How Do I Forgive And Forget My Husband’s Affair

It’s a fair question, isn’t it.  How do you go about forgiving and forgetting that your husband had an affair?

It turns out that forgiving and forgetting your husband’s affair is not something you can snap your fingers and make happen.  Forgiveness will come eventually.  To forget your husband cheated on you, well, that is a tall order.

Did You See This Affair Coming?

taken down by a marriage vow broken

My bet is you didn’t.  Most women don’t expect their husband to be unfaithful and when they are, it is shocking to learn that their man has cheated on them.  Even when you pick up some little clues, signs or hints of an affair, it will still feel like you have been clobbered over the head when the truth pours out.

After all, you married this man to spend your life being happy and not having to worry about what he is up to. You don’t want to have doubts about whether he is screwing around with other women.

Could He Be With Someone Else?

As his wife, you don’t want to spend your days wondering how to forgive your husband for hurting you in this way.

Why should you even consider forgiving and forgetting that he slept with another woman?

Maybe you shouldn’t.  He might not be worth it.  He screwed around one too many times.  Once is enough, right?

It’s not as simple as that is it?

We are going explore some of this.

What Possessed Your Husband To Betray You Like This?

why did he betray me

It turns out there are numerous reasons why your husband betrayed you and all of these things need to be considered before your think of forgiving and forgetting that he cheated on you.

Today, we are going to talk about how to get over the fact your husband cheated on you.   We are going to talk about the 5 Possible Reasons Why Your Husband Got Involved in His Affair.

You probably also want to know how long it normally takes to forgive infidelity.

We are also going to explore what might be happening with your feelings now that you know your husband is a cheater.

Finally, we will talk about why it is so hard on you to get over his cheating and what you can do if you believe you can’t get over his infidelity.

You Will Also Learn About Repeated Marriage Affairs

multiple affairs

In closing, we will tackle what you can do if your husband has cheated on you several times. Has you husband been involved with multiple women?  Did he commit repeated affairs?

You might ask yourself if you will ever get over the pain of repeated affairs.

You will learn that how you get over the hurt of repeated instances of infidelity is a two-fold challenge because you are also going to have to figure out if your husband is worth staying with.

Lastly, you will need to think about whether the marriage is still worth saving given all that has transpired.

How Do I Get Over the Hurt Of Infidelity?

getting away from pain

When you can’t forgive your spouse for betraying you then the marriage is likely stuck in reverse.  I know it’s hard. You married a man who you thought would be faithful to you.

But he was not.  He cheated.  He gave in to whatever desires or temptations were at work in his mind and heart.

So now you need to learn how you go about getting over the pain and hurt of being a victim of an affair.

Don’t tell yourself you can’t get over your husband cheating because we can all learn to forgive over time.

Should I Forgive What He Did?

Just know that you will be in a vulnerable place for quite some time.  So be careful of those inner demons that might speak to you.

The angry voices in your mind might try to convince you that your husband is not worth it. That you will never be able to forgive his infidelity.

You may be haunted by visions of his cheating causing you to experience an assortment of emotions as you reconcile why he could not be faithful to you.

So the first step in recovering from the confusing, angry, and depressing states of mind you will likely experience is to start with trying to understand why your husband did it.

Why did he get mixed up with the other woman?

What Are The Top 5 Reasons Why Your Husband Cheated and Hooked Up With Another Woman?

can't trust him

The reasons for why men choose to cheat on their spouse are never completely clear in the beginning.

There is a good possibility he won’t ever tell you the full reason. I know that sounds harsh and may be difficult to process.  But consider this.  You already caught your husband in a lie.  He has been with another woman behind your back.  What he may tell you now may strain credibility.

So don’t get too stuck on the why.  It is important, yes.  And we will talk about these reasons.  But know that it is not always a straightforward thing.

Your husband may fully know why he committed adultery.  But he may not fully understand why he did it and the consequences of his actions.

And knowing that he has lied about his faithfulness to you, you should also accept that he may be lying to himself about certain things.

So let’s explore some of the top reasons why your husband got involved in an affair.  None of these reasons are offered as a way to forgive men for their actions, but they might give you some insight into what got into your husband to cause him to commit the worst sin of marriage.

1. Men Cheat on Their Wives Because They Want Sex With Other Women

I know that sounds sorta hardcore and is a generalization, but is basically true.  Sex is a basic drive in all humans and men in particular tend to think of it more.

Knowing that he has you and can make love with you is important to him.  Knowing another woman and cheating with her in the “biblical way” satisfies certain core primal urges.

So sometimes a married man will cross the line of what he knows is wrong and go seek out sex for its own merits.  Not for love.  But for the experience of sexual satisfaction.

2. It Can Be Really Hard To Forgive Your Husband If He Was Tempted and Lured Away

It happens.  Another woman makes it her mission to catch his eye.  And given that “men want sex”, it doesn’t take for a guy to fall under another woman’s spell.

In most cases, a happily married man will resist because he loves you and is happy and satisfied with all you give him.

But even the most loving and caring of men can have a weak moment if all the right things fall in place and the other woman is determined to woo him and entice him to have sex with her.

3. Forgiving An Affair Is Made Harder When You Suspect Your Husband is Dissatisfied With Your Love Life

Talk about adding insult to injury.

What is interesting about this is that while your husband may feel like there is a lot of room for improvement in the area of your love life, when I talk with some women about this topic, they too will complain that their husband is not satisfying them sexually in the way they desire.

When it comes to sex, a couple can easily have a disconnect, with neither of them meeting the other’s needs.  The lack of communication is sometimes the problem, but of course this is a big topic and lots of things can influence a couple’s sexual compatibility.

But sometimes, when a husband feels he is neglected in the bedroom, he will go off seeking satisfaction elsewhere.  Again, it’s most often a physical thing and not because he doesn’t adore you.

4. He Says He Cheated Because He No Longer Loves You

It is a horrible thought to consider.

Is it possible that your husband has fallen out of love with you and worse, that he has fallen in love with this other women he is having an affair with.

Yep, if your husband utters those words, it can make it pretty tough to ever forgive him.

But let me tell you something important.

When men tell you that they are not sure if they still love you in the same way or that have found another woman who is their true soul mate, much of the time it turns out not to be true.

5. He Says He Has No Clue Why He Cheated On You?

Before you spit in his face and throw him out because you are so disgusted, just know that men do stupid things all the time.  We all commit foolish acts.  He sincerely may not truly be in touch with his feelings.   His struggle in explaining why he was unfaithful may be legitimate.

Or it is possible he knows exactly why he committed adultery and just doesn’t want to tell you.  Could it be that underlying deception again coming from him.   It is a slippery slope when we start analyzing the psychology of another’s actions.

You will be left with questions like:

  • Is He Telling Me the Truth?

The answer is he probably isn’t telling you the whole story. Consider that he is in survival mode and lying about some things.

  • Does He Even Know What He Wants?

The truth is your husband may be quite confused about what he wants and could be operating on automatic pilot without any thought of consequences.

  • Does He Have A Clue How His Betrayal Is Tearing Me Apart?

Your guy may be so into himself that he is clueless. He may be so caught up in this affair that he can’t see or think straight. He just keeps doing the naughty, hoping he won’t get caught.

  • Can He Ever Be Trusted Again To Not Enter Into Another Affair?

The answer is most likely that the chances of him cheating again are somewhat higher than just before he started his initial affair.  Don’t put it past him to rationalize his behavior in some bizarre way to make it feel right in his heart and mind.

  • Does It Even Matter So Much Why He Did It?

You bet it matters.  You should have zero tolerance for this kind of behavior and knowing why he did it can potentially help you and your husband to avoid future cheating episodes.

  • Should I Forgive My Husband If He Says It Was A Casual Thing?

Absolutely not, at least not for awhile.  If your husband insists that the affair meant nothing and it was just a casual fling, stop him in mid sentence.  Walk out of the room. He doesn’t deserve your time in that moment.  When men say that the other woman doesn’t mean anything to them, they are either lying or they are trying to play down the awful things they did.

  • Is My Husband Just a Sexual Beast – Skipping From One Affair To the Next?

There is no justification for any husband to skip from one affair to another, over and over again, like it is something they can’t stop.  If your husband has a clinical, psychological sexual disorder then he needs to get treatment.  Otherwise, something needs to change fast because it is entirely dysfunctional when a husband thinks he has a license to cheat.

How Long Will It Take You To Get Over Your Husband’s Affair?

time to get past pain

You might be asking yourself how long it will take you to forgive your husband for betraying you.   To forgive a cheating spouse it is going to take a lot of time and will power and the spirit of forgiveness won’t wash all over you until you are satisfied he is truly regretful and has taken actions to rebuild trust.

The forgiveness part won’t happen for a while.

And getting over all the bad memories and physical hurts from him cheating on you won’t happen overnight either.

It won’t necessarily take you exactly 6 months to get over his cheating ways.  Nor can I say that it will take you less than 6 months to heal all your wounds and get the marriage on a better track.

And I am not going to be fatalistic either and tell you that it will take you years and years to get over the pain and distrust of your spouse’s infidelity.

It doesn’t work that way.  Every situation is different.

But eventually forgiving him is important. You must do this not just to help the marriage work, but you need to do it for yourself.

Healing From Betrayal

You don’t want to carry that burden of resentment of his betrayal with you for the rest of your life.

Your husband will have to learn to forgive himself  too.  I know, you might be thinking, “why does my husband have to forgive himself?”

It turns out, that in most of these cases, the men who cheat on their wives carry a burden of guilt.  As they should because what they did was wrong.  But healing needs to come to them too.

Marriage affairs just muck up everything. There will be a lot of healing to go around.

Here are some things you can do to help yourself to get over the emotional struggles of being cheated on.

5 Things You Can Do To Get Past All the Hurts of Learning of His Affair

get some alone time

Consider doing each of these things if you want to move on from his adulterous ways.

It’s worth it if you think you want to be with your husband in the future.  And even if you plan on leaving him, you will still need to get your mind and emotions in better working order.

Remember, there is not surefire cure for putting it all behind you.  Honestly, it never completely will fade from your mind.

But there are Steps you can take to bring some peace into your life if he cheated on you.

Step 1: Take Some Time To Be With Yourself

You will need to spend some quality time by yourself.  Just figuring out what has happened and what it all means is going to be overwhelming.  So go some place for a few hours to be alone.

Step 2: It’s Important To Release Your Pain

Have a good cry.  It’s OK. It is an emotionally healthy thing for you to do.

What has happened to you hurts tremendously and you need to release it.  Later you may wish to take some extended time away from your husband to gather more of your thoughts and begin a fuller healing process.

That might not be the right approach for everyone who have been stung by the discovery that their husband has been unfaithful to them.  It may not even be practical, depending on your situation.  But instead of trying to immediately hash it all out with him, just get away and clear out your mind.

It could be hours or days.  It depends on your situation.

If you are not the crying type, then do something physical like a long walk or bike ride.  Running and working out in some way, particularly in the days following the revelation of your husband’s affair, can be very helpful with coping.

Step 3: Don’t Do Anything Rash As It Will ONLY Add To The Chaos Around Discovering He Had An Affair

  • Your emotions will fly high when you learn what he did.  Don’t compound things by doing or saying something rash. (e.g. “We are finished”, “I want you to pack and leave”, “I want a divorce”, etc.)
  • If you insist on knowing every detail about his affair, things will go downhill fast for you both. There is just some stuff you don’t need to hear.
  • You will be really upset and vulnerable when you learn of his betrayal, so don’t turn to drugs or alcohol to get relief.
  • Remember, you didn’t do anything wrong.  He did.
  • Do not succumb to any urges to withdrawal all the money from the bank and cash him out.  You would be creating financial Armageddon.
  • Do seek out an effort to get revenge by having your own affair.
  • Panic attacks can occur if you become hysterical so remove yourself from any environment that can blow up.
  • Don’t beg for him to stay or don’t insist he must leave this other woman immediately.  Of course that needs to happen, but it is important that he initiates this conversation and convinces you its over and means it.  There will be time later to work out the details (as a couple) on confirming and validating that the other relationship has truly ended.
  • Don’t act like a victim or play the victim role.  Yes, what your husband did by cheating on you was awful and wrong.  But if you get pulled into acting the victim, you open yourself to become one again in the future.

Step 4:  Don’t Immediately Commit To Forgiving Him

Part of you may think it would be best to just let your husband know you still love him and forgive him for taking up with this other woman.

I know you probably still love him.  But forgiveness for such an act should not come easily.

Don’t think that by blurting out that you still stand by him and forgive him and will just forget it happened, will make things better for you or him.

It won’t.  It won’t because it isn’t real.

Our minds and hearts don’t work that way.

First of all, you have your own processing and healing period you need to get through before you are even ready to offer forgiveness and that will take a while.

And forgiveness granted to a cheating spouse is not something freely given away.

It is something that your husband will have to earn through his actions and behaviors and commitment to prove to you that he will be faithful.

Step 5: Consider Getting Counseling From An Affair Expert

You might be able to work out things on your own.  Rebuilding trust and repairing the damage will always take some time, no matter how you go about it.

But this can be a difficult topic to talk about and work through, so sometimes it can help you get over your husband’s affair if you are working with someone who has experience in such matters.

Will The Pain of Infidelity Ever Go A Way?

future holds promise

You might be thinking that the pain of your husband’s infidelity will never go away.  That you will be forever stuck in a place where you can never learn to trust your husband.

Thinking of offering forgiveness to your husband after his infidelity may be the furthermost thing in your mind.

But know that the angry, bitter, unsettled, confusing, and depressing slate of emotions you are going to deal with will eventually subside.

Life keeps moving forward and we cannot allow ourselves to dwell in self-pity and the bad, dark places.

A Better Place To Go

Yes, the pain won’t just dissipate easily.  What he did may never be forgotten.  His affair may have permanently damaged your marriage.

But you will learn to move forward. Take whatever path you choose to take, with or without your husband.

You may find yourself asking, “what can I do If I can’t get over his infidelity?”

Just keep reminding yourself the pain from the past will subside and soon you will be facing new challenges.

Life marches on. Keep your focus on those things that fulfill you.  Soak up enjoyment.  It is a choice.

My Husband Cheated Twice – Should I Stay With Him?

should I keep him

How do you forgive a cheating husband who twice has taken up with women?

He has burned you once.  Now it has happened again.  It could be worse. Maybe your husband has cheated on you multiple times.

Is he worth fighting to keep?

I think the answer is probably No, for most people.  There may not be much to gain if you can’t believe in your husband when it comes to the most intimate aspects of your marriage.

Having to recover from a man’s cheating ways can seem unbearable.  Imagine having to deal with a man who breaks your heart knowingly, over and over again.

Is you husband worthy of forgiveness?

In some cases, it becomes futile to keep giving him another chance.  There may come a point where the measure of your own self-respect comes under fire.

Will he or can he ever stop having affairs?

If he has been carrying on with the ladies throughout the marriage, maybe you should you just end things.

What is left of the marriage when a husband has multiple flings and shows little remorse?

Probably not much.

To help you with working through this, consider these Points before you make a definitive decision on your next steps.

10 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Giving Up On Your Husband for Having Multiple Affairs

before giving up

  1. Does he see and meet up with women because he wants to hurt and shame me?
  2. Has my husband lost all self-respect and cares little for his marriage?
  3. Will forgiving him again for his affairs give him license to go out and do it again?
  4. Has he really learned his lesson this time or is he just telling me what he thinks I want to hear?
  5. Can I continue to live and remain married to a man who behaves in this way?
  6. Am I in denial about his actions because the reality is he will never change?
  7. Will I be happier if he was not in my life?
  8. Is the second time he cheated on me with the same woman he had an affair with the first time around?
  9. How is the rest of the marriage and can I live with the possibility that he will be unfaithful again?
  10. Will I be able to forgive myself for remaining in a marriage in which my husband knowingly commits adultery and continues to lie about it?

Obviously, the answers to all of these questions will be different for each person and given the highly personal nature of this problem and for what is at stake, I encourage you to take a good deal of time processing through your feelings to arrive at what is best for you and your family.

Published by

Chris

Known in relationship circles as the, Ex Whisperer, Chris Seiter seeks to help men and women rekindle their love and passion and find their way back to a stable, successful relationship. As owner of the websites MyMarriageHelper.com, ExBoyfriendRecovery.com, and ExGirlfriendRecovery.com, Chris works closely with his clients, helping them see the bigger picture of how to get their ex back, recover from the pain of lost love, and become a better version of who they are.

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