Should I Sleep With My Ex Husband or Ex Wife?

When we break up with our ex husband or ex wife, it as if the whole world turns upside down.  The pain and turmoil can affect us in way that we can never imagine.

Days and weeks can go by as we second guess whether we did the right thing. Often, it seldom matters whether you initiated the break up or was the one that got dumped by your ex husband or ex wife.  But then, seemingly, out of nowhere, something happens which puts the two of you together and these confusing feelings of sexual attraction can come over you.  Suddenly, you are in a place where you wonder if you should sleep with your spouse.  In such a situation you may be thinking whether you should act on your  desire to climb into bed with your ex and just let loose.

Sleeping with your ex husband

Why Do You Want to Make Love With Your Ex?

Sometimes the feelings you are experiencing toward your ex husband or ex wife comes from a need to feel attractive again.  Sometimes it is a function of feeling lonely and the notion dancing through your mind is that sex will help quench that empty feeling.

Sometimes it is just two souls coming together, lost in their relationship, but joined together for those moments, hoping for a reprieve from their sorrows.

You can’t blame yourself if you are only trying to put your marriage back together again.  So is it right to sleep with your ex in order to make progress in putting your relationship back in order?  I talked about this in the following post….

How To Put Your Marriage Back Together Again

The desire to sleep with your ex can be the two of you acting out on your subconscious desire to build a bridge for the two of you to cross, facilitating an opportunity to forgive each other and work on rebuilding your marriage.

The question we have facing us today is whether having sex or putting it more euphemistically, sleeping with our ex, is really a good idea.  Are you ready for the answer?  Hold on now, not so fast.  To get to what might be best for you if you should ever find yourself in such a situation, we need to understand some of the physical drivers that cause ex husbands and wives to temporarily set aside their past problems and anger to get it on.

We have touched on some of the emotional reasons that can drive ex couples to sleep with each again.  Sometimes it happens only once.  Just that one occasion of weakness or confusion or moments of blissful release, however you wish to describe it, could amount to the classical “one and done”.

Sometimes you find yourself sleeping with your ex a few times or even on multiple occasions. What you are probably thinking is irrespective of how many times you and your ex  made love after the breakup, what does it really mean? It will be useful to understand your actions if we peel back  the typical  causes of why people end up having sex  with the very person they probably were swearing off days or even hours before.

is it bad to sleep with my ex

Is Sleeping With Your Ex a Bad Thing?

It is a tangled web of emotions and physical needs that sometimes cause us to do things that are not healthy for us in the long run.  Now, before you jump to conclusions and  think that I am suggesting that having sex with your ex husband or ex wife is always going to lead you down the wrong path…just slow down a bit.

I am not quite there yet.  In fact, I don’t think I would ever agree with the notion that sex with an ex is necessarily always a bad or destructive thing to participate in.

I discuss this along with other salient points in this post….

Should I Sleep With My Ex Husband – What’s In It For Me?

In a few cases, it could be just what the love doctor ordered.  Then again, it could be something that you regret for a very long time.  You see, making love with your ex spouse, whether it is during that period right after the breakup or during an extended separation or even after divorce, is not necessarily a type of thing that we should berate ourselves for doing.  Go easy on yourself if sex with an ex becomes a reality in your life.  It is not necessarily the worst of things and it could even be a bridge to a better relationship in the future.  Ok….now don’t get too excited with my last statement.  While it is true that I have seen couples mend some very broken fences as a result of having sex after the break up, it is not usually the norm.  More often than not, it takes a lot more than sex to right the ship.

So don’t allow yourself to usher in notions that all will be well.  Sex with your ex is not a cause for celebration. Climbing into bed with your ex husband or ex wife is not one of those things that we can be certain will lead to more or less dysfunction.  It will not necessarily be the cure of your marital problems.  Then again, having sex with an ex spouse is likely not going to blow the whole relationship out of the water.  I just want you to get calibrated to the idea that we are dealing with a topic for which there are many shades of outcomes.

should I sleep with my ex husband

So which is it?  Is making love with your ex a good or bad thing?

You see, it can be all of those things, none of those things, or just some of those things.  Such are the complexities of each and every relationship.  We cannot take a subject such as this and set a template on top of it and announce to the world that “sex with ex is amazing” or “making love with your ex is the worse thing you can do” .

Well, actually, I suppose technically anyone could make such proclamations.  Indeed, people do so all the time.  Everybody it seems has an opinion on the subject.

But in my opinion, it would not be true to make such a blanket statement and hold that it is true of all ex couples.  Every couple that I encounter who engage in sex after the break up have their own unique set of circumstances that they are dealing with, both as a couple and individually.

When we take into account the complexities surrounding our emotional behaviors and needs and couple those with our physical needs and then throw in a bit of chaos and sprinkle in some irrational thinking, then shake it all up with momentary thoughts of a re budding romance, you get sex with an ex in all forms.

why do we crave sleeping with our ex

What Drives Us to Want To Sleep With Our Ex?

Let’s talk about the physiological drives that can arouse us want to have sex with our ex.  Bear in mind this can be a rather technical discussion.  The way our body and mind works from all of its attendant nerve cells found throughout our body to the most important organ in our body…namely our brain……these things work together like a well honed orchestra.  Specifically, pheromones and oxytocin (a neurotransmitter) plays a big role for what is happening in the events leading up to having sex with your ex.  What happens between the sheets with you and your ex it turns out is not just something we logically and rationally decide to do.  Our desire to make love with another, even our ex, is a function of many variables.

Now, let’s not forget the way our emotional needs can dial us up to participate in the very thing we may have said to ourselves that we would never do.  One day you are cursing under your breath every thought that may come to mind about your ex husband  or wife.  Then before you can even realize what is completely happening, you and your ex are having the sex of your lives.

We have to ask ourselves, what on earth is happening in our noggin that makes us behave that way and why can the sex we engage in with our ex husband or ex wife be so tempting, fulfilling, exciting and even erotic.

Let me tell you about the effects of oxytocin.

In laymen’s terms, it is probably best described as the cuddle hormone.  Any number of things can trigger it.  Physical exercise, certain foods, a certain touch, and hugging can all help bring it on.  And when it does, that chemical can trigger the love juices that ex’s are often craving.

Really, you might ask.  How can I go from practically despising my ex husband or wife, and then suddenly some little natural chemical released in my brain  causes me to forget all of the troubles and heartache they have caused me?

You might be thinking how on earth could I be so weak or stupid to do such a thing.  If you are reading this article, you actually might be posing this question in the past tense.  You might be wondering what possessed you to jump into bed with they guy or gal that you know…deep inside….has been nothing but trouble and will likely continue to be the mistake of your life!

Why Do Ex Couples Sleep With Each Other

The Real Story Behind Why Couples Sleep Together

Well think of it this way.  When you go through a separation or break up with your ex husband or wife, your body and mind are entering into a kind of anxiety zone.  But that might not be the only thing going on with you emotionally and physically.  Your break up pain zone may also include stomach aches, head aches, loneliness, depression, and fatigue.

Your blood pressure may be elevated, you may be suffering from not just the pain you feel deep in your gut, but actual physical pain due to your heartbreak. Oxytocin is the body’s natural way of combating some of these various emotional mood and physiological states.  Think of it as the body’s fireman that is on hand to help you put out the pain or at least diminish it.

It is hard for your mind to forget all the times you and your ex engaged in sex.  It is in there, deeply embedded in your psyche.  Also,  deep in your brain, you have memories of  your ex husband or wife helping you feel safe or protected or confident.

You mind can play tricks on you.  It is not always a fair arbitrator between fantasy and reality.   You may end up focusing more on memories of all the good times when you were with your ex.  You might spend a bit too much time conjuring up romantic notions of the past in which the two of you brought each other peace and love.

You might be tempted by these images of when the relationship was experiencing the good times and fooled into diminishing the gravity of the present problems; thinking that just perhaps he or she deserves a second chance.  Sometimes we can think that way for a few moments, minutes, hours, or even days.  Hence, you can see how it can be tempting to ease off of what your rationale  and logical mind is telling you and become swayed by the emotional side.  You know what I mean?  It is like what I have preached before…..when emotions run high, logic runs low!

And  since you have memories of so many wonderful times you enjoyed each other sexually, something has to give.  And when oxytocin is on the loose, it is not too surprising to me that an ex couple find themselves in each others arms.

Oxytocin is that magical lustful hormone that finds its way into your bloodstream and consequently helps you with eliminating some of your pain and anxiety, replacing it with those most wonderful serene feelings of contentment and bliss, however fleeting those feelings may be.

And it will come to pass that there will be a time that your ex will stand before you when you might be in a vulnerable state.  They may reach out with a few kind words and a touch.  You unconsiously smell them (this is where phereomones, secreted in sweat, begin playing a role in attraction) and before you know it you are removing each other’s clothes and enjoying each other’s body like you have done many times before.

Yep, it is true.  Sometimes we humans are on automatic pilot.  There is like this little unconscious “you” who is inside you.  It is guiding you to think and do things that the conscious “you” is not fully aware of until that moment of vulnerability unfolds.

So when a little quiet moment arrives between you and your ex and the the subconscious you becomes  excited by the presence of pheromones and the subtle intimate touch from your ex, events can quickly conspire against you and override your thoughts of anger and resentment toward your ex.

So when you lay it all out in this way, understanding the physiological and emotional drivers that can lead you to sleep with your ex, it is understandable that the question of sex with an ex spouse comes up so often.

Later, after the act, it is not unusual to feel guilty.  It is not that you did anything particularly wrong. It is that the flood of sexual thoughts that dominated your mind are slowly being replaced with more pragmatic  and rationale thoughts of “do I really want this man (or woman) in my life right now“.

Or when its all over you may be thinking or even say, “this was a big mistake“. Regret or guilt may sweep over you like a wet blanket.  You may question your sanity and berate yourself for being weak or foolish.

don't be so hard on yourself if you sleep with your ex husband

Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself if You Sleep With Your Ex

So what do I have to say about that?  My response is, “give yourself a break!  Look, you are just human.  As I explained, your emotional and physiological needs sometimes trump  that very logical and rationale side of your brain that is telling you that it is too soon or premature or completely the wrong thing for the two of you to do.

So try not to beat yourself up.  Did you make things worse by having sex with your ex husband or making love with your ex wife?  Probably not.  It happened.  And while one part of you may feel bad about it, another part of you benefited from it.  I like to take “the glass is half full” attitude when it comes to these things.  If some oxytocin can get released and help you navigate through the painful recovery of a break up, even for a brief encounter, then take the pleasure you gained from the experience and move forward.

Now, I am not suggesting you should seek out a sexual encounter with your ex to relieve yourself of anxiety and pain, replacing those feelings with the warm fuzzies.

Where you can encounter problems is if find yourself in a mode of repeating (frequently) the sexual encounter you had with your ex spouse.  That can lead to unhealthy behaviors.

Another problem is if you fool yourself into thinking that having sex with your ex is a replacement for solving the serious problems that caused the break up in the first place.  Now, if you are a healthy functionally interacting couple and have a fight, followed by the act of lovemaking…in such cases, yes, sex can help you mend the fence.

But if you are separated or divorced and the break up is serious, then using sex to try and fill in the empty places in your relationship caused by serious problems is not a long term solution.  You will just grow to resent your partner more and more after each love making session when you realize your ex is not changing and that the issues that caused the break up, still exist.

There is something to be said about remaining unavailable to your ex, particularly if you are looking to reconcile.  Once you let them in, just for sex, without them making a long term commitment, you are likely fighting a losing battle.

when you should go for it with your ex

Occasional Encounters With Your Ex

I had a client once and she told me that she and her ex husband once would have occasional sexual encounters.  She said that went on for a couple of years.  It unfolded in a way that it evolved into a  kind of “friends with benefits” type of situation.  This is not for everyone, to say the least. You need to be strong of mind and spirit and know exactly what you want.

She told me that she thought they both gained something from the experience. They had been married for 15 years and for large parts of the marriage, they were happy.  So there was some foundation and past stability to their marriage that they could look back on with some fondness.

She believed their previous posititve marital history helped them keep things from getting too ugly.  And while it is a long story, when they did finally separate and eventually got divorced, they both went through a series of emotional ups and downs.  Neither of them held down a serious relationship with another person in the first year or two following the break up.  Since they had enjoyed a relatively healthy sex life when married, it was natural for each of them to think back to those encounters in the quiet moments.

She explained that the whole experience of sex with her ex husband felt completely natural and that she felt driven by a powerful force to quench her needs.  She said that while part of her knew that she did not want to revisit the relationship, another part of her wanted, almost needed, the physical and emotional connection that sleeping with her husband gave her.

What seemed to make this work in her case was that her husband was largely of the same mind.  Neither pretended that they were seeking to get the love train back on the track.

There was a certain pragmatism in the air and so occasionally, without it feeling forced, these two former love birds would find themselves in each other’s arms. In their minds and probably in truth, they both benefited more from this arrangement, than the issues that occasionally reared up.

For example, once after a particularly lively sexual encounter, they were both swept over by the romance and excitement of the event and got swept up in a discussion about nullifying the divorce and getting back together.

But after a day or two, they came back down to earth and acknowledged to themselves and each other, that it would not be best…that they were better off with the decision to live apart and remain close friends or whatever one wishes to call this type of relationship.   This went on for almost two years until my client met someone and decided it was time to commit herself exclusively to this individual.

For this couple, sleeping with each other after the breakup worked.  But quite frankly, I have counselled a lot of couples and what I have come to conclude is that this couple is probably the exception.

They were mature and realistic with each other and while they were both convinced that their decision to separate (divorce) was the right decision, they had enough good years between them that they were able to handle the confusion and uncertainty sometimes brought on by sleeping with an ex.

So, what is the answer for you and your situation?

Frankly, no one can say with certainty that sleeping with your ex husband or ex wife will be the worst mistake of your life or even a “bad” thing for you as your try to carve out a new path.

We are far to complex as human beings and our relationships are far to complicated for some outsider to pass judgement on you for what you did  or what you were thinking of doing with your ex.

No one has a corner on the wisdom of whether or not you should engage in sex with your ex marriage partner.  As a rule, I would say it is usually not a good idea. But I also feel that more often not, it is not something that is going to be a net negative, particularly if it only happened once.

It helps to understand why it sometimes happens and what causes an ex couple to engage in sex after the break up.  Just know that, in the long run, this type of behavior, as natural as it may feel, it likely not going to lead to any lasting solutions to the very problems that brought the relationship to an end.

To solve those problems, you need to operate from the left side of your brain…the thinking and rationale side.

Getting Your Ex Wife Back – A Second Chance

It is what we all want, right?

Getting your ex wife back after she has left you is the gold standard for all relationship comeback stories.  The problem is that getting that second chance….getting the wife to take you back is not so easy.

After all, the two of you were married and that act in itself is suppose to help safeguard you from any rash or impulsive decisions that could lead to marriage catastrophe.  But not all things work out the way we want in the world of marriage and relationships.

getting your ex wife back

Just know that you are not alone.  Many men out there have struggled with marriage and when things broke apart, they felt crushed, angry, frustrated, and confused.

Changing Your Approach to Getting Your Ex Wife Back

Yep, life and marriage is not meant to always be  easy.  Indeed, we can learn more through our missteps and mistakes, than we can learn from a free pass down easy street.

In fact, in all my years in dispensing advice to men and women on various relationship topics, one of the hardest things for men to wrap their brain around is the prospect that if they don’t shift their paradigm about how they wish to get their ex wife to view them differently, then guess what…. they are more likely to get shot out of the saddle, over and over again.

So, if you are in the unfortunate position of still being in love with your ex wife and something happened during the marriage such that the connection between the two of you cratered, yet you still can’t keep your mind off her and you are sure you are still in love with your wife…then you have come to the right place.

make changes in your life

If you truly want her back and are willing to work hard for it and change some things along the way, then by golly I would say your chances have improved already.

Do you really need to change yourself to get your wife to respond to your efforts to win her back?  Not really.  Changing oneself for the sake of getting an ex back is usually a temporary solution.  You are what you are to a large extent.  There are things that you can let go of.  And there are elements of your personality that can move more to the forefront.  None of this is about changing yourself.  We all can do with more or less of some of our behaviors.  But what I say is you need to take a journey that will allow you to become the best version of yourself.  More on that later.

But there are no sure things out there.  The battlefield of warring ex wives and husbands is wide and is filled with potholes.  If you are not careful, it is easy to step down the wrong path.

For example, I often get clients who ask if they should lay down an ultimatum for their wife to return.  Then on the other side of the spectrum, I get questions from guys who wonder if it would be best to just give her the cold shoulder.  Given the individual differences that every marital relationship, my advice often falls in between.

Don’t feel too rushed to get her back, otherwise you put yourself in a position of possibly coming off as begging for her to return.  That is seldom a winning strategy.  But you should not come off as completely ignoring her either.  Unlike a boyfriend and girlfriend breakup, a marriage almost always have many more attachments and roots laid down. A general rule of thumb of winning her back is you must be committed to changing her perception of you, but you can’t be in a hurry to accomplish this in short order.  If the relationship is going to get back on track,  your ex wife will have to come to see that you have made some meaningful changes in your life.

Now, I am not talking about wholesale changes.  That is just a pipe dream.  People don’t make huge wholesale changes in their temperament, attitudes, or behaviors. But, you can figure out what marriage building habits, routines, and behaviors you need to exhibit more of as well as those you need to do less of.

For starters, I want you to read this post in terms of trying to find some nuggets of ideas that can help you move closer to getting your ex wife back.  I am going to touch on some of the synergistic principles that helps with making a marriage work.  None of the ideas I put forward can be accomplished in a few days or weeks or even years.  Forging a stronger marriage relationship is largely about two people working together over time to improve in certain key areas of their marriage.

For example, if I had to distill the key components of a successful marriage and a “get your ex wife back” strategy, it would revolve around the following synergistic principles which I discuss at length in this post.

How To Save Your Troubled Marriage

But for starters, let’s try and give you a different perspective about what you are facing.

We are going to break this problem down and give you a game plan that can increase your chances of winning back your ex wife.

don't rush to get her back

Don’t Rush to Win Her Back

First of all, I don’t think it is wise for you to be in a hurry to get your ex wife back. I know that might go against everything you are feeling right now.  The fact that the two of your are separated, divorced, or are seriously drifting apart is creating all kinds of emotional hardship.  That knot in your stomach just won’t go away and it seems that every waking thought is about your wife and what you did to lose her and what you should to to win her back.

You probably go to sleep thinking of her and the whole breakup situation and you most likely wake up with those same thoughts top of mind.  It can be both exasperating and exhausting.  You may feel completely helpless and vulnerable to sudden bouts of thoughts of how it once was.

This is normal, so don’t let it get you down.  You may feel like you are constantly being pricked by a flower bush of thorns.  It may feel like wherever you turn, the thorns of sadness and depression make their mark on you.

But remember,  it has been said that the more thorns you endure in life, the greater the roots of your recovery.  I know.  It sounds like I am telling you that you must suffer in order to possibly win back your ex.  Believe me, I am not advocating sadist behaviors and nor do I wish you to suffer.  But I found that in general, when people endure hardships, they often learn from those experiences and adapt.

Even though you are feeling under the gun to re-ignite the spark of your marriage and even though you feel like you would do just about anything to get a second chance, I would suggest, particularly if you are in the early days of losing her, that you not succumb to the emotional punch in your gut.

be patient with getting her back

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

What I would suggest you do is tack in the opposite direction.  Let her go.  Give her space.  The last thing you should do after a parting of the ways is go right after.  Trying to after chase your wife through phone calls and text messages or emails is usually a losing strategy in those early days and weeks….even months.  You mind and body is literally conditioned to want to be near her.  You will fill the almost uncontrollable urge to end this break up situation as fast as possible.  Your mind will be filled with many rash thoughts.

Your challenge is to recognize that you are probably not in the right state of mind in those early days and weeks to launch a spousal recovery strategy.  Just know that what is often best is you get yourself together.  This will also be the case for your significant other as well.  Your wife will very likely need to time to repair her own emotional damage.  So try to chill out.

I know it will be tough.  But I want you to think of it like the salmon that swims upstream.  If you go a chasing after your wife and obsessing about your spouse, you are just going to wear yourself out and more often than not, you will fall way short.

So think about spending a few weeks engaging in a period of time where you simply avoid communicating with your ex wife.  Yes, I know you really want her back in your life.  But if the two of you are no longer living together and your wife has split, then you need some time time reflect and to heal.  And so does she.

no contact rule with wife

Using No Contact To Get Your Wife Back

It is like hitting the reset button.  In some circles, what I am talking about is called the No Contact Period.  Believe me, when you stay true to the course of not contacting your wife and simply leaving her the heck alone, she will notice.

It will be outside of the norm.  She will wonder about you.  You should remind yourself of the dynamics of most marriages.  Most marriages are founded on years of experience together and as a result, there is already a built in degree of traction between the two of you.  Like a gravitational force, even if the two of you are experiencing hardship, the forces of what brought you together to get married do not just dissipate.  So trust in these attractive forces.  Give them time to be repaired.  Less is more in this type of situation.

Look at it this way. In many of these cases where the husband and wife have spent a great deal of time together as man and wife, they usually have had some good times.  Those experiences resulted in bonding moments and as they pile up over time, they create a connection.

Routines and habits are formed between husband and wife.  So, yes, your ex wife will notice if you begin to behave differently.  Behaviors outside the norm are noticed, particularly if they are positive in nature.

Now,  giving your ex wife space in itself will not necessarily solve all your troubles.  But it is by far a better alternative than angering and annoying your ex wife by constantly trying to bid for her affections in an effort to lite the spark.

So let’s say you take 30 days and adopt a no contact approach.  Use this period of time for introspection.  Evaluate the things that happened over the course of the marriage that led your ex to move on.  Consider what role you played in the marriage breaking apart.

Now I am not saying it is all your fault.  It never is. But it does take two to make and break a marriage.  So evaluate the things you feel contributed to the problems the two of your experienced.  Some day, hopefully in the near future, recognizing your role in these problems and sharing them with your ex wife, if you should have that opportunity, will be a positive step in the right direction.

Also, while you are engaged in this No Contact Period, work on being the best you can be.  Don’t sit around idle like, waiting for the weeks of No Contact to go by. Make yourself the best version of you.  It should be a fully synergistic experience on both the emotional and physical side and it should also include other elements of your life such as exploring new interests, hobbies, meeting new people, and staying fully engaged in life.

Believe me, an idle mind, spirit, and soul is a devil’s play land.  Don’t give negativity a chance to creep into your life.  Let the word get out that you are engaged in life and working on being a better version of yourself. You want your ex wife to know about it…to hear about it.

Now, I am not suggesting that you go out and date a lot of beautiful women and use that to make your ex wife jealous.  That is like using a club to get attention. And such actions almost always backfire in the long run.

I suggest you be much more subtle.  If you are active in social media, there are opportunities to create as sense of “you” that is attractive and interesting.  And invariably, that profile of you will come to your ex’s attention.  If social media is not your “thing”, then enlist friends and surrogates to get the word out about how you are carving out a new “you”.

step up for get wife back

Stepping Up To Get the Wife Back

Eventually, there will come a time when you will want to reach out to your ex wife and when you do, you will want to make it count.  I am a proponent of little steps. So when you do finally reach out to your ex, you will want to do it from a position of strength.

Your goal should be to just get a conversation started so the initial contact message needs to stand out.  There are dozens of text messages that you could send that might perk your ex’s interest.  But since the two of you were married before (or perhaps still married but separated in some way), I think you need to do something more personal.

One idea that I have discussed before is using the idea of a  message in bottle. Your ex wife will very likely not expect to receive such a note in such a creative way.  And that is part of the appeal.

What you can do is obtain an empty wine bottle.  You will place a message in it, then have it re-corked.  So the the question is, what should the message say.  Well, again, I favor small steps.  Just the gesture will hopefully shine some good fortune in your direction.

I would suggest your note say something like, “I hope you are well”.   Sometimes it is best to keep things simple.  Let your ex fill in the blanks about what it all means.  Your aim is for her to reach out to you and respond.  That hopefully will provide you with an inroad for further conversation and if you get to that point as this process evolves…just remember to take things slow.

Should You Try To Get Your Ex Husband Back?

It is not an easy marriage question to grapple with.  You spend all those years with your husband and something happens….a huge falling out….a sexual affair….whatever it is, it has caused the marriage to come under crisis or come to an end.

Now the man who use to occupy the dreams of your life, is outside your circle of trust.  That Ex husband factor has become a hot  relationship topic in today’s vocabulary.

How to get your husband back

Before he was your spouse….your husband…the guy you thought you could count on.  Now he is your ex.  He is your ex lover….your ex mate.  And while at first you may have been quite happy about that outcome, you may now have arrived at a place in your mind where you start to wonder if you should try to get your ex husband back.

Are you in this camp?  Are you thinking about whether there might still be a life with you and the man you once loved deeply and would do anything for?

It is indeed a difficult thing to grapple with.  And the answer is not the same for us all.  Just as you might have suspected, whether you should embark on a journey to re-ignite the spark between you and your ex husband will usually be predicated on numerous factors. By the way, feel free to take a look at this post that is aimed at helping you strengthen your marriage…

Marital Advice on Strengthening Your Marriage

Let’s take some time and explore these factors. I think it might help you immensely because this question of whether you should try to get back with your ex husband could be a huge thing in your life right now.  And if you don’t tread carefully, you could make a huge mistake.

is it worth getting ex back

Is It Worth Getting Your Husband Back?

Let’s start first with the negative.   I know, I know, leading with the negative (the glass is half empty) is usually not my style.  I like to lift people up and help couples regain the magic of their love.  I like to help people see the folly of their ways and learn to modify their behavior in order to improve their relationships.  So if you came her looking to get your ex husband back, you are probably not too thrilled that you have to hear first about all the reasons why it is not a good idea.

But I feel I would be dishonest with you if I colored everything in a pretty shades and extolled the virtues of recovering your ex husband.  It is not always the best path to take.

Now, after saying that, I do promise we will get into the topic of why it might make sense for you to explore whether that spark between you and your ex should be and can be ignited.

After all, a husband and wife, irrespective of how well they have jelled together as a couple, are two people that share the same house, the same food, the same bed, and possibly the same parenting responsibilities.

So when things devolve into a state where you and your husband are constantly butting heads and are frequently bring up the topics of  separation or divorce….when such things  seem to happen every week, it does not necessarily mean that the two will never be able to overcome your problems.  Sometimes a couple has to sink, before they rise.

Sometimes we have to split apart and take time away from each other to cast away the ugliness and vengeful behavior.  Sometimes,  we have to move away from our misguided efforts to make things work out.  While it can be hard to look our spouse in the eye and tell them that “it is over”.  There are times when such an action is the best of medicines for a relationship.

Why might that be the case?

Why would I advocate that you should put away the thought of reconciling with your ex husband?  The answer is simple, though admittedly it a most difficult road to walk without experiencing  pain and suffering.

You see, when you completely remove yourself from the grip that your ex husband has on you, you in effect free yourself up.  If you can step away from the shadow of the marriage, then you are unbound to explore those things that empower you and make you whole.

If you have not had sufficient time to look back on your life  with your husband and realize the mistakes you both made, then you have not yet gained the necessary perspective to choose the best path forward.

Your ex husband was probably a central part of your everyday life and your everyday routines.  When that is taken away by separation or divorce, you cannot expect that the vacuum that is created will be filled quickly.

get engaged with life after ex

What you want to start thinking about is taking some steps to develop new routines and new friends and new hobbies.  You might even embark on a new job or business opportunity.  You might commit yourself to lose weight and achieve many other things, but none of these accomplishments and forms of personal growth is an answer unto themselves.  They are a start of your recovery process. Doing all these things and more is the way to walk the path of recovery.  And I submit, you are going to be better off personally and also perceived in a more attractive light by your ex husband, if you place your focus on your own self recovery.

So, with that said, let’s tackle both sides of the ex recovery coin.  Specifically, what are some of the reasons why you should not seek to get back together with you ex husband.  And after we conclude that discussion, we will take up the reasoning why it might make some sense to explore whether you and your ex husband should get back to being an item again.

You Dumped Your Ex Husband and Should Stick to Your Guns

When things went sour between you and your ex husband, you probably felt a lot of hurt and experienced considerable hardship.  But once the separation got under way (or your divorce was finalized) you may have felt considerable relief that the long years of unhappiness and upheaval were behind you.

An ex husband who callously acts in a ugly or vindictive way before, during, and after the separation or divorce is hardly worthy of a second chance.  After all, you would not have gone through all of the emotional trials and tribulations of the breakup if there were not irreconcilable differences.  Trust in yourself.

dump your ex husband

Rarely have I seen cases where after being married, a wife impulsively decides that her husband is not worthy of her or that her husband has not lived up to her expectations.  On the contrary, almost all women when confronted with marital difficulties, take every opportunity to try to right the ship.  This process usually takes many months or even years.

So when a marriage break up occurs,  my experience is that wives have had plenty of time to work through the issues with their husbands.  Now, it could be said that some wives are more focused and motivated at working through the problems found in the marriage.  And certainly, there are wives who, for various reasons, may be less motivated to try and recover from their marriage woes.  But by and large, more experience with most wives is they suffer through multiple attempts to make the marriage work.

Research data suggests that about 75% of couples that choose some form of marriage counseling, benefit from that experience.  But if you are among those who put your best foot forward in the marriage and tried everything you could reasonably think of that would help the relationship improve, including therapy, but things still did not improve….then you have all the more reason to stick to your guns.

Many of us enter into marriages with certain preconceived and idealistic views about marriage.  We may have even romanticized the institution of marriage and perhaps even  raised with the notion that we should  never quit a relationship and strive to do everything to make it work.  But there is a time to draw the line and that decision should be based on a rational accounting of the strengths and weaknesses of the marriage and what is best for all parties.

The notion that we can find the “perfect match” or that if we work hard enough, we can make the marriage work for both parties, is largely discounted by the facts of what has unfolded in society

About half of marriages do not work.  Is it because the ex husband or ex wife were inherently ill prepared or beyond  help?  Very rarely is that the case.  Often, it is due to the inherent difficulty of judging or predicting how compatible a couple will ultimately be.  Some people, when they select their mate, are influenced by many raging hormones.  We don’t always know what is best for ourselves.

Of course, it not just as simple as that.  I think we can all agree that there are many factors that come into play when evaluating whether a marriage will be successful or not.  It is believed by a lot of researchers, that the absence of “kindness” which we offer and receive from our spouse and shows of “appreciation” are among the top reasons why things don’t work out.

So from this perspective, if you left your husband and one of the primary reasons why you left him is because he showed little willingness to be kind to you or show respect and appreciation, then you would likely be foolish to try and chase after a reconciliation with such a man.

I am a firm believer that past spousal behavior is strong predictor of what you can expect from your spouse (in this case your ex husband) in the future.  Don’t be fooled by short term “shows” of kindness during any such period in which your ex husband is trying to win you back.  Your ex’s behaviors need to be seen in respect to the totality of the time of you spent together and those experiences you have with him in the “present”.

As you emerge from your recovery process, you will have an opportunity to embrace a new future, with new hobbies, routines, and people in your life.  So give that a chance.  Don’t give up on love just because your ex husband was a poor match for you or a terrible spouse.

Your future is full of many opportunities.

husband is worth another look

There May Be Some Cases Where Your Ex Husband is Worth Another Look

For those of you who came to this website looking for a way to re-discover a way in which you and your ex husband could make another go of it, I shall not disappoint.

Though admittedly, trying to patch things back together again with your ex is often not your best course of action.  Nevertheless, there are some instances in which you and your former husband may be able to come together in the real sense of the word.

Are Your Ex’s Actions Supported by his Words?

The other day, I got a call from a client who reported that her trial separation with her husband seemed to have worked.  Not only did it give her time to reflect on what she really valued in life, but she was able to observe over this time a markedly different set of behaviors from her ex husband.

Their marriage was crumbling largely due to her husband affair.  At first he denied and acted like it was something that grew from her imagination.  But shortly after the trial separation was underway, her ex came to her admitting he had lied and betrayed her.

While on one level, she was relieved that he finally admitted to something she felt was true in her heart, on another level she felt stunned and angry about his decision to have an affair.

As he explained it, the betrayal was not of the heart.  He insisted he did not love this other woman.  And he stated he had ended the relationship in order to work on recovering his marriage.

My client accepted what he said but told her ex husband that she was not ready to forgive him and was not of the frame of mind to work with him to save the marriage.  As she saw the situation at that time, if she was not enough for her husband, then he will likely never be satisfied.

I believe that is what hurt her the most.  She explained that her sex life with her husband was wonderful and they frequently shared intimate moments.   So when her ex strayed on her, she could not put that out of her mind and felt the betrayal was far to severe and that the trust between them could never be regained.

So over the next few months she decided to put the focus on her needs and began planning a life without her husband.  During this period, the communications between her and her husband were minimal. But when they did communicate, he would continue to emphasis that he made the mistake of his life and was willing to wait as long as it took for his wife to give him another chance.  His words seemed to align with his actions as many of their mutual friends revealed over these months that her ex husband was leading a solitary life.

And it was that consistent pattern of actions and words aligning, that finally allowed my client to look past the tremendous amount of hurt that had built up over her husband’s infidelity.  Slowly they began communicating more and seeing each other more often.

Not everyone who experiences cheating in their marriage will be able to get past that pain.  But it is definitely doable.  And if you have invested a good part of your life in the marriage and if during those years, the marriage had been largely successful and had provided many fulfilling moments, then I think there is definitely hope for those who have suffered from the worst breach of trust a marriage can experience.

Such was the case for my client.