Love, honor and appreciation are three of the most important and vital aspects of a marriage. But what do you do if your husband seems not to appreciate or even want you?
Why does this phenomenon seem to happen far to often in marriages?
In the beginning of your courtship with your husband, you remember all of the little things he did to show his love and appreciation. There was no doubt in your mind that he wanted you in his life and acted like you were his “everything”.
But as time as dragged by and the marriage settled into predictable routines, you begin noticing that your husband just does not seem to have the same feelings of intensity for you.
It may become harder to turn him on.
Perhaps he is no longer doing those little things that demonstrate his appreciation. Maybe, he is not checking in with you to see how your day is going like he use to.
Maybe he is not giving you that nice back rub that you so much use to enjoy. Perhaps there are issues in the bedroom and you begin to wonder why he doesn’t seem to want you in that way. Or after sex, when the two of you use to cuddle and talk about everything, now he seems too ready to just move on to something else.
Why Does My Husband Act Like He Doesn’t Care About Me Anymore?
What has happened, you wonder, that has caused your husband to look at you differently?
You might start to question whether it is your appearance that is turning him off. Is it maybe those few extra pounds you gained that makes him love and appreciate you less, you worry?
Your mind can wander to all kinds of fantastical places. Could he have a new lover and now thinks of you as more of a roommate?
No doubt, when you feel less loved and when your husband seems to not care as much about you and appears to be less concerned about your welfare and your happiness, it can cause you to question if he has moved on in his life, without you.
If you are having these kinds of worries and concerns about how your husband treats and acts around you, you are not alone.
If you are plagued with feelings of inadequacy or if you are questioning whether you are doing something wrong to cause your husband to withdraw his affections, you are not the only woman who is in search of the guy she married.
It is not an uncommon refrain I hear from women.
And you know what?
You really deserve better. You deserve an answer.
A relationship is not sustainable if you think your husband does not show kindness and appreciation toward you.
A relationship will become dysfunctional if you truly believe your husband doesn’t want you sexually or he simply acts like he doesn’t want you around. If your husband treats you like an afterthought or like some kind of pest that is in his way, then the marriage is off kilter.
Don’t Panic if Your Husband is Missing in Action!
Now I don’t want you to panic if you find yourself in a situation where your husband seems to be behaving differently toward you.
There will naturally be ups and downs in his behavior where he seems disconnected. Your husband’s behavior and attitude where he comes off as less caring could be attributed to any number of things happening in his life.
It doesn’t necessarily mean he loves you less. He could be experiencing some issues at work or personal issues that has caused him to withdraw.
You might pick up on these vibes and think that he is withdrawing from you. You may falsely conclude that it must be “you” he is upset with.
Guys can be that way. They can encounter certain stresses and worries and their anxious feelings can cause them to retreat into themselves.
Instead of reaching out to get your love and support, they internalize the issue and when doing so, don’t want to be bothered. They might push you away just so that they can get inside their own head to figure what they want to do with their problem. Many husbands can be this way and as a result, the signals between the two of you can get crossed.
These kinds of situations are usually intermittent in occurrence and do not suggest a larger trend or breakdown in the marriage.
What if Your Husband Makes it a Habit of Not Showing You Affection?
But what if it is not that?
What if the lack of affection coming from your husband is not due to a short-term problem, but more of a pattern or routine.
What if your husband makes it a habit to ignore you?
What if he seems to direct little of his attention your way? What if you feel like you are living alone, even when he is in the very same room?
What does it mean if your marriage has taken a turn down a road with empty promises and little affection? How do your recover from endless days of a broken heart.
It’s Time To Bring Back Your Husband
I want you to remember something as we progress through this article.
Just because your marriage has seemingly turned toward a different direction does not mean you cannot revitalize those feelings that existed earlier.
None of those times you and your husband had together where he made you feel valued and loved were products of your imagination. It really did happen and his expression of consideration and appreciation were not a mirage.
What happens to many relationships is that the sizzle and enthusiasm of new and fulfilling experiences can fade into the background. What often replaces them are the routines in which you both tend to gravitate to your own interests, at the expense of each other’s company. Not spending quality time together alone can be a big problem for married couples. On that note, take a look at this post I wrote on the topic.
Sometimes what happens with a couple is one of them may be more selfless and demonstrative of their loving feelings. When the other individual fails to even meet them halfway, it is usually suggestive of a little something that has gone haywire with how the couple communicates and interacts.
I have some ideas for you and your husband if you have found that your relationship has turned stale. If you believe your spouse is not expressing enough appreciation for you, irrespective of what has happened between the two of you before, there are some things you can do to help improve the situation.
I have had a number of wives reach out to me over the years telling me about their husband’s lack of enthusiasm. I have heard it all and am afraid to say that these women are not just sounding off.
More often than not, the complaints I get from women are not the pouring out of sorrows as an expression of a pity party. In these instances below, the sentiments some of my clients have expressed were not empty complaints. Rather, these wives were suffering and in many cases, their husbands had no clue.
“My husband takes me for granted. I seldom get a thanks or expressions of appreciation for all that I do for him. I am like a female roommate to my husband. I maintain my own career, take care of the kids, cook and keep the house clean and seldom do I get a sweet, heartfelt word of thanks.”
“I don’t think it’s working with my husband. He seems to show little real affection, except when we make love and then it seems hurried. His emotions are largely turned off to me. I really don’t think he cares about what is going on in my life. He is like troubled if I approach him to talk about my day. You asked me if I think the love between us is in the background. I am not even sure if I could find much evidence of it, even if my life depended on it. What is it with men that go stone cold in the marriage? Any effort at showing he cares about me would lift my mood.”
“My husband use to do all the little things that made me feel valued and treasured. Just little gestures like brushing the hair from my face or a quick hug in the kitchen. Much of the time lately his efforts are labored in showing real affection. I feel less respected and valued and am not sure if my husband even realizes how important it is to show me some kindness now and again.”
These women are not unique. The predictability of a married couple’s routines can be part of the problem. But it is more than that too. And sometimes, much more complicated than we realize.
Also, the way to be happy together in your marriage is to learn to be engaged in life and fulfilled when you are separate or apart from each other.
If you invest so much into your husband such that your mood and sense of self is unduly influenced by his behavior, then you have lost your balance.
It is important for all couples to seek to improve their relationship with each other. But it is also very important for you to improve the relationship you have with yourself. The two goals are entangled and are synergistic in their benefit.
I understand that the feeling of being ignored and under valued does not do a lot for your self-esteem. When your husband pay little attention to the things you are doing or saying, it can make you angry inside and feel like you are the forgotten one.
So what can you do about that to change the relationship equation?
What Can You Do To Get Noticed By Your Husband
So let’s talk about some solutions if you are feeling like you man doesn’t seem to want you or care to express the common courtesies of appreciation, respect, and heart-felt consideration.
Here is my list of 7 Things for how to wake up your husband to the realization that he should not take you for granted.
But before we get into all that, let’s start with something you should avoid doing.
What Should You NOT Do When Around Your Husband
Do not complain directly about his behavior in a solitary fashion.
You need to be more strategic.
The last thing most husbands want to hear about is how they don’t show you enough love and attention. They don’t want to hear you complain about how they are not “sweet” or “attentive” like they use to be.
If you are going to talk about these things, do it in a manner and environment such that he will be more receptive.
For example, do so right after you have made love. But don’t nag or criticize him about not paying you enough attention. Rather, reinforce how when he does show you that he cares and appreciates you in large and small ways, it turns you on.
Tell him it makes you feel valued. Whisper it in his ear. He will be more receptive to your remarks in this environment.
Husband can shut down pretty quickly when it comes to visibly and emotionally demonstrating their feelings. When your husband drops the ball on offering you compliments and making your feel honored, it is best to coach them when the moment is conducive to them receiving and acting on your words.
Now remember, this is advice that applies to men in general.
Some husband actually will respond positively to direct communication about you feeling lesser appreciated. You may not need to prime them to be receptive to your advice. They may not even realize they are taking you for granted. And a conversation about this topic may be enough to awaken them to the fact that you need some attention.
That is a good thing if your husband is that way and simply needs a wake up call (delivered in a respectful and considerate way).
Then we have the opposite end of the spectrum.
Some husbands don’t care enough to say much of anything nice to you and if you dare complain about his manner, he get’s worse, even abusive. This kind of husband is beyond being touchy or sensitive to criticism, but rather is just one of those selfish kind of brutes.
You know the type. Or hopefully you don’t.
I am sorry if you are in that situation as that sounds like a very dysfunctional marriage and sometimes it is best to move away from that kind of relationship.
So what are some things you can do to get your husband to show that he DOES really want you?
- Spicing up the sex talk. Often husband and wives get wrapped in their own worlds of things to do, planning activities, individual pursuits, all the normal and or not so normal occasions of tension and anxiety. Couples can get caught up in the drudgery and routines of their daily existence. Sometimes a spark is needed to awaken some of the fire that lives inside of your husband. And for a guy, one of the best ways to get the seed of attention and attraction planted in his mind is to use some sex talk. What is that exactly? Essentially, you can get some real mileage from making sexual references about any number of things. And if you couple that with a few suggestive and coy glances, you can set your husband’s mind a thinking about YOU.
- Dress to Impress. This is yet another way to get up inside your husband’s mind. You know better than anyone else what turns on your husband in the most subtle ways. Find that special blouse or dress or whatever you wear to gain that attention you richly deserve. Perhaps you are revealing a little something. I know this all may sound a bit brutish that men need to have a sort of subtle sexual turn-on to get them to pay you a compliment or two. But in large part, that is how men are wired.
- Be Confident and Independent. Husband like it when their wives are confident in themselves. They also like it when their wives don’t come off as needy or complains a lot. They gravitate to that personality type and tend to shy away from women who seem to be high maintenance. They are more attracted and pay more attention to their wife if she pay less attention to him and has a lot of things going on in her life. Build your own life outside of what you have with your husband. If you want your husband to act like he really wants you, show him that you just might not need him at all. I know it sounds odd, but men are attracted to those things that they can’t have. They are drawn and are impressed to those women who seem to have their act together. Meanwhile, if you seek realize this state of what I call the “Ungettable Wife”, then you will discover he will be a lot more inclined to pay attention.
- Use the Mirroring Technique. Sometimes you can influence your husband through some psychological techniques. If you want your man to show you that he really cares, then teach him how. Offer him a compliment and see if he reciprocates. We often end up reflecting the behavior of our lover. Show him the way through your words and actions and hopefully he will mirror your behavior.
- Play Act That You Feel Under Appreciated. Sometimes, the best way to get your husband to stand up and notice you is to do some play acting. For example, you can just go into a swoon and set off into an oral monologue about how you feel so “UNDERAPPRECIATED”. Play it up. Make it a performance and have some fun. Lace you monologue with some wit and sarcasm. Then saunter on over to your husband and lightly kiss him on the cheek declaring, “If only I could find a man who really shows he loves me”.
- Touch a lot. Yep, we are right back to the touchy, feeling stuff! Men like it. Women like it. The mere touch or hug from someone who loves you and really cares for you will awaken the chemistry in their mind. Oxytocin will flow. Up the ante when it comes to touching and mix in some sensual touching. Give you husband an intimate massage. If you can’t get him to express some appreciation after that my ladies, then we could be dealing with an ice man.
- Build up his ego. My last point I want to make also taps into the primitive nature of men. They like everyone else has an ego. But men wear their egos more proudly and if you can find ways to help build him up, he will feel good about himself and as a consequence those good feelings can cause him to share the love and attention. He will enjoy being around someone that makes him feel important.