It is an awful feeling when you are afraid that the man you love so much may not want to marry you.
So what do you do?
Well for starters, stop acting and looking desperate to get married!
In most cases women who fear they are losing the guy they so much want will try harder.
Often you won’t even be aware that you are coming on so strong.
And after all, doesn’t that voice in the back of your mind remind you that most men will hesitate to commit.
Isn’t that how men are wired?
It’s like it’s in their DNA, right?
But what if I told you that most everything you are thinking on how to get over the finish line is completely off base?
What if I told you that most men can spot even the least bit of over eagerness when it comes to trying to get a commitment to marriage.
Like a hound dog, a guy can sniff out when a woman wants that ring.
They can see those little unintended signals you put out which shows that you fear losing him.
They seem instinctively wired to shy away if things seem to be getting a bit too serious.
Men after all cherish their freedom and autonomy.
So how do you get over that hurdle?
How do you accomplish that which you want most in your life?
How do you disguise that part of you that grows excited about your boyfriend spending the rest of his life with you?
I once had a client ask me what she needed to do get her boyfriend to fall in love with her, then marry her. One of the things I told her was to tone down her efforts. Sometimes, if you try too hard at something, you will get in your own way.
In fact, I recently published an article about this….
We can sometimes be our worst enemy when we try too hard.
Chris, I have finally found the right guy. I have to pinch myself not to scare him off. What is your advice on how to not come off as being desperate for a serious boyfriend?
I have a new man in my life. But I don’t want to come off as looking like I am out of control. What makes a woman look desperate? Give me your list of what not to do and I will follow it to a tee.
Do you think its OK to just put it out there and let him know that I want a serious relationship that can develop into a commitment? I sometimes can come on too aggressively. My ex boyfriend told me I was pushy and it was a turn off. That hurt, and it stuck with me. How do I make my intentions known without scaring him off? I don’t want to spook him, but I want our relationship to move forward.
So what today’s post boils down to is how to not appear desperate for love.
And this comes in all forms, including how you act, appear, and communicate.
So what are the signs of a desperate woman in search of marriage?
We are going to explore some of the troublesome ones.
If you can manage to avoid some of the behaviors, then you are on the right track.
I am also going to teach you how to not look desperate when texting a guy.
That is important. If you check out my other website at exboyfriendrecovery.com, you will see that I have written extensively on this topic.
Let’s start first with my list of things you should take into account when you are trying to turn your boyfriend’s thinking toward a more serious relationship.
- Act Like You Are Not Thinking of Getting Married
Many women think that the best way to get their man to make the big move is to hint around the topic.
But making direct comments and dropping pointed hints can backfire.
In a lot of cases, you don’t want to initiate discussions about marriage. Though, I would qualify this statement by underscoring that it really depends on the guy….his personality make-up and how secure and mature he is.
You would want such thoughts of marriage to emerge from him. Or at least give him the impression that the idea is from him.
I realize that can be really hard to do if your are excited about turning the relationship into a committed marriage.
You may even be confident that he is ready and that the time is ripe to get him to talk ring, marriage, family…..the whole nine yards.
But all too often I have seen the desire of well intentioned women to move to the next rung in relationship ladder quashed by a less than enthusiastic response from the boyfriend.
So my thinking is pretty straightforward on this matter.
Don’t lead with your chin.
Don’t wade into the deep waters in which a direct conversation about marriage is hanging on your tongue.
Chances are that your guy is not fully prepared to talk about all these wonderful thoughts dancing through your mind.
Sure, he might say something that sounds acceptable and somewhat vague if you bring up marriage. But often, a guy can spot the signs of a woman who is a little too desperate to take it to the next level.
Don’t forget the importance the “chase” is to men.
You don’t want to be perceived as that girlfriend desperate to have a husband.
Guys like their freedom and they love to chase. If you make it too easy, then the value of the prize is diminished.
It is woven in their soul and their DNA
There is a psychological principle called “reactance”.
Essentially, if a person perceives they are losing their freedom or something is taken away, they will work hard to get it back.
For some men, particularly those who might be insecure, anything that they feel might take them away from their “routines” or their sense of freedom can cause them to push back.
So doing things that makes a guy feel “crowded” can work against your aims.
But you can use psychological reactance to your advantage.
Let’s assume your relationship with your boyfriend is solid.
In a man’s mind, while he may not “objectify” you or think of you as “his”; he may perceive you as part of his world that brings him happiness and fulfilment.
So rather than doing or saying things that causes him to think you are trying to possess him, flip this principle to your advantage.
You can play on doing or saying things in a subtle way that reminds him that not only do you have “value”, but he should take you for granted
Men are attracted to that which they can’t possess.
You want him to desire you and do things to ensure that you are part of his life.
To accomplish this, you need to strike a balance with pleasing him, yet making him want you more.
I realize this is a tricky thing to talk about.
I refer to this notion as becoming the “Ungettable Girl”.
She is the one that all men want, but can’t quite have.
Perhaps another way of looking at it is to give you an example of how not to act.
Confessions of a Woman Desperately in Love
If you are looking for a blueprint on how NOT to approach the sensitive subject of marriage, here is primer…
I wish I had found your website sooner. I chased after my boyfriend and hounded him relentlessly about taking our relationship to the next step. In my mind, that meant we needed to get married. But I am pretty sure I ran him right out of my life. I have read some of your posts where you talk about not being a “GNAT” (Going Nuts At Texting) and I confess I was the worst gnat a woman could be. If I had just stopped acting so needy and coming off looking so desperate, we would still be together again. I know part of the problem is my personality. I get obsessed about things until it almost becomes an addiction. I know that getting married was an obsession of mine and looking back I know why he broke up with me.
2. Work Toward Getting Your Boyfriend To Initiate The Talk About Marriage
So how do you get a guy, who you feel fairly confident is the right one to take down the aisle, to pop the question.
How do you get him even talking about long-term commitment?
After all, men are often averse to losing their freedom….. their sense of individuality, right?
A lot of men want to be with you, but when it comes to that final step of getting past their fear, insecurity, or indecision, they seem to slide back into their comfortable pocket of the status quo.
It may not be a rationale decision. And it certainly would not be a romantic inspiration.
But who ever said that most men act rationally or romantically.
Perhaps in romance novels though do, but in real life things a far more complicated.
Dropping Little Love Nuggets
Sometimes men need to understand their sense of ownership (of you) truly does not exist.
But still you want them to try to own you. It is that process of “chase” than men love to participate in.
Not that they will ever possess you in the real sense of the word, but you want your guy to forever chase after you in some respects.
Here is an example…
“Why change things?” you boyfriend might think or even say out loud to you. By saying that, he is pushing back on the notion of a higher level of commitment and taking you for granted to some extent.
Sometimes a little tongue in cheek response is appropriate. It’s a passive aggressive way of pushing back.
“Sure“, you could say……”why would we want to change things. It is going so great! I like my freedom. Perhaps some day I will find my knight in shining armor and what a shame it would be if its not you!”
Do you see where I am coming from? You want to leave men wanting more.
The more they desire on you, the more they will be open to commitment and marriage.
The more your guy thinks he has you wrapped around his finger, the more complacent he will likely become on the matter of marriage.
Stay Away From Marriage Buster Words!
In the example above, notice how the word marriage is never uttered.
Words like “commitment” or “marriage” or “engagement rings” or “wedding bands” are usually marriage buster words to some guys.
Some men may not be emotionally ready to talk about those things.
Unless a guy is sure he wants to marry you, it is best to avoid bringing these things up.
Now if your guy wants to talk marriage or long term commitment, then that is usually a good sign.
He might be trying to gauge your readiness which is a positive development.
But even then, remember the rule of “Little Steps“.
You don’t want to dive right into the topic of committment and marriage just because he opens the door to the conversation.
Avoid using the words “commitment and marriage”.
As I said, these phrases may be ingrained in your guy’s mind as sometimes having negative connations.
I know that sounds a little crazy, but remember, a guy’s fear of losing his freedom can be powerful.
So if the opportunity presents itself and your boyfriend is feeling you out on these topics, just go easy.
Turn any questions around and ask him about his feelings.
Ask open ended questions like, “do you think we have a special connection?” Do you think we are a good “match” for the long term?
Some men are commitment phobic.
And until your guy really opens up and talks the “talk”, you should consider the possibility that he has a few hangups around commitment.
Or it could be that your guy is just not mature enough emotionally to make that step.
Even if you sense that he is just a little bit unsure, it is still wise to take things slow and help him over the finish line.
What about talking about rings and babies and getting a house?
Again, unless you have a really good connection with how your man thinks, be careful about wading too deep into these waters.
Some men, it seems, are trained to run in the other direction when a woman starts talking about getting married or having babies or shopping for rings.
So if you and your man are walking around at your local mall, you probably don’t want to browse the jewelry area or hover over engagement rings.
That would be an example of coming on a bit too strong if you are still in the early stages of attachment.
Men who have some insecurities about getting married usually have a “tell“.
Like in poker, you can sometimes “tell”, by how someone acts, what kind of hand they are holding.
When a guy is not ready or is not sure if he is ready to tie the knot, he will become uneasy and fidgety or change the subject or make light of the notion.
That is his “tell”.
If he often broadcasting his “tell” on the topic of marriage or commitment, then you are probably approaching him wrong.
Many of the commercials, movies, and other memes have conditioned men to know that a woman usually wants her ring, her wedding, her house, and her baby.
Whether that be true or not, it is how a lot of guys are wired to think.
So until you have a reasonably firm level of confidence in the direction you and your guy are headed (remember the law of the “Little Steps”), it is best to avoid making any assumptions.
So what on earth can you say or do to get your boyfriend open and comfortable about discussing long-term commitment or marriage?
I say you work on becoming the Ungettable Girl”
3. Become the Ungettable Girl
So exactly what is the Ungettable Girl?
Why would your boyfriend be attracted to you if your reflect some of these qualities?
Well, I have already told you!!
Men are incredibly attracted to that which they can’t have.
It’s weird. I know! But it’s true.
Tell a guy that they can’t have sex with you quite yet. Then all he will think about is having sex with you. Almost all of the time.
Tell your boyfriend that you are not sure if you are ready for a long-term commitment, then he will start wondering, “Why doesn’t she want to be with me?“, causing him to want to be with you more.
Now, I don’t recommend you be so bold and make these kind of declarations.
What I think is more effective is being subtle and working around the edges.
Consider creating little jealousy traps.
Make yourself look fabulous to others.
Men generally are possessive.
If you are his girlfriend, he thinks of you as “his”. When he begins to doubt if that is true in all respects, then he will desire you even more.
But becoming the Ungettable Girl is a delicate balance.
If you play your cards wrong, you can turn him off.
To be an Ungettable Girl, among many things, you need to live an interesting life and act in such a manner that suggests you are not tied down by any man.
Create a buzz on social media about your positive attitude, appearance, your routines, your habits, your clothes, your skills, your accomplishments, your travels….just about everything that makes a person who they are.
An Ungettable Girl is the woman who every man wants, but are afraid to approach.
She lights up the room. She has her own life and enjoys the company of many.
The Ungettable Girl is the woman who men ask to marry. She doesn’t have to beg or plead for a commitment.
This kind of woman is coveted by men.
She has value on many levels.
She is pretty and fun to be around.
She is confident.
She is an indoor girl. She can dress and look glamorous.
But she is the outdoor girl too. She loves sports and loves to do the things other men enjoy.
Every guy tells her boyfriend that he is so lucky.
They warn him that he better get her tied down or someone else will sweep her away.
Her social media feed is full of compliments from both men and women.
An Ungettable Girl sounds like “Wonder Woman” doesn’t she!
And in a way she is. Because the reality is that the Ungettable Girl doesn’t really exist.
It is a persona you aspire to be.
It’s about building attraction and value and having your own personal power.
The more you have of these things, the greater your prospects of getting what you want from relationships.
You get to choose who you really want to be with.
4. The Couple’s Power Balance Should be Equal
The last thing I want to talk about which I think is key to helping you rope in that guy you wish to marry deals with a couple’s “power balance”.
Ideally, you and your boyfriend should have shared personal power.
What that means is you are not acting desperate to get your way about anything.
It means you have as much say as he does about the things the two of you wish to do.
Having balance in the relationship means that when your boyfriend insists that he must get his way, you check his power by having more dialogue on the topic or insisting on a counter balance request.
Ideally, a highly functioning relationship should look more like a union of two people who love each other very much.
If you find yourself always bending to your boyfriend’s needs or desires, then the balance of your relationship is probably out of whack and that does not bode well in terms of helping you get over the marriage finish line.
If you do not feel you have an equal say in many things, then you should take a step back and ask if you really want this relationship to go forward.
To often, I have seen marriages fail when mutual respect is lacking.
I have seen couples battle their way through matters of anger, resentment, and sadness when one couple hold a big personal power advantage.
So take heed if the personal power spread within the relationship is out of balance.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
In my view, it is a game changer if the power balance is out of kilter.
Next to shared mutual respect and expressions of kindness, having an equal say in matters of importance is vital to the success of the marriage.
So do yourself a favor.
Make sure what you think and believe counts for something before you act on any notion of getting married.