Today’s article is going to be focused on helping you with getting your distant husband back.
So what do I mean by that? For example, you might need help in just getting your husband to be the kind of man he was when the two of your were dating or were early in the marriage.
In this instance, it is not that you literally lost your husband to another lover or to separation or divorce. What we are dealing with in this case is the age old problem of a couple slowly growing apart. What we are talking about is how emotional distance in a relationship can take on a life of it is own.
Do you ever feel your husband acts like he is not attracted to you? I tackle this topic in this post, so take a look after you finish this article!
It can grow in its influence and begin to adversely effect the quality of your marriage. When you sense such a force is influencing your marriage in a negative way, then you need to take action. Once the emotional distance marital genie is out of the bottle, it has a way of becoming a 3rd party in your relationship.
But let’s not get too carried away. Before we proceed, let’s first put emotional distance in perspective. It is not unusual for a couple to go through some rough or choppy waters. There can be challenging periods due to a fight or challenges at work or fatigue or unusual stressful periods. Life is chalk full of individual challenges that can influence a couple’s happiness. And likewise, life can create challenges for a couple that impacts the individual’s qualify of fulfillment.
So let’s talk about that first and then I would like to give you a few pointers that might help get your marriage back on track. Later, I will be writing another article that will get into an even more serious issue of a husband that is truly removed from your life for reasons that relate to affairs or matters which lead to separation or divorce. For now, let’s keep the focus on the more common place phenomenon in which you perceive your husband is just not as connected or bonded with you as in the early days of the marriage.
What To Do When Your Husband is Not Emotionally Involved in Your Marriage
I think one of the most common complaints I get from wives is that their husband just seems not to care as much as they use to. The women I talk to wonder if they have done something wrong. They want to know why their husband seems bored and detached. They want to know what causes their guy to go from being romantic and loving to disengaged or even somewhat bored.
Some of my clients ask me is it possible their husband is just tired of being married to them. I actually talk about this in this post, so please take a look to learn more!
Quite honestly, when it comes to a husband’s discontent, the cause of the problem can be quite complex, so the solutions are not always the same for each couple.
But let’s try to focus on some of the more common problems that contribute to a husband’s seemingly lack of interest in his wife. And again, I must warn you….the marital landscape of a couple that are just not connecting as they once did is far reaching and quite hard to dissect in an individual article. So bear in mind, my relationship observations will be somewhat generalized.
So if you accept that then we are ready to explore some of the common causes that might help you understand where your man’s head is at.
The Challenge of the Chase
Your man loves to chase.
He loves the idea of a challenge laid out before him that must be conquered. It is written into his code and is exhibited in many of his daily behaviors. Second to this desire of wanting to pursue or chase a goal is a man’s desire to feel useful and feel that their actions count for something.
Creating this sense of purpose is instrumental keeping your husband engaged in the relationship. If things come easy, the appreciation and value of what he perceives as engaging and challenging experiences within the relationship is minimized.
So give you husband something to get excited about. You could also make it thrilling for him. And as you construct this little real life fantasy (let’s call it a “come true experience”) for your husband, just know that it will also serve to make you feel special. You will find it interesting and fun planning out what it is you want you husband to do. And that is the key. Physical action is often a way into the heart and mind of your man.
Think of yourself as the conductor of a little chase drama of your own making. You could leave him a a string of little clues about finding you and if he is successful, then you can make it worth his while. If you follow this line of thinking (i.e. a man’s way of interacting with the world), then there should be a reward. The chase adds excitement and creates a memory and association of fun and fulfillment which will be connected to you.
I had one client who decided she would surprise her husband with a game. She called it hide and seek and reward. She decided her husband was going to get a special sexual treat….namely her. But he was going to have to work for it.
She left him a key and a letter with instructions on what to do. The key opened the door to a hotel room she was staying at. The note described the manner in which she would be dressed and some of the things that would happen if he chose the “right door”. One way or the other, her husband would be rewarded, but he would have to apply himself.
The husband’s task was to use the clues in the letter to figure out which hotel she was staying at. She gave her husband three choices. If he picked the correct hotel within a given time line, then his sexual reward would be higher and more erotic. Spicing things up for your husband can create powerful and lasting memories and in doing so, it can create this sense of seeking out these experiences again and again with you. These experiences of challenge and chase and reward become positive memories which are locked into his psyche and associated with “you”.
The Theory of the Gone Girl
While it may seem odd, sometimes the way to attract and stimulate your husband and shake him loose from his sense of detachment and emotional distance is to play the part of the wife who is unavailable.
I know…it sounds counterproductive, but think of it as a form of reverse psychology! Trust me, my reasoning is grounded in a sound psychological framework. Does it always work? Of course not. But I am sure you have heard of Einstein’s definition of insanity, right? It is doing the same thing, over and over again (when it is not working), and hoping for different results. Sometimes you just have to shift the paradigm.
Your husband is probably like most other guys out there. Men have their routines. So to do women, but right now we are talking about your guy. Now, perhaps your husband has been less available to you and seems distant. This is what you are trying to overcome, right! Many women, when confronted by a distant husband, end up trying harder to get their husband’s attention. They may wedge in conversations about any number of topics that unfortunately often end up making the guy pull away even more to avoid the connection.
It is a sad, but often repeated outcome in many relationships. The woman attempts to pull her husband closer through conversation and the husband pushes her away, which in turn causes the wife to try harder, resulting in the husband resisting even more. Often in all of these efforts to connect, the wife can grow frustrated, angry, and/or resentful which exasperates the whole situation. What results is a vicious communication circle.
So how do we break the spell. Well, you should consider tacking away. What do I mean by that? When a sailboat is out in the open seas sailing into the wind, to get where it needs to go, the sailboat will tack left or right, resulting in a zig and zag pattern, while never sailing directly into the wind. Sometimes, trying to shake your husband out of his world of wanting to be “alone” by taking him on “head on“, is a a big mistake.
What I think is better is to give him the space he probably wants. There is a psychological principle called psychological reactance. Essentially, when you withhold something from someone or take it away….and if it is a type of thing or experience that the person is accustom to having….something the person values but perhaps does not realize how much…..the person will desire and value it even more. People often want that which they are told they can’t have, particularly if they consider it a personal freedom that is being withheld from them.
Your husband is probably taking you for granted in many ways. On one hand, though they may be portraying a distant demeanor with you, trust me, deep down they are very connected to you. You just have to learn how to coax out that part of a man that speaks to intimacy.
Remember, you will always want to try first to discuss with your husband why they seem distant and why they don’t show as much emotional intimacy as they have in the past. You should make multiple good faith efforts to have open and honest dialogue about what is causing the problem. But if your efforts to talk about this problem falls on deaf ears or if you get the “run around“, then it may be necessary to shake things up just a bit in order to help your husband to get re-engaged. Getting him to that place can lead to a more informed discussion of why he is behaving the way he is. I can’t guarantee this tactic will work, but if you have tried hard to get to the bottom of why your husband is pulling away and he is just not opening up, then I think the marriage could use a little reboot.
So make yourself less available to your husband for a spell. For example, you could take a girlfriend and go on an unannounced over night trip. Leave your husband a note, telling him that you need some space. Just keep it short, like that.
Don’t write anything angry and don’t say or text anything angry if he reaches out to you for more details. She keep it positive and brief and tell your husband you needs some space to clear your mind. Deep down, your husband knows he has been “acting distant” and has not been supportive. You do not have to spell it out for him. Just go on your little trip and enjoy. Perhaps when you return, he will be more amenable to sharing what is going on in “his head” that causes him to withdraw and act in a way that makes you feel he is emotionally distant and not fully engaged in making the relationship work.
The tactic, while it is not a solution, hopefully will lead to a more open and honest discussion in the near future. This is just one idea. There are many other similar approaches you can employ to pull away from him. It is likely, your husband will pick up in the change in your routine and that might she open the door to a the conversation the two of you need to have to get to the bottom of what is causing your husband to act “distant” or “removed” from the relationship.