My Ex Wife Is Trying To Destroy My Life and Marriage

Today we are going to hear from Jim who is clearly having some ex-wife problems.  He seems convinced that his ex-wife is determined to break up a new relationship he has with a woman he met at work and eventually plans to marry.

He feels like he is in a toxic, no win marriage.

Is he paranoid about his wife’s desire to destroy his life?  Could he be exaggerating about some of his ex wife’s antics?

Or does he have a point?  Has his ex decided to make him miserable out of spite? Is there something he can do to get his ex wife off his case?

not feeling strong

Well, we are going to take a look at all that as well as  how things ultimately worked out.

You will discover that getting closure is not always an easy thing to achieve, particularly after a contentious breakup.  And while he failed in coming up with his own solution on mending the fence with his ex-wife, something else happened that brought some hope to his life.

So let’s get started with Jim’s tale as told by the man himself….

My ex-wife and I broke up some time ago.  It has been rough going ever since.  She is convinced I dumped her and ran out of the marriage.  It is more like I was trying to escape.

I am convinced my ex-wife is trying to destroy my life and my relationship with a new woman I have met.  I plan to marry this new lady and all hell is starting to break loose simply because my ex is jealous and spiteful.

I Just Want To Move On

I never though this woman, I once loved dearly, could be so vicious. Look, I am no angel, but I don’t think I am the bad guy here.

To say that my ex is livid about me moving on, is an understatment.  The woman just won’t let go of the past and apparently she won’t let me go either.

I am not quite sure what to do about this.  She seems intent in tormenting me and wrecking my new relationship.  The lady I met and have fallen in love with is a decent woman and doesn’t deserve this.

Let me tell you, my ex-wife knows all the tricks on how to ruin a guy’s life.  Perhaps I am sounding bitter but sometimes relationships don’t work out and I just want her to accept this and move on.

She doesn’t really need me.  She is financially stable and can stand on her own feet.

This whole thing with my ex is messing with my new girlfriend’s head.  I can tell my girlfriend is getting thoughts of bailing because of all the drama.

I think my new girlfriend’s perspective about this triangle we find ourselves in is that it is fast becoming a real crap show.  All she thinks about right now is how to deal with her soon to be husband’s ex-wife.  I am afraid I am losing her with all the crap going on.

How My Marriage is Tumbling Down

my marriage is messed up big time

In the beginning of our marriage I was living in the dark.  I was denying what was plainly clear to me if only I would look.  The problem is my ex-wife is a a control freak.

Everything has to revolve around her and when it doesn’t she pitches a fit.  That is one of the problems that led us to come to hate each other.  I know I shouldn’t say that, because hating your ex-wife is no way to live.  But the crap she is  creating for me and my girlfriend is messing with both of our heads

Now my new girlfriend is stuck with a guy who can’t seem to rid himself of his old relationship, with reminders of it every day.

I know that can’t be a healthy way to get a new marriage off the ground.   We haven’t even talked serioulsy about dates and I think it’s because my ex wife’s insertion into our lives.

I am at lost at how to address these toxic ex wife issues.  I have read that when this sort of thing goes on and on, it can take on the form of what is called toxic ex-wife syndrome.

Recovering From Toxic Relationships

This is when your ex-wife emotional boundaries become stretched so far and wide, she feels she has a right to make life hell for you.  She obsesses over you and everything you do and inserts herself into your life long after you have ended things with her.   To make matters worse,  one’s wife can damage or ruin relationships you try to form with other women.

This is what was what was going on in my life.

My ex-wife was showing up at my place uninvited and insisting there are things we need to work out.  How one goes about dealing with an ex-wife who thinks she has a ticket to walk right into your home and then just start carrying on about everything on her mind?

On some of these occasions, my lady friend was with me and it would get awkward quickly.  My girlfriend would leave, feeling confused and uncomfortable that she is in the middle of something.  My former wife would act like I invited her and just carry on like everything was fine between us.

Later I would explain to my girlfriend what was really going on and she would accept it, but I know there are some trust issues now which is what my ex wanted to create.

I simply didn’t have the patience or emotional energy to deal with my ex-wife’s games and all the problems she brings into my life.

wife playing with my head

She can get hysterical to the point where I really worry about her sanity.  Then she can get angry and strike out at me and my new girlfriend, hoping to split us apart.

At first it didn’t work.  My new girlfriend is a real gem and super understanding, but she also a sensitive type and I know this was taking a toll on her.  I confess, it was also getting to me.

So all this stuff my ex-wife was pulling  weighed heavily on both me and my new woman.  She didn’t invite this kind of chaos into her life.  I am pretty sure she would not have chosen to be with me had she known my wife was wired this way.  She often told me I married a witch.

That what Peggy (my girlfriend) called her.

Things really got out of hand when my ex-wife took new aim at sabotaging my relationship with Peggy and started sending personal communications directly to  her.

They were threatening or anything like that.  But should would act like there was a minor emergency and needed to contact me or she would try to start a conversation.  Or should would leave an unintelligible text meant to confuse her.

Of course, I really freaked out when I heard this was happening and confronted my ex and the whole episode turned into an ugly mess full of lies and denial.

So how to you deal with an ex-wife who is so desperate and resentful, they are willing to hurt you by attacking your girlfriend?

Why won’t some people just let go.  She has known for months I wanted a divorce and agreed it was best.  But her actions are not consistent with what she previously said.

There is not a day that goes by when Peggy insists that my ex-wife is not just trying to ruin our relationship but really needs psychological help.

But I worry about the toll all this is taking on all of us.

Just the other day Peggy was telling me she finds herself constantly anxious.

My former wife likes to create public scenes that makes everyone uncomfortable.  She showed up at my girlfriend’s kids baseball game, knowing I would be there so she could talk “finances”, but nothing of the sort happened.  She just impulsively decided to drop in on us.   Then she used the opportunity to get angry about me doing things with Peggy that I had not done with her.

She just won’t let go and what makes this tough for me is I know I contributed to some of what is happening now.

I convinced her just before we got married that I would aways be there for her.  She was head strong in some ways, but also needy and often need assurances.  It made me feel good to know that I could look out for someone and be their rock.  I must have told her a thousand times I would never leave her.  She was always looking for reassurances and I happily provided them to her.

So I guess she become emotionally reliant and dependent on me. At least there was too much of that happening.  I know now that was not a healthy relationship.   No one person should have to completely depend on another for their fulfillment.  I mean bad things can  happen to any of us, but we have to be able to bounce back.

I guess it would be fair to say my ex-wife is a clinger.  I help create that.  But clinging to the past that is no more is not healthy.  I told her this a thousand times but it doesn’t seem to make a dent.  She was in denial.  Still is.

So my ex-wife struggled with much of that and now it seems she lives with anger and resentment.  She is going out of her way to take it out on me.

With my new girlfriend entering the picture, her anger has just ramped up.  I have told her she need to move forward without me.  I want her to be happy for me and I want to feel she is going to be OK.  But right now, none of those things are happening.

How To Deal With a Vindictive Ex Wife

getting flattened out by my wife

I thought when I first got married, things would all work out.  But they didn’t.  We had serious problems and after about 18 months I was miserable.  I felt like I had been run over.

I couldn’t give her what she wanted.  I would get upset because I felt like I had to constantly butter her up and satisfy her huge ego needs.  She was both insecure, but expected to get everything her way.  It’s hard to live this way.

At first I was shocked when she acted like this, but later came to learn this was her way of getting attention.  So there was often a lot of friction and false accusations and just way too much drama.  She suffers from a mild case of being bipolar and her mood swings and impulsivity has not helped our marriage

Sometime I can’t handle it and would disappear for a few days to blow off steam and just get away from her.  That just made things worse because it fed into her insecurity that I didn’t love her.

After a while the relationship just got confusing.  I wasn’t sure I loved her the way I should.  I was looking for ways to escape.  I was unhappy.  I know she was miserable because she was picking up on my behavior.  We went through a period where neither of us had sex.  I suspected that she had some flings that didn’t work out.  She was sexually aggressive when I met her, so that wouldn’t surprise me.  And by this time, I didn’t care anymore.

To make a long story short, I met a new co-worker and we started getting close and a love affair unfolded.  I thought it was time for a clean break and told my wife I wanted to separate.

All of that was hard and there were tears and anger and uncertainty on both sides.  A real emotional roller coaster.  But after a week, I was out of the house trying out my new situation.  Of course she came to learn about me dating another woman and didn’t take it well.

I don’t think people really know what it’s like to have a vindictive ex partner.  I try not to get pulled into the mess, but sometimes her antics at trying to destroy my life is too much to take and I say things I regret later.

She tells me I am a narcissistic, selfish ex husband.  In my mind, I am just trying to survive and move on and she is the one that the whole world must revolve around.

She constantly needs to be reassured and thinks she knows everything about my new relationship and how it is going to fail.  She is so self-absorbed and jealous, I don’t think there is a kind bone in her.

A spiteful ex-wife is the last thing I thought I would be dealing with when I first got married.  I knew she was a handful when we got married and stupid me thought her ways would bring some zest to our marriage.

While there was some of that, it’s not been worth it.  I felt like she was suffocating me and  I had to get out.  But that move has triggered the full force of her anger and hostility.

How Did I Get My New Life and Marriage Back

happy times with my new girlfriend

I thought I would never get past this hole I was in.  I had left my wife and found another women.

My ex-wife was livid with me for not trying hard enough, but I was convinced I did what any reasonable guy would do in my situation and when I saw that we were so poorly matched on so many levels, I bailed.

But I didn’t start-up an affair until after we were separated.

Unfortunately, while I was willing to move on, my ex-wife wouldn’t let me go.  I am pretty sure she didn’t want me back in her life given the things she said to me while were separated, but when she found out that I was falling for another woman, it was as if a switch went off.

So for a few months it was hell.

What may have finally brought some closure was something I never expected would happen.  My new girlfriend was freaking out a lot because of all the friction my ex and I were experiencing.  She eventually decided not to see me anymore.  She moved out.  She knew I was not going back to my wife, but she said she didn’t want to be with me until I resolved the issues I had with my wife.

Then she did something unbelievable.   She called my ex-wife and spoke to her a long time.  She told her that she love me but was unhappy being with me due to the chaos and therefore did not want to be part of something that was unfinished and was broken.  She was referring to my old relationship with my ex.

My girlfriend told my ex-wife that she told me that I needed to bring final closure to my previous marriage and it was unfair to my ex to leave her hanging with uncertainty.  I had been dragging my feet on going through with the divorce, not because I wanted to go back to my wife but I just didn’t want to deal with the hassle.  But apparently, that may have had the effect of giving my wife false hope or so my girlfriend thought.

My girlfriend told my ex that if she truly wanted me back in her life, she needed to learn to forgive me and herself for the mistakes  made in the marriage.  She encouraged my ex-wife to meet with me to discuss bringing final closure.  Closure would be either reconciling and getting counseling or agreeing to get divorced so both parties can move forward.

Somehow, she convinced my ex-wife that nothing was going to improve for all parties involved so long as everyone lived in this uncertain relationship situation.

She explained that what would be best is either make a clear break from each other, ending communication so both could heal; or we should try to make the marriage work somehow.

As it turned out, my ex-wife had no intention of ever getting back with me again.  She was impressed that this other woman had deferred to her to take control of the situation.  I guess that fed into her ego and sense of controlling everything.

As it turned out,  my ex was  getting tired of toying with my efforts to rebuild my life.   While I don’t think she was ready to forgive, she seemed to know that carrying on like this was damaging.  It evidently was becoming too much of an emotional drag on her.

After some heart to heart discussion, we agreed to pursue divorce and limit our contact to just the necessary things.  She even told me she liked my girlfriend and could not understand why she fell for me, but hoped it would work out for her.

The she told me not to do to my girlfriend what I did to her because she didn’t deserve that.  I just kept my mouth shut.

Obviously, I didn’t agree with her premise, but I sure was not going to rock the boat.

So things are looking up.

I feel like I have a life plan.  My new girlfriend and I are cooling it for a while until my wife and I finalize the terms of our divorce.  We do see each other, but have not moved in together.

My first marriage is not what I thought it would be.  Maybe I am not good at getting it out the first time around.  But I learned a lot.

For those of you contemplating it, be sure to know your partner inside and out.  Live together for a spell.  Make sure you can tolerate each other’s weaknesses. It helps to have common values.  Don’t carry grudges and get over your fights.  Don’t let them linger as they will poison your relationship.

 

Why Is My Husband So Annoying and Impossible To Live With

Today we are going to hear from Vanessa. She writes to me about her husband who she says is sadly annoying and nearly impossible to live with.

Do you know the type?

I am sure some of you out there may have occasion to wonder why your husband annoys you so much.  You might be thinking right now about some of those annoying husband habits that he just can’t seem to shake.

You may even have convinced yourself that your husband annoys you on purpose.  Does your guy have a devious streak in him?  Let’s hope not.

living with an annoying man

Indeed, it may have reached the point where you find it nearly impossible to be around him.

What should you do if the fabric of your marriage is being torn by annoyances that seem to mount day by day?

Let’s let Vanessa weight in on this topic.

Vanessa wrote to tell me, “Chris, my husband is obnoxious and manipulative.  I am convinced he is a control freak and I get easily annoyed by him all of the time.  He knows how to push all the wrong buttons.  He doesn’t even try to change.  I have given up on how to get my husband to be less annoying and overbearing.  I have come to accept that is the way he will always be.  Married and stuck with a lousy husband.” 

The Irritating Husband Syndrome

can't get out of bed blues

 

It can be tough when your husband’s manner causes you to want to lie in bed all day long.  Some days, Vanessa could hardly bring herself to face her situation.

Now Vanessa did tell me she has some of her own fussy little habits that seem to unnerve her husband as well.  Frankly, when she offered up some examples, I really didn’t understand why her husband would get bent out of shape over such things like double checking if the doors were locked or  often sanitizing the kitchen counters.

I told her I thought her husband was just picking at her.

Is Your Husband a Louse

But we are not here today to talk about annoying wife habits.

I am sure I could write quite a lengthy article on how to deal with a difficult wife.  Women are certainly not immune to this problem of creating a little chaos.

For the guys reading this post, just know your turn will come and in the future I will be weighing in on some of the problems you may be having with your wife.

But today, I have chosen to focus in part on Vanessa’s problem and how I helped her deal with her husband’s idiosyncracies.

I guess we could call it the Irritating Husband Syndrome.

Are you plagued by a husband who can’t seem to stop doing those little things that is aggravating or is unnerving?

Has your husband’s personality become annoying and irritating lately?

Or has your spouse always been this way such in Vanessa’s case, “My husband always irritated me and I can’t get him to stop.  I think he does it on purpose.”

If we were to make a list of the most annoying spouse habits, how many of them would you be able to check off.  Well, you are going to find out because that is what we are going to do in a minute.

As I alluded to earlier, when your husband is doing things that get on your nerves and drives you a little bonkers, it can challenge you in all sorts of ways.

You may find yourself asking why you ever married this man in the first place. You might think to yourself that you are going to scream or go berserk if he doesn’t stop whatever he is doing.

Truth be told, no women ever sets out to marry a guy who is difficult to live with.  Your heart was probably in the right place, but choosing a partner for life based on what your heart may have told you long ago can be a slippery slope.

following your heart is a slippery slope

This was Vanessa’s situation.

She had married young, rushing into a committment that she now regrets.  Vanessa’s husband was very religious and old-fashioned, so they had not really lived together prior to get hitched.

There were a lot of things they did know about each other.  She explained that it was awkward in the beginning as they fumbled through some of the basics.  Sex was very clumsy.  He was inexperienced. While Vanessa was younger, she had two other sexual partners.  He fumbled a lot and got very tense and uptight when she would suggest things.

Later, probably out of resentment, he would make little cutting remarks directed at her.  It could be over anything.  At first, his behavior unnerved her.  She didn’t appreciate his snide comments.  But over time, the annoyance factor changed to resentment as his antics grew to be old.

So her husband’s biting remarks were not the only things that bothered her.

Her husband also insisted they prey often during the day.  She knew he was head strong and passionate about his religious views.  At least that is how she perceived him in the beginning of the relationship.  Later she came to believe that he was just overbearing and intolerant of her own views.

Her husband’s personal habits also eked at her.

You know the sound when someone screeches chalk on a chalkboard, right?  That is sorta how she described it.  Her husband had an annoying habit of striking a really high-pitched voice when he was angry.

Not only was the sound of his voice annoying, but it so irked her she would often leave the room when it happened which in turn would cause him to get more upset and raise his voice to still a higher pitch.

She would try to explain to her husband that she didn’t  like getting yelled at.  The volume and high pitch of her husband’s voice not only hurt her ears, but it made her feel unsafe.

But her protestations were usually infective.

The Beginning of the End of the Relationship

marriage dissolving into dust

To avoid this kind of thing from happening a lot, she found herself just becoming agreeable and avoiding conflict.

She knows she was blowing fairy dust at him, but to turn the page to another day, she felt she had little recourse.

It was as if the relationship was coming apart at the seams in slow motion.

The end of the marriage clock was ticking and every time her husband would created yet another drama, it would tick by faster.

Worse, she felt helpless.  At least for a while.

When she tried to stand up for herself, he would start lecturing her and give her old outdated ultimatums, insisting that god placed the husband in charge of the marriage.

Stuck With the Worst Kind of Husband

This was not the only problem Vanessa reported.  Her husband also had an annoying habit of insisting that she write down her daily chores and check off each task as it was completed.

It was something he did as well for his own work activities.  He insisted with persistence that people are inherently inefficient and lazy and that the only way to avoid becoming  sinful was to track one’s daily activities.

Given that she was more laid back when growing up, this kind of structured living did not sit well with her.   She went along with it in the beginning, but after the first few weeks of marriage, she grew tired of such a regimented life style and wanted more freedom to pursue things without fear that she would be criticized or made to feel guilty.

All of these things began to take a toll on her and his constant little criticisms not only annoyed her, but caused her to become disillusioned.  She found herself wondering if other marriages operated this way.

I know some of this sounds pretty weird, but Vanessa had little experience with the workings of a marriage.  She grew up in a single mother household.   So there wasn’t a lot for her to use as a comparison except what she picked up from friends.

Brainwashing is a strong word for what she was enduring.

But it appeared that her husband was going out of his way to make her conform with his views and expectations for the marriage.  He had told her numerous times that marriages all over failed because of lack of commitment to duty and upholding the sacred vows.

Early on, Vanessa bought into that view and tried to go along with his puritanical views of how a marriage should operate.  Vanessa’s husband insisted that the husband was always the head of the household and if she didn’t see the world in his way, then she was violating her vows and god’s plan.

Unfortunately for her husband, we do not live in the 18 century and Vanessa soon began rebelling along a lot of fronts.  She was so turned off by his regimented ways of controlling so many aspects of the marriage and her personal time, she fought back in small ways in the beginning.

She quite doing his “stupid daily scrolls” as she called them.

She started to withhold sex from him with the thought in mind that he would leave her and find some other woman who would follow his marching orders.

One particularly eventful day, when her husband screech at her in his loud tone and demanded that she obey him,  she screwed up all her courage, then cursed him and left the house.

To say the least he was shocked.

She told me that while her husband was a very annoying man to live with,  what made it unbearable was her sense that she was being held prisoner.  Not literally, but emotionally.  She explained that she became overwhelmed with the constant desire to escape and regain her independence.

The balance of personal power had swung far out of whack in her marriage.

That is when she knew things would never work out.

Not only was her husband driving her loopy by what she now recognized as a somewhat bizarre preoccupation with operating their marriage in accordance with his religious teachings, but she found the tone of his utterances personally unattractive.

While his mannerisms and habits were not revolting per se, the annoyances and odd preoccupation with religious rituals and had caused her to feel uncomfortable and controlled.

So what finally happened?

Did Vanessa and her husband arrive at a new understanding?

Did she confront her husband with an ultimatum only to be met with fire and brimstone?

Well, before I tell you how her saga ended, let’s take a moment to explore the top 10 annoying things your husband might be doing to drive you mad!

The Top Ten Annoying Things Your Husband Does That Drives You Crazy

never paying attention to me

  1. Your husband smacks his food so loudly and in such a unattractive way, you almost have to jump out of your skin to keep your sanity.
  2. The man you married seems more attached to his phone.  It is bad enough that he frequently ignores you as he seems to always want to check his messages, but he insists on giving you a running dialogue about all things pertaining to him.
  3. Your man is a flirt.  Every chance he gets he tries to catch the eye of other women.  Whether he does it in your presence or not, it doesn’t matter to him.  It is as if he has a unconscious desire to be noticed by the opposite sex and this behavior drives you nuts.
  4. Your husband is a compulsive liar.  He is a kind of guy who is always bending the truth.  Even his petty lies are more than just a little annoying.  His insistence to deceive seems to know no end.  You are not sure if you should be irritated, frustrated, or just downright mad.
  5. Your husband is a slob.  He can’t seem to get it though his head that dirty clothes go in the hamper, not all over the floor.  Rarely does he make any effort to make the bed or sweep up the floor.  Housework seems beneath him even though he always says he will help out next time.  And if you think he is every going to learn to put the dishes away, guess again.
  6. Your guy is always late.  He seems not to understand the concept of being on time and it can make you more than a little crazy as you end up having to explain to everyone why you are late.  Of course, he blames you.
  7. The guy you are married to seems to think it perfectly fine to shout and scream at the television during a sports game.  His wild antics and loud and obnoxious voice rings throughout the house and if his favorite team loses, he his hell to live with.
  8. Your husband knows how to get on your nerves when he wants to start-up a fight.  He likes to try to get inside your head. Even though you know he plays this mind game, you fall for it anyway and it just ruffles your feathers.
  9. Your partner gets on your nerves when he insists that he must make a late night run to get some fast food despite the fact you slaved away in the kitchen to cook up a wholesome meal.
  10. It can be truly annoying when your husband wakes you up in the middle of the night wanting to have sex.  When you reject him he goes into his victim routine or creates a scene essentially disturbing your ability to get back to sleep.

Are You Overly Sensitive To Your Husband’s Odd Habits?

shutting out your guy

Do you ever feel like just putting on the headphones as a way to escape all things about your husband?  Does he annoy you so much that the only way to silence him is to literally silence him?

It is probably fair to say that husbands all over can do and say things that get on their wives’ nerves.  It is easy to become exasperated if the guy you are married to seems to have a knack for ruffling your feathers.

But at what point should we question ourselves as to whether we ourselves are being overly sensitive about our spouse’s behavior.

For example, a women named Taylor reached out to me and told me about her situation.  At first, it seemed to her that her husband could do no right.

But later, she realized that the problem wasn’t so much that her husband was difficult to live with.  It wasn’t really her preoccupation with a few of his undesirable habits that was so much the problem.

It turned out, her husband was really not that far off the norm.  Taylor’s problem in adjusting to some of her husband’s behaviors had more to do with her learning to adapt to her new environment.

She had been thrusted into a relationship which was something that was both glorious and frightening for her.  But when they moved in together, the relationship began to fray at the edges due to some of her insecurities.

Let me explain by way of letting Taylor relate her story.

“I was sure we were not going to make it.  We moved in together about a month ago.  Those first couple of weeks were some really tough days.  I was not accustom to living with another guy.  I had not done it before and everything about living with another man 24/7 was both wonderful and awful.  I know I shouldn’t feel that way.  But I have alway been a bit of a perfectionist and sometimes think too much about things that seem out-of-place.  Or if I can’t get my way about certain little, even inconsequential things, it bothers me.  He is the opposite.  Easygoing.  When he wouldn’t conform to how I thought he should act, I would get annoyed.  I would get mad at him because he wouldn’t get mad.  I know that sounds crazy!  I was uptight a lot.  He thought nothing of it and figured I would get use to it.   I didn’t realize I was this way so much until we had lived together for a few weeks.  It’s part me Chris.  Not all him.  I get insecure about stuff and I think my anxiousness plays into my fears.  Any advice on how to chill out.  That’s what he says all the time.

Is Your Husband Truly Annoying

stuck with an odd husband

But sometimes it is not that you have an insecure attachment approach to relationships.  Sometimes when these annoyances start stacking up, they can compound. And if your husband or boyfriend is not willing to listen to your concerns and make some changes, things can start sliding downhill.

Some men will go out of their way to get on your nerves as a perverse way to get back at you.  Sick, isn’t it.  But some guys have this kind of makeup.  Personally, I think it is a mind game some men play to try to control you.

Sometimes it is just a bad boy complex. There are men out there who are mean-spirited about doing or saying things to intentionally aggravate or badger their wife.

When the marriage is reduced to a test of wills, with the husband constantly taunting and testing his wife to exact some kind of revenge or measure of control, then it suffices to say such relationships have a short fuse.

Don’t get me wrong.  There will always be some give and take and all of us would benefit if we were more tolerant of each other’s vices.

But if you are at a stage in the marriage where you are supremely annoyed with your husband’s behavior and are disillusioned with his ways, then you should be reminded that your relationship is not a life sentence.

I have coached many women who have been married for years who go on to tell me how miserable they have been with their husband’s ways.  You do have options.  We all do.

If you have made good faith efforts to work through some serious compatibility issues, yet the man you are with is still driving you crazy, then don’t feel like you can’t call for a short-term separation to get some space.

Absence is an interesting thing.  It moves us in different ways.

It can make us appreciate our partner’s more and motivate couples to change.

But it can also cause you to “see the light” and realize that not all relationships are going to work out as you once hoped.

This is what Vanessa learned.

She surveyed the past and looked at the future and decided she needed to set off on a new course.  It wasn’t something she entered into lightly.  I know that because I worked with her for a good spell.

Just getting out from under her husband’s control for a trial separation had a powerful emotional effect on her as she realized how much of “herself” she had left behind and she wanted that girl back.

Don’t ever forget.  Life offers us many paths.  Don’t stay on the one that makes you unhappy and unfulfilled.

I Want Out of My Marriage With My Husband But Feel Guilty

If you feel like you are cornered and need to escape your relationship, just know that getting out of a broken marriage with your husband may very well be in your best interest.

Of course, that is not always the case, but what if it was?  How would you know?

When can you be certain that the marriage is truly broken and without hope?

Can you ever know such a thing?

But before we rush to judgement and conclude that your marriage is going down the tubes and that you need to come up with an exit plan, let’s try to look at all possibilities.

Sometimes one’s emotions can run away, causing one to think that escaping out of marriage with your husband (or wife) is your only avenue.

emotions of marriage lifting away

Perhaps you and your husband are struggling on the sexual front, so you are thinking should I get out of a sexless marriage.

Perhaps you and your husband are fighting like wildcats to the point where you want out of an abusive marriage.

Maybe you are a woman who still loves her husband but knows that the future does not hold any promise, so you want of the marriage but feel guilty.

Getting Out of A Marriage Is Not As Easy As One May Think

running out of a damaged pairing

There are many tough marital situations women sometimes have to cope with, particularly if you know deep inside that you want to break things off with your husband but there are also extenuating circumstances.

Is It Time To Call It Quits

You may wish to run away and get out, but something could be pulling you in.

For example you may be overcome with uncertainty as to when to leave a marriage with kids.

Possibly your personal finances are very dependent on your husband which can throw a loop into your marital exit strategy.

Or you may still be on the fence.  There have been as many good times as bad times and you have not yet reconciled what it all means and whether you and your spouse can ever get on the same page.

So you may be asking yourself, “how will I know if  and when I should leave my husband”. 

I think it is important for you to know that you are not alone in your suffering.  There are plenty of other women who are indecisive about whether they wish to remain married.

Many women are plagued with doubts and feel guilty about calling it quits for all sorts of reasons.  Breakups, Separations and divorces come in all forms and flavors.  No one’s story is exactly the same, but there are often a lot of commonalities.

Let’s listen to a few other women weigh in on this topic before we get to some advice.

Chris we have been together for so long.  I am not even sure what to do with myself if I do follow through with leaving him.  I don’t even have a clue how to get back into the dating game.  Nor do I know what to say to my husband any longer.  All I know for sure is that I can’t continue this way.  We are way beyond having grown apart.  It’s like we coexist in the same house, barely tolerating each other.  Do you have any advice on how to leave a marriage after 20 years of an incredibly bumpy ride?

I am seeing it all now.  The unhappy marriage signs are flashing red and I need to get off of this train wreck of a relationship.  My husband is trigger happy with insults.  I am fed up with his crap and he is fed up with me and I simply don’t have the patience for this marriage anymore.  We have a kid so it’s not just about us splitting up but we need to consider how to end our bad marriage with a child without disrupting his life.

Look, all I want to know is how to leave a marriage peacefully because I can’t take this chaos anymore.  We have talked about ending the relationship.  We both agree we are part of hostile marriage.  Neither of us are giving an inch when we confront each other.  But privately, I am struggling with what it all means.  I feel guilty all the time for failing myself and failing him.   I know it’s not that simple and my husband did a lot of things (like his affair) that made this whole marriage a big joke.  I just don’t understand why I feel so bad when I should be thrilled with the prospect of getting him out of the house.

As you can see from these individuals it is not so easy to extract yourself from a damaged marriage.  Often, irrespective of how bad things may have gotten, there will be parts of you that may hold on to some hope that he will change….that he will get better…that he will learn from his horrible mistakes….that he can be trusted when he says he is going to make it work this time.

Sometimes it is the guilt and uncertainty that overcomes a wife as she struggles with whether what she is doing is right.  Many wives who I speak question whether she has done enough on her end and if they, as a couple, have exhausted all options.

It’s not unusual at all to get trapped inside you own head wondering “why do I feel guilty about divorce or separating from my husband.” 

Are Your Emotions Tearing You Apart

So feeling guilty over leaving a marriage or staying married out of guilt is not that rare, but it can be debilitating as it takes a toll on your psyche.

I have spoken with many women who are largely ready to break things off with their husband.  They often reached out to me seeking to get some advice on how they should proceed.

Of course, everybody’s situation is different.

Some wives (husbands too) are plagued with waves of inaction and can become paralyzed by their fear of proceeding with what they know in their heart is the right thing to do.

Sometimes they just need a little push.  Sometimes it helps for them to talk it out with another person…a neutral observer….who can offer their perspective.

How To Get Over The Guilt Of Wanting To Leave Someone

stepping away from your guilt

 

He may no longer be the apple of your eye, but tearing away from your husband can be confusng.

I find that sometimes it is easier to see things more clearly when you share your story.  I have told some of my clients to simply write down what they are going through to get closer to what has been going on in their life.

Sometimes just detailing it on paper helps you see the scope and impact of the troubles you have been enduring for so long.  Just going through this kind of process can, in itself,  help erase the guilt you may have.

There is a well-known therapeutic effective of chronicling in writing your sorrows and difficulties.  Many women who have gone through a breakup with their husband find relief in their journaling.

And this same effect can help you with clarifying your thoughts as to what has transpired in the past and why you have come to a place in your life where you feel you need to move on.

This approach also applies if you feel guilty for already leaving your husband.  Letting go of guilt from a divorce or separation that has already occurred is not always as easy as it may sound.  Sometimes the affected partner needs a healthy outlet.  Writing it down can help you see that you have come from a bad place to a much improved situation.

The two of you may have been together for many years and promised each other many things, yet everything you know to be the truth is pointing at a dysfunctional and damaging marriage.

Our minds and the emotions that run through us are complicated to the extent that you can logically conclude (left side of brain) that staying with your husband and trying to save the marriage would be a poor choice, yet that other side of the brain (right side of brain – emotion control center) can cause you to second guess your decision.

Emotional thinking can pull you back into a poisonous relationship.  Certain needs and vulnerabilities you may possess can contribute to your sense of guilt or desire to try one more time.

Of course there is no wrong with trying again and again to make your marriage work.  Saving a marriage should always be something you give your best at accomplishing.  But the desire to try and try and try again can be self-defeating if the marital situation between you and your husband doesn’t improve or worsens.

How Do You Get Over The Hump of Breaking Away?

do you just keep pretending

So how does a wife get over the hump of finally making the break away from a painful marriage?  Do you just cover your mouth, remain silent and keep pretending that all will be well?

And what about those women who are in abusive and destructive marriages?

Do you think it is easier for them to escape and put their guilt aside?

Sadly, sometimes the answer is No.   The battered wife syndrome is testament to how some women act against their best interests.

It is strange sometimes to make sense of it, but experiencing guilt over wanting to leave or actually leaving your husband comes in many forms.

Guilt has many faces and can negatively influence your mood, but more importantly, this knot of emotion can tie you up from doing what may need to happen.

You can feel guilty because you realize that you chose poorly.  You can feel bad about your own contributions to a failing marriage.

You can feel guilty because you have children with your husband and now the two of you are going through a difficult separation or divorce.

It can be a complex web of emotions that overcome you.  Perhaps you had an emotional affair or cheated on your husband.  So there may be guilt stemming from an affair you had with another man, though there may be extenuating circumstances for why the affair even occurred.

Perhaps your marriage was a wreck and you were just looking for someone to show you support, affection, and love.

So getting past all of these thoughts that may cause you to second guess your decision to leave may require a deeper perspective of what is really transpiring in your marriage.

How do find that perspective that can give you the confidence that you are acting wisely?

It’s Time For a Husband Reality Check

is he really the guy for you

 

Should you continue to keep your husband in the dark about how you really feel? Is this the man you ar married to really the guy you want to walk into the future with?

To overcome whatever guilt or uncertainty you may be experiencing as to whether you should leave your husband, it often pays to participate in a reality check.

So you think you want out of the marriage but you need that extra perspective or confidence or whatever it takes to finally take things to the next level, right?

What if I told you that what happens in these situations is that people are of often guided by their right brain.  This is the part of the brain this is dominated more by your emotions.

If you are married and are trying to work through whether you should leave you husband, spending too much of your thinking time on the right side of your brain can lead you to poor or impulsive decisions.

The left side of our brain is where our logical and analytical side is housed.  Now, most of the time we live in both worlds (emotional and analytical reasoning side).  That is perfectly normal and should be expected.  The problem is when our thinking and behaviors are unduly influenced by our emotions.  The problem is when we spend far too much time operating from strictly the right of our brains.  By the way, it is not such a good thing to spend all your time living in the left side of your brain.

But let’s get back to the right side….the emotional side of your brain.

It is often wise to let some time pass so those jumbled up emotions you may be wrestling with have a chance to come back down to earth.  If you are going to make the all important decision of breaking up with your husband and navigate through all of things you should think about, you are going to need a little help.

What I like to do with my clients who are struggling with how much more they should invest into their failed marriage is help them with finding their analytical side.

One way of doing that is participating in an exercise that helps you identify your key priorities and whether an ongoing relationship with your husband is going to be part of the solution or problem.

The 5 Steps To A Happy Tommorow

sizing up your guy

It call it doing a Husband Plus/Delta.

1.  Set Up Stage: You can do it by yourself just about anywhere.  You can complete this exercise on a piece of paper or if you need the visual reinforcement of a prop, you can make use of a flip chart.  You can also use a super large, poster size post-it note that you can stick on the wall.

2.  What Is the Desired Change: It works like this.  Think of the change you want to see in your life.  It might be something like leading a happy and fulfilling life in a relationship with a man who respects you, is considerate of your needs, and has the same values you possess.

Think of that future state as that which you wish to achieve.   That is the “Big Change” you wish to see happen in your life.   Your aspiration represents the place you are trying to get to.  It is what you and your relationship partner should be striving to achieve together. Write it down at the top of your poster.

3. The Plus Stage: Now what you are going to do next is objectively evaluate your current husband’s strengths and weaknesses and make an assessment as to whether your man exhibits the right behaviors and competences  that can help you get to that desired future state.  Those are the Pluses. Try to prioritize them as your write them down on the poster.

4. The Delta Stage: At the same time, you are going to also evaluate the “Deltas”. Prioritize these as well from most impactful to least impactful. These are the negative things about your husband or the environment you are currently in that is preventing you from reaching the desired state.  Often the things you might list are unattractive qualities that your husband possesses or conclusions you have reached about his readiness to be good husband.

Now, not all of these qualities you may write down are necessarily evil or unattractive.  But their existence is preventing you from realizing what it is you wish to achieve with your marriage.  It could be your husband’s value system is far different from your own.  Whatever it is, if it is preventing you from reaching your desired future state, then write it down.   If you could change these things or influences, it would mean greater happiness and fulfillment.

5.  The Conclusion Stage. So when you are through with this exercise, you should be able to better assess if all of these “deltas” are going to be too difficult to overcome.  If they far out number the “Pluses” then that speaks for itself. Obviously our partners in marriage have both  strengths and weaknesses.  One hopes that they have married someone whose strengths are far greater than their weaknesses.

But it may not be clear to you as to what you have gotten yourself into unless you have some objective way to look at the bigger picture of what your husband (or wife) offers in the way of relationship competencies that will enable them to be a successful marriage partner.

A lot can happen to cloud your judgement and perspective.  For example, our raw, vulnerable emotions can get in the way.  Anger can get in the way.    Any woman who is struggling in her marriage can get lost in her relationship situation, not realizing just how incompatible her husband may truly be.

This is one effective way of stripping away the emotions and guilt and taking a more critical view of whether it makes sense to invest any more energy into the marriage.

 

I Am Stuck In a Bad and Loveless Marriage

Today we are going to hear from Steffy who is going through a tough time.  Sometimes I encourage women to write down their story because it can help heal their heart and soul.

In some cases, these brave women are willing to share their story (i.e. with a few name changes) if they believe it will help other women.  Such is the case with this young woman.

So in this post, Steffy will tell us about her present situation.  Essentially she says she is stuck in a bad and loveless marriage and regretfully, it appears to be showing some signs of being a toxic marriage, meaning that it is getting worse over time.

It is never easy for anyone when they feel compelled to leave a bad marriage.  How to get out of a bad marriage with a child is even more challenging.  Fortunately in Steffy’s case, they have no children.  But the issue of having children did play a central role in the decline of her marriage.

There are many women in situations similar to what Steffy experienced. Most want to know if there is some way to know for sure if their marriage is doomed.

stuck in a bad relationship

Truth be told, there is really no reliable bad marriage test that you can take which will tell you whether you should keep soldiering ahead.

I realize that when you feel like you are stuck, the sense of futility can be overwhelming.  It doesn’t make matters any easier if you are struggling with how to get out of a bad marriage and you have little money in your bank account.  This was yet another issue Steffy was dealing with.

For some women,  there comes a point in which the realities of an unhealthy relationship will overtake any remaining desire to make it work.

Such was the case with my client, Steffy.

My Marriage Is Not Working Out

So if you are like Steffy, feeling trapped in a marriage because you feel like your options are closed, just know that the road ahead does not have to be bleak.

It may feel like you cannot survive another day longer.  But it always seems darkest before the dawn. If you are facing such a dilemma, then you want to listen up and see what you can learn from this woman’s plight and what she did to turn her attitude and situation around.

Trapped in a Loveless Marriage

feeling trapped and boxed in

Here is Steffy story…

I never thought my marriage  would take me to a place where it felt like my back was up against the wall.  I realize now there are several things I needed to face up to.  That there are a lot of things I have been in denial over.

I have decided that I will be leaving a bad marriage. It took me awhile to find the courage. To say that I am in stuck in a bad marriage really does not capture what has happened.  It is much more complicated.

The truth is it has not been all bad.  But right now, neither I or my husband are happy.   I knew I wasn’t getting what I needed from my marriage. When I started seeing signs of an unhappily married man a few months ago, I sensed the end was near because I had already reached that point long before that.

When I first started having doubts about whether this marriage would work, I thought it was just me.  My husband was always so gun ho about getting married and do all the things couples do.  He wanted kids right away.  I didn’t. I wanted to wait.   Later I realized we were not that compatible on a lot of other issues.  I should have figured all this out before I agreed to marry him.

I have to confess, I did a lot of wrong things.  I could have handled my problems a whole lot better.  When I got to a point where I was often feeling trapped, all I could think about was how to get out of this bad marriage as fast as possible.

I know now that not being able to control some of my immature and impulsive thoughts made things worse between us.  I made bad decisions, before and during our relationship.  So it wasn’t all him.

Struggling With a Loveless Relationship

I guess I need to give you some details of what went wrong with us and why I am so unhappy in my marriage.

We have been having problems for over a year.  I was young, just 19 when we met and we were married a year later.  My husband is a few years older.  So I guess we were younger than most when we got married.

We dated off and on for about a year and I confess that I was hesitant about getting married in the first place.  He wanted us to get married and I guess I wanted to please him.  He pursued me aggressively. I liked the attention.  But it wasn’t just that.

chasing after his woman

Admittedly, I was a little jealous of some of my older girlfriends who were planning weddings.  I didn’t have a lot of experience with boys and really only had one other serious relationship.

So I guess my background for being ready for a marriage wasn’t so good.  But we had a long run (for us) of dating without breaking things off and I guess all the wedding talk from my girlfriends went to my head.  I didn’t want to be left behind.

So  I did it.  Looking back now,  I know it was a mistake.  Neither of were really ready.  I was my husband first serious girlfriend and one of his faults is he can be stubborn, even obsessive.  I guess that had a lot to do with it.  He kept pursuing me and building me up and I thought “what could go wrong”. He seemed so determined to make me happy, so I thought.

For men, I think they like to chase.  I fell for it and soaked up all the attention. I saw all of the good and didn’t bother looking at where we didn’t match up so well.  I know now to make sure that if I am going to settle down with someone it is best to have similar values and plans on starting a family.

Getting Married For All The Wrong Reasons

rushing into marriage

I know what I did was so stupid.  Getting married for all the wrong reasons was a bad mistake.  But we did it and the problems began pretty quickly. The marriage buzz wore off in no time.

We had not lived together for any significant period of time.  I was still with my parents prior to the marriage.  He had his own apartment and I would stay over some nights.  But it wasn’t like for any extended time. Maybe if we had lived together for a while it would be a different story.  A better one.

So we knew each other, but we didn’t really know each other like we should have.  I knew he was stubborn about things.  He has a lot of conservative views.  I am the opposite.  He knew I was independent.  But I never imagined he would be controlling to the extent he was.  I soon realize I wasn’t ready to settle down.

He wanted to start having kids and I wanted nothing to do with that.  There would be fights about stupid things and we both dug in our heels and that just made things more contentious.

He kept criticizing and harping on about different things I didn’t agree with (politics, starting a family, my friends).  So it got rocky early on.  It was like he finally got me to agree to marry him, then expected I would lay down to all his views.  I am not that way and when I resisted doing things his way he would get angry with me.

just get me away from him

We had some dust ups where I walked out on him for a day or two.  But I came back after I cooled off.  We would make up and say stuff about trying again, but neither of us changed much.  So the feeling of being trapped and restricted really never went away for me.

I hate to say this, but I am not sure I love him like a wife should.  If there are some loveless marriage signs, I guess the first one was when I would catch myself fantasizing about being with someone else.

I am kind of a flirt and have always been one, but not really overt.  I just like to have fun and I guess I like the attention from other men. So that part of my personality created problems.

So I would be flirting in whatever situation it might be and my husband would catch me in the act and would get upset and we would have a big blow up.  I now know it was probably something inside me trying to get out.  I think secretly, I wanted out of my marriage.  Deep down, I knew I married to soon and didn’t love my husband.  I mean, I do love him in some ways.  But it’s not complete and I know that is not enough.

Early on in our marriage, I was a student in college and my husband was working.  While at college I met someone else.  As problems with my husband mounted, I began having feelings for this other man.

It started innocently.  I can really say that.  He was a good friend and helped me cope with some of my personal problems.  So I guess it went from an emotional affair to real one.  It went on for about 9 months.  It ended because he wanted me to leave my husband and I wasn’t ready for that yet.

During this time, things got kind of messy and while my husband never found out, I know the emotional baggage from the affair affected my marriage.

Later I decided to drop out of college, partly to get away from this other man, but also I wanted some financial independence.   I figured getting a job would solve that.  I felt so trapped between two men.  If there is such a thing as loveless relationship signs, I was experiencing them.  All I could think about was getting out of the marriage.  I would start fights.  I did things to drive him away.

I was doubting if I loved either of the two men I had a relationship with.  I was unhappy much of the time.  I was making impulsive decisions.  I can see that now as I look back at what unfolded.

Eventually I found some work in digital advertizing and it actually seemed to help my marriage.  I liked what I was doing.  I could work from the office and at home and make sales calls.   I wasn’t around the house as much moping around and my husband seemed to start to accept that I was going to have my own life.

Stuck in a Sexless Marriage

no more sex in our marriage

We decided to move out of the apartment and rent a house which I think also kinda helped because I could have my work space and it just give us more room.  When you are cooped up in a small apartment, living with someone you are not sure you want to be with,  it just magnifies the problems.

But after a six months I was laid off.   I think that was the beginning of the end.  I started feeling trapped again and he started blaming me for some of the new financial issues we were experiencing.  I think he was really still upset with me about all of the things we don’t agree on.  He was always trying to debate me, trying to change my mind about all sorts of things.  I don’t like being told what to think. So I believe I was carrying a lot of resentment and so was he.

Things just got cold between us from there.  I started withholding sex not because I wanted to hurt him, but because I just wasn’t attracted to him anymore and didn’t feel close.

He would make me feel uncomfortable because almost every time he would start talking about starting up a family and introduce that whole line of discussion.  It was a turn off and I resented him trying to wedge that topic into our sex life.

When I was finally sure I wanted to end the marriage, my focus turned to how I should do it.  I felt my life had taken an awful turn to how to survive a loveless sexless marriage and I didn’t want to live that life.

I also knew things were not going so well in my husband’s mind at this point.  He knew I was pulling away and the more he felt it, the more he tried to pull me back in.

The emotional effects of a sexless marriage were getting to him.  Maybe I should feel ashamed, but I was glad for it.  Because I wanted him to arrive at the same place I was.  I didn’t want the marriage to rock along for years with neither of us happy.

When I lost my job, it brought more financial pressure to bear on us both, but particularly for me because I was already fixed on getting out.

But how could I if I did not have any financial independence.  Staying in a loveless marriage for financial reasons was so much against everything I stood for.  So I think these two forces collided.  Me wanting out of the marriage and feeling trapped by my lack of money.  I didn’t want to go back to my parents and ask for help.

Thinking about all of this was just making me crazy and as you can imagine, it made life with my husband unbearable.  Not because he was so mean to me, but I was in a bad place in my head.

The volatile side of my personality would emerge and I would say insensitive things and act out to the extent that my husband would fight back.  After living like this for months, it left us sometimes hating each other.

There Is No Room For Hate In a Relationship

carve the hate out of your marriage

I know it’s not right to hate your husband.  He doesn’t deserve that and I know now that while we have serious compatibility issues, he is not a hateful person himself and doesn’t deserve to be hated.

I decided it was time to be open with my feelings.  I knew it would be painful, but it was my truth and I had held it in for far too long.

I told him I didn’t feel for him as I use to, that I didn’t love him like I once did.  I asked him why would a man stay in a loveless marriage.  He agreed that is how we have been living for many months.  Showing and giving little love.

But true to form, he would argue about how we can find each other again and just needed more time.  It just made me sick to hear that because it showed me he wasn’t listening.  So our conversation ended up being a big stalemate.

I was hoping we could discuss separation in a serious way, but he just wasn’t listening. He acted like I wasn’t even there and the only thing that mattered was what he thought.

What should a husband do in a sexless marriage, I would ask myself.  You would think he would be unhappy and agree that a sexless marriage can lead to divorce.

But my husband would cling to fanatical notions that it all happened for a reason.  He would argue that a little depression in our lives was a small price to pay and we would learn to love again.

He is real religious.  I told him he was wrong.  That the dangers of a sexless, loveless marriage is that the couple comes to hate each other.

I told him I didn’t want that. I told him again I didn’t want to be with him and that a sexless relationship causing depression was far from the worst of our problems.

I could see that getting him to agree to a breakup wasn’t going to happen in any way that was mutually acceptable. I guess it never does.

The feeling of being stuck in a loveless marriage was just too much for me.  So a few weeks later after that last heart to heart with my husband, I sought some counsel on what to do.

I knew I wanted out.  I was desperate to leave but I didn’t want to return to living with my parents.  For some reason I thought I needed his permission to seek a separation and divorce.

Of course I was wrong about that and Chris told me that I was free to break off things with my husband if I so wished.  He talked about how I may want to consider a trial separation.  That would allow me and my husband time to get use to the idea of living apart and potentially seeking a legal divorce.  He explained I was over thinking it all, trying to solve everything at one time and that I should take things on in smaller chunks.

So he advised that if I felt so strongly about leaving my husband, then I should not rule out staying with my parents or a close friend for a while.  He told me if I was talented enough to get a job in digital advertising and if I have a solid job history (which I do), then I would land on my feet and find something suitable.

Chris kept taking about doing things in small steps.  The first step was moving out and telling my husband that I needed time to heal and get in touch with what I really wanted in my life.

He explained that putting distance between me and my husband would benefit us both, allowing us to see things more clearly.  He thought my husband would resist the idea, but would adapt and accept what I was doing.

Chris told me that if there was a special bond between me and my husband, it would become apparent while we were apart.  But since he was advising me, he said he was more concerned with my welfare and that he believed me wholeheartedly when I told him at was at my wit’s end and needed to escape.

So it’s been about six weeks that I have been living apart from my husband.  The first few weeks were a bit confusing, but I found myself.  I know I am feeling happier now.

My confidence and sanity is much better since I  have been on my own.  I am living with a girlfriend and she has been wonderful. We don’t see each other much during the week, so it feels like I have the place to myself much of the time.

She is girl of course, but just living with someone other than my husband helped showed me the difference in what it’s like with being with different people.  She is one of these really super positive people, filled with enthusiasm for life. So it has been a nice counterpoint to what I have been living through.

I have renewed hope that everything is going to turn out fine.  My husband called me way too much and texted me way too much in the first few weeks of us being separated.

But Chris warned me of that and I was better prepared emotionally.  He told me I should practice a limited contact approach when it came to communications with him and that is what I have been doing.  My husband is starting to cool off now and accept that things did not work out and may never work out.

I am just glad to be where I am emotionally and location wise.  Chris encouraged me to keep my focus on me and my healing and make it a goal to get multiple interviews for work.   He convinced me early on that it was all going to work out.  That lifted my spirits. He doesn’t have to do that anymore because it is working out.  I am still young and will learn from my mistakes.

 

 

How Do I Make Him Stop Being Distant and Mad At Me

Does your husband act cold and distant?

Is he short of temper or irritable?

Does he act like he is pulling away, paying less attention to you?

What is causing your husband to be this way?

How do you stop him from being distant and acting like he is mad at you?

We are going to talk about all of these questions and more as we try to get to the bottom of what might be going on with your husband.

feeling apart from your husband

First of all, is it true men often become distant later after they fall in love?

You would think that love would bring out the best in your guy. What is it that causes a man to sometimes withdraw his affections?

Or is it just a big myth?

In other words, perhaps men come in all types and sometimes you may just latch on to one that retreats into himself more often than not.

My Man Is Pulling Back

Perhaps your husband possesses an insecure attachment style.  Some men are not mature enough yet or equipped psychologically to be close to a woman for the long haul.

Could it be that your husband has some emotional hangups.

Yes, that could be the problem which is driving his behavior.

Or then again, it may not be that at all.

You see, your husband, just like most other guys, is a pretty complex creature.  So knowing for sure what might be going on in his head is not always such an easy thing to figure out.

I have spoken with quite a few women who told me their husbands or boyfriends seemed perfectly happy in the beginning of the relationship, but then something happens along the way.

Where does it go wrong?

How does it happen?

Did you have anything to do with it?

All fair questions and guess what….we are going to delve into some of the mysteries.

The Effects of Your Husband Shutting You Out of His Life?

when you feel shut out of boyfriend's life

When a guy starts acting differently your first reaction is usually to try to get him to open up.

Of course this can sometimes backfire as your husband or boyfriend starts to pull into himself even more.  On one hand you are thinking, “OK, he is acting distant, how do I bring him back”.   

You are  thinking what should you do when your man starts shutting you out.  One one hand, you know he loves you.  But when your husband puts emotional distance between you and he it can be confusing.

Your husband or boyfriend’s reclusive behavior can come on quickly and that can also make it frustrating.

You know he is putting space between the two of you.  And it can come out of nowhere.  But he may not want to talk about it.  Or he may say nothing is wrong and make it out like it is all in your mind.  Which in turns can drive you mad because you know in your heart he is acting different.

Why Is He Acting So Strange

So a distant spouse who is in denial can ratchet up you own anger.  Which in turn can make the whole situation worse as you can lose it and demand to know what is wrong.

His behavior can also be confusing and can cause you to turn inward.  You might start to wonder if you have done something wrong.   If he won’t talk about it, you end up feeling worse as your mind labors over what brought all of this on.

Before long, you can start to spiral.  You might start to pull away from your husband as you mirror his behavior.

What a mess it is when a guy just decides he is going to shut down his feelings.

So why do men sometimes withdraw from you when all that you are doing is being yourself?

What is in a man’s DNA to just curl up into themselves and push you away when you are only trying to be a good wife.

And when they start acting this way, what does it usually look like?

What signs should you look for?

Signs That Your Husband or Boyfriend Is Withdrawing From You

he pushes me away

When your husband or boyfriend decides he wants to shut you out it can be for any number of reasons and the way he does it can take on many different forms.

Let’s talk about the signs he gives off that reveals something is not quite right.

One of the first signs is when your husband acts like something is on his mind, that something is bothering him, but denies it.

It is clear by the way he is behaving that he is wrestling with some problem.  He is preoccupied with some issue.  But he may still insist nothing is wrong and may even get more upset when you start probing.

So denial and defensiveness are two signs that usually point to something that is off kilter.

Now, one should not jump to quickly to conclusions just because your husband is cranky and doesn’t want to be bothered.

He could be just having a bad day.  He may not be feeling well.  He could be simply annoyed at someone or something and is trying to hold it in.

All sorts of things can happen to cause anyone of us to feel the need to withdraw into ourselves for a little while.

The concern is when your husband or boyfriend seems distracted or reserved for long periods of time.  If a few days go by and he doesn’t seem to snap out of it, then it is likely there is something that needs to get out in the open.

So in that respect, the amount of time that elapses in which your husband pushes you away is usually a tell-tale sign.

You might notice that he starts spending more time alone.  When you approach him to encourage him to go do something with you, he may mumble something to the contrary or worse, snap at you and tell you to leave him alone.

Or on the flip side of the coin, your husband may start planning and scheduling events or activities without your involvement and participation.  He may start spending more time with his friends or colleagues to put distance between he and you.

The bottom line is that you feel cut off from him and he doesn’t seem to care or pretends that nothing is wrong and denies any assertions by you that he is absent from your life.

Your husband’s pullback on affection is another sign that something is off.

He may have often given you little spontaneous hugs. Now it seems like your husband hardly ever wants to initiate any simple gestures of affection.

Or there may have been a time when your husband would look into your eyes and whisper something sweet or give you a quick peck on the cheek as he leaves the house.  But perhaps those types of loving gestures have gone by the wayside.

Your husband may give off this cold demeanor.  He may seem unapproachable.  It may feel like he is steering clear of you as if he doesn’t want to be near you.  It may be very subtle, but you might pick up the vibe that your husband is avoiding you.

Often, problems with a distant spouse shows up in the bedroom.  Maybe in the past the two of you would crawl into bed together and talk for a spell and lovingly hold each other.   But a distant husband will usually have none of that.  He will more often come to bed later, long after you are asleep.

Your relationship may feel like it has turned into a frosty marriage.  He may initiate sex less often or when you suggest making love, he may find ways and reasons to avoid having sex with you, offering a litany of excuses.

If your husband  is giving off signs that he is distant and is acting cold, it may also be revealed in other types of avoidance behaviors.

He might not want to talk to you as much and when you bring up important issues to discuss, he puts them off.

Your husband may also spend more time at work to create physical distance between you and he.

Or he may declare that he needs to go on a trip (without you) to take care of some matter (personal or business).

This sort of escapism may happen more regularly as time goes by.

Did You Do Something Wrong To Make Him Pull Away From You

are you feeling boxed out by your husband

Before we get too much deeper into this discussion, let’s put some things into perspective.

Usually when a husband starts to pull away, it suggest something is wrong.  But it doesn’t necessarily mean you have done something wrong.

Just because he is acting like he doesn’t want to be bothered by you and it feels like he is constantly finding ways to push you away, one should not jump to the worst of conclusions.

Don’t assume he no longer finds you attractive and is having an affair.  That may not be the case at all.

You shouldn’t assume that he is angry with you or that you have done something wrong.

It could be that what is bothering your husband is something that he is internalizing and has little or nothing to do with you.

There could be a work problem that he is struggling with and he has withdrawn into himself trying to solve the problem, turning it over and over in his mind.

It could be a personal related problem, something that your husband is worried about.  Perhaps he is obsessing over it to the extent that he is distracted.

So while it may feel like your husband is acting distant and shutting you out, the reality could be that he is not harboring any negative thoughts toward you; rather he is just wrestling with some problem he has yet to resolve.

Your Husband May Be Retreating To His Safe Place

retreating to a safe place

Your husband is vulnerable to anxieties and worries, even depression, just like everyone else.  And if any of those things occupy a large enough space in his mind, it can give off the appearance that his is pushing you away and out of his life.  When in reality, he is struggling with his emotional issues.

Men have a way of retreating and retiring into themselves when they are plagued with acute worries and concerns.  Instead of reaching out to you, his wife, for love and support, your husband may temporarily find more comfort in his man cave.

Many men don’t want to admit to a weakness.  They don’t want to be seen through your eyes as vulnerable.  So they sometimes avoid asking for help.

Your husband’s man cave is a familiar place for him to retreat in order to work things out.  Maybe his mood has shifted and he just wants to be alone and needs time to think about things or decompress.  Maybe he is working on a project and needs time and space.

When your husband goes into his man cave, wherever that might be for him, you can misread it as him shutting you out of his life.  In a way, that is what he is doing, but men sometimes respond better in the long run when they answer the primal call of the wild.

If they are going to wage battle against some problem, some guys would rather go it alone.  So any effort by you to interfere with their instinct to conquer this problem by themselves is usually met with resistance.

It is possible that everything inside him is screaming to be left alone and not to be bothered.  So in order to escape, he will seek out a place he can go, either physically or emotionally, or both, and hunker down for a awhile.

Again, the catalyst that triggers these behaviors may have nothing to do with you.  But the outcome of his behavior can make you think you have done something wrong.  Hence, you begin to conclude that he is acting distant and cold because of something you have done to upset him.

But that could be far from the truth.

It could be simply that the beast in your husband has arisen and he needs time to tame it and come back to being himself.

So give your husband some time before you arrive at any lasting conclusions.

Sometimes it is best to just let your husband go through this period and work it out and unwind.

If it turns out to be something so serious that requires your attention or assistance from others, that will become more clear later.

What If My Husband Always Seems Mad At Me?

angry and wants to be left alone

I often get clients reaching out to me asking, “what should I do if my husband is mad at me?”.  Or they will exclaim, “my boyfriend is mad at me, how do I fix it?”.

When it seems your husband has slowly become more distant in his responses to you or behaves in a cold or even angry manner, the natural reaction is to understand why.

Why is he acting this way and treating you different?

You want to know what you can do about it because nothing is more upsetting than not knowing why your husband is acting like he would rather not be around you.

When you pick up those kinds of cues from your husband, it is hard not to feel rejected and hurt inside.

So what is driving your husband to withdraw into himself?

Let’s hear from some of my clients that went through some struggles with their own husband or boyfriend and how it shaped their lives in that moment.

Hey Chris.  What should I do when my boyfriend is mad at me and won’t talk to me.  I am not even sure what I have done.  I asked him about it and he says its nothing, but I can’t get past the unmistakable feeling that he purposely putting up a wall between us.  He won’t let me get close to what is going on with him.  When a guy seems mad and testy and ignores you should you confront him?

I think my husband is mad at me.  I am at work now. What should I text him to change his attitude?  I don’t want to go him with him like this.  He denied anything was wrong but I know him and he has been giving me the cold shoulder.  What should I text him to break through his attitude?  Is there something I should say when I see him mad like this?  I just want my husband to stop being angry.  How can I make happy.

We have been together six years and he is not usually this way.  Something is definitely off.  He is drifting. He acts like he wants to get away.  He usually is very attentive and caring, but lately he has been strident.  Why is my boyfriend so mean, saying ugly things.  I can’t get past the fact that he says we are getting too old as a couple.  What does that mean?  When my boyfriend says mean things to me for no reason, I can’t help but think he wants it over.  It like happened overnight.   I think he is acting out so maybe he is going through a phase.  He is shutting me out of everything.  I am really desperate for some advice. Can you help?

It can make one feel helpless if your husband or boyfriend starts showing signs of wanting to back out of the marriage or relationship.

Over time, you get accustomed to a certain amount of closeness.  You come to value those moments where you feel close and connected to your husband.  Then either suddenly or over a brief period of time, that closeness and connectedness subsides.

Something stands in the way.  Whatever it is, you want it to stop. But to stop it, to get things back to what they were like before, you need to know the trigger.

Is your husband or boyfriend behaving this way because of something you have done?

Is you man harboring some deep, dark secret?

Is his pulling away from you because of a personal issue that he wishes to tell you, but can’t?

Is he essentially just going through a bad mood period and simply needs some time to snap out of it?

Whatever it is, there is a way to get to the bottom of it, sooner or later.

What Do I Do If My Husband Acts Distant and Mad At Me

come up wiht a plan

To get to a place in which your husband will open up about what is triggering his distant behavior, it may be wise to follow a three prong strategy.

1. Begin First With Giving Your Husband Some Room:  Give your man some space.  You may notice something is off and that he seems to be withholding his affection.  There may be a certain chill in the air.  Maybe it is your imagination.  Maybe it a mood state he has fallen into and really does not amount to anything important. Or maybe it is something you need to know about.  Perhaps you can help him.

Whatever it is though, it may be wise to first pull back.  Probing too fast and too much can cause him to act more distant and pull away even more.  Give him a chance to work through whatever it is that is causing him to act distant.  He may resolve it on his own.  He may actually come to you to talk about it.  But the less pressure you put on him, the better.  At least, initially, this is probably your best strategy in the beginning.

2. Offer Soft Support, Then Pull Back:  So let’s say that you tried step one.  Let’s assume that a couple of days have gone by and your husband has not shown a willingness to open up and tell you why he is acting different.  Deep inside, you sense something is wrong.  He is not normally not testy like this.  Nor does he normally shut you out of his life.  Since the problem has not resolved itself, it is time to take things to the next level.  I would recommend a small intervention might be useful.  Sometimes “less is more”.

So in this situation, you could simply state the obvious in a non threatening or defensive manner.  You could say something like, “Honey, clearly something is on your mind.  You seem short with me and distant.  Is there something I can do to help?”   Then after breaking your silence on this subject of his mood, you should pull back again.  Wait for his response.  Maybe he opens up and tells you what is going on in his ticker.  Or maybe he doesn’t.  He might just act like nothing is really wrong.  He might get annoyed and upset.  Whatever his reaction, don’t get drawn into a debate of what is going on.  You have spoken the truth as you observe it.  By underscoring or defending your words, you open up avenues for your husband to be combative or play the denial game.

Of course, it is possible that he might just tell you what is bothering him, which would be an important step going forward. He might just take you up on your offer of support. After all, that is what husband wives are supposed to do for each other.  But if he doesn’t give you an explanation on why he is acting distant or uptight, that’s fine too.  This is not a race to the truth.  If you push too hard, it may have the opposite effect.  Just remember to remain calm and proceed with the understanding that you have handled the situation in a supportive and in an adult way.

You may think that you have accomplished nothing if your husband does not make an effort to explain his behavior, but that would not be true.  Your words will echo in his conscience and subconscious mind, causing him to re-evaluate how and when he needs to talk to you about the matter.  This pause in taking any further action also allows you to re-evaluate your husband’s mood and behavior.

3. Be More Direct In Your Inquiry and State You Are Very Concerned:  If Steps 1 and 2 fail, you may need to make a more direct intervention.  If your husband has been acting fussy and distant for quite some time, then whatever is going on needs to come out in the open because the relationship will suffer if this kind of behavior goes unchecked.  Using as few words as possible, it is time to make a proclamation of sorts.  It shouldn’t come off as an accusation or emotional.  Your tone should suggest empathy and concern.

What you will be doing now is telling your husband your are very concerned with his recent behavior.  You can express that is time to talk about what is going on as he has been acting  differently.  Then stop talking.  Allow silence to be the crowbar that opens him up to telling you what might be going on.  Sometimes this approach works.

But sometimes, your husband will keep acting like nothing is wrong, that everything is hunky dory.  Or he might get angry and snarl at you.  If your husband is truly hiding something and is refusing to talk about it, a common reaction is to snap off something ugly.  He may try to turn the whole issue around on you, making it out like you are the problem.  That you are imagining the whole thing.   If this is the outcome, your best response is to say nothing.  Don’t take his bait and get into a fight.  Let him unwind.   That might be the best thing for him. Sometimes this approach has the effect of diffusing his anger and reluctance to talk.  Later he might just let it all out.

Of course, whatever you do….whatever approaches you employ to try to get underneath why your husband is acting more distant ….there is no guarantee these strategies will work to open him up.

You can try to talk about it.  You can seek couples counseling.  You can just do nothing and hope for the best.  None of these approaches will necessarily get the result you want.  But try you must.

I suppose, as a very last resort, if you have tried everything and are quite sure you are not imagining any of this and his behavior and mood seems to have worsened, you can impose a brief separation period.

Stepping away for a few days or longer can sometimes jolt a husband back to the reality that there is a serious problem within the marriage and it needs to be discussed in a constructive and supportive manner.

In the final analysis,  in almost all these cases, time is on your side.  Eventually, the truth will come out.

My Husband Is a Monster So I Kicked Him Out

Today we are going to hear from Alicia.  Her story of the man she met and married, then ultimately kicked out of her house warrants a retelling.  Alicia was kind enough to share her story with us.

Without further adieu….here is Alicia’s story in her own words.

Chris asked me to tell my story as it could help some women realize they are not alone if they married badly and that they can stand up for themselves and that in the end it can get better if they move past the pain.

moving past a bad marriage

I have been fed up with my husband for some time now.

The guy I am married to (we are apart and are getting a divorce) no longer resembles the man I first met.  My husband has turned into a monster and I am afraid to live with him a second longer.

Truth be told, he always had a bit of monster inside him.  I was just foolish and looked the other way, making excuses for him or taking his side, when in reality he was dead wrong about a lot of things.

Men who mistreat their wives make you cling to fear.

Bad Guys Are Not For You

Not that I feared that he would do something really evil to me.  It’s just that I  see now that I married a really bad guy.  He is not marriage material.  He is just all about himself.  I hope that no other woman has to put up with him and all of his games and antics.

Did I kick him out because he treats me like dirt?  Yes, that’s part of it.

Is it all over between us?  Let me tell you our story and you decide if I chose wisely.

For some time, I really had a hard time making up my mind.  Our marriage was always an up and down affair.  I accept my mistakes in making our problems worse.  But my role in the unwinding of this marriage is small compared to my husband’s antic and cruelty.

Now you might be wondering why I wouldn’t have known what he was really like at the core when I was going with him.  You may be thinking how could I get mixed up with such rotten man.  After all, if he is a monster now, why didn’t I see all his shortcomings back when we were dating.

I ask myself that question all the time too.

Why Didn’t You See He Was A Bad Choice

No matter how many times I run it through my head, I don’t think the worst of his damaging antics and bad manners was something I could have seen coming.

It’s like he felt a sense of entitlement once we got married.  My husband seemed to think he could just do everything his way, without any consideration of what I wanted or my needs.

I know a lot of people think,  “who in their right mind would be attracted to such a lousy man”.   But some guys are good at hiding their faults and I do confess that I was seeing things I wanted to see and ignoring some of the obvious signs.

busted marriage gone bad

That’s on me and I have learned to be more attentive and selective and think more with my mind.

Knowing what I know now, I think he has some hang ups with women and wanting to control everything.  I can’t live that way, so we clashed.  But sex would be our way of making up.  I see now how I got wrapped up into a bad pattern.

Our sex life was really good and all of the excitement carried us in those early days.  But the real truth of who we are emerges eventually. That’s when I came to see his  selfishness and core meanness.

Learning To Leave

I am convinced of all this now, but back then (two years ago) I was not seeing it.  It took that long for his true self to emerge and for me to realize that I had married a monster man, intent on making me his punching bag.

He really didn’t hit me, though when he would throw a fit and start  screaming he would hulk around acting like he wanted to do tear up things.  He would throw stuff and smashing things and scream at me.

He was possessive about so many things.  I felt like  I couldn’t breath sometimes. My husband would fly into jealous rages over nothing.  I wanted to just escape, get away.  I would literally just cover myself up to hide.

I wanted to curl up and hide

Other times, when it was all happening, I would freak out and not know quite what to do.  I thought maybe I had triggered all of this bad mess.  I would question whether I had done something wrong.

But now I know it wasn’t me.  It was him.  He is the one with the problems. I understand now that he was the bad husband.  I was the good wife, just trying to please and cope.  It’s not right when your husband won’t let you have your own personal life while married.

I see now that his manic and controlling  behavior emerges from his personal hangups.  I am so glad now to be out from under him.

It took a while, but I have learned to accept that I made a huge mistake falling for him, getting mixed up with him and advancing the relationship.  But I think that is really all  I did wrong.

I tried my best to make an awful relationship work and I know I stayed in it far too long, taking on his attacks and abusive outbursts.  I will carry a lot pain because of that choice, but I have learned that if I can survive that, I can get through just about anything.

He was a terrible husband.  My husband thought he had broken my spirit.  but that is not true.  I am woman strong.   I admit I went through a period in which I carried a lot of resentment for my husband. I think that was the number one reason why I was so angry at my husband all the time.  Even when we separated, I still had a lot of anger in me about what he put me through.

There would be some days in which he just would go on a slow burn and play like he was the victim.  He would talk to me like I wasn’t there, like I was a stranger.

He would say things like, “my wife gets angry at me for no reason.”  The way he acted, it might come off like I am always mad at my husband. He would whine to anyone who would listen about his troubles and ask them…. why is my wife always irritated with me…… like they really know what is going on.

He would put on an at like he is reaching out to me and will be loving.  But when I got pulled in, he would turn on me.

my boyfriend reaching out to me

He was that way.  He would play innocent, like he was the victim.  That was one game he played.  There was no honesty in our marriage.

I know all of this effected me and I started having anger issues.

The truth is even now, memories of my husband makes me so angry I want to hit him.  But I have learned to channel that into something positive.

I guess that is why I kicked him out because it was getting to me back then.  I was throwing things and freaking out.  I would later replay my behavior and get upset with myself because I am not that kind of girl.   But I wasn’t going to put up with his crap.

What should I do I would often wonder.

It was different when I was younger with him. Earlier in the marriage, when he treated me badly, but I wasn’t thinking of leaving him, I would feel sorry for myself.

I made up excuses. I would tell my girlfriends my  husband treats me bad, but I still love him.  They thought I was an idiot and that he was abusive.  They were right, I was wrong, but it took me time to get out from under his spell.

When someone you love treats you badly in a relationship you don’t quite see it all at the time.  You don’t ask the right questions of yourself, like “why does he treat me so bad – why doesn’t he love me in the way he should?”

You want to believe he will change.  That he won’t act like a monster and turn cruel and say demeaning things when things don’t go his way.

When your husband tells you over and over you are wrong about everything and breaks you down in lots of little ways, no matter how strong you think you are, it has an effect on you.

I guess I finally reached my limit.

I had been reading about creating distance and using the no contact rule with one’s husband if your marriage is unravelling.

That is what happened to us.   I now see that my husband is selfish, insecure, and a control freak.  He is also a cheater.  I caught him.  Of course he lied about it at first.  Then blamed me for it.

Did I kick my husband out for cheating?  Not entirely, but that was the final straw.

I am not going into details, but when it became clear to me what happened I told my husband to leave.  Did I think when I kicked my husband out that he would come back again some day?  Honestly, at first I held out hope.  But later I did want him coming back.

Its been several months now and I still don’ t want him back because I can’t see myself even trying again.

He is making some noises like he is sorry for what he did.  I think the reality is I married a coward.  Now that he has gone too far and blown up his marriage he thinks I might give him another chance.

But the truth is I have given him tons of chances.

Did I kick my husband out for drinking?  No.  Did I kick him out because he was often cruel and was a monster to me? No.  Did I kick out my cheating husband out for lying and being selfish. No.

I kicked him out for all these reasons.

We are separated now, but I have filed for divorce.  I am not taking him back.  I am moving on.  He tells everyone he walked out of my life.  But I don’t care, because I know the truth.  It doesn’t matter what my ex says because I know that is his way.  He cannot be wrong about anything in his mind.

Moving Past Your Past Hurts

lift up yourself

I knew I had to turn the corner.

He was out of my house and out of my life.  I wasn’t going through a No Contact with him because I was secretly hoping he might come crawling back.

I wanted a clean slate so I knew I had to throw myself into something.  My mind would go racing to often thinking about the past.  I would have weak moments sometimes and when he texted me and said nice things, I fell for it once.  He knew out to manipulate my feelings and draw me  back into his spell.

So I wasn’t perfect in how I handled him post separation.  But as I got better, I got stronger and more confident and felt a lot less vulnerable.

Three things saved me and got me started on a new life.

I would worry about if I could ever find someone else that I could love and that would be good to me. Sometimes I would obsess over it and get myself tied up in knots.

I don’t like being alone and want to share my life with someone else.  Foolishly, I thought my ex husband was going to be that man.  But I was younger when we got together.  I was naive to some extent.

I had a big heart and a lot of hope.  And some guys and this certainly includes my ex husband, can talk a good line and hide a lot of their faults.

My biggest mistake was rushing through the courtship phase of our relationship.  But that is behind me now.  So what I was thinking is how can I turn it all around.  I was in a miserable marriage married to a monster, but I needed to head for the light.  I wanted to put the past behind me.  I wanted to be happy.  Then I wanted to have some hope there might be someone out there for me.

So my plan was to keep it simple and do three things for me.  This is what Chris kept telling me.

Chris would also tell me that things come to you when you often are not seeking it out.

That is what ultimately happened to me on the man front.  But he would say I needed to get back to finding myself and become my best friend and do something to make myself proud.

The first of my three focus areas was starting up a quilt business with a friend.  I always wanted to be my own boss and that became a reality.  Since it takes a ton of time to do everything to be successful, it really kept me busy, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I am sure it  has been therapeutic for me.

The second thing that filled up my life was my devotion to bicycling.  When rage would fill me up about my past, I pedaled past it.  The daily exercise I got from that made me feel fit, look good, and gave me a lot of extra energy.  I would recommend it to anyone.

The last thing I focused on was going back to college to pick up some business and marketing classes.  It helped me and my friend run our business better and the routine of going to classes filled out my life.  I look forward to it every night.

That is where I met my new boyfriend without even looking for him.

It’s funny how things can turn out when you turn yourself away from the bad.

It’s hard to step away from a husband, even a bad one.  You get use to certain things and it’s hard to imagine a life that is different.  It’s like the weight of being with your husband, no matter how wrong he might be for you, can’t be budged.

Then things happen and you break off the marriage.  Then you find yourself again and do things to be proud of yourself.  Then someone else comes into your life.  All this happens and you look back and wonder what on earth was I thinking before.

Let me just tell you.  The bad spell you might be having with a bad husband can be broken.

It doesn’t take an earth shattering event to turn you life around.  You can do it in pieces and parts.

That is what I did.  I eventually made my husband leave.  I resisted the temptation to be pulled back into his web.  Then I began to rebuild.

Here I am now, a much a happier, more complete person.

 

 

 

When Should I Start Dating Again After a Breakup or Divorce

It is really tough to have to deal with all the aftermath following a bitter separation or breakup with a husband or wife (boyfriend or girlfriend).

As things unfold and the marriage unravels, it can be equally challenging to recover from the rough and tumble actions that occurred during the divorce process with your ex husband or ex-wife.

dating again after breakup

And when it is finally all over (or so you think) these  painful memories have a way of sticking around, mixing in with the good recollections and coloring your perspective of what is was like with your husband or wife.

This can create a state of listlessness, depression, and uncertainty as to how to move forward in your life.

But you know in your heart you want your life to go forward.  So this raises the practical question of when you should start dating again after you have broken up with your ex.

Should your start dating again after the separation?

Should you wait until the divorce is final?

That is what Bessie wanted to know when she asked me, “Chris, we are officially separated and I think I want to date again, should I?

I Want To Move Forward

It seems such an innocent question.

Certainly the answer should be clear and straightforward.

But this whole matter of how to proceed with resuming your life and what that really means regarding your dating habits is vastly more complicated than most people realize.

Dating During the After Breakup (or Separation) Period

planning an outing out

It helps to have perspective.

In the midst of these internal deliberations about dating, you are still likely facing other post breakup or post divorce challenges.  It’s difficult to manage all of your complex emotions and the unique pressures when love has gone south and you and your ex are split apart.

Being coupled with another human being makes most of us feel whole.  Take that away and it will feel like something is now missing in your life.

How do you become whole again after a part of your heart and soul has been ripped away.

For sake of sparing all of the extra personal pronouns, let’s assume we are talking about a women’s journey after her breakup with a husband or boyfriend.

Don’t be surprised if  you feel lost or if your mind becomes trapped in uncertainty.

Don’t be surprised if you feel yourself wandering back (in your mind) to the old relationship, running through all the things that happened.

There will likely be many things you will try to grapple with.  Part of the reason for this kind of thinking is that what you went through was traumatic.

To a large extent,  recalling your struggles with your ex husband can be difficult to avoid.  You might also struggle with who you really are and what you should do with yourself.

So it is never easy to leave behind the pain of a failed marriage or relationship.  With things ending on sour note, as is the case for most, there comes all kinds of challenges as you try to cope with unpredictable moods and expectations of the future.

Facing An Uncertain Future

So something has to change if you find yourself immersed in all of these kinds of negative thoughts.  To be made whole again, something needs to change with the way you view yourself and the world around you.

It wouldn’t be surprising if you have a healthy dose of distrust for men in general, particularly if you have gone through a very difficult separation or breakup.

So what kind of change are we talking about?

Part of that change can revolve around when you will allow another man back in your life.

Like most women and men, you are probably wondering when you will be ready to date again.

You may be thinking if you will ever be ready to trust again.  The hardships you have suffered with your husband might still echo in your every memory.

A lot of women have asked me about this dilemma as to when to entertain another relationship.

They want to know more about how and when should they actively pursue a dating strategy.

So this post will be tailored to the ladies as I have already mentioned.

But don’t forget guys, if you are trying to bounce back after a breakup or divorce and are trying to figure out your next moves, you will find plenty of advice here for you too.

Turning The Corner on Love

falling in love again

The feelings you are probably still massaging about future love and overcoming past difficulties are no doubt complex.

Knowing when it is time to get back in the game….to put yourself out there realizing there will be risk…is an important consideration.  And the answer is not the same for all.

I am not going to beat around the bush.  If you have gone through an agonizingly difficult separation with your ex husband or ex boyfriend, the very thought of dating a man will likely be far from your present thoughts.

The reason is obvious.  You have come through a traumatic breakup and in your mind or perhaps lying inside your subconscious, men may very well represent the enemy.

It does sound awful because it is awful what you have gone through.  Splitting up with your husband or boyfriend of years is painful and tests you in so many ways.

Nevertheless, it is important not to let one man who hurt you and failed you, making you feel miserable.

Don’t become a victim of constant negative thoughts.   Your emotional mind, which has in part been injured from the breakup, will try to drag you through a period you just as soon as would like to forget.

Part of that is the chemicals speaking.  But part of it is under your control.

So it is best not to let your ex husband or boyfriend poison your view of all men.

There comes a time when you need to turn the corner and get back out there.

And that is the question, isn’t it?

When and how should you start dating again after a long relationship.  Because after all, you probably wouldn’t be trying to get answers about this topic unless you had been involved in a long term relationship that went wrong.

Dating A Man Again Can Be Scary

its scarey to date again

It can be frightening when all that we know in terms of dating is long in the past.

Giving another man a key to our heart can be scarey.

The very thought of how one should proceed can create anxiousness and uncertainty.

Should one go slow after a breakup?

After all, you have been through the ringer in dealing with all kinds of crap, right?  One part of you is thinking it would be folly to rush right back out there in any kind of serious way.

You sure don’t want to make the same mistakes you did before in not finding a guy who is more compatible with your needs, desires, and values.

But somewhere in the back of our mind there might exist this  little persistent thought that you will be alone the rest of your life.

It might start picking at you in such ways that part of you begins to believe it could come true.  You don’t want to face the rest of your life all by yourself, you say to yourself.

So what do some women do when facing such thoughts?

You pump yourself up.

You tell yourself that your ex husband was just a bad egg and certainly you can do better.

You look around and see all of the ways you can now connect with men.  Social media has made it much more possible for men and women to meet and get to know each other.

Sure, you say to yourself, there are some bad guys out there.  Some predators that are just looking for sex.  But you know in your heart that there must be some good men out there looking for the right woman for themselves.

And you wouldn’t be wrong if you thought that way.  Because just as there are some undesirable or poorly suited men out there chasing after a temporary catch; there are men who have the right goods to be a good match for what you need.

So should one get back on the saddle as quickly as possible and start dating immediately after a breakup?

Just how soon is too soon to start dating after you and your husband break it off?

Let’s hear from a few women that weighed in on this topic.  They too had similar questions.  As you will see, how they should proceed largely depends on their particular experience and needs.

Hey Chris!  Do have a guide-book on something like dating rules after a breakup.  You know, something that covers things like how long should you be single after a breakup. I just ended a bad relationship with a  messed up guy.  We talked about getting married and got close.  But he was too controlling and unreliable and that led to a lot of fights.  Its been about three weeks since we broke up.  I think I want to test the waters.  How long after a long-term relationship should you wait to date?

Is there a rule of thumb about how long to wait after a breakup to start getting to know some other men?  By the way, I really don’t know what the rules are for dating after going through a bad relationship.  Should I even think of how to date after divorce at 30.  One of my girlfriends told me dating after divorce at 40 is the sweet spot, but I am not really sure I can wait that long.

Hey, I just need a little dating advice after my divorce.  What you need to do Chris is write an article on dating rules after divorce for today’s woman.  So much has changed about how one can meet up with a man.  The last thing I want to do is start dating too soon after the divorce.  I am afraid I would blow up the whole thing because I am not sure I am ready for the whole dating scene.  I go back and forth on what I think I want.

As you can see, a lot of women are plagued with doubt on how to proceed. Depending on their situation, they may have been burned badly by their husband or boyfriend and they don’t want that feeling again.

So if you are a woman who is trying to bounce back from a failed marriage or are coming off a really bad breakup with your boyfriend and are seeking some advice on how you should proceed, let’s start first with how long you should wait before you put yourself out there again.

How Soon is too Soon To Start Dating After You Breakup With Your Husband

is it too soon to give away your heart

Some people think the sooner you start dating again, the better.

They argue that it’s like getting back on the horse that bucked you off.  If you hesitate or delay, they explain, it will only lead to avoidance and that leaves you lonely.

People who argue this point believe that women need to be with a man to be complete and they reason that the sooner you start dating other men, the faster you will realize realize that the guy you were married to was not the right man for you.

So with this kind of thinking, you would be encouraged to set up dates rather quickly after your breakup.  The more the better would be their preference because after all, how will you really get to know yourself and what the field of men are like out there.   This is how some people see it.

I don’t belive that.  In fact, I think that is terrible advice for most people. I take the opposite view.

Now, I am not arguing that you should go to the nearest convent and sign up.  I just think it is practical for most women who have suffered through a difficult relationship not to move too fast.

So if what I say is true, then how can you tell when you are moving too fast to get back into the dating game?

The Top 5 Signs You Are Dating To Soon

you still need time to heal up

  1. It’s only been three weeks since you separated with your husband and one of your girlfriends keeps egging you on to go out with her on a double date.  She says it will be great for you.  But you can help but think you are rolling the dice. Thoughts of being with a man makes you anxious.
  2. You hear that your husband, who you are separated from, is going out with one of your girlfriends.  You are furious.  To show him two can play at this game, you contact a mutual male friend to set up a date.  Now you are going to get even, you think.  But when all the game playing is done, you just feel more empty.
  3. You and your husband’s divorce finally came through.  You are feeling vulnerable and sad about it all.  You figure, the best way to change your mood is go out and have a few drinks with a male friend.  One thing leads to another and now you are in bed having sex with a guy you really don’t want to be with.
  4. All you can think about is teaching your ex a lesson.  You are filled with desire to set up a lot of dates and make sure he hears about every one of them.  Your revenge plan is to post a lot of suggestive things on Facebook, hoping your ex notices and regrets he ever let you go.  (Big mistake)
  5. You have no clue how to meet up with a man.  So you buy a book on how to pick up men.  It tells you one tactic is to put on some sexy clothes and visit a nearby bar and show some skin and shake you booty.  Later you go home, empty handed, drunk, and feeling miserable.  (Consider yourself lucky you didn’t pick up anyone.)

Go Slow With Dating After a Breakup or Divorce

learn to love your own company

So let’s talk about how you should start dating again after a long relationship such as you may have had with you ex husband or a long-term boyfriend.

There are many pitfalls in moving too fast.  Emotionally, you may not even be close to dealing with the whole dating scene.

So how long should you wait before you dip your toe into the waters?  A few weeks….a month…..a year?

The truth is that there is not a prescribed set amount of time that is right for everyone.  It will vary on many factors including how long your previous relationship lasted, the factors leading up to the breakup, your interpersonal style, and your specific personal needs.

You can’t imagine how often women will ask me when they should start-up dating again.  They will press me for a more specific timeline as if I have the ultimate answer.  There is really no such thing as the ultimate answer.  I tell them that, but women and men usually want some guidance.

So here is my guidance.

At a minimum, waiting at least a few weeks is what I would characterize as an inoculation period.

It allows you some time to get in touch with your feelings.  But there may be cases in which a woman who is coming off a bitter breakup, separation or divorce is still struggling with the whole ordeal.

Maybe she is still dealing with emotional damage inflicted upon her.  Perhaps she has not healed enough to really be ready to trust again.

She may be struggling with whether she will find love again.  Or perhaps the previous relationship was lengthy and there still remains emotional ties that has not yet been full resolved.

So it would not be out of the question for such an individual to need 3-6 months to get her life back in order.

A lot can go wrong if you rush right back into serious dating.  I suppose there are occassions in which you may  want to casually date someone, such as going out with a mutual friend just for his company and to enjoy something together.  There is nothing wrong with that.

The kind of dating I am talking about is where you are exploring if there might exist a real connection.  In other words, you are seeking a romantic attachment.

OK, so I guess I have opened up a can of worms.

So let’s make sure we are talking about the same thing.

When I say “dating”, I am not referring to going out with a group of men and women and you happen to  chat it up with a guy.

Dating can mean a lot of things to people, but at its core it involves a clear desire to meet up with a guy with the purpose of exploring whether you and he may be compatible, longterm partners.

This can be a one on one type of experience or it could start off in a small group such as a double date.  But there is a clear intent by both parties to explore each other….to see if there is a potential fit to warrant further exploration.

A serious dater is one who is emotionally prepared to form a new attachment.

But once again, don’t be in a real hury until you feel you are ready.  If it’s just a casual get together, that is fine, so long as both you and the guy are on the same wavelength.

On this point, remember this….

If you are getting over a very longterm relationship, you will go through a sort of mourning stage.  So it’s OK not to pursue the dating scene.  Get connected to your feelings and listen to them.

Rushing right out to meet some new guy is something you likely will have little desire for.

So if others around you are encouraging or pressuring you to go out and meet some new men, it would be best to ignore their pleas and make sure you have taken sufficient time to heal.

Learn How To Date Yourself

find the light in your soul

One way to take things slowly with regard to dating is to first learn to date yourself.

Find the light that is shining in your soul.

As I have mentioned, everyone who has gone through some kind of breakup has experienced undeniable pain.  So allowing yourself time to heal and do the things to regain your self-esteem, confidence, or whatever it is that you may be struggling with is important.

A while back, I interviewed a very special lady who was an expert in the recovery stage following a breakup.  One of the things she said which can help speed along the recovery process is to learn first to date yourself.

She believed that sometimes we need to learn to not just forgive ourselves for whatever role we may had played in a failed marriage, but we need to go further and lift ourselves up.

Her believe is what better way of accomplishing that than doing things for yourself.  Taking yourself out on dates and becoming one with yourself.

That was the great lesson in her wise advice.  Seek to heal and complete yourself first.  Find those things in yourself you like and honor them.  Be your own best friend.  And treat yourself to the special things you would want a man to do for you.

It is like a self fulfilling prophecy.

And through it all, you end up drawing closer to the best version of yourself.  As you become more attractive to yourself, others will be more drawn to you.

In effect, you become like a magnet because you are happy and comfortable with who you are and all of that shines through.  It’s like having a love affair with yourself, without all of the selfishness or narcissism.

What often happens is you will meet a guy you become interested in when you are not even looking to date.  You can go look for the latest article such as, 10 Steps to Get Back Into Dating After a Breakup or Divorce, and I am sure you will pick up a few ideas.

Certainly, there are things you can do to increase you chances of meeting and interacting with men.

But it is uncanny how you often end up coming across a man who is well suited for your needs and preferences when you are not even actively pursuing.

What If I Can Never Trust My Husband or Love Again

Things can happen in a marriage and as unbelievable as it may sound, all of the goodwill and trust that was built up, can quickly erode as a result of one bad act, leaving you grasping for where to turn…what to do.

Let’s take the case of a wife whose name is Casey.  Imagine you find yourself in her shoes where you suddenly can no longer trust your husband or boyfriend, leaving you wondering if you even still love him.

Imagine something happening to you that has such an impact that not only are you questioning if  can ever love your husband again in the same way, much less trust him, but you are entertaining asking him to leave.

unhappy lessons in marriage

So let’s take a dive into her story and I want you to pretend you are the leading character in this relationship drama. Along the way we are going to talk about some of the emotional challenges you might be facing and what actions you may or may not wish to take.

What if you woke up one day to learn something so shocking that you were immediately faced with having to come to grips with some ugly truths and make some really hard decisions.

Such was the case with my client, Casey.

She and her husband of 6 years had been doing OK.  While things were far from perfect, she never imagined she would find herself in a situation in which not only was her life ripped apart, but everything that she use to think about and hope for regarding the future was instantly changed in her mind.

You might ask yourself what kind of thing could happen that would cause such a dramatic change in a marriage.  For Casey, it was something worse than she could ever imagine.  And it all started on a fateful day a few months ago when her husband came home to tell her that he had been lying to her for a few years about something bigger than both of them.

It was scary for her to hear those words.  She wasn’t even sure what he was talking about at first.  Before her stood her husband who she had loved and trusted for all those years and he was about to rock her world in the worst of ways.

What he told her was shocking and took her some time to actually process.  Indeed, the news so jolted her, she remembered thinking to herself if she could ever love another man again.

Those feelings and concerns were reinforced later after the dreadful truth he told finally settled in place.  Then of course there was this long aftermath period which she presently found herself dealing with.  It is not easy when you learn that your husband is leading a completely separate and secret life.  She had to work through all the emotions of disbelief, confusion, denial, anger, and resentment, before acceptance finally kicked in.

I Can’t Believe This Is Happening

So what in the world did her husband do that caused Casey to tell me, “I don’t trust my husband anymore and am not sure if I can ever love again”.   In her mind, “should I leave him” was never a question.

The question of should you be with someone you don’t trust was not something that plagued her.  By the time I was talking with her, she knew what she wanted going forward.  She wanted him out of her life.  It was over.  It was as if she was living with a stranger, someone she thought she knew, but really a person that was an imposter.

my husband is a mystery man

She had created this image of her husband of someone who had a sense of honor and decency.  She use to think of him as a man who would be there for her and do all the right things.  But not anymore.

Casey did not have questions about how to learn to trust your husband again or how to fall back in love with your husband like it was the first time.   She was past all of that.

She wanted to know how to go forward and pick up the pieces.  She wanted reassurance that she could meet another man and learn to love him and be loved.

She wondered about such things because on the day I spoke with her, she was still broken in some ways.  That which she use to count on was ripped away.

This was not one of those awful marital spats in which the husband told a few big bad lies.

It was not one of those situations in which you are paranoid and have no reason to distrust the man use to be the cornerstone of your life.

It was not one of those “I don’t trust my husband with money” situations in which your partner has some awful gambling problem such that he bet and lost the family’s savings.

Casey’s situation was something even I had not come across before.  So I did not have to give her assurances that falling back in love with her partner was still in the cards.  No, it was beyond that.

I Don’t Want Him Back

It was not one of those events that happened such that she was searching for  “how to love my husband again after he cheated on me“.  Yes, cheating is an incredibly difficult problem for couples to get through.  But what her husband did was worse

Nor was it the reverse.  Sometimes I get women coming to me in search of answers to questions like…

How do I fall back in love with my husband after I cheated”

“How to get your husband to fall back in love with you and trust you again after you slept with their best friend”.

No, No.  Casey had none of that going on.  She wasn’t crying over how she might find love again in her marriage.  All the love she once had for him had been sucked right out of the marriage, almost at once.

She wasn’t there to tell me her story of how she set aside her pain and suffering and “how I fell back in love with my husband after heartbreak”.

No, no.  Casey was beyond heartbreak.  In her mind, she guy who she once thought was her partner in life had done the undoable

When Your Husband Rips Your World Apart

life changing marriage event

On the fateful day many weeks ago, her husband, who had been mulling over whether he should tell his wife his “Big Bad Lie”, came home early from work that day.  Then he instructed his wife to sit down and told her in a matter of fact tone of voice that he had been illegally married to another woman for the past  three years and they had two children of their own they were raising.

Devoid of all emotion, he told her that he wasn’t sure if he really loved this other person but she gave him children which he thought he wanted.  But now he wasn’t so sure if he still wanted to be with this other woman.  But nor was he sure he was happy with Casey.  Then he spend the next several minutes analzing the whole situation like he was defending his dissertation.   Casey, his first wife as she learned, was horrifed to learn of the depth of his deception and was furious with the flat, not emotional way her husband told her of  what he described as his own “ordeal” that he was going through.

As you can imagine, as Casey explained, she was still reeling from the first part of what he told her.  Trying to understand what her husband meant about not being sure if he wanted the other family in his life anymore was far to confusing and absurd for her to even be able to process.

What kind of man cheats on his wife, leading a double life, a double marriage, having children with his other wife, then tells his first wife some of the most horrible things a man could say to a woman.

Casey explained to me she was in utter shock about how her husband could be so detached about what the horrible pain he had caused her.

Was it some crazy way of hoping his present wife would understand and forgive and take him back?

Was it his way of trying to end his first marriage or was he hoping his wife would help him break off the second marriage?

As Casey explained it to me, it didn’t take her long to stop even trying to make sense of it.  “Maybe it was my emotional self preservation kicking in but I was beyond caring what his motives might have been“, she explained.  He had already sealed his fate in her mind.  She knew that to be a truth as his story poured out of him.

But her husband didn’t stop talking.  Part of her wanted to clobber him.

angry with husband for secret life

He just keep making the noose tighter, essentially killing off any chance of there ever being any form of reconciliation.  If it wasn’t shocking enough for him to tell her about his other family, he told her that under the circumstances he wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to go look for another man to spend her life with.  It was such an inappropriate thing to say in the moment.   She told me she when she looked back to that moment of the conversation she was remarkably calm.  She said she told her husband that his thinking is warped and he needed counseling.

Then incredibly he asked her if she knew how to fall in love again with someone new.  He told her he would understand if she felt too damaged to love again.  He claimed to have looked into the matter, anticipating that she might feel upset, and proceeded to tell his flabbergasted wife that he wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t ever wanna fall in love again.

He assured her, as he continued his absurd and incredibly insensitive dissertation on loving again, that he was sure she would learn how to find love again after being hurt because she was always the strong one.

Casey quietly told me that if there was ever a time she felt she could committ some awful violent act, it was then.   The audacity of her husband carving out an entire double life with another women, then making this other woman his wife, then having children with this other lady was incredibly shocking and bewildering just by itself.  But then having her husband lecture her on love, of all people, was so shocking she described feeling completely numb in that moment. She said that his words sounded so bizzaire that she believed she was having an out of body experience as if she was looking down on the conversation between the two of them, thinking, “this man is twisted and sick“.

She had known her husband as someone who was somewhat devoid of empathy.  “Feelings of closeness was there, but sometimes it was not, if that makes any sense” she told me.

Sometimes he just wouldn’t get it”, she would say.  He would make these cold, calculating and dispassionate comments and analyses about situations, almost like a robot she explained to me.  So it was always in the back of her mind that her husband simply did not connect to other people in quite the same way as she and most others do.

I told her not to be so hard on herself. When we are in love, we can overlook things and work on making things better in general.  That is the glass if half full most couples have.  No couple is completely compatible in all areas, I reminded here.

She went on to explain that there had been occasions in the past where he seemed disconnected to how certain things he said could be taken wrong.  He seemed a little awkward in some social settings.   In the early phase of their relationship, she thought his behavior odd, but she was attracted to his keen intelligence and other things.

But all those little doubts and disconnects no longer preyed on her mind as they did occasionally throughout their marriage.  She simply didn’t care anymore.

She didn’t want to waste any more emotional energy on her husband or think about his bizarre other life.  She wanted it to end in legal sense as quickly as possible. To that end, she was already in contact with a divorce lawyer and moving forward on that front.  But she instincitvely knew it would take her longer to recover emotionally.

What she was hoping to get from me was an answer to a question that had haunted her ever since she learned of her husband’s double life.  She wanted to know what her future relationship with men might look like.

Would she have difficulty trusting again she wondered?

She asked this question, not so much out of curiosity or practicality, but for months she had been weighed down with waves of distrust for men in general.

She knew it was not logical to assume that all men would be like her husband and betray their spouse in the most horrible way.  But the impact of her soon to be ex husband leading a double life had taken an emotional toll on her well of trust.

She avoided men for the most part.  Her girlfriends kept telling her give it time and that eventually these awful feelings of general distrust with men would subside.

Getting past the issue of trust was the first hurdle in Casey’ mind.  She also wondered if she would find love again.

These two things, love and trust, go hand in hand and Casey understood that.

But she  correctly believed that love deserved a deeper reservoir of trust and she wasn’t sure if she could ever allow herself to trust someone like that again.

What To Do When You Feel Like You’ll Never Find Love Again

finding love again after husband dumps you

What Casey was going through was not that rare or unusual and I told her so.

I also explained to her that her girlfriends were partly right.  One should not expect that after being betrayed in one of the most shocking and horrible ways, that everything in the trust department would be as before.

I explained that in her mind’s eye, psychologically speaking, her husband in a way represented the whole of man.

Now in reality, that is far from the truth.

But in some ways, we are all fragile when it comes to matters of trust, particularly if the opposite sex has hurt us.  When you are married or have a close relationship with a man, you naturally will come to think that you have formed a special bond with that individual and that you can trust him unconditionally.  This is the normal way in which trust is formed.  It increases layer by layer through a lot of experiences.

But when all that is suddenly upended, in your mind, the foundation of trust doesn’t just simply erode.  It can come tumbling down.  And going forward, your state of mind will see trust as a much more difficult wall of faith to erect.

It may look near impossible.  Your left side of the brain, your emotional control center, wants you to avoid pain.  So naturally, you will tell yourself to be much more guarded.  You will be more wary.  And if something happens that takes a smashing ball to your trust in men, then recovering it fully can be very difficult.

That is where Casey stood.

And these feelings of distrust for men and uncertainty of ever falling in love again with a man will be at their peak in the aftermath period following a difficult breakup.

We are talking weeks or even months for some.  For some, without some help and counseling, fully regaining the capacity to trust in men again may not be in the cards.

But that is rare.

What usually happens is over time, the emotional control center of your brain has less control of your thoughts and feelings around this particular topic.  The left side of your brain, the logical and reasoning side, will begin to help shape a more balance view of your possibilities to trust and love again.

But this can take some time, sometimes a lot of time depending on the individual and the individual experience they suffered though.

Another factor that influences how quickly you can overcome some of your irrational fears of never being able to trust or love another again is the quality of the support team around you.

Sometimes to help eliminate your negative notions about not allowing yourself to get close to another man again, you need a champion.

Champions are those who help you defeat the memory of those who were once your enemy so to speak.

Those men that did or said things that hurt you terribly and caused you to begin doubting if you will fall in love once again represent the antagonist.

While your ex husband or boyfriend may now be out of the picture, the grip their past actions have on your current life has to removed.

It so happens that Casey, as I discovered, has a close, loving relationship with her father.

So I told her she should open up to the one man she trusts and loves deeply and talk about her feelings.  While things won’t happen overnight, just the process of sharing and talking about these things with another man you trust and love will help reinforce that it is the fear and anxiety you have about your future that poses as your biggest enemy.

finding love again

Certainly there are some men out there that won’t be the right match for Casey going forward.  That was always the case in the past and will be for the future.

All of us, I told her, try our best to find a mate that best suits our needs and mirrors our same values.  If anything,  I reminded Casey, she is now better equipped to evaluate these things going forward.

But I also reminded her about what I call the Realtionaship Law of the Little Steps.

When you undergo a terribly difficult and transformative experience, you need time to heal and recover.  Trust may not have been the only thing damaged in the failed relationship.  A person’s ego and level of confidence in self  can also take a blow.  Self doubts can creep in as to whether one has brought “all of this” upon themselves (self blame).

Of course it is often absurd to blame oneself when about such things , but it is not unusual for  women and men to become submerged in doubts about their decisions of the past or what they may do with their life that is ahead of them.

When a marriage goes south, there is a host of things that changes in one’s life.  Many of one’s routines are interrupted or are changed.  The challenge is to spend your time immersed in new routines that are rewarding.

All of this takes some time to adapt to.  So learning to take small steps over time to recover and emotionally heal is important.   Learning to do those things that bring you more peace and happiness will take some time and is part of the recovery process.

Casey had withdrawn from life to the extent that she shut he self inside her home to often.  She went through a brief post traumatic stress period following the bizarre revelations.

So I encouraged her to engage more with other people and set up some new, positive routines that would remove her from the home environment that was too similar to what she experienced in the past.

In a way, I wanted her to remake herself and her environment, without really changing who she is.  I told her I wanted her to focus on becoming the best version of herself and gravitate to those activities that bring her pleasure.

For too long she had lived to help make her husband happy.  That all has to change now.  I told her the mindset she should have going forward is to date herself.  To do things for herself and that pleases self.

Through all of this she would learn not to just trust in herself more, but it will translate into her finding someone else who will love and care for her because by doing what I described she will reflect the qualities that people find attractive.

I told Casey that once you heal and believe in yourself completely, the hurdle of finding another a man you can believe in again can be cleared.

But don’t think of it as a race, I told her.  Think of it as the first several steps along a longer journey.  If we race around trying to do things, overly concerned about whether we can love again, we can miss the mark.   Our emotional demons can get the best of us.

While when you are on a journey, the paths you end up taking can sometimes change for the better along the way if you are free from your demons.

 

It Kills Me To See Her With Him and Makes Me Sick

It is painful and can be shocking to realize that your husband or even your ex is or may be with another woman.  Seeing your guy with someone else hurts deeply.  The thought of your current or  even you ex husband is with someone else can literally make you sick.

One of my clients recently told me, “Chris, it kills me to see her with him.  It tears me apart and I feel helpless”.

Of course, feeling sick when you see your husband or ex acting way too friendly and intimate around another women isn’t the only reaction you will experience.

seeing your man with another girl

A wife who thinks that some other woman is making a move on her husband will likely be swept over with a wide range of emotions such as anger, bewilderment, shock, betrayal and disappointment.   I have some clients who told me that they became unglued when they spied their husband mixed up with another woman, to the point they experienced a  full-blown meltdown.  So make no mistake.  This business of seeing your husband potentially compromised can be emotionally rattling.

So what are you to do if you are in a steady relationship and you discover (or think you have uncovered) your spouse or lover hanging around some other girl?  Clearly, such a discovery can set your head a spinning.

My Man Is Playing the Field

How do you stop thinking about your ex with someone?

How would you know if there is some funny business even happening?

Can you be sure that there is not some innocent explanation for why they are together?

Could you be wrong about those interactions that look a bit too intimate?

Just seeing your husband with someone else can have a chilling effect on how you think about yourself, your marriage…..just about everything going on in your life at that time.

So figuring out how you should feel about it and what you should do is important.

Your sure don’t want your husband getting into something he will later regret.

Nor do you want to mis-shoot and overreact.

And what if we are talking about your ex husband?

If it turns out that your ex husband has taken up with another women, how should you deal with seeing them with someone else?

On one level, you think it shouldn’t bother you.  Both you and your ex have your own life now and are both free to do what you wish.  But letting go of the past is a lot easier said than done.

Sometimes our past experiences with our lovers just won’t let go of us.

Leave My Husband Alone!

leave my marriage alone

I know it is easy for one’s mind to race away.

Your first racing thought could be that your husband (or ex) has fallen in love with someone else.  It is often absurd to think this way (in most cases), but such thoughts can take on their own life.

Just seeing or recounting images of your husband being a little too attentive to another woman can set you off.  Now, I don’t want you being too hard on yourself. If such thoughts do run through your mind, don’t think of yourself as some kind of crazy woman.

Seeing the person you love with someone else can reach down deep into you and strike many emotional chords.  I certainly could not imagine my wife with someone else.   Even if it is your ex who is with someone else, you should expect to experience a lot of twisted up feelings.

It Hurts So Much

Just because we are no longer dating or are married to an individual, doesn’t mean all those intimate feelings and experiences we once enjoyed with them have wasted away in our memory love bank.

Intellectually we can try to reason with ourselves, but intimate connections with another human simply does not just slide right out of our lives.

Let’s hear from some women on this topic to examine their experiences and what they felt when they either saw or caught wind of their husband or ex cozying up to another woman.

It really jarred me when I spotted him in a restaurant with this woman.  It kills me even now when I think about seeing her with my husband.  They were seated close together and it just didn’t look right.  Should I confront my husband about what was going or am I just being paranoid?

I saw my ex at the movies with this other girl and  my heart skipped a beat.  I can’t help it but when I think of my ex with this other woman, it makes me  feel sick with jealousy.  Then I get mad.  So seeing my ex husband with someone else really kills me.  I know you did a post on how to cope with your ex dating others, but the sight of him with this woman just ties me up in knots.  It takes me days to get over it.

I am sure my ex husband is sleeping with someone else already.  Perhaps it is no longer my business, but I still have feelings and when I think about him and her, I cringe.  Frankly, I am not sure how to stop thinking about my ex sleeping around.  I am not doing it.  I should.  Part of it I think is my lack of trust in men .  I think another part of me is hoping for a chance for us to get back together.   I am sickened by the thought of him having sex.  I know you will tell me I need to change my focus and stop making my ex husband’s behavior top of mind.   

Look Chris, I am through with my husband. We are separated and agreed to date others.  But I am afraid he won’t let me go.  My ex is seeing someone else but contacts me and wants to tell me about it.  What is with that?  Is he trying to hurt me all over again.  I tell him to stop, that I don’t want to hear it.  Then he goes into this explanation about how it’s not working out and so on.  Is this his way of trying to pry himself back into my life?  He confuses me.

Obviously, some of the comments above dealt with women and their exes.

It can be difficult to separate all of the cascading emotions running through your mind when you spot your ex husband or boyfriend with another lady.   You work so hard to kill off those lingering uncertainties you had about whether the marriage could be saved.  Just when you think you have wrestled back control of your thoughts, they can easily go flying again in all directions once you see another woman at his side.

Look,  I realize it is easy for me to say that you should just keep going on with your life and not focus on such things.

feeling the raw emotions of betrayal

And I know it is easy for me to say that your ex husband is entitled to see and date whoever he wishes, just like you are too.  But saying something you should know and agreeing with it is altogether a different thing than the actual feelings bubbling up inside you.

My experience is that even after months or years have gone by, the emotions around this topic will always be raw.

That is the emotional battle all women and men have when they see their former spouse in the company of the opposite sex.  Trying to reconcile what is going on in your heart versus your head is no easy task.

I assure you, these conflicted feelings will subside with time, particularly after you have found another person in your life you feel close and intimate with.  It is as if the passionate and intense feelings you use to have for your ex husband transfers to the new person in your life and carries more weight in your heart and your mind’s eye.  Perhaps not all of it, but most of it.  Enough of it to significantly reduce the painful recurrence of these old, raw feelings.

But imagine what it must feel like if your current husband appears to be courting another women in some fashion.  I would not be surprised to hear that it kills you to think that your spouse could be in the process of  being compromised.  So in the context of this post, it is natural to feel sickened by any notion that your husband has made himself available.

But what we think might be happening and what is actually happening are not always the same thing.

And when you are right, what do you do?

In other words,  if your suspicions align with the underlying reality of what your husband is up to, just how do you proceed?

How should you process your feelings to avoid going crazy if your suspicions are warranted?

What You Should Do When You Feel Upset, Confused or Vulnerable

feeling vulnerable after ex seen dating

First of all, don’t let anyone tell you that what you are feeling is wrong or is way off base.

They may not have sufficient information to really know the truth.  Until the facts can be examined, neither you or most others can be certain of what might be really going on.

Your feelings emerge from a place of honesty.  Now that doesn’t mean that you are right to feel this way (i.e. turned inside out with jealous rage).  It is possible you have grossly misread the situation.  It is possible you are overreacting to something you observed.

Fear can seize control and grip you and cause you to think all kinds of things.  Sometimes it doesn’t take much for fear to take control of your emotional well being and hijack your thoughts, constructing an elaborate scenario that is largely untrue.

But denying yourself of having these feelings and sweeping it all under the carpet is akin to self-delusion.

It is better to accept whatever natural feelings emerge.  It is part of the cathartic emotional experience we sometimes need to undergo in order to purge the unhealthy thoughts.  It can make it easier, later, to realize  how your feelings and the real facts can be two different things.  It may take you some time and effort, but ultimately, you benefit more if you put a bridle over your emotions until the truth has had a chance to emerge.

That is not easy to do, I realize.

For example, your eyes and your heart are seeing and telling you that your husband is cozying up way too close with another woman or she is hitting on your man and he is soaking it all up.

If you are like most people, your emotions are going to run away from you.  That’s why so many people tell me it kills them to see their husband associating or mingling with another woman.  Even the most subtle of gestures or expressions can set one-off.

You may feel pressed to confront your husband on the spot or do something immediately to break up what looks like a blossoming connection moment.

But blowing up the little encounter you are observing could speak more to your insecurities.

And even if it turns out that you are right on some level and the misplaced trust you had in your husband is now blowing up in your face, it is still best to keep your calm.

There will be a time to digest it all and then discuss it with your husband.  Rushing to judgement or punishment is always a slippery slope.

To that extent, if you are able to better control unwanted emotional outbursts, which often can make things worse, reasonable solutions become more readily available.

So there is nothing wrong with having genuine feelings bubble up when you see your husband striking up what appears too close of a relationship with another woman.

Don’t try to hold it all in.

If you try to contain it within you, then it will lead to you feeling sick about it all.

Find a constructive way of releasing your emotions.

Then once you get past this stage, then you should move into what  I think of as the troubleshooting phase.

What You Can Do If Your Husband or Ex Seems Mixed Up With Another Woman

husband quietly sneaking around

So what do you do about it all?

Let’s say that the man you are married to is being overly flirtatious with some other woman.  The two of them seem to be really connecting and enjoying each other’s company.

My advice is to let it play out.

Then later when your and your husband are alone, open up to your husband and tell him what you saw and how it made you feel.  Ask him to explain his behavior.  Remain calm.  Use a calm tone of voice. Don’t accuse him of cheating on you or being flirtatious or anything else.

By making an accusation or portraying your husband in an unflattering way, you lose the moral high ground.

What you are doing is simply sharing what you saw and specifically how it made you feel.

That is really important.  Your husband should have a keen sense of how you were upset by what you saw or heard.  He should understand the emotional and physical impact it had on you. (i.e.  that this literally made you feel sick).

It is better with these kind of communications to steer away from any name calling or accusations.  It is also better to avoid any hysterics or anger or any language that is tinged with resentment and distrust.

Now, your husband may get defense and even interrupt you explaining that what you think you saw was not the underlying reality of what was really going on.

After he has said his piece, simply return to your theme of describing what you felt inside when you observed him with this other woman.  You feelings are real and he may try to dismiss them, but how you felt is something he cannot escape.

He can argue all he wants about how you are jumping to conclusions and entirely misread what was really going on between him and the other woman.

But I don’t want you to get lost in arguing all the finer points.  Don’t get dragged into a debate.  That shifts the attention to the wrong thing (i.e. arguing over semantics).

Keep the focus on describing how it made you feel.  Most men, at some point, will acknowledge and understand its impact on you.  Empathy is what you are looking for.  If your husband is incapable of showing empathy after you calmly express your feelings about the matter, then you and your husband have an uphill battle and probably even more serious marital problems to discuss.

Then close the discussion with what, if anything, should change going forward.

Perhaps you are satisfied with his explanation and are also pleased that he realizes how his behavior can have consequences.  Having discussed this matter openly can have the effect of neutralizing its occurrence in the future.

It is possible your husband was being a flirty boy.

He may have actively engaged in this encounter with another woman in search of an emotional, even possibly a sexual connection.

So it’s possible you have every right to feel sickened by your husband’s behavior.  And if this is the case, then while it is a good thing for him to see how his actions have made you feel sick, that is not enough.

It is necessary your husband agrees that he will no longer partake in any such intimate rendezvous with women because for all practical purposes such encounters are akin to emotional cheating.

He may deny everything and accuse you of overreacting and making something of nothing.

There is little to be gained in debating the details.  It usually serves to aggravate the situation.

It is better to simply and calmly put him on notice and remind your husband you have zero tolerance for any subtle overtures or intimate greetings and encounters with other women anywhere at anytime.

Sometimes a husband in order to save face will continue to insist that the whole issue you are concerned about is non-existent.  If that makes him feel better to say such a thing, fine.  Sometimes people live in denial.  Or they can’t bring themselves to admit to the truth.

While such an outcome is far from ideal, there comes a point where it does you no good to argue and press you case.

You can’t put words in your husband’s mouth.

But you can influence his thoughts and if he understands how his actions made you feel and when he hears you express you lack of tolerance for casual flirtations, it is likely you are influencing  how he is internally processing this whole matter.

So what if your husband or boyfriend does it again?  What if he repeatedly finds ways to hang around other women, pushing the needle of what is acceptable?

What do you do if your husband or boyfriend is a player and shamelessly chases other women?

Well, my friends, that is the topic for another post in the future.

But to give you a peek under the tent, if you do adopt a zero tolerance policy for such behavior, you best be ready to back it up.  And that means taking an action that might just shock your husband back into reality and remind him what he could be losing.

Getting Your Ex Husband Back Fast From The Other Woman

So it’s finally happened.  The man who was once your husband, the guy who you believed was your savior and soul mate has bolted from your life.

The husband who you thought would happily spend the rest of his life with you.  This once beloved figure in your life who has committed the sin of all sins.  He has now done the worst possible thing you could imagine. He has found another woman.

To make matters worse, let’s say he has taken up with another woman shortly after ending the marriage with you.  Frankly,  there is not a lot out there that can make one feel worse.

More specifically, when you first discover that your husband has landed on his feet and is now shacking up with another woman, it’s like a blow to the gut, making one feel sick and disgusted.

your ex husband leaves you in the dust

But let’s say after all that has happened and after a good amount of time has elapsed, you decide that you are not ready to throw in the towel.  Part of you may really hate your husband with a passion, not to mention that witch of a woman he has taken up with.

But you tell yourself that you have invested a great deal in this man and you are still very much in love with him and while he is with this new lady of his, you are not convinced that it is going to work out.

Welcome to the Jekyll/Hyde world of not know what to feel or how to feel about the biggest betrayal a husband could pull off.

Part of you probably still aches for him to return so the two of you can give it another try.

How To Put Your Marriage Back Together Again

Then at night, the demons come out to play as all his lies fly through your mind and you become enraged again and again with the unfairness of it all.

In one moment you want him to suffer for his betrayal.  Then in the next moment, you imagine what it might be like if your and your ex husband actually could repair the damage and make a start of it again.

For some women, getting their ex husband back as fast as possible can take over their thoughts.

Our minds can race away with all kinds of notions when our ex has left us.   You may be convinced that this other woman pried him away from you. That your ex was largely a foolish victim.  So you reason that the faster you can get him back, the less chance she has to get a grip on his heart.

But this could be a big mistake.  Trying to get your ex husband back fast from the clutches of another woman may be the quickest way to push him away and strengthen their bond.  Not to mention that he may not have been a foolish, hesitant participant, but rather precipitated the whole affair.

take a step back from your marriage

How you go about getting your ex husband back after a separation or divorce is no easy thing to pull off.  It may not even be the right thing for you and your situation.  No matter how certain you are that he has made a big mistake, taking a big step back may very well be in your best interests.

Certainly rushing too fast to try to lure him back could be counter productive.  It can cause you to look desperate and needy, neither of which is going to make your husband more receptive to reconsider his actions.

You may have a voice in your head that says, “I know how to win back my husband’s heart.  I know my husband made a huge mistake and in time, he too will discover that he still loves me and this other woman is nothing but a rebound lover.”

It is not uncommon for women to think this way (men too) when they are clutching at trying recover their husband.  Here are some examples of women whose husbands had left them in the dust, yet these ladies still clung to the belief that somehow, someway, things could be made right again.

Now, I will say, in some cases, their belief was well founded.  But generally I caution women about getting their hopes up too high and certainly they should never put their life on hold hoping their husband will come to his senses and return to the marriage.

OK, so here is what some wives said on this topic….

My husband just left me for another woman and I am crushed, but I still want him back.  I can’t believe that he just stopped loving me for this other woman.  I am not even sure he has, but it feels that way.  I know her and I don’t think this thing he has with her will last.

So Chris, my husband took off.  He found this old girlfriend of his and they are acting like they have always been a couple.  It’s like he wiped away all memories of us.  I know it’s not healthy, but I can’t help but wonder if he might just come back.  I know I am looking for inspiration in places where there is none. You say that he packed up and left and that says a lot about him.  But I am not ready for this to end. So just tell me this.  How do I get my ex husband back.  Sometimes he acts  like he is really not into this girl.  He and I both know she isn’t right for him.  This fling he is having is some kind of mid life crisis,  I think.   She is really mind fricking him.  I want to do the same.  So how do I turn my husband away from her.

I want my ex husband back in my life but he’s with someone else.  I really don’t know what to do.  He says he still loves me.  We did get divorced, but he acts like things really never changed.  He just keeps saying it’s the paper that has changed.  We still have sex and it feels right for me, so I don’t want to misstep.  But I can’t share him with another woman. I know this whole relationship is screwed up.   

How do I get my husband back from a woman he says he doesn’t love.  I made him move out, but I now want him back and he is waffling about what to do.  This is not him. I blame much of this on the other woman who lured him into an affair.  I know him and he wouldn’t have been drawn away like this if she wasn’t pulling all the right strings.  I know she is pressuring him to leave me for good.  I want to fight back, but don’t know where to start.

When you find yourself in such a situation, it can make you feel desperate to do just about anything to recover your ex husband.  But often desperate moves only lead to pushing your ex husband faster and farther away from you.

So what is one to do when there is another woman in the equation?

Should you just cool your heels and hope for the best?

Would it be best to chase all notions of reuniting with your ex husband out of your mind?

Or should you come up with some devious plan to paint this other woman for what she is, a marriage wrecker, and see where all the pieces fall?

How To Get Your Husband To Notice You Right Now

Is Getting Your Ex Husband Back Fast The Way To Go?

getting your man back fast

When women come to me and tell me they want their ex husband back, yet in the same breath admit that he has taken up with another woman, my usual response is to try to get them to slow down.

They may feel like they are standing still as their life whirls on by, so the need to to do something…anything can be overwhelming.

Far too often people dealing with these situations can feel very confused, angry, and upset (almost all at once).  A marriage breakup will certainly do that to you.

It can get in your head in all sorts of ways and if we are not careful, we can complicate things with knee jerk reactions.

So I always advise my clients to first take time to get your bearings and heal.  Don’t overreact to anything.  And don’t commit to immediately allowing him right back in your life.

My Husband Walked Out: Will He Ever Come Back To Me

I know that may be hard for you to hear.

It is possible that the whole breakup thing with your husband went by fast.  So fast that your head may still be spinning as you try to pick up the pieces.  And often, that is how it works.

When you and your ex husband finally reached the end of the road and chose to go your separate ways, the disintegration of the marriage probably happened slowly over time.

That is how it comes down for a lot of couples.  But some married couples blow up over a relatively short period of time, particularly if another woman is involved.

Of course, that is what we are talking about here in this post.  Somewhere along the way, another woman has entered the picture and all you can think of is your ex husband and this woman out there making a new life together, doing the same you and your ex husband use to do together.

Whether she wedged her way into your life during the time you were married or after you and your ex husband separated may not make a big difference to you at this stage.

If your mind is swimming with thoughts of how to get your ex husband back fast so the two of you can rediscover that which you once had, chances are you are in a deep pit of panic.

If this is so, then doing anything fast could be disastrous.

I realize there will be moments when you will think of nothing else.  And you may still be in a state of bewilderment about how your ex husband could have done such a thing.

No one could replace you“, you may have once thought about yourself.  And when it happens, it can be a tough blow to one’s ego and sense of how things were to unfold.

So should you accept that you have been replaced by another woman?

Should you fight back?  How do you do it?

Is your ex even worth it?

If not, when should you give up?

Let’s just say, it is best to put first things, first.  So what might that be?

It Is About Recovery – But It’s You, Not Him You Should Be Focused On

focusing on your needs as a woman

Listen carefully to what I have to say.

You need time to heal. A lot of time needs to be devoted to You and those people (not your ex) you know without a doubt you love and love you.

I am not saying you don’t love your ex.  I am just saying it’s your time to focus on You.  Not him.

If things have been happening fast and furious, this is not a time to act and try to be a wrecking ball in an effort to break up the relationship between your ex husband and this other woman.  All that will do is bring more pain to everyone’s life.

You don’t want to be calling or reaching out to your ex husband to advance your own personal agenda of trying to reunite.  Sure, if there is some non personal matter that needs to be discussed, then certainly attend to that.

But if you are filled with obsessive thoughts about getting our ex husband back and particularly if your marriage just recently ended or broke apart, then the last thing you want to do is interact with your ex husband.

Most likely, neither of your are in the right state of mind to deal with each other’s myriad of conflicting emotions.  Too often I have seen women try to woo their ex husband back into the fold, only to be terribly disappointed in his lack of interest or worse, cause the relationship to become even more bitter and divided.

Your are not in contest to win back your ex husband in record time.  While every fiber of your being may be determined to strike back at this other woman and make her look as bad as possible, that is almost always a losing strategy.

Any effort to ruin the other woman’s image in the eyes of your former husband will usually result in the opposite effect.  He will naturally think that you are out to hurt him through her or hurt them both, which will cause your former husband to cling tighter to the woman he has taken up with.

This is not a race, so lose this notion of trying to get your ex love back fast.  When dealing with matters involving relationships, trying to accomplish something fast is often a recipe for disaster.

Getting Ex Lover Back Fast

Your focus needs to be on YOU and getting back to some healthy routines.  Your focus should be on becoming the best version of yourself.  That will ultimately be the most effective way of making yourself attractive to everyone, including your ex husband.

One should also be careful about slipping into any kind of “friends with benefits” entanglements with your ex husband.  Having sex with your ex husband behind the back of this other woman may make you feel like you have scored some points and are drawing him back in, but more often than not it will cause your pain to worsen and troubles to multiply.

Men often look for sex to satisfy a primal urge.  Your ex husband can more easily separate his true feelings in order to gain some short-term pleasure.  For you, it will likely be a different experience.

If you end up in bed with your ex, you may think your ex husband is expressing his love through the act of sex and is seriously contemplating returning to the relationship.

But often that is far from the truth.  After the act of love-making is consummated,  things will likely be as they were before.  Indeed, your ex may very well be making love with the other woman only hours later.

Now this type of scenario is not representative all how all men might process and handle the situation, but most men in such a situation will behave similarly.

Now, if things transpire like this, does it necessarily make your ex husband an evil man and you a foolish woman?

Of course not.

What it most likely reflects is that we all can temporarily become prisoners of our immediate needs and impulses.

Maybe Your Ex Husband Is Not The Man For You

ex not the right man for you

As you take time to heal, you should give serious consideration to the possibility that perhaps your ex husband is not best for you.

This desire for you to get him back, fast, is in many ways being driven by chemicals of your brain.

Like an addict, we can become reliant upon the feel good chemicals that our loving spouse helps us generate.  The release of neurotransmitters in our brain (e.g. dopamine, oxtoycin, etc) makes us feel pleasure and  bonded with our mate.

If that is taken away from us suddenly and replaced with stress hormones, the end result is similar to that of an addict going through a withdrawal phase.  If you hunger for the company of your ex husband, no doubt, you have been temporarily taken prisoner by chemistry of your brain.

It’s not bad that you feel this way.  It is just a normal way our mind and body responds to such situations.

The good news is that over time and with activity and engagement in other things and with other people, these feelings of addiction or obsession for your ex husband will subside.

Why is Breaking Up So Hard and Painful

It’s when you “find yourself again” that you will be able to truly determine if you even want to be back together again with the man who betrayed you.

Yes, you may be totally convinced that is what you want right now.  You may feel so certain, that the question of your ex or separated husband not being back in your life is alien to you.

But you are likely to feel much different about things later.  I am not saying that the door leading to your former husband coming back to you is forever closed.

No one can know such a thing.

But I am saying that there can come a time when you feel at ease with the notion that you ex husband is not the right guy for you.

Indeed, there are many other men out there who can bring happiness and joy back into your life.

That is a fact.

You may not believe it now.  But if you are listening to what I am saying in this post, you may come to understand why you might be struggling with this truth.