Has your husband ditched you?
Are you in a situation in which your husband deserted you and it happened so fast you still don’t know how it all came down and what it all means?
How do you cope if your husband has left you?
No doubt, when your husband deserts you it can bring about all kinds of emotional chaos along with uncertainty as to why he really did it and what you should do about it.
I hear from women every day about losing their husband. They feel alone. They feel confused. They feel rejected and the experience is about as painful as it can get.
Not just emotional pain, but actual physical pain too as the body seems to go haywire in all the wrong places.
“When he left me I thought my world was over. I ached for him back everyday. Far too long I relied on my husband for just about everything. I had become far too dependent on him. But a year after the event, I feel so much more in control of my life, having realized that being attached to somebody who really didn’t love me the way I needed to be loved was never going to work out.”
“My husband left me after 12 years of what was both a troubled marriage and one that sometimes brought us great joy. I don’t even know how to process what I feel. It is really hard to concentrate on anything else and I know I am confused. My husband leaves me, yet I am still in love with him? How does that work? Part of me was glad he left. But now I have all these missing parts of my life that were so used to him being around and doing the things that made me feel part of something. What is wrong with me? I know in my thinking mind he was more trouble than good, but I can’t shake loose of him. I hate him for what he did and sometimes I hate myself for allowing him to make me feel so vulnerable.”
“After he left me I have turned into a mess. I never realized how much he meant to me. I am filled with shock over the whole thing. I know I messed things up and am willing to change. Everyday I wake up and think, ‘Oh my god, my husband left me, how do I get him back? ‘
“My husband and I have begun talking about divorce. Part of me cannot even believe it. Soon he will move out and finally will really be gone. For years all I could think of was when can I get away from him. Now come all these questions. He is about to leave me now but I don’t even know what I am entitled to. I really can’t believe this is happening. I didn’t know I would be a jumbled mess. What do I down now? I don’t want to be stuck alone by myself. What will I do if I run out of money? He said all of that will be taken care of but I don’t even know what that means and if I can trust him. Should I have my own lawyer? We are trying to keep it simple and inexpensive.”
I understand it can be incredibly difficult when you find yourself without a husband, not knowing where to turn. And this awful situation can unfold in so many different ways.
For example what if you husband cheated on you, then walked out? What do you do in such a situation? There are not easy answers for such a relationship fiasco. I have written a post about this, so take a peak when you get a chance:
Let’s for a minute just stop and try to get some perspective. If you are one of millions of women whose husband has stormed out of the marriage, then I want you to take a step back and realize some very important things.
Getting some perspective that it is not the end of the world should be one of your first aims. Life moves on and while it may be difficult for you to process that now, you have many paths you can take which can lead you to very fulfilling experiences.
It is said that the art of achieving happiness is through relationships and immersing yourself in a wide variety of diverse experiences.
So take the bull by the horns and come to terms with the reality that you ultimately possess control of your own happiness.
How Should You Feel After Your Husband Leaves You?
Right now, it is probably hard for you to see the silver lining. Much of what you feel right now is the pain of losing your husband. It probably feels like he has been stripped away from your life. The man you once thought was the right guy for you has shaken up your world view.
It is hard to shake loose of the feeling of no longer being an everyday part of your husband’s life. With the marriage in question, your identify has come under fire.
There were times when the two of you would literally move and breath as one.
Sure, you were both your own person in many ways, but without realizing it, you were both also largely defined by the other’s presence.
So if your husband leaves you suddenly, there will be this sense of a gap in your life or a missing part.
Later you will realize these feelings and sense of reality is only temporary. But for now, if you are coming off of a marriage split up, nothing feels more real than those emotions coursing through every part of your mind and body.
One of the reasons you still feel so tied to your husband, even if you are filled with anger or rage for what he has done, is because it is so hard to shake loose of the tremendous bond people form when they have been close and together for such a long time.
Think about it. Even if many aspects of the marriage was flawed, there were so many things the two of you were a part of together. Your memories of things are largely intertwined and those joyous moments, times when you both enjoyed each other’s company, is part of the glue that keeps that bond from completely coming apart.
When you boil it down to its essence, married couples are bonded and tied together for many reasons including physiological, emotional, psychological, social, and financial reasons.
That is a lot of things that the two of you have experienced together.
And by the way, before I forget, if you find yourself stranded in marriage and are looking for some ways to arouse your husband’s interest in you again, consider some of these tactics I wrote about in this post:
No doubt, learning to cope with a husband who has gone AWOL is going to be a big adjustment.
When you are in a state of disbelief about your husband leaving you, simply pinch yourself and repeat, “I am strong and will get through this”.
Tell yourself that your husband walking out on you is a good thing.
Of course, you won’t understand why that is the case in the moment of the searing pain you may be experiencing, but in time, you will realize that his decision, however rash or unwise it may have been, has forced you to decide if you wish to invest any more time in the relationship.
What Are the Different Ways a Husband Can Leave His Wife?
Just because your husband or boyfriend has supposedly called it quits and walked, doesn’t mean that is what he really wants.
People, including your husband, often behave in the opposite way in how they feel.
In his deepest of hearts, he may not want to bring an end to the marriage. His action may be one coming from impulse. He may be heading for the marriage exit not because he doesn’t love you anymore, but rather he may be immature and is acting out of stupidity or spite.
Sometimes men will walk away from their marriage because they think they would be happier elsewhere. Maybe their mind is so cluttered, they feel they need time to sort things out. Your man may essentially need some peace and quiet to process his next move. In some cases, your man may leave you because he is confused about what he really wants. A little solitary time can sometimes awaken his true feelings.
I have also seen cases where a husband drops out of the marriage because he thinks he has fallen in love with another woman.
So he decides to bolt and chase after his dream romance. But often times, the other relationship doesn’t pan out in the way he imagined and he later finds himself trying to explain to his estranged wife that he has made a terrible mistake and she is the one he “really” loves.
Then occasionally, there are guys who decide that marriage commitment is not what they wanted at all in their life. There may be some psychological component in their thinking that leads them to feel trapped and caged. So in order to make those feelings go away, they self destruct the marriage.
Men of this yoke usually suffer from what is called an insecure attachment style. They are usually not good marriage material because they inherently have problems with connecting on an emotional level.
So when a husband initiates a breakup, it can happen in all sorts of ways, but the common denominator is there is a “break” in the bond. Something is wrong and whatever it is has to be ferreted out and addressed.
So What Does It Mean For You When He Leaves?
Well, as I alluded to earlier, I prefer to look at things in the frame of the glass is more than half full. If your husband leaves you, then it brings out into the open that something is very wrong.
While the act of him deserting can be incredibly painful, imagine how much pain and suffering could accumulate if the marriage rocked along for years with neither party satisfied.
Sometimes the shock of something happening is in itself a potential remedy to the problem.
It forces the husband and wife to examine and re-examine their priorities and if they seek to mend the broken fences, it causes them to do so with a sense of renewed purpose.
How You Shouldn’t React When He Walks Out
If your husband actually left you, for starters don’t panic.
It is not the end of the world as you know it. You have your life.
You have love for other people in your life and others love you.
Far worse things can happen to you. And just possibly, your husband’s choice to drop out of the relationship could be a blessing. You may discover later that he has done you the biggest favor of your life.
Don’t make any decisions about meaningful things until you have had an opportunity to absorb what has happened, why it happened, and what you might want in your life going forward.
Chances are that you will feel panicky and the need to do something impulsively will dominate your mood for a spell. Tap down those feelings. They will get you in trouble and you will come to regret decisions or actions you undertake without reasoning through the potential outcomes.
What you should be doing is surrounding yourself with those who love you. Pull them in your emotional orbit. Remain active and find some new activities and routines you can incorporate into your life.
Remember, when you provide yourself with a diverse set of experiences and surround yourself with people you love and love you, happiness will come into your life.
In time, the pieces of your life will fall back into place and you will have a much clearer picture of what you want to do, with or without your ex husband.
Should You Take Him Back?
Remember, if your husband walked out of the marriage, he in effect deserted you and the life the two of you built together.
That is a pretty big deal. So don’t be in too much of a hurry to take him back if the opportunity presents itself.
When a marriage craters because the husband has left the wife, the healing process should be lengthy.
I am a big fan of taking little steps in such matters.
He will need to not only romance you back, as if you were dating for the first time, he should also acknowledge the mistakes he has made and counseling may be in order.
But I don’t want you to forget that you too probably have some things you need to work on as well to make the marriage connection all that much stronger.
Rarely is the downfall of a relationship completely due to only one person’s action.
Sometimes it not worth taking your husband back.
During the period you are alone, you will need to do some serious thinking about what you want out of the relationship going forward and you will need to ask yourself if your estranged husband can truly provide it to you.
Sometimes men cannot change their stripes. They are bound to repeat the same mistakes over and over again and you are left trying to pick up the pieces.
If you can look into the past history of the two of you being a couple and much of what you see is a marriage frequently on the rocks, then you really need to ask yourself why you keep repeating the same mistakes.
Perhaps you are thinking, “No Chris, my husband is the one making the mistakes, I am just trying to keep this marriage together”. But have you ever ask yourself about whether your forgiveness of your husband’s mistakes over and over gain is not a mistake on your end? Perhaps it is and what you are doing is enabling this awful predicament to play out in a bad way over and over again.
It can be really hard for you to walk away from your husband for good.
There can be many reason for this ranging from psychological, emotional, financial, social and for the sake of the family.
But if you can look at the past and see far too much ruin, then it might be time for you to say “No, I am not going to allow myself to be dragged through unhappiness. I am not going to take him back. Our love will be a different love and it will be from afar”.