Have you wondered why your husband pulls away from you?
Is there something wrong with your husband such that he prefers to be alone and not with you?
Why are some husbands such solitary creatures? What is so important about him needing his space?
Well, if you are married to a guy who at times wants to go it alone and be by himself, don’t think it too strange. Most men, including your husband, may need to go off to be alone for any number of reasons that have nothing or little to do with you or any negative feelings about the marriage.
Why Are Men Driven to Go It Alone?
Men in general are not like women in which they desire to be closely held. They don’t often conjure up or fantasize about things to do with their wives.
When a guy doesn’t want to go off and do something with his wife, it is usually not a sign that he loves her less, but rather something else is stirring up inside.
While you may feel like he is deserting you, just know that something else is probably going on and it likely has more to do with your husband’s yearning to get out and about.
Speaking of feeling deserted, I recently wrote an article on that topic. Feel free to dig in!
As the woman in the marriage, you may feel more inclined to gravitate to social gatherings and experiences while your husband may be looking for a way to escape. Often he would rather be alone than be dragged to yet another social function. Give your husband a recliner chair and a good sports program and he becomes a happy camper, all too happy to skip out on some social event you may be dying to go to.
Women tend to be the social butterfly. Men are more like the lone wolf. Your husband will growl and bark at you if he thinks he is going to get dragged someplace he doesn’t want to be.
Sure, your husband will enjoy his share of get togethers with friends and family and will find some enjoyment at parties and other festive events. Indeed he may thoroughly enjoy himself.
Recognize that I am speaking in generalities and every man and woman march to their own unique drum beat of likes and dislikes.
But your husband, as do all men in my opinion, have something that is deeply embedded inside him that causes them to seek out solitary moments more often than women.
His lack of enthusiasm about hanging out with you doesn’t mean your husband is falling out of love with you or is thinking of breaking it off with you. On the contrary, your man may feel a very strong connection with you, but deep inside his genetic makeup is steering him to his man cave.
This is the place he loves to go when the world seems to be closing in around him. It is his place where he can be alone with his own thoughts. And while you may feel he is closing you out of his life, in his mind he is seeking out refuge.
Your Husband Needs To Get Away To Be Alone
Somewhere inside your husband is this voice that tells him he needs to get away from things.
Unfortunately, as his wife, you may mistake his behavior as wanting to leave you for good, but seldom is that the case.
Now, on the other hand, if you are certain your husband doesn’t want to stay with you and is just looking for a way out of the marriage, that requires a different approach. I wrote this post about how you can deal with such an occurrence.
But the theme of this post is that your man is simply trying to get away for personal driven reasons.
Sometimes he does not want to feel too crowded. Men can be that way. That just don’t always know what is best for them. They will push you away, then later accept you back with open arms.
Your husband will go through times where he does not want to be bothered by you are anyone else. When you reach out to pull him close, he may not want to be held or share in emotional intimacy.
Your husband wants to be loved, but he wants his freedom too and the sense of feeling trapped or caged linger over him at times, causing him to pull away, avoiding closeness.
Like an animal in the wild, he is summoned by his inner self to go off to be by himself and strip away all those things that he feels is robbing him of his autonomy.
He wants to rough it. He wants to fight off the forces that try to take away his individuality. And to do this, your husband’s mind subconsciously tells him he cannot have his woman hanging on to him.
How can he do battle with the elements of the world if his wife is clinging to him, holding on too tightly? This is how your husband may feel inside, though he probably cannot put it in words or understand fully where this desire comes from. Yet is there and he must contend with it. Indeed your husband welcomes this feeling because quenching it makes him feel whole again.
Your husband operates on two levels.
On one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you.
On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. Or he may be driven to be in the company of close friends.
You may feel shut out and express your discontent and this will anger him because what is stirring up inside him is powerful.
Where you might want to surround yourself with people and loved ones working together to address life issues, your husband more often (than you) wants to simply be left alone. He often would rather tackle his own problems without the distraction of others.
Remember, these feelings of aloofness which may overcome him are not reflecting any particular problem with how he feels about you.
The fact he doesn’t want you in his circle of experience at any given moment does not mean he is falling out of love with you. The fact that your husband wants to carve you out of his life for a time being doesn’t mean he wants to carve your out of his life for good.
It is just something he feels compelled to do in order to feel right about himself and satisfy that internal hunger to go it alone for a spell.
And often, when your husband returns from his self-imposed exile, you will find him renewed with a new sense of purpose. He will pull you in even closer and appreciate you even more, particularly if you generously granted him the freedom to be by himself and go off to do something without you.
The way in which men sometimes behave can be confounding to women.
Wives don’t understand why their man sometimes push them away and insist on having their space. It can be upsetting and confusing to a wife when her husband accuses her of crowding him or clinging too much.
Avoid Crowding Your Husband Are He Will Run Away
Women struggle with understanding what compels their husband to act this way.
She may have this fantasy image in her mind of she and her husband doing everything together, enjoying every moment, hand in hand. And when it doesn’t happen in the way she envisions, she thinks she must be doing something wrong.
She questions why her husband doesn’t want to do things with her and why he avoids committing. She becomes confused when he tacks in the opposite direction.
Hurt feelings will arise or there will be conflict as she presses her husband to explain why he acts so cold or sometimes avoids her. This outcome in turn makes things worse, causing her husband to feel like she is crowding him. Now he will want to go off and be by himself even more. The sense of escaping will dominate his mood.
I hear from my women clients all the time about their husband insistence to have their space:
“What do you do when your husband gets angry with you because he says I am crowding him all the time?”
“It took me years to figure out that I need to give my husband space while we were living together. It never dawned on me that men are wired differently and value just going off to do things by themselves or with their male friends. I see now it is simply part of their make up and while it hurts sometimes, I get it”
“Is there a time limit on how long I should give my husband his space? How much time does he need to get it together. It seems so selfish he wants to be alone and do things alone. I thought being married was having fun and doing things together. He doesn’t want that all the time. He says he gets jittery and says I hover over him too much”
“How should I respond when he insists he needs space. I feel shut out and it hurts and I tell him so, but it makes things worse. He feels guilty and I feel confused and we get nowhere. Is it wrong that he sometimes pushes me away or should I accept it as just a man thing?”
How To Deal With A Husband That Needs His Alone Time
So what if your husband acts this way at times?
As a woman and his wife it can be difficult to understand this man thing. That is largely because you view the world through the eyes and experiences of a female.
But your husband doesn’t process things in the same way. He is almost like a different species. If you try to overlay your template of feelings and reactions to situations and seek to understand what your husband is thinking, you will come up short.
Let’s say you are sometimes confused about why your husband withdraws from you or why he says he needs some room to process things. Or he tells you he needs to go off and do something and it is clear he doesn’t really want you around.
So let’s say you are not sure what to make of his behavior and you feel shortchanged and cut out of his life.
The fact that your husband is hinting or insisting he wants to do his own thing and go off do stuff without you is going to probably cut at you in the wrong way.
You may feel abandoned.
It may cause you as his wife to feel a bit betrayed.
You may feel saddened by the realization that your husband doesn’t want or need you at that time and none of what is happening dovetails with your own needs as a woman.
You almost always feel like sharing everything with your husband. You seldom want to be separated from your man. You want to pull him close when you are troubled or hurt. Yet your husband sometimes behaves in the opposite ways and you are confounded by his behavior and it is hard to understand why you are being stripped away from him. And to make matters worse, he seems incapable of adequately explaining his reasoning for shutting you out.
You feel abandoned. He won’t let you inside his heart and never mind trying to understand what is going on in his head. You can tell something may be bothering him deep inside, but all he wants to do is retreat away from you and the more your try to hold him close or even simply talk about things, the more he squirms and acts like he must get away.
Support Your Husband’s Need To Respond to the Call of the Wild
I have a secret for you. You are married to a wolf like man! Sometimes you have to turn him loose so he can go out into the world and howl.
Well, perhaps it is not quite that bad.
But if you ever feel your man is sometimes summoned by the wild, you are not too far from the truth.
Inside him is a beast. He wrestles with it. He needs to fight with it. It is a life long struggle to tame it. And if you get in his way, he is unable to gain control of it, so he strike out at you and accuses you of crowding him or clinging too much.
Your husband may say things like you are suffocating him and that he just wants to be alone for a while.
Perhaps you should step aside and let the wild dog in him go off and hunt down his prey.
That is why I tell wives that they need to shift their paradigm.
I explain that sometimes to understand their husband they have to stop thinking in terms of how women typically process the world around them.
I explain that when the call of the wild summons their husband, they must turn him loose.
Indeed, letting your husband go can be a wonderful opportunity for you in two ways. We will get into all that.
At times, you should insist your man go off and do his thing….all by himself…without you.
Tell him you understand that he will be summoned by the “wild” and you want him to go out and conquer it.
Tell him you love it when he goes off and slays his emotional dragons or when he goes out does the “man thing” with his buddies or just seeks to be by himself.
Clear the path for your husband to be alone during those times when he seems to be pulling away. Tell him you love it when he has to retreat into himself because when he comes back to you he is always better in every way.
Tell him he comes back a better version of himself. Tell him the sex is better….that he is more relaxed and more fun to be around.
Tell your husband you understand his needs to be alone at times and when the feeling comes on, he should satisfy his desire.
In effect you are giving him permission to do the very thing he wants to do but might be afraid to do as he does not wish to disappoint you. One part of him knows he should satisfy your needs that you have expressed in the past. But another part of him wants to run away to fight, play, struggle, and overcome….all in one outing.
What Are The Two Ways You Benefit When You Let Your Husband Have His Space?
When you turn your husband loose to slay the beast, you empower him.
It fills him with joy that he is unshackled and is free to slay his enemy.
The enemy can take the form of many things. It can be that instinct in him to unleash all his fear or anger about whatever.
It can be the anxieties that have piled up inside of him. It can be the compulsion to go off an conquer something that is physically hard to do.
The key thing is to allow your husband to go off, without feeling guilty or being nagged. Let him be a solitary man.
When you grant him this thing that he needs to do, he will love you and appreciate that you, unlike most women, understand him. He doesn’t have to deal with his feelings of guild. He loves you for having the wisdom to turn him loose. He will value you as a wife that understands that he needs to battle the beast and that you are not standing in his way, but rather are enabling him and cheering for him.
Many women and wives won’t understand this and do this for him.
But you will and in his mind’s eye, you have become his beloved Princess that he can later return to. He knows you will accept him with open arms because you sent him off to wage battle. Your support in making your husband feel whole is not lost on him.
Meanwhile, while your Prince Charming of a husband is out there finding himself and doing those manly things that makes him feel re-charged, you should use the opportunity to treat yourself like a Princess.
While your husband is doing his solitary things like climbing a mountain or going hunting or retreating to his secret hiding place or whatever it is he must do without you, in turn you should be pampering yourself and doing those things that make you feel good.
You see, that is how it works. Your husband has his needs that should be fulfilled. And you too have your needs that come from deep inside that should be met.
It is important in every successful marriage for you both to be your own person. You can never be together all of the time. You should not seek to do so.
Your husband will need his time alone and to become the best version of yourself, you too need time to realize this.
This is how you both will be happier together.
You have to learn to be happier by yourselves, first. You have to find fulfilling moments in life away from each other.
By having your own lives and meeting your own individual unique needs, you can make each happier.