My Husband Is Threatening To Leave – What Can I Do?

No one likes to be threatened.  And when one’s marriage is on the line and your husband is telling you that he might leave, you will naturally feel like your back is against the wall.

First of all, let me say that I am not into relationships that operate under the threat of you having to do something or not do something, just to satisfy the wishes of your husband.

There are some guys out there that will get hung up on something and will use intimidation tactics to get what they want.

I had one client whose husband was so horrible about his intimidation tactics that I had to almost plead for my client to save herself…

Save Yourself From a Horrible and Broken Marriage

Far too often, when a husband is threatening to leave you, the marriage is in a bad place to begin with.

jerk of a husband wants to leave you

Perhaps he thinks his threat of leaving you will give him the courage of following through.

Maybe he is just a mean spirited husband.

Maybe it is not that at all. Perhaps your husband has fallen into a rut, at your expense, of moaning and groaning about all the things he does not like about the marriage.

Either way, this type of behavior, in which a husband holds his wife emotionally hostage, is poisonous to the marriage.

And if you are going through an ordeal of a threat to leave or he is actually leaving you, prepare yourself for some rough waters.  But know there is a silver lining.  You can read about how to navigate such troubled waters in the article I wrote below.

Why is Breaking Up So Hard and Painful

Why Do Husbands Threaten That They Might Leave?

her guy wants to quit the marriage

If your husband is the type that lays down a breakup ultimatum, you need to understand is it probably due to a confluence of negative marital events that have been building up.

Perhaps in his mind, the problems the two of you may be experiencing may have reached a saturation point.

Maybe he is fed up, so this threat to separate from you or start divorce proceedings is reflecting a larger problem that he has been unable to get out in the open.

Or, the husband could be a real piece of work.  He may be narcissistic  and is making noises about ending things only to pursue his own selfish desires.

It is possible that the problems the two of you are experiencing as a couple are well embedded in his mind and so he feels there is no other recourse than to hint at what he secretly thinks he might do.

Maybe the marriage has turned into a sort of pressure cooker and your husband feels he has nowhere to turn to accomplish what he wants.

Distressed marriages can create a lot of emotional chaos for a couple and even the best of husbands or wives will succumb to the temptation of using language of a threatening nature to achieve a desired outcome.

I have seen a lot cases where the husband got so fed up with his wife, that he figured the best way to reach her was to turn to shock and awe.

But the fact is most people don’t respond well to being pushed around and backed into a corner.

When that happens within a marriage, the party being subjected to a bombardment of threats, will usually fight their way out of the position they are in.

Consequently, the marriage will take a turn for the worse.

And invariably, the couple will struggle, recover, then struggle again since the core issues have not been resolved.

Is Your Husband a Bully at Heart?

is your husband a bully

Let’s talk about another kind of threat that your husband may cast your way.

Some guys like to throw around threats and abusive type of language as a result of their personality makeup.  To them, they are blowing off steam.  To the recipient of their verbal fire, they are being obnoxious and self centered.

Your marriage may have withstood many occasions in which your husband’s threatening ways never played out.

It’s like he talks a good game, but when it comes to actually doing something about it, he falls short.

Still, living with a husband who behaves that way and carelessly tosses around possibilities of ending the marriage is unacceptable.

I realize that is easier said that done.  People form routines and become accustomed to what their spouses say.  They can usually tell when the threat is something to take seriously.

Nevertheless, a relationship tends to deteriorate if either party to it are insecure about its future.

Far to often I have heard disturbing stories of husbands that decided that being a bully was their way of exerting control in the relationship.

If your husband likes to play the role of bully or control freak, then it would not surprise me if he sought to make you feel insecure about the future of the marriage.

Does Your Husband Turn to Cruel Tactics

is your husband cruel

It is a cruel for any husband to seek to intimidate their wife.

I actually think that when husbands turn to threats to get their way, they are actually showing just how small and meek they really are.

I mean really, what kind of husband  is so insecure that he has to throw his weight around to get you to do something or agree with a certain course of action.

For just a moment, conjure up a picture a big guy who is fit and muscled up, towering over his wife insisting that if she does not do this or that, he will end the relationship.

Yet, unfortunately, it happens far too frequently.

Personal power within the marriage should be evenly split between the husband and wife.  When that balance is out of alignment, then usually the marriage will also fall out of alignment.

When a husband employs cheap tactics like brow beating or using his physical presence to intimidate, he is flexing his personal power in all the wrong ways.

I think of such guys as cowardly.

And if this is the kind of behavior your husband frequently turns to, then know he is showing his true colors….the colors of a guy who is deeply insecure and has some control issue or other hangups.

With some guys that is what it is all about. They may think their trump card is to utilize threatening tones about them walking out of the marriage.

And if you find yourself in such a relationship, I have some advice for you as well.

Let’s hear first from one of my actual clients.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years.  When he can’t get his way, he tries to intimidate me and gets verbally abusive.  It makes me feel small and threatened.  What should I do?  When I stand up for myself and try to put my husband in his place, he just get’s angry and ups the ante.  I have learned that to avoid constant bickering and his wrath, it is best I conform with what he is saying.  I know it’s wrong and marriages are not supposed to work that way.  I know my life is completely wrapped around his. But I don’t want to lose him and he is constantly reminding him that there are plenty of other women out there for him.”

My heart bleeds when I hear from clients whose husbands are domineering to such an extent that they force their wife into a submissive posture.

Such relationships are seldom happy in the long run because he balance of personal power is out of whack.

You see, in a healthy marriage , two people are connected and bonded in a way that is beautiful.  They become a union.  They also have an equal say in things that are important to the relationship.

But at the same time, the two loving individuals should have their own life and individual pursuits.  It is perfectly reasonable for the husband or wife to do things they enjoy, even without the other party being involved.

But when you have a situation in which the husband resents and becomes angry with their wife because she is exercising some self freedom, individual thought, or pursuit of personal interests, you have the makings of a one-dimensional, self-serving marriage (i.e. self serving for the husband in this example).

What To Do If Your Husband Threatens to Make Good on Your Worse Fear?

stand up for yourself

It is said that “fear” is the mother of all of our anxiety.

We can become paralyzed with indecision when we feel threatened.  We can also fall prey to what I call the “Prisoner’s Dilemma”.

In a way, if you are in a relationship in which your husband often feels it is permissible for him to threaten and push you into agreeing with him or doing things you would rather not, you are a prisoner in marriage.

Like I said earlier, there may be instances where you husband just “loses it” and starts in on you with, “you better do this…” or  “if you ever do that

But let’s say that kind of language and behavior from your husband is the exception.  If such is the case, I would NOT characterize your relationship as one in which either of your hold their love as a prisoner.

We all screw up and say stupid things and impulsively insist on something that we later realize comes off as pushy and obnoxious.

But let’s say the beast has risen up out of your husband, yet again.  And let’s say that this is not the first time he has sought to intimidate you with one of those either/or statements.

How should you handle it?

Well, first off, if your husband is a repeat offender in terms of trying to bully you into submission, then let’s be honest.

The problem is greater than just this once instance.  He is probably used to getting his way and his threat to you could be just him reverting back to what has worked for him in the past.

Now, I am not saying your  husband is on the verge of terrorizing you with his threatening ways.  But when a spouse turns to manipulative behavior to achieve their desired outcome, then we what I consider a meaningful dysfunction in the marriage.

This kind of relationship dynamic (i.e. husband frequently making threats to his wife) is not sustainable, particularly if he is holding the marriage up for hostage.

Case Study of the Horny and Vindictive Husband

vindictive husband threatens to leave

Let’s hear from a few other clients that had this very thing happen to them:

My husband just freaked out because I was not in the mood. It’s not the first time he has behaved badly.  I am tired of being browbeat to death.  What do you do when withholds his affection as punishment.  I feel victimized and pressured.  I know he sometimes will shoot off his mouth and deep inside he doesn’t mean it. Sometimes he comes back and apologizes.  But not this time.  He is not this way all the time, but should I be worried that our marriage is hanging in the balance if I don’t want to have sex with him when he wants it?

My advice to her was to allow her husband to calm down. From what she told me, her husband did not “lose it”.  It appears part of the problem is the husband’s perception of being sexually rejected by his wife.  The other problem revolves around his misbehavior in the aftermath.

So it doesn’t sound like her husband is a monster or a cruel kind of guy.

Based on the other things she told me, they enjoy a relatively healthy sex life. Their frequency of intimacy is well within the normal range.

So I suggested that when he calms down she should explain to her husband, without emotion or any hint of being angry, that when he speaks to her in that way, it hurts her deeply inside. She needs to personalize the consequences and impact of his behavior.

Then I told her to reinforce that she deeply wants to have an even better sex life and that they should actively work on that together.

I told her to keep it at that.  Sometimes the less you say the better.  Allow the husband an opportunity to digest what has been said.

I explained that she should not expect the perfect response from her husband.

He may still grumble.  There could be some after quakes.

Then I told her the next time the moment is right for both of them, she should try to introduce something new and erotic into their next sexual encounter.

Men are usually much more amenable to talking about things they hole up inside after intimacy.

Her husband would likely be more receptive to listening to her fears and insecurities about what he said in the past or how he has  behaved.

Her husband, like most men, want to feel like they are protecting their wife. Particularly, their beautiful sexy, wife in which they just shared an incredible intimate moment with.  Men are primal in that way.

It is important to keep the discussion positive and very brief as you don’t want it to take over the shining moment you created with your husband.  Think of it as you are just planting a little seed.  The power of suggestion should never be underestimated.

Case Study of the Selfish, Irresponsible Husband

when he acts selfish

Sometimes a client will have an even more serious situation in which she feels like the marriage could be on the blocks.  For example:

My husband of two years is on the rampage.  He keeps saying he is tired of it all and wants out. That he wants his freedom again. He won’t come out and say it exactly, but I know he is referring to our marriage. A few months ago he agreed that we should start a family, but it took months to get him to that place.  I am afraid his threatening tones with me is a harbinger of worse things that will happen.  Could he be resentful of me just because I want to have his baby?  He just won’t open up and talk specifics.  He keeps muttering things about how he is tired of feeling stressed and tied down and that I could do better.  I think my husband is having a crisis of sorts, but I am not sure what to do.”

At first glance, it seems like my client’s husband is acting like a real ass.

We men can do that.  It is sort of wired into our nature.  We can get into our selfish uncommunicative mode and retire to our man cave.  Meanwhile our wife is out there trying to figure out what is wrong with us and what to do.

Efforts to talk with us can be met with silence or pleas to just leave us alone.

I told my client that there comes a time when you draw the line and she was nearing that place.  It is not sustainable to allow your husband to resort to constantly threatening to possibly dump you.

Sometimes you give a guy time to work things out.

You can gently steer him back to the right path.  But once his harangue becomes a routine, that is when things are out of control.

So I suggested to her a two-step plan.

Step 1:  When he starts back into his dialogue of “woe is me” and starts complaining about stress.  Agree with everything he says.  Tell him he does look stressed and confused and that he obviously needs time to work it out.

Then turn it around and tell your husband that you too are also feeling a lot of stress and confusion because your husband keeps  running down the marriage and hinting around at leaving.

Speak of him in the 3rd person (e.g. My husband seems lost).

Then explain to him, in an unemotional, calm way, that you are going to be leaving the house for a day or two so you can work through some of the feelings of rejection you are experiencing.

Tell him he will have the entire house to himself to work through his issues.

State that eventually the two of them will need to sit down and have an honest and open discussion because you no longer want to live this way (i.e. with the threat of something foreboding hanging over you).

Step 2:  At this stage, there is usually one of two things that will happen.  Your husband will try to stop you from leaving and want to sit down and really talk about what is going on.

Essentially, you have given him a taste of what the repercussions are of his behavior.  You have set down a marker as to what you will tolerate and he has folded his cards.

Of course, it does not mean that all your troubles are solved.  But it is a step in the right direction.

My client had been understanding and had tolerated several instances in which her husband made veiled references about leaving her. But now she should convey that she will no longer be a willing party of that kind dialogue.

Furthermore, by taking this kind of approach, you are essentially saying that the marriage is off the tracks and an intervention of some kind is needed.

It could be a type of martial intervention where both husband and wife can work it out by sitting down and talking to get to the heart of the problem.

Or if need be, the intervention could be seeking marriage counseling from an outside party.

Your Husband Acts Like He Doesn’t Care

stand up for yourself

The other way this could turn is the husband halfheartedly or even angrily says,”go ahead and leave”

In which case, you should do exactly what you said you would do.

You are not storming out with outrage and bitterness.

Rather you are calmly getting your overnight bag (which you would have packed ahead of time) and walking away.

As an added touch, consider telling your husband you love him as you leave and genuinely tell him you hope he can chase away the “demons” he is wrestling with in his mind.

Step 3:  During your 1-2 nights away, try not to over process things.  Call a girlfriend to spend time with you if you think you need some moral support.

Essentially what you are doing is giving both yourself and your husband time to decompress. The idea is you want your husband to eventually recognize that he is behaving badly, otherwise you would not be instituting this cooling off period.  You want him to realize that he set these events into motion with the things he has said.

So if he is upset with where all this has ended and that you are gone, then he should be upset with himself.  Sometimes it takes awhile for a guy to get to that place where he can accept that his irresponsible comments has mushroomed to a bigger problem.

If your husband has been tossing out threats of leaving like such a thing is normal, it should give him cause to reconsider his behavior.

Sometimes reality has a way of crashing down on you when you see that your selfish and inconsiderate words or behaviors can have repercussions.

These situations in which you are feeling like you are being held hostage by your husband’s use of words can vary greatly depending on all circumstances.

There is not any one step solution that works for everyone.

But I do know what does not work.

A marriage will not be successful if either the husband or wife are living on the edge of their seat afraid that the relationship could come to an end.

That is dysfunction and is not sustainable.  This type of situation will cause you both more harm as time goes by.  And as result, you should have very little tolerance for such an environment.

My Ex Husband Wants Me Back – Should I Take Him Back?

I want you to try to put yourself in the place of this woman, my client, whose ex husband abandoned the marriage to take up with another girl, only later to discover that the two of them were incompatible.

Now her ex husband (actually they are still married) wants her back and she is struggling with whether she should take him back.

Let me tell you her story and then I will cover off on what I suggested she should do.

Ready!  Here we go:

My Ex Wants Me Back, But I am Not So Sure

should you take him back

He had left me for another woman and I said to myself that I would never forgive him.  Unbelievably, I have just heard from him and he wants to talk about us putting the pieces of our marriage back together again.

I Can’t Believe My Husband Deserted Me

He had destroyed my life and our marriage, all because of the fancy he had for some young thing he had met.  It sickens me to even think about how he could just throw it all away in an instant.

When my ex husband told me that our marriage  was tired and worn out, I simply couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth.  I felt like a piece of discarded meat.

For years we were a pretty happy couple. Sex was good and we did things for each other.  Vacations were memorable and we talked more of having children.

Now my husband wants me back and I am struck by the question of whether I should take him back.

Just the thought of him back in my bed after he has had sex with his girlfriend just freaks me out.

I toss and turn over the thoughts of his betrayal in my mind every night. When I see another couple or a romantic movie or anything involving intimacy, I always reminded of the deep anger and sense of betrayal that is trapped inside me.

When he walked out of our marriage, thinking he was so much in love with this other woman, I initially could not even believe it was happening.  His insistence that all the sizzle of the marriage was gone and that he wanted to move on seem to come from nowhere.  His utterances made me so disgusted with him.

How could he so casually erase all the good moments and experiences we had together these past two years?

A Story Of Love Found, Then Lost

losing husband and love lost

I think back to those days we had together as man and wife and I truly believed what we had together was special.

I guess all couples when they are going through that dating and falling in love phase feel that way.  But I truly believed he was the one for me and fell head long in love.

Most of our time together was pretty good.  I could count on my husband and he did things to make me happy and feel protected and secure.

But all that went out the window when he took up with this younger, prettier version of me.

On & Off Again Relationships – How To End the Cycle

It makes me angry that he left me on what seems like an impulse and now he wants me back in his life like he can decide all the things that are important to us as a married couple.

What do they call it when your angry feelings with your husband who has skipped out of the marriage to go chase after another women gets mixed in with thoughts of when the two of you really “worked” as a couple.

I guess you can call me sadly conflicted.

We were content with each other and our own little love story we had created.

But on one unforgettable night last Fall, our little fairy tale marriage came tumbling down.

That is when he so casually broke the news to me.

It was stupid of me to think that my husband somehow was the “one” that was going to lift my life into another happiness zone.

Of course, I know it is a lot easier to feel like a dummy when your husband runs off with some tramp of a girl.

But how stupid would it be if I gave in to my man’s desire to get back with me.  I am not sure if I want him back or if he deserves to be back with me.  I know I deserve him because I never gave up on our marriage.  I didn’t cheat on him or even think of abandoning him.  And while I admit I leaned on my husband a lot, he needed me too.

It is Foolish To Be Completely Emotionally Dependent On Any Guy

don't depend on husband for everything

I know it was foolish of me to think I could rely on my husband and wrap so much of my life around him.

I realize now that it was a huge mistake to think my husband would always be there for me and not with some younger version of myself.

I still struggle with why my ex husband did not have enough self-control to keep his promise to me.  I know it is silly, probably even pitifully sad, to think this way because it wasn’t just that he had sex with this girl. but he gave her his heart.

That is the part that tears me up.

My ex husband gave away his heart to this woman who is not me. How could he have just forgotten every moment we had together?   Didn’t our past life count for something?  All I could think was my ex husband had no impulse control or even self-respect, because here he was now asking me to give him another chance.

Can you belive that my ex husband had the nerve to tell me that his new woman reminded him of a fitter, leaner, and tanner me.

Just thinking of those stupid words makes me delirious with rage.  I knew one of his failings was his preoccupation with body image, often his own.

My ex was always working out and exercising and begging me to do so.  Look, I am no beauty queen, but my figure is attractive and I am fit.  I have known that my husband possessed these petty notions about looks and fitness, but I never thought they would mushroom into catalysts for him wanting to take up with another girl.

I was sickened he would stoop so low to compare me to his new little honey. Actually I think of her mostly as the “bitch” that stole away my husband.

Take Your Ex Back or Not?

take him back or not

I remain troubled about taking him back.

Why should I since my husband disrespected me, cheated on me, humiliated me, and caused me to fall into a headlong depression?

He told me later he was going through some kind of mid life crisis and just got caught up with this woman, which he assures me was a mistake.  All I could think of as he told me is sappy little love story is that in one moment he is professing his love for me and in the next, he tells me he loves this other girl.

When he first told me he wanted “us” to try again I wanted to tear off his face and scream down his throat.  Does he have any idea how far he has set back what is left of our marriage?

It’s like he doesn’t have a clue.

He goes off with this pretty thing and lives it up and then when it doesn’t work out, crawls back asking me, his dutiful and loving wife, for forgiveness.

Except he got one really big thing wrong in his calculations.  I am no longer the same person I was before he left me.  I am not the dutiful wife.  I am flooded with thoughts of divorcing him and just the thought of him asking me to give it another try makes me want to slam the door on his face.

The only thing that keeps me hanging in is that my husband does have a sexual hang up.

It is somewhat embarrassing to talk about, but I think it did play a factor in his decision to betray me.  And I have to admit,  there is one other thing that is compounding my whole decision of whether to give it another go with him.  I suspect this was not his first fling.

You see, my ex husband has what I think is a sexual addiction.

He is obsessed with his body image and also overly focused on his performance in bed.  He is constantly badgering me to have sex and doesn’t seem to get enough pleasure. I think he secretly takes Viagra to prolong the experience.

He does seem to exhibit the classic symptoms of an obsessive compulsive sexual addict.  So I am afraid he has taken his sexual needs outside of our marriage before.

Part of me doesn’t want to know. Another part of me is furious what he did with this other girl.  And still another part of my psyche is telling me he that he will always be this way and it will happen again and I will be miserable.

Earlier in our marriage, he would fancy himself as quite the playboy.

My ex husband would stay up late watching dirty, pornographic movies. I caught him a few times pleasuring himself.  I was offended and wanted to know why wouldn’t he just come upstairs and be with me.  My ex never gave me a good reason.

We would argue and it would become between us and it made me feel inadequate that my husband would find these other outlets for his sexual needs.

It made me feel like I was not enough for him or that I was doing something wrong.  So I read up on everything about sex and pleasing one’s husband and we tried a lot of things and it did add spice and our love lives improved.  But then later I would again catch him with the porn.

I guess in those days, my husband’s mistress was the filthy, dirty images and videos he could find.  I eventually just relented and turned away from it, thinking there wasn’t much I could do to change that part of him.  I pretended it was not happening and he acted like everything was just fine.

At the time, I didn’t think his actions were a deal breaker for our marriage. I believed that he could get help and we could work through it if it got out of hand.

But it turned out to be all for not.

At the time he just wanted to do his thing and get away with it.  But when it mushroomed to him actively cheating on me, then humiliating me with these sickening body type comparisons to this other woman, I had enough.  I told him I wanted him out and at the time he was all too happy to comply.

Can I Trust What He is Telling Me?

do you trust he loves you or not

So I went through this whole period of being a naive, dutiful, and loyal wife. But now my feelings toward my ex husband have changed.  Bitterness is a word that hardly captures the depth of my feelings toward my ex.  My man has turned my world and marriage upside down and I am not sure if  I should ever forgive him and let him back in my life.

So like I was saying, out of the blue my good for nothing, lying, cheating, self-absorbed ex husband comes a calling.

Alright, I know I am going overboard with these insults at my ex husband, but do you know what….he deserves it.

Anyway, my ex hubby comes a calling and it was not one of those, “let’s just check up on you” type of visits.  Although we were unofficially separated, we did weave in and out of each other’s lives.

So on this particular little visit he came to me and said he wanted it all back. Everything.  The marriage, the love, the fun we use to have, the vacations, etc.

He wanted me to wipe away all of the things he did and just forgive him and give him another chance.  So that is the picture. My ex husband is standing there and telling me he wants me back, our entire life back like it is some kind of malleable thing that can be taken apart, then quickly be reassembled.

I thought to myself, is my ex nuts?

He went on and on about how we are meant for each other and had way too much invested into each other to just let it all slip away.

Sure, I thought, so what about your  little fling you had with your new girlfriend.  Of course, he had answers for all of that.  She was a mistake.  He had made a mistake.  He was not himself.  She had led him on.

I was pretty tired of hearing all this bull crap and told him to leave and never come back, but admittedly his insistence about us getting back together left an impression on me.

So this is where I am at.  What do I do in my situation?  How is it that I could ever expect to forget and forgive my husband for what he did to me?

Should I get back with my ex husband or would it be the mistake of my life?

What Do You Tell Your Ex Husband If He Wants Back In?

taking things slow with your guy

There is no one stock answer.

And the reason for that is everyone’s break up situation is different.  Let’s say you and your husband parted ways and it was a real rough going.  Let’s assume there were a lot of screaming and shouting and threats and plenty of ugliness.

Maybe he got verbally.  Maybe he was physically abusive.

So you see, your plan of action on how to handle your husband’s interest in returning to you is predicated on many things.   Your history together, the frequency in which there have experienced marriage fall outs, and the intensity surrounding the breakup are all important.

Given that, let’s come up with two possible scenarios.  Chances are you and your husband fall into one of these situations.  I am not saying that the things that went down between the two of you will identical match these possible scenarios, but pick one or merge the advice from two.

And please realize that if you your breakup situation with your ex involved excessive verbal or even physical abuse, neither of these two scenarios would be a good match.  Depending on your situation, it might be best to end things and move forward in a different direction.

Marriage Breakup Scenario 1:  The marriage was reasonably solid. Your history together could be characterized as mostly better than worse.  An affair or some other major event resulted in conflict and disagreement.  It is possible your marital issues persisted for a long time and the two of you have been separated for a few weeks or possibly longer. He reaches out to you as he desires to talk about a second start.

Suggested Action:  Meet him half way.  Arrange to talk with your former husband someplace neutral.  Don’t do so in your home or where you lived together.  The dynamics and the atmosphere will be different there and may awaken bad memories or you both may fall back into a familiar set of routines.

When you see him, just let him talk and listen a lot.  Tell him part of you wants to start over again, but another part wants to make sure this is for real. Allow the conversation to flow, but the emphasis should be on him talking about his experience.  You want him to come clean in every respect.  Then tell your side of how you feel about why the marriage collapsed and how it made you feel.  Don’t be accusatory or judgmental, just share what you felt inside so your husband understands.

After you have both told your stories, tell him you want to think about everything.  Explain that there is a lot to process.  Ask him to reach out to you tomorrow.

If he does, then you know this not just a passing fancy of his.  Talk with him and arrange for a date.  I know, it sounds odd that you would want your ex husband to take you on a date.  But it is an important part of the process of him showing you he really wants this and it also helps in the re-attraction phase.

Don’t have sex with him.  Just create an environment where he needs to take you out on a few outings (dates) to win back some trust.  Trust won’t all come back at once.  But these are steps in the right direction.

After all, he betrayed not just your marriage vows, but he slept with this other woman (assuming that is what happened) and so it will and should take time to rebuild trust.

Allow him an opportunity to show that your investment in him is worthwhile. Meanwhile, use this dating phase to recover from the many conflicted feelings you will likely continue to have.  Trust takes time to return in full force.

Breakup Scenario 2: In this case the marriage was having its ups and downs. When you parted, it was a rough experience for you both, but mostly you.  You have some solid history together and have known each other for some years now.  But the pain of the marriage break up lingers.   Perhaps it has been a good while since the separation.  But now your ex is making overtures about the two of you giving it a go.

Suggested Action:  Your ex husband will need to prove that he is serious about winning you back.  He needs to demonstrate this not about sex or some impulsive desire that has possessed him.

Tell him you are not sure if this is best for you given all that has happened between the two of you.  Tell him you need time to think about it all.  Ask him to contact you next week.

If he does, then you know he is on the right track of making this work.  Talk with him and tell him you want to hear his story of everything.  Arrange to meet with him somewhere public other than your residence.

Allow your ex husband to tell you what he thinks went wrong with the marriage.  Today you are going to be a listener.  Don’t be argumentative and don’t be too agreeable.  But be positive and friendly.

Keep the conversation on your husband’s take on things.  Ask him to explain why he thinks he behaved the way he did.  This will give your further insights into a great many things.  For example, will he be open and share his feelings? Will he tell you the truth of what happened and why he thinks it happened?

Ask him to explain what he thinks the solution is going forward.  Remember, you are the “listener” and are trying to facilitate the conversation in such a way to learn more about your ex husband’s perspective on things.

Don’t draw any judgments, good or bad.  At the end of the meeting, tell him you would like to share with him your thoughts, but that you are not ready to do that today.

Schedule another meeting with him such that you can describe what you think went wrong with the marriage and how his actions and behaviors have affected you.

If after these discussions with your man, you feel that reuniting with your ex husband is still a good idea, then take things slow.

Proceed with rebuilding trust through the dating process as I described above.

Remember, you want to take little steps.

There should be no rush to regaining trust.  And you will need that before you make any decision about giving your husband another chance.


My Husband Does Not Appreciate, Respect and Want Me

Love, honor and appreciation are three of the most important and vital aspects of a marriage.  But what do you do if your husband seems not to appreciate or even want you?

Why does this phenomenon seem to happen far to often in marriages?

In the beginning of your courtship with your husband, you remember all of the little things he did to show his love and appreciation.  There was no doubt in your mind that he wanted you in his life and acted like you were his “everything”.

Why doesn't my husband care about me

But as time as dragged by and the marriage settled into predictable routines, you begin noticing that your husband just does not seem to have the same feelings of intensity for you.

It may become harder to turn him on.

How To Turn On Your Boyfriend or Husband

Perhaps he is no longer doing those little things that demonstrate his appreciation.  Maybe, he is not checking in with you to see how your day is going like he use to.

Maybe he is not giving you that nice back rub that you so much use to enjoy. Perhaps there are issues in the bedroom and you begin to wonder why he doesn’t seem to want you in that way.  Or after sex, when the two of you use to cuddle and talk about everything, now he seems too ready to just move on to something else.

Why Does My Husband Act Like He Doesn’t Care About Me Anymore?

my husband won't pay attention to me

What has happened, you wonder, that has caused your husband to look at you differently?

You might start to question whether it is your appearance that is turning him off.  Is it maybe those few extra pounds you gained that makes him love and appreciate you less, you worry?

Your mind can wander to all kinds of fantastical places.  Could he have a new lover and now thinks of you as more of a roommate?

No doubt, when you feel less loved and when your husband seems to not care as much about you and appears to be less concerned about your welfare and your happiness, it can cause you to question if he has moved on in his life, without you.

If you are having these kinds of  worries and concerns about how your husband treats and acts around you, you are not alone.

If you are plagued with feelings of inadequacy or if you are questioning whether you are doing something wrong to cause your husband to withdraw his affections, you are not the only woman who is in search of the guy she married.

It is not an uncommon refrain I hear from women.

And you know what?

You really deserve better.  You deserve an answer.

Becoming The Ungettable Wife in Your Husband’s Mind

A relationship is not sustainable if you think your husband does not show kindness and appreciation toward you.

A relationship will become dysfunctional if you truly believe your husband doesn’t want you sexually or he simply acts like he doesn’t want you around.  If your husband treats you like an afterthought or like some kind of pest that is in his way, then the marriage is off kilter.

Don’t Panic if Your Husband is Missing in Action!

is your guy missing in action

Now I don’t want you to panic if you find yourself in a situation where your husband seems to be behaving differently toward you.

There will naturally be ups and downs in his behavior where he seems disconnected. Your husband’s behavior and attitude where he comes off as less caring could be attributed to any number of things happening in his life.

It doesn’t  necessarily mean he loves you less.  He could be experiencing some issues at work or personal issues that has caused him to withdraw.

You might pick up on these vibes and think that he is withdrawing from you. You may falsely conclude that it must be “you” he is upset with.

Guys can be that way.  They can encounter certain stresses and worries and their anxious feelings can cause them to retreat into themselves.

Instead of reaching out to get your love and support, they internalize the issue and when doing so, don’t want to be bothered.  They might push you away just so that they can get inside their own head to figure what they want to do with their problem.  Many husbands can be this way and as a result, the signals between the two of you can get crossed.

These kinds of situations are usually intermittent in occurrence and do not suggest a larger trend or breakdown in the marriage.

What if Your Husband Makes it a Habit of Not Showing You Affection?

But what if it is not that?

What if the lack of affection coming from your husband is not due to a short-term problem, but more of a pattern or routine.

What if your husband makes it a habit to ignore you?

What if he seems to direct little of his attention your way?  What if you feel like you are living alone, even when he is in the very same room?

What does it mean if your marriage has taken a turn down a road with empty promises and little affection?  How do your recover from endless days of a broken heart.

It’s Time To Bring Back Your Husband

get your husband back soon

I want you to remember something as we progress through this article.

Just because your marriage has seemingly turned toward a different direction does not mean you cannot revitalize those feelings that existed earlier.

None of those times you and your husband had together where he made you feel valued and loved were products of your imagination.  It really did happen and his expression of consideration and appreciation were not a mirage.

What happens to many relationships is that the sizzle and enthusiasm of new and fulfilling experiences can fade into the background.  What often replaces them are the routines in which you both tend to gravitate to your own interests, at the expense of each other’s company.  Not spending quality time together alone can be a big problem for married couples.  On that note, take a look at this post I wrote on the topic.

How To Save Your Troubled Marriage

Sometimes what happens with a couple is one of them may be more selfless and demonstrative of their loving feelings.   When the other individual fails to even meet them halfway, it is usually suggestive of a little something that has gone haywire with how the couple communicates and interacts.

I have some ideas for you and your husband if you have found that your relationship has turned stale.  If you believe your spouse is not expressing enough appreciation for you, irrespective of what has happened between the two of you before, there are some things you can do to help improve the situation.

I have had a number of wives reach out to me over the years telling me about their husband’s lack of enthusiasm.   I have heard it all and am afraid to say that these women are not just sounding off.

More often than not, the complaints I get from women are not the pouring out of sorrows as an expression of a pity party.   In these instances below, the sentiments some of my clients have expressed were not empty complaints. Rather, these wives were suffering and in many cases, their husbands had no clue.

My husband takes me for granted.  I seldom get a thanks or expressions of appreciation for all that I do for him.  I am like a female roommate to my husband.  I maintain my own career, take care of the kids, cook and keep the house clean and seldom do I get a sweet, heartfelt word of thanks.”

“I don’t think it’s working with my husband.  He seems to show little real affection, except when we make love and then it seems hurried.  His emotions are largely turned off to me.  I really don’t think he cares about what is going on in my life. He is like troubled if I approach him to talk about my day.  You asked me if I think the love between us is in the background.  I am not even sure if I could find much evidence of it, even if my life depended on it.  What is it with men that go stone cold in the marriage?  Any effort at showing he cares about me would lift my mood.”

“My husband use to do all the little things that made me feel valued and treasured.  Just little gestures like brushing the hair from my face or a quick hug in the kitchen.  Much of the time lately his efforts are labored in showing real affection.  I feel less respected and valued and am not sure if my husband even realizes how important it is to show me some kindness now and again.”  

These women are not unique.  The predictability of a married couple’s routines can be part of the problem.  But it is more than that too.  And sometimes, much more complicated than we realize.

Also, the way to be happy together in your marriage is to learn to be engaged in life and fulfilled when you are separate or apart from each other.

If you invest so much into your husband such that your mood and sense of self is unduly influenced by his behavior, then you have lost your balance.

It is important for all couples to seek to improve their relationship with each other.  But it is also very important for you to improve the relationship you have with yourself.  The two goals are entangled and are synergistic in their benefit.

I understand that the feeling of being ignored and under valued does not do a lot for your self-esteem.  When your husband pay little attention to the things you are doing or saying, it can make you angry inside and feel like you are the forgotten one.

So what can you do about that to change the relationship equation?

What Can You Do To Get Noticed By Your Husband

get noticed by your husband

So let’s talk about some solutions if you are feeling like you man doesn’t seem to want you or care to express the common courtesies of appreciation, respect, and heart-felt consideration.

Here is my list of 7 Things for how to wake up your husband to the realization that he should not take you for granted.

But before we get into all that, let’s start with something you should avoid doing.

What Should You NOT Do When Around Your Husband

don't nag your husband

Do not complain directly about his behavior in a solitary fashion.

You need to be more strategic.

The last thing most husbands want to hear about is how they don’t show you enough love and attention.  They don’t want to hear you complain about how they are not “sweet” or “attentive” like they use to be.

If you are going to talk about these things, do it in a manner and environment such that he will be more receptive.

For example, do so right after you have made love.  But don’t nag or criticize him about not paying you enough attention.  Rather, reinforce how when he does show you that he cares and appreciates you in large and small ways, it turns you on.

Tell him it makes you feel valued.  Whisper it in his ear.  He will be more receptive to your remarks in this environment.

Husband can shut down pretty quickly when it comes to visibly and emotionally demonstrating their feelings. When your husband drops the ball on offering you compliments and making your feel honored, it is best to coach them when the moment is conducive to them receiving and acting on your words.

Now remember, this is advice that applies to men in general.

Some husband actually will respond positively to direct communication about you feeling lesser appreciated.  You may not need to prime them to be receptive to your advice. They may not even realize they are taking you for granted.  And a conversation about this topic may be enough to awaken them to the fact that you need some attention.

That is a good thing if your husband is that way and simply needs a wake up call (delivered in a respectful and considerate way).

Then we have the opposite end of the spectrum.

Some husbands don’t care enough to say much of anything nice to you and if you dare complain about his manner, he get’s worse, even abusive.   This kind of husband is beyond being touchy or sensitive to criticism, but rather is just one of those selfish kind of brutes.

You know the type.   Or hopefully you don’t.

I am sorry if you are in that situation as that sounds like a very dysfunctional marriage and sometimes it is best to move away from that kind of relationship.

So what are some things you can do to get your husband to show that he DOES really want you?

  1. Spicing up the sex talk.  Often husband and wives get wrapped in their own worlds of things to do, planning activities, individual pursuits,  all the normal and or not so normal occasions of tension and anxiety.   Couples can get caught up in the drudgery and routines of their daily existence.  Sometimes a spark is needed to awaken some of the fire that lives inside of your husband.  And for a guy, one of the best ways to get the seed of attention and attraction planted in his mind is to use some sex talk.  What is that exactly?  Essentially, you can get some real mileage from making sexual references about any number of things. And if you couple that with a few suggestive and coy glances, you can set your husband’s mind a thinking about YOU.
  2. Dress to Impress.  This is yet another way to get up inside your husband’s mind.  You know better than anyone else what turns on your husband in the most subtle ways.  Find that special blouse or dress or whatever you wear to gain that attention you richly deserve.  Perhaps you are revealing a little something.  I know this all may sound a bit brutish that men need to have a sort of subtle sexual turn-on to get them to pay you a compliment or two.  But in large part, that is how men are wired.
  3. Be Confident and Independent.  Husband like it when their wives are confident in themselves. They also like it when their wives don’t come off as needy or complains a lot.  They gravitate to that personality type and tend to shy away from women who seem to be high maintenance.  They are more attracted and pay more attention to their wife if she pay less attention to him and has a lot of things going on in her life.  Build your own life outside of what you have with your husband.  If you want your husband to act like he really wants you, show him that you just might not need him at all.  I know it sounds odd, but men are attracted to those things that they can’t have.  They are drawn and are impressed to those women who seem to have their act together. Meanwhile, if you seek realize this state of what I call the “Ungettable Wife”, then you will discover he will be a lot more inclined to pay attention.
  4. Use the Mirroring Technique.  Sometimes you can influence your husband through some psychological techniques.  If you want your man to show you that he really cares, then teach him how.  Offer him a compliment and see if he reciprocates.  We often end up reflecting the behavior of our lover.  Show him the way through your words and actions and hopefully he will mirror your behavior.
  5. Play Act That You Feel Under Appreciated.  Sometimes, the best way to get your husband to stand up and notice you is to do some play acting.  For example, you can just go into a swoon and set off into an oral monologue about how you feel so “UNDERAPPRECIATED”.  Play it up.  Make it a performance and have some fun.  Lace you monologue with some wit and sarcasm.  Then saunter on over to your husband and lightly kiss him on the cheek declaring, “If only I could find a man who really shows he loves me”.
  6. Touch a lot.  Yep, we are right back to the touchy, feeling stuff!  Men like it.  Women like it.  The mere touch or hug from someone who loves you and really cares for you will awaken the chemistry in their mind.  Oxytocin will flow.  Up the ante when it comes to touching and mix in some sensual touching.  Give you husband an intimate massage.  If you can’t get him to express some appreciation after that my ladies, then we could be dealing with an ice man.
  7.  Build up his ego.  My last point I want to make also taps into the primitive nature of men.  They like everyone else has an ego.  But men wear their egos more proudly and if you can find ways to help build him up, he will feel good about himself and as a consequence those good feelings can cause him to share the love and attention. He will enjoy being around someone that makes him feel important.


Why Doesn’t My Ex Husband Miss Me After the Breakup

If you want you ex husband to miss you after going through a tough and painful divorce or breakup, then you must have your reasons!

You must believe that you and your ex husband have some unfinished business and you are determined to get the marriage back on track.

why does your husband not miss you

Perhaps the two of you have been together for a long time and those bonds of marriage have tied you together.  Studies show that the longer a couple is together in marriage, the greater their chances of remaining married.

So just perhaps you are hanging part of your hopes on the fact that your ex husband won’t be able to easily forget the good times.  That he will miss you more than he himself may realize right now.

What Might Compel Your Ex Husband To Miss You

make your husband long for you

I think these are some of the things that can cause a wife, whose ex husband has seemingly moved on, to feel there is a worthwhile chance to get him back.

But it has to be more than that, right?

You are not going to feel compelled to pursue your ex husband unless there are other things going on.  I am not talking about your love for him. We know that that is nearly impossible to erase.  You know what I mean.

What I am talking about is more basic and core to relationships between men and women. Once you have shared a number of years with a person, that attachment and connection simply does not just vanish like a disappearing act.

You might wonder if he is getting tired of you.  I delved into this topic in this post….

Is My Husband Over Me or Just Tired of Being Married To Me?

The special memories you experienced with your ex husband are not simply figments of the mind that you or your ex can shove off into the back of your brain.

cause your ex husband regrets

These thoughts have a way of just percolating up.

Remember this, because later, I am going to show you how you can leverage the fond thoughts of the past to cause your ex to miss you and even reconsider if the breakup, separation, or divorce was the right thing to do.

Of course, there may be some very pragmatic reasons for why you want your ex husband to think about giving it all another try.

Maybe there are children involved and you want to keep the family together for the good of the kids.

It could be that there are financial considerations.  Perhaps your religious convictions cause you to turn over every stone to make the marriage work again.

So I understand there are probably a lot of things you are thinking about.

Maybe your ex husband was the love of your life and after being apart from him, you realize that if you can make him miss you as much as you miss him, something good will assuredly come from it all.

And perhaps so.

But when it comes to love, romance, marriage,  and eventually broken hearts, not everything is so easy to sort through and figure out.

So that is why before I proceed with giving you some pointers on how you can make your ex husband really and truly miss you in all the right ways, I have to ask you, “Are you sure?

Do You Really Want Your Ex Hubby Back in Your Life?

is it worth taking your ex husband back

Are you sure you want him to miss you in such a way that he becomes part of your everyday life?

What if he does come back to you shortly after the ink is dry on the divorce? Will you be ready to completely commit to all the hard work necessary to make the relationship successful?

Do you think your ex husband has truly changed?

Are you sure you are not acting on your own insecurity and anxiety of being alone?

Can you be sure that you are not driven by your brain chemistry which in many ways has caused you to be addicted to the comforting routines you and your ex husband participated in when you were married?

Could you be putting too much stock in those good memories when you were happily married and things seemed to be going well?

How will you feel if you choose to reunite with your ex husband, only to discover that he was just looking for a sexual encounter?

Are worst, you and your husband hook up again and he returns to his old ways, causing friction and unhappy times to creep back into the marriage.

I know!  That is a lot of questions.

And quite honestly, I think they are tough relationship questions for anyone to answer.  So I guess I am trying to tell you that if you don’t feel like you have good answers, then slow things down.  Don’t rush into something that you may later regret.

But I Really Want My Ex Husband Back in my Life…

when you are sure you want your ex back

But let’s say you are really sure you want your ex husband back.

Let’s assume you have all the right reasons to give it another go and you are willing to take the risk of putting yourself “out there” again.

Let’s say that you are certain you want your man back and the idea that you can do something to cause your ex to miss you terribly is music to your ears.

So what can you do to get your relationship back on track?  I answered this question in the post below….

What Does My Relationship Need To Get Back on Track

When one of my clients, Brenda, asked me to help her with re-attracting her ex husband, that was pretty much all she was thinking about.

She wanted to know what she could do to get him back and reasoned she needed to get him into a receptive state of mind.  She wanted her husband to feel like his life was incomplete without her in it.

She and her ex husband had made a good run of marriage.

Sure, things didn’t work out so well in the end, but the way Brenda looked at it, that was just a hurdle for them to both get over.

Now, let me tell you something about Brenda.  She was not a woman who had wild aspirations about getting back  with her ex husband.  She didn’t think he was her Prince and she was the Princess and things could simply fall in place and they would live happily ever after in their kingdom of marriage.

In fact, she was pretty pragmatic and down to earth.  She knew that the marriage had a foundation.  It collapsed when her husband found out that she had a fling with a co-worker.  It was a huge mistake and she knew it.

At that time of the affair, she didn’t quite see it that way. Their marriage had gotten worn out.  Sex occurred less frequently and the fun and spontaneity they use to enjoy had taken a back seat to the drudgery of life.

While the relationship was comfortable for them both, she had longed for something new and exciting.  Well, she found that, she thought, with another man she had met at work and the affair was carried out in secrecy for several months, at least until it was discovered.

That is when the enormity of the huge mistake she had made by straying came crashing down.  She saw the pain that her promiscuity had caused her husband (and herself).

Looking back, she realized that what she and her ex husband had was a pretty solid marriage.  It was far from perfect, but it was working and could have improved if she had not acted impulsively to enter into an affair.

Making the Marriage Work the Second Time Around

making the marriage work again

She wanted her man back. That is what motivated Brenda.

But how do you get your husband to give you a second chance when you know you blew up the marriage the first time around?

She sincerely believed her marriage in the past had been resilient and refused to believe that one terrible mistake which was borne from her own selfishness was enough to derail the relationship forever.

I have seen plenty of cases like this where a couple enjoyed many good years, but there was insufficient effort by the husband and wife to occasionally refresh.  Every marriage benefits from being reinvented in some ways.

Relationships can grow stale if your routines and habits become to predictable.

I wrote a rather long post on this topic about things a couple can do to maximize their happiness.  Take a look.

How To Save Your Troubled Marriage

Brenda was still struck by the memories of better days and was convinced that her ex husband could be convinced to give her another try.

But how would she make him long for her?

I turned out, she was full of thoughts on the topic!

What can I say!

The lady I was advising was very determined to make things right.  So that was definitely helpful in trying to heal a failed marriage.

How Can You Get Your Ex Husband to Turn the Page?

starting over with your husband

So how does one really go about making the man… the guy who you cheated on…… forget the whole episode?

Short answer.  That won’t happen, but you can help him turn the page.  But first you have to start with forgiving yourself.  That is critically important and I could write an entire post on that subject, but let’s move on.

How does a couple put behind them all of the rough and tumble  that spilled out of their breakup?

As you know, breakups are usually ugly and sometimes the worst damage occurs after the break when the anger and reprisals kick in.

Fortunately, there was not too much of that with Brenda and her husband.


She knew in her heart that he still loved her and was struggling with forgiving her over the extramarital affair.  She knew he was a proud man and had only recently gone against his true nature with some angry and bitter responses.

So she was of the mind that if she could replace the bad thoughts he was harboring for her and replace them with more pleasant and positive thoughts, it might lead to reconciliation.

I told her I agreed, but that it was important that she not try so hard to supplant all of the angry and upset feelings her husband was experiencing.

I explained that to a large degree, people need to go through different emotional phases in order to come out the other side, whole.

And in this case, in order for her husband to wade through his anger and resentment for her choosing to enter into an affair, she needed to allow some time to go by.

Possibly more than she was prepared to accept at the time we initially spoke.

There are some things that happen between people that cannot be forgiven for a good amount of time.  Trust has to be rebuilt.  And trying to force all that to happen to quickly can backfire.

So rushing her ex through his stages of grief, and yes that is what her husband was experiencing, would not serve her well in the long run.

That was a problem in the beginning with my client because she wanted everything to change immediately.  It just doesn’t work that way I emphasized.

He needs his time and space“, I reinforced.

“And by the way,” I told her, “if you have not done so already, you need to end the relationship with the other man. And your husband needs to understand this.”

I also explained that when it was time to rebuild attraction, it should be sprinkled in, over time.

Brenda, in the beginning of our consultation, was not convinced of giving her estranged husband so much alone time.  She struggled with pulling back. She was a natural extrovert and go getter.

She reasoned that the more time that went by, the greater the divide between the two of them would grow.

Also, way in the back of her mind, she feared he may stumble his way into the arms of another woman.

So there were a lot of things going on in Brenda’s mind during this aftermath period. I explained to her that her feelings of helter skelter was not unusual, but had to be contained.  I told her that in such times, we can be our own worst enemy by trying to push things too much.

A Determined Wife and a Reluctant Husband

chasing down your ex husband

Nevertheless, my client was exceptionally determined.

She rattled off all the things she wanted her husband to miss about her.

I could tell she had done quite a bit of thinking about this subject and was motivated to get up inside her ex husband’s head.  I am not saying she wasn’t on to something, but the way she wanted to approach things was a bit heavy handed.

So I talked her down.

I was seeing that she had become so worked up over this situation with her estranged husband, it had turned into an obsession.  My role was to slow her down and offer up some practical and thoughtful ways to re-ignite the missing spark between her and her ex husband.

As an illustration, here are some of the things she told me.  I am paraphrasing, but I think you get that she was dealing with some resentment issues as well.

I want him to miss the way I move and smell and what it is like to hold me in the night.

I want my ex husband to realize I am the best thing for him.”  

I  don’t want him to suffer, but he has to realize he can go on hating me all the time.” (I detected some anger behind this one!)

I envision this in my mind“, “she explained to me.  “He is watching me, even quietly stalking me to check out what I am up to.  I want him to wonder if I am with the other man”.

Yep, Brenda was quite a character.

One big advantage she possessed in my view is that she is a strong-willed woman.  She was beautiful and exceptionally motivated and knew what her ex had to offer and wanted him back in her life.

So I gave her a 3 step plan starting first with just cooling it with the jealousy plays.  Jealousy can be effective is its deployed correctly, particularly in very small doses.  But I never recommend using jealousy in cases when a relationship has be impacted by an affair.

3 Amazing Ways to Make Your Ex Husband Miss You

how to make your man come back into your life

If you are trying to get your ex husband’s attention, think small steps.

And I also want you to think of doing the opposite of what you might be thinking.

Most people want to pursue an aggressive approach, reaching out to their ex husband every day in an effort to win him back.

They end up sending far too many text messages.

They swing by unannounced at their ex husband’s place, hoping that something good will come of it.

They call their ex with a “made up” excuse to discuss something and at the first opportunity seek to guide the conversation to an area more personal.

This is usually the wrong approach.

It often better to do none of these things.  Rather, you want to do the opposite of what your ex husband might be expecting.

Perhaps he already senses you want to reconcile.  And certainly, if the marital breakup was over an affair, eventually you both will have some serious things to talk about when the time is right.

But what can often be more successful is practicing the “less is more” approach.

You do not have to adopt a full-out No Contact approach with your interactions with your ex husband.  Invariably, things will come up where the two of you have to talk.  But when you do, stay away (in those early days) from any topics that might lead to conflict.

I know.  That is is much easier to say, than done.  But it is imperative you avoid contact early on because the emotions could still be quite raw.

I prefer a passive aggressive approach to getting your ex to miss you.

Here are 5 ideas.

  1.  Keep all your social media accounts open. Don’t attempt to block him from looking at what is going on in your social life.  Chances are high that your ex will be checking up on you.  This is particularly the case if the separation and divorce was due to an affair on your part.  Or if the two of you parted in a contentious manner, he won’t be able to stop himself from checking up on you.  It is just ingrained in most of us to know what is going on. Remember, the two of you had a lot of history together.  You both enjoyed many private and intimate moments.  So his desire to keep tabs on you won’t just dissipate over night.  So use social media to your advantage.  Put up pictures of you looking happy (but no joyous) and in the company of friends (not men friends if you cheated on him). Sprinkle in some little nuggets of fond memories and experiences (i.e. travel, vacations, etc) you had with your ex. Just make a reference to it in a way that is comes off as a side comment, not the main topic. Make little, self revealing statements about how your ex was “truly a special person” and veiled references about how the “future is unpredictable” and how we all live with “regrets“.  Just put a piece of yourself out there, but in a subtle way so that it can be interpreted in different ways.  What you are doing is sprinkling little “breadcrumbs” for your ex husband to notice and eventually he may follow your trail, picking up on your availability.  Sometimes, all it takes is a small idea in one mind’s to take root.  Then it can grow to something bigger.  That is what you are trying to achieve with your ex.  Putting little seeds of thoughts in his mind and letting it slowly take root.   Over time, you sprinkle more seeds and allow his “garden of desire” to take shape.

2. Put a smile on your Ex’s face. After you have given your ex husband some space for a while, surprise him with a simple gift from a place like  You can get a gift and have it enclosed in a CRATE.  When it arrives at your ex husband’s place, he will have no idea what is in it and who sent it.  The gift should not be very expensive.  It really is just the thought  it came from you that counts.  It is hard to remain angry and bitter at someone when they send you a surprise in a CRATE. Men love tearing into things.  And his curiosity of what it is and who sent it to him will give your ex a memorable experience.  That is what you are trying to do.  It is a form of what is called “misattribution of emotion“.  The enjoyment and interest he derives from opening the big CRATE will be attributed to you.  Those positive emotions transfers to you in his mind.  So you are trying to replace some of the negative thoughts he may be harboring for you, with positive ones.

3. Become the Ungettable Wife.  The most effective way to cause your ex to want to be with you is to become the very best version of yourself.   To accomplish that, you need to be loving and nice to yourself.  You need to become your own best friend.  Take yourself out.  Pamper yourself.  Be sweet and kind to yourself. Face it, breaking up is really hard on your emotional health.  So if you are going to be in any position to re-attract your ex husband, then you need to become the most unforgettable and ungettable woman he has ever seen or met.  If that means losing some weight so you can fit in that lovely sexy dress you will be wearing in that next pic you will be posting on Facebook, then do it.  If that means you need to start a small business or get that promotion or do something to improve your independence and wealth, then do it.  And since we are talking about wealth, let’s not forget about growing your wealth of spirit and your wealth of good friends, and your wealth of places you wish to travel to.  These are some of the things you may need to do to repair your own hurt and pain and at the same time make yourself the most beautiful, sexy, and fun person to be around.  That is what the Ungettable Wife or Girl is all about.  She is ungettable, because men look at her and think, “wow, there is no way I could ever have that“!

In the case of your ex husband, you want him to think, “wow, do I really know that woman.  My god, she use to be my wife and look at her now!”

I am not saying you will need to achieve the absolute highest level of being the “ungettable wife”, but you can try.   You see, that is the thing about being ungettable.  No one really knows quite how to define and describe it.  But men can feel it and get a sense of it.  And whatever progress you make in better yourself, your ex husband will most assuredly notice.  Then he will starting missing you, his lovely, ungettable and unforgettable wife.