How To Arouse a Man – A Guide For Women

Arousing your man sometimes involves getting creative and exploring the edges of the forbidden zone.

Now, that sounds enticing, doesn’t it!

But it is true.  I often get queries from my female clients he ask me things like:

Chris, what can I do to really get my man aroused?”

“I am ready to explore the wild side with my boyfriend, but where do I start?

“Chris, my husband says I don’t do enough to arouse him. I have tried everything and feel like I must be doing something wrong. Help me?”

As you can see from these questions, women are dying to know that else they can do to keep their man happy, even thrilled.

arousing your man

Ah….but the answer to how one facilitates arousal is really not such a simple topic.

And it is not always what the woman does for her husband or boyfriend to create arousal. There is much more involved when we are dealing with the relationship arousal equation.

That is why I have written a 4 post series on this topic.  For example, if you wish, you can check out my latest post on the subject.

How To Turn On Your Boyfriend or Husband

But today, you are really in luck because first we are going to take you down the path of the Forbidden Zone.

Sounds nasty doesn’t it.

Really it is not!

We are going to keep all of this PG-13!

Then after we travel through this Land where arousal is foremost on the mind of your man, I will walk you through some other very important insights.

After all, you came here looking for advice on how to arouse your man.

So, whether your guy is your husband who is complaining of being bored or a boyfriend that needs a bit more satisfying….we will tackle the topic head on.

Arousing Your Man By Taking Him to The Forbidden Zone

arousing the beast in your man

 

Perhaps we should call this section of the post, “arousing the beast in your man“!

Women feel stimulated when they know their man is highly stimulated and vice versa.  Remember this point. We will come back to this theme a little later.

But let’s get on with your man’s most primal of desires.

It can be very stimulating for both the husband and wife if you are open to exploring new sexual encounters (with each other) and experiences.

I will often tell some of my female clients, “look, you need to try some things you have not done before, but you also need to use a bit of psychology.”

A man sometimes thinks about having sexual encounters with his wife that just might take them to the edge of the Forbidden Zone.

Just him focusing on such thoughts can stir up arousal.  It is like a call to his “primal” self where he thinks in terms of a raw, sweaty, wild and exhilarating sexual encounter.

Of course, it need not be quite that way, but thinking in those terms excites your man.  You can leverage those thoughts.

And if he believes that you too might be thinking about exploring the edges of the “forbidden zone“, that notion can be very exciting to him.

Later we will talk more about why your man thinks this way.  But for now, let’s explore ways in which you can capitalize on his fantasies.

The key is keeping things vague. Less is more.

Allow your husband (or boyfriend) to try and fill in the blanks with his own imagination.  If you are very sly and a tad bit naughty, you can paint a masterpiece of arousal.

You could for example, an hour before he comes home from work, send him a somewhat cryptic text.  Or, you could slip him an envelope for him to discover later.

You could say, “honey,  when you get home, I want us to talk about getting very naughty  tonight”.  Or, you could say, “let’s color outside of the lines when you get home tonight“.  If he responds back for clarification, wait an hour and then send him a pic of something that is mildly suggestive.  But keep it mysterious.

Let it all sink in and slowly build.  This is how arousal in your man takes shape.  It starts in the mind as a sliver of a thought.

wearing red can arouse your man

What Else Can You Do To Stimulate Arousal?

Certain colors can be highly arousing to a man.  Wearing red, for example, can suggest your readiness, which in turn gets your husband or boyfriend aroused.

But we are not here to simply talk about the influence colors have on your man’s mood.  But if you must know, “black” works as well.

Let’s push the envelope further.

I always like to find new ways to ask the same question.  Often we can get locked into one way of doing things, unless we challenge ourselves to expand our knowledge and experiences.

The act of asking the question, over and over, sometimes can help you find new and creative answers.

If you like what you found here in this post, then go read more of my articles.  You will discover there are many ways in which you can whip up your man into a sexual frenzy.

But I am not through with you yet!  Before you run off, let’s talk about some of the underlying science that speaks to this topic.

So what else do you need to know to be a better wife and companion to your husband (or boyfriend) in the area of sexual intimacy and arousal?

Let’s talk about oxytocin

love hormones can turn on your husband

The more you know about this hormone the better.

It is both a hormone and a neurotransmitter.  Your pituitary gland releases this wonderful chemical.  I have discussed how this brain chemical can influence your love life elsewhere on this website.

But, just in case you forgot what Oxytocin is all about, let me give you a quick crash course!

Oxytocin is a hormone released by the brain and is thought of as a chemical messenger that is important to human behavior.  It contributes to making us feel aroused to a point where even the most subtle of touches or glances can cause us to feel turned on.

Ah…there is that phrase again, “turned on“.

And that is exactly what you came here to learn about.  Even the slightest of touches or even a wayward glance can stir up a chemical reaction within the brain.

Oxytocin enables sexual arousal.  

This amazing love hormone helps us with perceiving things.  

It  enhances our ability to see and experience things more clearly.  

We can grow to trust and confide our deepest of secrets because of the effect it has on us.   Due to the release of oxytocin in our brain, we are able to form the deepest of attachments (bonding).  

Oxytocin is also known to reduce stress and promote relaxation.  

It is like a wonder drug.  

The challenge is figuring out how to naturally produce it because once it is loose within our brain chemistry, we feel a high like no other.

I guess that is why so many people refer to it  the “love hormone” or the “cuddle chemical”.  

Sounds pretty good, don’t you think.  But I think I know what else you are thinking!

You are probably wondering, “How can I get this juice flowing in my mind and in my husband or boyfriend’s mind?”

Good question.  It is not something we can pass out like candy.  Nor can we bake it into a batch of cookies.

There are triggers that cause it to be produced.

So what are these triggers that cause  oxytocin to surge?

I know that is what I would be thinking if I was you.   

Well, let’s talk about that.  Here are some things you can do with and around your lover that have been demonstrated to represent triggers for releasing oxytocin. 

  • Hugging
  • Smile and laughter
  • Prolonged eye contact
  • The combination of eye contact and smiling can be very effective
  • For Women: Wearing an attractive red dress or outfit signals sexual readiness
  • For Men: Wearing red signals power and higher status
  • Touching in a very light, subtle manner
  • Brisk walking and exercise (endorphins are released)
  • Listening to pleasant music
  • Singing
  • Sharing intimate information
  • Giving kindness
  • Use a Deeper pitched tone of voice (men)
  • Use a Higher pitched tone of voice, but not too high (women)
  • Exposing the curvature of your neck, extending a limp wrist, projecting full lips  (women)
  • Bringing your man to orgasm 
  • Leaning in and empathizing with your man
  • Mirroring (where you copy your husband gestures and movements)

Talking is Overrated When It Comes to Arousing Your Lover!

sleeping with you

I know!  I know!  It sound almost blasphemous.  I mean there is a whole industry that revolves around pick up lines.

But did you know that words account for only 7% of the communication which ultimately lead to attraction.  So it is not words that your man is hanging on.

But let’s explore this more.  What does it really mean when we say “words” are not the best way to produce attraction and arousal?

Well, essentially, research has revealed that talking is overrated.  

All those pick up lines we hear about usually flame out.  And when you start breaking down and identifying all of the ways in which we communicate and align them with what creates attraction, it’s the non verbal forms of communication that rule the day.

So what does that look like, numbers wise?

It turns out that our tone of voice accounts for 38% and body language (e.g. facial expressions, posture) accounts for about 55%.

Now, it is important to note that this numerical breakdown applies when people are talking about their feelings and levels of attraction for another.  It seems we pick up more cues from a person through non-verbal communication.  

Another interesting thing is that people tend to make up their minds rather quickly as to what they find as attractive.

If something turns you on, it usually happens almost instantly.  And if you are trying to decipher if you are attracted to someone, that does not take very long either. 

It is said that a person usually knows if they are attracted to another within 90 seconds to 4 minutes, once the conversation has started.

So, as you can see, this puts a premium on the first few minutes of whatever you plan to say to optimize attraction levels.

An Arousal Tip: Looking Into Your Husband’s Eyes

peering into your man's eyes

There was a very interesting experiment performed by Arthur Arun (Professor of Psychology at the State University of New York) regarding love and attraction.  

He asked his volunteers to find a complete stranger.  Then he told them to do 2 things:

  1. Stare into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes without talking
  2. Share intimate details about their life for 30 minutes.

At the end of the study, he found numerous subjects had formed a very close bond and felt deeply attracted.  Two of the couples got married.

So, if you are seeking to ignite that spark of arousal in your man, consider peering deeply into his eyes, while sharing something very intimate.

Your Man is Probably an Action First Kind of Guy!

Your man gets turned on by saving you

While non verbal communications seems to lead the parade on attraction, I am a pragmatic kind of thinker.  

I figure, “Hey, we all can’t just walk around and not talk much”.

People are always chattering about something. But there are telltale differences in how men and women talk in general.

You will be served by understanding these differences. 

Women tend to talk to connect.

Go to any playground and observe the differences in how boys and girls interact and you will see the girls more often pair off, talking to each other to form a connection.  

The boys will be running around, usually playing rough and tumble games.  The boys will tend to create competitive, combative situations.  

Whereas the girls, while they may be involved in activities, are usually carrying on a more intimate conversation and creating cooperative, social interactions.

Though boys grow up to be men, some things about our nature does not change a lot. Some of our preferences do not grow more sophisticated as we grow older.

Also, men are not known as being as social as women in some respects. They tend to retreat into themselves.  We often literally and figuratively prefer to retreat into our man cave to decompress, then later come out swinging.

Tell Your Man That When He Listens To You – It Turns You On.

man listens to wife

Guys are often criticized for not wanting to talk much.  

Don’t be too surprised if your man becomes impatient with listening to you.  In many respects, it is simply how men are wired. Often, your guy would prefer to be on the move, seeking out opportunities, challenges, and solving problems.  

It is a lot like the days when men tracked and hunted game and fought for survival.  

Women tend to talk through their problems, seeking prospective solutions. Men tend to keep them bottled up, internalizing the issue.  

A guy has his cave that he retreats to.  A gal is more inclusive and prefers to talk about the relationship openly and constructively.

Most men tend to have a pretty short attention span.  They like to solve problems. This is how we are programmed.  

If your husband is listening to you discuss an issue you are experiencing,  he is wired to find a way to conquer the problem.  After your husband has offered solutions to your problem he feels empowered and is ready to move on to the next challenge or activity in has in his mind.

But here is the rub.  What most men don’t understand is that if he would slow down and simply listen to you, you will feel safe and supported and loved. So tell him how when he listens to you, it makes you feel a certain way. 

Many women have told me that when their husband or boyfriend really listens to them, it literally turns them on.  Sometimes it is in that very moment.  Sometimes it is later.  But the connection and bond they feel for their boyfriend (or husband) in the moment is unmistakable.  

Time and time again, I have been told that often the best sex women have had with their husband (or boyfriend) was after he patiently listened to what she had to say and offered support.

The Big Disconnect That Douses Out Arousal

your man thinks differently

Communication between the sexes is the greatest of things and the worst of things.

I realize that is a wide spectrum of outcomes, but I want every couple I coach to understand that communications in a relationship is something that is imperfect.

It has to be worked on.  To progress, it helps to know something about the differences in communication preferences between men and women.

So let’s talk more about that.

Remember, deep in our primitive brain, guys are hunters and protectors.  And when we need downtime, we often want to return to our cave or spend it with our male friends.

So let him. 

Women tend to be much more intuitive and can read between the lines.  They can process things across multiple dimensions.  

Guys like to be served things up one thing at a time.  They usually do a poor job at reading their wife’s (or girlfriend’s) mind.  If you just got a slightly different hair cut and are hinting around as to what your boyfriend thinks about it, be prepared to be disappointed.  He really probably didn’t notice the difference.

So don’t hold it against him.

Guys tend to use language in a more literal way.  If they say, “how is it going”?  And you say, “I guess it’s Ok”.  A guy will think everything is just fine.  

He won’t often know to probe and open up communication channels.  Whereas, a woman tends to understand the underlying complexity of social language and will explore and expand the conversation.

So gently coach him to probe more in the future by offering him a compliment first.

Most guys like to be moving. They are physically oriented.  They think better, process better, and feel better when they are active.  

So if a women wants a guy to open up about things, take an opportunity to work out with him. Exercise with him. 

But let me, let you in on a secret!  

For you to optimize “attraction” and get your man “all worked up”, you will need to expand your insights about effective communications.  

When poor communications and bickering gets in the way, it leaves little room for intimacy and arousal to take root.

Teach Your Man How To Get You Excited

teach you man how to excite you

If you really want to get a rise out of your husband (boyfriend), then teach him how he needs to go about exciting you.

When you are turned on, his subconscious radar will pick up on those signals and that in turn will excite him.

I think of it as a win-win.

Most men don’t have a clue as to how to talk romantically to a woman.  Most men need to be taught what it is that excites you.  

For some guys, it may be a difficult chore for them to take direction.  Many guys suffer from the “Casanova Syndrome” where they think that everything they do and say is just perfect.

How do you overcome this problem?

Well, while it may sound revolutionary, I would suggest you talk about what it is that you both enjoy.

OK, I am just kidding.  Communicating about such things is far from revolutionary, but you may be surprised at how infrequently such discussions take place.

But, we know that both men and women have gaps when it comes to understanding the finer points of attraction.

So you need to talk about what you each like and dislike.  

But as a primer to such a discussion, let’s talk about some general things that apply to guys and gals.

What Arouses a Woman? 

Remember, you need to be genuinely aroused in order to send out those unconscious signals that your man’s brain processes as “sex”.

In a way, this chapter of the post is for your Husband.  But you can coach him.

Women tend to enjoy the slow romance.  The little things matter.  As a ground rule for your romantic communications, the notion of “less is more” is spot on.

Your man needs to know this. 

To your husband, this whole notion of the slow romance may seem completely backwards.  Your husband is wired to do things much faster.

But your man truly wants to please you. Encourage him to go slow with everything because it will send him over the moon.  

 

Talk to your husband about active listening.  

At first it may sound like a foreign language to your boyfriend, but in time he will learn that the quickest way to your heart is through the kind of listening in which he frequently makes eye contact.  

Remind how much you enjoy it when he peers into your eyes.  Tell him it turns you on.  That kind of direct language will arouse him. 

Remember, the brain is disposed to release oxytocin which leads to arousal when lovers peer into each other’s eyes.

There is a magical synergy that occurs between you and your man when the right kind of body language is employed.  

When you are talking to your husband (or boyfriend) remember to physically lean into the conversation.  Compliment your man for  showing genuine interest when you talk to him.

Men love to be stroked. Your husband’s ego, unbeknownst to him, is a precious thing.  

Lean in and capitalize by stroking his ego. Peer into his eyes  It will make him feel powerful and you will look beautiful in that frame.

If your husband or significant other was here now I would tell him….

The idea is to open up your lady’s heart.  Once you do that, she will naturally behave in all the ways that “turn you on”.

For example, I like the phrase, I made mistakes and I am sorry”.  By opening yourself up to be accountable and showing vulnerability, you can score big.  

Take an opportunity to suddenly look into her eyes, letting her know how  much she means to you.  Let her talk.  When you behave like this, it turns her on.  

Why?

Because it shows your strength.  Honesty, vulnerability, and the strong, silent type is attractive to a lot of women.  If you don’t believe me, pick up a romance novel and read it.  Or go watch, “50 Shades of Grey”.

I like the phrase, “How can I help you”.  

By showing your willingness to do something for her that is purely “selfless”, can be a big turn on for your Ex.  

Again, just put it out there and listen to what she has to say.  Figure out what she needs help with.  Odds are that is has something to do with YOU meeting her emotional needs.  Try to gently coax it out of her.  Then help her.  

I like the phrase, “Tell me what it has been like for you”.  

You are giving your Ex a chance to share intimate details about her life.  This builds oxytocin and also allows your Ex to share her experiences.  Saying something like this is a perfect example of an “open ended” conversation starter.  She gets to talk and you get to listen and that earns you big time brownie points.

How Do You Unlock Intimacy in Your Man?

unlocking intimacy in your man

Unfortunately, I can’t be assured that you man is hanging on every word that I am writing right now!  

So let’s talk about how you can better connect with your man such that he is more available to you.  

Oddly, in some cases, if you want more of his attention and particularly if you wish to get him a bit riled up sexually, you need to give him space. 

So what can you say to a guy to open up their heart and become more intimate?  

First, you need to understand that men process things differently.  

Generally, your boyfriend (or husband) is not good at sharing.  

Men don’t like being caged in.  We want to feel in charge and in control.  We would rather have sex first, then talk later. We are protectors and quick to action.

So how do you navigate through a guy’s communication and intimacy preferences. 

I like the phrase: “I don’t want to possess you, but I want you to possess me right now”.

That type of phrasing will likely be highly arousing to your man.

You see, some men have attachment issues.  

They don’t want to be possessed and they value their freedom.  These things can make up our insecurities.  If you take that away that concern, your guy will open up.  

It’s a big turn on to a guy to hear this kind of language.  They don’t want to completely give themselves up (in some ways), but they want to “own” you in the moment of sexual intimacy.  It plays to the emotional beast inside them. 

Sex can release a lot of interesting hormones and encourage bonding and intimate sharing.   

So if you want to know what your guy is really thinking in his heart about the relationship, you can use what I call, “Turn On” language, with a twist.  

You can say something like, “Let’s open up to each other. I want to know what’s in your heart…your concerns. But let’s make love first, then share.”  

I also like the phrase, I feel safe around you.  

It is in a man’s nature to protect.  It makes your man feel strong and valued when you tell them that.  But don’t overplay this…. keep it short…. otherwise a guy could think you are too needy.  

I like the phrase, “I love the angles of your body. You are really handsome”.   

Men, just like women, can be insecure about their looks. Don’t gush on about his looks.  Just make a brief remark. It will play well to his ego and set him up to be more open and sexually available.

Ok….so we are going to end our little conversation right here.  But we are not through with our dialogue about this topic.

I have one more post that I am going to write that can help you think of your lover in a different way.

Until then, happy lovemaking.

How To Turn On Your Boyfriend or Husband

Today we are going to talk about some of the things you can do to turn on your boyfriend.  Sounds like a good plan, don’t you think!

Or let’s say you are married.  What can you do to keep your husband happy and excited (even thrilled at times) with how you go about arousing him?

Throughout this article, I am going to use the terms husband, boyfriend, lover, guy, and man interchangeably.

I don’t know what your particular situation is.  But I assume there is a man in your life and you are determined to keep him really interested in you.

So let’s explore what you can specifically do to increase your husband’s (or boyfriend’s) sexual intimacy and intensity.

exciting and turning on your husband

What Should You Know About Exciting Your Man?

So, let’s start with with questions.  Because after all, that is how we learn.  If you constantly are asking questions about those things you believe you know a lot about, you may discover there are gaps in your knowledge.

There is nothing wrong with that.  “Wiser you are when you seek out the gaps in your knowledge“, so sayeth Yoda.

Well, if truth be told,  Yoda did not actually say that, but it would have sounded that way had he!

I think men in general have more to learn about this sort of thing (i.e. how to turn on your lover) than women.  But certainly, I am not saying that women have it all figured out. There is plenty you can learn.

For starters, take a look at this post I wrote for women….

How To Arouse a Man – A Guide For Women

So, let’s ask more questions.

Is your guy unique in some sense that he needs a special brew of attention to get him really turned on?

Or is he like most other males that can become “putty in your hands” if you understand how to use the right ingredients of attraction and arousal?

Yep, you are in luck today if you are looking for some really good insights into what you need to do to turn on your guy.  In fact, you already have a head start.

You are a woman and already possess most of the magic you need.  Evolution has made you to be the ideal match for a man.

So for starters, you are in great shape.

You just need to learn  how to bend your thoughts away from any of the erroneous ideas and impressions about attraction and embrace what science teaches us.

I will also teach you about the importance  of “breaking patterns”.

More about all this later!

Hint…Hint!

It starts first with getting a grip on the science behind the behavior of men.

planting seeds of attraction in the brain

I am talking about the engineering of your husband’s brain for which he does not have much control of.  I don’t mean to say that you husband generally has no control over his behavior.  Rather, there are certain parts of his brain that operate on automatic pilot.  But, if you slip in the right information in that part of his processing brain, guess what?

You can create a sensual masterpiece, using arousal as your paintbrush.

I think of it as planting “attraction seeds”.  When they are further stimulated, attraction springs forth and arousal is born.

Certain areas of your husband’s brain, if stimulated with the right “words”, “visual cues” or “actions” can create a flood of desire and arousal.  In many ways, your man is not unlike most men in terms of how they can be aroused.

But your husband is more than just a “brain” waiting to be stimulated.

He also has certain things he likes and dislikes that are unique to his personality. You already probably have a good idea what most of those are all about.  Not all, but most.  It is entirely likely, your husband (or boyfriend) has not completely filled you in on all those things that turn him on.

After all, we are talking about matters that may not be easy for your man to simply open up and talk about.  You will learn, to the extent that you really want to “turn him on”, that you will need to explore these inner thoughts and impulses your husband may have, but is too shy or hesitant to talk about.

You will also learn that just the process of having this discussion with your husband and exploring these things can lead to an intense sexual awakening.  Tap into that and you will find a gold mine.

So let that be your first meaningful insight. Act upon this wisdom and unlock some new ways to turn on your guy.

Let’ put things in perspective, before we move on.

Your overall challenge is learning how to couple these two things together.  In other words, you will need to learn more about what usually works with almost all men and also discover what is unique to the needs of your man.

seeing the big picture of arousal

The Big Picture of Arousing Your Husband

For a little background, you should know that this article is continuation of a series of posts I am writing to help you improve your relationship.

That’s right!  A whole series of articles.  That is how encompassing this topic is.   And all of these posts are focused on giving you a working recipe for ways to enhance attraction and arousal.

For example, in the post below, I offered up some insights about the things you need to understand to keep your relationship alive, firing on all cylinders.  So please make a mental note to check out the “guide” below after you are finished with this one!

What Does My Relationship Need To Get Back on Track

Men and Women Are Different Creatures

We are all creatures of various behaviors, habits and routines and with the passage of about 200,000 years, men and women have evolved to a state in which we are similar in many ways, yet remarkably different in other respects.

Remember that because neither men or women often understand each other’s sexual needs all that well.  Sure, we understand the needs of our partner well enough to make things happen.  But we should all be shooting a lot higher than just “making things happen”.

seeing sex through the eyes of a woman

You see things through a pair of eyes which are entirely female. Your perceptions are colored by your own experiences, feelings and sense of what triggers arousal. While this is helpful, it can also be misleading if you wish to fully comprehend how to turn on your boyfriend.  What turns you on is generally somewhat different than what “turns on” your boyfriend (or husband).

So if you try to apply your own sensibilities to what you think your husband (or boyfriend) enjoys, you are likely to strike out some of the time.  Not always, but some times.

I know due to some of your experience with men and your intuition about such things, you already come packing with some really good insights.  But why not learn more?

Why not learn some of the motivations behind why men act a certain way and how they sometimes perceive things differently than women.  Why not learn how your female brain’s way of looking at arousal and attraction is only going to get you so far.

I am not saying you are not a rationale and reasonable thinking person.  Rather, I am just saying that while men and women are cut from the same cloth, guys are made from a different portion, color, and texture.

teaching your husband about arousal

Teaching Your Boyfriend (Husband) About Arousal Discipline

Have you every heard of the phrase “Arousal Discipline”?  It is definitely something you will want to know much more about, particularly as it pertains to your boyfriend.

Guys react somewhat differently and need different stimuli when it comes to controlling those special little places in their brain that gets them aroused.  And many men will benefit from some special coaching.  Your boyfriend (or husband) probably needs to learn about arousal discipline   First you need to do is find out how to stimulate those attraction centers of the brain.  Then you will need to learn how to help him control all the impulses stemming from that region of the mind.

For example, your husband, unlike you, is less romantic.  Sure, he can have his romantic moments.  But more often than not, he wants to move in and get it on. Whereas, a woman tends to want to do things slowly, softly, with assurances that she is loved and appreciated.

Now remember, these are generalizations, but they tend to hold true in most cases.

Your boyfriend is going to be more aroused by images.  Maybe even somewhat coarse and crude language. Visually seeing hints of your curves in all the right places can set into motion certain neurons in your man’s brain.  Planting a lot of these  kinds of arousal seeds throughout the day is usually a masterful way of building attraction and arousal.

I am really into the concept of “less is more” when it comes to flashing the flesh. So remember,  less nudity is better than more nudity in my book. At least, at the beginning of the encounter.

Another example of planting an “arousal seed” is by doing things like lightly brushing up against your husband or offering a word of thanks for something, followed by a kiss on the cheek.  Such things find their way into your husband’s subconscious and lie dormant, waiting to be activated.

The Tale of the Tape

So your man….whether he be your husband or your boyfriend….is different than you in some really important ways.  My experience is that often, women know what they want and what sustains their pleasure.  They tend to be more in touch with their feelings.  Whereas men are not all that well acquainted with the concept of “sustaining pleasure”.  T

Your husband  may only know one gear and one direction.

That is not always the case with a guy when it comes to his sexuality.  Some men have become students of attraction, knowing what they need to do to turn you on as well as get themselves revved up.  In fact, the Casanovas of our time realize that the best way they can really get that “feeling” matched by no other, is to play off of your own sexual arousal.

Your husband may think he knows what he wants, but often he really DOESN’T. He needs a bit of coaching.  Not just to learn what pleasures you.  But also to learn to respond to your lead.  When your husband can really sense that your are exceptionally aroused, that is gift to him.

That is important, so let’s say it gain.  When your man can really see, smell, taste, and sense in every way that you are at or nearing maximum pleasure, you have bestowed upon him the great gift of pleasure you possibly could.

men like to pounce on their wife

The “Pounce” Response – A Typical Path After Arousal in a Man

Once arousal takes shape, your husband’s brain will trick him into thinking that what is best to do is act immediately and just “pounce”.

This response is deeply wired in most men’s minds.  The “Pounce Response” is what I call it.  If this “pounce” reaction is not controlled to some extent, your husband may end up sacrificing quality and duration for immediate gratification.

This is neither good for him or you.

You will need to teach him that giving in to this feeling is not best for him in the long run of the encounter.  It is his his brain that is fooling him into thinking what is the best course of action.  Remember, a man’s brain was evolved to respond to stimuli in certain ways.   The brain and our subconscious is like our command center.  And it’s number one programming  goal is for our species to “live long and prosper”!

I know…I know.  It all sounds so clinical.  But it is the truth.

The pleasure centers exist to chaperon this mating process.  This is all good. Except, when men act quickly on their powerful urges to “pounce”, they are shortchanging themselves.

In the back of the mind of “early man” were fears of being eaten alive by wild animals!  So our programming evolved to move fast.  Fight or flight is deeply  engrained in all of our minds.

All of this sense of rush, rush can feel natural to your husband.  But what feels natural, is not always the best course of action.

What would really turn him on is if you don’t immediately allow him to give in to his impulses.  This is the sort of thing you will need to talk to your husband about. Having less of something, followed by having a little more, then a less again…..this is the winning recipe for how to satisfy the needs of both partners.

You may have already figured  out some of this.  And you probably have already learned some tried and true methods of arousing your man. But I bet there are still many things about you don’t know about yet.

We are going to teach you to tap into those differences so you have a greater understanding of what buttons you should be pushing to turn on your boyfriend (or husband).

love is a world of our own making

Your Husband (or Boyfriend) is Like a Character From Westworld

The first thing you should understand is that your man is, in large part, a creature of habit and routine.  He likes to do things that are familiar and the routine of his behaviors gives him a sense of security and control over his environment.

He is almost like one of those characters, from the  HBO series Westworld, that are called”Hosts”.  In this world, some of the characters are actually not entirely human, though they are trying to become so.

Their day is full of routines and they are programmed to act certain ways in a somewhat repetitive manner, almost always without exception.  By all appearances the “Hosts” are human and act so.  But as you peel back the layers, these “Hosts” actually do not possess free will.  And that is what makes the show, Westworld, so interesting to watch.

They pose the question whether any of us actually have free will.  They pose the possibility they we all live in a “matrix” like world in which our needs and thoughts and behaviors are not really our own, but have been programmed into us.

In a way, your boyfriend has his own internal routines and scripts.

If you learn the workings of your husband’s (or boyfriend’s) internal script, then you will be one step ahead.  But if you can actually learn to modify your boyfriend’s scripts, such that he learns how to turn you on, so you can turn him on……then you are really getting somewhere.

In a way, we are all like the characters in Westworld.  And attraction exists in a world of your own making.

Seldom do we have complete control of our environment and all the things that can happen to us, good or bad.  But we try to make our way through the maze of life.

And that is what is often top of mind with your guy.  He is trying to champion control over his domain.  He wants to be the protector and the controller.  He wants to protect and impress you, his woman.

Now, not every guy is this way.  None of us can be labeled and put into a clearly defined category.  That is way makes us all unique.

But there are certain general behaviors that most men will exhibit and that is likely the case with your husband or boyfriend.

freedom is what your man desires

Your Boyfriend’s (or Husband’s) Freedoms Are Precious To Him

Men enjoy their freedoms.  They fear losing them and once gone, they will seek to to get them back.

I am sure it could be said we all enjoy our freedoms.

But guys really enjoy having all of their individual freedoms, whatever they may be.  Your man will think of his “freedoms” as essentially everything he can touch or think about.  Your husband (or boyfriend) can get get pretty worked up if you try and take away any of his freedoms.

Indeed, if your husband or boyfriend perceives something is being withheld from him or taken away, he will fight like mad to get it back.

I not talking about literally fighting, though that can happen too.  Rather, I am referring to a well known relationship principle known as “psychological reactance”.

Men want that which they can’t have or are told they cannot possess.

It fits in with the notion of the “Chase”.  Your husband will find all of those special centers of his brain activated when he has the opportunity to “chase” after you in some way.

Deeply embedded in your husband’s mind is this image of you in which he perceives “belongs” to him.  That is one of his freedoms he feels he can enjoy.  The pleasure of being with you…..seeing you….talking with you….making love with you.  If he perceives consciously or subconsciously that freedom is being taken away in some form, he will seek to restore it.

Jealousy is born from the Principle of Psychological Reactance.

You this leverage this Principle to your advantage.  It fits in with giving something to your husband that he is use to having (e.g. touching him in that special place ever so lightly), then gently taking it away.  Do that, then watch how your husband, boyfriend or your Ex responds emotionally and physically in an effort to get back whatever was taken away.  This also happens to be an effective way to build arousal.

What we are talking about here is not anything revolutionary.   But that is Ok, because trust me, your hubby (or boyfriend) is not that tough of a nut to crack when it comes to arousal and attraction.

He follows a time tested pattern that has been programmed in his mind as a result of thousands of years of evolution.

The things you are learning about getting the “right” reaction from your husband (or boyfriend) are not things that are completely earth shattering. Basically, what I am teaching you is how to color outside the lines, now and again.

learning to color outside the lines

Coloring Outside the Lines

What you probably have already figured out is that the process of getting to know what your guy likes is not really a big mystery.  You already possess some of the puzzle pieces.

But sometimes it does take some creativity and out of the box thinking to fully leverage the feminine mystique you bring to the equation.

Never under estimate the value of mystery.  To some extent, you husband is mystified by you.  Mystery creates uncertainty.  And uncertainty is one of the ingredients of sexual arousal.

Let’s turn our attention again back to the skill sets you bring as a woman.

What you will need to learn, if you have not already, is that some of your own programming about “attraction” and “arousal”  may be working against you.  You may have certain preconceived notions about your boyfriend or husband that are flawed.

My mission is to help you find the right path to understanding men.  Or at least get you closer to seeing what works and what does not.

What you may have seen on television or in the movies probably may  appear like a good way of getting your husband or boyfriend really excited.  And I am not saying that you can’t learn from watching a flick or two.

But you would be foolish to draw too many conclusions from things that you watch at the movies or even hear from your friends.

I mean nothing personal about that. Perhaps you are very advance in your knowledge of getting the most out of your man in bed.  But don’t be afraid to engage in some trial and error.  How else can we learn unless we are prepared to take some risks, even engage in some silly or foolish acts, now and again.

I think if you are looking for some solid and reliable advice on how to turn on your boyfriend or get your husband really worked up (in a good way), then you need to understand the different ways in which men and women respond to certain impulses.

It is not like your boyfriend (or husband) is entirely different than you in how you process the world around you.

As we have discussed, men and women at times respond to things differently. What might attract your boyfriend (or husband), may be low on the list of what a woman may think is attractive, sensual, or sexy.

So let’s see if you are willing to open up you mind to a different view of things about what your husband may want more of….or less of.

Let’s see if you are willing to shift your paradigm about sensuality and the turn ons and turn offs that live in your boyfriend’s or husband’s mind.  Let’s explore how you can get past some of the old, worn out ideas and move forward with a fresh take on the topic of attraction between the sexes.

So why is all this important?

Well, like most things in life, there is an ebb and flow in the attraction between the sexes.  A woman may be happily married in one sense, but it is not unusual for the spark of attraction to wane between her and the husband.

Or you and your boyfriend may have a pretty good thing going, but what happens if boredom creeps into the bedroom?  What happens if the routines between the boyfriend and girlfriend become predictable and lackluster?

is your husband bored

Is Your Boyfriend (Husband) Getting Bored?

Dare I say the word again!

Routines.

Those predictable, somewhat boring, and unimaginative routines between a couple can lift up and make a relationship sturdy and secure.  But they can also cause the marriage or relationship to lack spark and the much needed fireworks of sexual chemistry.

That’s right, even those marriages that have been in place for years need to have some high flying displays of affection, sensuality, and high octane arousal.

But how do we accomplish all of this?

Well, the proof is in the pudding, so to speak.

Appreciating that even the best of marriages and relationships can fall into ruts and predictable routines is a huge part of awakening the sexual potential between you and your partner.

Simple awareness of this problem between the two of your can work wonders.

can you play a siren for your boyfriend

Wake Up Your Husband With the Call of the “Siren”

Imagine if you gave your husband a deep kiss, then simply explained how it is easy for couples to get into routines when it comes to their love play.  Imagine whispering into his ear, “let’s do something about that right now”.

That would be one example of “coloring outside the lines”.  Do you think your boyfriend would be excited by the very notion of doing “something about that right now”?  

I think so.

Or imagine hugging your husband and whispering in his ear, “we need to color outside the lines”, then lead him, hand in hand, to the bedroom.   It is probably something you have never said to him.  It is that “fact” that would make your husband “putty in your hands“.  Because secretly, many men imagine that their wife (or girlfriend) would occasionally morph into an entirely different sexual being.  At a deep level, your husband fantasizes about their wife being like a “Siren” calling out to them, luring them into some enchanting sexual encounter.

Now I have a little chore for you.  Go back and re-read the paragraph above and give it a try in your relationship.  To say the least, it is a pearl of “Arousal Wisdom” I am laying on you!

So, bear in mind, if you cannot step outside your relationship (figuratively) and see when old reliable habits and routines have taken all the spontaneity and surprise out of  your relationship, then it will be hard for you to change your behavior.

So that is why I emphasize the importance of being aware of what I call the “Entropy Relationship Trap”.  It’s like once we get into a relationship for a good period of time, the romance and spontaneity slowly breaks down.  It is not unusual for this to happen.  You should expect it.  Unless you are aware of this phenomenon, you can become a victim of the dullness and boredom that can follow a marriage or relationship around.

If you are not careful, you may have a decent relationship, but fall short of the potential of what you both aspired to create when you first got together.

That is probably true for most couples.  But it need not be the status quo.  You can work on re-inventing your marriage in small ways.  To keep the spark alive, you need to do this frequently throughout the years.

I know that “you know” how to do some things that can get your guy turned on or excited.  But what you are probably looking for are even more ideas or ways to reawaken those lost feelings that lie dormant, but can be stimulated to rise up.

I have some good news for you.  While this post is ending, the next one I will be writing will also tackle this subject.  So don’t forget to comment and don’t forget to come back and check out my next post on how to optimize attraction and arousal in your marriage.

What Does My Relationship Need To Get Back on Track

If you are wondering what your relationship needs to perk it up….to make it special, you have come to the right place!  It does not matter whether you are married and looking for a little help or dating and are trying to optimize your connection, the secret sauce every couple is looking for revolves around  attraction and arousal.

So how do you get there?

What are some of the best ways for you to arouse your husband or wife? Or let’s say your boyfriend seems to be drifting away, what might be some of the things you should know and do to capitalize on his desire to be aroused?

attracting your ex husband

Over the next few posts, I am going to show you one of the things every relationship needs to grow.

Oh…and by the way.  Do me a favor.  Offer up your comments or any ideas you are willing to offer up.  I enjoy reading your comments and I will respond.  You can weigh in at the “Comment Section” found at the end of this post.

We are going to talk about attraction between the sexes and how the “controlled” waning and waxing of attraction can be the perfect recipe for achieving a happy and fulfilling relationship.

If you come here with marriage on your mind or let’s say you are already married and are looking for ways to optimize the your husband’s or wife’s attraction, then I want you to open yourself up to thinking about arousal in an entirely different way.

I want you to learn about the science behind arousing your spouse or significant other and the practical ways you can get him (or her) excited about being with you.

Just like the waves that break off of the rocks when they come rolling upon the beach, attraction and arousal work together to make marriages and relationships incredibly rewarding.

So just how does this work?

How can you arouse your ex husband or the love of your life without them even being consciously aware of it?

Because that is where the secret sauce of attraction and arousal really reside.  It is deep inside the mind.  What you need to learn is how to unlock that love magic.  I also talk about it in the post below in great detail (see link), but today you are lucky, because I am going to give you another way of wrapping your brain around what you can do to make your relationship better.

How To Save Your Troubled Marriage

The beauty of the the process I am about to describe works for both those couples who have experienced a breakup as well as those individuals who are caught up in courtship, pursuing engagement or who are together through marriage.

Ok, I am going to let you in on a big secret.  Indeed, the concept is so powerful, most people completely overlook it.  And I understand why many do.  We live such busy lives.  And with the non stop attitude of faster and faster still, people can easily lose sight of the power that resides around the simple things.

If there was a simple way to describe what every marriage or relationship needs it would be characterized as “less is more“.

So you now might be thinking, “What? Come back with that and explain what you mean!” 

I understand.  Sometimes the simplest things when it comes to love, relationships, and marriage are the most difficult to understand.

beach of love and attraction

Let’s return to my analogy of the waves that come in toward the beach and eventually break off the rocky shoreline.  Are you thinking of that rocky beach? Good! So now think about the concepts of attraction and arousal and how they may represent this picture.

Just as the rippled, sandy bottom of the ocean helps with forming the shape of the waves (i.e. we are talking “attraction”here!); its the movement of the water that allows the wave to come crashing down on the shoreline (i.e. just as our arousal leads to a climax).  You need both to make the splash.

Ok…is that too colorful of a metaphor!  Let’s try another way of describing these powerful concepts (i.e. attraction and arousal) that impacts a couple’s relationship.

It is called the concept of Simplicity.  If Yoda was here, he would say, “Powerful are those who attracts their lover through Simplicity“.

love of an ex is about simple things

Your Relationship Needs a Big Dose of Simplicity!

Here is where  simplicity comes out to play.

Imagine you are watching the waves come in.  Over and over again, they build and eventually they arrive.  Then it all starts over again.

Have you ever just stood at beach staring out toward the ocean, just watching the repetitive action of each wave lapping onto the shoreline.  It is such a simple thing to watch and feel and experience.  You find yourself in a tranquil, almost hypnotic state as the waves build, crest, and fall upon the sandy beach, over and over gain.

That is the secret to attraction.  I also got into this topic in the following post…

How To Turn On Your Boyfriend or Husband

Arousal unfolds when you do very little (i.e. less is more), then you do a little more.  I am talking in terms of sensuality.  It could be in the form of touch. It could unfold in the cadence of your words and tone.  It could be the way you dress and the movements you make.

And guess what!  There is a science behind all this stuff about attraction in relationships.

In a nutshell, this is how it works. You do very little, followed again by doing more of something to arouse.  Just like the waves.

Remember…. the breaks in between the waves is where the sweet spot lies.

Can you remember that!  You are searching for the sweet spot and it lives between the actions of attraction and arousal.

But let’s gets some definitions straight!  What is arousal?

Arousal is what happens to you when your boyfriend or girlfriend turns you on.

Or  it is when you  do things to arouse your significant other.  There are lots of things that can lead to arousal.  It can be something you wear. It can be something you say.  Arousing your boyfriend or girlfriend can be something sensual you do in the form of touch.  It can be something you see or show.

But the key thing about arousal is if you do something that feels forced or if you go overboard and try to do too much, you lose the intensity of arousal with your ex.

If you do whatever it is you do, all the time, arousal can withdraw.  It’s like pouring water on the fire.  All you are left with are embers or very little in the form of natural intensity.  So think again about the waves and how they come in, regularly, but with breaks in between.  They move slowly, but when they arrive, it is with a splash.  Then the whole process starts again.

Well, then, what is attraction?

The way I see it, attraction is the foundation you lay down in order for arousal to come out and play.  It’s the things two people do to begin building a connection and bond.

There.  That should do it, for definition purposes.  Now you are an expert on attraction and arousal!  Are you ready to try it on your boyfriend?  Are you ready lay it on your wife?

Hold it!“, you might say. “There has to be more to it than that!“.  Well, of course there is and I promise we will get into all of it soon.  In fact, it is going to take 2 or 3 long posts in order for me to walk you down the beach, so to speak, so you can start to see how all this stuff works together.

Just consider this article Part 1.

What you want from your relationship is to understand how you and your lover can fire on all cylinders of arousal and attraction.  The parties involved, whether they be your husband or your wife, or perhaps your boyfriend or your girlfriend…..need to work as one, understanding the magical lesson of giving and taking away in the most loving and subtle way.

Alright!”, you may say to yourself.  “That all sounds good.  But how does it really work?  What should I do to attract and arouse my Ex or my lover?”

arousal works with marriage  

Arousal is What Your Relationship Needs

The range of opinions of how we go about creating attraction and arousal is wide and expansive.  If you were to survey people on this topic, you would get an assortment of answers.

First let me point out that there is considerable misinformation out there on this topic.  If you are looking for some magic formula that will create attraction, you won’t find it here.  

Except, as you no know, I am really keen on “less is more” when it comes to creating and sustaining arousal.

Given that we are all very complex human beings and are unique in our likes and dislikes, it can make the question of what arouses attraction nearly impossible to answer accurately on an individual basis.  

But I do believe there are certain commonalities we all share.  Our brain chemistry, without a doubt, plays a role in how we are drawn to another or become “turned on”.

What Do We Know

Let’s start first with what we do know.  

Men and women are both influenced by their right side/left side brain.  

It is the right side of the brain that is known as our emotional operating system.  It is the side that controls our visual imagery and creativity.  It also influences language, understanding context and a person’s tone. It is this side of the brain that can be influenced by the release of the hormone, oxytocin.  

Oxytocin can influence our level of attraction for another.

We know that oxytocin can be triggered by several things.  Among these are affectionate touching, laughing, talking intimately, giving of yourself, witnessing loving kindness, hugging, exhibiting certain kinds of body language, smiling, prolonged eye contact, and many others.

Knowing this upfront can enable you to plan better for future meetings with your husband or wife.  

A simple touch on the shoulder or holding the gaze a beat longer or sharing something intimate….these things can help trigger a release of oxytocin in your lover’s brain.  

If you also engage in positive behaviors like smiling, laughing and offer an intimate hug….you are helping yourself through tapping into something very primal in your boyfriend or girlfriend’s psyche.

Even using certain phrases or suggestive language can embed itself in your Ex’s subconscious.  Just know, that since I am talking to a larger audience, I may refer to individuals who may be your  girlfriend, a boyfriend, an ex-husband, or ex-wife.  So I will use these words interchangeably.

The tapestry in helping people reconnect is large!

using body language with ex

Your Lover’s Body Language and Word Choice

Research has revealed that your body posture, tone of voice and the rapidity of your voice can all send positive attraction signals.   Ironically, the words a person uses accounts for only 7% of that which ultimately makes one attractive.

So for all those Romeos’ and Juliets’ out there…I have news for you….words often matter much less than body language, tone and pitch of voice.

Though I will say that in defense of “words”, if certain phrases are used at a time when a person is receptive to hearing such language, the benefits can be impressive.

Later, I will give you a few examples of what I call “tactical phrasing”.

Even certain colors carry more weight than words.  The color red has been found to be an “attractor” for men and women

The Attraction Value Chain Ladder

In designing my complete Ex Recovery System, I want you to understand that ATTRACTION is embedded throughout the entire process.  I refer to it as the Attraction Value Chain Ladder.  

The value chain consists of 7 key elements which I discuss here on this website and in my book which is available on my Ex Recovery websites.

The No Contact Principle

Dealing With Your Recovery

Allowing For Your Ex’s Recovery

Using Phantom Communication Strategies

First Contact Messages

The Meet Up

The Meeting After the Meet Up

If you and your significant other have broken up or are “separated”, you should take a close look at implementing the No Contact Principle.  Inherent within this principle is the idea that attraction can build over time.  One can say that “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, but what it really boils down to is human psychology and human desire.

We know there are chemicals in our brains that can be triggered to arouse attraction in the right side brain. And we will talk more about relationship specific strategies you can employ to accomplish this. But there are also other more tactical things people can do to create attraction.

playing hard to get  

I have talked about the principle of psychological reactance in which people often desire that which they are told “they can’t have” or “shouldn’t have”.  

Psychological reactance works as a form of reverse psychology.  This is one of the reasons why the No Contact Principle can enable attraction.  Tell me something I can’t have and I will immediately want it.  If it’s something I am use to having, there is a good chance I will come to miss it.  And when I miss something, I naturally will seek it out.  I am attracted to it.

And guess what?  When you finally possess what it is that you were not suppose to have, there is another psychological principle that often times kicks in.  It is called the Endowment Effect.  Once you possess something or after you work hard to become reunited with a person, it ends up having more value to you.   

Good grief….that sounds so clinical doesn’t it!  

But it really isn’t too surprising.  Because what we are discussing goes back eons.

It all ties into the idea of The Chase. If someone is made to work very hard to achieve something, once they have it, it will mean more to them.

The notion of “leaving them wanting more” has been a time tested strategy going all the way back to P.T. Barnum who first coined the phrase.  Elsewhere on this website, I have talked about the Ziegnarik Effect and how it works.  

This is essentially want I mean by tapping into the principle of “leaving them wanting more”.  People illustrate the power of  the  Ziegnarik Effect every time they come back to watch the next thrilling episode of a popular series (e.g. Game of Thrones).  That is what those cliff hangers are all about.  It leaving the audience wanting more.

And tapping into that strategy of ending on the high point (i.e. leaving them desiring more) can be an enormously successful enabler of attraction.

Let’s move on up to the next rungs of the Attraction Value Chain Ladder.  Again, let’s assume you and your relationship partner are experiencing a rough patch.   

When you focus on Dealing With Your Recovery and are busy becoming the best version of yourself, you position yourself to become a much more “attractive” person.  When you Allow For Your Ex to Recover, you both benefit and increase the probability of a future re-connection.

Let’s move a bit further along the value chain.

make your guy chase after you

Make Your Lover Chase You 

When I talk about using Phantom Communication Strategies, we are trying to tap into the deep recesses of your Ex’s brain.  By simply planting a seed of a thought or idea, either through a pic, text, through a friend, or some action…..by setting such a thing in motion, you are appealing to a centuries old tactic commonly called The Chase.

There is also something to be said about “The Chase”.  There is a certain degree of excitement and challenge when someone is made to chase another.  

During the period in which you employ phantom communication tactics, what you are doing in effect is calling upon the power and influence that little subtle “suggestions” and “reminders” can have on your lover’s psyche.  

In effect, you are tapping deep into the individual’s subconscious.

If you look at the behaviors of a person who is challenged to “chase”, we again can see that it starts inside the brain.  Your husband or wife’s behavior is triggered by both the release of oxytocin (or endorphins).  

The notion to initiate the chase is lodged somewhere within the person’s subconscious.  As I have said before, it is the little things that you do in moderation that can create attraction, provided these these little seeds you plant in your husband’s (or wife’s) mind are positive, flirty, or kind.

People are naturally attracted to things that they like.  They gravitate to those things that makes them feel welcomed or good about themselves.

make your lover treasure you

Are You Ready to Program Your Husband (or Wife)?

As one progresses through the value chain of the Ex Recovery System, another attraction builder is achieved through a form of what is called neuro-linguistic programming.  

Where are we now in the Attraction Value Chain?

We are now operating within the realm of the “First Contact” Messages which I discussed earlier in this book.  Remember, I am assuming in this discussion that the relationship has been broken.  It has either ended or you and your ex are soon to be separated.  In your infinite wisdom, you initiated the No Contact Rule.  Let’s say you have finished 21 days of No Contact.  

Now what?

Well, it is time to reach out, if you wish to explore reuniting with your lover.

So how does neuro-linguistic programming fit into the scheme of things?

When I talked earlier about the different kinds of “First Contact” text messages that you can send to your Ex, you should understand that this approach is predicated on tapping into “positive memories” or arousing the innate curiosity of your Ex.

The word “neuro” refers to neural network that connects to the brain.  Yep, as much as you may not want to admit it, you marital partner does have a brain and a neural network.

Linguistics” is about the spoken, written or nonverbal communication that serves as the messenger.  

Now I know this stuff can get a bit stuffy, but think of it this way.  

Imagine that you and your Ex participated in a joyous experience such as a hot air balloon ride and had a terrific time.  Perhaps you had a romantic candlelight dinner later that evening and stayed up during the night just talking to each other. Let’s say it was an amazing, memorable moment in your lives.

Well, that “positive” experience is very likely imprinted into the neural network of your Ex.  

use positive attitude to impact ex

Now, fast forward to the present.  Right now, your Ex probably associates a lot of “negative” memories with you due to the breakup.  We want to change that with memories that are positive.  Believe me, there are many positive memories that still remain in your Ex’s psyche.  

What you are seeking to do is utilize a neuro-linguistic technique to try to awaken that positive memory.  You in effect are trying to replace (i.e. reprogram) negative thoughts your Ex may have of you, with more positive, attractive thoughts.

With tactics such as this, we are not looking for a miracle.  Rather, one is seeking to find a little wedge to re-open communications.  Sometimes it takes multiple shots on goal before you score.

Ok, so I am going to use a little psychology on you now.  I am going to hopefully leave you wanting more!

Indeed, there is much more to talk about regarding this topic of what you can do to get your relationship back on attract.  And it revolves around more things for you to learn regarding attraction and arousal.

So look for my next post in this “series” of articles that deal with helping you with turning your relationship into something really, really special.

Meeting Up With Your Ex To Talk

 

Eventually, there comes a time when you will have an opportunity to meet with your Ex to talk about things.  Whether you are planning a meeting with your ex husband or ex wife, the advice I am about to offer is largely the same.

The key is knowing which kind of meeting we are talking about here!

Ok, so let me back up a bit.  Let’s say you and your significant other has had a falling out.  Maybe you and your ex are in a forced separation.  Or maybe the two of you have not spoken to each other for months and one or both of you are coming off a No Contact Period.

Whatever has happened, it would be fair to say you both are suffering from the breakup blues.  I wrote about this in the following article…

How To Get Over the Relationship Breakup Blues

Maybe, neither of you are married to each other, but have been exploring a relationship and things just did not work out.

get on the same page with your lover

Whatever the case may be, let’s agree with where we are in time so that we are all on the same page.  You see, there are different types of  relationship strategies you will want to employ depending on the kind of meeting you are having.

If this is the first time you and your ex have connected have since the breakup, then the location, pacing, and goals of that meeting are different; than if this a meeting that follows a re-connection event.

I know!  That sounds so technical.  I mean really, what is a “re-connection event”!

reconnect with your ex

Re-connecting With Your Ex

Let’s just say that if a couple has split up, but then have started drawing closer through positive communications and were able to meet a few times without there being any backsliding or backpedaling, then I think we can agree that these two people are “connecting” on some level.

The process of slowly easing back into the relationship is normal.  I am a big fan of not rushing back into things, particularly if there has been a serious breakdown in the relationship.

And it can be particularly troubling if your ex husband or wife doesn’t seem to miss you.  How do you turn this around?   I covered this topic in the following post…

Why Doesn’t My Ex Husband Miss Me After the Breakup

So, let’s say you and your ex have gotten things rolling again.  Let’s assume that it is still somewhat early in the process to the extent that sex has not resumed.  Or let’s say that even if you guys had a “romp in the sack”, it was one of those things that sometimes happen when “needs” and “desire” conspire against you.  For sake of this discussion, let’s agree it is early enough in the period of reestablishing the bond that it is still unclear just how things are going to work out.

As said, the initial contact with your ex which is often triggered through a text will hopefully lead to phone conversation and eventually a meet up.  This type of communication and interaction probably needs to unfold for a week or more (depends on each relationship) before you arrive at the point where you begin giving serious consideration to “really talking about the future“.

There will likely come a time when the two of you realize that love for each other overcomes the pain and hurt of the break up.  There will invariably come a time when you both know in your heart that you want to be back together.  But you will also come to understand that before things progress any further, certain things need to be discussed in an honest way.

So that sounds like a good thing, right?

Just know that I largely skipped over a very important phase of relationship recovery.

Be assured that I went through the processes of breaking up….the No Contact Period…..the initializing of first contact….and the re-budding of the romance rather quickly.  Just know that each of these steps and actions involve a great deal.

We could talk a long time about each element of the recovery process.  But today our focus is on the Meeting after the meeting.

As I alluded to above, there will come a time when the two lovers will need to have a serious discussion.  Avoiding it will likely result in the two of you ending back where you started…..the Breakup Road.

I am not just specifically referring to the discussion of you both agreeing that you wish to commit to each other.  The parameters of how you go about talking about that is also another lengthy post which I will save for another day.

No, what I am referring to is how do the two of you ensure that you get down to the bottom of what were the triggering events leading to the break up or separation.

And more importantly, what solutions will the two of your arrive at to protect your relationship.  The last thing you want is for the whole relationship to slide back down the same slippery path.

It is one thing to work hard to put that pieces back together. It is another thing to take steps to insulate the marriage or relationship from the repeated mistakes of the past.

My experience is that it is usually best if someone takes the lead.  So as you read on, just know that my advice is written from the perspective of the individual who will be initiating and facilitating the discussion.

meeting with your lover

Post Makeup – The Meeting after the Meeting

I think of the Meet-up following the period of No Contact as the meeting before the MEETING.

Sometimes you need to have a few of these more casual, non threatening “Meet ups”, before the two of your are really ready to talk “Relationship”.  Remember, the key purpose of these “Meet Ups” is to re-engage with your Ex and to continue to build attraction.  

When it becomes clear you both want the same thing, it is time to plan for a more serious discussion about how the two of you can avoid a breakup from happening again.

This is what I call the MEETING after the Meet-up.  The timing on when this happens is important.  You can’t rush into this kind of dialogue.  You will need to feel sure that both of you are committed to having a strong and solid relationship.

Nor can you avoid such a discussion.  I have seen plenty of instances where couples kick the can down the road and avoid talking about the real problems that triggered the breakup.

When you and your boyfriend (or girlfriend) are ready for such a discussion, then I have some suggestions on how you should conduct the conversation.  This same advice applies to married couples whose relationship has fallen on difficult times and who are trying to right the ship.

The Ground Rules for the Couple

First of all, let me just lay down some simple ground rules.  You don’t want this conversation to feel “formal”.  That can be a turn off for some people.  You don’t necessarily need a facilitator or someone present.  That often just complicates things.  You don’t want distractions.  Such interruptions will wedge themselves between any progress the two of your are making.

reset your expectations in your relationship

Reset your expectations.  

You may be thinking that everything seems to be going well and the past misdeeds have all been forgotten.  You may be very excited and eager.

But I have a warning for you.  I refer to it as the “Breakup Revenge“.  

I know!  That sounds so dramatic.  But hang in there with me.  Think of it like this. Let’s say you and your lover travel to Mexico.  And you and your most wonderful companion have a wonderful time.

Except you drank the water!  

Imagine the two of your returning from vacation and within days, you both become miserably sick.  What happened?  Well, you both came down with “Montezuma’s Revenge”.  The sins of your past (i.e. drinking the local water) were awakened and everything just got really messy. 

Well, sometimes those locked up resentments you may be harboring for your ex (or vice versa) can rear their ugly head and it usually does not take much to trigger them.

So I just want to underscore that sometimes when people start talking about “their past”, those old feelings sometimes gets resurrected.  Even when a person tries to push them down for the benefit of the meeting, the “right side brain” can just get in the way.  Remember, the right side of our brain is the emotional control center. Except, often, things are not always under control. In fact, it does not take a lot for a memory of the breakup event to come to the forefront.   

Knowing this, will help the two of you mitigate the  “Ex hangover effect”.  Yep, that is also what I call it.  

Sometimes after a breakup, even after the two of you have reconciled, old feelings will just slip in, unwelcomed.  And before you realize, you and your ex husband (or wife) are again at each other’s throats.

So how do you stop this phenomenon from happening?

It is not easy to tap out these angry or confused feelings that may lie deep inside you.  Right across from you is the person who is suppose to be the love of your life, but all you can think of is what they did or said in the past which led to the breakup.

My best advice is to simply speak to the issue.  Raise the topic as a defense against the possibility that bad feelings about the relationship could come tumbling out.

Wise you will be, if you understand  that unexpected emotional reactions can unfold at anytime during the course of your meeting with your significant other.

To some extent, this approach will diffuse the power of that embedded emotion. Once it is out there, it is no longer something that lurks in the shadows. If it does indeed leap into the conversation, it becomes easier to control the intensity of your feelings.

Try explaining all of these things to your lover upfront.  Just getting this out on the table can help the two of you cope better if “upset feelings” emerge.

meet your ex someplace nice

The Location of Where You Meet With Your Ex Matters

What do you suppose is the worst place to meet up with your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend (whatever the case)?

That’s right!  I think you guys know this one.  Avoid meeting with your ex where you both experienced the falling out.  Hey….I am not that superstitious but I do think bad vibes prevail at those places where things did not go so well.

It is better to find a place that affords the two of your privacy and where distractions can be minimized.  You don’t want it to necessarily be a formal location as that tends to make the conversation too structured.  I do like the outdoors and if you can pick a pretty day and find a nice park, you might just be on to something. 

Make The Tone of Your Meeting With Your Ex Positive

If you are going to make meaningful progress, then you focus should be keeping things as positive as possible.  Smile a lot.  Wear bright and happy colors. Offer heartfelt little compliments, but don’t go overboard. 

Remember, it was not that long ago when the two of you were fussing and fighting.  That seldom leads to any progress.

So it’s  incumbent on you to do everything within your power to lift that kind of negativity away.  

One thing you can do is simply apologize.  Your lover may interrupt you and say, “hey, I understand.  You do not have to apologize”.  

I want you to still express that you are sincerely sorry that the relationship got off track and and that you are excited about the two of your working together to make it better.

show love during meet up

Be Warm and Considerate To Your Ex

During the course of this meeting you have a chance to set the tone.  You should be aware of the unconscious influence you can have by exhibiting calmness and being sweet and loving.

If you behave in that fashion and project those kinds of vibes, the chances are that your spouse or significant other will pick up on these cues and mirror your emotional behavior. 

Utilizing simple, good old fashioned, kindness can make for a wonderful environment to get things done.  Even if your ex is showing signs of being uncomfortable or unsure about the whole process, just continue to model the kind of behavior that is synonymous with calmness and reassurance. 

If you are calm and re-assuring, your Ex will tend to echo those same sentiments.

That is the mirroring effect at work.

If you act and say things that are kind and considerate, your Ex will often reciprocate.

It is through this technique of mirroring, that you can influence the pace and tone of the meeting on a subconscious level.  

And through kindness and improved communications, you both can re-build the foundation of your relationship.

show you understand and apologize

Show Your Ex That You Understand Their Concerns

From the get go, I want you to put on your “empathy” hat!

One of the first things you want to do is express that you understand why your Ex was upset about how things evolved.

You want to show genuine empathy.

Express how you understand the  breakup caused a lot of pain.

Tell your Ex that you genuinely wish to hear their perspective on things.  Put it in just those terms.  This is what is called, keeping things open-ended.  

Listen carefully to what your Ex has to say.

Sometimes the best communication is simply listening.  Nod your head that you understand.  Avoid interrupting.  Encourage your ex to share all of their feelings if they feel comfortable doing so.      

By showing that you understand your lover’s concerns, you help alleviate much of the pain and resentment that may be bubbling up inside your husband or wife.

allow your ex to vent

Allow Your Ex To Vent

I am sure you have driven by a factory or chemical plant and seen the smoke stacks.  These structures are there  for safety reasons, specifically to vent and burn off the excess material.  

Just as in a relationship, if your partner cannot release what is pent up inside them, then somewhere along the way it will all come spilling out.

So to the extent you can get you Ex to open up and just talk about what is on their mind, much can be accomplished.  Just allowing for that kind of emotional venting can work wonders.  

One way to accomplish this is simply asking what is called an “open ended” question.  Such a question is so broad and general, it gives the other person a chance to talk in depth about whatever that want.  

Sometimes people need an invitation to talk about those things they fear you don’t want to hear about.  Give your ex permission to tell you everything they wanted to say, without repercussions or judgement.

Just doing that is therapeutic in itself.

Have you noticed that much of my advice revolves around open communications, kindness and consideration and heightened listening?

The reason is simple, yet powerful.

Many couples breakup largely due to their poor communications, controlling behavior, erosion in trust and lack of kindness.  

These things will probably be areas you and your Ex will want to focus on in the future to strengthen your relationship.

Reward Your Ex With a Big Thank You For Opening Up

Once your ex husband (or wife) understands that you genuinely appreciate hearing everything they had to say, it can go a long ways in rebuilding trust and eliminating anger.

Use the word “brave” in describing what you think of your lover.  For sure, it is not easy for a person to open up their heart and risk being hurt again.

You want you partner in the relationship to understand that you really mean this compliment.  Reach over and touch them and tell them you really value their honesty and courage.

Seek to Agree On What The  Problem Is

Remember the objective of your meeting is to figure out what the two of you have done or not done that has resulted in the relationship coming off the tracks.  What you want to accomplish is an agreed upon list of the top problems.  

Once both of you are in agreement about the nature of the problem, then take a moment to congratulate each other on agreeing on what you both need to work on.

Of course, whatever solutions you  eventually throw at these problems may or may not work.  So don’t get discouraged or certainly don’t give up.  Often, relationships that are coming back together, do so in fits and starts.

You cannot get to the solution phase, until you both agree on what it is you want to improve about the relationship.

That in itself is huge.  Many couples cannot even agree on what is causing their problems.  Either they have not really thought about it or they have not discussed it in a serious manner.

The causes of breakups can be elusive.  Sometimes, the key factors are very clear. Sometimes the issues evolved and multiplied over time.  In other cases, it may have been just one singular event that caused the relationship to come crashing down.

Whatever it is, the sooner you can both agree on the causes of the problem, the greater the chances are that you can solve it.  If the underlying causes are left lingering out there, with no attention, then you can count on them triggering more problems in the future. 

apologize to your ex

Once the “Problem” is Identified, Again Apologize!

You may be thinking, “What? I have already apologized.

Well, you are probably right about that, but guess what?

With most of these relationship breaking situations I have seen over the years, one apology seldom is enough.

Everyone is different when it comes to this sort of thing.  But some people just have a hard time letting go of their anger.  The resentment can easily creep back in.  

That is why people often experience multiple breakups.  Emotions can get in the way.  It is our reptile brain getting its way.

So trust me!  Your ex will certainly want to hear from you again about how regretful you are about your role in the breakup.  And just saying, “I am sorry” is usually not enough.

You will need to explain in some detail what you are sorry for and that you understand the negative impact your actions (or lack of actions) had on your lover. 

If the mirroring phenomenon is at work, your Ex should be doing the same things.

The Best Solutions Are Arrived at Together

So you have the problems identified, now we need solutions.  And the best of solutions are those that a couple comes up with by themselves.  In that way, you have ownership and buy-in because the two of you worked hard, together, in the most loving way, to formulate a way out of the big mess you both created.

Agree to Stop Fighting

It sounds simple right!  You love each other. You agree to stop fighting. So everything should be fine, right?

Wrong!

A lot of our lives revolve around rituals.  When you have a birthday, you have a party. When you fall in love and agree to get married, you have a special ceremony.  This is how we mark the important things in our lives.  And we do this out of respect for the occasion and to remember how it is important to our lives.

So if you are coming off a breakup and agree that you want to make things better and along the way stop fighting so much with each other, then you need to do something special to commemorate that vow.

So think about having your own special and memorable event that the two of you can be a part of that will never be forgotten.  Indeed this event should serve as an “anchor” to remind you how important each of you are to the other.

I can think of lots of things to do and places to go that would be very special.  But as I conclude this post, I will leave it up to you to come up with your own special magic.

What Can I Do When My Marriage is Failing

It’s over you think.  You feel deep inside that your marriage has been falling apart for a long time.  What was once a relationship you thought was second to none, has now turned into something that is coming to a close.

Everything, since your marriage failed,  may feel upside down.  And all of the things you use to take for granted, seem murky and blurry.  And before you know it, that person, who use to be “you”, is hardly recognizable.

thinking about things differently

Are so you think.

You see, sometimes things ARE as bad as you think.  Sometimes the floundering relationship you have with your husband or wife is worse than you realize.  And sometimes things are not nearly as bad as you fear.  More often than not, that is the case.

Before we carry on, let me call your attention to a recent article I wrote that deals with how you go about putting your marriage back together again.  I think it would be worth your while to take a look!

How To Put Your Marriage Back Together Again

So give things a chance to settle down in your mind and in your life before you draw any meaningful conclusions.  Acting impulsively in matters having to do with marriage and breakups usually lead to a compounding of your problems.

When a client of mine tells me that they are struggling in their marriage and don’t know where to turn, I usually encourage them to try and step outside of themselves.

How does this work, exactly?

getting outside of yourself after a breakup

Stepping Outside Yourself To Find Yourself

So what does it really mean to step outside ourselves?  How does that help us with gaining a new perspective on what you should do to repair your marriage?  And an even more important question is how “finding yourself” can help you determine if your husband or wife is someone you wish to spend the rest of your life with.

Don’t you think that is an important thing to know?  Seldom do such insights arrive when what you use to count on….namely a solid and stable relationship…is torn from your life.

I know that may sound a bit scary or even harsh. The very thought that your marriage may not be working and is not worth investing in sounds depressing in the least.

Let’s not go there right now.  It is far to early to come to terms with how you wish to proceed.  Before you grapple with such life changing decisions, you ought to take a closer look at who you are and what you truly want.  When you start peeling back all the layers of this question, you may discover that it is a far more complicated inquiry than you ever imagine it could be.

Let me be clear, I am not suggesting that ending your relationship is the path you should pursue.  Nor is it the relationship path you ultimately may end up following.  What I am trying to help you understand is that sometimes, we cannot know what is right for us.  We may be too close to the marital situation to adequately evaluate what is really happening or what one should do.

My last few posts for this website have been on this topic of how you should focus on your own healing.  It is important that you a wider perspective of what you want, before taking any definitive action around what is best to do.

But like a climber, you won’t be able to see the larger view of your world until you climb to a higher plateau.

Think of this process as a series of stepping stones  Often, when we are mired in a situation that seems dark and difficult, it easy to get lost and uncertain as to how to proceed.

I think, before acting on anything around your marriage, you need to start taking care of yourself.  What you are going through is very difficult.  This approach may sound a bit selfish, but you will discover that until you have taken care of “you”, it is nearly impossible to make progress with something as complicated as a relationship.

So these recovery exercises I am about to describe, hopefully will help you discover that better and wiser person you can become.  And for good measure, I will throw in some “attraction” tactics so that you have something to work with inside your relationship if you decide to go that route.

getting fit after a breakup

Your Marriage is Falling Apart – Then Catch a Fit (A “Chris” Recovery Exercise)

I have a challenge for you!  I want you to catch a fit.  

Now, you may be wondering, “what the heck is Chris talking about!”.  It’s pretty simple.  If you are coming off a breakup, you need a healthy dose of endorphins.  

I love endorphins!  They are the brain’s feel good chemicals.  They are produced by our bodies as a natural opiate and are great stress relievers and deliver a wonderful calming, pleasurable feeling.  

So this is what I want you to do.  It will be fun.  Once you do it the first time, I bet you will want to do it over and over again. And that will be a fantastic result for you because you will feel better about yourself.  

Are you ready to Catch a Fit!  

It is not going to be real easy. But it won’t be really hard either.  For starters, I want you to to take some vanilla extract with you.  I also want you to take a little chocolate with you.  

Why should you take these things?  

Well, if you sniff the vanilla and eat some chocolate, it will help with releasing the endorphins.  Oh, by the way, take some bottled water or sports drink of some kind with you.

Then I want you to go find a hill….the higher, the better.  If you can’t find a hill, then find a park or a running track.  Now, I don’t know what kind of shape you are in, but I want you to run or walk up that hill or track several times.  Don’t wear yourself out, but your exercise effort should be robust.  If you can commit yourself to a 20, 30, or 45+ minute workout, then go for it.

When your fitness workout is over, take a short stroll to cool down.  Then go sit under a nice shade tree or someplace pleasant.  Take a whiff of the vanilla and take a munch from your chocolate and rehydrate with your water.

I am telling ya….a nice wave of endorphins will come over you. I want you to feel the sun and breeze on your face.  Soak it all up

looking good in red attracts guys.        

Lady in Red (A “Chris” Recovery Exercise and An Attraction Tactic)

Ok everyone….this one is mostly for the ladies, though it works for guys too.

This recovery tactic serves a dual purpose.  It is intended to make you feel special, because you are special.  So in that respect, it is a recovery exercise.  But it can also be used as an Attraction Tactic.  

If your Ex just happens to be nearby and sees you, then mission accomplished. We are simply trying to plant a seed of attraction.  Once it takes root in a person’s brain, it is hard to shake loose.

It has been demonstrated that the color red can lead to increased sexual attractiveness.  Men are often unaware of the effect color has on their level of attraction for a woman. While guys may think they are thoughtfully assessing what they are attracted to, the data suggest that men’s preferences are much more primitive than they even realize.  And the color of red can send silent signals of sexual attraction.   

The science on this matter is well researched and a woman dressed in red is more likely to increase amorous feelings in men.  When a man wears red, he is generally perceived as strong and masculine.    

So ladies….it’s time to treat yourself to what you have long deserved.  We are talking about a little feel good time.  Go find your very best red dress.  The kind of dress that makes you feel like a million bucks.  Buy one if you wish.

Then I want you to go out with your friends or if you so choose, you can turn this into a solo event.  Whichever the case, go somewhere like a shopping mall where there is a large gathering of people. I want you to call upon the very best “ungettable girl” persona you can muster up!  With you looking lovely in that red dress, you will undoubtedly be the envy of many, with lots of prying eyes.

Your “Lady in Red” day is all about fun and feeling good.  And if you happen to learn that your Ex is in the vicinity, then let your dress do the talking.

exercise after a split up  

Zen and the Art of Breakup Maintenance (A “Chris” Recovery Exercise)

I have discussed elsewhere on the website the importance of pursuing the “positive”.  It makes you feel good and it makes you feel attractive.  And that is a really good combination!  

So how does one find positivity when it seems that this dark cloud just keeps hovering over you?

Do your remember when we talked about how the release of oxytocin has multiple benefits, including reducing stress and enhancing relaxation.  One of the ways in which you can get that oxytocin surging in your body is through yoga.  If you have little or no experience with meditative activities, then you are in for a treat.

To move away from the heartbreak of a breakup, sometimes you just need to take a plunge into some new experiences.  Yoga has been around for over 5000 years, so it is not a fad or some silly exercise.  Rather, it combines both a mind and body discipline.

There are untold benefits.  Try it, you may just fall in love with it.

recover with the texting bible  

The Texting Bible (Multiple Attraction Tactics)

I would be remiss if I did not encourage you to check out one of my most recent e-books.  It is called, “The Texting Bible” and is very likely the most comprehensive resource available that deals with the Who, What, When, Where, How, and Why of texting your Ex.  

It consists of over 350 pages of valuable content about all kinds of situations you may be facing now or in the future.  I offer up over 250 sample text messages.  

But I don’t just talk about texting strategies and tactics.  I get into many other relationship related topics.  I created this book with one key thing in mind.  I want it to be the “Constant Companion” to anyone dealing with with a breakup situation.   You can get more details about the Texting Bible at any of my other websites (e.g. exboyfriendrecovery.com).

looking for a miracle in your marriage

Miracle Works  (A “Chris” Recovery Exercise)  

Do you believe in miracles?  

I have to admit, I am quite skeptical about such things. Or what about Good Karma!  

Maybe you do.  Or maybe you don’t.  

Quite frankly, it does not matter for what I am going to ask you to do.  Because whether you are seeking a miracle or trying to generate some good Karma, essentially what you are doing is calling on HOPE.

I like hope!  

If “hope” was a companion, I would ask him (her) to follow me around all the time.  From hope, usually comes good things.  Studies reveal that hope can have positive emotional and physiological benefits for an individual.  

When it comes to our neurochemistry, hope has a way of altering our pain centers by releasing endorphins

Hope can mold your mind in such a way that it creates a positive mood.  And that is what you are shooting for.   Anxiety, depression and even pain can be quelled by a healthy dose of hope.

Now, I don’t want you to put all your stock in hope.  I am a firm believer in people taking actionable steps and steering their own course into the future.

But hope has its place in elevating our moods, so let’s get out of the box with a Hope Activity.

Now, “what might that be”, you are probably asking?

Well, we are going to church!  

If you are not a church goer, not a problem.  You can go to your nearest library or Barnes and Noble.

I want you to take with you two bookmarks because I am going to suggest that you mark two passages in the bible.  

So what if you are an atheist or an agnostic or what if the bible is not your holy book?

That is OK.  I am not trying to convert you.  I am just asking you “mark” two passages.  By doing so, you are laying out your marker for HOPE.

Let’s just say we are calling upon the “Gods” of Hope to bestow upon you some good fortune.

You see, hope also starts off as a little seed.  Let’s give it an opportunity to get planted into your subconscious. Your mind is fertile grounds for positive things to spring forth.  

So are we dealing with false hope, here?

Heck no!   A person without hope, lacks in imagination.  Once something is imagined, chances increase that such a thing can become a reality.  

False hope is when someone clings to a notion as if it is the most important thing in the world.

No, no, no!  You are not doing that.  You are just planting a seed!

Now, here is what I want you to do….  

Take your two bookmarks and write your name on one and your Ex’s name on the other.  That’s right!  You are going to offer some hopeful “wisdom” to your Ex as well.  Then place these bookmarks in the Holy Book where the passage appears.  You decide which passage goes with which name.

The two passages are:

Job 11:18        

“You will be secure because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety”

Proverbs 24:14

Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off.”

With you passages marked, I want you to walk out with a little smile on your face. Hope is in your corner!

surprise your ex with a thank you

The Big Thank You (An Attraction Tactic)

There may come a time where it will be beneficial for you to do what I call Video Text Pairing.   

This attraction tactic probably works best after your 21 or 30 day No Contact period is concluded and there has been no response to your “First Contact” texts.

What I want you to do is simply produce a thank you video, with you looking very attractive at a favorite place the two of you once frequented.  This thank you video is intended to, with all humility, simply tell your Ex that you “wish them well” and to genuinely “thank them” for all of the “loving” experiences you had with them.  Keep it brief and classy.  Then send the video text to your Ex.

Don’t tell them you love them or miss them. Don’t gush about how they are “such an amazing person”.  But keep it positive.  

What you are trying to do is plant that seed of curiosity and stir something up in your Ex’s mind.  If you really want to know the psychology behind it, what you are doing is called “anchoring”.  

Perhaps there are still some strong feelings looming just under the surface.  Even if they are in denial, it is likely there is something embedded in their subconscious.  Perhaps there is a sliver of a thought about unfinished business.  Love between two people just simply does not dry up when the couple parts ways.

You are trying to dislodge these thoughts and feelings that may exist.  Do you remember when we talked about psychological reactance?  You remember, right? (i.e. people want what they don’t have).  Well, what you are also hoping for is that the video image of you will trigger that response.

kind gesture to parents of your ex  

Meet the Parents (An attraction Tactic)

First off, let me tell you this approach can be risky, but it could produce a big opening for you to leverage.  You should employ this tactic only after the No Contact period and after your attempts to re-connect using multiple First Contact Texts have failed.  

If you have had a relationship with the Ex’s parents, go on a very brief visit. Make sure your Ex is not there.

Now, both parents need not be present for this to work. Bring with you a Thank You Gift.  You are thanking them for their friendship and the kindness they extended to you in the past (if indeed this was this case).  

Tell them that while your Ex, no longer wishes to see you (make sure you say it that way), you hold no resentment. That is all you should say on that topic.  

You are there to thank the parents for their kindness and friendship and that you only came because you realize you probably won’t be seeing much of them in the future.  If the topic of your Ex comes up, say only very positive things about them.  That is important.  

Don’t overstay your welcome.  Tell the parents you would prefer if they not mention anything to your Ex about your visit.   In a very quiet tone you could say something like, “perhaps it best you not mention that I was here”.  

Then leave.  It’s OK if you look a little vulnerable.  

Chances are the parents will say something to the Ex.  That is what you want to accomplish.  Hopefully, this approach will net you a positive contact from the Ex.  

If the Ex contacts you with anger and accusation over dragging the parents into the break up, then simply tell your Ex you regret he/she feels that way and end the conversation.  Less is more.  Say nothing else and concluded the conversation.  Sometimes, even a negative initial response from an Ex can turn positive in time.

celebrate with a cherry 

The “Chris Cherry Challenge” (A “Chris” Recovery Exercise)

Breaking up can be hard to do and the aftermath can leave you feeling hollow.  If you go on to implement a  No Contact Period, that too can also be very tough to go through, particularly in the early days.  But we are going to inject some fun.  

I believe in rewarding oneself.  Get a couple jars of those delicious, sweet red cherries and for each day you are successful in carrying out the No Contact Period properly, you get a cherry.  

You are shooting for 21 or 30 cherries.  Let the cherry symbolize your success, one day at a time.  

Success is more than just getting through the day without contacting your Ex.   It is also about you getting better and feeling better.  So your day should also include an activity or activities that helps you with your emotional recovery process.  

When you get to the final day of your No Contact Period, I want you to treat yourself to a humongous dessert (with the final cherry on top).

swaddle to feel better

The Swaddling Solution (A “Chris” Recovery Exercise)

We are creatures that need to feel safe.

When our world is turned upside down, our sense of who we are becomes challenged.  We may feel unsafe, vulnerable, insecure, weepy, sad, or anxious.  

Let’s do something about that.

If there is no one around to learn on, then help yourself.  

Swaddling is a well known technique used to calm one’s nerves and promote a sense of security.  You might just need a few hours of healthy downtime.  

So find a quiet place and put on some soothing music.  Then in your bed or on your favorite couch or recliner, just swaddle yourself with a quilt.  Sometimes we all just need to “peace out”.

get out of the box after a breakup 

The Man Crate (An Attraction Tactic)

This one is for the ladies.  

If you are looking to spur a positive reaction out of your Ex-boyfriend, try purchasing a gift for him at www.Mancrates.com.  Let say that you have completed the No Contact Period, but you have not had any luck in getting him to respond.  Well, maybe by appealing to the real “man” inside him, you might just be able to break through that hard exterior.

Come to think about it, you could also use this tactic as a “primer”.   

Now, I have no affiliation with Mancrates.com.  I just came across them and thought it would be cool to receive a gift in a crate. At Mancrates.com you can purchase gifts that literally come “hard wrapped” in a crate.  He is going to need a crowbar to gain access to whatever you got him.  

So the whole appeal here is that you are turning this “crate” gift into a bit of a mystery.  When it first arrives, he has no idea who it’s from or what’s inside it.  He will eagerly open the crate with the thought in his mind of “who is this from and what the devil is in it?”   

There are a couple ways you can play this.  You can leave no note.  Let him puzzle over it.  I actually prefer that approach.  

Or, you can leave a very brief note.  Something like, “Enjoy, from D.”

How To Put Your Marriage Back Together Again

A lot of relationship experts think that by offering some sly and clever advice, a couple can find that magic again that helps them put their marriage back on the right track.

There is this belief, among some, that if you buy the right book or sign up for the the right Relationship Coach, you will gain access to the secret sauce of how a marriage can get back to the happier times.

I hate to burst anyone’s bubble.  That is really not what I am about.  If you have taken the opportunity to read some of my relationship building and recovery articles here at my website, you will come to learn that I largely have a positive attitude about your prospects to land on your feet.

land on your feet after breakup

So, let’s examine that phrase…”landing on your feet”! What does that really mean. Some people may take it to mean that any advice dispensed should be focused on how the couple can work together  to better resolve their differences.

If they work hard enough, with the same aim in mind, they will land on their feet closer, happier, and motivated to make things work.  That is one theory.

That all sounds good and I like the idea of a husband and wife working off  of the same sheet of music.  I can see some good coming from a couple attending counseling sessions together.  I can see some benefits if  even one of the marital partners participle in coaching sessions.  It is not a unreasonable thing to believe that an individual can learn insights and bring  that knowledge back home and share it with their spouse.

So all those things are good things.  I agree, they should be part of the marital recovery process for most marriages.

But I tend to have a somewhat different perspective in how a couple can finally learn from their mistakes and the mistakes of their spouse.  I like to think that the best way a couple can come together to form a better marital relationship is to first focus on forming a better personal relationship with oneself.

That’s right.  You need to heal yourself, before you set out trying to make your relationship better.

build yourself up

Building and Growing a Personal Relationship With Yourself

So to this end, what I would like you to focus on is not just how you can re-attract your husband (or wife) if the two of your have separated.  Let’s turn our attention to some of the things you can do to help get back on your feet if you have been suffering from the relationship breakup blues.

These series of self improvement ideas are part of a series of posts I have done that can help you wrestle with some of those horrible feelings you may have following the breakdown of your marriage or relationship.

Here is the last post I published in this ongoing series.  Remember, your focus should be on healing “you”, before you go about trying to put your marriage or relationship back in order.

How To Get Over the Relationship Breakup Blues

And to make sure you have something to act upon in the event you wish to reopen the communication channel with your ex or current husband (or wife), I have thrown in some attraction tactics.

Ok, ready, set go.

build your own rainbows

Turning Your Marriage Blues to a Rainbow by Living a “Yes” Day (An Attraction Tactic & Recovery Exercise)

This idea can implemented and used in multiple ways.  It can be employed during a period when you simply need some space or separation from your ex husband or wife (or ex).  

All you need is a good friend to play it with.

Or you can put this principle into effect after you reunite with your Ex. In that respect, it becomes an enabler for attraction and keeping the relationship fresh.  

How does it work?

Actions speak louder than words, right?  So I want you to consider playing the “Selfless Game”.

Let’s assume you do this activity with your significant other.

You start off explaining that you would like to inject some fun and spontaneity in the relationship. Perhaps things have been somewhat stale lately.   

Tell your lover you have a remedy.  It is called the “Selfless Game”.  You both get a chance to play the “Selfless” role.

The idea is one of you will spend an entire day doing EVERYTHING that your husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend wants to do or talk about.

Imagine spending a day or evening together in which magically you are unable to say “No” to your lover.  Just imagine the kind of sparks that could ensue from that type of interaction.  

You see, often, what it takes to have some fun is getting out of the box.  Simply just let yourself go in the moment. Now, I don’t want you or your friend (or lover) to do anything really crazy.  There should be some understanding of what is safe and reasonable so as to keep things from getting out of hand.

When it is all said and done, you may find that you had the time of your life and released a lot of pent up stress.  And if you are playing this game of dare so to speak with your ex, then you may very well discover that the very notion that the two of your needed space is long in the past.

See the light at the end of the breakup

Getting Back Together Requires that You First See the Light (A “Chris” Recovery Insight)

Did you know that most people overestimate the time it takes to recover from their breakup or separation or divorce?

I know you may be feeling pretty bad about things.

The good news is you will recover faster than you think! Most individuals think it will take longer to get over their break-up due to what is called the “initial intensity bias.

What happens is we end up fooling ourselves. I don’t know about you, but I sure don’t like being fooled!

Here is how it works!  

The more “in love” you were, then the more you will feel a new relationship is out of the question.  You will swear on a stack of bibles that your marriage or relationship has fallen over a cliff or that you and your ex or headed for utter destruction.  With that frame of mind, you see no possibility of ever recovering in a very long time, if at all.

Ok, so maybe I am exaggerating just a tad about how you might feel.  But I think you get the point!

And if you were the one who was dumped….then the greater the intensity bias.  You will think your personal recovery is far, far away.  

So, if you think this way…..just know that your are so wrongggggg!

If you want to read up on it some more, then check out the link below for more details.  The good news is seldom are things as bad as you may think.  

http://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/elifinkel/documents/ForecastingPageProofs8-14-07.pdf

time to reap after marriage loss

Cobbling Back Together Your Relationship is About Embracing “A Time To Reap” (A “Chris” Recovery Insight)

I want you to reflect on the phenomenon we call time with a different pair of eyes.

Think of time like it is a slice of something.  

Think of a massive playing deck. Each card represents a slice of time.

Imagine you only have a finite number of these slices. Every time you use one, your life deck grows smaller.  

The lesson is you don’t want to think about how long you have been with your ex or your husband or wife (whatever the case may be) or all of the problems you may have had. Rather,  focus on the moments you have remaining and doing something special with that time.

Our universe of 13.3 billion years of age is vast and expansive. Yet were are just the smallest of little specks that walk around on a tiny little planet.

Our life span sweeps by so fast when we place it against the background of all there is that makes of the vast universe. Don’t let these precious slices of time be wasted.  You can’t get them back.

Our clock is ticking.

We have 29,220 days (on average) to live.  What a shame it would be if you waste those precious moments reliving the ugly times you may have had in your marriage or relationship.

It will tell you something profound and I genuinely hope you never forget this….  

I do not want YOU to be the person (once you grow very old) who looks back on their life and becomes angry with yourself for wasting so many precious moments of time caught up in the negativity and sadness of what you perceive as a failed relationship.

Relationships are stepping stones helping you learn things about yourself and others.  They enable you to embrace a more positive future, if you choose that path.

Sadness and negativity is not a personality trait you are assigned.  It is not a uniform you are given to wear.  These emotions are a state of mind.  And ultimately, you get to choose your state of mind.  

Right now, I want you to look at your watch, clock, or whatever time piece you have around you.  I want you to think about all of the time you have wasted feeling bad about the breakup.  I want you to think about this journey you are taking.  

You can choose to immerse yourself with more negative and unhappy thoughts or your can dedicate yourself to the quest of becoming the best version of your HAPPY self.  

You have felt bad long enough.

It is said that “the present moment is a powerful Goddess” (Goethe).

Use all of your remaining days seeking to feel better in the “moment”.  Make that promise to yourself.  

Better yet, say it out loud.

Guess what?

You just dramatically increased your chances of living within many more fulfilling moments.  And you also increased your prospects for past or future relationships with men and women.

getting anchored after you split up

Letting Go of Your Ex is in Part About Getting Anchored (A “Chris” Recovery Exercise)

I like psychology.  I think the application of psychological principles can help us with dealing with our breakup sorrows.

There is a psychological technique I want you to consider.  Actually it is a neurolinguistic technique, but that word is kinda “out there”, so I figured I would try keep things simple.

Ok, strike that!  Nothing is really simple when we are dealing with psychological perspectives.   

The technique, I want to talk about is called, “anchoring”.

This is how it works.  Think back to those times when you were doing something you enjoyed very much.  Perhaps you were using one of your favorite recipes to cook an amazing meal for your husband or wife.  You are having the time of your life and the smell of the dinner you are preparing is simply amazing.   The dinner was amazing.  You and your lover made love and that experience was fantastic. Indeed, the whole affair was so memorable, it gets lodged deep in recesses of your mind.  And every time your prepare and smell that meal, you can’t help but link that positive emotional experience with your current mood.

When I reach for my racket to play tennis, I think of many of the wonderful experiences I have had playing tennis in the past.  And it makes me feel good. 

But here is what is interesting. You can summon up the feelings using what is called “anchors” to color in your mind’s “attitude”.

Don’t you just love the way that sounds!

I mean, you can become  “Picasso” like!  Sketch out what kind of attitude you want to have.  Then fill it in with your actions.

So “anchors” can be deliberately created or resurrected and that can help you achieve a more desirable emotional state.

It is simple to do.  

Your brain contains an inventory of all kinds of positive images and memories. They are stored in there for you to call up when you chose to. Pull them up, out of your mind, and take a fun and fulfilling ride such that you can reside in a happier place.

“Picking your attitude” is indeed a real thing you have control over.

If you wish to learn more, check out this resource.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methods_of_neuro­linguistic_programming

find yourself through expressive writing

Learn From Your Breakup Through Expressive Writing (A “Chris” Recovery Exercise)

Another idea I would like you to try is expressive writing.

It is simply to do and can be powerful.

This relationship coping technique has been studied extensively and what has been learned is that for those who have experienced a breakup, a fast route to recovery is to write about ONLY the “positive aspects” of that breakup.

This approach is based on the cognitive teachings of “Positive Psychology”.  

This is how it works.

You can simply write on a pad, notebook, journal, or diary. It’s your choice.  But the rule is you only write about the positive things associated with your breakup.

You would write for 3 consecutive days and spend about 15-30 minutes a day recording your feelings and thoughts.  

You would write about the positive things that occurred before the breakup.  

You would write about the positive aspects associated with the actual breakup.

And you would write about the positives in your life since the breakup.

The study revealed that when people did this, they experienced higher levels of positive emotions, along with greater confidence, energy, happiness, thankfulness, empowerment, optimism, relief, satisfaction, and wisdom.

Try it!

do a plus delta on your ex

Taking Stock of Your Relationship – Do a Plus/Delta (A “Chris” Recovery Exercise)

I recommend you do a Plus/Delta on your Ex.

So what the heck is that”, you may be thinking?

It is nothing terribly complicated.  But it can be eye opening and help you see the bigger picture of whether your Ex is worth your time.

The way it works is you take out a sheet of paper.  At the top, write down the Proposed Future Outcome”.  In your case it would be something like, “Should We Get Back Together Again”.  

Then draw a line halfway down the entire page so that it is split in two.  On the left side of the paper, you can list all of the positive reasons for why you should pursue a relationship with your Ex.  List out all of the benefits you will gain from the relationship resuming.  Jot down the things that worked.  Write down everything you can think of. That is the PLUS side of the equation.

On the right side of the paper, list out all of the things that would need to change for you to pursue your Ex. Not just things you can control, but behaviors of your Ex that would need to change. Evaluate the likelihood of these changes occurring. Be completely honest and jot down every conceivable thing you can think of.  That is the DELTA side of the equation.

Now stand back and just reflect on the results and begin weighing in your mind if the Proposed Future Outcome is a likely and a worthy endeavor.

It won’t always be crystal clear what you should do.  But this method can help you with seeing all of the important elements that impact your decision.

If you wish to make your Plus/Delta a bit more sophisticated, you can also choose to prioritize certain things.  Put a star by those things which are important to you.

It is never wise to rush into things.  

As you reflect on all of the qualities (good and bad) of your Ex husband or wife, you enable yourself to make better informed decisions.

I have often seen people, overcome with loneliness or even desperation,  jump right back into their relationship far too soon.  

When emotions run high, logic runs low.   Both you and your Ex need to decide what is truly in each of your own best interests.

This is not easy to do.  This is why we see so many relationships suffer from the cycle of on again and off again.

Don’t be that person who is blind to the important things you should know about your Ex.  

The canvas of things you should look at in your potential partner for life is wide.  

I want you to think about a great many things.

Do you have a shared belief or faith?

Do you really like your Ex’s friends?  

What is this person’s experience with love?

How often have breakups occurred in your Ex’s life?

Who initiated the breakup?

Is your Ex kind and generous?

Does your Ex insist on controlling everything?  

How is your sex life?  

Do you each share similar goals regarding family and children?

What is this individual’s ideas around parenting?   

What is this person’s ambitions in life?  

What is their track record regarding financial matters?

Behavior psychologists  are fond of saying that a person’s past history is “predictive” of their future behavior.  

Essentially, this means that what a person has done in the past, is often repeated in the future.  

I place a great deal of credibility on this line of thinking as I have seen how an examination of a person’s history can be a very useful way of figuring out what they are likely to do in the future.  

So please do not make the mistake of turning a blind eye to a person’s past or fall victim to only listening to the words they have to say.  

Actions do often speak “louder” than words.  

Now, this is not to say that a person cannot learn from the mistakes of their past or lift themselves up from negative experiences in their life.  

I think you are getting the picture here!  

It takes time to learn about all these things and it also takes discipline.  Just know that you will be fighting against emotional urges to hook it up and get the relationship back on track.   

But I would advocate you do something very, very important.   

I want you to Wait.  

Yes, I want you to wait and ensure you have thought objectively about this person.  

The true picture of the strengths and weaknesses of your significant other will come into clearer focus over time.

take a walk to find your way  

Before You Walk Back Away – Take The Walk (A “Chris” Recovery Insight)

Did you know that the mere act of walking can cause a healthy release of oxytocin!  Relationships are founded on the release of this brain chemical.  Marriages thrive because of this hormone.  And if you are trying to assemble the puzzle pieces of what to do next after a break up, be assured that oxytocin plays a role in a robust recovery. 

Do you remember what oxytocin is?  Well, let me go over it again just in case, because it is definitely something your don’t want to forget.

When you break up and are stressed, your body releases cortisol…the stress hormone.  A simple act can trigger this release.

You are coming off a breakup.  That is NO simple act.  So you are experiencing a lot stress.  Your body is releasing a lot of cortisol.  That is not good.  

We have to turn that tide.  A lot of the personal “recovery exercises” I am discussing can help you a great deal.

But I also want you to learn about the role oxytocin plays in your life.

A great deal of this book teaches you about “attraction building”.  The Ex Recovery System I teach is predicated on helping you rebuild attraction with your Ex.  Of course, it does many other things as well.

Attraction building is about stimulating the right side of brain.  You want to leverage the use of the brain’s natural hormonal release of oxytocin.  The question is how do you do that?

Well, it happens in a lot of ways.  The body language you exhibit influences the release of oxytocin.  Things like hugging and touching have an impact. The tone and speed of your voice and laughter are other examples.  

Actual words you use only account for 7% when evaluating if someone fancies you.  What matters most to the subconscious of a person are non-verbal cues, such as your body language and the tone of your voice.

Oxytocin is a hormone released by the brain and is thought of as a chemical messenger that is important to human behavior.  It contributes to sexual arousal, enhances recognition, promotes trust and attachment (bonding) and can reduce stress and promote relaxation.  

It is called the “love hormone” or the “cuddle chemical”

What causes Oxytocin to surge in Humans?  

This is not a complete list, but it covers most of the triggers:

  1. Hugging
  2. Touching
  3. Laughter
  4. Brisk walking, swimming, physical exercise
  5. Orgasm
  6. Nursing a baby
  7. Vaginal contractions
  8. Listening to soothing music
  9. Eggs, bananas, chili peppers
  10. Singing
  11. Playing games
  12. Yoga
  13. Talking intimately
  14. Staring into each other’s eyes without talking
  15. Revealing intimate details about your life.

We need to rid your body of the cortisol and replace it with some nice chemicals.  Let’s order up a dose of Oxytocin and while we are at it, let’s get you going with a neurotransmitter like serotonin.  

Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you about serotonin.  It is that chemical of the brain that makes you feel serene and leaves you with a lingering pleasurable feeling.  Serotonin is produced through consumption of certain foods (e.g. grain like seeds, vitamin B6 food groups) and exercise, stress reduction activities, and exposure to daylight.

So how are we going to do this.

Ok, I am serious about this!  Just for fun, try it out.

Take a look at the list above.

Consider going for a brisk walk.  Perhaps you should go to the nearest mall.  As you are walking, your headphones/ear plugs should be piping in some really nice and soothing music.  Take along a banana to snack on.  I want you to smile and laugh. Take along a friend.  I want you to make good eye contact and talk about something quite intimate.  And when you call it a day, give your friend a big hug.

There!  That should get your oxytocin levels up!

How To Get Over the Relationship Breakup Blues

It certainly is not a fun ride when your marriage or relationship is floundering. When two people breakup, it is not just a simple matter of two reasonable and rationale people agreeing that they should go their separate ways.

Why can’t things just be cut and dry we often ask ourselves.  Unfortunately, we live in a world filled with people who often have no idea how to manage and carry on a successful relationship.

Just saying our sweet goodbyes sure sounds like a lovely and refreshing thought experiment.  And it does seem like a nice and civil way of handling a breakup of a marriage or relationship.

But the behavior in which a couple holds hands and sweetly kiss and wish each other the best, exists only in daydreams.

Rarely is the outcome of a relationship breakup clean.  The reality is that when a couple spends a lot of time together, closely knitted by a multitude of personal and private experiences, you can bet they have a lot on the line and a lot to lose.

Marital Advice on Strengthening Your Marriage

You can be assured that two people suffering through the hardships of a breakup are often not of the mind to look at things calmly.  On the contrary,  you can expect that the couple, who once were so lovey dovey, will most certainly  be bouncing off the walls trying to find answers to questions they cannot even frame.

Trust me.  Much of what you are trying to process won’t make a lot of sense.  And the best way for you to overcome the relationship breakup blues is to tap into the treasure chest of recovery ideas that I have been sharing with my clients for years.

I want you to accept that the best thing you can probably do in the near term to get a grip on what is happening to you and what you should do is to begin your own recovery process.

getting over the breakup blues

Turning The Corner After the Breakup Blues

Many people caught up in the turmoil of a breakup are still thinking about reestablishing their relationship with their ex boyfriend or ex husband (and of course for the guys visiting the site, this also pertains to you if you are chasing after your ex girlfriend or ex wife).

If that is the case for you, then I have something for you.

And if you are unsure if you want back that lying, cheating, son of a gun boyfriend or girlfriend….just kidding….I also have some ideas that may prove helpful in your quest.

After all, whatever your intentions, you need some help with getting back on your feet and moving forward.

So to that aim, the suggestions I have for you below are characterized as either ex back “attraction tactics” or an ex back “recovery tactics”.

So let’s get right into it!

message of love in bottle

Message in the Bottle (An Attraction Tactic)  

This particular tactic can work in many relationship situations.  It can serve as a way to break the ice.  It can help with jump starting a failed relationship.  And at the very least, it can pave a way for you and your ex to begin a dialogue.

If you wish to use it as a “primer” to open up the communication channels, then go for it!  

If you wish to turn it into your “First Contact Message”, then by all means give it a try.  

It can also be utilized as another contact tactic if your Ex has failed to respond to your initial communication efforts following the No Contact Period which I discuss elsewhere on the website.

Can You Save Your Marriage With The No Contact Rule?

Once again, we are trying to appeal to your Ex’s emotional sense of mystery, curiosity, or even sense of romanticism.  

That’s right…we are again trying to tap their “right” Brain!  Remember, this is their emotional control center.  If you tickle your ex husband ( or ex wife’s) emotional control center, you may very well open up an opportunity to at least get your ex to talk.

That is what we are trying to achieve here.  When bad things happen in a couple’s relationship, communication typically breaks down.  Now, as I have described throughout my writings, you are probably best off taking time off away from your ex.  But there will come a time when you may want to trigger some positive dialogue.

So this is how it works.

Go find an empty wine bottle.  

You can buy one that is empty and the merchant may even put in a message for you and cork and seal the bottle.  Remember, presentation is important in matters of winning back and arousing your lover.

 little love surprises

People Love Little Unexpected Surprises  

Men are more often stimulated by visual cues.  Women are more often stimulated by what I think of as “stories” and “sweet gestures”.

For example, do you know what else women love and what women want?  

They love romance novels and they want romance in their lives.  

So while men are more visually stimulated, women like to read about romance and think about the characters and how it makes them feel.  That is what turns them on.  

Remember, attraction emerges from the right side of our minds.  To tickle it out, it helps to understand a bit about the differences between the sexes.  

It is funny how our brains developed somewhat differently for men and women, but it is very true and is a scientific fact.

That is why, the book and the movie, Fifty Shades of Grey, did so well with women.  It appeals to something lodged deep inside their evolved brain.

Now, bear in mind, given the complexity of human beings,  these notions I am talking about are broadly true.  Every one of us are unique in our own way in how we react and respond to things. 

This particular tactic I am going to recommend has the potential to work for either sex.

You are going to create a special moment for your Ex and compose this special note in an innovative way to arouse curiosity and interest.  

Ok, do your remember that clear, empty wine bottle we were talking about a bit earlier?

Well, I want you to grab some paper and I recommend you write a little note.  

You can say something like, “I just wanted to Thank You for the wonderful and fulfilling experiences you have provided to me.  I genuinely hope you accept my heartfelt appreciation.”

That is all I want you to say.  

Keep in mind, you should not be begging for your Ex (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend) to come back into your life.  

You should not be asking whether they would be open to just chatting.  

You are leaving everything open.  It is their move, now.  Maybe your Ex reaches out.  Maybe they don’t.   

But what you have done is create an image of yourself as someone who is thoughtful, romantic and available, but not desperate.  

It is important to be seen as strong and sensitive, but not desperate.    

So once you have your message all written up, then have it placed in the empty bottle.  

There are merchants out there that will actually put a special label on the bottle for you.  So you can get creative here.  But keep it noble and classy.  They will do all of this for a price and cork and seal your bottle.

Then package the bottle in a special box and arrange for it to be delivered to your Ex.  

Again, I like the idea of using an overnight carrier.  

Then simply wait.  Maybe it works.  Maybe it doesn’t. Whatever the case, I bet your Ex will be very surprised.  

And surprising an Ex in a positive way, is a good thing.  It is this kind of action that speaks to the right side of the brain.

yo yo and your ex   

Yo Yo (A “Chris” Recovery Exercise)

So let’s say you are in the midst of your No Contact Period.  You have had it with your ex husband or boyfriend and are just fed up.  You know you need some time to yourself to start patching yourself back together again.   I am sure I don’t need to tell you how difficult it is for you to “stay true” to your commitment to not communicate with your Ex.  

One part of your brain and emotional control center is screaming, “I hope I never see or him from him (or her) again”!  Then later, another part of you starts thinking, “what would it hurt to try and clear the air”. 

I know…it is tough…it can be really tough when you find yourself at war within yourself.  It is the classical breakup zone dilemma. 

Your inner mind is constantly nagging at you with doubts.  Your psyche keeps tempting you to  “break off No Contact, just this one time”. Your mind starts rationalizing why it is a good idea to text or call your ex.  You start entertaining notions of possibly running into your ex, accidental like!

They say the mind is terrible thing to waste, right!

But in my view, that is just another of those little sayings that just doesn’t hold water from my perspective. Sure, I am all for education.  But our minds often spit out all kinds of crap thoughts!  

There are plenty of times where couples would like to eradicate some of the senseless or even painful thoughts that seem to embed themselves so easily in the minds of each party.    

Right now, your inner mind is probably conspiring against you.  It is egging you to do something that is probably not in your best interest.  

What should you do?

Well, what you are really in need of is an “emotional pick me up”!

try out an ex recovery strategy

Why not try the Ex Recovery Yo Yo Principle.

There are certain types of text messages that are like precious, self healing drops of Jupiter.  These are text messages that you send to YOURSELF.  

Messages you send to yourself should be self affirming. They can do wonders in building self esteem confidence, lifting your mood, and reducing the damaging effects of stress.  

I like to call these types of text messages, Yo Yo texts.  

Yo” in spanish means “me” (i.e. yourself).  

Get it!  

So you want to send a text from yourself to yourself….Yo to Yo.

I am going to “drop” a little psychology on you.

If you are struggling with a loss of love or anything that is troubling you, then “drop” yourself a message that is full to the brim with positive words of self support.

For example:

  • I am strong. I am resilient. I will survive this and move on to even better things”
  • “As I stand here reading this, I know I am resilient and things will get better”
  • “I am so proud of myself for not completely breaking down.  It is OK if I cry once in awhile.  I am strong and wise enough to do that”
  • “Hey, remember dude.  You have seen worst and been thru worst”
  • “I am determined to begin a new journey and discover who I am and what I really want”

feeling panic about your ex

Putting Ex Breakup Panic In Its Place ( A “Chris” Recovery Insight)

By definition, I am a pretty positive guy.   

But I would be remiss if I did not talk about some of those emotions that might be churning inside you.

Some of my clients have been told things that set them spinning out of control. For example, the other day I had a client who received an awful text.  In a matter of seconds and in the most impersonal way, she was told by her Ex that, “It’s all OVER between us.  Don’t text back”.

She explained to me that when she thinks about that message too much, it sometimes leads to her shaking uncontrollably.  Her heart will start racing and she will get light headed or have difficulty breathing.  

Welcome to the world of panic attacks.

These physical symptoms can later be followed by gloom, depression, confusion, denial, anger, resentment.  Lots of bad feelings.

If this kind of thing is happening to you on occasion, let me reveal to you a big Truth!   

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

In this very moment or possibly in the future, you may feel hopeless.  But things will get better.  And it starts with understanding what you are experiencing is not unusual.

It’s not a treat, that is for sure.  

But there is a reason why your body is reacting like it is.  It’s the body’s and mind’s way of dealing with very alarming and bad news.  And sometimes there are after quakes.

Moods can shift and change rapidly.

So let’s just take a moment and offer you some coping and healing strategies in case you ever find yourself a victim of a panic or an acute anxiety attack:

  • Breath – it sounds simple, but when you are in panic or experiencing a lot of anxiety, you forget to breath.  Or you might hyperventilate.  Your nervous system is wired to go into a fight/flight response if you become emotionally overwhelmed.  On a count of 4, take a deep breath. Exhale slowly.  Do it again and again and again.
  • Take Ownership of your Anxiety – accept that anxiety is a normal thing.  Breakups can take a toll on you. Just know,  you cannot entirely be rid of anxious feelings.  Let’s say you are thinking far too much about your ex husband or ex boyfriend and you feel your stomach knotting up.  Your mind start running with thoughts.  Just remind yourself that this bout of acute anxiety will run its course.
  • Brain Games – realize your brain can fool you. It can trigger this physiological response of panic.  But give yourself a “trap door”. When it happens, know that it is your brain and nervous system seizing temporary control.  But the bout of panic will end.  It always does.  
  • Challenge Your Thoughts – when in a panicky mode, you may think of every worst scenario.  But that is just one side of the brain’s opinion. The emotional side of your brain can temporarily run amok when you are thinking about your past relationship.   Appeal to the rational hemisphere of your brain and remind yourself that things are not anywhere near as catastrophic as the other side of your reactionary brain may make you feel.  No one has died.  The world is not coming to its demise.
  • Look for the Drops of Jupiter – use positive visualization techniques to turn around the negativity in your mind.  It is akin to a form of meditation.  Say really nice things about yourself. Just go to a positive place in your mind….like a field of flowers….a sky of puffy white clouds.  Assign your negative thoughts to these objects and allow them to just drift or float on by.  Basically, you are de-fanging the negative thoughts.  Realize that the “thoughts” in your mind are just mental constructs.  They are NOT REAL.  They have no power over you. 
  • Use Positive Talk – You get a bad text. Delete it.  Send yourself a positive text. Remind yourself that you have beat these bad feelings before and you will do it again.  Say it out loud.
  • The Present Moment is a Powerful Goddess – When we panic and anxiety runs amok, so to do our thoughts.  Like a rampaging river or freight train, your mind can quickly conjure up all sorts of absurd scenarios.  Soon, all you can think of are these high drama scenarios.   Guess what?  The future is always moving and you cannot always control it.   Spend your time thinking about the present and perform your breathing and positive imaging.  There is plenty of time for you to plan and seek a future outcome more to your liking.
  • Stay Engaged – the worse thing you can do is sit around and obsess, allowing your thoughts to runaway.  Keep to your routines.  Add more routines.  Seek a physical release.  Walk around the block.  Go on a jog.  Get busy with life.  
  • Rinse and Repeat – Read bullets 1 – 8 several times.  The more these ideas get imprinted in your mind, the better off you will be.

grow stronger with friends

Tripping for a Memory Wash (A “Chris” Ex Recovery Exercise)

It probably has been a rough ride for you.  And sometimes the best medicine for the heart is a change of scenery.  Sometimes it is best to lift yourself out of the immediate environment and go somewhere to reflect and find perspective.

So this is what I want you to do and I strongly recommend you do it with a close friend.

Why?

Well, if you go off by yourself, that “ole” inner voice can pry itself into your mind and start you off on a negative ride.  When you are with a friend or surrounded with friends, guess what is the on the plate?  We are talking lots of fun…lots of talking…lots of exploring…and lots of distractions.

Think of it as a “Memory Wash”.

Right now, your memories are probably awashed with thoughts about your Ex.  

Well, that just won’t do!  

It’s out with the old and in with creating new, more positive memories.

By the way, there is yet another benefit to this little trip you are taking.  You can use it as leverage to start a mild “jealousy thread” on Facebook or whatever social media platform you use.  

Or you can have a friend conveniently drop a little tidbit on your whereabouts to your Ex.  Not that you want your Ex to come looking for you.  But rather, you want them to be aware that you are out having fun. That can create a little sense of jealousy which is a forerunner for attraction. 

Your estranged or ex husband or wife might be somewhat annoyed that you are out with friends and not in “mourning” over the relationship, but in the long run, it sends the message that you are a vibrant and energetic person.

And that is an attractive way in which you want others to perceive you.