So it’s finally happened. The man who was once your husband, the guy who you believed was your savior and soul mate has bolted from your life.
The husband who you thought would happily spend the rest of his life with you. This once beloved figure in your life who has committed the sin of all sins. He has now done the worst possible thing you could imagine. He has found another woman.
To make matters worse, let’s say he has taken up with another woman shortly after ending the marriage with you. Frankly, there is not a lot out there that can make one feel worse.
More specifically, when you first discover that your husband has landed on his feet and is now shacking up with another woman, it’s like a blow to the gut, making one feel sick and disgusted.
But let’s say after all that has happened and after a good amount of time has elapsed, you decide that you are not ready to throw in the towel. Part of you may really hate your husband with a passion, not to mention that witch of a woman he has taken up with.
But you tell yourself that you have invested a great deal in this man and you are still very much in love with him and while he is with this new lady of his, you are not convinced that it is going to work out.
Welcome to the Jekyll/Hyde world of not know what to feel or how to feel about the biggest betrayal a husband could pull off.
Part of you probably still aches for him to return so the two of you can give it another try.
Then at night, the demons come out to play as all his lies fly through your mind and you become enraged again and again with the unfairness of it all.
In one moment you want him to suffer for his betrayal. Then in the next moment, you imagine what it might be like if your and your ex husband actually could repair the damage and make a start of it again.
For some women, getting their ex husband back as fast as possible can take over their thoughts.
Our minds can race away with all kinds of notions when our ex has left us. You may be convinced that this other woman pried him away from you. That your ex was largely a foolish victim. So you reason that the faster you can get him back, the less chance she has to get a grip on his heart.
But this could be a big mistake. Trying to get your ex husband back fast from the clutches of another woman may be the quickest way to push him away and strengthen their bond. Not to mention that he may not have been a foolish, hesitant participant, but rather precipitated the whole affair.
How you go about getting your ex husband back after a separation or divorce is no easy thing to pull off. It may not even be the right thing for you and your situation. No matter how certain you are that he has made a big mistake, taking a big step back may very well be in your best interests.
Certainly rushing too fast to try to lure him back could be counter productive. It can cause you to look desperate and needy, neither of which is going to make your husband more receptive to reconsider his actions.
You may have a voice in your head that says, “I know how to win back my husband’s heart. I know my husband made a huge mistake and in time, he too will discover that he still loves me and this other woman is nothing but a rebound lover.”
It is not uncommon for women to think this way (men too) when they are clutching at trying recover their husband. Here are some examples of women whose husbands had left them in the dust, yet these ladies still clung to the belief that somehow, someway, things could be made right again.
Now, I will say, in some cases, their belief was well founded. But generally I caution women about getting their hopes up too high and certainly they should never put their life on hold hoping their husband will come to his senses and return to the marriage.
OK, so here is what some wives said on this topic….
My husband just left me for another woman and I am crushed, but I still want him back. I can’t believe that he just stopped loving me for this other woman. I am not even sure he has, but it feels that way. I know her and I don’t think this thing he has with her will last.
So Chris, my husband took off. He found this old girlfriend of his and they are acting like they have always been a couple. It’s like he wiped away all memories of us. I know it’s not healthy, but I can’t help but wonder if he might just come back. I know I am looking for inspiration in places where there is none. You say that he packed up and left and that says a lot about him. But I am not ready for this to end. So just tell me this. How do I get my ex husband back. Sometimes he acts like he is really not into this girl. He and I both know she isn’t right for him. This fling he is having is some kind of mid life crisis, I think. She is really mind fricking him. I want to do the same. So how do I turn my husband away from her.
I want my ex husband back in my life but he’s with someone else. I really don’t know what to do. He says he still loves me. We did get divorced, but he acts like things really never changed. He just keeps saying it’s the paper that has changed. We still have sex and it feels right for me, so I don’t want to misstep. But I can’t share him with another woman. I know this whole relationship is screwed up.
How do I get my husband back from a woman he says he doesn’t love. I made him move out, but I now want him back and he is waffling about what to do. This is not him. I blame much of this on the other woman who lured him into an affair. I know him and he wouldn’t have been drawn away like this if she wasn’t pulling all the right strings. I know she is pressuring him to leave me for good. I want to fight back, but don’t know where to start.
When you find yourself in such a situation, it can make you feel desperate to do just about anything to recover your ex husband. But often desperate moves only lead to pushing your ex husband faster and farther away from you.
So what is one to do when there is another woman in the equation?
Should you just cool your heels and hope for the best?
Would it be best to chase all notions of reuniting with your ex husband out of your mind?
Or should you come up with some devious plan to paint this other woman for what she is, a marriage wrecker, and see where all the pieces fall?
Is Getting Your Ex Husband Back Fast The Way To Go?
When women come to me and tell me they want their ex husband back, yet in the same breath admit that he has taken up with another woman, my usual response is to try to get them to slow down.
They may feel like they are standing still as their life whirls on by, so the need to to do something…anything can be overwhelming.
Far too often people dealing with these situations can feel very confused, angry, and upset (almost all at once). A marriage breakup will certainly do that to you.
It can get in your head in all sorts of ways and if we are not careful, we can complicate things with knee jerk reactions.
So I always advise my clients to first take time to get your bearings and heal. Don’t overreact to anything. And don’t commit to immediately allowing him right back in your life.
I know that may be hard for you to hear.
It is possible that the whole breakup thing with your husband went by fast. So fast that your head may still be spinning as you try to pick up the pieces. And often, that is how it works.
When you and your ex husband finally reached the end of the road and chose to go your separate ways, the disintegration of the marriage probably happened slowly over time.
That is how it comes down for a lot of couples. But some married couples blow up over a relatively short period of time, particularly if another woman is involved.
Of course, that is what we are talking about here in this post. Somewhere along the way, another woman has entered the picture and all you can think of is your ex husband and this woman out there making a new life together, doing the same you and your ex husband use to do together.
Whether she wedged her way into your life during the time you were married or after you and your ex husband separated may not make a big difference to you at this stage.
If your mind is swimming with thoughts of how to get your ex husband back fast so the two of you can rediscover that which you once had, chances are you are in a deep pit of panic.
If this is so, then doing anything fast could be disastrous.
I realize there will be moments when you will think of nothing else. And you may still be in a state of bewilderment about how your ex husband could have done such a thing.
“No one could replace you“, you may have once thought about yourself. And when it happens, it can be a tough blow to one’s ego and sense of how things were to unfold.
So should you accept that you have been replaced by another woman?
Should you fight back? How do you do it?
Is your ex even worth it?
If not, when should you give up?
Let’s just say, it is best to put first things, first. So what might that be?
It Is About Recovery – But It’s You, Not Him You Should Be Focused On
Listen carefully to what I have to say.
You need time to heal. A lot of time needs to be devoted to You and those people (not your ex) you know without a doubt you love and love you.
I am not saying you don’t love your ex. I am just saying it’s your time to focus on You. Not him.
If things have been happening fast and furious, this is not a time to act and try to be a wrecking ball in an effort to break up the relationship between your ex husband and this other woman. All that will do is bring more pain to everyone’s life.
You don’t want to be calling or reaching out to your ex husband to advance your own personal agenda of trying to reunite. Sure, if there is some non personal matter that needs to be discussed, then certainly attend to that.
But if you are filled with obsessive thoughts about getting our ex husband back and particularly if your marriage just recently ended or broke apart, then the last thing you want to do is interact with your ex husband.
Most likely, neither of your are in the right state of mind to deal with each other’s myriad of conflicting emotions. Too often I have seen women try to woo their ex husband back into the fold, only to be terribly disappointed in his lack of interest or worse, cause the relationship to become even more bitter and divided.
Your are not in contest to win back your ex husband in record time. While every fiber of your being may be determined to strike back at this other woman and make her look as bad as possible, that is almost always a losing strategy.
Any effort to ruin the other woman’s image in the eyes of your former husband will usually result in the opposite effect. He will naturally think that you are out to hurt him through her or hurt them both, which will cause your former husband to cling tighter to the woman he has taken up with.
This is not a race, so lose this notion of trying to get your ex love back fast. When dealing with matters involving relationships, trying to accomplish something fast is often a recipe for disaster.
Your focus needs to be on YOU and getting back to some healthy routines. Your focus should be on becoming the best version of yourself. That will ultimately be the most effective way of making yourself attractive to everyone, including your ex husband.
One should also be careful about slipping into any kind of “friends with benefits” entanglements with your ex husband. Having sex with your ex husband behind the back of this other woman may make you feel like you have scored some points and are drawing him back in, but more often than not it will cause your pain to worsen and troubles to multiply.
Men often look for sex to satisfy a primal urge. Your ex husband can more easily separate his true feelings in order to gain some short-term pleasure. For you, it will likely be a different experience.
If you end up in bed with your ex, you may think your ex husband is expressing his love through the act of sex and is seriously contemplating returning to the relationship.
But often that is far from the truth. After the act of love-making is consummated, things will likely be as they were before. Indeed, your ex may very well be making love with the other woman only hours later.
Now this type of scenario is not representative all how all men might process and handle the situation, but most men in such a situation will behave similarly.
Now, if things transpire like this, does it necessarily make your ex husband an evil man and you a foolish woman?
Of course not.
What it most likely reflects is that we all can temporarily become prisoners of our immediate needs and impulses.
Maybe Your Ex Husband Is Not The Man For You
As you take time to heal, you should give serious consideration to the possibility that perhaps your ex husband is not best for you.
This desire for you to get him back, fast, is in many ways being driven by chemicals of your brain.
Like an addict, we can become reliant upon the feel good chemicals that our loving spouse helps us generate. The release of neurotransmitters in our brain (e.g. dopamine, oxtoycin, etc) makes us feel pleasure and bonded with our mate.
If that is taken away from us suddenly and replaced with stress hormones, the end result is similar to that of an addict going through a withdrawal phase. If you hunger for the company of your ex husband, no doubt, you have been temporarily taken prisoner by chemistry of your brain.
It’s not bad that you feel this way. It is just a normal way our mind and body responds to such situations.
The good news is that over time and with activity and engagement in other things and with other people, these feelings of addiction or obsession for your ex husband will subside.
It’s when you “find yourself again” that you will be able to truly determine if you even want to be back together again with the man who betrayed you.
Yes, you may be totally convinced that is what you want right now. You may feel so certain, that the question of your ex or separated husband not being back in your life is alien to you.
But you are likely to feel much different about things later. I am not saying that the door leading to your former husband coming back to you is forever closed.
No one can know such a thing.
But I am saying that there can come a time when you feel at ease with the notion that you ex husband is not the right guy for you.
Indeed, there are many other men out there who can bring happiness and joy back into your life.
That is a fact.
You may not believe it now. But if you are listening to what I am saying in this post, you may come to understand why you might be struggling with this truth.