It Kills Me To See Her With Him and Makes Me Sick

It is painful and can be shocking to realize that your husband or even your ex is or may be with another woman.  Seeing your guy with someone else hurts deeply.  The thought of your current or  even you ex husband is with someone else can literally make you sick.

One of my clients recently told me, “Chris, it kills me to see her with him.  It tears me apart and I feel helpless”.

Of course, feeling sick when you see your husband or ex acting way too friendly and intimate around another women isn’t the only reaction you will experience.

seeing your man with another girl

A wife who thinks that some other woman is making a move on her husband will likely be swept over with a wide range of emotions such as anger, bewilderment, shock, betrayal and disappointment.   I have some clients who told me that they became unglued when they spied their husband mixed up with another woman, to the point they experienced a  full-blown meltdown.  So make no mistake.  This business of seeing your husband potentially compromised can be emotionally rattling.

So what are you to do if you are in a steady relationship and you discover (or think you have uncovered) your spouse or lover hanging around some other girl?  Clearly, such a discovery can set your head a spinning.

My Man Is Playing the Field

How do you stop thinking about your ex with someone?

How would you know if there is some funny business even happening?

Can you be sure that there is not some innocent explanation for why they are together?

Could you be wrong about those interactions that look a bit too intimate?

Just seeing your husband with someone else can have a chilling effect on how you think about yourself, your marriage…..just about everything going on in your life at that time.

So figuring out how you should feel about it and what you should do is important.

Your sure don’t want your husband getting into something he will later regret.

Nor do you want to mis-shoot and overreact.

And what if we are talking about your ex husband?

If it turns out that your ex husband has taken up with another women, how should you deal with seeing them with someone else?

On one level, you think it shouldn’t bother you.  Both you and your ex have your own life now and are both free to do what you wish.  But letting go of the past is a lot easier said than done.

Sometimes our past experiences with our lovers just won’t let go of us.

Leave My Husband Alone!

leave my marriage alone

I know it is easy for one’s mind to race away.

Your first racing thought could be that your husband (or ex) has fallen in love with someone else.  It is often absurd to think this way (in most cases), but such thoughts can take on their own life.

Just seeing or recounting images of your husband being a little too attentive to another woman can set you off.  Now, I don’t want you being too hard on yourself. If such thoughts do run through your mind, don’t think of yourself as some kind of crazy woman.

Seeing the person you love with someone else can reach down deep into you and strike many emotional chords.  I certainly could not imagine my wife with someone else.   Even if it is your ex who is with someone else, you should expect to experience a lot of twisted up feelings.

It Hurts So Much

Just because we are no longer dating or are married to an individual, doesn’t mean all those intimate feelings and experiences we once enjoyed with them have wasted away in our memory love bank.

Intellectually we can try to reason with ourselves, but intimate connections with another human simply does not just slide right out of our lives.

Let’s hear from some women on this topic to examine their experiences and what they felt when they either saw or caught wind of their husband or ex cozying up to another woman.

It really jarred me when I spotted him in a restaurant with this woman.  It kills me even now when I think about seeing her with my husband.  They were seated close together and it just didn’t look right.  Should I confront my husband about what was going or am I just being paranoid?

I saw my ex at the movies with this other girl and  my heart skipped a beat.  I can’t help it but when I think of my ex with this other woman, it makes me  feel sick with jealousy.  Then I get mad.  So seeing my ex husband with someone else really kills me.  I know you did a post on how to cope with your ex dating others, but the sight of him with this woman just ties me up in knots.  It takes me days to get over it.

I am sure my ex husband is sleeping with someone else already.  Perhaps it is no longer my business, but I still have feelings and when I think about him and her, I cringe.  Frankly, I am not sure how to stop thinking about my ex sleeping around.  I am not doing it.  I should.  Part of it I think is my lack of trust in men .  I think another part of me is hoping for a chance for us to get back together.   I am sickened by the thought of him having sex.  I know you will tell me I need to change my focus and stop making my ex husband’s behavior top of mind.   

Look Chris, I am through with my husband. We are separated and agreed to date others.  But I am afraid he won’t let me go.  My ex is seeing someone else but contacts me and wants to tell me about it.  What is with that?  Is he trying to hurt me all over again.  I tell him to stop, that I don’t want to hear it.  Then he goes into this explanation about how it’s not working out and so on.  Is this his way of trying to pry himself back into my life?  He confuses me.

Obviously, some of the comments above dealt with women and their exes.

It can be difficult to separate all of the cascading emotions running through your mind when you spot your ex husband or boyfriend with another lady.   You work so hard to kill off those lingering uncertainties you had about whether the marriage could be saved.  Just when you think you have wrestled back control of your thoughts, they can easily go flying again in all directions once you see another woman at his side.

Look,  I realize it is easy for me to say that you should just keep going on with your life and not focus on such things.

feeling the raw emotions of betrayal

And I know it is easy for me to say that your ex husband is entitled to see and date whoever he wishes, just like you are too.  But saying something you should know and agreeing with it is altogether a different thing than the actual feelings bubbling up inside you.

My experience is that even after months or years have gone by, the emotions around this topic will always be raw.

That is the emotional battle all women and men have when they see their former spouse in the company of the opposite sex.  Trying to reconcile what is going on in your heart versus your head is no easy task.

I assure you, these conflicted feelings will subside with time, particularly after you have found another person in your life you feel close and intimate with.  It is as if the passionate and intense feelings you use to have for your ex husband transfers to the new person in your life and carries more weight in your heart and your mind’s eye.  Perhaps not all of it, but most of it.  Enough of it to significantly reduce the painful recurrence of these old, raw feelings.

But imagine what it must feel like if your current husband appears to be courting another women in some fashion.  I would not be surprised to hear that it kills you to think that your spouse could be in the process of  being compromised.  So in the context of this post, it is natural to feel sickened by any notion that your husband has made himself available.

But what we think might be happening and what is actually happening are not always the same thing.

And when you are right, what do you do?

In other words,  if your suspicions align with the underlying reality of what your husband is up to, just how do you proceed?

How should you process your feelings to avoid going crazy if your suspicions are warranted?

What You Should Do When You Feel Upset, Confused or Vulnerable

feeling vulnerable after ex seen dating

First of all, don’t let anyone tell you that what you are feeling is wrong or is way off base.

They may not have sufficient information to really know the truth.  Until the facts can be examined, neither you or most others can be certain of what might be really going on.

Your feelings emerge from a place of honesty.  Now that doesn’t mean that you are right to feel this way (i.e. turned inside out with jealous rage).  It is possible you have grossly misread the situation.  It is possible you are overreacting to something you observed.

Fear can seize control and grip you and cause you to think all kinds of things.  Sometimes it doesn’t take much for fear to take control of your emotional well being and hijack your thoughts, constructing an elaborate scenario that is largely untrue.

But denying yourself of having these feelings and sweeping it all under the carpet is akin to self-delusion.

It is better to accept whatever natural feelings emerge.  It is part of the cathartic emotional experience we sometimes need to undergo in order to purge the unhealthy thoughts.  It can make it easier, later, to realize  how your feelings and the real facts can be two different things.  It may take you some time and effort, but ultimately, you benefit more if you put a bridle over your emotions until the truth has had a chance to emerge.

That is not easy to do, I realize.

For example, your eyes and your heart are seeing and telling you that your husband is cozying up way too close with another woman or she is hitting on your man and he is soaking it all up.

If you are like most people, your emotions are going to run away from you.  That’s why so many people tell me it kills them to see their husband associating or mingling with another woman.  Even the most subtle of gestures or expressions can set one-off.

You may feel pressed to confront your husband on the spot or do something immediately to break up what looks like a blossoming connection moment.

But blowing up the little encounter you are observing could speak more to your insecurities.

And even if it turns out that you are right on some level and the misplaced trust you had in your husband is now blowing up in your face, it is still best to keep your calm.

There will be a time to digest it all and then discuss it with your husband.  Rushing to judgement or punishment is always a slippery slope.

To that extent, if you are able to better control unwanted emotional outbursts, which often can make things worse, reasonable solutions become more readily available.

So there is nothing wrong with having genuine feelings bubble up when you see your husband striking up what appears too close of a relationship with another woman.

Don’t try to hold it all in.

If you try to contain it within you, then it will lead to you feeling sick about it all.

Find a constructive way of releasing your emotions.

Then once you get past this stage, then you should move into what  I think of as the troubleshooting phase.

What You Can Do If Your Husband or Ex Seems Mixed Up With Another Woman

husband quietly sneaking around

So what do you do about it all?

Let’s say that the man you are married to is being overly flirtatious with some other woman.  The two of them seem to be really connecting and enjoying each other’s company.

My advice is to let it play out.

Then later when your and your husband are alone, open up to your husband and tell him what you saw and how it made you feel.  Ask him to explain his behavior.  Remain calm.  Use a calm tone of voice. Don’t accuse him of cheating on you or being flirtatious or anything else.

By making an accusation or portraying your husband in an unflattering way, you lose the moral high ground.

What you are doing is simply sharing what you saw and specifically how it made you feel.

That is really important.  Your husband should have a keen sense of how you were upset by what you saw or heard.  He should understand the emotional and physical impact it had on you. (i.e.  that this literally made you feel sick).

It is better with these kind of communications to steer away from any name calling or accusations.  It is also better to avoid any hysterics or anger or any language that is tinged with resentment and distrust.

Now, your husband may get defense and even interrupt you explaining that what you think you saw was not the underlying reality of what was really going on.

After he has said his piece, simply return to your theme of describing what you felt inside when you observed him with this other woman.  You feelings are real and he may try to dismiss them, but how you felt is something he cannot escape.

He can argue all he wants about how you are jumping to conclusions and entirely misread what was really going on between him and the other woman.

But I don’t want you to get lost in arguing all the finer points.  Don’t get dragged into a debate.  That shifts the attention to the wrong thing (i.e. arguing over semantics).

Keep the focus on describing how it made you feel.  Most men, at some point, will acknowledge and understand its impact on you.  Empathy is what you are looking for.  If your husband is incapable of showing empathy after you calmly express your feelings about the matter, then you and your husband have an uphill battle and probably even more serious marital problems to discuss.

Then close the discussion with what, if anything, should change going forward.

Perhaps you are satisfied with his explanation and are also pleased that he realizes how his behavior can have consequences.  Having discussed this matter openly can have the effect of neutralizing its occurrence in the future.

It is possible your husband was being a flirty boy.

He may have actively engaged in this encounter with another woman in search of an emotional, even possibly a sexual connection.

So it’s possible you have every right to feel sickened by your husband’s behavior.  And if this is the case, then while it is a good thing for him to see how his actions have made you feel sick, that is not enough.

It is necessary your husband agrees that he will no longer partake in any such intimate rendezvous with women because for all practical purposes such encounters are akin to emotional cheating.

He may deny everything and accuse you of overreacting and making something of nothing.

There is little to be gained in debating the details.  It usually serves to aggravate the situation.

It is better to simply and calmly put him on notice and remind your husband you have zero tolerance for any subtle overtures or intimate greetings and encounters with other women anywhere at anytime.

Sometimes a husband in order to save face will continue to insist that the whole issue you are concerned about is non-existent.  If that makes him feel better to say such a thing, fine.  Sometimes people live in denial.  Or they can’t bring themselves to admit to the truth.

While such an outcome is far from ideal, there comes a point where it does you no good to argue and press you case.

You can’t put words in your husband’s mouth.

But you can influence his thoughts and if he understands how his actions made you feel and when he hears you express you lack of tolerance for casual flirtations, it is likely you are influencing  how he is internally processing this whole matter.

So what if your husband or boyfriend does it again?  What if he repeatedly finds ways to hang around other women, pushing the needle of what is acceptable?

What do you do if your husband or boyfriend is a player and shamelessly chases other women?

Well, my friends, that is the topic for another post in the future.

But to give you a peek under the tent, if you do adopt a zero tolerance policy for such behavior, you best be ready to back it up.  And that means taking an action that might just shock your husband back into reality and remind him what he could be losing.

Getting Your Ex Husband Back Fast From The Other Woman

So it’s finally happened.  The man who was once your husband, the guy who you believed was your savior and soul mate has bolted from your life.

The husband who you thought would happily spend the rest of his life with you.  This once beloved figure in your life who has committed the sin of all sins.  He has now done the worst possible thing you could imagine. He has found another woman.

To make matters worse, let’s say he has taken up with another woman shortly after ending the marriage with you.  Frankly,  there is not a lot out there that can make one feel worse.

More specifically, when you first discover that your husband has landed on his feet and is now shacking up with another woman, it’s like a blow to the gut, making one feel sick and disgusted.

your ex husband leaves you in the dust

But let’s say after all that has happened and after a good amount of time has elapsed, you decide that you are not ready to throw in the towel.  Part of you may really hate your husband with a passion, not to mention that witch of a woman he has taken up with.

But you tell yourself that you have invested a great deal in this man and you are still very much in love with him and while he is with this new lady of his, you are not convinced that it is going to work out.

Welcome to the Jekyll/Hyde world of not know what to feel or how to feel about the biggest betrayal a husband could pull off.

Part of you probably still aches for him to return so the two of you can give it another try.

How To Put Your Marriage Back Together Again

Then at night, the demons come out to play as all his lies fly through your mind and you become enraged again and again with the unfairness of it all.

In one moment you want him to suffer for his betrayal.  Then in the next moment, you imagine what it might be like if your and your ex husband actually could repair the damage and make a start of it again.

For some women, getting their ex husband back as fast as possible can take over their thoughts.

Our minds can race away with all kinds of notions when our ex has left us.   You may be convinced that this other woman pried him away from you. That your ex was largely a foolish victim.  So you reason that the faster you can get him back, the less chance she has to get a grip on his heart.

But this could be a big mistake.  Trying to get your ex husband back fast from the clutches of another woman may be the quickest way to push him away and strengthen their bond.  Not to mention that he may not have been a foolish, hesitant participant, but rather precipitated the whole affair.

take a step back from your marriage

How you go about getting your ex husband back after a separation or divorce is no easy thing to pull off.  It may not even be the right thing for you and your situation.  No matter how certain you are that he has made a big mistake, taking a big step back may very well be in your best interests.

Certainly rushing too fast to try to lure him back could be counter productive.  It can cause you to look desperate and needy, neither of which is going to make your husband more receptive to reconsider his actions.

You may have a voice in your head that says, “I know how to win back my husband’s heart.  I know my husband made a huge mistake and in time, he too will discover that he still loves me and this other woman is nothing but a rebound lover.”

It is not uncommon for women to think this way (men too) when they are clutching at trying recover their husband.  Here are some examples of women whose husbands had left them in the dust, yet these ladies still clung to the belief that somehow, someway, things could be made right again.

Now, I will say, in some cases, their belief was well founded.  But generally I caution women about getting their hopes up too high and certainly they should never put their life on hold hoping their husband will come to his senses and return to the marriage.

OK, so here is what some wives said on this topic….

My husband just left me for another woman and I am crushed, but I still want him back.  I can’t believe that he just stopped loving me for this other woman.  I am not even sure he has, but it feels that way.  I know her and I don’t think this thing he has with her will last.

So Chris, my husband took off.  He found this old girlfriend of his and they are acting like they have always been a couple.  It’s like he wiped away all memories of us.  I know it’s not healthy, but I can’t help but wonder if he might just come back.  I know I am looking for inspiration in places where there is none. You say that he packed up and left and that says a lot about him.  But I am not ready for this to end. So just tell me this.  How do I get my ex husband back.  Sometimes he acts  like he is really not into this girl.  He and I both know she isn’t right for him.  This fling he is having is some kind of mid life crisis,  I think.   She is really mind fricking him.  I want to do the same.  So how do I turn my husband away from her.

I want my ex husband back in my life but he’s with someone else.  I really don’t know what to do.  He says he still loves me.  We did get divorced, but he acts like things really never changed.  He just keeps saying it’s the paper that has changed.  We still have sex and it feels right for me, so I don’t want to misstep.  But I can’t share him with another woman. I know this whole relationship is screwed up.   

How do I get my husband back from a woman he says he doesn’t love.  I made him move out, but I now want him back and he is waffling about what to do.  This is not him. I blame much of this on the other woman who lured him into an affair.  I know him and he wouldn’t have been drawn away like this if she wasn’t pulling all the right strings.  I know she is pressuring him to leave me for good.  I want to fight back, but don’t know where to start.

When you find yourself in such a situation, it can make you feel desperate to do just about anything to recover your ex husband.  But often desperate moves only lead to pushing your ex husband faster and farther away from you.

So what is one to do when there is another woman in the equation?

Should you just cool your heels and hope for the best?

Would it be best to chase all notions of reuniting with your ex husband out of your mind?

Or should you come up with some devious plan to paint this other woman for what she is, a marriage wrecker, and see where all the pieces fall?

How To Get Your Husband To Notice You Right Now

Is Getting Your Ex Husband Back Fast The Way To Go?

getting your man back fast

When women come to me and tell me they want their ex husband back, yet in the same breath admit that he has taken up with another woman, my usual response is to try to get them to slow down.

They may feel like they are standing still as their life whirls on by, so the need to to do something…anything can be overwhelming.

Far too often people dealing with these situations can feel very confused, angry, and upset (almost all at once).  A marriage breakup will certainly do that to you.

It can get in your head in all sorts of ways and if we are not careful, we can complicate things with knee jerk reactions.

So I always advise my clients to first take time to get your bearings and heal.  Don’t overreact to anything.  And don’t commit to immediately allowing him right back in your life.

My Husband Walked Out: Will He Ever Come Back To Me

I know that may be hard for you to hear.

It is possible that the whole breakup thing with your husband went by fast.  So fast that your head may still be spinning as you try to pick up the pieces.  And often, that is how it works.

When you and your ex husband finally reached the end of the road and chose to go your separate ways, the disintegration of the marriage probably happened slowly over time.

That is how it comes down for a lot of couples.  But some married couples blow up over a relatively short period of time, particularly if another woman is involved.

Of course, that is what we are talking about here in this post.  Somewhere along the way, another woman has entered the picture and all you can think of is your ex husband and this woman out there making a new life together, doing the same you and your ex husband use to do together.

Whether she wedged her way into your life during the time you were married or after you and your ex husband separated may not make a big difference to you at this stage.

If your mind is swimming with thoughts of how to get your ex husband back fast so the two of you can rediscover that which you once had, chances are you are in a deep pit of panic.

If this is so, then doing anything fast could be disastrous.

I realize there will be moments when you will think of nothing else.  And you may still be in a state of bewilderment about how your ex husband could have done such a thing.

No one could replace you“, you may have once thought about yourself.  And when it happens, it can be a tough blow to one’s ego and sense of how things were to unfold.

So should you accept that you have been replaced by another woman?

Should you fight back?  How do you do it?

Is your ex even worth it?

If not, when should you give up?

Let’s just say, it is best to put first things, first.  So what might that be?

It Is About Recovery – But It’s You, Not Him You Should Be Focused On

focusing on your needs as a woman

Listen carefully to what I have to say.

You need time to heal. A lot of time needs to be devoted to You and those people (not your ex) you know without a doubt you love and love you.

I am not saying you don’t love your ex.  I am just saying it’s your time to focus on You.  Not him.

If things have been happening fast and furious, this is not a time to act and try to be a wrecking ball in an effort to break up the relationship between your ex husband and this other woman.  All that will do is bring more pain to everyone’s life.

You don’t want to be calling or reaching out to your ex husband to advance your own personal agenda of trying to reunite.  Sure, if there is some non personal matter that needs to be discussed, then certainly attend to that.

But if you are filled with obsessive thoughts about getting our ex husband back and particularly if your marriage just recently ended or broke apart, then the last thing you want to do is interact with your ex husband.

Most likely, neither of your are in the right state of mind to deal with each other’s myriad of conflicting emotions.  Too often I have seen women try to woo their ex husband back into the fold, only to be terribly disappointed in his lack of interest or worse, cause the relationship to become even more bitter and divided.

Your are not in contest to win back your ex husband in record time.  While every fiber of your being may be determined to strike back at this other woman and make her look as bad as possible, that is almost always a losing strategy.

Any effort to ruin the other woman’s image in the eyes of your former husband will usually result in the opposite effect.  He will naturally think that you are out to hurt him through her or hurt them both, which will cause your former husband to cling tighter to the woman he has taken up with.

This is not a race, so lose this notion of trying to get your ex love back fast.  When dealing with matters involving relationships, trying to accomplish something fast is often a recipe for disaster.

Getting Ex Lover Back Fast

Your focus needs to be on YOU and getting back to some healthy routines.  Your focus should be on becoming the best version of yourself.  That will ultimately be the most effective way of making yourself attractive to everyone, including your ex husband.

One should also be careful about slipping into any kind of “friends with benefits” entanglements with your ex husband.  Having sex with your ex husband behind the back of this other woman may make you feel like you have scored some points and are drawing him back in, but more often than not it will cause your pain to worsen and troubles to multiply.

Men often look for sex to satisfy a primal urge.  Your ex husband can more easily separate his true feelings in order to gain some short-term pleasure.  For you, it will likely be a different experience.

If you end up in bed with your ex, you may think your ex husband is expressing his love through the act of sex and is seriously contemplating returning to the relationship.

But often that is far from the truth.  After the act of love-making is consummated,  things will likely be as they were before.  Indeed, your ex may very well be making love with the other woman only hours later.

Now this type of scenario is not representative all how all men might process and handle the situation, but most men in such a situation will behave similarly.

Now, if things transpire like this, does it necessarily make your ex husband an evil man and you a foolish woman?

Of course not.

What it most likely reflects is that we all can temporarily become prisoners of our immediate needs and impulses.

Maybe Your Ex Husband Is Not The Man For You

ex not the right man for you

As you take time to heal, you should give serious consideration to the possibility that perhaps your ex husband is not best for you.

This desire for you to get him back, fast, is in many ways being driven by chemicals of your brain.

Like an addict, we can become reliant upon the feel good chemicals that our loving spouse helps us generate.  The release of neurotransmitters in our brain (e.g. dopamine, oxtoycin, etc) makes us feel pleasure and  bonded with our mate.

If that is taken away from us suddenly and replaced with stress hormones, the end result is similar to that of an addict going through a withdrawal phase.  If you hunger for the company of your ex husband, no doubt, you have been temporarily taken prisoner by chemistry of your brain.

It’s not bad that you feel this way.  It is just a normal way our mind and body responds to such situations.

The good news is that over time and with activity and engagement in other things and with other people, these feelings of addiction or obsession for your ex husband will subside.

Why is Breaking Up So Hard and Painful

It’s when you “find yourself again” that you will be able to truly determine if you even want to be back together again with the man who betrayed you.

Yes, you may be totally convinced that is what you want right now.  You may feel so certain, that the question of your ex or separated husband not being back in your life is alien to you.

But you are likely to feel much different about things later.  I am not saying that the door leading to your former husband coming back to you is forever closed.

No one can know such a thing.

But I am saying that there can come a time when you feel at ease with the notion that you ex husband is not the right guy for you.

Indeed, there are many other men out there who can bring happiness and joy back into your life.

That is a fact.

You may not believe it now.  But if you are listening to what I am saying in this post, you may come to understand why you might be struggling with this truth.

 

I Get Mad At My Husband Who Won’t Spend Time With Me

Do you ever get the feeling that your husband is avoiding you?

Does he duck into the living room when you come into the kitchen?  Is he acting like he really does not want to get cornered by you for fear that you will be making some kind of demand on him?

I bet if your husband is treating you this way,  you feel slighted and are somewhat angry that you are getting shortchanged.  After all, a couple ceases to be a real couple when they rarely find time to be together to talk and enjoy each other’s company.

This problem of a wife fighting to get her absentee husband to spend more time with her is not unique.

making time for wife is critical

But what is driving your husband to pull away like this?

Are you married to a guy who acts like he would rather be somewhere else rather than with you, by your side and in your company?

Let’s say you take him up into your arms to show some loving affection and he pulls away.  Perhaps it is not obvious. But you notice he just doesn’t want to display much affection and when you initiate it, it feels like he is rejecting you.

Perhaps it is all very subtle.  Perhaps you are thinking it is just all in your mind.

Maybe it is.

Then again a wife can usually tell when something is up with their husband

When he pulls away from you, does this cause you to get confused or resentful with your husband’s actions?  Is something going on with him emotionally?

Or let’s say you start up a conversation and instead of listening carefully and participating, he mumbles something and wanders off.  Does this make you feel underappreciated because he is simply not engaged?

Do you become frustrated with your husband’s lack of commitment?  Do you feel your emotional needs are being ignored as he seems incapable of even trying to get involved in your life, despite your many efforts?

To that point, I wrote a post that focuses on emotional needs which you can read about here….

My Husband Does Not Satisfy My Emotional Needs

Being married to a guy who doesn’t seem to want anything to do with you can make you feel a lot of different things.

It can be a little frightening when you start to seriously wonder if your husband still loves you or thinks of you in the same way.  Why else would he be ignoring you, you might think.

It can be quite unfulfilling when your husband is not there for you to share in your success or provide you a much needed shoulder to cry on.

is your husband hiding something

What is it that causes some men to shy away from the woman who loves him most?

Why do some husband too often avoid intimate conversations or even casual conversations with their wife?

Is he hiding something?

Why Does My Husband Treat Me So Badly

Is the husband disinterested in his wife and this is his way of telling her that he doesn’t want to be around her….that he doesn’t feel the same way about her?

Is he going through some kind of emotional thing and just needs time to work it out?

Let’s hear from some of my clients about what happened to them.

Look Chris, I really have had enough.  My husband never makes time for me and  when we are together it’s usually only after I begged him to do something with me.  It shouldn’t be this way. What is going on inside him.  He won’t open up. I can’t figure out why he withdraws into his own world so much.

You talk about how spending alone time together as a couple is supposed to cement the marriage. I have news for you.  My husband seldom wants to do anything with me and when I complain he just ignores me even more. I can understand my husband not wanting to spend time with my family, but I feel like the woman he  cast aside. It’s like I am not worthy of him. My self-worth is down in the dumps.  When you feel less important to the man you love, it just gnaws on you. Any suggestions?

What are you to do when your husband would rather be with his friends? How are you suppose to cope when your husband doesn’t respect you and just goes about his day with little concern about what is going on your life.  That is where we stand right now. I am like his forgotten wife.  We argue about this and he says I am too needy and want everything my way.  Am I asking too much to just want to do something special with him?  He keeps saying nothing is wrong and he loves me, but I am not feeling it.

My marriage is a mess.  My husband doesn’t want to be around me and acts like nothing is wrong. I know things are off.  It feels helpless. Lately he has gone to sleeping in our guest bedroom, saying that he doesn’t want his snoring to bother me. I made the mistake of complaining about it and now I think he is using it as an excuse to free himself up from me. What can I do?  Is it in my head? I know I am thinking too much about it now, but I feel him slipping away.

There is no joy in these women’s hearts.  When you feel your husband is moving away from you emotionally and seems in denial, it can make fixing the problem challenging.   When you find yourself constantly wondering about what to do and why your husband ignores you all the time, things are clearly not right at the old homestead.

The most frightening thing for most of these women is the thought that their husband may not love them anymore.

Let me just say, that is a big leap.  So try to avoid going there.

How would you even know for sure about such a thing?   It is unthinkable to even consider if your husband has stopped loving you.  You can literally tie yourself up in emotional knots obsessing over such a thing.

Has My Husband Stopped Loving Me

Is such a thing even possible?  Can your husband’s love for you just evaporate?

And is this how it happens?

He just slowly pulls away, largely ignoring your very presence?

Honesty, “love lost” is rarely the cause of what we are talking about here in this post.

Love just doesn’t jump up and run out of your hearts.  But there are several things that could be going on.

The Top 10 Reasons For Why Your Husband Doesn’t Want To Be Around You Anymore

why he pushes you away

1.  It is possible one of the reasons your husband has been shying away from you is his sexual appetite has diminished.  Sex is an important cog in relationships. Your husband’s sexuality influences to some degree how and where he spends time with you, his wife.  If your husband no longer is aroused or excited to be with you, then quality, intimate time will suffer.

2. Some husbands get attached to watching porn, sometimes to a point of obsession.  They can get drawn into this kind of medium for any number of reasons.  The net result is they can satisfy some of their desire for sexual expression and be less inclined to spend intimate, alone time with you.

3. The lack of attention you are receiving from your husband could possible be due to his attraction to someone else.  It is possible your husband could be having a physical, sexual affair with another woman or possibly an emotional.  The outcome is a husband who is detached and less interested in being around his wife.

4. Sometimes the guy you are married to changes in some ways.  It usually doesn’t happen overnight, but over time, the strength of the emotional connection you had with your husband can diminish.  There are a lot of factors that can come into play over the lifetime of a marriage.  The evolution of a relationship will take different paths.  Some of those paths can lead to the husband and wife drifting apart due to their failure to explore new experiences and re-invent their marriage.

5. Sometimes it can feel you are all along in your marriage.  Your husband is most likely like a lot of guys who turn outward to fulfill his interests and needs .  He may be attracted  to other competing interests and hobbies and as a result he can get sucked into these time-consuming activities.  As his wife, you may end up feeling like you are competing with his interests in sports or perhaps some intellectual endeavor.  The bottom line is you end up seeing less of your husband as he is chasing after other things.

6. It is entirely possible that as the marriage rocks along, slowly but surely your husband will be swayed by what he thinks are more important priorities in his life and where this happens most is in the workplace.  As a result of this attitude, your husband starts spending more time at work and you start wondering whether if he is really bound by work responsibilities or just trying to find a way to get way from you.  Most of the time, it is the work that has drawn him in, leaving less precious time to spend with you.  In a way, his work can become his temporary mistress. But occasionally, when a guy just won’t leave the office and continues to insist that work is just piling up, it could suggest that he has shifted priorities.  Instead of “YOU” being the center of his life and all things important, his workplace and all the challenges and fulfillment it may bring to him, has become the place where he would rather spend his time.

7. Another thing that can affect the quality time the two of you spend together is your husband’s reaction to stress.  Sometimes when a guy is experiencing some kind of stress, he will hole up in his man cave.  He may not want to be bothered and the more you pressure him to change his behavior, the greater his desire will be to pull away from your clutches.  Bother him too much, he will grow to resent you or be annoyed.  I think most men are designed to retreat into themselves and don’t want to be bothered until they can work it out in their mind.  Instead of talking about the matter, which comes natural to you, his wife, he would rather be alone.  It can be confusing to you, with your female perspective and his behavior may be totally illogical, but it may be what is best for him at the time.

8. Boredom can strike at any marriage and cause a couple to  slowly drift away from each other.  Marriages take work to keep them fresh and renewed.  As time rolls by, certain habits and routines can become the standard ways in which the two of you interact.  And before you even realize, the two of you are off into your own worlds, doing things apart from each other to stimulate your self interests.

9. When you and your husband begin a family it is natural that there will be a sacrifice in the amount of quality alone time you spend together.  Your children, particularly when they are small, will  compete for a big chunk of your time.  It can be exhausting to juggle all the balls of marriage.  Given there are only so many hours in the day, you and your husband may be simply making pragmatic choices about what to do. Of course, that doesn’t change the fact that it feels like your “alone time” is being  short changed.

10.  Sometimes your husband simply won’t do things with you due to health or fatigue reasons.   It is possible that with growing demands at work and responsibilities at home, he can become  emotionally exhausted or even depressed, leaving little time for you.   Or it could be possible your husband finds himself chronically ill, pulled down physically.   As a result, the thought of making time for you is the last thing on his mind.

What Can You Do To Encourage Your Husband To Spend More Time With You

opening up a conversation with your husband

The first thing you should do is not jump to any conclusions that your husband doesn’t love you.

Seldom is that the problem.

As you can see from the reasons listed above, your husband’s lack of love for you is seldom the underlying cause for why the two of you are spending less time together.

So what can you do to battle the common problem of husband and wife drifting away from each other, spending less time together doing things that are fun and memorable?

Well, if that is the underlying cause of why your husband is not spending time around you, that is one of the easiest of fixes.

How Do I Make My Ex Husband Miss Me and Think About Me Constantly

As I mentioned, it is a problem that affects all relationships.  It is easy for your husband to get set in his ways or distracted by other matters, or bogged down in his work.  It happens everyday to couples everywhere.

One of the most effective ways to combat this problem is for both of you to agree on the problem, recognizing  that an unhealthy routine that has gotten traction in your marriage.

I have nothing against routines, so long as they produce positive outcomes.  But sometimes as life passes by, you or your husband can get caught up in doing things at the expense of the relationship which results in the marriage taking it on the chin.

The way out of this problem is to recognize what is happening, call it out, and doing something about it.  Until you sit down with your husband and have a serious discussion about what his transpiring and how it’s negatively affecting you on a personal level, not much will change.

Most problems do not just spontaneously get better or fix themselves.  In many of these cases, your husband may not even realize that he is pulling away from you and that you feel less important.  So openly discussing this and talking about how it makes you feel, then coming up with a joint plan to change the underlying behavior is the way to making things better between the two of you.

Now sometimes, you and your husband won’t be able to solve the problem by yourselves.  You may bring up your concerns and he may say all the right things, but not much changes.

He may mean well, but the resolve and commitment to really make some lasting changes is not there.  So sometimes it is helpful to get outside help.  Simply having a few sessions with a marriage couples counselor can help underscore the importance of proactively addressing this problem.

If such a trend is left unaddressed, it usually spells more problems with the marriage.  Sometimes, just the mention that you want your husband to go with you to see a couples counselor will cause your husband to wake up and realize he really needs to fix the problem and that avoidance or denial is not the answer.

If you think that your husband’s sexual interest in you has diminished and are concerned about what might be driving that behavior, then it might be time to shake up your sex life.

How we respond to each other sexually plays a role in the quality of our relationship.  While sex may not be the center of all things that makes the relationship shine, its importance should not be underestimated.

With an increase in quality sex, a couple experiences many benefits.  When you make love with your husband certain hormones (e.g. oxytocin, dopamine, etc) are released that causes the two of you to be happier, healthier, and drawn to each other.

There are numerous things you and your husband can do together sexually that is different and unique.  There is a lot of material out there that you can tap into.  Remember, men are visually oriented so it could be simply wearing something different or surprising him with something that is slightly out of character.

But increased sex or better sex with your husband does not necessarily resolve by itself issues around lack of quality time together.  Sometimes the problem goes a lot deeper and you need to get out of the box in implementing a solution.  It all starts with understanding the cause of the problem.  Without understanding the factors that are contributing to your husband’s desire to cut you out of his life,  you could be spinning your wheels.

So it could be time for an intervention.  If this problem with your husband is serious enough and you have tried most if not all the conventional ways of trying to  get underneath what is causing your husband to behave differently, yet he is in a denial phase, then you might need to do something that he cannot ignore.

Does Your Husband Have a Secret Girlfriend on the Side?

I once spoke with a woman whose husband was saying all the right things, but nothing was changing.  She felt like he had little time for her and had  organized his days which left her on the outside looking in.   She explained that it was like living with a roommate who had little vested interest in you.

So what did she end up doing to get her point across?

Well, it was creative and struck the mark.  First, she made a big sign and hung it up over their bed.  It said, “Husband Looking For Room Mate Who Is Satisfied To Spend Little Time Together.”  It was meant to be a sarcastic shot across his bow.

Then she really drilled home her point by leaving her husband a brief note telling him she was staying at a nearby hotel until he either found a new roommate or was prepared to change his ways and act like a “real husband”.  It was daring and a little risky.  But knowing her husband, she was confident that he would handle it well.  She also believed this approach would amplify her concerns and convey to him the urgency in which he needed to act.

It worked for her.  It busted up the negative time management routines that had developed in their marriage and opened a door for some real dialogue and solutions.

My Husband Does Not Satisfy My Emotional Needs

What can you do if you are married to a man who does not satisfy your emotional needs?

I am sure when you got married you and your husband were pretty happy about things.

Let’s look back at that time.

That buzz right after the magical wedding ceremony was dancing through you mind.  If you were to try to gauge where you stood with regard to your emotional needs being met, your response would likely be very positive at that time.  That is usually the case with young brides.

wonderful wedding memories when needs were met

Your emotional well-being, immediately following the wedding,  probably seemed like it was floating in a sea of splendor.  Your hopes were high and you could hardly find a lot wrong with the amazing guy you planned to spend your lifetime with.

So now dial the clock forward by a few years.  Where should you be now, emotionally?

Even a well-adjusted and happy couple certainly won’t be floating in the clouds any longer. They would have their share of marital ups and downs.  But if I was to ask them how they are doing, I would expect there would be very little to gripe about in regard to emotional or intimacy needs not being met.

This is the way a relationship or a marriage usually plays out.  Both parties should be devoted to the other, frequently offering gestures of love and kindness.

But this is not always the picture in some marriages.

Why Does My Husband Treat Me So Badly

Too often, wives are spending far too much time worrying and wondering if they have made a terrible mistake marrying a guy who seems incapable of understanding what they need or even trying to learn how to please them.

So what is one to do if your husband is doing a horrible job of meeting your emotional needs in the relationship?

If your man is treating you badly, ignoring the important things that mean a lot to you, consider reading the rest of this post and the one below I just wrote….

What are you do to if your husband ignores your complaints about him falling way short of satisfying?

Where do you turn if your husband just doesn’t seem to get the fact that meeting your emotional intimacy needs is not an optional matter, but critical to making a marriage work?

These are all reasonable questions.

Meeting emotional needs of my lady

Let’s  take a dip into some of my readers questions.  It is valuable to know what others are experiencing and explore what they have to say about their own situation.  Not because misery loves company, but sometimes you can see the way to your own solution.

“What if its your boyfriend who doesn’t meet your needs“, one of my clients asked me?  “We are not engaged or anything like that, but I am tired of him just taking me for granted. He doesn’t even want to talk about it.  He says I am too demanding, but I think I am just asking for what any other girl would want out their man.

Chris, I feel trapped with nowhere to go.  I thought I found somebody I could live with my whole life.  No true.  It’s like my husband went back to being the slob that I was afraid he might become.  Part of me knew he was just putting on his best face to get regular sex.  Looking back now, I realize we really just back pedaled into the marriage.  I have been in denial for a long time but now I am sure he really had no interest in being a committed husband, sensitive to supporting me and offering to be there for me.

Another client told me, “He has no clue.  The man I married essentially has little finesse.  He can be coarse and belligerent when things don’t go his way.  If I ask for something, it is ignored or I am made to feel guilty for even thinking in a certain way. This is no gentleness.  No sweet expressions of love.  My husband does not know the meaning a selfless act.  I see now that I need so much more than he is capable of giving me.  If one was to come up with a list of the 5 basic needs of a woman, he would be batting zero.   Not getting my emotional needs met is fast becoming the least of my problems.”

“Chris, my partner does not satisfy me sexually.  Everything else is OK, but I really think this part of our marriage is on a standstill and I don’t know what to do to get past his hangups. I hate to say it.  I hope this doesn’t sound petty, but we are really struggling with physical intimacy. I knew this could be a problem, but that is long story.  I though he was coming around.  I misread how big an issue this would become.   He is uncomfortable with a lot of expressions of affection.  He is really nervous and unsure of himself and the problem gets compounded because he not the kind of guy that likes to do the things I love.  Simply snuggling with me or showing affection comes unnatural to him.  He get’s antsy and insecure. I don’t know where to begin.  Should I tell him I am not getting my core physical needs met?  He is sensitive and I am afraid too much frankness could set him back.”

As you can see, everyone has their own unique situation.  But often, when you strip back all the words and look at the problems, there are some remarkable commonalities shared by all the women.

So where does one turn if you feel the marriage is  being held back because of your husband’s inability to connect with you on some very basic levels?

Let’s first make sure we are all on the same page as to what some of the key emotional and physical needs are for women.  Then we will talk about some tactics you can employ to help your husband see how he can step up.

What Are the 12 Important Needs Every Women Wants Fulfilled?

women's needs cannot be forgotten

I have learned it is best to reach out to get the best picture of women’s wants and desires.

So that is what I did.  I sampled some of the women I have worked with and asked them to give me examples of emotional needs they believe are important  in a relationship.

Here is what I came up with. It is far from a complete list, but these things I believe matter a great deal.  Also bear in mind, this list of emotional needs apply to most, if not all men as well.

  1. Women look to be accepted by their husband for who they are.  They want some assurance that no matter how they feel, what they wear, or how they look on any given day, they can count on their husband to love and embrace them.
  2. Another important emotional need every wife is looking for is security.  I am not talking about financial security, though that certainly is an important matter. What I am referring to security as it relates to safety.  It is a basic need we all have.  According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, things like food, shelter, and safety are human’s top three needs.  They need to be satisfied first.  Having a place that provides protection and a husband who makes you feel safe is meaningful.
  3. A woman entering into a serious relationship or marriage wants a commitment from her husband (or boyfriend) that this bond and connection between them is not something that is loosely agreed to.   Every wife I have come to know needs to feel confident that her man will be there for her, lifting up her spirits when she feels down.  That he won’t run when the relationship runs into a rough patch. Every wife wants to feel that she can count on her husband to be completely devoted to making the marriage successful and help make her dreams and aspirations for the marriage come true.
  4. Being able to form a bond with your husband such that both of you are best of friends and you both enjoy talking and being around each other was also mentioned frequently as an important emotional expectation.  A wife wants to be able lean on her husband for advice, such she would get from a trusted friend. Being a lover and a friend are two different expectations, both very important in their own right.
  5. A wife wants to be loved and see it, hear it, and feel it in every fiber of her being. Unspoken love sounds fine in the mind or some romance novel, but love that is enduring is the kind of love that is active in form and demonstrated by act on a daily basis.  And a woman in love is not simply looking for a way to give and receive that love physically (sexual intimacy), but she want that love to be demonstrated to her in the form of emotional intimacy through acts of kindness, appreciation, and praise.
  6. One of the most critical emotions share by husband and wife is giving and receiving trust.  In successful marriages, the exchange of trust is a two-way street.  A wife needs to be able to trust in her husband about most everything, but particularly in the big matters affecting the relationship.  Having an open marriage such that you are able to talk to your husband about anything without fear of him acting badly or mistreating you is an important relationship building block.
  7. A woman want to feel seen and noticed.  She want to feel she has value and matters to you.  She wants to feel that you can be depended on to be there for her emotionally when she feels anxious or insecure or vulnerable.
  8.  The wife has a need to share one of her most valuable gifts….the gift of nurturing.  She wants to be able to take care of you and make you feel better as it will make her feel better, more fulfilled.  A woman needs her husband to let her in.  She wants him to open up and be vulnerable in front of her because she understands how powerful it is to give yourself up to another person.
  9. Women want their husband to feel sexually aroused and attracted.  While they may not seek out that attention in any visible way, they harbor a deep need to be “desired” by their husband on many levels (sexually, emotionally, intellectually).  If they feel they can turn on their husband and please him, it makes them feel more aroused and sexually satisfied.
  10.  Women need their privacy.  While they value having an open marriage in every respect, they also need to have time for themselves, by themselves.  This can come in many forms.  The wife may simply need down time after a particularly difficult day at work.  Or she may simply value having a certain degree of privacy when it comes to certain personal habits.  Even after we are married, we still retain a need to be alone at times.  It can help us recharge our batteries. Men have the man cave.  Women also have their places they need to go to think about things or enjoy the quiet of  beautiful evening or to go venture off somewhere just for the fun of it, maybe sharing it with you later as a surprise.
  11. If the husband is determined to exercise all of the personal power in the marriage, then it will fail.  Women (as do men) need their freedom to be able to make important decisions that may impact the relationship.  If the guy tries to take that away…take away her autonomy to be who she really is and what she really wants, then the wife becomes a prisoner in the marriage.  As a wife, you have no need to be controlled or ordered around by your husband.
  12. Another important need for every married woman is being able to explore the things that make her personally satisfied.  Women are happy and appreciative when they know their husband supports their individual personal goals.  They want their husband’s backing when they take on that hard challenge whether it be going back to get a master degree, losing those extra 10 pounds, embracing her lifelong desire to start-up her own quilt business, or whatever it might be.  A woman who wishes to grow to become the best version of herself feels even more complete when her husband stands behind her supporting and cheering her along the way.

What Should You Do When Your Needs Aren’t Being Met in Your Relationship

a good guy who can't see wife's desires

I always remind my women clients that no matter what is happening in the marriage, you always will have choices available to you.

No matter how awful you feel about the state of your relationship, there are things that you can do that will eventually make a difference.

I never promise a woman that my advice will save her marriage.

Nor do I pretend to have any power over a husband who may be doing an awful job of satisfying his wife’s most important of needs.

But I am convinced there are solutions one can implement to help with most situations.  Even if that path leads to breaking away from the man who has been ignoring your needs and pushing you away.

Let’s hope your marriage situation never comes to that.  But in cases that are extreme, one should not rule out taking a transformative step to improve one’s life.

So let’s look at some things that you can do when your husband is coming up way short in making you feel complete.

  1. If you are  just waiting and looking to see some evidence that your partner is willing to change his ways, you are approaching the matter in the wrong manner.  If your man has been largely ignoring what you need to feel whole and complete, and you have not sat down to have a serious discussion about it, the time to start is now.  Some women are reluctant to point out any shortcomings in their husband’s behavior. They don’t want to come off as being critical or unappreciative.  But you might be surprised of your husband’s reaction if you take him by the hand, sit him down on the couch or bed and just let your heart and mind flow in a calm, but directed way.  If your husband is a good catch, he will appreciate you telling him what you need more of.  He simply may not realize how he is landing short of the mark in meeting some of your needs.
  2. When you talk to your husband about your needs, break it in to pieces so that he can process it and act on modifying his behavior.  Don’t bombard him with a long list of things he is not doing right.  Too much, too soon can confuse and discourage him.  Point out to him the behavior you would like to see more of.  Limit it to just a couple of things at a time.  When you have your initial discussion with your husband about the emotional needs you feel are most important to quench, remain calm and make prolonged eye contact to reinforce its importance to you.  Don’t play it down or act like it is an optional kind of thing you would like him to do more of (or less of).  Your husband needs to understand these feelings you are expressing are coming from a deep place.
  3.  After you talk earnestly with your husband about your own unmet emotional  needs, ask him about his own needs that may not be met. Tell him it is important to you that he is satisfied, just as it is important to you to have certain relationship needs met.   Steering the conversation in such a way creates a win-win scenario which increases the chances of each of you doing a better job of recognizing what how to better satisfy each other.
  4. This suggestion may be a little outside of the box.  Let’s say as a wife you have been unable to get your husband to see that he is simply falling way short of meeting what you need on an emotional, physical, or spiritual basis.    You have tried to convey to him what these needs are and how he can step up his behaviors to make you feel loved and appreciated.  But what if things are not getting better? Your husband becomes colder and more distant.  What if you feel completely at lost as to what to do next and where you can turn to get some relief?
  5. While this is not a long-term solution, it is time for you to do something just for YOU.  And it’s something you do in private. If you are looking for near term emotional relief, then I highly recommend you cry it out in private.  It won’t change your husband behaviors, but a good cry is exceptionally therapeutic and can do wonders for your emotional well-being in the short-term.  Just letting it all out can rid the body of unwanted toxins that are built up, not to mention help you rid yourself of that awful feeling of helplessness.  Crying neutralizes stress and helps with the release of oxytocin which can have a calming effect on you. It can also give you a much-needed break from the series of disappointments you may be experiencing as a result of your husband’s inability to change the way he is behaving.  There is tremendous emotional/physical benefit associated with crying.  Certain neurotransmitters are released that help you better cope with the trouble spots you encounter in your relationship.  Again, let me emphasize that crying is not a solution to the problem of a husband’s insensitivity to your needs.  But it can help you get through a rough period of vulnerability.
  6.  Be reasonable about what can get accomplished. While your expectations should not be ignored, bear in mind that trying to get your husband’s behavior to be more  generous, accepting and flexible to your viewpoint won’t happen overnight.  Think in terms of little steps, making progress over time.
  7.  Creating and building goodwill can go a long ways in settling different notions as to how a marriage should work.  If you can make your husband feel valued and loved, he will be more motivated to  be more amenable to focusing on what makes you content.
  8. If your partner is unable to address your critical emotional needs and consistently shows little concern or motivation, then it is entirely possible your husband will never come around to actively working through the problems of the relationship.  He may be completely adverse to changing his ways for any number of reasons. He may display contempt for the idea of changing his behavior.  So there may come a time that in order to get your message across, a significant intervention is needed.  This is usually a last resort approach that you would adopt only after trying multiple ways to get through to him.

stepping away from husband

I am reminded of the definition of insanity which is,”doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results“.  Sometimes the marriage is so broken by the husband’s failure to recognize his own shortcomings, you need to step away.  You might need to leave or ask him to leave for a temporary period of time.  With this approach, you are essentially drawing a red line, telling your husband that you do not want to be part of something that is so dysfunctional.  Making such a move can be tough on you emotionally in other ways, but it can also be very uplifting and free you from the burden of feeling you are trapped in a loveless marriage.  What unfolds later in the marriage is a function of many things that may happen (or not happen).  And that is something we can talk about more in another post.  But the premise behind this suggestion is that if you are very unhappy and feeling like you are spinning your wheels, unable to get through to your husband, save yourself first from future hardship (and your children if so involved).  Continuing to co-exist in a dysfunction marriage  can be damaging to you in so many ways.  So shift the paradigm.   Salvaging the marriage cannot be accomplished unless you can take care of your own sanity and emotional well-being.

How To Get Your Husband To Help With The Baby

One of the saddest problems that come to my attention is when a guy cuts loose from his wife or girlfriend either just before the delivery of their baby or right after the baby is born.

An equally difficult problem to deal with is when the father of the baby to often looks for ways to escape or shirk from their responsibilities in caring and raising their baby child.

That is what we are going to talk about today.

It is heart breaking to hear some of the stories from women who feel dispirited and worn out.  A big part of them wants to make things right with their husband.  They understand this is a big change for him….for everyone. But the responsibility of motherhood requires they focus almost the totality of their attention to their baby or children.

Don’t feel guilty about that.  It is your husband who needs to adjust his mindset.

husband won't help enough with baby

By the way, if you chose to spend the vast majority of your time and energy with your newborn baby, kudos to you.  Your children should never play second fiddle.

Now I am not saying that you can’t work on helping your husband be a better father.  If you have been struggling with getting your absentee husband (father of your child) to pitch in and help with the baby, there are certainly some things you can do to address this problem.

You need not be married and miserable with a new little baby in your life.  By the way, I recently wrote up a post on women who are miserable in marriage.  I sure hope you don’t fall into this category, but if you need some tips, feel free to read up….

I Can’t Stand My Husband: Married and Miserable

In talking with women, for a lot of them, this problem seems to get bigger with each passing year.  When a child is born and the father or boyfriend decides to either bow out or is unwilling to take responsibility for his role in supporting your needs and the needs of the child, that is wrong.

They don’t have a leg to stand on if they cop out when it comes helping you and the baby.  If they wish to argue that they are too busy at work or that they are poorly equipped to care for a baby, just know that such excuses are bull crap.

It is a total crock of nonsense when a husband tries to back out of their responsibilities for caring for their infant baby.   I have very little tolerance for men who withdraw their emotional and physical support when you need it most.

Now, sometimes it not quite that bad.  There may be times in which your husband or boyfriend is willing to help out with your baby.  But when they do so in a half hazard way, with little  enthusiasm, it makes it difficult for you to really count on them.  All this does is create more stress for you.

Do you ever feel that after giving birth to your baby and bringing him or her home, you now have two in the home to care for, specifically your newborn and your childish acting husband?

Guys, if your are reading this, it is not my aim to bash men.  But I cannot ignore the avalanche of complaints I get from women on this topic.

It seems that far too many women with infants are just trying to keep their head above water.  Their daily life is full of fatigue and chaotic schedules.  And if the man of the house is backing away and shirking his duties as father, I am sorry, but that just really doesn’t cut it.

As you probably well know, if you have brought a youngster into this world, the first year or two of the child’s life requires a tremendous investment in time.  I am still baffled and amazed at how single women are able to raise their child and in many cases, do a wonderful job.

My wife and I have a youngster and I frankly cannot imagine a scenario in which she could have done it all by herself.  I am convinced that the welfare of a baby or infant child would be sacrificed if the husband (or boyfriend) was not there to help out on a daily (even hourly) basis.

Yet having an absentee husband in the house is a common complaint I receive.  Women all over reach out to me to express their frustration that there husband is not there for them when it comes to all things associated with raising their child.

 

Whether it be helping with feeding, bathing, diaper changes, play time, education time, sleep time, or the myriad of other activities that take place when you have a youngster in the household, the care of your baby requires a tag team approach in order for the marriage couple to keep their sanity intact.

So I understand first hand how tough it is on wives out there whose husbands’ are just not doing enough to help with the baby.

It helps to know that your are not alone.  Sometimes I wonder if men are born with a certain chip in their brain that turns on after the baby is born and instructs them to do as little as possible!

Here is short scattering of complaints I hear from women about their husband with regard to his lack of support when raising a newborn:

Chris, my husband is not helping with our baby at night.  I am exhausted and have fallen way behind in sleep.  Yet my husband thinks he must have his 7-8 hours of sleep ever night.  This is horribly unfair and I can’t get it through his head that I need help!  He keeps saying he will, but nothing of  much really gets done.  He goes through the motions and I am left with doing everything.  It’s like he doesn’t want to learn or get involved.   Help!  I am married to I guy who is backpedaling away from his daddy duties.

This is our first child.  How much should my husband help with my baby? We are trying to come up with a schedule and it seems that he only wants to back me up, whatever that means.  To me, he is looking for permission not to help out.  The last time he said he would back me up on something, I ended up doing everything all the time.  I know my husband is taking advantage of me.   

My baby girl’s father doesn’t help much.  I guess he is a baby daddy as you call it.  We are not married.  I don’t think we ever will be after what I have seen and have been going through.  He helped bring this baby into our world, but he seems to not want to embrace any of the responsibility of caring and feeding.  The most I can get him to do is grocery story runs.   He keeps acting like he doesn’t know what to do, but he won’t even try to learn or take direction from me.  He just retreats from making any commitment.  I can pin him down.  I can’t call him a deadbeat dad because he does provide for both of us.  But I feel helpless and exhausted and am afraid that it will only get worse.  

Chris, we have this new baby and my husband is refusing to help at night.  He purposely won’t wake up when our baby cries and when he does stir, he acts like he is really tired and can’t help.  I am breast feeding our baby now, but I am really concerned when we get her on the bottle, my husband will still not step up and do night duty.  I want to scream at him because it is so selfish for him to behave this way. We are supposed to be in this together.  He said all the right things before this child was born.  But as soon as he discovered how hard it is, he looks for every way to back out and shirk his responsibilities.  If it wasn’t for my mother, I would be desperate.

 Chris, my husband and I have this beautiful child.  She is getting to the age where she is really a joy to be around, but it still takes a lot of effort to take care of her.  That is the problem.  My husband doesn’t help with our toddler at all.  He thinks that playtime is his contribution.  But when it comes to spelling me, helping with putting her down, getting her diapers changed, and feeding her, he just disappears.  I have tried everything to get him to chip in, but he resists.  He keeps saying he is afraid he will screw things up.  But I know that is an excuse. 

Help me! I am stuck with a do nothing husband .  We have newborn and I might as well be considered a single mom because he sure it not around when I am desperate for help.  It is getting worse.  I am getting so fatigued and depressed.  Everyday I wake up with resentment .  

Why Won’t Your Husband Help With the Baby?

my boyfriend won't help with baby

A while back, I did a survey with some of the women who participate on this website.  I wanted to explore what might be some of the reasons why men choose to take a backseat in helping their wife with caring for their newborn.  I discovered there were different reasons, depending on the guy and the circumstances.

One thing I found was there are some well-intentioned husbands who don’t know a lot about what to do and were simply petrified.

Understandably, it can be quite an enormous undertaking and most men did not really pay much attention to matters like this if they had baby brothers or sisters.   Some of these men were  ill-equipped and were lacking in basic skills.

Should we give them a pass for that?

Not really.  It’s not like the coming of the baby was a great surprise.

Is it too late for men to get up to speed and really work hard to do their part and chip in as often as needed?

Of course not.

For both husband and wife, adapting your time and schedules to care for your newborn infant is an evolutionary process.

There was also a group of men who were simply (at first) poorly equipped emotionally when it came time to deal with rearing their child.  They intended to help but were shocked to see all of the things one needs to do to simply to care for a newborn.

And as the child became older and the responsibilities of care extended beyond the core duties of  feeding, changing, bathing, and putting down to sleep, these men became overwhelmed with the time crunch.

So should we give these guys a pass?

Heck No!

I am sure it is no picnic for the women who are emotionally trying to deal with the whole experience of raising their child, not to mention trying to get their hormones back to normal levels.

So what I learned is that there is a high percentage of men who simply checked out emotionally.

Instead of looking for ways to help their wife, they simply made the unspoken decision to do as little as possible and let their wife lead in all areas.  While they may have earlier envisioned that the rearing of the child would be like a tag team strategy, these dreams quickly evaporated were subjected to the real rigors of taking care of a baby.

Then there was a group of husbands that made up the majority  of the respondents, I am sorry to say.  I suspect that my survey results were not representative of men in general, but more than half of the women who responded reported that their husband either did nothing in the way of support or very little.

Mind you, these new moms were were frustrated and at their wit’s end.  But I still believe the women because the temptation for a guy to checkout is really high.

And worse, in some cases the wife reported that her husband was a detriment. He made things worse.

In these cases, the men would complain about the way their life had changed for the worse and express resentment toward their spouse for how they had little time to do anything, with complaints of being trapped.  Some women reported their husband spending more time away from home, seemingly looking for ways to avoid their responsibilities as a father.

To survive the stress of their husband not being available to help them, some of the women explained that they adopted a cynical view of their husband’s level of commitment.

As a self-survival mechanism, some of these new moms just assumed they could never expect much if any relief.  Of course, that is truly a sad state of affairs when you have to pencil your husband completely out of the lineup for helping with the baby.

selfish husband with infant

So in summary, why do the men behave this way.  Here are my findings

  •  The husband is simply selfish minded.  Rather than modify their own habits and routines to help their wife with the care of their baby, they elected to avoid responsibility, taking the chauvinistic position that raising a baby is women’s work.
  •  In some cases the husband was poorly equipped emotionally to help with caring for the newborn.  They were petrified that they would do something wrong.  They had little experience around babies and did not want to mess up or make worse the situation.  In these cases, the men were quick to return the baby back to its mother when the least little problem would crop up.  Over time, some of these insecure husbands learned to overcome their fears and the sharing in the care of the baby improved.
  • Some men are experts at adopting avoidance behaviors and removing themselves from any responsibilities because they genuinely believe it is in the child’s best interest to be cared for by the mother.  Either their reasoning arose from cultural or religious notions.  However it happened, some guys are  convinced  they would be poorly suited for this kind of effort or they came to the conclusion in a very analytical way.  I heard from one wife who said her husband was an engineer and that he came up with a mathematical proof that showed his time was better suited doing other things.  Frankly, I told her I thought it was all hogwash and was one of the worst excuses I had ever heard.
  • Some guys don’t like having their life change in this way.  That are not emotionally prepared.  Perhaps their maturity level is inadequate.  It is also possible that if he is pulling away from his baby duties, it could be a sign that he is having second thoughts about the relationship.  Don’t panic.  Much of the time, these thought he has are fleeting and are a product of him just streaming thoughts.  Some husbands have no clue what it takes to raise a child and when they get a taste of it, they can panic and freak out a bit.  They become afraid that life as they once knew it is now gone.  So what do people do when they get panicky?  They either want to fight or flee.  It is not an common reaction when individuals get overcome and panic.  After some time, most of these men get their act together as their emotions come back down to earth.  They learn to cope with it, just like every other mother and father have before them.

How Do You Convince Your Husband To Help With the Child

getting help from hubby with baby girl

So what can one do to get their husband to help with the baby and the myriad of things that need to get done?

First let me start with what you shouldn’t do.

Yelling or screaming at your husband will generally produce the opposite of what you are trying to accomplish.

I know….you are probably at your wit’s end and screaming at him seems and feels like the right thing to do in the moment.

But I would still advise against giving in to what may feel like the perfectly right thing to do.  If you must, do so as a last resort.  Under certain circumstances, it could jar your husband to realize he best get on board with the program of raising this new, beautiful child.

Nevertheless, there is already plenty of screaming and crying coming from the baby.  So be careful of overusing this “scream tactic”. There is a point where you get diminishing returns. Whatever amount of screaming you do to try to jar him to the reality that he needs to help you, rarely nets any positive, long lasting results.

If your husband is looking for a reason to check out of his baby duties and further shirk his responsibilities, you just gave him one.

Nor should you give your husband an ultimatum.  For example, telling your husband that you will destroy his prized card collection (or whatever) if he doesn’t help you by staying up with the baby will probably backfire big time.

Yet another thing you should not do is give up on your husband.  Right now it may seem hopeless and you may feel resigned to the notion that your guy will not change his ways.  But there are always options.

A better approach is to organize, plan and find creative and strategic ways to enlist his help and the help of others.

So let’s look at some solutions

  • Consider drawing up a Baby Plan.  Collaborate with your husband in putting it together.  It will allow you both to put on paper or poster all of the things that typically needs to get done.  Also estimate the time it takes to perform the various tasks.  Include daily schedules for things like times for bathing the baby, tending to the baby clothes, staging the infant’s food,  and stocking up on what your baby needs in terms of clothes, diapers, wipes, toys, etc.  Once you and your husband have identified all the things that need to get done with a baby or infant in the house, it makes it much more clearer to the husband what is all involved.  He may come to appreciate more the enormity of the work and why his involvement is so critical.  All mothers know that the baby related tasks are endless as little infants need a lot of attention and the work changes and evolves over time.  As part of this plan, identify all the things you need to stock up (have in inventory) so your are not running out of thing, having to do last minute runs to your local grocery store.  So at the end of all this planning you should have an organized list of “Things To Do” and Things To Get” and “Schedules”.  This will make it easier for the two of you to agree on what it is your husband can do to help you out.  Block out the hours and duties you need from him.  Men are action and result oriented.  If it is left nebulous, it won’t get done.  But if your husband sees what all the actions are for which they are responsible and it is written down, then they are more likely to be motivated to get these things done.
  • From a strategic and psychological angle, sit down with your husband  and explain to him that you cannot take care of the baby completely by yourself.  No wife should be expected to do it all alone, especially in those early months when fatigue plays such a role in the care taking of the baby. To gain his commitment to help, give him a specific time block you need him for.   Then as a short-term measure, explain to him that another way the two of you can get through this difficult child rearing period is to get help from outside.  Lay out the time period in which you need this help.  It can be friends, family, or you can hire someone part-time to perform some of the tasks.  The key is getting your husband to be solely responsible for that block of time so he can see, hear, and feel how hard it is to take care of his baby.  After that, your husband will be more likely to agree to outside help once he gets a taste of the hardship.
  • Leave your baby in the hands of your husband for a day.   He will learn in great detail how hard it is to be at high alert, attending to the baby’s every need for so long, without break.  If he hesitates or balks at the notion, simply get your purse and phone and kiss him and the baby and make a bee line to the door.  Now you are not leaving him completely in the lurch.  Prior to leaving, leave him specific instructions that lay out what he needs to do and when.  Identify all the key priorities such as how much formula and baby food the baby will need.  Stage it out on the table for each of the time blocks.  Record the nap time periods and the wake up routines.  Also draw up a list of extra duties he can perform (e.g. washing and drying clothes, cleaning house, emptying diaper bag, cleaning dishes, sanitizing bottles, etc) if he really wants to shine and impress you.  If your husband has an ounce of love for the baby, self-respect and a competitive streak, he will make it through just fine.  When it’s all done, he will have a newfound appreciation of what moms go through every day.
  • Don’t assume that your husband is as incompetent or unwilling as you may think.  Turn it into a challenge.  Men like challenges.  Give him 3 – 5 key tasks and create some printable Weekly Baby Challenge Posters.  Hang these posters around the house.  It will not only remind him of what he has to do, but these posters should also showcase all of the tasks that you are doing for the care of the baby.  That way, he can see his few tasks are dwarfed against the multitude of things you are doing.  Ask him to check of each task he completes so he can see progress.   Once he gets engaged and realizes what is involved he will not only  value what you do much more, but his level of guilt will increase when he sees all the things you are doing or if he slacks and chooses not to help you out.

Why Does My Husband Treat Me So Badly

Sometimes women reach out to me and complain that their husband mistreats them and is really a mean guy and if they had known he was such a louse they would never had married him.

In the course of the conversation, these ladies will wonder out loud why their husband treats them so badly.  Sometimes they will question if they are at fault or if they unwittingly contributed to their husband’s behavior and outbursts.  They will tell me that their husband wasn’t this way in the beginning of the marriage.

But now he is a monster in their eyes.

husband treats me poorly

It is a sad side of my work, but far too often I come across women who have attached themselves to a husband who are the equivalent of a bad boy. I get reports of  husbands that mistreat, shout and yell at their wives far too often.

I am told about guys who are just downright mean and ugly, cursing at their wife and telling her she is worthless.

Why do some men act this way?

Is it something that is part of their make up?  Were they born this way?

Were they treated this way, so they just are behaving in the way of their past?

Or is it something you, the wife, are doing that triggers the outburst and poor treatment?

Well….I can tell you from experience it is seldom anything you did.  Sure, you are far from perfect.  Who is?  But a mean spirited husband didn’t get that way because of you.

So let me say it again.

If you are married to a guy who treats you badly, rarely is it your fault.  The fault lies with the person who is exhibiting such distasteful, rude and unpleasant, or even disgusting behavior.

When Is It Time To Ditch and Divorce Your Husband

So should you ditch you man?  I get into this topic later in this post, but for further reading you should also check out this article I recently wrote…

So what can you do about it?  That is the question I most often get.  There is usually three things a wife who reaches out to me wants to know.

One thing they will ask me about is how they can better tolerate living with such an unpleasant person. They may not be ready to call it quits.  The situation may not have risen to a level where they feel the marriage is in serious jeopardy.  So they are interested in learning how to manage their own stress levels and keep their husband in line.  With this group, I find myself steering them away from the notion that they should learn to better cope with a husband who to often gives in to hateful behavior.  It is better to address the real problem, namely the husband’s treatment of his wife.

A second thing some women will need help with is what they can do to get their husband to stop acting so poorly.  They want him to stop hurting their feelings and being so mean and disrespectful to them.  The solutions to these problems are different depending on the frequency and severity of the husband’s behavior. Seldom do I lead with a negative, but I will tell women that if their husband has been behaving this way for a long time, that is a huge problem.  If your man consistently mistreats you, then don’t expect that he will change much or if at all unless there is a major intervention.  We will discuss this more later.

The third area that some of these women wish to explore is whether the relationship is worth sticking out.  They want to know if their husband will ever change his selfish and cruel ways because they are of the mind to bolt.

So with regard to this third point, these women are looking for advice on how to leave their husbands. Sometimes I talk with women who are so entrenched in the relationship, they have lost sight of just how bad and abusive the relationship has become.  This much more common than people realize.

my husband is cruel to me

In certain cases, I find myself steering my advice to these women in such a way to help them see how dysfunctional their situation has become so that they will consider getting out of the clutches of a twisted and cruel minded husband.

So I get a lot of queries along this topic.

Often they are like cries for help and it is heartbreaking to hear their stories. You can hear the pain.  You can also see the sense of futility some of these women express.

But I tell them all,  there is a door you can walk through that leads you away from this pain.  And this door can lead you to a place in which your husband is still part of your life.  Or it can lead you to another place where you seldom if ever see him again, and he cannot hurt you anymore.

Far too many women suffer poor treatment from their husband or boyfriend. For example….

My husband treats me bad and seems totally disgusted me.  What should I do because I am coming apart.

I know I don’t deserve this.  My husband is awful to me.  He treats me badly but I am not sure if I should leave because of the kids and we have so much history.

I know when a man treats you badly, you shouldn’t put up with it.  But its like I am stuck in quicksand and just don’t know how to get out. 

He treats and talks to me like dirt.  I deserve better and I am going to leave him.  What do I do first?  I am ready to end this, but I don’t want it to go off the rails.

What do you do when someone you love treats you badly?  Should you just get away for a while?  Give him an ultimatum?  Move out permanently? 

My boyfriend treats me badly but I love him still and don’t want things to end.  I keep hoping we will turn the corner.  What are the chances that he will change?  My mother tells me it’s a lost cause. 

Know That You Are Not At Fault

not your fault he mistreats you

Clearly, it is a sad situation when a woman is married to a man who mistreats her emotionally and uses bullying tactics to intimidate, dominate and make her submissive.

Just allowing these women to tell their story is therapeutic for them in the short run.  Knowing that they are not alone and that there are other women out there who are involved in marriage or relationship in which their man behaves badly helps them see that it not something they have done wrong.

That is one of the reasons why I started up a Private Facebook Support and Recovery Group.

Women who find themselves being belittled or blamed for seemingly everything, should know that it is not their fault.  Their husbands may have told them for years about how worthless they are and how everything that is wrong with the marriage is their fault.  But that is a LIE.

Humans can be cruel and treat each other horribly.   Both husbands and wives can be an instigator and a victim.

Today we are talking about husbands who mistreat their wife in all sorts of ways.  But in some marriages, mistreatment is a two-way street.

But let’s keep the focus on those women who feel beaten down.

And that is a problem in some of these spousal emotional abuse cases.  The husband may have so traumatized his wife, beating down her sense of self-worth, that she may come to believe that she is to blame or that she is not doing enough or holding up her end.

After all, in most of these cases, the abusive husband is constantly demeaning his wife, telling her how she is stupid or useless and wrong about everything.  If one hears that enough, it can cause you to lose self-esteem and even begin to question whether some of the put downs and ugly comments might be true.

So while I am not miracle worker, I do try to help lift these women’s spirit and hopes and open up their eyes to the path of other possibilities.  Because the truth is that while you may feel trapped in a relationship and while you may feel abused;  there is almost always a door you can walk through that will lead you away from those who wish to bring you down and make you feel bad about yourself.

Why Does You Husband Act So Poorly?

you deserve better than him

Now that you know that his poor treatment of you is rarely your fault, it begs the question why does your man act this way?

What makes him such a hard person to live with and is there anything you can do about it?  Can your husband change or is that notion really just chasing a pipe dream?

In my experience, if your husband has been mistreating you for most of the time you have been together, then the problem probably originates deep within the core of his personality and past experiences.

His attitudes toward women or people in general most likely formed long before he met you.  It is likely the mean-spirited comments directed at you and lack of consideration for your feelings is a product of both his genetic make up and the environment he was exposed to when growing up.  We are all a product of our genes, how we are raised, and other influencers.

I don’t believe one single factor is responsible for how a man ultimately treats his wife.  Men are not born to be rotten to their wives.  Though they may exhibit certain unattractive behaviors caused by the way their brain is formed, it not the only that thing that causes them to be a guy who constantly belittles and picks on his wife.

I think how a guy ends up treating his wife is a product of  many factors.  Genetics, environmental influences, the quality of the relationship match (compatibility), attitudes about marriage, core values, attachment styles and daily stress can all contribute to how a guy ultimately behaves toward his wife.

No single factor can be blamed or credited for how a person was molded.

Just because your husband may have been raised in the most loving and supportive environment, won’t mean that he will be a wonderful and loving guy.  All the chips could have been stacked against him early in life, but through the sheer force of his personality and core beliefs, he may turn out to be a kind and considerate man.

The truth every man has certain strengths and weaknesses  he brings to the relationship.  And a man’s wife also has certain strengths and weaknesses.  How the two people come together is largely a function of how these individuals combine their strengths and weaknesses.  How they mesh or dovetail can be a complicated matter when you pull back the layers and look closely.

So the question of why your husband may act a certain way is in no way a simple matter to fully understand.  In coming up with potentials solutions, it helps to gain some insights.

But our focus today is dealing with outcomes, right?  Let’s assume you have tried a lot of things on your end and it is getting you no where.   Specifically, what should you do if you are stuck in an unhappy and emotionally unhealthy marriage?

Should You End It When He Treats You Badly?

ending it with your husband

So what are the conditions in which you should simply tell your husband that you no longer want to move forward with the relationship?

When do things get bad enough that it is unhealthy for you to stay in the marriage?

Clearly, if your husband’s poor treatment of you has been going on for a long time and there have been good faith efforts made to try to change, one is left wondering whether the match was suitable in the first place.

Sometimes we just don’t choose the right person for ourselves.

It is really not such an easy thing to do because in the beginning of every courtship there is this undeniable force that gets in the way of our rationale mind.

The hormones that are triggered when we are falling in love can create a false sense that we are with the most wonderful person that has ever existed.   All we can think of when we are “falling in love” is being with this other person.  Our emotional and physical arousal to a person we are falling in love with can cause us to obsess over the person and convince us that the match is made in heaven.

It is almost like we have lost control of our rationale minds.  We can become blind to problems of compatibility.  When we encounter or notice problems in our lover’s personality or raise questions about their behavior, we are more prone to explain it away.  We rationalize that it is just something in passing.

In the beginning of a relationship, people tend to highlight the positive and wash away the negatives.  Often, our lover doesn’t showcase their weaknesses.  They hide certain unattractive qualities and behaviors because they are interested in attracting you.  That is not necessarily a devious thing.  We all want to put on our “best face”.

It may seem impossible to you at the time that your soon to be husband will eventually reveal himself as a selfish bad boy, but this is an common occurrence in relationships.

The question becomes when is enough, enough.

5 Things To Look For Before You Bail Out of Your Marriage

when to bail out of marriage

In dealing with this problem, I came up with a simple checklist.

It is not foolproof.  But if you can honestly check off each of these 5 things, then you really have to ask yourself what are you doing in the relationship.

Sometimes we just have to accept that we chose wrong.  Sure, breaking up and ending a marriage will bring on its on set of problems.  But these issues are almost always over the short-term and will eventually subside and end.    Staying  with someone who is abusive and treats you badly for the long haul is a far worst scenario.

Obviously, these are not easy decisions.

So consider carefully what is going on in your marriage and whether your husband’s behavior is so bad that it has risen to a level where you simply cannot tolerate living life in such away.

Look at this checklist and decide if these descriptions captures the essence of your marriage situation.  If each ( or most) of these 5 things are happening in your life, to the degree described, then you should give serious consideration to getting off the relationship track you are on and that might mean ending things for a significant period of time or permanently.

  1.  You have been together for multiple years.  Your husband is emotionally and physically abusive frequently.  He insults you and your intelligence and those around you that you love.  His treatments of you makes you feel like a lesser person. He may be a control freak insisting that most everything be done his way and if not, he explodes with anger or tries to bully you.  He often raises his voice and uses ugly words to describe you or uses threatening langauge to make you do things you don’t want to do.
  2.  You and your husband often can’t get along.  He starts most of the arguments.  Sometimes he threatens to strike you or he pushes you or gets physical in your presence by slamming, kicking or breaking objects.  These altercations can get very loud and frightening and you become afraid for your safety.  You live almost every day with anxiety about your safety or whether your husband will have another upsetting outburst.
  3. Your husband’s mood is unpredictable.  You feel like you are on pins and needles.  In one moment he can be very loving, then he can simply crack and just come apart blaming you or whoever is around.  You are often afraid to argue or disagree with him, even on the smallest of points.  Your husband can act cruelly and when things go wrong, he takes it out on you.  Sometimes your husband is influenced by alcohol or drugs which negatively impacts his behavior
  4. The environment in the home you both live in is dreary and sad.  You feel like you often want to escape.  You have been thinking about leaving him for a long time, but don’t know whether you should or how to.  In your heart, you know the marriage will not get better and will probably get worse.  You often feel depressed and your emotional health is deteriorating.  You have possibly talked to close friends or close family members about your situation and are starting to feel desperate about what to do.
  5. You can honestly say that you have often spoken to your husband about how his actions are hurting you and the marriage.  You have given him examples of his behavior and have warned him that you cannot tolerate this kind of behavior.  You have strongly encouraged him to go with you to see a marriage counselor because you believe the marriage is failing.  He has declined or if he agreed, he quickly relapsed to his old ways.

 

Why Does Your Wife Lie To You So Much

If you stumbled across this particular post, I would imagine there will be a wide range of opinions about what I have to say regarding the topic of whether your wife spins far too many lies and what is behind it all.

I admit, the headline is an attention grabber.  From the get go, if you really think about it, the notion that women lie far too often to their husbands is quite flawed.

The truth is that husbands lie to their wives just as often across a wide spectrum of occasions and situations.

 

And as to the quantity of lies that might be passing back and forth between husband and wife, it is really a function of how one technically defines a lie.

After all, we all lie, true?

Am I lying now?

I sure don’t think so.

Because the truth is we all lie.

We all lie in different ways.  Big lies.  Little lies. White lies.

Sometimes we are not even aware that what we are saying is not truthful.

And sometimes we know that what we are saying is deceitful, but we do it anyway because we wish to protect someone’s feelings.

Would that be a good lie if your wife is trying to protect you from getting your feelings hurt?

Indeed, shouldn’t she get some brownie points for looking out for your feelings?

Is there ever such a thing as a good lie?

I actually think so, though I am sure purists may disagree.  They would argue that that misstating the truth can later open the floodgates for deceitful behavior.  That might be true too, but we can all go down that road of second guessing the intended outcome.

can I trust my wife to be upfront

Sometimes we are all guilty of stretching or obscuring the truth in order to protect those we love. Though sometimes we say we are doing such a thing for the wrong reasons.

Yep, being deceitful is a tricky proposition.  So don’t be too eager to crucify your wife for not coming clean about something.  Better to trace the lie back to its source.  I will talk about that more a bit later.

Now sometimes the source of the lie will not warm your heart.  Such is the case if the lie stems from an affair.  I discussed this recently in this post….

Is My Wife Having An Emotional Affair

By the way, most of the time, when your wife is coloring the truth, you won’t even know it.

Why?

Is it because women lie so much?

No, of course not.  Women are no more bigger liars than men.  I just think they are somewhat more skillful in hiding it.  But that is a long story and I won’t be going there today.  Just consider the possibility that women, including your wife, may have evolved to be a bit more clever is disguising the truth.

All humans find it within them to tell a lie far more than you probably realize or even would care to admit.

Studies have been done that show it starts pretty darn early in our lives.  I am talking like 5 or 6 years of age.  Do you ever wonder where these little kids learned to lie?  You are right if you guessed they learned it from their parents and others close to them.  But scientists also think there is an innate motivation for the little ones to lie on occasion.  It relates to self interest and also avoiding consequences.  Sounds familiar doesn’t it.  Kinda like why we adults lie!

Now some people might say that when your wife lies, she must be hiding something.  But rarely does such a blanket statement capture the truth of the situation.  Women (and men for that matter) may find it necessary to bend the truth for a variety of reasons.

And often, it is not due to her wanting to hide something from you.  What she maybe doing is trying to save you from something, namely yourself.

I have had cases in which a husband’s wife has chosen not to tell him the truth about a matter because she knows it might upset her husband’s fragile ego.

I have had other cases where the wife was merely being protective of her husband and went along with something she knew was not true.

Sometimes your wife may tell a lie simply because she is exhausted and just doesn’t have it in her to argue or debate a point.

Sometimes what you take as a lie from your wife is really just a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of the known facts.  In such cases, your spouse may not be trying to intentionally mislead you.  Rather she may just have a different memory or understanding about an event or something that the two of your previously agreed to.

is she really a liar

So just a little word of advice.

Don’t be too quick to cast that first stone if the lie doesn’t amount to something that is really important or meaningful.

We all do it.

Sometimes for good and bad reasons.

Research reveals we lie about twice a day and that men actually lie more frequently than women.  But personally, I think the frequency of lies being told is far greater, particularly if you include the fact that we often are liars to ourselves.

I decided to pose this question about lying to a bunch of guys.

Among some of the men I spoke to about this topic, the questions and comments I got ranged from the fear their otherwise reliable and trustworthy wife was hiding something to those who were insistent that they had married a compulsive liar.

For example, the men complained that…

My spouse lies about all the little things.  How can I trust her on the big things?

Something must be going on.  Usually she is trustworthy. All of a sudden I am catching her in all kinds of shady and questionable assertions about her whereabouts.

What is the best way to confront my wife? I think she is outright lying to me?

I know she just goes along with stuff to avoid conflict.  But something is up.  What can I do to get her to simply tell me what is going on?

I am disgusted with her deceit. How do I deal with my wife that is constantly hiding things from me.  I know I get crazy about this sometimes and she shuts down.  

I have lost complete trust in my wife.  Why should I believe anything she tells me?

Should we even bother to try to make this work? I am not sure I even want to be with someone who is such a liar.

As you can see from some of these statements, suspicions that one’s wife is not trustworthy and is lying can create a lot of ugly fallout.  We are often quick to anger when we think someone we previously trusted so much, has stooped to telling us untruths at ever corner.

To make matters worse,  when we are angry, we seldom see the full picture.  We can turn off our empathy and default right into playing victim.

Look, no one likes being lied to.   And if the untruths are really piling up, then most definitely something terribly wrong and the whole foundation of the marriage needs work.

But we should be reminded that lies are often told for many different reasons and if you are off playing the recrimination game or allowing your hurt feelings to never get put to bed, then you are focusing on the wrong things.

It is natural for our fertile imaginations to run wild when we suspect our spouse is lying to us.  But before you condemn your wife for her transgression, try getting to the root of why she may be lying.  That is where you want to direct the spotlight.

So let’s circle back to the question of the post.

Why do wives lie to their husbands?

Is there something you should do?  I have partially answer that.  But before we proceed further, let’s agree that we could easily remove the word “wives” and replace it with “husbands” too.

None of us are immune to the temptation to bend the truth.

We all have told a fib or two, or three, etc.  So again, don’t be so harsh in your judgement. Now I realize some lies hurt more than others.  And I am not saying you shouldn’t feel bad.  Nor am I saying that since we all lie, it should be swept under the carpet.

I am not saying those things at all.

I just think the most pragmatic thing to do is to try to trace the lie to its origin.  Then you will learn something more about what motivated the untruth and that is something worthwhile to know.  That is something you can act on so it doesn’t trigger future deceptions.

And as to the issue of married men and women lying frequently to each other, let me suggest you keep reading.  You might just gain a new insight on how to save your relationship.   Because clearly, a marriage filled with lies is one that is on the verge of crumbling down.

So What Does It Mean When Your Wife Lies A lot

liar liar pants on fire

First, let me come to the defense of women and wives.

There are a lot of men who can be difficult to live with due to any number of reasons.  This may cause their spouse to hold back from opening up.  They may be frozen with fear that a truthful utterance will cause their husband to become  unglued or more upset.

In such a case, the wife is simply trying to protect herself and the relationship from any unnecessary emotional chaos.  She may be trying to protect the kids.  Such a wife may be trying to protect her husband’s fragile ego.

I have seen plenty of relationships go sour when the husband becomes irate when he thinks the wife is hiding some deep dark secret.  Maybe he is a control freak or is obsessed and simply can’t accept the truth or is convinced there is a lie at the heart of all things. Perhaps the wife got a phone call from an old boyfriend and was afraid to say anything about it to her husband.  Maybe she goes out to have a coffee with some male friends just to catch up.  Nothing happens. But then as things often go, the truth of their encounter surfaces and everything gets blown out of proportion.

OK, so let’s say you have been married a few years and you have come to believe that your wife has difficulty telling you the truth.   The first thing I would ask you to do is question whether your standard for truth and lies is realistic.  Sometimes we can fall into the trap of being far too judgmental about matters of truth-telling.

For example, let’s say you are the kind of guy who is often jealous.  Or let’ say you are a little obsessive about everything that goes on and whether it squares with your version of the facts.  Or consider the possibility that the relationship you are in is one where the personal power balance is slanted way in your favor.

Under these circumstances, the marital environment may be such that one partner is uncomfortable with telling the other the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  So what comes off as lies and deceit from your perspective, is really a reflection of your wife’s discomfort with the communication levels in the marriage.

But what if things are not that way in your marriage.  Let’s assume there are no jealousy or obsession traps unfolding.  Let’s say that the husband is not a control freak such that the wife is afraid to say or do anything to upset the apple cart, prompting her to sometimes tell little white lies or even big whoppers.

What does one do when you discover that your wife seems to have a penchant for telling you things that are untrue?

Let’s say this is her default behavior and it is engrained in her behavior.

Well, the first thing you need to figure out is what is driving her to act this way and how long has it been going.  Is it a psychological survivor mechanism that she adopted early in her life?  Or does she have some narcissistic tendencies and lies are like lollipops.

Has she always been fast and loose with the facts since you have known her?  Or is this something new that has recently unfolded in your life together?

Does her lies compound, such that one lie leads to another, then another?

This could be a sign of a compulsion to be deceitful and is probably the worst kind of liar.  Or  it could be fear that drives her behavior.  Your wife may be guilty of telling you some really big bad lies for fear that the truth will break up the marriage.

This kind of situation may unfold if your wife has done a terrible wrong, such as having an affair or making a very important decision without your knowledge and participation.

Or you the husband could be the source of her fear.

Don’t Be So Quick To Judge Your Wife

don't judge your wife so soon

So as you can see, there are a number of reasons why your wife may find it necessary to keep the truth from you.

Often, the common denominator is fear.

That is right.  From a psychological perspective, most lies are the offspring of  fear.

Such is the case for your lies as well.

We fear getting in trouble for something.

We fear being wrong.

We are afraid of being hurt.

We fear being discovered.

We are afraid of disappointing or being disappointed.

We fear losing the one we love.

So don’t rush to judgement.   It may be that your wife is battling through her fears, however small or large they may be.

So if your wife tell you a fib, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she is a bad person or is corrupt of character.

Nor does it necessarily mean that she can’t be trusted.

Now I am not saying that it is impossible for your wife to be devious in all respects, out to primarily satisfy her own agenda.  If that is what is driving the lies, then you have a bigger problem than the collection of lies that have been told.  Being married to such a person is usually going to end badly.

Bur jumping to conclusions before you understand the underlying events or behavior that led up to her decision to deceive you would be a mistake.

Instead of casting blame, seek first to understand.

This may also be a time to for you to look in the mirror.  Is there something you have done or are doing that would cause your wife to be reluctant to tell you the truth about some matter?

How would you even know unless you explore.  Until you get to the root of where the lie has emerged, you will get no where and there will be little progress in rebuilding trust.

It is easy for us to be angered and feel hurt.  That is a primal emotion that is always lingering near the surface.  And when you discover that you are lied to by your wife, the obvious reaction is to blame and to feel like a victim.

But I would argue that while it is certainly hard to swim upstream against the tide of such emotion, you would be better off to not take the lie so personally.

If you can set aside your own ego and sense of importance and embrace a selfless demeanor in trying to understand the origins of your wife’s mistruth, you will draw closer to the truth that eventually needs to come out for trust to be restored.

Far too often I have seen relationships endure unecessary hardship because neither party showed tolerance.

Once you make that giant leap to remind yourself and accept that your wife’s lie is probably not worse than lies you have told yourself, then you have taken a big step to help make things right.

 

Why Should I Get Married – Right and Wrong Reasons

There comes a time when a man or woman is faced with a decision of marriage.

Have you ever wondered whether the answer to the question of “why should I get married” is sometimes different for men versus women?

Granted, the differences in how men and women process this important life event decision is not that large.

But guys and gals tend to place a different weight on the question of  long-term relationship commitment.  Men and women often look at this life shaping event  through a different lens which is shaped by a markedly different attitude or set of priorities.

You have heard it before, right?

How does one get a boyfriend and girlfriend on the same page when it comes to the matter of marriage?

Of course, this presumes that marriage is the right thing for them, right?

Tying the knot often depends on a person’s readiness which is tied to a host of factors such as individual maturity, one’s sense of how strong is the fit, personal views about marriage, and attachment style, etc.

Now if you come off as acting desperate to get married, then you are probably not ready.  I recently wrote about this specific topic in the post below….

How To Stop Acting and Looking So Desperate To Get Married

When talking about marriage, one needs to consider the question of timing.

In many cases, a guy’s sense of when to pull the trigger and make that final commitment is not always in concert with a woman’s view of when it is time.

A man’s sense of when to throw themselves completely into the act of proposing and getting married, more often than not, lags a women’s sense of timing.

One could argue that for some people, getting married is not ever going to be an ideal arrangement.   I guess I should write a new post about those sorts of folks in which marriage is something to run from or avoid or even to despise as an institution.  Don’t count me with that group.

But certainly there are plenty of good reasons to get hitched.  We are going to break those down in a little while.

is getting married such a good idea

But is there such a thing as wrong reasons for wanting to get married?

You bet there are.

Some cynical types would argue that getting married does nothing but give you headaches for the future and create all kinds of potential personal and legal issues.

As with all big issues of life, there will always be polar opposite views about the merits of doing one thing versus another.

If it’s a big enough topic, you will usually get some really crazy outlier views.

Consider these mind numbing quotes from some agitated folks:

 Marriage will be the ruin of all unless you repent. 

 Your wedding day will be your last happy day. 

 Marriage is a farce.  To love and obey is so old-fashioned. Keep your commitment out of the hands of those who want to legalize your love. 

 Don’t trust a guy who says he will marry you.  No man really wants to be married.  Most of them answer to the call of the wild, with one foot out of the jungle, and will spend much of their time chasing after other women. 

Marriage a women’s way of trapping you for life.  Be smart.  Keep your freedom and bachelor status are you will whipped into submission. 

Putting marriage on the trash heap is not my attitude at all.

The way I see it, it is a good thing to find someone you can share your life with (and vice versa).  It can help you grow, provide you with fulfillment, and also help you navigate many of the challenges of life.

Long attachment is a natural thing for us humans to gravitate to.

Marriage is a place where love, friendship, and deep attachment all come together.

I would argue, why walk through life by yourself?

Why not share the life experience with someone you love at your side?

So when people ask me about why they should get married, my usual reply is why not get married.  The entire journey through life can be a rough road if you undertake it all by yourself.

When readers, who have experienced issues with past relationships, assert they cannot find any good reason for why they should get married at all, my response is just because you struggled with a past relationship, does not mean that your relationships of the future will fail.

I remind men and women that it is easy to make mistakes in your initial choice of a relationship partner.

Figuring out how compatibility you are with a man or women is not fully understood.  Finding the right fit is far from a complete science.  One has to expect some failures along the way so you can learn what is important and what matters most to you.

Now I do agree that there are things you can do to limit your chances of choosing poorly.  It is true that not everyone you meet will be best suited for you. What is marriage material for some, may be a poor fit for you.  And conversely,  a poor fit for another suitor, may actually be an excellent fit for you.

There will also always be differences in maturity or a person’s suitability to be in a long-term, serious relationship depending on a wide range of changing variables.

That’s right.  I have seen cases in which two people were poorly aligned as a couple for various reasons.  But several years go by and later come into each other’s world again,  discovering that over time they have both been molded differently, shaped by experiences and attitudes which now bring them into closer alignment.

choosing your wife or husband correctly

Choosing correctly is key.  Compatibility is something you can screen for.  And there are dozens of right reasons to get married.

And I am not talking about legal reasons to get married, such as may be the case if a pregnancy is involved.

Nor am I referencing religious or biblical reason to get married.  Sure, I realize that people who are close practitioners of their faith may be persuaded to marry someone of the same religious belief.  While that usually is not a bad idea, it should not be among the primary reasons why you choose to make the plunge and tie the knot.

What I am referring to are the emotionally healthy relationship reasons  to get married.

For one, marriage is important in your life as it can help you with all of the challenges you will face as you navigate through.

Committing your self emotionally to another human being can provide tremendous fulfillment. To know you can trust someone fully and you have each other’s back is really important.  To be able to share different life experiences with someone you love and trust is what makes us the social animals we are.

Being able to join together with another person and bring another human being in this world, loving them and raising them is also an incredible experience.

But before we get way ahead of ourselves as we list out all the benefits of marriage, let’s make sure we understand the full picture.

Is Getting Married All That Its Cracked Up To Be?

my huge marriage mistake

If two people have thoughtfully considered all of the things that are important in choosing a mate and if these two people have invested time with each so they can measure how well they get along under different circumstances, then YES, marriage is most definitely all that it is cracked up to be.

But not everyone is ready.

And unfortunately, I have seen plenty of couples that were, for various reasons, ill prepared to make such an important decision.  Yet these same people fell into the trap of believing marriage would be the one thing that makes everything right.

Marriage is not a ticket you need to stamp just to meet someone else’s expectations.   I would argue that marriage is only something you do after you have had time to prepare for it.   I think one should give themselves every opportunity to know  just how compatible they really are with their boyfriend or girlfriend before they entertain making a life long commitment.

Just being in a relationship or getting married doesn’t mean it is destined to become something even greater than what it was when you first started your courtship.

Relationships don’t work that way.

Marriage, in and of itself, does not make you and your relationship partner better at being with each other.  Sometimes, particularly for those who rushed into marriage, later find all kinds of things about their lover that they wished they had known before.

Some men and women are simply not ready to settle down.  They may not have found the right person.  Maybe there are still many things in life they wish to experience and the fear of settling down will rise up as an obstacle. Some individuals are still afraid of letting go.  Their fear of losing  autonomy prevents them from getting serious.  Possibly there has been relationship difficulties in the past causing one to sour on the idea of fully committing to another person.

When you come at marriage from this perspective, then, “NO”, marriage is not the right move for you.

At least not yet.

If you harbor any serious doubts about losing your independence or if you have been stung by past failures, then it would be best to reconcile these concerns first before you make any plans to tie the knot.  If this is the case in your situation, then it is best you openly and honestly discuss this with your relationship partner so they understand your emotional response.

Otherwise, your push back about getting married won’t be fully understood and will usually backfire, potentially creating relationship chaos.

Why do I say that?

Well first of all, when I think of marriage, I think of two serious people who have invested time into each.  They love each other (as well as they understand this feeling) and know each other’s strengths and weaknesses.   Such a couple also wholeheartedly believes they are compatible.

Being compatible with someone is usually not something you will be able to know well until you have spent a good amount of time with another.  Until you have both been dealt some stress and hardships in your relationship, you won’t know just how well you are going to get along in various situations and environments.

Getting married is serious business.  It is not something you and your loving partner just do because it seems right.

Marriage is not going to necessarily make you happy if you went about the selection process haphazardly.

Such an approach could actually make you feel dissatisfied with a great many things if you got married for all the wrong reasons.

So what are examples of some of the wrong reasons to get married.

  • Choosing marriage because your parents are married and it just seems to be the right thing to do.
  • Getting married because your girlfriend is pregnant and you want to do her right.
  • Accepting a marriage proposal not for love but because you believe the marriage will provide financial stability.
  • Embracing marriage as a way to lock down a person heart.  The thinking is that even if they are not fully in love with you, they will learn to love you more.
  • Getting married to someone solely for religious reasons, family or peer pressure.
  • Choosing to get married because you confused the emotions of romance with deep love and attachment.
  • Deciding to get hitched because it seems to be the best way to consistently get sex from your partner.
  • Some men and women may feel tied down by their family situation or wish to escape.  Maybe the parents are not ready for an empty nest.  Possibly the home environment is stressful or your parent have curb your freedoms. In some instances, couples will pool their resources together just to get away from the grip their parents have on their life.
  • It is easy to fall prey to regular bouts of loneliness.  But that is no reason to get married.
  • Some guys and gals are tired of not being treated as an adult and will rush into marriage just to show “everyone” out there that they are mature enough to handle marriage.

At this stage of the post you may think marriage is horrible idea as there seems to be so many reasons why you should avoid it.  I realize some people think that I am arguing against the institution of marriage.

Believe me, this discussion is not intended to come off being anti marriage.

I just want to press home the point that a couple should not pursue marriage unless they have worked hard at being  successful in a regular relationship and when they do choose go forward, its for all the right reasons.

Why Should Men and Women Get Married?

the right reasons for tying the knot

So what might be some of the right reasons for men and women to get married?

It is a good thing to learn more  about the timing of when one should get married.

What might be some of the leading indicators that its time to get the ball rolling?

And is it ever OK to pursue a long term commitment with your relationship partner outside of marriage?

Society’s view on this topic has changed a great deal over the years and the negative connotations of  choosing to be in a long term relationship as opposed to taking the next step and getting hitched are far less judgmental.

People are far more accepting about whether committed couples are legally married.  Many people are more pragmatic about the merits of whether a loving couple should be married.

There are plenty of happy long term couples out there that are not married and don’t intend to take the vows.

So it should not be too surprising why some of my male clients will ask me, “why should a man get married these days?

They will ask me, “what are the advantages of not getting married versus the upside of being married?

My reply is that there are plenty of good reasons to get married.  But I emphasize they should not proceed unless they have arrived at the right reasons for their relationship as every couple is unique.

It is an interesting dynamic when women question me about the topic of marriage.

Where men seem to be looking for confirmation or possibly a way to slide away from getting married, women on the other hand often embrace the idea and wish to learn more about how they can help their guy with crossing the bridge.

Women often wonder what makes a man want to get married.

They want to know what it takes to get the guy to make that final leap.

There is an interesting phenomenon that sometimes happens between boyfriends and girlfriends.  The guy will spend his time chasing after the girl, hoping to win her heart.  Once they are an item and have been dating for while, the dynamics begin to change.  As an attachments begins to take root, it is the woman who ends up doing more of the chasing.   But in this case she is looking for the ring….looking for a long term commitment and a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage and possibly children as well.

Now bear in mind that I am talking in generalities.

Not all men and women follow these role patterns.  But my experience is that more often than not, the woman is more geared to try to advance the relationship to the next level.

Whereas many men are usually wondering why do women always want to get married so fast.

They are thinking, “what is the rush?”

I am not ready to get tied down“, they may rationalize.

I don’t want to lose all my bachelor advantages“, they may exclaim.

But nor does a guy want to give up the benefits of feeling connected and making love to his girlfriend.

So what do a lot guys end up doing?

They often just play it down the middle.  They will usually say they are not ruling out the idea of marriage, yet they will avoid or push away any serious conversations about the matter.   Just kick the can down the road is usually their ploy.

Men and women often come at this topic from a different perspective.

So what is the case for why men and women should be wedded?

Quite frankly, while there a number of reasons why men and women should not rush into marriage until certain things are learned and understood, there are several reason why couples should embrace marriage.

Here is my list of reasons for why women and men should make the leap and choose marriage over being forever single.

  • Choose marriage after you have lived with someone long enough to realize you know this person inside out and the two of you click on so many levels and you both feel a firm commitment to spend your life together.  Being married to someone like this is in essence creating a more secure future.  Now that doesn’t mean that if you don’t get married, he or she will bolt on you after an argument or conflict of some kind.  As mentioned, I have seen plenty of happy couples who did not officially tie the knot.  But sometimes, making the formal commitment to getting married to someone you love provides a psychological lift and symbolizes the commitment of your union and devotion to each other.  Marriage can further cement the bond between the two of you, thereby reducing the prospect of breakups.
  • Another good reason to be married is that it can make the two parties involved feel secure that they have each other and this union represents the beginnings of a new life.  It removes any doubt as to whether either relationship partner is uncertain or not committed to building the kind of life you each have talked about.
  • Studies have been performed on healthy relationships reasons to get married.  People who are married tend to be healthier and happier and live longer than those who are single.  The research overwhelmingly shows married individuals are more content, suffer less from stress and have less risk of dying from cancer and heart disease.
  • People ask me all the time why is Marriage important in life. Many of you will discover that being married creates a certain sense of peace and security.  It feels good to know that this part of your life is mapped out (at least to the extent we can see into the future).  Not knowing what our course is in life and who we will primarily spend it with can create a sense of being lost or just drifting through life.  Once you meet, fall in love and become attached to another person, then finally marry, your sense of purpose crystallizes.
  • Choosing to have children is an important responsibility.  Though you can certainly successfully raise children as a couple without being legally married,  most people feel better knowing that their child is being raised  under the institution of marriage. As the child grows older, it can be beneficial for the child to see that Mom and Dad are like everyone else’s parents…. happily married.  Now I am not a real stickler about conforming to every notion of how we should behave.  I enjoy being around free thinkers.  But for some children, as they grow older, the stigma of their unmarried parents not being like everyone else can be an issue.
  • If the love is there and you have spent enough time together to really know each other , then one of the benefits of getting married is the two of you will be able to pool your resources and tackle life together as a pair.  It is a beautiful thing when you are in love with someone who supports your aspirations.   Let there be no doubt, for many young adults navigating your way through life is a lot easier to accomplish when you are partnered with someone you really care about.  Your desire to share your life with the man or women of your dreams can be an exciting new journey.  It is really helpful to have a lifetime companion.  So long as you both set realistic expectations and strive to help each other with whatever pitfalls you encounter, then being together in marriage can be incredibly fulfilling.

Why Doesn’t My Wife Want Me Anymore

Have you been getting the feeling that your wife is not attracted to you?

You might be wondering “why doesn’t want me any more“?

Why would your wife fall in love with you and want to be with you emotionally, physically, and spiritually, but then as time passes, the connection just doesn’t seem to be there any longer?

Has sex with your wife decreased significantly or utterly come to a halt?

What is happening in your marriage when your wife often avoids intimacy and sex?

It can cause you to start to second guess yourself and her as well.

Does she no longer find you attractive?

Are you doing something wrong?

Is she going through some stage?

Is your sex life as you use to know it, completely over?

is your sex life ending

I get so many questions from men who are trying to understand “why doesn’t my wife want me sexually anymore?”

Or they will ask, “could she be cheating on me“?

In fact, on that topic, I recently wrote an article about when women get mixed up in an affair of the heart.  Take a look…

Is My Wife Having An Emotional Affair

It’s a problem when your lover doesn’t want to make love.  Sure, there will be times when the time isn’t right for her.

But when a guy tells me that he feels uncertain as to how to approach his wife and is sure his wife doesn’t want him to touch her anymore, there is usually something significantly wrong and the issues  need to be identified, understood, and addressed.

It is  tough when you come to believe that your wife loves you but doesn’t desire you.

So what should you do when your wife won’t sleep with you?

Can you make your wife want to make love to you?

Should you insist upon it, like it is her sacred duty to please your needs?

Usually when men talk to me about these matters they are eager for a resolution. But if their wife doesn’t want to be intimate with them anymore, the problem is seldom solved quickly.

What also matters is the nature of the problem between the couple.  One should not start throwing solutions at a problem until you have arrived at a solid understanding of what is exactly going on.

As a relationship coach, my approach is to seek first to understand not just the nature of the relationship and when the intimacy issues first arose, but also what form do these problems take.

does your wive turn you down

Does your wife frequently turn you down?

Do you and your wife have sex, but it is over with and done with far too quickly?

Rushing to solve problems usually bring about more problems or deepen the existing issue.

If you lash out at her for not wanting to be intimate with you, then you will likely compound the situation and never get around to understanding what she is thinking and why.

The effect of you grumbling and being critical of your wife’s lack of interest in having sex will usually create resentment and further divide.

For example I get a lot of complaints from men about their wives who they claim are depriving them of sex.

Chris,  my lady has turned against me and doesn’t want me sexually. My wife doesn’t like being touched by me any longer.  This whole issue came on gradually.  I don’t think she has some hang up as it’s not been a problem in the past.  I have not really complained or said anything yet, but it is becoming very noticeable from my perspective. I am thinking I should make a big fuss because it’s not right that my wife seldom wants to make love.

Hello Chris.  I have a question about the lack of sexual relations in our marriage. The down and dirty of it is my wife never touches me anymore.  She doesn’t seem to even care about my feelings or my needs and keeps coming up with excuses.  I know something is wrong. What does it mean when your wife won’t show affection and pulls away when I try to touch her.  It’s like she cringes when I reach for her.

My sex life sucks. My wife doesn’t really want to have sex unless we are both drunk and even then I can tell she just wants to get it over.  It wasn’t this way before.  Now I get a litany of excuses and frankly I am tired of begging for sex.  We end up fighting about it and I get all worked up and admittedly say stupid things.  I threatened her that I might just go outside of our marriage to get some and now she is completely rejecting me.  I am lost for what to do.

Reasons for Why Your Wife Is Denying You Sex 

is your wife unhappy with sex

So let’s get into it.

I don’t believe there is such a thing as a common reason for why your wife is acting like she doesn’t want you anymore.

There are all kinds of things that can happen and unfold within a marriage that can contribute to your wife’s decrease desire for sex.

Let’s call these things “triggering events“.

So when your wife seems to frequently push you away and demonstrates through her words or actions that she has no interest in making love with you, this behavior is usually caused by a one or more triggering events.

You can usually put these triggering events into two main categories.

These events are usually either things you are doing (or not doing) that causes her to withdraw her affection and desire to make love or the triggering events are these things that are happening in her life  (from her side of the equation).

What You Could Be Doing Wrong To Cause Your Wife Not To Desire You

what are you doing wrong sexually

I am often surprised at how some men are clueless to their wife’s feelings about a great many things and often these feelings can impact her desire to have sex with you.

Men and women emotional systems are engineered differently.

From your wife’s perspective, having sex is an expression of her many feelings and moods, driven primarily by your behavior.

Again, let me underscore, your behavior in its entirety and how you act and treat your wife is the primary driver to her wanting to be held, touched, and made love to.

This notion that your wife is reluctant to have sex with you because of her raging hormones or she is not in the mood is usually way off base.  Sure, men and women can have spikes in their hormones.  Our brain chemistry can impact our moods and desire.

But the triggering events for your wife will usually revolve around the emotional intimacy between the two of you.  If your wife feels loved and is treated with kindness and made to feel valued and appreciated, her desire to connect with you in a physically intimate way is greater.

Most wives enjoys the romantic process.  It is important through your actions that you demonstrate you understand her needs and appeal to her romantic notions.

You need to romance your wife’s mind, before being romantic with her body.

Men on the other hand are driven more by carnal desires.  Men don’t read romance novels and if they did, they would go straight to the page with all the sex.

So consider if your approach to having sex with your wife is heavy-handed.

Consider if you have invested sufficient time in appealing to those things that matter to your wife.

When was the last time that you really listened to her without interruption for a long period of time

Even the smallest act of love, kindness, or appreciation can lead to a romantic evening.

Emotional intimacy with your wife is a prerequisite to sexual intimacy.

Here is one such example….

We spent a quiet evening together as you suggested. She was pleasantly surprised when I ordered some nice meals for us to eat and lit some candles and opened some wine.  It is not something I usually do, but I decided to devote the entire evening to her and listened to everything she told me and encouraged her to share more.  I am not unusually this way but decided to be a bit more romantic without it coming off as fake.  I had no expectations of sex that evening and was happy to just make that night about her.  It was something she seemed to know instinctively.  Ironically, it was my wife who made the first move.  It turned out we made love and it was out of this world.

But it is not always about being romantic.

Men sometimes push too hard and can get too aggressive and vocal about their desire to make love with their wife.

That can be the fastest way to turn her off.

Remember, having sex with your wife is not an entitlement.  It is not something you have a right to have.

Having sex with your wife is a gift she offers you.

In her mind, having sex with you is a reflection of her own physical and emotional needs and sense of attachment to you.  She makes love with you, not because it is her duty, but because she gains enjoyment from the act.

If she feels compelled to do so, your love life will be one sided and lack spark.

Lovemaking in your wife’s mind is also a reflection of the love she feels from YOU.  She reciprocates this love by looking for ways to please you.

If this is not the picture of your marriage, then something is wrong.

If you exhibit far too many behaviors that are controlling or domineering, your wife will have less desire to please you and share intimate sexual moments with you.

Within the act of love is a powerful bond that holds two people together.

This bond is called trust.

So if there are trust issues in the marriage, your sexual relations will suffer. Without trust, a woman has no sense of security.  And it is difficult for any woman to desire you if she doesn’t feel safe.

If you want your wife to be physically intimate with you on a consistent basis, you best be sure she feel secure with you, her environment, and what might be going on in her life.

Sometimes after conflict, anger and resentment can linger.

If there have been many marriage battles, these little wounds can add up and as result impact your wife’s desire to make love with you.

So take a good look at your part of the marriage and the things you are doing to make her feel loved, safe, and fulfilled.

Are you doing and saying things that encourage conflict or do you take on the role of peacemaker?

What Might Be Happening In Your Wife’s Life That Could Cause Her To Avoid Sex With You?

is your wife struggling in bed

Stress and fatigue can affect whether your wife feels like having sex with you.

If she is going through an anxious period in her life or a lot of stress is bearing down on her, these things can get in the way of the brain chemistry that leads to sexual interest.

Another trigger that could lead to your wife’s lack of interest in you is her sex drive.

Sex drives for men and women can wax or wane.

While it is not always easy to quantify, given a person’s sex drive is not wholly independent of their partner, it can vary from person to person.

Husbands and wives can both experience changes in their desire to have sex given a host of variables including age, health, attitudes, and changes to their brain chemistry.

You have probably already heard that our brain is a human’s most important sex organ.

It is true and depending on how neurotransmitters are firing in the brain, your wife may be more likely to act on these hormones and move toward the sexual act.

How do you influence that?

This is where I need to emphasize the holistic nature of this discussion.  How your wife’s brain will fire such that she desires to have sex with you is largely dependent on things like the history between the two of you and what you may be doing or saying at the time.

Is your mere presence and smell going to cause your wife to be sexually stimulated given the right environment or will she feel repelled due to longstanding resentments?

The answer to that question goes back to the kind of husband you have been and whether you have been making the right deposits in her romantic brain.

It is impossible to have this conversation without also pointing out how an affair can impact your wife’s desire to have sexual relations with you.

If she feels like you have been cheating on her, she will likely not want to touch you or be touch by you.

Her active mind will roll over and over again the images of you with this other woman and you can be assured that sex is just not going to happen.

Even if she is completely off base about you cheating, her suspicions may  have aroused anxiety and uncertainty thereby causing her to reject you until the matter is reconciled in her mind.

Likewise, if your wife is having an  affair, you can expect that the frequency and quality of sex will decline.

It usually does not stop cold turkey as she also secretly fears you may find out or be suspicious as to why she won’t put out.

If your wife is having an affair, the guilt of cheating on you and the sense of loyalty to her new lover, can also cause her to shy away from intimate contact.

With all these confusing feelings your wife may just choose to opt out of any type of sexual activity with you and make use of all kinds of avoidance behaviors so she doesn’t have to deal with it.

it is also possible your wife could be engaged in an emotional affair.  This is a case in which your wife is sharing an emotional intimacy with another man.

While there is no sex involved, such a relationship can create close attachments and as result impact a marriage.

Closing Thoughts For Men Who Feel Rejected By Their Wife

talk with her to understand needs

I realize there is a lot to process here but before you assume anything or do anything, go back to first making sure you understand well what are the “triggers” to why your wife is showing less interest in you sexually.

If she truly doesn’t want you any more, then something has changed.

It usually isn’t just one or two things but often a series of events that have unfolded over time.

Getting to what is going on in your wife’s mind may at first seem to be an impossible task.

Often, when it comes to sex, people find it difficult to talk about things openly.

Sometimes couples are left to trying to deduce what is going on.  This problem is compounded if the trust between the couple has eroded.

But it is imperative that if you and your wife are going to turn this around, you need to create an environment where she feels completely safe in talking to you about this most difficult topic.

She must understand completely that despite what she reveals, you will be supportive and will work toward making things better for her.

Also, if you wish to solve this problem, you must remove the notion  that you are the “victim“.

There cannot be any sense of blame hanging in the air, otherwise whatever discussions you have will only serve to breed more distrust and fear.

Such a discussion should take place when you are both calm and are in a private environment where you won’t be distracted or interrupted.

Now, if you are certain the problem resides with your behavior…..that you are primarily to blame for her lack of interest because of some of the undesirable behaviors I discussed earlier, you should still open up and discuss the matter with your wife.

That doesn’t mean that all will be made good, but it is a first step and important to building trust.

And when we are dealing with your wife’s readiness for sex, building trust, as I described earlier, is critical.

 

Is My Wife Having An Emotional Affair

“I know something is different.  She seems distracted and happy and sad all in the same time.  At first I thought it was something I was doing.  But now I think she is messing around with some other man.  I am getting these little clues causing me to wonder if my wife is having an emotional affair. She is always doing her hair and makeup a lot more than before.  She has lost weight.  She won’t hold my gaze. My wife use to initiate sex a lot.  It’s not happening now.   Maybe she isn’t cheating on me. But something is off.  Maybe it’s just an emotional affair like I said.  But I am not sure anymore and I have to think there must be a way to find out what is going on without breaking open our marriage.”

These were the thoughts of a guy who was searching for answers as he could feel his wife slowly slipping away from him.

Was he right or wrong about his fear that she was having an emotional affair?

It turned out she was pulling away from him and there was someone new in her life.  Her sense of being neglected had led her to an affair of the heart.

So let’s talk about how some married women get caught up in their feelings for another man, gradually slipping into an emotional affair.

After all, that is how it usually happens, right?

wife feeling neglected

Your wife feels neglected and before you know it, she is prone to having an affair of some kind.

Well, it turns out that things are often far more complicated than one might think.

There is no cookie cutter way a woman will respond to neglect or any other problem that may exist in the marriage.

Let’s talk about some ways in which emotional affairs can develop.

In actuality, affairs of the heart can unfold in many different ways.

For example, a woman can strike up a friendship at work or at some other local venue. Perhaps it starts off very innocently.  Your wife can become acquainted with this other guy, then they become more friendly and a relationship begins to take form.

So when does such a relationship cross over into too much emotional intimacy?

This is not the first time I have written about this topic.

If you feel certain that your wife or girlfriend has crossed the line and is cheating on you, then you should take a look at this article a wrote a while back….

How To Know if Your Wife or Girlfriend Is Cheating on You

Most often your wife may not have a premeditated desire to strike up a relationship with the thought that it could lead to an emotional affair.

But for various reasons, your wife can become quite close (too close) with another man given all the right circumstances.

Usually there are some telltale triggering events.

Perhaps you and your wife are having issues in the marriage.  So she might be looking for an outlet to express her discontent.

Maybe this other man provides her emotional support which is lacking in your marriage.

Or it could be that there is a high level of chemistry and compatibility between your wife and this other guy.

But whatever causes this relationship to go beyond the normal acquaintance or friendship level, it’s existence can be damaging to the marriage in subtle ways.

But before we examine an emotional affair (or what is also called emotional cheating) further, let’s make sure we are in agreement about what it really means.

Is Your Wife Really Having An Emotional Affair or Love Connection?

is she cheating on you

An emotional affair as potentially experienced by your wife is when she feels emotionally and intimately attached to another man.

And emotional affair can also take on the form of an exceptionally close attachment due to a shared intellectual pursuit.

It can involve a teacher/student type of relationship or a form of mentorship.

Or it can involve a shared fascination with a certain topic or activity.

Now in all these cases, the things I have just described could fall well within the normal range of how a man and women would interact.

But in those cases in which these two people are spending a great deal of non work related time together or find themselves thinking about each frequently, the lines of what is normal and what is excessive begins to blur.

And therein lies the potentiality of problems for your wife’s relationship with you, particularly if there is weakness in the marriage and if her newfound emotional attachment with this other man is giving her great pleasure and fulfillment.

But with all that said,  it is more common for spousal emotional cheating to involve two people who are very close.  Though not lovers in the traditional sense, these two people share intimate conversations, secrets, worries, or desires.

They click when together and seek opportunities to be with each other more which accelerates the strengthening of their bond.

In fact, thinking of their relationship as a bond forged by a powerful need to be together to discuss things and experience things as a couple is a good way of understanding the chemistry found in most emotional affairs.

Sometimes an emotional affair is a precursor to a physical affair.

is your wife fooling around

If your wife is drawn to be with another man because she feels emotionally attached and if this bond is strengthening, then the next level up could be affection shared in the form of touching or other physical acts.

While there may not be any overt sexual activity between your wife and the other man, an emotional affair typically involves two people who care for each other deeply and may very well express love and appreciation for each other.

Acts of kindness and doing things for each other often mark such a relationship.

Usually when people think of intimacy, they jump right into the mindset that sex is involved.

They assume that two lovers have slept together to be intimately attached.  But that is not always the case.  And that is why an emotional affair of the heart typically does not involve the pure physical act of sex, whether it be intercourse, extended kissing, or foreplay.

If your wife is cheating on you with another man, but has not taken him as her lover, there is still a lot to be concerned about.

It is one thing for a wife to enter into an affair with another man, sneaking off to hotel rooms or other locations to have sex.  Such extramarital acts certainly can be destructive to a marriage.

She may care about this other man and their sexual liaisons may satisfy certain carnal desires.  They may even be exploring their brewing romance to the fullest and the sex act consummates some of their wildest fantasies.

Or it is possible your wife is simply making love with this other man because she has been drawn into an affair against her best intentions.  Obviously, there are many ways in which wives find their way into the arms of another man.

But it is a different dynamic if your wife gains pleasure, fulfillment and shared intimacy with another guy without surrendering her body.

While this type of affair may be different in form, the consequences can be harmful to your marriage, even more so if she has truly opened up her heart to this other guy.

So what are the typical things a guy wishes to know about this subject of emotional cheating?

As you can imagine, I get a whole lot of different inquires around this hot topic.

For example….

“Look Chris, I know she has male friends.  What I want to know is if she is thinking of getting involved more deeply.  She seems really preoccupied with this one guy, spending far too much time together. So what are the warning signs of emotional cheating in a relationship?  And how do I deal with my spouse’s emotional affair if indeed it is happening. Do emotional affairs ever stop without the husband intervening?  Is this going to be one of those situations where once it happens I am doomed?  Will I be left picking up the pieces wondering how to get over her emotional cheating?

Do you have any advice on texting and emotional affairs.  This seems to be her primary way of reaching out to this other man.  She keeps saying it’s just a work thing, but when does work friendship turn into emotional infidelity?  Do you have some kind of checklist of what to look for when trying to pick up on signs of emotional affairs at work?

 Hey Chris, what are the signs that point to one’s wife getting too close to another man?  She gets really emotional when I delve into it and tells me I am paranoid, but I read that a sure-fire sign of infidelity in a woman is when they get all emotional when questioned about having an affair.  

Is there a way to tell if your wife is cheating based on Facebook?  She is active on it and seems preoccupied with one guy in particular.  Look, part of me knows something is going down.  I don’t know if sex is involved but tell me what to look for.  What are the physical signs your wife is emotionally cheating on you?  I read all these articles about classic warnings signs of infidelity or adultery, but I really don’t know what to believe because you say sometimes the wife may not show any clear signs.  

 Look, I need to know how to deal with wife’s emotional cheating.  I just found out from my wife that she is falling for another guy.  She said she wanted to be honest and that there has been no sex.  She keeps telling me she is going through a confusing period in her life and needs time to work it out.  Should I forgive her emotional cheating and then what?  I am not sure if I can survive much loner knowing she is emotionally cheating on me.

 Chris, can you tell me how do emotional affairs typically end?  She said its over and that she learned her lesson.  Is it that easy or should I expect it could be revived or she might get lonely for this other guy?  She says that she is completely over it and does not need to go to counseling.  My wife says that she was just temporarily  emotionally attached to her work friend. I feel so stupid.  Here I am left coping with her emotional affair.  I am not sure if I can trust her.  

Dealing With Emotional Affairs

how to deal with wife's other life

So what do all of those questions I get from clients have in common?

While they had numerous concerns, the main areas they were exploring dealt with whether their wife was emotionally attached to another man and if so what should they do.

When a guy asks me to help them with their situation I like to first challenge their assumptions.

About half of the time, it turns out that these men’s wives were NOT having an emotional affair.

I won’t say that all these men were borderline paranoid or obsessed with their wife’s habits, but it is not unusual for a man to suspect his wife of cheating on him, particularly if he thinks she has been spending too much time around a certain guy.

In some of these cases, the husband was afraid or hesitant to even talk about his fears with is wife. He went right along suspecting her and convincing himself that she was secretly in love with another man, when in reality, his wife was just being her normal, extroverted and friendly self.

So I usually discuss with my clients my definition of what is an emotional affair and the different forms it can take.

I also warn them even if their wife is emotionally cheating, it may not be revealed by signs or behaviors she may exhibit.

I also talk to my clients about the way emotional cheating typically unfolds.

It doesn’t simply come into existence, like poof, suddenly your wife is giving up her entire heart to another man.

When it happens, it more often happens very gradually and usually there is a series of triggering events that helps the affair come into maturity.

Sometimes these triggering events occur at home within your marriage.  Perhaps the two of you have argued a lot recently.

Possibly your wife is dissatisfied with her sex life. So the fantasy bond she has created in her mind involving another man comes into fruition.

Sometimes, the trigger is your wife’s budding belief that her marriage is not fulfilling and her needs are not being met.

But these so-called emotional cheating triggers don’t always happen as a result of problems within your marriage.

Sometimes these triggers happen in the workplace or in a social setting outside of the house, even when your relationships seems fine.  We can never been certain of all the things that lead to two people colliding with each other in heart and spirit.

Triggers that can lead your wife to fall into an emotional affair can also happen on a social media platform.

Or the trigger can be linked to a previous romance your wife had before you were married.

That’s right.  Married women can still fall for their old flame given all the right circumstances.

Whatever might be the trigger or triggering events, the connection between your wife and this other man will usually unfold somewhat naturally and slowly over time.

An emotional affair is difficult to spot in the early stages because quite frankly, in many of these cases, your wife is probably not even aware that she is knocking on the door of potential emotional cheating.

It is only later, after your wife and this other guy have spent a good deal of meaningful time together, experiencing things and talking about topics they care and agree about, that the intimate affair takes shape.

This is when one can sometimes pick up on certain signs.  This is when you might notice certain hints that your wife is emotionally involved with another guy.

I covered some of these signs in an article I wrote a while back.  Give it a read!

Warning Signs That Your Husband Is Cheating

My Wife Is Emotionally Cheating on Me.  Should I Leave Her?

should we call it quits

The short answer is absolutely not.

It is not unusual for a married man or woman to draw very close to someone outside of the marriage.

It doesn’t always mean it is unhealthy.  And in some very mature and successful marriages, there are cases in which one of the spouses can end up having a very close and intimate, but non sexual relationship with another person.

Of course, it’s a different story if this relationship outside of the marriage threatens the quality of the marriage in any way or reveals a reasonable potential for the emotional connection to grow into a physical, intimate attachment.

Upon discovering the existence that your wife is emotionally connected with another man, the first step is to avoid being intolerant and blaming.

Seek first to understand why your wife was drawn into the emotional affair.

Is it due to some problem in your marriage?

Does your wife have difficulty drawing boundaries with other men?

Talk about it openly.  Encourage your wife to share her feelings, without fear of repercussions or reprisal.

Listening is important.  What is also important is being able to describe to your wife your feelings and concerns about the whole matter.

Couples will stumble.

It is the nature of relationships.

If you look past your own hurt feelings and avoid adverse and ugly reactions and genuinely seek to understand what happened, it improves the chances that you and your wife can work together to repair the marriage, seeking solutions and affecting changes in behavior.

But Chris, what if she is not sorry for what she did?  What if she wants to keep on having her secret special friend so long as no sex is involved?

This is when things get more difficult.

If your wife is unable to acknowledge that her emotional affair is damaging the relationship and that she has a right to having a close intimate, male friend, then it is unlikely this problem will go away by itself.

If you are unable to reason with your wife and gain her understanding that her emotional affair is a form of cheating and is risking the marriage, then I would ask you to go back to the drawing board and double-check to make sure your are not overreacting to what could be otherwise a respectable and healthy friendship.

Ask yourself these questions:

  1. Is this other man in your wife’s life creating emotional distance in your marriage?
  2. Do you and your wife argue about her spending time talking and being with this other man?
  3. Is there any evidence of your wife and her male friend sharing intimacy in the form of holding hands, excessive hugging, gifts that are too personal, etc.?
  4. Is your wife hiding facts about her relationship with this other man? Is your wife harboring secrets about the time she spends with this other guy?
  5. Has your wife changed her personality?  Is  she changing the way she dresses?  Has your wife changed her look?

If after taking in all the information, you still feel convinced that your wife has fallen into a pattern of emotional cheating and if multiple conversations about this problem has not provided a remedy, then ideally you should both agree to getting counseling.

Sometimes a 3rd party can help your you and your wife understand what is truly unfolding in the marriage and what can be done to make things better.