I Am Tired and Sick of My Lousy Husband: Stuck in a Toxic Marriage

Do you ever feel this way?  That you are tired of your marriage, fighting for it to work, but it doesn’t improve no matter how much of your heart and soul you throw into it.

Do you feel you are stuck in a toxic marriage, ready to just give it up?

Does it seem like you are trapped in a horrible marriage and can’t get out of it?

Are their times in which don’t want to be bothered by anyone and are sick of thinking about the problems you and your husband keep experiencing?

Are you with a guy who is clueless and you see no end to your misery?

Do you wake up every morning wondering why your are so fatigued and feeling tired of being part of an empty marriage?

No doubt, if you feel any of these things, the sheer emotional load can take its toll.

Sometimes you will get overwhelmed with a sense of simply escaping it all, just so that you won’t have to deal with any of it.

If it could just all go away and if your husband would just leave you be it would be better, you reason.   Often, the predominant thought bouncing around is you want him to simply leave you alone because you can’t stand his presence any more.

That would be almost a godsend, wouldn’t it?

I just want to get away from him

But it wouldn’t solve the core issues of the problem, would it?

No doubt you feel this way at times if you are sick and tired of being married.

Indeed, it is a sad experience when the world wind romance you once had with him years ago, completely fades away.

You still have your memories of the past, which is what can make this whole drama so difficult.

He may have really made you happy for some time.

But you are in the here now.

What is he like now and can he change, this is what you have to deal with.  Has he shown any effort to meet you half way?  These are the things you probably find yourself dwelling on.

If you feel exhausted living with this man, tired of every marriage situation you have to confront, it can indeed cause you to slip into a depressed state.

Is There Another Path For Me?

The drudgery of getting up everyday and having to face another moment with your lousy husband, can cause you to grow to hate him and the environment you suffer in?

Let there be no doubt, if you are experiencing any of these feelings and are truly getting tired of new dramas coming at you fast and furious, then the signs of a bad marriage are likely written all over your relationship.

Getting Away From a Toxic Marriage

striking out on your on

So we are going to examine what you might want to do.

We will talk about how to leave a toxic marriage.  We will discuss how you may have fallen into a giant rut, both of you, and what you might due to change the scenery.

We will also explore whether a toxic marriage can be saved or if it’s worth saving.

That is a tough one, isn’t it?

Should you try to save your marriage if  you are seriously questioning your love for this man?

Of course, it is never that easy, right?  I mean, what is love and when is it gone or so scarred that you and your husband reach the point of no return.

This discussion of dealing with a crumbling marriage is serious stuff.  There is even a term for those who find themselves in the midst of marital chaos, particularly if one of the partners is the instigator of all the upheaval.

Its called toxic spouse syndrome.

I know you if you arrived at this post, there is really a good chance you are far from simply being “tired of my husband attitude”,  but have reached something close to a crisis state.

This is what I often hear from my clients.  They get to a point in their marriage in which they are way too tired of trying to make the relationship work for themselves and for the kids (if any are involved).

Usually by the time a wife is thinking about the marriage being spoiled and poison to the touch, she has largely given up on any hopes of resuscitating the relationship.

If you are looking to take a toxic marriage quiz, then hopefully you took the time to complete mine as it is designed to point out the miserable marriage signs that trouble many a relationship.

But it doesn’t really give you all the answers, does it?   For that, you need to dig deeper and seek to understand the big picture.

Is there a way to turn it all around?

Is it worth it to you?

Are you under pressure to continue to try to make the failing marriage work?

Chances are, you are still struggling with answering these questions for yourself.

If the man who you wedded is truly a crappy husband, then there probably have been a lot of ugly situations….a lot of troubled times.  When you reach this stage of your marriage, it is no longer practical to think in terms of letting bygones be bygones or , “that is just water under the bridge”

To the contrary, when a marriage collapses and the wife is telling me about abuse and marital fatigue and depressing episodes that seem to happen with regularity; the discussion should be less about the past and more focused on the next  pragmatic steps.

Does Your Pathetic Husband Need a Wake Up Call?

bad and fussy husband

First of all, does he deserve a wake up call?

How many times have you been down the same road with your man?  Is the guy you married as useless and hopeless as you think?

He just might be.

I know it is hard when a woman is dealing with almost unspeakable relationship events.

I once had a client who kept telling me that she had a second rate marriage and that it was not a question of being married to a rotten guy, but the reality was her husband would say appalling things to her, tearing her down.

She felt desperate to get out, but he had her convinced that she was an inferior and useless wife and would never survive the world without him.  He insisted  on controlling and telling her what to do.

Why Do I Put Up With His Abuse?

Such was the brainwashing effect he had on his wife until it call tumbling down.  It’s like the scene from the Wizard of the Oz in which the Great Wizard was proclaiming his greatness and infallibility, only to be later revealed as a mere mortal.  Even foolish to some extent.

While it took many months for her to see that her husband was cruel and was really the idiot, there was great suffering along the way.

Does Your Husband Treat You Like You Are a Loser?

does he put you down

Why can’t he show that he cares and try to at least make an effort“, you might wonder ?

To often, men who are insecure will take it out on their wife, pushing them down, making them out to be a loser; when in reality, it’s the husband that is the cowardly one.

I can see a future with him if he will just show me he wants this to work”, you might think.  If he would just show me he wants us to be a happy couple,” you may plead to yourself.

It can seem like a losing battle sometimes.   I hear it every day from women struggling in their marriage.

I feel so unfulfilled and just don’t know where to turn.  My marriage is to a guy who is overbearing and hostile.  My husband has no respect for me or my feelings and I just want to crawl up into a ball and hide away – Kay G.

What to do if your husband doesn’t respect you anymore.  I can’t bring myself to think about what I am going to do without him.  But any future with him seems doomed. I am overcome with fatigue and my blood pressure is spiking.  He is an awful husband and not that good of father.  I want all this to go away and am overcome with a desire to just disappear.  Can you help me – Sally R.

Look, I don’t know how to deal with my disrespectful husband.  He lacks respect for me, the marriage, the kids, my parents, just about anything I say or do.  My husband doesn’t respect my feelings, nor does he appreciate everything I do for him.  He one of those guys who must always get the last word in and there is no fighting fair in his mind.  He has to win every little argument and is quick to belittle me.  Not sure if I can live this way much longer – Bessie M.

Sometimes things in a relationship can become so difficult to tolerate, with anger rising up all to often, that husband and wife are constantly at each other throats.

This kind of development, which unfortunately defines too many marriages, can grow to become a very troubling pattern if the couple doesn’t take action to break out of the routine.

You see, that is what often happens with some husbands (wives too).  They get caught up in the winner and loser side of each argument, resorting to bullying or intimidation tactics to get their way.  While all the while, the marriage suffers and you the wife, become disillusioned, feeling hopeless with nowhere to turn but inward.

This is why so many women can become overwhelmed with the desire to escape.  From their perspective, they are trapped in a loveless marriage, with an over domineering husband who likes to throw his weight around, drawing down on your own confidence and self-respect.

Is Your Husband Full of Crap?  Does He Treats You Like Crap?

married to a man without class

Some guys can be cruel .  Are you married to a man who treats you like dirt?

Has your marriage dissolved to the point where you see your husband as a guy who is full of it and just about everything he says and does makes you sick to the core?

Some husbands are bad people.

They are not nice.

They act not out of care, but out of malice.  They focus on their own needs, not your personal needs and aspirations.

Some men make really lousy husbands.

Mind you, I am not saying your husband is this way.  He may act this way and misbehave badly at times, but be careful not to rush to judgement about his overall character if something bad just recently happened.

Given the passions that can easily erupt in a marriage, emotions can take us for a ride, blinding us temporarily.

But there are some bad men out there.

For some twisted husbands, it is part of their core being to frequently mistreat or malign the character of their wife.

Even when they are frequently called out on their awful behavior, they do it any way, again and again.   Some married men are seduced by almost a pathological desire to dish out emotional abuse.  These men need help.  Whether you want to keep sticking around and try to help them is another question.

More often than not, these are not the kind of men you want to stay married to.

Life is just way to freaking short!

When you are unhappily married and everything you know, see, and feel is telling you this man you are wedded to is a really bad egg, then you have to ask yourself why are you enabling him to treat you this way by staying married to him.

When you are having so many lousy and painful experiences with your husband, despite your many efforts to make the marriage better, there is a point you will reach where it become a futile exercise to remain a couple.

That is what separation is about, in part. It’s to get away from that which is injuring you emotionally.

So when I start hearing women tell me over and over again they are sick of being married to a lousy guy and only want to be alone, it usually indicates that we could be at the beginning of the end of a relationship.

Not every man is suited to be a good husband for you.  How we connect with people varies depending on a lots of things.  Nor is every woman who is married  going to be a really good match for their spouse.

Compatibility is not a science.  There is no sure fire survey or test you can take that says, “yes, this man will be wonderful for you“.   Life experiences are usually our best way of evaluating how best we match up with a relationship partner.

Sometimes in marriage, there is a point of no return.  If you keep at it, you only deepen your misery.

Why Is My Husband Such a Bad Egg?

living with a really bad guy

Sometimes a husband’s bad, undesirable marriage behavior are triggered by deep psychological wounds….feelings of inferiority or a lack of empathetic understanding of how their words and actions can  emotionally injure their wife.

I call these guys the bad boys of marriage.

Either they have not learned about the importance of  how to operate within a marriage with kindness.  Or they just simply don’t care and are unwilling to change.

More often than not, such men are not husband material and are not going to be good for most women.

But most husbands have the potential to do better.  To do you better.

They may just need a wake up call.

Something that shakes them up and strikes at their core paradigm.  They may need to be shaken  in order to see there are serious ramifications for mistreating their wife and not working to become better husbands.

Its’ Important That The Wife Finds Her Alone Time

getting out and away from him

What I am about to tell you may sound odd.

If you are involved with a man who doesn’t pay attention to you – if you are already feeling isolated in the marriage to the extent that you feel like you are the only one really trying, sometimes what is best is to go seek out some quality time just for yourself.

Marriage is about  being with someone who makes you feel safe and content. It is about being with someone who unconditionally accepts you and love you and make you happy.

Yet if you wake up everyday feeling unfulfilled and all alone, something is really wrong.

Ironically, feeling trapped in a marriage can be a lonely experience.  You feel alone because most everyone you know don’t really understand what you are going through.

A part of you wants your husband to hold you up, to hold you close, and to love you with a ferocity.  You hunger for love, but it not being offered up to you.

So if you don’t have that in your married life you feel sad and alone.  “I am so depressed and lonely in my marriage,” one of my clients was telling me the other day.  She wanted to know how to overcome loneliness in her marriage.

After all, we know that loneliness in marriage can create new problems, leading a greater sense of despair and depression, over use of alcohol, drug use, even affairs.

All of these things can compound what is already a dysfunctional marriage.

Why Do I Feel So Lonely In My Relationship and What Can I Do About It?

going it alone for awhile

This is the central question some wives have.

On one hand, they are unhappy with their marriage and often can only fantasize about ways of escaping the dread of spending another day with their husband.

Dread and loneliness travel together.  One feeling makes you want to avoid your husband.  You can imagine how you will survive another encounter.  The other emotion makes you feel trapped, almost desperate for somebody to understand your lonely plight.

It is a solitary experience when you are married to a rotten husband and feel stuck.  As days go by and you see no progress, a sense of futility can just overcome you.

But what you are feeling is not so much loneliness of not being with people in general.  That is not really what you are missing.

What you are truly lonely about is not having love in your life.  That is the thing that is most important.   If you and your husband are like two people living together, but really living apart from each other, love is diminished.

Being married to someone who you are not sure you love is one of the saddest and loneliest experiences of them all.   We all need to give and receive love to thrive.

Just some quick advice on this point.  Whatever your situation, do not give up on those dreams of being married to a wonderful man.  Perhaps it may not be your husband of now, but the future is full of possibilities.

You may hunger for a return to those times in which the minutes of the day were filled with joy, not with sadness.

I sometimes look at things in a marriage differently than a lot of the conventional relationship experts.

So if you are in this state in which you feel sad and trapped in a toxic relationship, then it is time for you to get away.

I am not saying you should drop the marriage right then, right there.

Perhaps there is a way to save it.

But before you can contribute to saving your own marriage, you need to save yourself.

You need to get out.  You need to get away from this husband who constantly makes you feel inferior and unfulfilled.

If you feel your marriage is lost and you can’t imagine how you and your husband will ever be able to assemble all the broken pieces and recover, then my advice is to temporarily extract yourself from the situation.

It is time to pull the cord.

Think of it as taking a plunge.

A marriage parachute can save your marriage and your sense of well-being.

The need to recharge your battery, while it should be obvious, can be completely overshadowed by your need to survive and get through the next day.

But you see what is happening, right?

If you are stuck into the drudgery of marital routines that leave you wholly dissatisfied, something big has to happen to upset this balance.

Sometimes it is best to seek out some high quality time alone in order to gain some internal peace.  It also allows you to come up with a plan of action because now you can breathe and get away from the fear that he instills in you.

So if you are asking yourself why do I feel so lonely in my relationship and how will I ever survive?

Then you should answer your own query with….”I am lonely in part because I need time to find myself again.  I have accepted for too long a life and a marriage that is far from what I need and deserve.  But to see me way through this or clear of this, I need to first save myself.”

So take that time.

Tell this lousy husband of yours that you are very unhappy with the course of your marriage and your life and will be taking the next two weeks (or however long) to save yourself and that you will have more to discuss with him in the future.

Then go away and do just that.

Love yourself.

Best your own best friend.

Get centered again.

Go on a cruise if you wish. Go stay with friends.  Take long walks and reflect on what you might want to do in the future since you are at this relationship crossroads.

How it all shakes out for you will depend on lots of things.  But you won’t be in a good place to make a good decision, unless you can find peace in yourself.

Published by

Chris

Known in relationship circles as the, Ex Whisperer, Chris Seiter seeks to help men and women rekindle their love and passion and find their way back to a stable, successful relationship. As owner of the websites MyMarriageHelper.com, ExBoyfriendRecovery.com, and ExGirlfriendRecovery.com, Chris works closely with his clients, helping them see the bigger picture of how to get their ex back, recover from the pain of lost love, and become a better version of who they are.

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