It’s your worst nightmare.
You come home from work one day, happy to see your lovely wife and there she is sitting at the table with a very troubled look on her face,
Ok, I’ll admit that this picture is probably a very bad representation of what your wife looks like but bear with me here. I am trying to make a point.
So, you come home and there your wife sits with that sad look on her face.
The next four words that come out of her mouth are words that you will never forget.
They are life changing…
I Want A Divorce
I’m not going to lie to you.
I hate that word.
The “D” word…
It goes by many names and today I am going to do everything in my power to teach you how to beat it.
I am going to teach you how to save your marriage. In fact, I wrote a very lengthy post on this topic, so if you have not read it yet, make a note to do so:
But first you could use a little briefing on what you are fighting against.
So, saddle up soldier we are going to WAR and We Want You!
Our Enemy… DIVORCE
Am I getting a little too goofy for you with all the army/battle/war talk relating to divorce?
Ok, I’ll tone it down.
Right now we only know one thing.
Your wife wants a divorce.
She wants to be gone from you… forever. You wonder why she seems to hate you so much and what on earth you are going to do to turn this all around. For starters, take a look at this post:
If this is your first time going through a divorce then allow me to give you the low down of what you can expect to happen.
Now, before I get started I want to say that what I talk about here is purely hypothetical. The purpose of this page isn’t to teach you the ins and outs of divorce it’s to prevent it but sometimes understanding what you are up against can do wonders in motivating you to save your marriage.
With that in mind, lets begin.
Let’s pretend that you are unsuccessful in saving your marriage and your wife decides to go through with a divorce.
The first decision that the two of you will have to come to is whether or not you are going to have an uncontested divorce or a contested one.
What’s the difference?
Well, there is a gigantic difference.
Uncontested Divorces Vs. Contested Divorces
As a couple who is about to go through divorce there are going to be disagreements.
That’s a given.
But some couples disagree so much that they need to get the courts involved.
That would be a contested divorce.
And uncontested divorce would be a divorce in which the courts don’t get involved. It is generally a lot cheaper (but still pretty darn expensive) than a contested divorce.
But sometimes exes can be so vindictive that they will do some pretty nasty things to each other and demand to go to court to get,
- More Money
- Custody Of Children
- Child Support
- You Get The Idea
This is bad on a lot of levels because the family courts (where divorces go to get settled) are A LOT different than a court like the criminal court.
I am glad you asked.
Lets pretend that you committed a crime and you have to go to court.
Well, you have the opportunity to have a lawyer present, there will be a judge who presides over the case and there will be a jury.
Ultimately in criminal court the jury makes the decision on whether or not the person who is going to trial is guilty or innocent.
Family courts (remember, they deal with divorces) are a bit different.
Instead of having a jury of your peers listen to your side of the story and hand down a verdict the judge listens and hands down the verdict.
In other words, there is no Jury to keep the Judge and Lawyers honest.
And while you are still allowed to represent yourself in the divorce case the way the process works is so complicated that you can lose a divorce battle against your spouse (or ex spouse) just for not knowing the process.
In other words, the system is rigged to make you get a lawyer.
Lawyers cost money…
A lot of money.
Oh, but I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet.
When you do sign up to get a lawyer for the family courts guess what the first order of business is.
The lawyer asks you to give him access to see how much money you and your spouse share.
So, once they have a good idea of how much the two of you share they will most likely gut you or prolong the case on purpose to exhaust everything the two of you own.
In fact, the documentary, Divorce Corp cited many examples where people went into debt just trying to pay their lawyers fees.
Granted, is every divorce experience like that?
However, I am sure the last thing you want is to get into some huge custody battle over your children and have some court appointed person come into your home and tell you whether or not you are fit to raise a child.
I guess what I am trying to get at here is preserving your marriage is definitely worth the battle.
How can you preserve your marriage when your wife is so steadfast in her wanting a divorce?
Overcoming Your Wife’s “Want” Of A Divorce
I suppose the first thing that we are going to talk about is your wife’s need of a divorce.
You wouldn’t be reading this article if everything was fine and dandy in your marriage.
That’s the truth.
The only people who would invest time in reading this are men whose wives want a divorce.
Now, I don’t know you personally so I don’t know what happened in your marriage to make your wife want a divorce but she does want one.
This is a bit of a problem because it’s kind of impossible to save a marriage if the two of you are already divorced.
(Actually, that’s not entirely true. I have gotten some couples back together AFTER being divorced but I already know you want to avoid a divorce as much as humanly possible, right?)
So, I have this theory.
Lets call it the theory of headwind.
The Theory Of Headwind
Imagine that you are sailing a ship.
Everything is going along nicely and then all of a sudden you hit this headwind,
You are stopped in your tracks and you can’t get any further until you find a way to get around this “headwind.”
Do you see where I am going with this?
Right now your wife has this huge want to get a divorce from you. This is headwind to saving your marriage.
I guess the diagram would look like this,
So, it’s up to you to navigate around this headwind.
You see, marriage is one of those entities where both parties have an equal say and that means that you need to get your wife on board with saving the marriage if you are going to have any shot of implementing the 5 synergistic principles I talk about here (more on that in a second.)
The question you are probably wondering at this point is,
“Ok, Chris I understand what you are saying but HOW? How can I convince my wife to work with me to save this marriage?”
I’ll admit that it’s not exactly the easiest thing to accomplish but it can be done.
I am a big believer in the power of influence so I think we are going to have to use that to our advantage.
The Power Of Influence And How To Get Your Wife On Board
I am going to tell you a story and while it may seem like it has nothing to do with your situation it will.
Just trust me on this, ok?
Alrighty, I am HUGE fan of the Netflix show,
Earlier this year season three of the show was released and I was pumped for it.
I felt like I had waited an entire year for it because I had!
Now, Netflix has tried to revolutionize the process of watching a TV show by releasing all the episodes at once.
Traditionally TV episodes would be drip fed at a week at a time but Netflix doesn’t do that.
Nope, they release all the episodes for consumers to watch at once.
A special term has been coined to describe this phenomenon.
It’s called Binge Watching.
Anyways, my schedule is pretty darn busy.
- I have a job (running three popular relationship websites)
- I have a family (a wife and daughter)
- I also like staying in shape (so I workout and play tennis.)
But on the day that season three of House of Cards came out I cleared my schedule.
I didn’t work…
My wife was at work so no issue there (and our daughter wasn’t born yet)
Oh, and I pretty much said a big fat NO to the prospect of working out.
Instead, I just binge watched the entire season.
Seriously, I barely came up for a breath while I watched this bad boy.
Now, why would I tell you that story?
To tell you about the power of influence.
This show had so much influence over me that I basically neglected all my other responsibilities to watch it.
Something interesting is happening there.
Imagine if we could create this same type of influence over your wife that she would want to save your marriage instead of getting a divorce.
THIS is what we are going to try to achieve but how?
How can we create this type of influence over her?
How To Create The Type Of Influence That Will Make Your Wife Want To Save Your Marriage
Why is it so important to get your wife on the “save your marriage” bandwagon?
I want you to take a look at the fun little graphic I put together below,
Basically what this graphic is trying to represent is the fact that if you can successfully overcome the headwind of your wife’s need for divorce your chances of success are going to be quite good.
However, if you aren’t able to overcome this need for divorce then your chances of failure are very high.
EVERYTHING hinges on this…
No pressure though.
It is for this reason that I want to focus almost all of our energy into overcoming this headwind.
Now, I have already taught you that influence is your best way to combat this need of divorce BUT before I start teaching you how to create the right type of influence I want to talk to you about something.
Your Wife Needs To Come To This Decision On Her Own
I have been doing this for quite some time and would you like to know what I have found to be the case when it comes to saving a marriage?
BOTH people need to come the decision to save the marriage on their own.
Now, you obviously have already concluded that you want to save your marriage so we can check you off on our marriage checklist.
But your wife hasn’t and that’s why we are here.
Of course, when some men find themselves in this predicament they do something really stupid.
They try forcing their wives to stay in the marriage in a variety of strange ways.
At the top of the list of strange ways is therapy…
Now, it’s not a bad idea at face value but when you have one person who is going to be uncooperative it’s a waste of money in my mind.
Remember, the name of the game here is that your wife has to come to this decision on her own.
I know what your thinking…
“Chris, if my wife has to come to this decision on her own doesn’t that mean that there is nothing I can do to help her come to that decision on her own?”
I am about to teach you about the power of influence which can make her come to the decision on her own there is also a sneaky little tactic that you can employ to prod her in the right direction.
Put Her In Situations Where She Might Come To The Decision On Her Own
A few days after you came home from work and your wife informed you that she wants “The D Word” you leave the computer open and logged onto this site.
Now, what happens when you leave your computer logged onto a site for a long time?
It goes into sleep mode.
So, your wife goes over to the computer, wakes it up and is ready to do some internet browsing of her own.
Guess what though…
The computer is logged into this site and it’s kind of interesting to her since technically you are reading this page because of her.
So, she starts reading this site and the content captivates her.
In fact, she is so touched by it that SHE COMES TO HER OWN DECISION that she wants to save your marriage.
I know… My Marriage Helper is awesome!
Ok, all kidding aside what happened in this hypothetical situation that made your wife come to her own conclusion that she wanted to save your marriage?
Well, for one you weren’t the one constantly badgering her about it.
Instead, she read something, from me, that made her want to save it.
Before I started My Marriage Helper I did what any good student of the relationship game would do.
I did research on what the experts out there said was the best way to save your marriage from divorce.
Of course, as I have said many times on this website, I was very disappointed.
HOWEVER, in the midst of that disappointment there was one piece of advice that all of them seemed to give.
Care to take a guess as to what all the experts out there agreed on?
People often need an outside force like a friend, family member, book, website, etc to help them realize that saving a marriage is worth it.
Why does it sometimes take an outside force to convince a person that saving a marriage from divorce is worth it?
My “Admitting A Problem” Theory
I hate using my own marriage as an example for things but I feel I kind of have to, to explain this theory to you.
Alright, I am not perfect.
I just want to throw that out there right now.
So, lets “hypothetically” say that my wife comes up to me one day and says that she wants to go to couples counseling.
How do you think I would react to that?
Oh, and bear in mind that I teach people how to get back together/stay together for a living.
The Answer = I would probably go batsh*t crazy.
Because going to couples training is essentially admitting that my marriage is having a problem and that this problem needs OUTSIDE help.
I don’t like admitting that I have a problem and I certainly don’t like admitting that I need help to fix it.
I would liken it to going to the grocery store with a list of items that I have no idea where to find.
Instead of asking someone who works at the grocery store my pride takes over and I end up trying to find all the items myself, unsuccessfully I might add.
(FYI… I literally did this yesterday.)
However, I bet you if I had been there with a friend I would have had no problem asking where those items were if he had pushed me to do so.
Human beings have this belief that they can fix everything when they are own their own and sometimes an outside force is needed to not only convince them that they need help but to actually help them fix their marriage.
But lets say that you do everything that I am telling you to do and get some type of outside force to help make your wife realize that she doesn’t want a divorce and it still doesn’t work…
Well, then you are going to have to lean on the power of influence.
How To Use “Influence” To Overcome Your Wife’s Need Of A Divorce
If you haven’t already realized I like to do something that is rare in my line of work.
I like letting my personality show.
As a result you get some really goofy things happening in my articles.
Lot’s of memes…
Lot’s of ridiculous pictures where I brag about myself…
Oh, and lots of fun little graphics explaining what I am teaching. Well, I promise you that I haven’t let you down as I created a pretty cool infographic on what you need to do to influence your wife to NOT get a divorce.
Check it out,
Pretty cool, right?
You are probably sitting there thinking,
“What the hell is this kid’s problem? I don’t even understand it.”
Allow me to explain.
I suppose we will start from the top with highlighting your good qualities.
STEP ONE: Highlight Your Good Qualities & Erase Your Bad Qualities
Think of someone who you are a huge fan…
Who is your hero…
Who influences you…
When you think of them what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Well, I can guarantee you that it’s not their bad qualities. In fact, you might find yourself defending their bad qualities from criticism.
Here is the simple truth.
When you are influenced by something you kind of get tunnel vision and overlook anything negative about it.
This tunnel vision effect is something that is essential for you to achieve if you want to have any chance of convincing your wife to stay married to you.
Thus, everything we are going to do from this point on is meant to highlight your good qualities and erase your bad qualities.
We want your wife to get this tunnel vision.
Of course, what’s the best way to that you can accomplish that?
By setting up a date of course!
STEP TWO: Alone Time Together (Setting Up A Date)
Alright, before I say anything I want to direct you to this page and have you look at synergistic principle number one.
What does it say?
You didn’t look did you…
Ok, I guess I will give the answer to you even though you were lazy and didn’t look…
Synergestic Principle Number One = Spending ALONE Time Together
Basically I want you to try to secure a date with your wife.
Now, when the two of you were happily married this wasn’t a tough ask but now that the mayor of splitsville is knocking on your door it might be.
But before I start talking about strategies on how to get your wife to agree to a date I think I should highlight the importance of why it’s crucial that you get the date.
My wife and I recently have a new addition to our family.
And no I am not talking about a flower I am talking about our daughter.
Don’t congratulate us yet.
If you have ever had a newborn at home (that is colicky) then you can understand what I am about to say next.
I think people are afraid to admit that…
I think they think that it will make them bad parents to admit that but the truth is that when you have to watch a human being 24/7 who cries when you put her down… it’s tough to find the beautiful side.
Our parents on the other hand…
Well, they are thrilled to become grandparents.
In particular, her parents came over to watch the baby for a few hours so we could get out of the house and let me tell you that, that was revolutionary.
In fact, my wife and I joked that it felt like we got sprung from prison.
My point is that having the quality time together alone was awesome for us.
And a world where married couples often have work, kids or other commitments it can be kind of tough to find that quality time.
In fact, I am willing to bet that lately you and your wife haven’t had any of this intimate time alone.
This leads me to my next point.
Things haven’t been great for you and your wife’s marriage lately. So, getting your wife to agree to go on a date with you might be challenging.
Now, I am assuming that you are still married while you are reading this but I am also assuming your wife has either asked for a divorce or a separation.
If that’s the case I am not sure a “romantic date” is going to be an easy sell right off the bat.
You may have to show her something first before you try to get this “romantic date.”
That’s where the dating value chain comes into play.
The Dating Value Chain
Take a look at the graphic below for me,
This is something that I like to call the dating value chain.
The way it works is quite simple.
Your wife probably isn’t going to be too keen on a romantic date where you pull out all the stops.
So, rather than overwhelming her at first by trying to get her to agree to the date lets work her up to the idea.
You want to start off with something small like a cup of coffee and once you get her to agree to that you move on to the next box, the medium outing.
This should be like lunch in the middle of the day while the large outing should be something like taking her to a sports game or something of that nature.
Eventually once you get her to agree to see you three times then getting that romantic date should be easy, right?
Well, I left out one very important part of the dating value chain.
Attraction needs to be built in every single category.
Here, I will draw it for you,
Before when I was explaining the dating value chain I made it seem like it was transitioning from one box to the next but it’s really not. The only way to successfully transition is to build your wife’s attraction towards you up in every single box.
So, an ideal value chain works like this.
Attraction Built In Small Outing (transition to) Medium Outing
Attraction Built In Medium Outing (transition to) Large Outing
Attraction Built In Large Outing (transition to) Romantic Date
Lets talk about what to do once you get this romantic date.
Step Three: Positivity & Kindness
If you go back to the basic “synergistic principles” to save your marriage there is one principle that stands above the rest as “the most important.”
Care to take a guess at what that principle is?
Yup, it’s bringing positivity and kindness to your relationship.
Here is the way I look at it.
Our thoughts cause us to feel.
For example, if you think about the time you kissed your wife for the first time you are probably going to feel good.
Now, the reverse is also possible when you think about the first time that you asked a girl out and got rejected. I am thinking you probably aren’t going to feel too good thinking about that.
So, the process looks like this,
You will notice that there are only two types of feelings that your thoughts can give you.
Good ones and bad ones.
(I am sure technically there are a lot more than two but lets keep this simple right now.)
This little graphic is what is happening to your wife except instead of thinking thoughts that give her good feelings she is thinking thoughts that are making her feel bad inside.
By showing her positivity and kindness you are going to give her thoughts that make her feel good.
So, we are looking for this to happen,
Bringing positivy and kindness to your relationship with your wife is essential if you are going to influence her to stop the divorce.
Of course, there is another clever little tactic that you can employ to influence her.
Step Four: Flatter Her
Who doesn’t like a good compliment?
Women, being especially conscious about things like looks LOVE compliments.
So, here is my question for you.
When was the last time you complimented your wife?
And I mean really complimented her?
Due to the divorce I am assuming you haven’t said a nice thing about her in some time and taking from the process I taught you above about good feelings and bad feelings it is probably very hard to compliment someone who has caused you so much pain.
But it needs to happen.
Now, I am not saying that you need to be ridiculous with the compliment.
You can start off small and slowly work your way up.
(Very similar to what I was teaching you with the date idea above. )
It would look something like this,
Notice how the compliments become bigger and bigger.
The way this works is that you can’t give your wife a huge compliment until you first give her a small one (she accepts it) then a medium one (with her accepting it) and finally the big compliment.
It is only until she accepts all three that you can swoop in with your romantic compliment.
Now, I know it seems weird not giving a romantic compliment right off the bat to the woman you are married to but things aren’t great as of late so better to be safe than sorry.
Step Five- Use Adrenaline To Your Advantage
There is a psychological principle that states,
Sexual attraction occurs with an increased frequency during states of strong emotion.
Let me give you an example of how this works.
Lets pretend that you go out on a date with your soon to be ex wife.
However, this isn’t any ordinary date.
This date is full of adrenaline, excitement and fun.
Basically the purpose of the date is to increase the state of emotion that your wife is in.
Ideally if you do that then according to this psychological principle your wife should find your more sexually attractive.
So, here is what I want you to do.
Notice how the adrenaline and excitement from the date raises your wife’s sexual attraction for you?
This is what we are trying to accomplish.
Basically the more sexual attraction your wife feels for you the more influence you will have when it comes to stopping the divorce.