My Husband Doesn’t Respect Me and Is Selfish and Inconsiderate

Do you ever roll over in bed wondering how you ended up with a husband that is lazy and selfish?

The other day a woman named Leslie reached out to me.  Her story was about a marriage that was breaking apart at the most basic of levels.

It is more than reasonable to expect that the person you are married to will meet the minimum threshold of treating you with kindness and courtesy.

This is what we all come to expect before we even get married.  Treat me lovingly.  Talk to me like I am your equal.  Show me your respect and offer kindness at every opportunity.

love me tender

These are the pillars in which marriages are erected.  If those things are not happening with great frequency, why get married?

But what if after some years of being married you are left asking, “why is my husband so selfish and inconsiderate“?  What if you are left wondering if your husband’s insensitivity to your feelings is a reflection of more bad times to come?

If this is what is going down between you and your husband (or wife) then it is a bad place to be marriage wise.

Leslie share her story with me and it was heart breaking.

ARE YOU LOOKING TO GET PAST YOUR SADNESS?

I hate it when I hear these stories about spouses mistreating each other such that one or both of them revert to their uglier selves.

I know we are all capable of being “our ugly self”, but when it happens with great repetition in a relationship, it is almost always a harbinger of a looming breakup.

Leslie writes…

Chris, I am so glad you are out there to help us ladies who are stuck with men who show little interest in behaving themselves.  When things go wrong in my marriage, I am left fending off unfair accusations and other assertions meant to intimidate me.  My husband can revert to his worse instincts when troubles arise.  With very little provocation, my husband can be thoughtless and selfish, unwilling to show the respect and honor I deserve.

She listed out a number of things that she was unhappy about.

My husband does not respect my boundaries or my privacy.  It has only gotten worse through the years.  If he hates me that much, why stay around?   When he is wrong about something, he will get right into my face and try to shout me down.  It is a sickening display of my husband trying to be a brute.

Leslie is currently taking care of her small child.  Though she is a very capable woman, whose career has blossomed, she decided to take some time off to care for and raise up her child.

Her brute of a husband, as she described him, was OK with all of that in the beginning.  But he seems to have little appreciation for how hard it to do all of the things it takes to care for an infant.  In reality, we all know it can be exhausting on so many levels.

But according to her husband, she had it easy.

He would just throw it out there in the form of a cheap shot if he was unhappy with something, insisting her life was stress free.  He would pick arguments in order to debate his points.

“You just sit on your ass all day and meanwhile I am not seeing any progress with the kid.  When are they suppose to start walking.  Can’t you do more. What are you doing wrong all the time with his nap.  He never goes down.”

That is how she described the callous way her husband spoke to her.

Really cruel (and stupid) assertions about such things became a common complaint.

Such hurtful words, particularly when they are repeated over and over gain, can take a toll on one’s self-esteem.

Stop Picking on Me

I reassured her that it is just downright wrong and mean for anyone to disrespect a young wife who temporarily has sacrificed her career to focus on her child.

My husband does not respect me as a stay at home mom”, Leslie explained to me.  “And he is all too eager to talk down to me like what I do is so easy.  He has no clue and refuses to help when he gets home from work. All it get is complains.  Just a big mouth guy.  I call him Mr. Petty, because that is what he is.  A mean, petty guy.”

I don’t even know where to start.  I think he regrets having our child and has anger issues. It has changed our lifestyle for sure.  But I see my baby as a blessing.  He wasn’t this bad in the beginning.  I am really weary,” she said.

“He has me thinking I am not doing a good enough job or that what I say is hard and exhausting, shouldn’t really be that difficult.  One part of me understands that being a Mom at home is big time job.  But my husband’s tone can be so demeaning and his insistence that I am just awful at what I do really hurts and has me second guessing”.

Of course, since I have some experience with this as a father who works from home,  I know how incredibly taxing it is to care for a youngster.  It is a huge adjustment for any parent to make.

So I assured her that her husband was behaving in a very insensitive way.  I told her that if his selfish and inconsiderate behavior should persist, it did not bode well for the future.  But there were options.

Before we get into how to handle a self-absorbed and disrespectful husband, I want to discuss what a lack of respect might look like in different relationships.

What is amazing to me is that I often get questions from women who explain what is happening in their marriage.

Some of the stuff I hear is awful.  Sadly, these women are pushed around so much that their confidence and self-image suffers in a big way.

After hearing what they have to say – some of which are very sad tales – it would be fair to say this problem is not rare.

I have strong feelings about this topic because it one of the most destructive patterns that can take hold of a marriage.

I think of these patterns as Marriage Busters.

Let me give you some examples of how selfishness manifests itself in marriage.

What Does a Bad Marriage Look Like?

an unhappy wife

You are probably wondering what you should do when respect, courtesy, and plain old good manners has abandoned the marriage?

This is the question I posed to Leslie.

You might be wondering how to change your selfish husband, right?

It is not enough to tell me or your close friends that “my husband doesn’t show me respect anymore”.

It might feel good to get that out, I explained, but what is most important is how will you change his behavior, such that you are no longer being victimized by him being a bad boy?

We are not talking about him straightening up his act for a few days.  What is needed is an approach that jars your husband to a new reality.

You might say to yourself, “my husband seldom respects me or my feelings.

You might stay up nights fretting how to deal with being married to such an inconsiderate man.

But until he knows that he can’t keep behaving this way – that you are now adopting a zero tolerance policy –  he will just keep misbehaving, without any fear of consequence.

Disrespect and lack of consideration, these are the vices of selfish men.

If you are like Leslie, who came to me and explained how her husband made her feel small and insignificant, then I want you to know that you have options.

“My husband disrespect me in public and refuses to change”, she elaborated.

He gets his kicks out of belittling me“, she explained.

I told her what she had described was not just a marriage that was coming off its tracks, but even more concerning to me was that her man was exhibiting all the characteristics of a selfish, abusive husband.

There should be little room for selfishness in a marriage, particularly if you are rearing a little one.

Realizing that my outrage was coming across in a very visible way, she tried to defend her husband, explaining that he was under a lot of pressure and that perhaps she was exaggerating his outbursts to some degree.

He is not bad all the time.”

Of course, the cat was already out of the bag. She had spent a few hours telling me about her husband and his selfish and contentious ways.  So I led her down a little Q & A  marriage reality test.

Did he tell you that you were worthless, I asked?

She said yes.

Did your husband publicly humiliate you at a party because you were worried about the baby?

Again, she said yes.

Does your guy get his kicks by making fun of you?  How you look?  Your weight gain?   Your cooking?  You lack of experience in caring for your child?  Doesn’t he constantly pick at you?

In this case, I struck a nerve with Leslie.

It was the wake up call I was looking for because I have seen far too many times, some really lovely and amazing women feel ashamed and therefore downplay just how abusive their husbands can be.

She told me that the biggest negative fallout from her marriage was her husband’s insistence that he was always right and if you argued his points, he would resort to belittling you.  She explained that sometimes he would get right into your physical space.

I know the selfish husband signs when I see them, I explained to her.

And I also know that two of the top marriage busters are when men or women mistreat each other, expressing little kindness and showing little consideration of the other’s needs.

She asked me what was the other marriage buster.

I explained that it is when a couple is unable to honestly talk to each other about their problems in a spirit of truly fixing it.

To me, choosing not to respect your wife’s (or husband’s) perspective is the purest form of selfishness.

We are not born to be disrespectful.  We choose to be.

So how will a couple ever improve, if they can’t have a real conversation without it breaking down into intimidation tactics, shouting, and counter accusations?

I emphasized that if an honest communication bridge cannot be erected and crossed, then the two parties in the marriage become emotionally separated. In effect, they are trapped in a loveless marriage.

They become stuck in a relationship environment that leads them to more fights and more disappointment.

And it is that cycle that ends up busting the marriage wide open.

Tell Your Husband Your Story

a marriage story you must tell

So Leslie wanted to know what she could do to save her marriage.

I was honest with her and told her she first needed to focus on learning to love herself again.  I wanted her to cast away all those ugly assertions she remembers her husband making.  Throw them in the garbage as that is where they belong.

I explained to her a paradigm shift in her marriage needed to take place.

I told her she shouldn’t ask for respect and consideration, rather she should make it understood that mutual respect in the relationship should be a condition for the marriage to go forward.

She asked, “You mean I should threaten to walk out on him or kick him out if he doesn’t treat me right?

I told her that is not quite the approach I want you to take.

“But mind you“, I explained,  “if your husband continues to repeatedly turn to belittlement and sarcasm to knock you down, it will take something major to get his attention.”

Otherwise,  why stay together because by doing so you are enabling his behavior and making yourself miserable.

For Leslie, this was a hard ask.

She and her husband had long ago fallen into this routine where he too often disrespected her and  was getting away with it.  It seemed to happen in waves.  Not always, but if certain conditions were present, her husband retreated into his negative self.

I know he is selfish and I have told him to straighten up his act.  But after a few good days, something usually goes haywire and I end up having to deal with his outbursts.  I have almost just given up trying to change him and have resigned myself to this is the way he is.

I told her that it is not usually enough to ask someone to change, particularly selfish people, unless they realize it benefits them to do so.

None of us are perfect angels in how we conduct ourselves in our marriage life.

It is far too easy for any of us to succumb to our worse selves and allow our bad moods to just simmer over.

Not that this happens all the time.  It usually doesn’t.

But in some marriage couplings, this lack of being a good man to your wife (or a loving wife to your husband) can afflict the marriage far to often.

It can become a routine that a wife grudgingly just accepts as something they have to put up with, while hoping their husband’s mood will brighten in due time.

So I suggested that she write down, very clearly,  examples of when her husband shows disrespect and behaves in a manner that is inconsiderate.

Call it “My Zero Tolerance List“.

Write it down like a story of statements that you have about your husband’s undesirable and selfish behaviors. Pose them as questions.

You are going to read it to him.  You will also leave it with him to read on his own. Of course, this approach  may very well provoke a reaction.  And it’s not just words that you will be reciting.  Words, however powerful they may sound, can get swept away unless they can be enforced or unless there is something that stands behind their meaning.

So what leverage do you have to encourage your husband to open up his heart and recommit to better policing himself to behave better, treating you with the utmost respect and consideration you deserve?

It is simple.  But it could be hard.

And for some couples, it is the best choice.

Either your husband gets on aboard and commits wholeheartedly to the things you are asking him to do, are you will step out of the marriage for a few weeks to consider your options.

You can use those words – “step out of the marriage” – to underscore how serious and important this matter is to you.

Now this approach is not for everyone.

My recommended action is for a wife (or husband) who is suffering tremendously from the things we have been talking about.  If such is the case, then I do think a major intervention, such as this, could be beneficial.

Also, when you are writing all this down, I want you to talk about your husband in a past tense.

Think of it as having a conversation with yourself.  Psychologically, it will do you well to remove yourself from what you are saying as you are documenting it.  This will allow you to truly capture what has been going on.

Get it all down, however upsetting it may be to recount some of the examples.

Later when you read it out loud, you will have greater perspective as to where you and your husband stand right now.  It will give you greater pause to think about why this has been going on so long and why it is critical it comes to an end.

In effect, you are going to document the ugly words and actions that your husband sometimes undertakes and that you find upsetting, belittling, even revolting.

At the end of your story, you are going to make a simple and reasonable proposal.  You are looking for him to commit that he will cease behaving in this manner.

Your story, about whatever abusive or mean-spirited behavior you have been subjected to by your husband, should be told by way of declarative statements.

Think of it as an open diary.

The idea is that as your story is read, he will visibly see the pain his words and behavior can cause.  In a way, it is an effort to help him empathize which is often a problem in these situations.

Use a tone that is objective and reinforces you love your husband very much, but don’t pull punches as to the negative behaviors he has exhibited in the past.

Remember, this document is something you want to be able to read to him and it is intended to make a big emotional splash such that your husband realizes you are deadly serious and keenly motivated to change the status quo in the marriage.

It  could start off something like this.  You can even give it a title for effect:

Return My Loving Husband To Me

I want my man back

1. What possesses my husband of all these years to shout obscenities at me when things are going wrong?  It injures me and our marriage. I love him so.  But I know his behavior must end.

2. Why does my sweet love speak to me with mean and accusatory tones?

3. What am I to do if my husband continues to question my suitability as his wife? I too often feel inadequate and underappreciated because of the way he talks to me.

4. What happened to the man who never took me for granted and spoke to me as his dearest, most respected companion?

5. What is my husband thinking inside when he makes so many belittling and negative comments about me and my capabilities?

I will stop there with my example.  But be sure to end it with a declaration that you want your marriage to be better.

You get the hang of it.

Your story could consist of 20 declarative statements or however many it takes to paint the picture of what is going on inside the marriage.

Consider this communication tactic only if all of your past efforts to get through to him has failed.  Perhaps this approach will be his wake up call, helping you both to move the marriage away from failure.

I Want Out of My Bad Marriage But Am Scared and Have No Money

Today we are going to hear from Mary who feels like she is stuck in an unhappy marriage.

By her account it has been like forever since she has not felt any kind of love connection with her husband for a very long time.

But before we get to her story, I have a few opening thoughts on this topic of how to get out of an unhappy or bad marriage.

So what are you to do if you feel trapped in a marriage?

Are there surefire miserable marriage signs that you can look to that will give you assurances that the time has finally come to pull out of your unhappy union?

For those who have not faced a similar situation, it might be confusing why some women find it so difficult not to recognize when it becomes necessary to pull the plug on their marriage.

Sometimes we can miss what appears to be obvious unhappy marriage signs.  The reason being, we are too close to the storm.

One might think after hearing a woman’s sorrowful account of her pain and suffering that it should be easy walk away.

surviving a crappy marriage

But for any of you who have a taste of what it is like to feel trapped, it is evident that simply walking out and away from a relationship is seldom an easy decision.

It can be like you have two minds.  One might be saying, get out…get out.  The other is saying…maybe I should give it another try.

After all, how does one leave a marriage after 5, 10, 15+ years or  however long the couple has been together?

Time has a way of fusing us together, even if we are not right for each other.

What if there are kids involved?  How do you get out of a bad marriage when children are in the middle of the mess.  Just this component can be disabling, causing one to invest more and more of their time in a poor marriage.

What if abuse is in the picture?  But what if the type of abuse levied against you made you feel insecure, less confident and afraid?

What are you to do if you feel scared, even fearful about the whole prospect of ending an abusive marriage?

Stepping Away From My Fear of Him

What if you husband controls all the purse strings and all financial decisions go through him?

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard a wife tell me, “I want to leave, but I have no money and I just don’t know how I will survive.”

Then there are women who really feel so trapped they cannot bring themselves to head for the marriage exit door.

It is as if fear has gripped them so hard they cannot compel themselves to do the very thing they know is right.

Perhaps their husband is so controlling and domineering, their very sense of who they are and whether they have the capability of walking away becomes warped.

In other words, some wives can become so twisted with anxiety and indecision, mixed in with sadness and disappointment, they get stuck and waffle back and forth.

And how do you get out of an unhappy marriage if you don’t think you can afford it?

It’s not like money is falling from the sky.

And how do you escape your controlling husband if you feel frozen in fear or you are  psychologically stuck convinced you are to blame for everything?

The real bad husbands will do that to you.  They will beat you down to the point where you are second guessing everything, stripping away your dignity and self respect.

What are you to do if you feel like you are a prisoner to both your circumstance and the man you neither like or love seems to have this invisible hand of control on your choices?

Why Do You Feel Confused or Petrified To Leave Your Marriage?

should I get out of this mess of a marriage

Obviously, there are practical considerations one has to take into account. The business of calling an end to things is a serious undertaking.

It is hard to convince yourself to end the marriage when it wasn’t that long ago the two of your were close.   You did once love this man.  And it’s not like there has been a parade of bad marriage signs raining down on you for the entirety of the relationship.

It seldom works that way.  Marriages are fluid and are formed and shaped over time.

The feelings you had in the beginning of your relationship with your husband never entirely goes away.   And in a lot these cases, the husband is not always a rotten guy or the marriage didn’t start crumbling on day 22.

No, this is not the way a marriage unfolds in real life.  There are usually a lot of ups in the beginning.  Then some ups and downs.

And if you are in one of those marriages that is torn open, the down moments will come in waves, creating chaos.

And when chaos visits a marriage, it is really hard to get a grip on anything, never mind think straight.

So I understand the confusion that can grip you.

And I know that living and operating within a dysfunctional marriage is one of the hardest things for any woman (or man) to cope with.

I know that at one point during the marriage, you probably felt invested and wanted the relationship to work.

But when it began failing, as I alluded to earlier, the connection between husband and wife doesn’t usually fall apart instantly.

It’s not like the marriage fell off a cliff and suddenly you are just gripping to the edge of sanity.

Typically marriages that unravel do so over time.

I Am Tired of Being Afraid in My Marriage

When it comes apart at the seams, it is usually slowly.

You may not want to think about what may seem more obvious to outsiders.  Whether it is your sense of “hanging in there” or “working at it” that keeps you plugging along, just know that marriages rarely just end unless there is a lot of pain and heart ache.

In most cases, husband and wife will try to work things out.  After all, they have a lot invested in each other.

But sometimes they can’t work it out.

Perhaps that is not all bad.

Not all us are going to find the right partner the first time around.

If the couple has a chance of picking up the pieces and making the relationship work, then most certainly they need to do that and make every effort to make the marriage work.

But sometimes the routines of a bad marriage and staying the course creates this inertia that prevents you from seeing the bigger picture.

For some married individuals, getting off the marriage train wreck becomes less of a potentiality and more of something you just push out of your mind.

Some day“, you might say to yourself, “I am going to leave him“.  But the next day comes and you are back to being busy with life.

What Stops You From Breaking Away From Him?

time to get rid of my man

There can be legitimate and rational reasons that cause you to hesitant to leave.

There can also be psychological barriers that makes it more challenging to step away.

There can also be some highly personal reasons that contributes to a woman’s (or man’s) resistance to call it quits.

You might fear those whispers from others insinuating you failed at your marriage.

There might be concerns over the embarrassment it might cause you in your social circles.

You might be struggling with disappoint in yourself.  You likely had high expectations for yourself and wanted badly for the marriage to work.  If it is not working, even if you feel largely blameless, the thought that the marriage is doomed is a big emotional load to carry around.

Getting Out From Under Your Indecision to Leave Him

So what you need is a game plan on how to process it all and what actionable steps you can take to move forward to a better place.

What you need sometimes is to learn how to turn those cries of, “I can’t leave him” or “I don’t won’t a divorce, but I really do” into a calm and calculated approach to how you want to map out your life going forward.

Today we are going to hear from Mary.  We will learn about her story.  Then I will walk you through the  4 critical steps you need to take to successfully extract yourself from a horrible circumstance.

Notice I didn’t say retreat.

If things in your relationship are horrible and you are being mistreated, there is no shame in getting out.

And if fear and money are your biggest concerns, just know that there are ALWAYS multiple escape routes from a screwed up marriage (as Mary puts it).

Here is Mary….

Chris asked me to talk to you ladies. Being that there is no such thing as a bad marriage test, I had to learn the hard way that my husband was a scoundrel.  I know that now. 

I use to be weak and fearful that something awful would happen to me and my life if I rocked the boat.  Mind you, the man I was married to was a monster. It’s a really screwed up marriage. 

I use to hate him, but I now know that is all wasted energy. Looking back, I hardly even recognize who I was back then, putting up with all his crap.  He made me afraid on purpose to control me. My husband belittled me.  He got his kicks out of making me squirm and seeing that I was uncomfortable.  He demanded sex when seldom I had interest.  Zero interest in the last few months we were together which is what brought things to a head because we stopped sleeping together. 

If you are asking how did I know that I should leave my husband, then the answer is I never knew for sure I should or would until the very end.  And that is the thing I regret the most.  We have a four-year old and it is a blessing I have her in my life.  Maybe taking to Chris got me over the finish line.  But when you see everyday that you are bring up a little girl in such a toxic marriage, it makes the decision easier.  It took me a while to see that, but when Chris asked me what impact the marriage was having on my child, I couldn’t even talk.  Then it all snapped into place.

Were their unhappy marriage signs that I could point to that said, “Yep, we are finished”?

I guess not anything really big.  It was like once we got married he just started to think he could get his way all the time and he would pitch a fit when things didn’t turn out right.

I would be the one he blamed for whatever bad was going on in his life.  So, yes, there was a long time of negative problems just piling up on each other. 

Sometimes I felt trapped in my unhappy marriage, but couldn’t leave for a million stupid excuses I kept putting out there.

My family and my friends kept saying, Why?   Why are you still with him?  Why not just call it quits, you have tried, but he is not trying on his end and it’s be too long.  You both chipping away at making it worse.  

I took this survey Chris came up with.  I forget what he calls it but it was one of those figure out if you are unhappy marriage quiz.  I kinda knew what would be the outcome because every question was leading me to remember some horrible or hateful thing he said or did and those memories would be in my mind as I filled it out.

I think that was another turning point for me.  Everywhere I turned, I was getting feedback that, “No you are not trapped.  You don’t have to put up with his verbal crap or stay with a man you don’t love”

So, yep, looking back now, I see that I had all the unhappy marriage signs that point to you’ll get divorced soon if something dramatic doesn’t happen.

Foolishly, I kept waiting, hoping that my husband would change, become that dream guy I had hoped he would be.

It was never in the cards.  I see that now.

But I made the jump.  I guess it was more of a bolt.  Chris told me I needed an exit plan and I should have most everything lined up.  A place to say.  Some money stashed away.  A support system.  I had my sister and my parents and my friends to help me.  I am working, so while it’s not easy, it is so AMAZING to have a life with just me and my little girl.

I never realized how much strain I was under and how foolish I was for staying so long. 

Some people ask me if I felt guilty or if I struggled with the breakup of my marriage (note: we are not divorced yet, but I am working on that).  Once I decided, stopped thinking about it. I never felt bad. It’s like I didn’t look back and question whether I was doing the right thing by leaving him. 

Actually, I got really mad at myself for a few days when I realized how much I was missing out on by not leaving sooner. 

Things are different now. Hugely different. My mood is better. I feel free and I see through all his lies now.  My confidence is returning and I feel happy about coming home to my little place.

So yes, ladies.  You can escape a miserable life with your husband if you want to.  Wash away those fears and don’t let your husband intimidate you or put doubts in your mind.  Ignore him when he says you will be a lamb for slaughter.  Your guy will probably say a lot of cruel things.  Just shush it out.

I am getting by just fine.  Actually no.  I am doing fantastic.

4 Steps To Keep in Mind When Walking Away From Your Marriage

4 ways to get away from him

1. Take a Look at the Picture of Your Marriage

Often when you are in the midst of a troubled marriage, you can’t see just how bad it is.  You can get accustomed to certain behaviors that are highly inappropriate and while you can actually break free of the currents that steer the marriage, fatigue and uncertainty often take over preventing you from getting a real accounting of what has been unfolding in your married life.

To break out of this mold you need to talk to someone you trust that can give you an honest accounting of what they think about your chances if you stay.  Friends and family can sometimes help you with this.  But your best tool might just be what I call a Plus/Delta.

This is how it works.  List out all the positive things that your husband offers to you and your life.  Then list out all the negative problems that stem from being married to him.

Honestly evaluate whether the two of you have made sufficient efforts to work on the martial difficulties.  Ask yourself, what kind of self-help resources have you tapped into?

Have you pursued any martial counseling?

How long have the two of you struggled in your marriage?

These are the things you need answers on.  Now take all this into account and objectively ask yourself….will your husband continue to be part of the problem or does he have the potential to be part of the solution?

Answer that question, then you may be ready for Step 2.

2. You Need an Exit Plan

Getting all worked up and leaving in a huff and puff is hardly a solution.  More often than not, giving in to anger or turning the whole “I am leaving this marriage” into a drama is not the direction you want to go.

Your best results will come from planning and calculating what it is you need to get on without him in your life.  Maybe you are not 100% certain that you want to divorce him, but you can’t imagine spending any more time in that same house with this man because the marriage has completely unraveled.

Whatever the case, before you choose to leave, be sure to have a complete action plan.   When its time to get out….then by all means get out.

If later things change significantly such that you choose to revisit returning, that is always your prerogative.

Know where you are going to stay.  If you think your husband might get physical or violent, keep a close friend or even the police in the loop (e.g. restraining order).

You can arrange for a friend to be with you if that makes you feel safe.  You also need to plan for the practical things you will need such as your personal clothes and important documents.  Don’t worry about taking it all.  More than likely, you will have an opportunity to get the rest of the lesser important stuff or arrange for someone to pick it up for you.

Have an emergency backpack with essential items available to you if you need to expedite your departure.  You will also need to look at your finances.  Do you need time to save more money?  Do you need to move money around?  Will you need to borrow money?

Think through all these things and plan accordingly. Remember, your need to leave your husband could come faster than you think, so don’t put off having your exit plan in place.

3. Communications With Your Husband

What you say (if anything) to your husband and how you say it depends on your individual situation.  Ideally you will want to explain to your husband in person what you are doing and why.

But in some cases the husband might be a real jerk and could potentially turn the whole exit episode into a bitter fight, creating even more turmoil and bad feelings.

If you feel there is a reasonable potential for that to happen, then it may very well be in the best interests of everybody for you to first leave quietly, then communicate about your reasons later.

If your husband is shocked about your need to get away from him, then that says something about him right there.  If he is completely clueless and flabbergasted, then obviously he has been deluding himself.

If your husband frequently mistreats you and shows himself as a vile or vindictive person, you owe him no courtesy of explanation until you are ready and it should be on your own terms.

And whether that be a in personal meeting or correspondence or phone call or having a friend step into to deliver the news, that is always up to you.  Each of these approaches have advantages and disadvantages depending on your unique situation.

4. Once You And Your Husband Have Parted – It’s Time To Start Healing

Now you are out and away from the unhappiness that has plagued your life.  Don’t you think it’s time for some healing to start!

You have probably been through hell.  So be good to yourself and start in on a variety to things you can do to become the best version of YOU.

It’s not going to be an easy ride.  Despite all his faults, you have become accustomed to certain routines and habits.  Good routines can make us feel safe and tap down anxieties.

So some of the comfortable routines may be missing now.  But that’s OK.  Remind yourself that you can start new routines.  Remind yourself of the bad habits you slipped into or the uncomfortable routines you had to repeat in the other environment you were in.  Now those are no more.  Your tomorrows can be a whole lot better.

The past is behind you.  While it may still linger in your thoughts, it is the future you need to focus on.

Getting emotionally and physically healthy is important.  Getting engaged in new activities that you find fulfilling is critical.  I have written about this extensively that on this website, so feel free to explore.

Why Does My Husband Act Like He Doesn’t Love or Care About Me

Today we are going to hear from Kathy whose husband can’t seem to bring him self to find a kind word for her.  When things go south in their marriage, he resorts to name calling and assertions that he doesn’t love her and she doesn’t deserve him.

Do ever find yourself in a situation in which your husband acts in a certain way to make your feel unloved?

Does he act in a way that make you feel he doesn’t care to please you?

Is he ever so brazen or vindictive to tell you he doesn’t want you or feel for you in the same way?

sad times in marriage

A bit later in this article I am going to list out the 10 signs or things your husband might do or say that point to the possibility that his love for you is eroding, maybe even disappearing.

Sometimes these signs of dying love come in the form of constant put downs and cheap shots and other behavior that makes you feel he has nothing but disdain for you.

In some of the worse cases I have seen, it can be like he holds contempt for you and can barely stand  being around you.

Or he may accuse you of holding him back from doing and experiencing other things.  Taken all together, it can feel like he wants to wipe clean away all of the good times the two of you use to enjoy together.

I hear that a lot from some clients about husbands that cut them down in ways to make them feel like the marriage is headed for a wreck.

Sometimes the behavior from the husband is more subtle, but nevertheless piercing in the pain it can cause. For example,  “My husband just told me that his feelings for me have changed and he does care about me like he use to?

Or, “Chris, you won’t believe what husband said about me.  He thinks our love has grown old and it’s harder for him to care about me as he should.  I think it is big cop-out and something else is going on

Are you in a marriage where you husband can’t bring himself to simply tell you he loves you or worse, tells you the opposite….in other words he says he never loved you or has stopped loving you?

Perhaps the signs of his love simply just vanishing over time are to be believed.  What people say and do sometimes are backed by real feeling.

What If He Really Hates Me?

Just maybe your husband’s heart is not in the marriage because he has his heart somewhere else.

But let’s not move too fast.

I have seen plenty of cases where men try to convince themselves and their wife as well, that they don’t love them anymore.  A man can bend himself into an emotional pretzel trying to talk himself out of love.

I see this often when a guy is having an affair and is trying to justify his actions or feelings, not understanding either very well.  I have seen lot of cases of a husband getting caught up in an emotional and physical love affair with another woman and at the same time trying to convince himself that he must not be in love with his wife anymore.

But as it turns out, love is not really as fickle as some people try to make it.  People don’t just fall in and out of love lickety-split.

That sure doesn’t stop a husband from pulling away from his wife.  He can do it in all sorts of ways.

And it need not be an affair that causes your husband to act this way.  A man can withdraw his love or act like he doesn’t care for lots of different reasons.

Are You Married To a Cruel Husband Who Always Puts You Second

can your man get passed your past

Honey, I just don’t want you anymore. I am not the same person.  We have grown apart.  I need to do the things I want to do and you get in my way.  The love between us is just not the same.  You are like a sister to me”, her husband exclaimed.

That sounds cruel doesn’t it?  It sound like a cruel thing for a husband to say because it is.  A husband and wife should never talk that way to each other.

The whole notion that your husband is some kind of new person or has changed in some kind of meaningful way therefore you are not worthy of him is often a crock of bull.

Men or women who talk that way are most often just putting themselves first and putting their spouse second.

Talking this way to your spouse is not simply a bad thing to do because it is poor manners (which it is), but because it is cruel and destructive to the relationship.

When men often put themselves ahead of their wives’ needs or choose to constantly criticize their wife, they are not only showing a warped sense of love, but are likely exhibiting  anarchistic tendencies.

It seems some men can’t throttle back their anger or resentment and choose to reach deep into their bag of ugly wife tricks to try to emotionally injure their spouse.  It may not happen to some of you out there.  But I hear it a lot.

But do you know what I also hear happens a lot?

These same guys who are cutting their wife down in one moment, will try to quickly make up if they think it suits them.  Hence you get the old “back and forth” kind of husband who has a loose relationship with love.

I Can’t Stand This Any More

Now let’s get something straight here right off the bat!  I am not talking about the majority of husbands out there.

Most men understand the importance of expressing love to their wives and not withholding expressions of affection.  They are not mean or vindictive.

some guys are good

This article is aimed at those wives who suffer the pain of wondering if they will ever be loved in the way they deserve.  It is for those who are involved with a man who can’t fight fair and chooses to shoot low.  It is for those ladies who feel unloved, under appreciated, and unsupported.

It is for those women whose husbands some act in such a horrible, hateful way, they are left with the gloomy question of whether it’s still worth trying any more.

So let’s hear and learn from Kathy.  Here is her story and what she chose to do when her husband starting withdrawing from her, withholding intimacy, and failing work on the marriage.

What is wrong with my husband?  He gets mad at me and to hurt me he deliberately withholds his affection.  I see it in his eyes and the way he avoids me.  It is like no fight can be so small that he won’t try to get even with me.

Sometimes I think the truth is my husband has never been in love with me like I thought.  I am not even sure if I want to be married to him.  Honestly, the marriage is a mess.  Like Chris says, we make withdrawals from our trust in each other all the time.  And he is not depositing anything good into our marriage bank.

I use to think that if my husband didn’t care for me anymore, what would I do.  I would have these panic thoughts.  The fear of my husband not loving me or him deciding that I was not enough would royally screw me up.  It would utterly just disable me for days. 

Now I think differently about these things. I realized that he was never going to get to that place where I needed him to be.  I realized my husband was not going to be the loving and caring kind of guy I dreamed he might be or that I could turn him into.  So, yes, I deluded myself for a long time.  6 years to be exact. 

My husband and I went through all those stupid phases.  Once I was the love of his life.  He couldn’t have enough of me.  Everything he did was passionate and romantic, even over the top.  Of course, I soaked it all up thinking that everything he said was 100% true.

It was like crazy good.  Sex was hot and he just couldn’t stop telling me how beautiful I was.  While even those early good days had some nasty bad patches, we got through them fast and my husband would make it up and do something wild and exciting for me.

Part of me knew I was living on the edge of  his unbridled passion.  He was just that way and I went with it.  I always figured that our marriage would flatten out and we would have to work on things.  But I didn’t see this coming. I didn’t expect my husband would turn away from in all the important ways.

The Turning Point For Our Love

when things changed in our life

I mean we had problems. 

A couple of years ago, I had an affair and he found out about later.  It was stupid decision by me.  I happened after we had a particularly big blowup.  I stormed out of the relationship for a few days and slept with an ex.  But it was really short-term and I knew immediately it was wrong and I was jeopardizing my marriage.  It took him a few months to find out, but that is another story.

Maybe that is what the trigger that go us to where we are now.  I don’t know for sure.  He had a revenge affair on me when he found out about mine. Admittedly, I didn’t handle that well.  He was wrong, just as I had make a bad mistake.  But I had never been cheated on before and we almost lost the marriage a few years back because of this incident.

Perhaps neither of us really forgave the other.  With had some sexual problems during that time as well.  He had some difficult with following through on sex with me.  It would upset him and he would then blame me and then new fights would emerge, followed by us both dredging up the past.

So our relationship has been rocking along like this for a while.

But just about one year ago, his enthusiasm for me started to really flatten out.  There were some issues with work and our marriage was going through these ups and downs and he was getting medicated for mild depression.  Then out of the blue he started telling me that we don’t work as a couple anymore.  I pressed him for whether he was cheating on me again.  He denied and if he is, he’s covering his tracks pretty good.

Part of what he was saying was true and I knew we both did things that negatively contributed  to trust and intimacy issues, but I would get upset with him because he just seemed to not want to try.  It was like he was looking for ways to bail out of our marriage and I wasn’t ready for that.

My husband would say stuff like he loves me, but he is not in love with me.  I mean really, what the crap does that mean?  How can he be so sure that he is no longer in love with me.   I would tell him he was being over dramatic and that he is letting his passions run amok.  I would tell him that he was trying to project on to our marriage like we were in some kind of movie where the lovers were doomed.

We would argue, then he would say stuff like he knows all the signs of when a husband truly regrets having married his wife and that he fits them to a tee.

So many stupid things  come from his mouth.  He reads everything and falls for stuff I think. 

We Damaged Our Relationship When We Forgot to Care For Each Other

forgetting to care for each other

Then we would take turns blaming each other. It was like neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage.  My husband would blame me for ruining his life.  I would blame him for screwing up mine.  And we would just keep saying hurtful things to each other.

I mean this didn’t happen everyday.  But I would not be exaggerating much when I tell you that I am at my wit’s end.  I am not sure if I can tolerate any more hurtful words from him.

It’s like he wants our marriage to fail and doesn’t want to work at making it better.  Almost like a marriage death wish.

I even told him that.  I said, ‘you are trying to screw us’ aren’t you?  

Now my husband  says stuff like let’s just put the marriage out of the misery.  I know what he is doing.  He wants to break up.  And I know what I am doing.  I want to prevent the split up.  I am not ready to let it go.  Obviously he is which make me more suspicious that he has someone waiting for him on the other side of separation and divorce.

You see, I don’t believe he knows what he wants.  He keeps telling me he doesn’t love or care for me like he should.  Hearing that hurts, even though I don’t totally believe him. 

Part of me has lost respect for him.  He can also stoop way too low sometimes  Just recently, my husband told me he can’t stand to be around me and that sex with me reminds him of the affair I had.

Now I know that has been a problem for him.  I cheated and I was wrong.  But it happened years ago.  I asked him for forgiveness a long time ago and at that time, after a long while, he finally said I was forgiven.  He even wrote down in a poem and we got along for a spell after that.

But often my husband  just can’t let things go.  So what do you do when your husband of several years tells you that sometimes he can’t stand you for the things you have done and he isn’t sure if he still loves you?

It makes me sick that he turns everything into such a drama.  Just let go of it, I tell him.  He agrees, then he falls right back into his victim world.  Honestly, I think he needs therapy because some of his obsessive hangups are poisoning our marriage.

So after talking with Chris I agreed something meaningful needed to happen to completely change the direction our marriage had taken.  I chose to follow through on the very thing my husband wanted. 

He kept saying we are not working as a couple and that he doesn’t know if we will ever work as  couple again.  So I decide to give him what he wanted.  A way out.

I told him that neither of us were happy and that our marriage was a mess due to a lot of reasons.  I told him there was a cancer growing on our marriage and that was having a horrible and devastating effect.  I suggested we take a 30 day break away from each other so we can both begin the processing of healing.  

Some of the words I used in my discussion with my husband, Chris gave me, but most of what I told him came from my heart.  I was wounded.  My husband was in pain too. 

We both agreed to try talk about our relationship again in the future but not before he moved out temporarily and we both committed on improving ourselves.  Then we would meet to explore whether our marriage and all the good times we have had together was worth trying to get back.

Right now I am in the healing stage.  I am trying some new things out and while I miss the good parts of my husband, I am relieved that I am no longer in an environment where I feel bad about myself and am always feeling like I have to snap back to protect myself. – Kathy K.

 10 Signs That Your Husband May No Longer Love or Care For You in the Same Way

we are lovers no more

As you can see, Kathy is on both a personal and relationship journey.  She still has some work to do.  Both of them do.  Their marriage is very complicated and there are a number of issues they still need to work through.  So let’s wish her well and I will keep tabs on her.

Meanwhile, if you find yourself wondering if the same or similar kind of thing could be happening in your marriage with your husband, let me at least offer you the benefit of what you might want to look for that can clue you in on whether your husband is truly falling out of love with you.

Honestly, there is no perfect list of Signs that can reliably prove that your husband cares less for you and your marriage is headed for a wreck. There is no “my husband is tired of me quiz” that has 100% success rate.  Every relationship will go through some bad times.

Just because the two of you are fighting and ugly words fly back and forth doesn’t mean that it’s time to learn to say goodbye to each other.  The marriage is not necessarily all over just because you think he has stopped loving you.

Far from it.

What you think he feels and what your husband actually feels around the question of love, are not always in agreement.

Your husband may openly question his love for you, yet not even realize the depth in which his life and love is interwoven with your own.

But if you are trying to put together clues that your husband’s heart is no longer in the marriage, consider these behaviors.  If your man is behaving in many of the ways described below, then you may very well have some serious work ahead of you.

Remember, any one of these events, if taken singularly, does not point to the demise of your marriage.    Even if 3 or 4 of these kind of things are happening to you, it doesn’t predict the two of you are on your last legs.

It may simply point to areas of the relationship you both need to shore up.   Don’t forget, a marriage, particularly those that have been around for years, have a lot of built-in traction and staying power.

So let’s get on with.  What are the 10 Signs that indicate your husband thinks of your differently  –  that he doesn’t love you anymore – or that his love for you is changing, drying up.

  1. Your husband has had multiple affairs or continues to cheat on you and he knows that you know about his indiscretions but doesn’t respect you enough to stop.
  2. The man your married is now telling you that he has fallen in love with another woman and that he no longer feels the same way about your marriage.  Just like that he wipes away with that one utterance all your faith and trust.  While you still find your husband’s words unbelievable, he leaves you reeling with this revelation and makes no effort to soften the blow.
  3. Your guy seldom wants to  work on the relationship.  He seems to have little invested interest to make things better and blames you for everything that is wrong with the marriage, with little regard for his own poor behavior.
  4. You and your husband in the past use to talk about everything but for some time now, he seldom wants to talk to you or listen to you.  It is like he is somewhere else and when you complain about it, he does little to change his behavior or gets upset that you keep bringing it up.  It is as if someone has turned your husband’s passion meter completely off and there is nothing left over for you.
  5. He treats you in an abusive and cruel way, using both verbal abuse when provoked and emotional detachment when he wishes to punish you.
  6. Your husband’s emotions are all over the place.  One day he loves you and says lots of sweet and wonderful things; then the next day he can’t stand you and behaves badly and tells you he is not attracted to you.
  7. He keeps telling you that he doesn’t like you or have fun being around.  He seldom remembers important days like your anniversary or to give you a card or gift on your birthday.  Your husband avoids doing things with you and always seems to have an excuse for what he can’t be with you.
  8. He doesn’t want to kiss you or hold you and seldom does he initiate sex.  When the sex is over, he can’t get away from you soon enough.  There little in the way of cuddling or talking and sharing.  The act of sex is mechanical and over with without you being fulfilled.
  9. Your husband acts like you are not even there.  You have become the invisible woman and if he is not outright trying to avoid being around you, he hardly notices you when you are right there
  10. He doesn’t want to sleep with you.  He would rather be alone by himself than be with you in bed. He insists he can’t sleep with you for any number of reasons.  Maybe he complains about snoring or gritting of teeth or that you twist and turn too much.  Or maybe he insists that its him that is bothering you, so he is going to do you a big favor and let you have the bed all to yourself.

In our next article, I am going to talk about how you should go about making sense of these dying love signs and if indeed you should take them seriously.

In other words, is your husband going through a phase?

Is all his talk and actions a big smoke screen because he is hiding some ugly truth?

Could he have actually fallen in love with another woman?   How do you go about weighing the importance of each of these signs or hints that your husband’s love for you could be drying up?

Tune in for my next few articles on this topic to learn more about the sometimes confusing world of love and marriage and please go down to the comments an ask any questions you have or if you have a story you wish to share, I would like to hear it!

My Wife Keeps Threatening To Leave and Divorce Me

Relationships have a way of running in directions that you never expect.

Today we are going to hear from a guy named Clint, whose wife is threatening to leave him due to his anger problems and maybe even divorce him.

We will hear out his story and then explore some of the typical things you should consider doing when the wife is making threats of leaving you.  I am not talking about casual threats, but really intense threats that have the appearance of possibly coming true.

she sick of me and walking out

So I hand you off to Cliff to get a piece of his story….

Hey there, I am Cliff and Chris asked me to write some lines.

My wife has never threatened divorce before.  I know she is mad at me and she has good reason.  I am not the perfect husband, though I have never threatened to divorce her when I get upset or grow bitter.

I guess I suck at the marriage game.  I move through life pretty quick and am really independent, so I know I step on her toes sometimes.

We have known each other for six years and married for two years.  I can kinda go crazy when I don’t get my way.  The other day I just started yelling at her and I guess that was the final straw, once again.

That’ our other problem.  She keeps blowing up at me.  Almost weekly now.

She is telling me that she should get a lawyer and is threatening to sue me for emotional abuse.  I don’t think you can do that unless you are parting ways.

I sure am not ready for that to happen and I know she still loves me.  But she is pissed at me and I know that because she is pulling out all the stoppers.

What exactly is she saying you ask? Let me give you a rundown.

First my wife threatens to leave with our child.  I know she doesn’t mean it, but the sound of her voice tells me she is serious and I need to get my act together.

Then my wife threatens to cheat on me.  Now that is just her trying to get me upset.  My wife is a looker and she could have anyone she wanted.  But that is not the kind of woman she is. 

What To Do If You Suspect Your Wife Of Cheating

But look, I know our marriage is a bit messed up, but it works.  Neither of us have cheated on the other.  Our sex is great and I am not going to lose her.  But she is starting to scare me with her talk.

Now my wife is threatening to call the cops and make me leave.

I am kinda getting tired of this.  Now that I think about it, my wife likes to throw this stuff in my face.  She freaks me out with these baseless threats in the moment, but then later I realize she is not going  ever follow through.  But I never really know if this time it’s going to be a different outcome

I mean she gets so upset, all red in the face and it sounds pretty real to me at the time.  It’s like we are on some endless merry go round.  When we argue about whatever, she throws divorce in my face.  I am seriously getting sick of it.  It’s like she uses me as her relief valve.   I do little something wrong and if she is stressed she take it all out on me dredging up every single thing I may have done wrong in the past.  There is no fair fighting in this house.  

I am not such a bad husband but if you listen to my wife, she will have you convinced I am some kind of bully.  But look man, she is winning most of these battles.  Huffs and puffs, lets me have it, then leaves for most of the day making me wonder if she will come back.

Yep, that’s what’s going down here.

So what I am looking for is some advice or some steps on how to make sure my wife does truly leave or divorce me.  Better yet, if there is some way to just get her to stop making these threats.

Look, I am not a menacing or frightening husband.  I don’t beat my wife.  If anybody is hostile, it’s my wife.

So shoot me whatever good advice you got.

5 Things You Need To Do To Ensure Your Wife Won’t Be Leaving You

get in touch with the present moment

As you can imagine, I had a good amount of advice for this individual.  Part of challenge was helping him get more in touch with the moment from her perspective.  I will explain what I mean by this later.

As you can see from his description, he is far from the perfect husband and I when I got into the down and dirty of all their problems, I told him he needed to clean up his act.

I didn’t tell him that to side with his wife because there are some issues there.  But mainly I wanted to give him a wake up call that somebody needs to lead the way.  And right now, both spouses were acting like victims.

When You Feel It All Collapsing

After I cut through a lot of his crap, it turned out most of the threats from his wife were levied more from a defensive posture.  Sometimes it is helpful to be frank with certain guys who struggle with understanding how their treatment of their wife could be the origin of their troubles.

This particular individual seemed to think it was OK to keep doing things in his normal fashion.  But good marriages don’t work that way.  There should be give and take and growth.  But if one makes no effort to solve the underlying problems….and both of them had faults….then little progress will be made.

You see, marriage improvement does not stem from practicing the same behaviors because not all behaviors are healthy.  If you act like a bully and think you can get away with it without consequences, then you can expect that your wife is going to strike back.

So I started talking to him from a 3rd person perspective.

If you find yourself wondering why she is so hostile towards you, ask yourself if it is possible the entire problem does not necessarily stem from your wife freaking out, I told him.

Just maybe, the husband bears some of the responsibility of the deteriorating marriage.  This was the challenge I had when I was coaching this gentleman.  He had little motivation to accept that he was part of the problem and could be part of the solution.

When all that exist is mainly finger pointing, with each spouse blaming the other; then the couple are both playing a zero sum game.

So I told him, “you are a wonderful and faultless husband and it is beyond me why you married such a witch“.

Of course I was being sarcastic to try to get him to see that there was little to gain in playing victim.   He didn’t want to hear that but sometimes it takes a neutral party to show someone how they are being perceived.

I told him the husband bears some responsibility when the wife is having a meltdown.  It is never as simple as the wife is all wrong and the poor husband is the victim.

And vice versa.

There are plenty of women who want to blame their husband for all that is wrong with the marriage, but are reluctant to take a look at their own behavior and how it contributes to marriage unrest.

So let’s say you are in a situation that is rather hostile.  Let’s say your wife is becoming unglued or often directs her rage at you and you are worried sick that she is going to do something rash. Like leave you forever.

Here are 5 things you should try doing to regain control of the environment if you find yourself in the midst of a marriage meltdown.

1. Try Telling Your Wife Calmly That You Love Her Completely and Don’t Want Her to Leave – Then Shut Up

loving your wife

Sometimes all your wife needs to hear is some nice, soothing and loving words.  And you better say it with measured, deadpan honesty or she will see right through it.

Sure, if she is really upset with you and making threats of walking out, you probably won’t see her calm down immediately.  Particularly if you have taken a defensive verbal posture.

But trust me.  Those words of yours will make a mark.  It will make an impression on her in that very moment, but you won’t see it.  She will hold it in.

It will also make an impress in her subconscious.  There can be a million things that can arouse her anger.  Some of us can be really moody.  Some of the issues a couple  may have with each other could even be petty.  And some of these angry thoughts your wife is having could be very much justified.

Working through all that is for the immediate future.  But right now, you and and your wife are in the here now.  You are in the present moment and are facing a very angry wife, right?

So what I am saying is if she hears with her own ears you telling her in person, to her face, that you love her dearly and want her to stay, it will register.

But it is critical you stop talking after you say this.   Any more words from you will waste the moment.  Let her unwind.  Give her a chance to have her say and listen to every word she utters.  Empathize.

Show positive body language demonstrating with earnest that you care about every utterance of your wife and every syllable she is speaking.

This approach to communication may not solve everything in that moment, but it will give you and your wife a platform to launch an effort to try to work things out.

Don’t forget, in the here now, you are trying to put the flame out.

Remember, your goal is not to cure the marriage right there, right then.  You are trying to talk your wife off the ledge and get her to come back down to earth and open up so she can see you listening about her concerns.

2.  Calmly Tell Your Wife You Understand Her Plight and You Will Be Willing To Leave For a Spell

give her some room

Again, use a calm voice when you talk to your wife about whatever is going on.  If you mirror her anger or frustration or rage, you both are going to meltdown and all you end up doing is hastening her desire to leave you….to walk out.

If things have gotten so bad that the talk in your house has spilled over into, “Honey, I am leaving you.  I am sick of you.  I can’t stand to see your face again”, The sooner I leave the faster I can divorce you.”

If your communications have descended to that level of discourse and you feel your wife has declared war and wants you out of her life come hell or high water; then you best oblige.  But only for the short-term.

We Are At War With Each Other

Think of it as a reprieve. You are leaving but by her staying in the house, you still have some control of  eventually getting the marriage back in some type of working order in the future.

That is a lot harder to do if she has rushed out of the house, muttering obscenities and talking about lawyers, separation, and divorce.

3. Set Aside Your Pride and Tell Your Wife Bluntly That the Marriage is in Intensive Care and Ask for a Reprieve

trouble in paradise

Sometimes a husband’s biggest vice in working through problems with their wife and marriage is their pride.

Sometimes it can be hard for any of us to accept their is trouble in paradise.

Living inside your pride can cause you to ignore the problems that are all too obvious to your wife.  It can also blind you to the real problems with the marriage.

So if the meltdown of your marriage is occurring right in front of you, don’t waste another moment.  Acknowledge out loud, without blame in the tone of your voice, that the Marriage is in big bad trouble.  It’s like you are speaking in 3rd person.

Tell her in the most calm and supportive voice you can muster that the marriage is beyond sick and is serious need of emergency help.

Tell her you think outside help is needed because neither you or her are able to render a cure or solution to the marriage yourselves.  For whatever reason, you have both lost your way.  Tell her you want to find a Marriage Counselor you both can visit and start a process of ending this nightmare.

Your wife needs to see you “get it” and that you understand the problems between the two of you have risen to a point where you are afraid you both are going to lose each other and that there could be a lot of collateral damage.

Only then will you be able to shock her out of the notion of throwing in the towel and leaving you.  Acknowledge to your wife that all of her threats of wanting to leave were warning signs and now you see you waited too long to take them seriously.

4.   Try to End The Chaos of the Moment By Slowing Everything Down

slow it all down

So what the heck does all that mean, you might be wondering?

It’s simple and pretty deep and works at a psychological level.  If your wife is irate and is threatening to end the marriage and you are fearful that she might actually go through with it, then you need to act, but do so in a certain unusual and interesting way.

How do you expect you will normally act?

Well, most husbands freak out when they are in such a situation.  Most people do.  Typically a guy will start getting excited and then frantically try to talk their wives out of leaving them.  Bear in mind, in many cases, it takes a lot to drive a woman to a point of making threats.  So we are already on some shaky and troublesome ground. The angrier the wife gets and the more accusations that get slung at you, the more defensive you will likely be.

And when your wife’s anger meets your defensiveness, guess what happens?

Nothing good, right!

The entire environment becomes combustible and the two of you stand a really good chance at blowing apart the marriage in that moment.

So you need to act against your nature.

You need to use the technique of mirroring.  If you talk slow and walk slow and choose your words carefully, speaking quietly and in measured ways; then your wife will subconsciously start to slowly, over time mirror your behavior and demeanor.

Your goal is to bring the level of intensity down a few notches.  Little is solved in moments of great passion.  But a lot can be ruined in such an environment.

Nothing good will come of the two of you allowing things  to become all twisted up.  So take the lead and slow things down.  If your wife insists that she wants to leave, then you need to call upon the inner yoga that is inside you and bring calm back into your world and hers.

5. Buy Some Time – You Can Make Progress If you Encourage Your Wife To Simply Wait.

waiting for calm

Sometimes things are moving so fast than it is a blur.  You have got to slow things down.

Start off first with using a little reverse psychology by agreeing with everything she is saying.  I know it sounds crazy and may go against the current of truth.  But your most immediate goal is to find a way to reach into the rationale side of her mind.

Most likely, if she is throwing threats at you, she is living in right side of her brain…the emotional side.

Now I know some of what she is saying could be hogwash and simply not true or at best misleading.  But remember, you just need to try to buy time for the best interests of the marriage.

Then tell your wife that You have it coming.

Maybe you do.

Maybe you don’t.

But say it anyway. Take the sword.  You are a tough guy.   And once again, I warn you, if you are going to eat your words and take the sword, it better pass her truth detector.

Tell her you are not going to fight her on what she wants.  Don’t try to talk her into staying.  So now you are taking her side.

You understand the angle here, right?

So then simply tell her that she should wait until tomorrow before she packs and leaves or wants you to pack and leave.

Explain to her you understand she is physically and emotionally exhausted, just like yourself.  So let tomorrow be the dreaded day when their marriage officially ends.  Put it that way, using words like that.

This may have the effect of actually causing your wife to (1) become less angry and intent on leaving you that very moment and (2) start to doubt if separating or divorcing you is really the best thing to do.

Is My Marriage Hopeless or Worth Saving

Today we are going to hear from Sally who has been feeling rather hopeless these days.  She has been married for eleven years and is now seriously questioning whether her marriage is worth saving.

Being involved in a long term marriage and feeling hopeless and questioning whether your relationship is worth saving can be emotionally debilitating.

You spend many years cultivating what you think is going to be a lifelong commitment to a man you fell in love with.  But as the years go by, instead of the love between the two of you growing and blossoming, what if you find your marriage filled with a continuous series of heartaches and disappointments?

Does this kind of life sound familiar to you?

Can Your Hopeless Marriage Be Saved?

looking for help with her man

Is there some way you and your husband can put things back together?

At the time of this writing you may feel desperately at loss as to what else you can do.  You may have tried everything to turn the relationship around.  You may have sought out counseling in the spirit of getting your hopeless marriage restored.  Perhaps you and your husband have had hundreds of heart to hearts over the years.

So what are you to do if you have invested your heart and soul to make your marriage work, yet you look over the years and realize the two of you have essentially gotten nowhere?

Troubled Times With Hubby

And now you have reach a point after years of trying to making the marriage salvageable that you are ready to throw in the towel.  You might even wake up almost every morning wondering when is a marriage really over and whether you should continue to invest in this man who you once found irresistable.

You might even turn to the Lord to help you through these troubled times in the form of a restoring marriage prayer, but to no avail.

You may have even tried meditation as you sought relief and even turned to fasting for marriage reconciliation (note:  Honestly, I am not quite sure how that works, but it has to do with you both committing to and experiencing something difficult to inspire you to join closer together)

But despite all your best efforts, it just seems impossible for the marriage to be restored to those earlier years when things were almost always more light-hearted and conversation was easy and free-flowing.

As you think about the many years you and your husband have been joined together, you can’t help but hold on to a thread of hope that there must be some way to solve the puzzle of how to restore your marriage and fall in love again.

You may have even heard of testimonies from people who have restored their marriages after adultery and that has given you hope.

The Story of One Women’s Marital Woes

feeling trapped with her guy

You see, that is what happened to Sally.

She has been having a rough time of it.

For years, her marriage has deteriorated for all the common reasons like lack of communications, increased conflict, and a poor sexual connection.

Sally was also disturbed by her husband’s unwillingness to make her feel loved, valued and important.  There was little time spent together or talking about shared values and interests.

What Happened To Our Connection?

The years seemed to have just ticked on by and he acted like he had either tired of her or just did not want to invest any of his time with her.

He had gotten all wrapped up into his work and his other commitments and now it seemed like she was living with a ghost of the man she once met.

Are You Married To A Man Who Treats You As the Forgotten Wife?

the lost wife

Sally’s man wasn’t all bad. There were redeeming values. He was a good provider and great father.  In the past, he would occasionally make efforts to listen to her complaints.  He would promise her he too wanted things to get better between them.   But she said it was all a pipe dream.  She complained he was all talk and just said that to put her off.

She admitted that sometimes, the connection between the two of them would actually improve for a few weeks.  He would demonstrate he cared about doing little things she appreciated.  But eventually, his regular routines would resume and she would yet again become the forgotten wife.

When Sally first told me that  “my husband is giving up on our marriage” I could see she was not ready for it to end.  But she was intensely frustrated.  She said he no longer was even trying to go through the motions.  He was not even trying to meet her halfway on working out their problems.

So for many months she has been plagued with the question of how to know when it would be time to leave their marriage.  She certainly wasn’t feeling the love.

She sensed she was just clinging to the habit of being married to a man who no longer loved her.

A New Lover Enters the Picture

a new man in her life

She had met Bill, her new lover, by happenstance at a party she had attended at work.  He too was married and was going through a really rough patch.  He had confided in her that “my wife is giving up on our marriage and I really don’t know what I want to do”.  She immediately felt connected with Bill.  His predicament mirrored her own awful marriage situation.

Being with Bill was like being in love again, she said.  He was good to her and she felt fulfillment.  But she was confused because she still loved her husband.

So with my help, Sally came up with a plan because she was determined to make on last ditched effort to save her marriage.  She still loved her husband and feared that she was losing him.  As we worked through her true feelings she acknowledged that all this talk of her marriage being hopeless and not worth saving or fighting for stemmed from her sense of futility.

She knew she was acting out partly because she was angry and sad and disappointed with her circumstance.  Not to mention that being in love with two men was confusing.  But she also came to understand that nothing good would come from living in a world trapped between two men.

For something to change, action must precipitate it.  So together we came up with an action plan that she could turn to help her navigate what to do next.

If your situation is anything like Sally’s, then this plan will likely hold some merit for you as well. Give it some consideration.

The 5 Steps To Saving Your Hopeless Marriage

turning it all around

1.  Clean Up Your Attitude: How can you be sure your marriage is over?  You can’t be.  So the first step is to clean up your attitude.  Now I realize that you are probably going through some really tough times and I am sure it is taking a toll on you in all sorts of ways.  That certainly could explain a depressed emotional demeanor.  But one central element in overcoming any negativity that may surround you is to remind yourself of all the positive things you have going for you.  Leading with a positive attitude is key to the next steps you should consider taking.

2. Consider a Relationship Wake Up Call:  If you feel  “my husband has checked out of our marriage” and is just not taking any of your concerns seriously, then you should consider a wake up call.  Now what do I mean by that exactly?  Well, it depends.  Let’s say you suspect your man is cheating on you.  Is there a time when you should give up on a marriage after infidelity?   If the affair is still active and he has yet to own up to it, then perhaps it is time for an intervention.  What do I mean by that?  Sometimes to bring things to a head, you need to employ some creative ways to save your marriage.  Or maybe it’s not an affair that is triggering your despair. Maybe the two of you are prisoners of a broken marriage filled with negative habits and routines.  If that is the case, then consider breaking the rotten marriage mold.

Consider telling your husband that you are taking a mini vacation for a few days.  Pack your stuff and get out and away from what you think are his lies or his lack of commitment to work on the marital problems.  Tell him you are seriously questioning the viability of your marriage and need “alone time” to process how you feel about things and what might be next.  Leave it vague.  Let him chew on it. What you are also doing though is taking some time for you self to heal and to think.  Chances are that he may soon start talking and taking your concerns a lot more serious.

3. You Need To Get Centered: How can you know when your marriage is really over?  Are there signs your marriage cannot be saved?  Is the uncertainty of what you should do driving you crazy?  Are you paralyzed with indecision as to when to throw in the towel on a broken marriage?

If you are thinking all these things and more, then it is time to get an accounting of where things stand.  Chances are your view of the whole marriage situation is clouded.  You have heard of the saying, “you cannot see the forest for the trees“, right?  Well, you need some alone time to air out your thoughts.

Go some place that allows you a real opportunity to be introspective about what has been transpiring for all this time.  Is it really as bad as you think?  Is your feelings of hopelessness, triggered by depression or an unrealistic expectation for how your husband should be acting?  The short answer is your husband is probably a far cry from what you need to complete you.  But right now, you are likely trapped in a web of emotions.  So get away.  Go somewhere that allows you to find yourself again.  Think of it as a retreat for yourself.  But you are not retreating or quitting your marriage.  What you want to do is get away from all the chaos so you can objectively think about the strengths and weaknesses your husband brings to this marriage equation.

4. Weigh Your Husband’s Strengths and Weaknesses:  So while you are on your personal retreat and getting your emotions centered again, take advantage of this period where you are seeking some emotional balance.

It’s time to take a hard look at the course of action you wish to take.  But you can’t do that unless you know if your husband is going to be an ongoing catalyst of your marital woes or if he has the capacity to bring about change and work with you to discuss and solve the problems.

So what you are going to do is a Spousal Plus/Delta.  While this exercise may sound fancy, it is actually a common sense way of figuring out what you really want and if your current marriage partner can help you get there.

I don’t mean for this to sound so clinical.  Obviously we are talking about your life and your future. But if you are confused about whether your marriage is worth saving, then you need a process to help you see the bigger picture.

Write down on a sheet of paper or flip chart what it is you want from your marriage.  Think of what you  want your marriage to look like in the future. Imagine an ideal future state of what you marriage would look and feel like if all the right pieces came together.   Then ask yourself honestly what strengths, skills, and competencies your husband offers that can help you arrive at that future state.  On one side of the chart list out all of the Positives.  On the other side of the chart list out the Negatives.

5. Act With Conviction:  Now that you have gotten away and found a little internal peace, you should have arrived at some conclusions as to whether you want to stay on the marriage track you find yourself on.

At this stage, you will have thought through carefully what has transpired between you and your man in the past.  You will have taken the opportunity to assess realistically if your husband’s weaknesses outweigh his good points.  You will have evaluated objectively what you believe to be your husband’s capacity to change based on past events and his expressed level of desire to acknowledge the problems and work with you.  Taking all this into consideration, it is time for you to make a decision about your future.

Summing It All Up

putting it together

Let’s clarify one thing to make sure we are on the same page.

At this juncture of your marriage where things seem hopeless and you are seriously questioning if you want to invest any more time in the relationship, you should have already exhausted efforts to get marriage counseling.

Hopefully your husband agreed to work with you and a Marriage Coach to try to right the ship.  If he chose not to, then obviously that was probably one of the items you listed on your Plus/Delta chart.

Let’s assume he was not open to counseling.  Not all guys are open to this sort of thing.

Then hopefully your husband was open to sitting down with you in the past to work with you on improving the marriage, whatever the problems.  That would have been a “Plus” on your chart.

My point is that don’t take the drastic step of separating or divorcing unless the two of you have made multiple good faith efforts to find a remedy to your marriage problems.

But don’t be afraid to pursue separation if the differences between the two of you have gone unresolved for a long period of time.  Separation, while sometimes emotionally painful, can be part of the solution.

So if your marriage life feels utterly hopeless, then recognize that is a sign for you to begin a process such as I described above.  Then act on your own findings and the best advice you can obtain from trusted friends and relationship authorities.

 

 

 

My Ex Wife Is Trying To Destroy My Life and Marriage

Today we are going to hear from Jim who is clearly having some ex-wife problems.  He seems convinced that his ex-wife is determined to break up a new relationship he has with a woman he met at work and eventually plans to marry.

He feels like he is in a toxic, no win marriage.

Is he paranoid about his wife’s desire to destroy his life?  Could he be exaggerating about some of his ex wife’s antics?

Or does he have a point?  Has his ex decided to make him miserable out of spite? Is there something he can do to get his ex wife off his case?

not feeling strong

Well, we are going to take a look at all that as well as  how things ultimately worked out.

You will discover that getting closure is not always an easy thing to achieve, particularly after a contentious breakup.  And while he failed in coming up with his own solution on mending the fence with his ex-wife, something else happened that brought some hope to his life.

So let’s get started with Jim’s tale as told by the man himself….

My ex-wife and I broke up some time ago.  It has been rough going ever since.  She is convinced I dumped her and ran out of the marriage.  It is more like I was trying to escape.

I am convinced my ex-wife is trying to destroy my life and my relationship with a new woman I have met.  I plan to marry this new lady and all hell is starting to break loose simply because my ex is jealous and spiteful.

I Just Want To Move On

I never though this woman, I once loved dearly, could be so vicious. Look, I am no angel, but I don’t think I am the bad guy here.

To say that my ex is livid about me moving on, is an understatment.  The woman just won’t let go of the past and apparently she won’t let me go either.

I am not quite sure what to do about this.  She seems intent in tormenting me and wrecking my new relationship.  The lady I met and have fallen in love with is a decent woman and doesn’t deserve this.

Let me tell you, my ex-wife knows all the tricks on how to ruin a guy’s life.  Perhaps I am sounding bitter but sometimes relationships don’t work out and I just want her to accept this and move on.

She doesn’t really need me.  She is financially stable and can stand on her own feet.

This whole thing with my ex is messing with my new girlfriend’s head.  I can tell my girlfriend is getting thoughts of bailing because of all the drama.

I think my new girlfriend’s perspective about this triangle we find ourselves in is that it is fast becoming a real crap show.  All she thinks about right now is how to deal with her soon to be husband’s ex-wife.  I am afraid I am losing her with all the crap going on.

How My Marriage is Tumbling Down

my marriage is messed up big time

In the beginning of our marriage I was living in the dark.  I was denying what was plainly clear to me if only I would look.  The problem is my ex-wife is a a control freak.

Everything has to revolve around her and when it doesn’t she pitches a fit.  That is one of the problems that led us to come to hate each other.  I know I shouldn’t say that, because hating your ex-wife is no way to live.  But the crap she is  creating for me and my girlfriend is messing with both of our heads

Now my new girlfriend is stuck with a guy who can’t seem to rid himself of his old relationship, with reminders of it every day.

I know that can’t be a healthy way to get a new marriage off the ground.   We haven’t even talked serioulsy about dates and I think it’s because my ex wife’s insertion into our lives.

I am at lost at how to address these toxic ex wife issues.  I have read that when this sort of thing goes on and on, it can take on the form of what is called toxic ex-wife syndrome.

Recovering From Toxic Relationships

This is when your ex-wife emotional boundaries become stretched so far and wide, she feels she has a right to make life hell for you.  She obsesses over you and everything you do and inserts herself into your life long after you have ended things with her.   To make matters worse,  one’s wife can damage or ruin relationships you try to form with other women.

This is what was what was going on in my life.

My ex-wife was showing up at my place uninvited and insisting there are things we need to work out.  How one goes about dealing with an ex-wife who thinks she has a ticket to walk right into your home and then just start carrying on about everything on her mind?

On some of these occasions, my lady friend was with me and it would get awkward quickly.  My girlfriend would leave, feeling confused and uncomfortable that she is in the middle of something.  My former wife would act like I invited her and just carry on like everything was fine between us.

Later I would explain to my girlfriend what was really going on and she would accept it, but I know there are some trust issues now which is what my ex wanted to create.

I simply didn’t have the patience or emotional energy to deal with my ex-wife’s games and all the problems she brings into my life.

wife playing with my head

She can get hysterical to the point where I really worry about her sanity.  Then she can get angry and strike out at me and my new girlfriend, hoping to split us apart.

At first it didn’t work.  My new girlfriend is a real gem and super understanding, but she also a sensitive type and I know this was taking a toll on her.  I confess, it was also getting to me.

So all this stuff my ex-wife was pulling  weighed heavily on both me and my new woman.  She didn’t invite this kind of chaos into her life.  I am pretty sure she would not have chosen to be with me had she known my wife was wired this way.  She often told me I married a witch.

That what Peggy (my girlfriend) called her.

Things really got out of hand when my ex-wife took new aim at sabotaging my relationship with Peggy and started sending personal communications directly to  her.

They were threatening or anything like that.  But should would act like there was a minor emergency and needed to contact me or she would try to start a conversation.  Or should would leave an unintelligible text meant to confuse her.

Of course, I really freaked out when I heard this was happening and confronted my ex and the whole episode turned into an ugly mess full of lies and denial.

So how to you deal with an ex-wife who is so desperate and resentful, they are willing to hurt you by attacking your girlfriend?

Why won’t some people just let go.  She has known for months I wanted a divorce and agreed it was best.  But her actions are not consistent with what she previously said.

There is not a day that goes by when Peggy insists that my ex-wife is not just trying to ruin our relationship but really needs psychological help.

But I worry about the toll all this is taking on all of us.

Just the other day Peggy was telling me she finds herself constantly anxious.

My former wife likes to create public scenes that makes everyone uncomfortable.  She showed up at my girlfriend’s kids baseball game, knowing I would be there so she could talk “finances”, but nothing of the sort happened.  She just impulsively decided to drop in on us.   Then she used the opportunity to get angry about me doing things with Peggy that I had not done with her.

She just won’t let go and what makes this tough for me is I know I contributed to some of what is happening now.

I convinced her just before we got married that I would aways be there for her.  She was head strong in some ways, but also needy and often need assurances.  It made me feel good to know that I could look out for someone and be their rock.  I must have told her a thousand times I would never leave her.  She was always looking for reassurances and I happily provided them to her.

So I guess she become emotionally reliant and dependent on me. At least there was too much of that happening.  I know now that was not a healthy relationship.   No one person should have to completely depend on another for their fulfillment.  I mean bad things can  happen to any of us, but we have to be able to bounce back.

I guess it would be fair to say my ex-wife is a clinger.  I help create that.  But clinging to the past that is no more is not healthy.  I told her this a thousand times but it doesn’t seem to make a dent.  She was in denial.  Still is.

So my ex-wife struggled with much of that and now it seems she lives with anger and resentment.  She is going out of her way to take it out on me.

With my new girlfriend entering the picture, her anger has just ramped up.  I have told her she need to move forward without me.  I want her to be happy for me and I want to feel she is going to be OK.  But right now, none of those things are happening.

How To Deal With a Vindictive Ex Wife

getting flattened out by my wife

I thought when I first got married, things would all work out.  But they didn’t.  We had serious problems and after about 18 months I was miserable.  I felt like I had been run over.

I couldn’t give her what she wanted.  I would get upset because I felt like I had to constantly butter her up and satisfy her huge ego needs.  She was both insecure, but expected to get everything her way.  It’s hard to live this way.

At first I was shocked when she acted like this, but later came to learn this was her way of getting attention.  So there was often a lot of friction and false accusations and just way too much drama.  She suffers from a mild case of being bipolar and her mood swings and impulsivity has not helped our marriage

Sometime I can’t handle it and would disappear for a few days to blow off steam and just get away from her.  That just made things worse because it fed into her insecurity that I didn’t love her.

After a while the relationship just got confusing.  I wasn’t sure I loved her the way I should.  I was looking for ways to escape.  I was unhappy.  I know she was miserable because she was picking up on my behavior.  We went through a period where neither of us had sex.  I suspected that she had some flings that didn’t work out.  She was sexually aggressive when I met her, so that wouldn’t surprise me.  And by this time, I didn’t care anymore.

To make a long story short, I met a new co-worker and we started getting close and a love affair unfolded.  I thought it was time for a clean break and told my wife I wanted to separate.

All of that was hard and there were tears and anger and uncertainty on both sides.  A real emotional roller coaster.  But after a week, I was out of the house trying out my new situation.  Of course she came to learn about me dating another woman and didn’t take it well.

I don’t think people really know what it’s like to have a vindictive ex partner.  I try not to get pulled into the mess, but sometimes her antics at trying to destroy my life is too much to take and I say things I regret later.

She tells me I am a narcissistic, selfish ex husband.  In my mind, I am just trying to survive and move on and she is the one that the whole world must revolve around.

She constantly needs to be reassured and thinks she knows everything about my new relationship and how it is going to fail.  She is so self-absorbed and jealous, I don’t think there is a kind bone in her.

A spiteful ex-wife is the last thing I thought I would be dealing with when I first got married.  I knew she was a handful when we got married and stupid me thought her ways would bring some zest to our marriage.

While there was some of that, it’s not been worth it.  I felt like she was suffocating me and  I had to get out.  But that move has triggered the full force of her anger and hostility.

How Did I Get My New Life and Marriage Back

happy times with my new girlfriend

I thought I would never get past this hole I was in.  I had left my wife and found another women.

My ex-wife was livid with me for not trying hard enough, but I was convinced I did what any reasonable guy would do in my situation and when I saw that we were so poorly matched on so many levels, I bailed.

But I didn’t start-up an affair until after we were separated.

Unfortunately, while I was willing to move on, my ex-wife wouldn’t let me go.  I am pretty sure she didn’t want me back in her life given the things she said to me while were separated, but when she found out that I was falling for another woman, it was as if a switch went off.

So for a few months it was hell.

What may have finally brought some closure was something I never expected would happen.  My new girlfriend was freaking out a lot because of all the friction my ex and I were experiencing.  She eventually decided not to see me anymore.  She moved out.  She knew I was not going back to my wife, but she said she didn’t want to be with me until I resolved the issues I had with my wife.

Then she did something unbelievable.   She called my ex-wife and spoke to her a long time.  She told her that she love me but was unhappy being with me due to the chaos and therefore did not want to be part of something that was unfinished and was broken.  She was referring to my old relationship with my ex.

My girlfriend told my ex-wife that she told me that I needed to bring final closure to my previous marriage and it was unfair to my ex to leave her hanging with uncertainty.  I had been dragging my feet on going through with the divorce, not because I wanted to go back to my wife but I just didn’t want to deal with the hassle.  But apparently, that may have had the effect of giving my wife false hope or so my girlfriend thought.

My girlfriend told my ex that if she truly wanted me back in her life, she needed to learn to forgive me and herself for the mistakes  made in the marriage.  She encouraged my ex-wife to meet with me to discuss bringing final closure.  Closure would be either reconciling and getting counseling or agreeing to get divorced so both parties can move forward.

Somehow, she convinced my ex-wife that nothing was going to improve for all parties involved so long as everyone lived in this uncertain relationship situation.

She explained that what would be best is either make a clear break from each other, ending communication so both could heal; or we should try to make the marriage work somehow.

As it turned out, my ex-wife had no intention of ever getting back with me again.  She was impressed that this other woman had deferred to her to take control of the situation.  I guess that fed into her ego and sense of controlling everything.

As it turned out,  my ex was  getting tired of toying with my efforts to rebuild my life.   While I don’t think she was ready to forgive, she seemed to know that carrying on like this was damaging.  It evidently was becoming too much of an emotional drag on her.

After some heart to heart discussion, we agreed to pursue divorce and limit our contact to just the necessary things.  She even told me she liked my girlfriend and could not understand why she fell for me, but hoped it would work out for her.

The she told me not to do to my girlfriend what I did to her because she didn’t deserve that.  I just kept my mouth shut.

Obviously, I didn’t agree with her premise, but I sure was not going to rock the boat.

So things are looking up.

I feel like I have a life plan.  My new girlfriend and I are cooling it for a while until my wife and I finalize the terms of our divorce.  We do see each other, but have not moved in together.

My first marriage is not what I thought it would be.  Maybe I am not good at getting it out the first time around.  But I learned a lot.

For those of you contemplating it, be sure to know your partner inside and out.  Live together for a spell.  Make sure you can tolerate each other’s weaknesses. It helps to have common values.  Don’t carry grudges and get over your fights.  Don’t let them linger as they will poison your relationship.

 

Why Is My Husband So Annoying and Impossible To Live With

Today we are going to hear from Vanessa. She writes to me about her husband who she says is sadly annoying and nearly impossible to live with.

Do you know the type?

I am sure some of you out there may have occasion to wonder why your husband annoys you so much.  You might be thinking right now about some of those annoying husband habits that he just can’t seem to shake.

You may even have convinced yourself that your husband annoys you on purpose.  Does your guy have a devious streak in him?  Let’s hope not.

living with an annoying man

Indeed, it may have reached the point where you find it nearly impossible to be around him.

What should you do if the fabric of your marriage is being torn by annoyances that seem to mount day by day?

Let’s let Vanessa weight in on this topic.

Vanessa wrote to tell me, “Chris, my husband is obnoxious and manipulative.  I am convinced he is a control freak and I get easily annoyed by him all of the time.  He knows how to push all the wrong buttons.  He doesn’t even try to change.  I have given up on how to get my husband to be less annoying and overbearing.  I have come to accept that is the way he will always be.  Married and stuck with a lousy husband.” 

The Irritating Husband Syndrome

can't get out of bed blues

 

It can be tough when your husband’s manner causes you to want to lie in bed all day long.  Some days, Vanessa could hardly bring herself to face her situation.

Now Vanessa did tell me she has some of her own fussy little habits that seem to unnerve her husband as well.  Frankly, when she offered up some examples, I really didn’t understand why her husband would get bent out of shape over such things like double checking if the doors were locked or  often sanitizing the kitchen counters.

I told her I thought her husband was just picking at her.

Is Your Husband a Louse

But we are not here today to talk about annoying wife habits.

I am sure I could write quite a lengthy article on how to deal with a difficult wife.  Women are certainly not immune to this problem of creating a little chaos.

For the guys reading this post, just know your turn will come and in the future I will be weighing in on some of the problems you may be having with your wife.

But today, I have chosen to focus in part on Vanessa’s problem and how I helped her deal with her husband’s idiosyncracies.

I guess we could call it the Irritating Husband Syndrome.

Are you plagued by a husband who can’t seem to stop doing those little things that is aggravating or is unnerving?

Has your husband’s personality become annoying and irritating lately?

Or has your spouse always been this way such in Vanessa’s case, “My husband always irritated me and I can’t get him to stop.  I think he does it on purpose.”

If we were to make a list of the most annoying spouse habits, how many of them would you be able to check off.  Well, you are going to find out because that is what we are going to do in a minute.

As I alluded to earlier, when your husband is doing things that get on your nerves and drives you a little bonkers, it can challenge you in all sorts of ways.

You may find yourself asking why you ever married this man in the first place. You might think to yourself that you are going to scream or go berserk if he doesn’t stop whatever he is doing.

Truth be told, no women ever sets out to marry a guy who is difficult to live with.  Your heart was probably in the right place, but choosing a partner for life based on what your heart may have told you long ago can be a slippery slope.

following your heart is a slippery slope

This was Vanessa’s situation.

She had married young, rushing into a committment that she now regrets.  Vanessa’s husband was very religious and old-fashioned, so they had not really lived together prior to get hitched.

There were a lot of things they did know about each other.  She explained that it was awkward in the beginning as they fumbled through some of the basics.  Sex was very clumsy.  He was inexperienced. While Vanessa was younger, she had two other sexual partners.  He fumbled a lot and got very tense and uptight when she would suggest things.

Later, probably out of resentment, he would make little cutting remarks directed at her.  It could be over anything.  At first, his behavior unnerved her.  She didn’t appreciate his snide comments.  But over time, the annoyance factor changed to resentment as his antics grew to be old.

So her husband’s biting remarks were not the only things that bothered her.

Her husband also insisted they prey often during the day.  She knew he was head strong and passionate about his religious views.  At least that is how she perceived him in the beginning of the relationship.  Later she came to believe that he was just overbearing and intolerant of her own views.

Her husband’s personal habits also eked at her.

You know the sound when someone screeches chalk on a chalkboard, right?  That is sorta how she described it.  Her husband had an annoying habit of striking a really high-pitched voice when he was angry.

Not only was the sound of his voice annoying, but it so irked her she would often leave the room when it happened which in turn would cause him to get more upset and raise his voice to still a higher pitch.

She would try to explain to her husband that she didn’t  like getting yelled at.  The volume and high pitch of her husband’s voice not only hurt her ears, but it made her feel unsafe.

But her protestations were usually infective.

The Beginning of the End of the Relationship

marriage dissolving into dust

To avoid this kind of thing from happening a lot, she found herself just becoming agreeable and avoiding conflict.

She knows she was blowing fairy dust at him, but to turn the page to another day, she felt she had little recourse.

It was as if the relationship was coming apart at the seams in slow motion.

The end of the marriage clock was ticking and every time her husband would created yet another drama, it would tick by faster.

Worse, she felt helpless.  At least for a while.

When she tried to stand up for herself, he would start lecturing her and give her old outdated ultimatums, insisting that god placed the husband in charge of the marriage.

Stuck With the Worst Kind of Husband

This was not the only problem Vanessa reported.  Her husband also had an annoying habit of insisting that she write down her daily chores and check off each task as it was completed.

It was something he did as well for his own work activities.  He insisted with persistence that people are inherently inefficient and lazy and that the only way to avoid becoming  sinful was to track one’s daily activities.

Given that she was more laid back when growing up, this kind of structured living did not sit well with her.   She went along with it in the beginning, but after the first few weeks of marriage, she grew tired of such a regimented life style and wanted more freedom to pursue things without fear that she would be criticized or made to feel guilty.

All of these things began to take a toll on her and his constant little criticisms not only annoyed her, but caused her to become disillusioned.  She found herself wondering if other marriages operated this way.

I know some of this sounds pretty weird, but Vanessa had little experience with the workings of a marriage.  She grew up in a single mother household.   So there wasn’t a lot for her to use as a comparison except what she picked up from friends.

Brainwashing is a strong word for what she was enduring.

But it appeared that her husband was going out of his way to make her conform with his views and expectations for the marriage.  He had told her numerous times that marriages all over failed because of lack of commitment to duty and upholding the sacred vows.

Early on, Vanessa bought into that view and tried to go along with his puritanical views of how a marriage should operate.  Vanessa’s husband insisted that the husband was always the head of the household and if she didn’t see the world in his way, then she was violating her vows and god’s plan.

Unfortunately for her husband, we do not live in the 18 century and Vanessa soon began rebelling along a lot of fronts.  She was so turned off by his regimented ways of controlling so many aspects of the marriage and her personal time, she fought back in small ways in the beginning.

She quite doing his “stupid daily scrolls” as she called them.

She started to withhold sex from him with the thought in mind that he would leave her and find some other woman who would follow his marching orders.

One particularly eventful day, when her husband screech at her in his loud tone and demanded that she obey him,  she screwed up all her courage, then cursed him and left the house.

To say the least he was shocked.

She told me that while her husband was a very annoying man to live with,  what made it unbearable was her sense that she was being held prisoner.  Not literally, but emotionally.  She explained that she became overwhelmed with the constant desire to escape and regain her independence.

The balance of personal power had swung far out of whack in her marriage.

That is when she knew things would never work out.

Not only was her husband driving her loopy by what she now recognized as a somewhat bizarre preoccupation with operating their marriage in accordance with his religious teachings, but she found the tone of his utterances personally unattractive.

While his mannerisms and habits were not revolting per se, the annoyances and odd preoccupation with religious rituals and had caused her to feel uncomfortable and controlled.

So what finally happened?

Did Vanessa and her husband arrive at a new understanding?

Did she confront her husband with an ultimatum only to be met with fire and brimstone?

Well, before I tell you how her saga ended, let’s take a moment to explore the top 10 annoying things your husband might be doing to drive you mad!

The Top Ten Annoying Things Your Husband Does That Drives You Crazy

never paying attention to me

  1. Your husband smacks his food so loudly and in such a unattractive way, you almost have to jump out of your skin to keep your sanity.
  2. The man you married seems more attached to his phone.  It is bad enough that he frequently ignores you as he seems to always want to check his messages, but he insists on giving you a running dialogue about all things pertaining to him.
  3. Your man is a flirt.  Every chance he gets he tries to catch the eye of other women.  Whether he does it in your presence or not, it doesn’t matter to him.  It is as if he has a unconscious desire to be noticed by the opposite sex and this behavior drives you nuts.
  4. Your husband is a compulsive liar.  He is a kind of guy who is always bending the truth.  Even his petty lies are more than just a little annoying.  His insistence to deceive seems to know no end.  You are not sure if you should be irritated, frustrated, or just downright mad.
  5. Your husband is a slob.  He can’t seem to get it though his head that dirty clothes go in the hamper, not all over the floor.  Rarely does he make any effort to make the bed or sweep up the floor.  Housework seems beneath him even though he always says he will help out next time.  And if you think he is every going to learn to put the dishes away, guess again.
  6. Your guy is always late.  He seems not to understand the concept of being on time and it can make you more than a little crazy as you end up having to explain to everyone why you are late.  Of course, he blames you.
  7. The guy you are married to seems to think it perfectly fine to shout and scream at the television during a sports game.  His wild antics and loud and obnoxious voice rings throughout the house and if his favorite team loses, he his hell to live with.
  8. Your husband knows how to get on your nerves when he wants to start-up a fight.  He likes to try to get inside your head. Even though you know he plays this mind game, you fall for it anyway and it just ruffles your feathers.
  9. Your partner gets on your nerves when he insists that he must make a late night run to get some fast food despite the fact you slaved away in the kitchen to cook up a wholesome meal.
  10. It can be truly annoying when your husband wakes you up in the middle of the night wanting to have sex.  When you reject him he goes into his victim routine or creates a scene essentially disturbing your ability to get back to sleep.

Are You Overly Sensitive To Your Husband’s Odd Habits?

shutting out your guy

Do you ever feel like just putting on the headphones as a way to escape all things about your husband?  Does he annoy you so much that the only way to silence him is to literally silence him?

It is probably fair to say that husbands all over can do and say things that get on their wives’ nerves.  It is easy to become exasperated if the guy you are married to seems to have a knack for ruffling your feathers.

But at what point should we question ourselves as to whether we ourselves are being overly sensitive about our spouse’s behavior.

For example, a women named Taylor reached out to me and told me about her situation.  At first, it seemed to her that her husband could do no right.

But later, she realized that the problem wasn’t so much that her husband was difficult to live with.  It wasn’t really her preoccupation with a few of his undesirable habits that was so much the problem.

It turned out, her husband was really not that far off the norm.  Taylor’s problem in adjusting to some of her husband’s behaviors had more to do with her learning to adapt to her new environment.

She had been thrusted into a relationship which was something that was both glorious and frightening for her.  But when they moved in together, the relationship began to fray at the edges due to some of her insecurities.

Let me explain by way of letting Taylor relate her story.

“I was sure we were not going to make it.  We moved in together about a month ago.  Those first couple of weeks were some really tough days.  I was not accustom to living with another guy.  I had not done it before and everything about living with another man 24/7 was both wonderful and awful.  I know I shouldn’t feel that way.  But I have alway been a bit of a perfectionist and sometimes think too much about things that seem out-of-place.  Or if I can’t get my way about certain little, even inconsequential things, it bothers me.  He is the opposite.  Easygoing.  When he wouldn’t conform to how I thought he should act, I would get annoyed.  I would get mad at him because he wouldn’t get mad.  I know that sounds crazy!  I was uptight a lot.  He thought nothing of it and figured I would get use to it.   I didn’t realize I was this way so much until we had lived together for a few weeks.  It’s part me Chris.  Not all him.  I get insecure about stuff and I think my anxiousness plays into my fears.  Any advice on how to chill out.  That’s what he says all the time.

Is Your Husband Truly Annoying

stuck with an odd husband

But sometimes it is not that you have an insecure attachment approach to relationships.  Sometimes when these annoyances start stacking up, they can compound. And if your husband or boyfriend is not willing to listen to your concerns and make some changes, things can start sliding downhill.

Some men will go out of their way to get on your nerves as a perverse way to get back at you.  Sick, isn’t it.  But some guys have this kind of makeup.  Personally, I think it is a mind game some men play to try to control you.

Sometimes it is just a bad boy complex. There are men out there who are mean-spirited about doing or saying things to intentionally aggravate or badger their wife.

When the marriage is reduced to a test of wills, with the husband constantly taunting and testing his wife to exact some kind of revenge or measure of control, then it suffices to say such relationships have a short fuse.

Don’t get me wrong.  There will always be some give and take and all of us would benefit if we were more tolerant of each other’s vices.

But if you are at a stage in the marriage where you are supremely annoyed with your husband’s behavior and are disillusioned with his ways, then you should be reminded that your relationship is not a life sentence.

I have coached many women who have been married for years who go on to tell me how miserable they have been with their husband’s ways.  You do have options.  We all do.

If you have made good faith efforts to work through some serious compatibility issues, yet the man you are with is still driving you crazy, then don’t feel like you can’t call for a short-term separation to get some space.

Absence is an interesting thing.  It moves us in different ways.

It can make us appreciate our partner’s more and motivate couples to change.

But it can also cause you to “see the light” and realize that not all relationships are going to work out as you once hoped.

This is what Vanessa learned.

She surveyed the past and looked at the future and decided she needed to set off on a new course.  It wasn’t something she entered into lightly.  I know that because I worked with her for a good spell.

Just getting out from under her husband’s control for a trial separation had a powerful emotional effect on her as she realized how much of “herself” she had left behind and she wanted that girl back.

Don’t ever forget.  Life offers us many paths.  Don’t stay on the one that makes you unhappy and unfulfilled.

I Am Stuck In a Bad and Loveless Marriage

Today we are going to hear from Steffy who is going through a tough time.  Sometimes I encourage women to write down their story because it can help heal their heart and soul.

In some cases, these brave women are willing to share their story (i.e. with a few name changes) if they believe it will help other women.  Such is the case with this young woman.

So in this post, Steffy will tell us about her present situation.  Essentially she says she is stuck in a bad and loveless marriage and regretfully, it appears to be showing some signs of being a toxic marriage, meaning that it is getting worse over time.

It is never easy for anyone when they feel compelled to leave a bad marriage.  How to get out of a bad marriage with a child is even more challenging.  Fortunately in Steffy’s case, they have no children.  But the issue of having children did play a central role in the decline of her marriage.

There are many women in situations similar to what Steffy experienced. Most want to know if there is some way to know for sure if their marriage is doomed.

stuck in a bad relationship

Truth be told, there is really no reliable bad marriage test that you can take which will tell you whether you should keep soldiering ahead.

I realize that when you feel like you are stuck, the sense of futility can be overwhelming.  It doesn’t make matters any easier if you are struggling with how to get out of a bad marriage and you have little money in your bank account.  This was yet another issue Steffy was dealing with.

For some women,  there comes a point in which the realities of an unhealthy relationship will overtake any remaining desire to make it work.

Such was the case with my client, Steffy.

My Marriage Is Not Working Out

So if you are like Steffy, feeling trapped in a marriage because you feel like your options are closed, just know that the road ahead does not have to be bleak.

It may feel like you cannot survive another day longer.  But it always seems darkest before the dawn. If you are facing such a dilemma, then you want to listen up and see what you can learn from this woman’s plight and what she did to turn her attitude and situation around.

Trapped in a Loveless Marriage

feeling trapped and boxed in

Here is Steffy story…

I never thought my marriage  would take me to a place where it felt like my back was up against the wall.  I realize now there are several things I needed to face up to.  That there are a lot of things I have been in denial over.

I have decided that I will be leaving a bad marriage. It took me awhile to find the courage. To say that I am in stuck in a bad marriage really does not capture what has happened.  It is much more complicated.

The truth is it has not been all bad.  But right now, neither I or my husband are happy.   I knew I wasn’t getting what I needed from my marriage. When I started seeing signs of an unhappily married man a few months ago, I sensed the end was near because I had already reached that point long before that.

When I first started having doubts about whether this marriage would work, I thought it was just me.  My husband was always so gun ho about getting married and do all the things couples do.  He wanted kids right away.  I didn’t. I wanted to wait.   Later I realized we were not that compatible on a lot of other issues.  I should have figured all this out before I agreed to marry him.

I have to confess, I did a lot of wrong things.  I could have handled my problems a whole lot better.  When I got to a point where I was often feeling trapped, all I could think about was how to get out of this bad marriage as fast as possible.

I know now that not being able to control some of my immature and impulsive thoughts made things worse between us.  I made bad decisions, before and during our relationship.  So it wasn’t all him.

Struggling With a Loveless Relationship

I guess I need to give you some details of what went wrong with us and why I am so unhappy in my marriage.

We have been having problems for over a year.  I was young, just 19 when we met and we were married a year later.  My husband is a few years older.  So I guess we were younger than most when we got married.

We dated off and on for about a year and I confess that I was hesitant about getting married in the first place.  He wanted us to get married and I guess I wanted to please him.  He pursued me aggressively. I liked the attention.  But it wasn’t just that.

chasing after his woman

Admittedly, I was a little jealous of some of my older girlfriends who were planning weddings.  I didn’t have a lot of experience with boys and really only had one other serious relationship.

So I guess my background for being ready for a marriage wasn’t so good.  But we had a long run (for us) of dating without breaking things off and I guess all the wedding talk from my girlfriends went to my head.  I didn’t want to be left behind.

So  I did it.  Looking back now,  I know it was a mistake.  Neither of were really ready.  I was my husband first serious girlfriend and one of his faults is he can be stubborn, even obsessive.  I guess that had a lot to do with it.  He kept pursuing me and building me up and I thought “what could go wrong”. He seemed so determined to make me happy, so I thought.

For men, I think they like to chase.  I fell for it and soaked up all the attention. I saw all of the good and didn’t bother looking at where we didn’t match up so well.  I know now to make sure that if I am going to settle down with someone it is best to have similar values and plans on starting a family.

Getting Married For All The Wrong Reasons

rushing into marriage

I know what I did was so stupid.  Getting married for all the wrong reasons was a bad mistake.  But we did it and the problems began pretty quickly. The marriage buzz wore off in no time.

We had not lived together for any significant period of time.  I was still with my parents prior to the marriage.  He had his own apartment and I would stay over some nights.  But it wasn’t like for any extended time. Maybe if we had lived together for a while it would be a different story.  A better one.

So we knew each other, but we didn’t really know each other like we should have.  I knew he was stubborn about things.  He has a lot of conservative views.  I am the opposite.  He knew I was independent.  But I never imagined he would be controlling to the extent he was.  I soon realize I wasn’t ready to settle down.

He wanted to start having kids and I wanted nothing to do with that.  There would be fights about stupid things and we both dug in our heels and that just made things more contentious.

He kept criticizing and harping on about different things I didn’t agree with (politics, starting a family, my friends).  So it got rocky early on.  It was like he finally got me to agree to marry him, then expected I would lay down to all his views.  I am not that way and when I resisted doing things his way he would get angry with me.

just get me away from him

We had some dust ups where I walked out on him for a day or two.  But I came back after I cooled off.  We would make up and say stuff about trying again, but neither of us changed much.  So the feeling of being trapped and restricted really never went away for me.

I hate to say this, but I am not sure I love him like a wife should.  If there are some loveless marriage signs, I guess the first one was when I would catch myself fantasizing about being with someone else.

I am kind of a flirt and have always been one, but not really overt.  I just like to have fun and I guess I like the attention from other men. So that part of my personality created problems.

So I would be flirting in whatever situation it might be and my husband would catch me in the act and would get upset and we would have a big blow up.  I now know it was probably something inside me trying to get out.  I think secretly, I wanted out of my marriage.  Deep down, I knew I married to soon and didn’t love my husband.  I mean, I do love him in some ways.  But it’s not complete and I know that is not enough.

Early on in our marriage, I was a student in college and my husband was working.  While at college I met someone else.  As problems with my husband mounted, I began having feelings for this other man.

It started innocently.  I can really say that.  He was a good friend and helped me cope with some of my personal problems.  So I guess it went from an emotional affair to real one.  It went on for about 9 months.  It ended because he wanted me to leave my husband and I wasn’t ready for that yet.

During this time, things got kind of messy and while my husband never found out, I know the emotional baggage from the affair affected my marriage.

Later I decided to drop out of college, partly to get away from this other man, but also I wanted some financial independence.   I figured getting a job would solve that.  I felt so trapped between two men.  If there is such a thing as loveless relationship signs, I was experiencing them.  All I could think about was getting out of the marriage.  I would start fights.  I did things to drive him away.

I was doubting if I loved either of the two men I had a relationship with.  I was unhappy much of the time.  I was making impulsive decisions.  I can see that now as I look back at what unfolded.

Eventually I found some work in digital advertizing and it actually seemed to help my marriage.  I liked what I was doing.  I could work from the office and at home and make sales calls.   I wasn’t around the house as much moping around and my husband seemed to start to accept that I was going to have my own life.

Stuck in a Sexless Marriage

no more sex in our marriage

We decided to move out of the apartment and rent a house which I think also kinda helped because I could have my work space and it just give us more room.  When you are cooped up in a small apartment, living with someone you are not sure you want to be with,  it just magnifies the problems.

But after a six months I was laid off.   I think that was the beginning of the end.  I started feeling trapped again and he started blaming me for some of the new financial issues we were experiencing.  I think he was really still upset with me about all of the things we don’t agree on.  He was always trying to debate me, trying to change my mind about all sorts of things.  I don’t like being told what to think. So I believe I was carrying a lot of resentment and so was he.

Things just got cold between us from there.  I started withholding sex not because I wanted to hurt him, but because I just wasn’t attracted to him anymore and didn’t feel close.

He would make me feel uncomfortable because almost every time he would start talking about starting up a family and introduce that whole line of discussion.  It was a turn off and I resented him trying to wedge that topic into our sex life.

When I was finally sure I wanted to end the marriage, my focus turned to how I should do it.  I felt my life had taken an awful turn to how to survive a loveless sexless marriage and I didn’t want to live that life.

I also knew things were not going so well in my husband’s mind at this point.  He knew I was pulling away and the more he felt it, the more he tried to pull me back in.

The emotional effects of a sexless marriage were getting to him.  Maybe I should feel ashamed, but I was glad for it.  Because I wanted him to arrive at the same place I was.  I didn’t want the marriage to rock along for years with neither of us happy.

When I lost my job, it brought more financial pressure to bear on us both, but particularly for me because I was already fixed on getting out.

But how could I if I did not have any financial independence.  Staying in a loveless marriage for financial reasons was so much against everything I stood for.  So I think these two forces collided.  Me wanting out of the marriage and feeling trapped by my lack of money.  I didn’t want to go back to my parents and ask for help.

Thinking about all of this was just making me crazy and as you can imagine, it made life with my husband unbearable.  Not because he was so mean to me, but I was in a bad place in my head.

The volatile side of my personality would emerge and I would say insensitive things and act out to the extent that my husband would fight back.  After living like this for months, it left us sometimes hating each other.

There Is No Room For Hate In a Relationship

carve the hate out of your marriage

I know it’s not right to hate your husband.  He doesn’t deserve that and I know now that while we have serious compatibility issues, he is not a hateful person himself and doesn’t deserve to be hated.

I decided it was time to be open with my feelings.  I knew it would be painful, but it was my truth and I had held it in for far too long.

I told him I didn’t feel for him as I use to, that I didn’t love him like I once did.  I asked him why would a man stay in a loveless marriage.  He agreed that is how we have been living for many months.  Showing and giving little love.

But true to form, he would argue about how we can find each other again and just needed more time.  It just made me sick to hear that because it showed me he wasn’t listening.  So our conversation ended up being a big stalemate.

I was hoping we could discuss separation in a serious way, but he just wasn’t listening. He acted like I wasn’t even there and the only thing that mattered was what he thought.

What should a husband do in a sexless marriage, I would ask myself.  You would think he would be unhappy and agree that a sexless marriage can lead to divorce.

But my husband would cling to fanatical notions that it all happened for a reason.  He would argue that a little depression in our lives was a small price to pay and we would learn to love again.

He is real religious.  I told him he was wrong.  That the dangers of a sexless, loveless marriage is that the couple comes to hate each other.

I told him I didn’t want that. I told him again I didn’t want to be with him and that a sexless relationship causing depression was far from the worst of our problems.

I could see that getting him to agree to a breakup wasn’t going to happen in any way that was mutually acceptable. I guess it never does.

The feeling of being stuck in a loveless marriage was just too much for me.  So a few weeks later after that last heart to heart with my husband, I sought some counsel on what to do.

I knew I wanted out.  I was desperate to leave but I didn’t want to return to living with my parents.  For some reason I thought I needed his permission to seek a separation and divorce.

Of course I was wrong about that and Chris told me that I was free to break off things with my husband if I so wished.  He talked about how I may want to consider a trial separation.  That would allow me and my husband time to get use to the idea of living apart and potentially seeking a legal divorce.  He explained I was over thinking it all, trying to solve everything at one time and that I should take things on in smaller chunks.

So he advised that if I felt so strongly about leaving my husband, then I should not rule out staying with my parents or a close friend for a while.  He told me if I was talented enough to get a job in digital advertising and if I have a solid job history (which I do), then I would land on my feet and find something suitable.

Chris kept taking about doing things in small steps.  The first step was moving out and telling my husband that I needed time to heal and get in touch with what I really wanted in my life.

He explained that putting distance between me and my husband would benefit us both, allowing us to see things more clearly.  He thought my husband would resist the idea, but would adapt and accept what I was doing.

Chris told me that if there was a special bond between me and my husband, it would become apparent while we were apart.  But since he was advising me, he said he was more concerned with my welfare and that he believed me wholeheartedly when I told him at was at my wit’s end and needed to escape.

So it’s been about six weeks that I have been living apart from my husband.  The first few weeks were a bit confusing, but I found myself.  I know I am feeling happier now.

My confidence and sanity is much better since I  have been on my own.  I am living with a girlfriend and she has been wonderful. We don’t see each other much during the week, so it feels like I have the place to myself much of the time.

She is girl of course, but just living with someone other than my husband helped showed me the difference in what it’s like with being with different people.  She is one of these really super positive people, filled with enthusiasm for life. So it has been a nice counterpoint to what I have been living through.

I have renewed hope that everything is going to turn out fine.  My husband called me way too much and texted me way too much in the first few weeks of us being separated.

But Chris warned me of that and I was better prepared emotionally.  He told me I should practice a limited contact approach when it came to communications with him and that is what I have been doing.  My husband is starting to cool off now and accept that things did not work out and may never work out.

I am just glad to be where I am emotionally and location wise.  Chris encouraged me to keep my focus on me and my healing and make it a goal to get multiple interviews for work.   He convinced me early on that it was all going to work out.  That lifted my spirits. He doesn’t have to do that anymore because it is working out.  I am still young and will learn from my mistakes.

 

 

My Husband Is a Monster So I Kicked Him Out

Today we are going to hear from Alicia.  Her story of the man she met and married, then ultimately kicked out of her house warrants a retelling.  Alicia was kind enough to share her story with us.

Without further adieu….here is Alicia’s story in her own words.

Chris asked me to tell my story as it could help some women realize they are not alone if they married badly and that they can stand up for themselves and that in the end it can get better if they move past the pain.

moving past a bad marriage

I have been fed up with my husband for some time now.

The guy I am married to (we are apart and are getting a divorce) no longer resembles the man I first met.  My husband has turned into a monster and I am afraid to live with him a second longer.

Truth be told, he always had a bit of monster inside him.  I was just foolish and looked the other way, making excuses for him or taking his side, when in reality he was dead wrong about a lot of things.

Men who mistreat their wives make you cling to fear.

Bad Guys Are Not For You

Not that I feared that he would do something really evil to me.  It’s just that I  see now that I married a really bad guy.  He is not marriage material.  He is just all about himself.  I hope that no other woman has to put up with him and all of his games and antics.

Did I kick him out because he treats me like dirt?  Yes, that’s part of it.

Is it all over between us?  Let me tell you our story and you decide if I chose wisely.

For some time, I really had a hard time making up my mind.  Our marriage was always an up and down affair.  I accept my mistakes in making our problems worse.  But my role in the unwinding of this marriage is small compared to my husband’s antic and cruelty.

Now you might be wondering why I wouldn’t have known what he was really like at the core when I was going with him.  You may be thinking how could I get mixed up with such rotten man.  After all, if he is a monster now, why didn’t I see all his shortcomings back when we were dating.

I ask myself that question all the time too.

Why Didn’t You See He Was A Bad Choice

No matter how many times I run it through my head, I don’t think the worst of his damaging antics and bad manners was something I could have seen coming.

It’s like he felt a sense of entitlement once we got married.  My husband seemed to think he could just do everything his way, without any consideration of what I wanted or my needs.

I know a lot of people think,  “who in their right mind would be attracted to such a lousy man”.   But some guys are good at hiding their faults and I do confess that I was seeing things I wanted to see and ignoring some of the obvious signs.

busted marriage gone bad

That’s on me and I have learned to be more attentive and selective and think more with my mind.

Knowing what I know now, I think he has some hang ups with women and wanting to control everything.  I can’t live that way, so we clashed.  But sex would be our way of making up.  I see now how I got wrapped up into a bad pattern.

Our sex life was really good and all of the excitement carried us in those early days.  But the real truth of who we are emerges eventually. That’s when I came to see his  selfishness and core meanness.

Learning To Leave

I am convinced of all this now, but back then (two years ago) I was not seeing it.  It took that long for his true self to emerge and for me to realize that I had married a monster man, intent on making me his punching bag.

He really didn’t hit me, though when he would throw a fit and start  screaming he would hulk around acting like he wanted to do tear up things.  He would throw stuff and smashing things and scream at me.

He was possessive about so many things.  I felt like  I couldn’t breath sometimes. My husband would fly into jealous rages over nothing.  I wanted to just escape, get away.  I would literally just cover myself up to hide.

I wanted to curl up and hide

Other times, when it was all happening, I would freak out and not know quite what to do.  I thought maybe I had triggered all of this bad mess.  I would question whether I had done something wrong.

But now I know it wasn’t me.  It was him.  He is the one with the problems. I understand now that he was the bad husband.  I was the good wife, just trying to please and cope.  It’s not right when your husband won’t let you have your own personal life while married.

I see now that his manic and controlling  behavior emerges from his personal hangups.  I am so glad now to be out from under him.

It took a while, but I have learned to accept that I made a huge mistake falling for him, getting mixed up with him and advancing the relationship.  But I think that is really all  I did wrong.

I tried my best to make an awful relationship work and I know I stayed in it far too long, taking on his attacks and abusive outbursts.  I will carry a lot pain because of that choice, but I have learned that if I can survive that, I can get through just about anything.

He was a terrible husband.  My husband thought he had broken my spirit.  but that is not true.  I am woman strong.   I admit I went through a period in which I carried a lot of resentment for my husband. I think that was the number one reason why I was so angry at my husband all the time.  Even when we separated, I still had a lot of anger in me about what he put me through.

There would be some days in which he just would go on a slow burn and play like he was the victim.  He would talk to me like I wasn’t there, like I was a stranger.

He would say things like, “my wife gets angry at me for no reason.”  The way he acted, it might come off like I am always mad at my husband. He would whine to anyone who would listen about his troubles and ask them…. why is my wife always irritated with me…… like they really know what is going on.

He would put on an at like he is reaching out to me and will be loving.  But when I got pulled in, he would turn on me.

my boyfriend reaching out to me

He was that way.  He would play innocent, like he was the victim.  That was one game he played.  There was no honesty in our marriage.

I know all of this effected me and I started having anger issues.

The truth is even now, memories of my husband makes me so angry I want to hit him.  But I have learned to channel that into something positive.

I guess that is why I kicked him out because it was getting to me back then.  I was throwing things and freaking out.  I would later replay my behavior and get upset with myself because I am not that kind of girl.   But I wasn’t going to put up with his crap.

What should I do I would often wonder.

It was different when I was younger with him. Earlier in the marriage, when he treated me badly, but I wasn’t thinking of leaving him, I would feel sorry for myself.

I made up excuses. I would tell my girlfriends my  husband treats me bad, but I still love him.  They thought I was an idiot and that he was abusive.  They were right, I was wrong, but it took me time to get out from under his spell.

When someone you love treats you badly in a relationship you don’t quite see it all at the time.  You don’t ask the right questions of yourself, like “why does he treat me so bad – why doesn’t he love me in the way he should?”

You want to believe he will change.  That he won’t act like a monster and turn cruel and say demeaning things when things don’t go his way.

When your husband tells you over and over you are wrong about everything and breaks you down in lots of little ways, no matter how strong you think you are, it has an effect on you.

I guess I finally reached my limit.

I had been reading about creating distance and using the no contact rule with one’s husband if your marriage is unravelling.

That is what happened to us.   I now see that my husband is selfish, insecure, and a control freak.  He is also a cheater.  I caught him.  Of course he lied about it at first.  Then blamed me for it.

Did I kick my husband out for cheating?  Not entirely, but that was the final straw.

I am not going into details, but when it became clear to me what happened I told my husband to leave.  Did I think when I kicked my husband out that he would come back again some day?  Honestly, at first I held out hope.  But later I did want him coming back.

Its been several months now and I still don’ t want him back because I can’t see myself even trying again.

He is making some noises like he is sorry for what he did.  I think the reality is I married a coward.  Now that he has gone too far and blown up his marriage he thinks I might give him another chance.

But the truth is I have given him tons of chances.

Did I kick my husband out for drinking?  No.  Did I kick him out because he was often cruel and was a monster to me? No.  Did I kick out my cheating husband out for lying and being selfish. No.

I kicked him out for all these reasons.

We are separated now, but I have filed for divorce.  I am not taking him back.  I am moving on.  He tells everyone he walked out of my life.  But I don’t care, because I know the truth.  It doesn’t matter what my ex says because I know that is his way.  He cannot be wrong about anything in his mind.

Moving Past Your Past Hurts

lift up yourself

I knew I had to turn the corner.

He was out of my house and out of my life.  I wasn’t going through a No Contact with him because I was secretly hoping he might come crawling back.

I wanted a clean slate so I knew I had to throw myself into something.  My mind would go racing to often thinking about the past.  I would have weak moments sometimes and when he texted me and said nice things, I fell for it once.  He knew out to manipulate my feelings and draw me  back into his spell.

So I wasn’t perfect in how I handled him post separation.  But as I got better, I got stronger and more confident and felt a lot less vulnerable.

Three things saved me and got me started on a new life.

I would worry about if I could ever find someone else that I could love and that would be good to me. Sometimes I would obsess over it and get myself tied up in knots.

I don’t like being alone and want to share my life with someone else.  Foolishly, I thought my ex husband was going to be that man.  But I was younger when we got together.  I was naive to some extent.

I had a big heart and a lot of hope.  And some guys and this certainly includes my ex husband, can talk a good line and hide a lot of their faults.

My biggest mistake was rushing through the courtship phase of our relationship.  But that is behind me now.  So what I was thinking is how can I turn it all around.  I was in a miserable marriage married to a monster, but I needed to head for the light.  I wanted to put the past behind me.  I wanted to be happy.  Then I wanted to have some hope there might be someone out there for me.

So my plan was to keep it simple and do three things for me.  This is what Chris kept telling me.

Chris would also tell me that things come to you when you often are not seeking it out.

That is what ultimately happened to me on the man front.  But he would say I needed to get back to finding myself and become my best friend and do something to make myself proud.

The first of my three focus areas was starting up a quilt business with a friend.  I always wanted to be my own boss and that became a reality.  Since it takes a ton of time to do everything to be successful, it really kept me busy, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I am sure it  has been therapeutic for me.

The second thing that filled up my life was my devotion to bicycling.  When rage would fill me up about my past, I pedaled past it.  The daily exercise I got from that made me feel fit, look good, and gave me a lot of extra energy.  I would recommend it to anyone.

The last thing I focused on was going back to college to pick up some business and marketing classes.  It helped me and my friend run our business better and the routine of going to classes filled out my life.  I look forward to it every night.

That is where I met my new boyfriend without even looking for him.

It’s funny how things can turn out when you turn yourself away from the bad.

It’s hard to step away from a husband, even a bad one.  You get use to certain things and it’s hard to imagine a life that is different.  It’s like the weight of being with your husband, no matter how wrong he might be for you, can’t be budged.

Then things happen and you break off the marriage.  Then you find yourself again and do things to be proud of yourself.  Then someone else comes into your life.  All this happens and you look back and wonder what on earth was I thinking before.

Let me just tell you.  The bad spell you might be having with a bad husband can be broken.

It doesn’t take an earth shattering event to turn you life around.  You can do it in pieces and parts.

That is what I did.  I eventually made my husband leave.  I resisted the temptation to be pulled back into his web.  Then I began to rebuild.

Here I am now, a much a happier, more complete person.

 

 

 

My Husband Makes Me Cry and Doesn’t Care About My Tears

I was talking to a young wife recently and she shared a tearful story.

She was sobbing as she told me about her husband and his lack of attention to her emotional needs.

The young woman explained to me that she was married to a guy who constantly made her sob.

She explained that things have deteriorated to a point where her tears would practically flow at the sight of him.  That is how bad it had gotten.

crying sad wife in marriage

The marriage had been reduced to a relationship that brought her more sadness than joy.

She explained what hurt her the most was the nonchalant attitude he exhibited after her crying spells.

She described a husband who just didn’t give a damn about how much she was hurting.  She described him a aloof, uncaring, and cold.

But it wasn’t always that way, she offered.  But the marriage routines had shifted and she was finding herself far to often being victimized by her husband.

What do you do if you have a husband that makes you feel like sobbing and acts like he doesn’t care about the pain you are feeling?

Are you married and miserable?

I Can’t Stand My Husband: Married and Miserable

Let’s listen to my client’s story for a minute and then I will get into some ways you can learn to not just better cope with being married to someone who is mean and inconsiderate, but also learn how to teach him to change his behavior.

Karen:

Chris, I am desperate for your help.  My husband doesn’t care at all about my feelings.  He gets angry about things and then takes it out on me. This time it was some stupid work problem my husband was experiencing.  I want him to be happy and so I reach out and try to support him, but he he throws a fit and then takes it out on me.  I find myself sobbing.  I feel so inadequate as I am unable to help him or myself.  It happens over and over again.  Why does my husband act so mean to me? He gets so ugly and starts telling me about his problems and when I don’t understand or ask questions to get clarification he turns his wrath on me.  Then I start crying, feeling that now I have made things worse. But I know it’s not me, its him.  He shouldn’t treat me this way.  He shouldn’t blame me for things I am not responsible for.  When it’s all over and I am in tears, he acts like he doesn’t care about my feelings or what he just did to me.  He just walks off in a huff and puff and cares little about how he drew me into all his ugliness.  I try to be a good wife and all I get in the end is blame when I am trying to help.  I am tired of hiding away so I can cry it all out.  I am tired of living with such a cold hearted husband. What can I do?”

Certainly, if you are married to a guy that intentionally does and says things to make you cry and feel bad, that is a huge problem.

On one hand, Karen was trying to do the right thing by offering support to her husband when she saw he was upset about a work problem.

I am all in favor of supporting your spouse.

It is crucial in a marriage that the husband and wife take up for each other and help each other during tough and trying times.

when your guy makes you weep

But when you seek to give emotional support to your husband and he turns on you and directs his anger at you, making you the target of his wrath….that is a huge problem.

It is painful when you reach out to your husband who is wounded and he turns on you.

The sense of betrayal you may feel and the actual lack of consideration you receive for your efforts to console and support him only leads to a chasm in the marriage.

And when this cycle occurs over and over again, a certain sense of dread can form.

Clearly, something is terribly wrong if the sight of your husband makes you fearful he is going to unleash on you and cause you to cry.

So why would your husband behave in such away?

Why would you man bring you to the point of sobbing.

Is there something about some men that makes them particularly insensitive to those who reach out to them to help?

And what about the other occasions in which a husband can cause their wife to cry and then act like they don’t care?

Here is client whose husband not only made her cry, but then turned on her when she began to weep, blaming her for making him feel worse.

Stacie:

My husband is always inconsiderate about my feelings.  He puts his own needs before me all of the time and I am sick of living this way.  It hurt so much when he turns on me and starts blaming me for his troubles.   He doesn’t really care about me and when I cry he gets irate and tells me I am the cause of all that is wrong in our marriage.  How can my husband been so cruel and hateful?  He makes my cry more when he acts this way.  I am afraid he hates me and deep inside doesn’t care about making things better.  He seems to take some perverse joy in beating me down.  Doesn’t he realize I am hurting inside and my tears are real?  I despair being around him now.  I feel trapped and fear I will always be stuck with a heartless husband.   I am afraid I have married a monster.  What a terrible mistake I made in marrying this man.  What do you do Chris when your husband makes fun of you for crying and acts like he is disgusted?  The man is heartless and I have had enough.  He has shown me his true colors.  Any guy who teases you when you feel you must cry is wicked.”

Is Your Man Husband Material?

is he husband material

As I tell all my clients, a guy who picks on you because you were honest with your own feelings and showed some vulnerability is not husband material.

That sounds all fine, right?

But what if you are one of those saying, “Chris I am already married.  Give my some helpful advice on how to deal with my husband”?

My clients tell me…

“My husband does offer comfort to me when I am upset”

My marriage is full of tears.  All mine.  I regret I married such an uncaring man.  If I cry in his presence, I better get ready to cry all day long.”

“I am married to a man who makes me cry everyday and I don’t know where to turn”. 

And it’s not just a husband problem is it?

If you are not married but have a relationship with a guy, your boyfriend may not get it either.  When you shed tears because you are sad, he may fail to comfort you as he should.

You boyfriend (or husband) may have a huge problem with dealing with real emotions.  He may not show you the empathy you so much deserve to receive.

I hear often, “my boyfriend doesn’t care if I’m upset“.  Or “my boyfriend (or husband) yells at me when I cry”.

Is it possible you are with a guy who is incapable of showing that he cares?

God forbid, did you possible marry the wrong man?

Did I Marry The Wrong Man For Me?

Could you have fallen into a marriage with a man who is wired to think of himself first.

It can be disillusioning if you come to believe that your husband is persistently selfish.

I married a narcissist and I hate spending my life with him” is another way a woman put it to me.

What Do You Do If Your Husband Acts This Way?

my husband misbehaves

First of all, not all husbands who react poorly to your tears is a narcissist or selfish.

My first piece of advice is not to feel like you can’t cry if the emotions inside you swell up.

I do understand that your husband may feel uncomfortable when he sees you cry.

Some husbands and boyfriends often do not know how to process your show of tears and emotion.  They might think your tears is an expression of weakness.

As a result, they may actively discourage it by saying some really stupid things like, “buck up honey” or “don’t be such a cry baby” or “your tears won’t make any difference”.

Your husband may think if he acts cool and detached and ignore your tears, they will just go away and you will learn not to cry.

Some men (and that may include your husband) are rather stupid when it comes to understanding the value of tears and the meaning of why a woman may choose to cry.

They may have little appreciation of how empowering and therapeutic crying can be for you.

So if tears come, find a way to express them fully, even if it means you must go somewhere in private where you can shed your sorrow or pain.  As you know, you will always feel better.

That doesn’t mean all your problems will be solved and nor does it mean that your husband will behave in a better fashion.

But if you feel the need to cry, then please let it out and remind yourself that your emotional instincts to cry is far more healthy and advanced than whatever crude and ugly behavior your husband may be exhibiting.

Your Husband Has Little Understanding of Why Women Cry

why women cry

Men don’t understand tears can have an assortment of meanings.

There are tears of sadness, pain, joy, relief, and gratitude.

When these tears flow and you are accused of a crying fit or being a cry baby, remember that in actuality you are expressing yourself in a very advanced, healthy way.

Your husband probably also doesn’t understand the damage he can do by trying to stop you from crying.

He might as well stop you from breathing because that is how normal and natural weeping truly is.

It is a cruel act for any husband to act like he doesn’t care about you if you are crying.

He doesn’t understand that your tears are an opportunity for him to walk into your soul and offer comfort.

Your husbands may not understand the tremendous investment he can make to the marriage when he takes you into his arms and attempts to sooth and assure you that everything will be OK.

I have had some women tell me that when their husband held them close when they were crying and make them feel safe and understood, it later made them feel much more connected on both an emotional and  physical level.

Some of these women reported having some of the best sex they have had when they felt loved and appreciated after crying.

Teach Your Husband About The Value of Tears

support needed from your man

A wise husband understands the importance of tears and has learned to set aside whatever hang-ups he might have on the subject.

Unfortunately, many men are far from wise when it comes to understanding the therapeutic value of tears.

They have to be taught.

Assume that your husband’s notions about crying is retarded.

I don’t mean to say that as an insult.  Rather, I am underscoring that the guy you are married to probably has operated under some very basic (erroneous) rules about crying.

These rules may have come about through years of socialization.  They may have been partly formed through things he has read or watched or observed in his own family’s upbringing.

However your husband formed his belief system around the role crying has in our human experience, it would be fair to say that as guy he is conditioned to think a certain way.

A husband’s ignorance could arise from archaic notions like:

  1. Real men don’t cry.  Only  women do.  That is why men are strong and women are weak.
  2. As a husband I can’t give in to crying and if my wife starts crying, I will tell her to stop and tough it out.
  3. My wife cries to get her way and manipulate me. So I am going to put my wife in her place and let her know that I don’t appreciate her acting like a child.
  4. My wife’s crying makes me uncomfortable and sometimes reminds me that my own tears are right under the surface, so I have to get her to stop.
  5. I am tired of listening to my wife sob so I am going to remind her of that every chance I get.

Now I am sure there are some men out there who are a lot more sophisticated when it comes to their level of understanding of how to handle their wife when she gives in to tears.

By the way, did you notice that?

Even our language has certain inherent biases around the notion of crying.

Sometimes the phrases we use assume a woman crying is a “bad” thing or has negative connotations.

For example…

“My wife gives in to her tears far to often”

“My wife is a “cry baby“.

“My girlfriend has these crocodile tears all the time”

“Big Girls Don’t Cry”

“My husband made my cry my eyes out

“My boyfriend always accuses me of “Crying Foul

“My marriage is falling apart and we are a far cry from ever making it better”

So in a large way, society conspires against the act of crying.  It works against the notion that by and large, shedding tears is a good and healthy way of purging the negative.

While I am not naive,  I do believe that it well worth your effort to sit down with your husband (at the right time) and explain what crying means to you and how it is important for you to be able to express your emotions freely without fear of retribution.

You should explain this to your husband in a calm, sober way so that he understands you are deadly serious.

He should also understand that going forward you do not want to have to feel ashamed of being honest about displaying your emotions.

That Sounds Fine, But What If My Husband’s Actions Make Me Cry

my husband does not understand my tears

So if you find yourself weeping because your husband is acting like an ogre and treats you poorly, then it’s a different problem all together.

It won’t do you much good to have a nice talk with your husband about being more sensitive to your tears.  You could certainly give it a try, but if your husband’s actions and behavior is the cause of most of your tears, another approach is needed.

If you married an inconsiderate, mean guy who is full of hate and he brings you to cry over and over again, then just perhaps the solutions are in your tears.

What?”, you may ask.

What the hell does that mean?” you probably think.

Actually, it is not too hard to understand.

There is often a simplicity in solving huge personal problems.

Think of each individual tear your husband triggers with hateful words or actions as a message.

Let every tear represent a reminder of a husband gone bad.

And think of each time your husband makes you cry as an event.

Let every crying event represent a withdrawal from your emotional trust bank.

If you take into account all of the negative messages and crying episodes your husband or boyfriend has helped bring about, a certain map of the relationship should form.

A certain pattern of abuse should emerge.  It is either a clear and widespread problem, meaning the marriage is way off its track.  Or it could be the beginning of a relationship going sour.

Often we are so close to a problem, we cannot see the entirety of it.

It’s sorta like the old saying, “you can’t see the forest for the trees”.

This too could be a problem you are experiencing in your marriage.

If you have many, many episodes in which you find yourself weeping, your tears are probably telling you something.

As you shed your sorrows, your tears may be telling you that the marriage is not working and it is time for an intervention.

It may be time for you to ask your husband to leave.

Him leaving could be the first step in a trial separation.

Don’t get hung up on the word (trial separation).

Essentially, you would be telling him that you cannot continue living this way and you want him to leave for an indefinite period of time.

Sometimes when a husband understands their wife is taking such a meaningful step, it serves as a wake up call.

It gives you a chance to begin some healing and can also serve as a catalyst to make your husband realize you are no pushover and you will no longer tolerate harsh treatment in the form of emotional abuse.

Taking such an action also shifts the balance of power.

A husband who is mean to his wife and tries to bully her around to the point of causing tears thinks he has control.

He believes he has all the personal power.

You see, every marriage has power.

The idea is that the husband and wife should have an equal say in things and respect each other and share in the personal power.

Once the power balance of a marriage gets of kilter, things can go wrong and abuses can occur.

So telling your husband you can no longer tolerate his abusive behavior and want him out so he can start thinking about his role as husband, can help start bringing the relationship power back in balance.

Or it may be time for you to leave if that approach works better for your situation.

Or it could be time for you to insist that the two of you seek counseling if the marriage is to continue forward.

So there are multiple options.

But the point is that if you find yourself immersed in sadness and tears and have lost count of the number of times your husband has made you cried, something significant needs to happen to change this dynamic.

I encourage you to read many of my other posts that deal with this topic for more answers and always remember that you do not need to be trapped in sadness.

Take steps to put yourself first and sometimes that means you need to put distance between you and your husband.