Sometimes it can be challenging to really understand what our spouses mean when they say certain things. For example, if you are in an argument with your husband and he says, “I am sick and tired of this“, you may wonder, “what does he really mean by that”?
You might rush to judgement and think that your husband is sick and tired of you and the marriage. You may start to worry that your husband wants out of the relationship.
You might think that when your husband is saying he is “tired of this“, what he is really referring to is the constant fighting or bickering that may be occurring with too much frequency.
Then again, you can’t be sure because after all, he is a guy, right? And guys can act strange….
Most men are not so good at opening up and sharing their most precious inner thoughts. Just the notion of having to do that can cause your husband to twist and squirm.
And as the story goes, guys are always shooting off their mouth and saying hurtful things to get a rise out of you. Right?
Well, some married men do just that. It doesn’t necessarily mean that men are by nature, cruel and uncaring.
There is usually some other thing, which may be unrelated to you, that is causing them great consternation.
But some husbands are bad boys.
These guys go off on you because they are a bit twisted inside.
So Are All Husbands Are Bad Boys?
Well, not all of us are bad boys, but I do think just about all guys have some bad boy “attitude” in us.
And given the right circumstances, we can go “Volcano“.
All of us, whether we are talking husbands or wives, sometimes need to get things off our chest. And that is how conflict in marriage can get started. With the right recipe of emotions, a fight can emerge and a lot of words can just spill out.
Those of us that have a lot of bad boy in us, can become blind in our rage.
If you are often on the receiving end of “barbed” attacks by your husband (or let’s say it is your boyfriend or even your ex husband who is playing bad boy), you probably understand very well what it feels like to being on the receiving end of nasty comments.
Later, when the dust settles, you might start thinking about some of the bad things he said. You may start to wonder if these things truly represent how he feels about you.
It can be distressful trying to process the awful and ugly things your husband may have let loose in the midst of an argument.
And meanwhile, with all the incoming hate missiles coming your way, you might find yourself thinking whether you married the right guy in the first place. I got into this topic in the post below…
Let’s say your reading this and you and your husband got into a terrible fight.
You both lose control of your emotions and when the fight ends, you can’t help but wonder what happened.
Sometimes when things get out of hand, your husband can say things that wounds your soul, even shake you at the core.
And it is not always what he says, though that can be really bad, but it is how he says it.
You start thinking back to the what transpired and replay it in your mind.
That look on your husband’s angry face, when the two of you are arguing, can get etched into your memory. The tone in his voice when he unloads can be a haunting.
So with all these wound up emotions, it is not unusual for you or anyone for that matter, to start second guessing what might be going on in his mind.
It can be hard to make rationale sense of your husband’s words and gestures, particularly when they are directed at you in the form of a verbal assault.
It is easy to lose perspective of exactly what was said because of the chaos of discord. You may also be dishing out some of your own venom as a measure of defense.
You probably were not raised to just sit or stand there and “take it”.
It may not be in your make up or constitution to become a punching bag for your husband. Most people naturally resort to counter attacking.
Unfortunately this tactic usually just contributes to the confusion.
You fight back because it is your nature to defend yourself. Or you may retreat because that too can be hardwired in how you deal with these situations.
Either way, you most likely will feel so caught up in the drama, you may lose perspective. Hence you may not remember exactly what your husband said. You may find yourself later wracking your brain wondering something like, “Did he really say that. Did he really think that?”
The aggressive body posture that your husband assumes throughout a fight can also serve to upset you or even freak you out if he looks like he may be losing control.
Things can get ugly fast and as they do, you can’t help but think during and after the incident, “what does this mean for us?”
It can be difficult to process the whole experience when wild statements are coming fast and furious.
In a healthy marriage, what one looks for are positive deposits in the relationship trust bank.
But if you find yourself reeling from trying to recount all of the unbelievable things your husband was saying, you most likely will be experiencing a blurry aftermath period.
You will wonder, “What the hell happened.”
It is only later, sometimes hours or even days, that memories of things your husband said comes wafting down into your mind.
Then you start turning it over and over, trying to make sense of what your husband “really meant“.
This the nature of how misunderstandings arise within a relationship.
Why Does Your Husband Let It Loose When He Attacks You?
One particularly destructive way a husband can tear down their marriage is when he starts letting it loose and “slamming” their wife. It can be abusive when it happens with regularity.
Think of it as your husband Breaking Bad.
Everybody, for various reasons, can simply “lose it” and freak out.
The problem is when it happens with frequency. I put together a post about how to handle a fight when it gets out of hand. Please take a few minutes and read it after you have finished here.
If you are in a relationship in which your husband starts saying the most ridiculous and mean-spirited things, simply walk.
Just leave. Walk to another room. Go outside. Or get in the car and drive away.
There is nothing good that comes from staying and trying to calm down your husband. If he is going to misbehave, that is his choice. But you have a choice of whether you wish to remain present.
Hopefully, your actions will convey to him that you have little tolerance for ugly behavior.
Some guys are just looking for an outlet for their pent up anger or anxiety. And if your are not careful, certain routines can form such that your husband thinks he can act out.
It is best to nip these kind of behaviors in the bud.
So put some distance between you and your spouse.
Why Does Your Man Act This Way?
But you are probably still wondering why does my husband act out.
You may be thinking, “Does it mean he hates me? Did I do something to provoke his outrageous behavior? Where is this coming from?”
These are all excellent questions.
Of course, outbursts from a husband can arise for many reasons.
Stress is usually a big component of behavior like this. Try not to think of his loss of control as an attack on you. While it could be, often it is not.
Rather, think of it as a “cry for help“.
Now, on the other hand, as I alluded to earlier, if this is the standard operating procedure for your husband, than it is NOT a cry for help. Men that frequently behave this way are abusive. And there should be zero tolerance for this kind of behavior.
But we are talking about regular husbands who only occasionally may come apart at the seams and start ranting and raving about something that has them all worked up.
I know. When it happens, it is an awful thing to be a part of and see unfold.
But typically, your guy is just releasing a lot of steam. The rant that you witness is probably not directed at you. It is likely that there is something else operating underneath the emotional outburst.
The married women I consult with will tell me things like:
“That was so unlike my husband.”
“He is not acting himself”
“My husband unloaded on me and I am not use to that”
So what is really going on?
Why is the guy your married suddenly morphing into a monster, even for just those few seconds or minutes that he has a rage fit?
Well, as it turns out, the answers are not always straightforward. And to complicate things more, your husband may not be ready to tell you what is really going on in his psyche.
Is Any Special Meaning or Agenda Behind Your Husband’s Words?
I think we are all designed to find meaning in the things we see and experience.
If we are tied closely to someone at an emotional level, we can generally tell when things are a bit off.
You can usually sense when your husband is acting differently.
You can often pick up on the warning signals, whether it be his body language or the tone in his voice. You can often spot the signs of a fight brewing, even before your husband gets all worked up.
But what does it all really mean?
Should you put any stock behind all the things he said?
For starters, if you are dissecting your husband’s statements that were made right after a fight, just know that your heightened emotions might bias the conclusions you reach.
If your husband becomes belligerent and starts criticizing you or makes statements that would suggest he is unhappy and feels trapped, etc, etc….many women will automatically conclude that their husband or boyfriend is truly unhappy with them.
Fears can grow in the mind that the husband wants “out of the marriage” or has “fallen out of love“. Or worse, fear can cause the mind to race to wild notions.
We are that way. All of us. Our minds can race around and if your husband has said something insensitive or suggestive, we can easily fall prey to the worst of our imagination.
So Rule number one:
Be careful with initially over interpreting what your husband said or didn’t say.
Men usually carry their emotions inside.
Guys often don’t open up, without a lot of coaxing. And pushing them to reveal a piece of themselves can be like extracting a tooth. To further complicate matters, your husband may have difficulty acknowledging certain facts or feelings to themselves.
A typical guy would rather avoid expressing something that is bothering them because it could show them as weak.
Wives often have difficulty understanding their husband’s lack of “internalizing” and “unburdening” of feelings because women often do the very opposite.
It feels perfectly natural for you, the wife, to share your worries and anxieties and concerns with your husband. It makes you feel valued and safe and emotionally connected to your husband when you can share many of your most intimate thoughts.
A husband, on the other hand, can be uncomfortable with opening up. The thought of pouring out their internal worries or anxious feelings is foreign to them.
So they naturally bottle them up. It is a lot easier for a guy to not think about such things and sweep them away in their mind or intellectually pretend that the issue is not “all that important“.
Your husband will often turn to rationalization when it applies to something bothering them.
It could be a work issue.
It could be a personal matter.
The thing that is preying on their mind could be related to a physical ailment.
Whatever it is, a husband will tend to push it away and avoid revealing their internal thoughts because it can make them uncomfortable and reminds them of their vulnerability.
So think about it.
If your husband is wired in a way to hold in a lot of his feelings, when they do finally come out, it could be like a volcano erupting.
He may have all this pent-up tension and when it comes pouring out in the form of a full-throated, red-faced attack, you may think the bulk of it is because of something you did wrong.
But often, what you said or did, has very little to do with what is really bothering your husband.
And I know this can be hard for some women to process, but it is true of many husbands and men in general. When your guy really loses it and starts saying all kinds of upsetting things, there is usually a trigger or many triggers.
And it’s probably not you that he is really upset about.
Sure, whatever you were talking about may figure into all. But know that men tend to bottle things up. And when anger rises, they can say some of the most stupid and irresponsible things.
Don’t assume they don’t love you.
Don’t put too much stock into all of the words and accusations or complaints he may level against you.
Try to understand that your husband is lashing out, not from strength, but from weakness.
Now, in no way am I excusing this behavior are suggesting you need to just stand there in the blast zone and tolerate it.
Not at all.
As I mentioned earlier, you should have a zero tolerance policy about remaining in such an environment. Leave the area immediately if you must.
In time, most husbands will come to regret their behavior and if you bring up the absurd or hurtful thing he said about you, he will likely retract it immediately and apologize.
So no, I don’t think you should put too much value on things your husband might say during a particular raucous fight or outburst.
So is there anything your husband said that should be taken at face value?
I tend to live by the Kernel of Truth Theory.
Usually, if your husband sharply attacks you and says things that causes you to question his level of commitment or his views about you, there may very well be a kernel of truth associated with his criticism.
But look at the big picture.
Just because he says something, doesn’t make it true. And if he does intimate something about you that is unflattering, then shame on him if he is doing it in an insensitive way.
The best way to learn how your husband really feels about you or some topic that is important to you is to wait until a time when you are BOTH in a positive state of mind.
Don’t try to challenge your husband about something controversial he said in a heated moment.
It is always better to have discussions with people about potentially sensitive topics when things are calm. Tactically, it can be helpful to approach a difficult subject after you complement your husband.
Build him up and tell him how you admire his character and how he supports you. Men’s egos require an occasional stroking. Let those sentiments wash all over him for a while. Then you can broach the subject that you wish to explore more.
Calmer minds and emotions are always a good foundation for open and honest dialogue.