How Do I Forgive And Forget My Husband’s Affair

It’s a fair question, isn’t it.  How do you go about forgiving and forgetting that your husband had an affair?

It turns out that forgiving and forgetting your husband’s affair is not something you can snap your fingers and make happen.  Forgiveness will come eventually.  To forget your husband cheated on you, well, that is a tall order.

Did You See This Affair Coming?

taken down by a marriage vow broken

My bet is you didn’t.  Most women don’t expect their husband to be unfaithful and when they are, it is shocking to learn that their man has cheated on them.  Even when you pick up some little clues, signs or hints of an affair, it will still feel like you have been clobbered over the head when the truth pours out.

After all, you married this man to spend your life being happy and not having to worry about what he is up to. You don’t want to have doubts about whether he is screwing around with other women.

Could He Be With Someone Else?

As his wife, you don’t want to spend your days wondering how to forgive your husband for hurting you in this way.

Why should you even consider forgiving and forgetting that he slept with another woman?

Maybe you shouldn’t.  He might not be worth it.  He screwed around one too many times.  Once is enough, right?

It’s not as simple as that is it?

We are going explore some of this.

What Possessed Your Husband To Betray You Like This?

why did he betray me

It turns out there are numerous reasons why your husband betrayed you and all of these things need to be considered before your think of forgiving and forgetting that he cheated on you.

Today, we are going to talk about how to get over the fact your husband cheated on you.   We are going to talk about the 5 Possible Reasons Why Your Husband Got Involved in His Affair.

You probably also want to know how long it normally takes to forgive infidelity.

We are also going to explore what might be happening with your feelings now that you know your husband is a cheater.

Finally, we will talk about why it is so hard on you to get over his cheating and what you can do if you believe you can’t get over his infidelity.

You Will Also Learn About Repeated Marriage Affairs

multiple affairs

In closing, we will tackle what you can do if your husband has cheated on you several times. Has you husband been involved with multiple women?  Did he commit repeated affairs?

You might ask yourself if you will ever get over the pain of repeated affairs.

You will learn that how you get over the hurt of repeated instances of infidelity is a two-fold challenge because you are also going to have to figure out if your husband is worth staying with.

Lastly, you will need to think about whether the marriage is still worth saving given all that has transpired.

How Do I Get Over the Hurt Of Infidelity?

getting away from pain

When you can’t forgive your spouse for betraying you then the marriage is likely stuck in reverse.  I know it’s hard. You married a man who you thought would be faithful to you.

But he was not.  He cheated.  He gave in to whatever desires or temptations were at work in his mind and heart.

So now you need to learn how you go about getting over the pain and hurt of being a victim of an affair.

Don’t tell yourself you can’t get over your husband cheating because we can all learn to forgive over time.

Should I Forgive What He Did?

Just know that you will be in a vulnerable place for quite some time.  So be careful of those inner demons that might speak to you.

The angry voices in your mind might try to convince you that your husband is not worth it. That you will never be able to forgive his infidelity.

You may be haunted by visions of his cheating causing you to experience an assortment of emotions as you reconcile why he could not be faithful to you.

So the first step in recovering from the confusing, angry, and depressing states of mind you will likely experience is to start with trying to understand why your husband did it.

Why did he get mixed up with the other woman?

What Are The Top 5 Reasons Why Your Husband Cheated and Hooked Up With Another Woman?

can't trust him

The reasons for why men choose to cheat on their spouse are never completely clear in the beginning.

There is a good possibility he won’t ever tell you the full reason. I know that sounds harsh and may be difficult to process.  But consider this.  You already caught your husband in a lie.  He has been with another woman behind your back.  What he may tell you now may strain credibility.

So don’t get too stuck on the why.  It is important, yes.  And we will talk about these reasons.  But know that it is not always a straightforward thing.

Your husband may fully know why he committed adultery.  But he may not fully understand why he did it and the consequences of his actions.

And knowing that he has lied about his faithfulness to you, you should also accept that he may be lying to himself about certain things.

So let’s explore some of the top reasons why your husband got involved in an affair.  None of these reasons are offered as a way to forgive men for their actions, but they might give you some insight into what got into your husband to cause him to commit the worst sin of marriage.

1. Men Cheat on Their Wives Because They Want Sex With Other Women

I know that sounds sorta hardcore and is a generalization, but is basically true.  Sex is a basic drive in all humans and men in particular tend to think of it more.

Knowing that he has you and can make love with you is important to him.  Knowing another woman and cheating with her in the “biblical way” satisfies certain core primal urges.

So sometimes a married man will cross the line of what he knows is wrong and go seek out sex for its own merits.  Not for love.  But for the experience of sexual satisfaction.

2. It Can Be Really Hard To Forgive Your Husband If He Was Tempted and Lured Away

It happens.  Another woman makes it her mission to catch his eye.  And given that “men want sex”, it doesn’t take for a guy to fall under another woman’s spell.

In most cases, a happily married man will resist because he loves you and is happy and satisfied with all you give him.

But even the most loving and caring of men can have a weak moment if all the right things fall in place and the other woman is determined to woo him and entice him to have sex with her.

3. Forgiving An Affair Is Made Harder When You Suspect Your Husband is Dissatisfied With Your Love Life

Talk about adding insult to injury.

What is interesting about this is that while your husband may feel like there is a lot of room for improvement in the area of your love life, when I talk with some women about this topic, they too will complain that their husband is not satisfying them sexually in the way they desire.

When it comes to sex, a couple can easily have a disconnect, with neither of them meeting the other’s needs.  The lack of communication is sometimes the problem, but of course this is a big topic and lots of things can influence a couple’s sexual compatibility.

But sometimes, when a husband feels he is neglected in the bedroom, he will go off seeking satisfaction elsewhere.  Again, it’s most often a physical thing and not because he doesn’t adore you.

4. He Says He Cheated Because He No Longer Loves You

It is a horrible thought to consider.

Is it possible that your husband has fallen out of love with you and worse, that he has fallen in love with this other women he is having an affair with.

Yep, if your husband utters those words, it can make it pretty tough to ever forgive him.

But let me tell you something important.

When men tell you that they are not sure if they still love you in the same way or that have found another woman who is their true soul mate, much of the time it turns out not to be true.

5. He Says He Has No Clue Why He Cheated On You?

Before you spit in his face and throw him out because you are so disgusted, just know that men do stupid things all the time.  We all commit foolish acts.  He sincerely may not truly be in touch with his feelings.   His struggle in explaining why he was unfaithful may be legitimate.

Or it is possible he knows exactly why he committed adultery and just doesn’t want to tell you.  Could it be that underlying deception again coming from him.   It is a slippery slope when we start analyzing the psychology of another’s actions.

You will be left with questions like:

  • Is He Telling Me the Truth?

The answer is he probably isn’t telling you the whole story. Consider that he is in survival mode and lying about some things.

  • Does He Even Know What He Wants?

The truth is your husband may be quite confused about what he wants and could be operating on automatic pilot without any thought of consequences.

  • Does He Have A Clue How His Betrayal Is Tearing Me Apart?

Your guy may be so into himself that he is clueless. He may be so caught up in this affair that he can’t see or think straight. He just keeps doing the naughty, hoping he won’t get caught.

  • Can He Ever Be Trusted Again To Not Enter Into Another Affair?

The answer is most likely that the chances of him cheating again are somewhat higher than just before he started his initial affair.  Don’t put it past him to rationalize his behavior in some bizarre way to make it feel right in his heart and mind.

  • Does It Even Matter So Much Why He Did It?

You bet it matters.  You should have zero tolerance for this kind of behavior and knowing why he did it can potentially help you and your husband to avoid future cheating episodes.

  • Should I Forgive My Husband If He Says It Was A Casual Thing?

Absolutely not, at least not for awhile.  If your husband insists that the affair meant nothing and it was just a casual fling, stop him in mid sentence.  Walk out of the room. He doesn’t deserve your time in that moment.  When men say that the other woman doesn’t mean anything to them, they are either lying or they are trying to play down the awful things they did.

  • Is My Husband Just a Sexual Beast – Skipping From One Affair To the Next?

There is no justification for any husband to skip from one affair to another, over and over again, like it is something they can’t stop.  If your husband has a clinical, psychological sexual disorder then he needs to get treatment.  Otherwise, something needs to change fast because it is entirely dysfunctional when a husband thinks he has a license to cheat.

How Long Will It Take You To Get Over Your Husband’s Affair?

time to get past pain

You might be asking yourself how long it will take you to forgive your husband for betraying you.   To forgive a cheating spouse it is going to take a lot of time and will power and the spirit of forgiveness won’t wash all over you until you are satisfied he is truly regretful and has taken actions to rebuild trust.

The forgiveness part won’t happen for a while.

And getting over all the bad memories and physical hurts from him cheating on you won’t happen overnight either.

It won’t necessarily take you exactly 6 months to get over his cheating ways.  Nor can I say that it will take you less than 6 months to heal all your wounds and get the marriage on a better track.

And I am not going to be fatalistic either and tell you that it will take you years and years to get over the pain and distrust of your spouse’s infidelity.

It doesn’t work that way.  Every situation is different.

But eventually forgiving him is important. You must do this not just to help the marriage work, but you need to do it for yourself.

Healing From Betrayal

You don’t want to carry that burden of resentment of his betrayal with you for the rest of your life.

Your husband will have to learn to forgive himself  too.  I know, you might be thinking, “why does my husband have to forgive himself?”

It turns out, that in most of these cases, the men who cheat on their wives carry a burden of guilt.  As they should because what they did was wrong.  But healing needs to come to them too.

Marriage affairs just muck up everything. There will be a lot of healing to go around.

Here are some things you can do to help yourself to get over the emotional struggles of being cheated on.

5 Things You Can Do To Get Past All the Hurts of Learning of His Affair

get some alone time

Consider doing each of these things if you want to move on from his adulterous ways.

It’s worth it if you think you want to be with your husband in the future.  And even if you plan on leaving him, you will still need to get your mind and emotions in better working order.

Remember, there is not surefire cure for putting it all behind you.  Honestly, it never completely will fade from your mind.

But there are Steps you can take to bring some peace into your life if he cheated on you.

Step 1: Take Some Time To Be With Yourself

You will need to spend some quality time by yourself.  Just figuring out what has happened and what it all means is going to be overwhelming.  So go some place for a few hours to be alone.

Step 2: It’s Important To Release Your Pain

Have a good cry.  It’s OK. It is an emotionally healthy thing for you to do.

What has happened to you hurts tremendously and you need to release it.  Later you may wish to take some extended time away from your husband to gather more of your thoughts and begin a fuller healing process.

That might not be the right approach for everyone who have been stung by the discovery that their husband has been unfaithful to them.  It may not even be practical, depending on your situation.  But instead of trying to immediately hash it all out with him, just get away and clear out your mind.

It could be hours or days.  It depends on your situation.

If you are not the crying type, then do something physical like a long walk or bike ride.  Running and working out in some way, particularly in the days following the revelation of your husband’s affair, can be very helpful with coping.

Step 3: Don’t Do Anything Rash As It Will ONLY Add To The Chaos Around Discovering He Had An Affair

  • Your emotions will fly high when you learn what he did.  Don’t compound things by doing or saying something rash. (e.g. “We are finished”, “I want you to pack and leave”, “I want a divorce”, etc.)
  • If you insist on knowing every detail about his affair, things will go downhill fast for you both. There is just some stuff you don’t need to hear.
  • You will be really upset and vulnerable when you learn of his betrayal, so don’t turn to drugs or alcohol to get relief.
  • Remember, you didn’t do anything wrong.  He did.
  • Do not succumb to any urges to withdrawal all the money from the bank and cash him out.  You would be creating financial Armageddon.
  • Do seek out an effort to get revenge by having your own affair.
  • Panic attacks can occur if you become hysterical so remove yourself from any environment that can blow up.
  • Don’t beg for him to stay or don’t insist he must leave this other woman immediately.  Of course that needs to happen, but it is important that he initiates this conversation and convinces you its over and means it.  There will be time later to work out the details (as a couple) on confirming and validating that the other relationship has truly ended.
  • Don’t act like a victim or play the victim role.  Yes, what your husband did by cheating on you was awful and wrong.  But if you get pulled into acting the victim, you open yourself to become one again in the future.

Step 4:  Don’t Immediately Commit To Forgiving Him

Part of you may think it would be best to just let your husband know you still love him and forgive him for taking up with this other woman.

I know you probably still love him.  But forgiveness for such an act should not come easily.

Don’t think that by blurting out that you still stand by him and forgive him and will just forget it happened, will make things better for you or him.

It won’t.  It won’t because it isn’t real.

Our minds and hearts don’t work that way.

First of all, you have your own processing and healing period you need to get through before you are even ready to offer forgiveness and that will take a while.

And forgiveness granted to a cheating spouse is not something freely given away.

It is something that your husband will have to earn through his actions and behaviors and commitment to prove to you that he will be faithful.

Step 5: Consider Getting Counseling From An Affair Expert

You might be able to work out things on your own.  Rebuilding trust and repairing the damage will always take some time, no matter how you go about it.

But this can be a difficult topic to talk about and work through, so sometimes it can help you get over your husband’s affair if you are working with someone who has experience in such matters.

Will The Pain of Infidelity Ever Go A Way?

future holds promise

You might be thinking that the pain of your husband’s infidelity will never go away.  That you will be forever stuck in a place where you can never learn to trust your husband.

Thinking of offering forgiveness to your husband after his infidelity may be the furthermost thing in your mind.

But know that the angry, bitter, unsettled, confusing, and depressing slate of emotions you are going to deal with will eventually subside.

Life keeps moving forward and we cannot allow ourselves to dwell in self-pity and the bad, dark places.

A Better Place To Go

Yes, the pain won’t just dissipate easily.  What he did may never be forgotten.  His affair may have permanently damaged your marriage.

But you will learn to move forward. Take whatever path you choose to take, with or without your husband.

You may find yourself asking, “what can I do If I can’t get over his infidelity?”

Just keep reminding yourself the pain from the past will subside and soon you will be facing new challenges.

Life marches on. Keep your focus on those things that fulfill you.  Soak up enjoyment.  It is a choice.

My Husband Cheated Twice – Should I Stay With Him?

should I keep him

How do you forgive a cheating husband who twice has taken up with women?

He has burned you once.  Now it has happened again.  It could be worse. Maybe your husband has cheated on you multiple times.

Is he worth fighting to keep?

I think the answer is probably No, for most people.  There may not be much to gain if you can’t believe in your husband when it comes to the most intimate aspects of your marriage.

Having to recover from a man’s cheating ways can seem unbearable.  Imagine having to deal with a man who breaks your heart knowingly, over and over again.

Is you husband worthy of forgiveness?

In some cases, it becomes futile to keep giving him another chance.  There may come a point where the measure of your own self-respect comes under fire.

Will he or can he ever stop having affairs?

If he has been carrying on with the ladies throughout the marriage, maybe you should you just end things.

What is left of the marriage when a husband has multiple flings and shows little remorse?

Probably not much.

To help you with working through this, consider these Points before you make a definitive decision on your next steps.

10 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Giving Up On Your Husband for Having Multiple Affairs

before giving up

  1. Does he see and meet up with women because he wants to hurt and shame me?
  2. Has my husband lost all self-respect and cares little for his marriage?
  3. Will forgiving him again for his affairs give him license to go out and do it again?
  4. Has he really learned his lesson this time or is he just telling me what he thinks I want to hear?
  5. Can I continue to live and remain married to a man who behaves in this way?
  6. Am I in denial about his actions because the reality is he will never change?
  7. Will I be happier if he was not in my life?
  8. Is the second time he cheated on me with the same woman he had an affair with the first time around?
  9. How is the rest of the marriage and can I live with the possibility that he will be unfaithful again?
  10. Will I be able to forgive myself for remaining in a marriage in which my husband knowingly commits adultery and continues to lie about it?

Obviously, the answers to all of these questions will be different for each person and given the highly personal nature of this problem and for what is at stake, I encourage you to take a good deal of time processing through your feelings to arrive at what is best for you and your family.

My Husband Doesn’t Respect Me and Is Selfish and Inconsiderate

Do you ever roll over in bed wondering how you ended up with a husband that is lazy and selfish?

The other day a woman named Leslie reached out to me.  Her story was about a marriage that was breaking apart at the most basic of levels.

It is more than reasonable to expect that the person you are married to will meet the minimum threshold of treating you with kindness and courtesy.

This is what we all come to expect before we even get married.  Treat me lovingly.  Talk to me like I am your equal.  Show me your respect and offer kindness at every opportunity.

love me tender

These are the pillars in which marriages are erected.  If those things are not happening with great frequency, why get married?

But what if after some years of being married you are left asking, “why is my husband so selfish and inconsiderate“?  What if you are left wondering if your husband’s insensitivity to your feelings is a reflection of more bad times to come?

If this is what is going down between you and your husband (or wife) then it is a bad place to be marriage wise.

Leslie share her story with me and it was heart breaking.


I hate it when I hear these stories about spouses mistreating each other such that one or both of them revert to their uglier selves.

I know we are all capable of being “our ugly self”, but when it happens with great repetition in a relationship, it is almost always a harbinger of a looming breakup.

Leslie writes…

Chris, I am so glad you are out there to help us ladies who are stuck with men who show little interest in behaving themselves.  When things go wrong in my marriage, I am left fending off unfair accusations and other assertions meant to intimidate me.  My husband can revert to his worse instincts when troubles arise.  With very little provocation, my husband can be thoughtless and selfish, unwilling to show the respect and honor I deserve.

She listed out a number of things that she was unhappy about.

My husband does not respect my boundaries or my privacy.  It has only gotten worse through the years.  If he hates me that much, why stay around?   When he is wrong about something, he will get right into my face and try to shout me down.  It is a sickening display of my husband trying to be a brute.

Leslie is currently taking care of her small child.  Though she is a very capable woman, whose career has blossomed, she decided to take some time off to care for and raise up her child.

Her brute of a husband, as she described him, was OK with all of that in the beginning.  But he seems to have little appreciation for how hard it to do all of the things it takes to care for an infant.  In reality, we all know it can be exhausting on so many levels.

But according to her husband, she had it easy.

He would just throw it out there in the form of a cheap shot if he was unhappy with something, insisting her life was stress free.  He would pick arguments in order to debate his points.

“You just sit on your ass all day and meanwhile I am not seeing any progress with the kid.  When are they suppose to start walking.  Can’t you do more. What are you doing wrong all the time with his nap.  He never goes down.”

That is how she described the callous way her husband spoke to her.

Really cruel (and stupid) assertions about such things became a common complaint.

Such hurtful words, particularly when they are repeated over and over gain, can take a toll on one’s self-esteem.

Stop Picking on Me

I reassured her that it is just downright wrong and mean for anyone to disrespect a young wife who temporarily has sacrificed her career to focus on her child.

My husband does not respect me as a stay at home mom”, Leslie explained to me.  “And he is all too eager to talk down to me like what I do is so easy.  He has no clue and refuses to help when he gets home from work. All it get is complains.  Just a big mouth guy.  I call him Mr. Petty, because that is what he is.  A mean, petty guy.”

I don’t even know where to start.  I think he regrets having our child and has anger issues. It has changed our lifestyle for sure.  But I see my baby as a blessing.  He wasn’t this bad in the beginning.  I am really weary,” she said.

“He has me thinking I am not doing a good enough job or that what I say is hard and exhausting, shouldn’t really be that difficult.  One part of me understands that being a Mom at home is big time job.  But my husband’s tone can be so demeaning and his insistence that I am just awful at what I do really hurts and has me second guessing”.

Of course, since I have some experience with this as a father who works from home,  I know how incredibly taxing it is to care for a youngster.  It is a huge adjustment for any parent to make.

So I assured her that her husband was behaving in a very insensitive way.  I told her that if his selfish and inconsiderate behavior should persist, it did not bode well for the future.  But there were options.

Before we get into how to handle a self-absorbed and disrespectful husband, I want to discuss what a lack of respect might look like in different relationships.

What is amazing to me is that I often get questions from women who explain what is happening in their marriage.

Some of the stuff I hear is awful.  Sadly, these women are pushed around so much that their confidence and self-image suffers in a big way.

After hearing what they have to say – some of which are very sad tales – it would be fair to say this problem is not rare.

I have strong feelings about this topic because it one of the most destructive patterns that can take hold of a marriage.

I think of these patterns as Marriage Busters.

Let me give you some examples of how selfishness manifests itself in marriage.

What Does a Bad Marriage Look Like?

an unhappy wife

You are probably wondering what you should do when respect, courtesy, and plain old good manners has abandoned the marriage?

This is the question I posed to Leslie.

You might be wondering how to change your selfish husband, right?

It is not enough to tell me or your close friends that “my husband doesn’t show me respect anymore”.

It might feel good to get that out, I explained, but what is most important is how will you change his behavior, such that you are no longer being victimized by him being a bad boy?

We are not talking about him straightening up his act for a few days.  What is needed is an approach that jars your husband to a new reality.

You might say to yourself, “my husband seldom respects me or my feelings.

You might stay up nights fretting how to deal with being married to such an inconsiderate man.

But until he knows that he can’t keep behaving this way – that you are now adopting a zero tolerance policy –  he will just keep misbehaving, without any fear of consequence.

Disrespect and lack of consideration, these are the vices of selfish men.

If you are like Leslie, who came to me and explained how her husband made her feel small and insignificant, then I want you to know that you have options.

“My husband disrespect me in public and refuses to change”, she elaborated.

He gets his kicks out of belittling me“, she explained.

I told her what she had described was not just a marriage that was coming off its tracks, but even more concerning to me was that her man was exhibiting all the characteristics of a selfish, abusive husband.

There should be little room for selfishness in a marriage, particularly if you are rearing a little one.

Realizing that my outrage was coming across in a very visible way, she tried to defend her husband, explaining that he was under a lot of pressure and that perhaps she was exaggerating his outbursts to some degree.

He is not bad all the time.”

Of course, the cat was already out of the bag. She had spent a few hours telling me about her husband and his selfish and contentious ways.  So I led her down a little Q & A  marriage reality test.

Did he tell you that you were worthless, I asked?

She said yes.

Did your husband publicly humiliate you at a party because you were worried about the baby?

Again, she said yes.

Does your guy get his kicks by making fun of you?  How you look?  Your weight gain?   Your cooking?  You lack of experience in caring for your child?  Doesn’t he constantly pick at you?

In this case, I struck a nerve with Leslie.

It was the wake up call I was looking for because I have seen far too many times, some really lovely and amazing women feel ashamed and therefore downplay just how abusive their husbands can be.

She told me that the biggest negative fallout from her marriage was her husband’s insistence that he was always right and if you argued his points, he would resort to belittling you.  She explained that sometimes he would get right into your physical space.

I know the selfish husband signs when I see them, I explained to her.

And I also know that two of the top marriage busters are when men or women mistreat each other, expressing little kindness and showing little consideration of the other’s needs.

She asked me what was the other marriage buster.

I explained that it is when a couple is unable to honestly talk to each other about their problems in a spirit of truly fixing it.

To me, choosing not to respect your wife’s (or husband’s) perspective is the purest form of selfishness.

We are not born to be disrespectful.  We choose to be.

So how will a couple ever improve, if they can’t have a real conversation without it breaking down into intimidation tactics, shouting, and counter accusations?

I emphasized that if an honest communication bridge cannot be erected and crossed, then the two parties in the marriage become emotionally separated. In effect, they are trapped in a loveless marriage.

They become stuck in a relationship environment that leads them to more fights and more disappointment.

And it is that cycle that ends up busting the marriage wide open.

Tell Your Husband Your Story

a marriage story you must tell

So Leslie wanted to know what she could do to save her marriage.

I was honest with her and told her she first needed to focus on learning to love herself again.  I wanted her to cast away all those ugly assertions she remembers her husband making.  Throw them in the garbage as that is where they belong.

I explained to her a paradigm shift in her marriage needed to take place.

I told her she shouldn’t ask for respect and consideration, rather she should make it understood that mutual respect in the relationship should be a condition for the marriage to go forward.

She asked, “You mean I should threaten to walk out on him or kick him out if he doesn’t treat me right?

I told her that is not quite the approach I want you to take.

“But mind you“, I explained,  “if your husband continues to repeatedly turn to belittlement and sarcasm to knock you down, it will take something major to get his attention.”

Otherwise,  why stay together because by doing so you are enabling his behavior and making yourself miserable.

For Leslie, this was a hard ask.

She and her husband had long ago fallen into this routine where he too often disrespected her and  was getting away with it.  It seemed to happen in waves.  Not always, but if certain conditions were present, her husband retreated into his negative self.

I know he is selfish and I have told him to straighten up his act.  But after a few good days, something usually goes haywire and I end up having to deal with his outbursts.  I have almost just given up trying to change him and have resigned myself to this is the way he is.

I told her that it is not usually enough to ask someone to change, particularly selfish people, unless they realize it benefits them to do so.

None of us are perfect angels in how we conduct ourselves in our marriage life.

It is far too easy for any of us to succumb to our worse selves and allow our bad moods to just simmer over.

Not that this happens all the time.  It usually doesn’t.

But in some marriage couplings, this lack of being a good man to your wife (or a loving wife to your husband) can afflict the marriage far to often.

It can become a routine that a wife grudgingly just accepts as something they have to put up with, while hoping their husband’s mood will brighten in due time.

So I suggested that she write down, very clearly,  examples of when her husband shows disrespect and behaves in a manner that is inconsiderate.

Call it “My Zero Tolerance List“.

Write it down like a story of statements that you have about your husband’s undesirable and selfish behaviors. Pose them as questions.

You are going to read it to him.  You will also leave it with him to read on his own. Of course, this approach  may very well provoke a reaction.  And it’s not just words that you will be reciting.  Words, however powerful they may sound, can get swept away unless they can be enforced or unless there is something that stands behind their meaning.

So what leverage do you have to encourage your husband to open up his heart and recommit to better policing himself to behave better, treating you with the utmost respect and consideration you deserve?

It is simple.  But it could be hard.

And for some couples, it is the best choice.

Either your husband gets on aboard and commits wholeheartedly to the things you are asking him to do, are you will step out of the marriage for a few weeks to consider your options.

You can use those words – “step out of the marriage” – to underscore how serious and important this matter is to you.

Now this approach is not for everyone.

My recommended action is for a wife (or husband) who is suffering tremendously from the things we have been talking about.  If such is the case, then I do think a major intervention, such as this, could be beneficial.

Also, when you are writing all this down, I want you to talk about your husband in a past tense.

Think of it as having a conversation with yourself.  Psychologically, it will do you well to remove yourself from what you are saying as you are documenting it.  This will allow you to truly capture what has been going on.

Get it all down, however upsetting it may be to recount some of the examples.

Later when you read it out loud, you will have greater perspective as to where you and your husband stand right now.  It will give you greater pause to think about why this has been going on so long and why it is critical it comes to an end.

In effect, you are going to document the ugly words and actions that your husband sometimes undertakes and that you find upsetting, belittling, even revolting.

At the end of your story, you are going to make a simple and reasonable proposal.  You are looking for him to commit that he will cease behaving in this manner.

Your story, about whatever abusive or mean-spirited behavior you have been subjected to by your husband, should be told by way of declarative statements.

Think of it as an open diary.

The idea is that as your story is read, he will visibly see the pain his words and behavior can cause.  In a way, it is an effort to help him empathize which is often a problem in these situations.

Use a tone that is objective and reinforces you love your husband very much, but don’t pull punches as to the negative behaviors he has exhibited in the past.

Remember, this document is something you want to be able to read to him and it is intended to make a big emotional splash such that your husband realizes you are deadly serious and keenly motivated to change the status quo in the marriage.

It  could start off something like this.  You can even give it a title for effect:

Return My Loving Husband To Me

I want my man back

1. What possesses my husband of all these years to shout obscenities at me when things are going wrong?  It injures me and our marriage. I love him so.  But I know his behavior must end.

2. Why does my sweet love speak to me with mean and accusatory tones?

3. What am I to do if my husband continues to question my suitability as his wife? I too often feel inadequate and underappreciated because of the way he talks to me.

4. What happened to the man who never took me for granted and spoke to me as his dearest, most respected companion?

5. What is my husband thinking inside when he makes so many belittling and negative comments about me and my capabilities?

I will stop there with my example.  But be sure to end it with a declaration that you want your marriage to be better.

You get the hang of it.

Your story could consist of 20 declarative statements or however many it takes to paint the picture of what is going on inside the marriage.

Consider this communication tactic only if all of your past efforts to get through to him has failed.  Perhaps this approach will be his wake up call, helping you both to move the marriage away from failure.

Why Can’t I Be Happy – Trapped in a Loveless Marriage

Do you ever find yourself wondering what the devil has happened in your marriage?

Are you trapped in a relationship where all the love has dissolved away?

If one was to try their hand on providing a loveless marriage definition, what might it be?

Is it when two married people who joined together to pursue a dream of living a life of happiness, raising a family, and doing those things that couples do –  discover that for any multitude of reasons that the special bond between them has been severed to such an extent that staying together seems futile?

trapped and out of love

I think that’s pretty close to capturing what happens in far too many marriages.

People who slowly fall out of love for complicated reasons (or sometimes simple, yet destructive reasons) will invariably grow apart as dissatisfaction takes root in their lives.  Why does this happen?


Perhaps the two of you were really happy at one time, but events conspired such that neither of you are all that enthused any longer; such that you find yourself thinking way to often,”why can’t I be happy.”

I was talking to a lady the other day and she wanted to explore her feelings out loud.

“Chris, why can’t I be happy with my life again.  I feel trapped in a loveless marriage.  I think he feels the same, but neither of us are ever honest about what is really going down.”

Do You Feel Your Marriage Wasting Away?

wasting away with sadness

So what should one do when you are not happy in your marriage and you know your husband is unhappy with his life?  When two people are trapped in a marriage that seems headed nowhere, shouldn’t they do something about it?

I mean let’s say you are very dissatisfied with the state of the relationship.  Let’s assume all kinds of things are going wrong.

There is way too much fussing and fighting.  You find yourself too frequently gravitating to thoughts of separation or divorce or even having an affair with this guy that fawns all over you at work.

Perhaps it also clear to both parties that all the energy and love has been sapped out of their marriage.  Feeling trapped without love and with nowhere to turn to get relief – such a predicament can be extremely disheartening and disabling.

My client kept telling me, “my husband is miserable in our marriage and so am I, but neither of us really know how to get out of this unhappy state we find ourselves in.  It is much more than a terrible bad marriage rut.  We just really don’t even like each other anymore.”

She explained how the relationship just sort of  dissolved away.  They both knew things were not jelling quite right, even before the marriage.  But she figured her husband would be more loving and she would come to draw closer to him once they vowed to be together in marriage.  But day by day, month by month, things slowly soured and it seemed that whatever they tried, it didn’t matter so much.

Then the tears flowed as she continued to struggle with “why can’t I be happy in a relationship”.

It wasn’t the first time she had gotten close to a man, only to see the relationship unravel.

Now it was all happening again and she didn’t know whether to blame herself or her husband. “I try to be happy but I can’t. It is hard to keep faking it.  We sleep together, but we are hardly a couple.  He only shows affection, if you want to call it that, when we have sex.  Then it’s like he can’t wait to get up and away from me.”

Then she tells me about desperate feelings that sometimes grips and paralyzes her with indecision in the night. It comes about with her awareness that next to her lies her sleeping husband, who she doesn’t love, and all she can think of is getting away.  But when morning arrives, it is like those empty feelings are replaced with the necessity of getting ready to go to work and do and think about those other things.


No one really wants to be alone in life.

She explained that another thing she struggles with is the idea that moving out and away from him is scary.

She will ask herself, “Is it the right solution”?

Have I done enough on my end of this marriage?”   

She explained to me that she is not good at being by herself or without someone in her life that can make her feel safe and loved.  She knew that she wasn’t getting that from her current husband.  It was truly a loveless relationship and the walls were closing in on her.

But still, she feared striking out on her own.  Starting over was scary for her.

She kept saying, “why can’t I be happy single.  I don’t need these complications that marriage brings into my life.  What if  I leave to be on my own and then get depressed?  Where would I go?  Would he cooperate and move out?

What she was experiencing was a form of Break up Chaos.  That is what I call it.

breakup chaos

She explained that after running all these confusing breakup thoughts through her mind, she usually will become mentally exhausted and eventually just ends up caving in and going right back into the same loveless situation.

It’s not a do over.  Rather, what she is describing is akin to a negative relationship feedback loop.

She related a story of how she first knew it was all going south.

She was looking for information about relationships one day and came across a “why can’t i be happy quiz”.  She obviously was in the mood of searching for answers that might help her get a better grip on why she keeps meeting and marrying men that ultimately make her unhappy.

So by taking this loveless marriage quiz, she was hopeful it might lead her to a deeper understanding of why she couldn’t seem settle into a happy and satisfying relationship.

That is all she really wanted.

She wanted to be part of a man’s life and feel loved and cared for.  But she wanted him to respect her own needs.  She was a keenly intelligent woman who enjoyed her career and had opinions and interests in many areas.  So she wanted a man who understood her on a simple emotional level, yet also appreciated the complexity of who she was and what fulfilled her.

Well, she had not found that yet.  So by taking this marriage quiz on love and love lost, a part of her was hoping it would point to something that would spark an insight.  It wasn’t like she expected this little survey to be her savior and cause her to overhaul her view of marriage.

She knew what marriages could become and when it can be good and bad.  What she was looking for had more to do with confirmation of what she already knew deep inside.

You see, in her present marriage, just as in her previous relationship, the husband she settled down with was a poor match for her in couple of important areas.

She and her husband’s values did not align which is usually a predictor of marriage friction.

On top of that, they had vastly different interests.  He was super into sports and weightlifting.  Working out was his thing.  Her husband was a doer.  His thinking was more often one-dimensional and he didn’t have much patience or curiosity for what others were up to.  He was more into himself.

She on the other hand was very active in volunteer work in her community and engaged in the local political scene.  She enjoyed that work because it gave he purpose. Her family had encouraged her when she was younger to give back.

If those relationship mismatches weren’t enough to tax the marriage, the biggest hurdle for them both was their different views on displays of affection.


She loved to hug and kiss and he was often put off by any displays of such emotion in public and seldom (in her view) did he make her feel loved behind closed doors.

To put it mildly, their emotional connection was terribly strained which led to her view that she was stuck in a marriage without love.  There was little effort on her husband’s end to make her feel valued.

Confronting Your Reasons For Staying in a Loveless Marriage

hanging around too long in marriage

So why do people stay in such marriages if the wheels have fallen off?

Well, it is often for numerous reasons.

In a lot of these cases, the marriage fuse is short with both parties sometimes stuck in reverse.  The fear of the next incident unfolding such that it causes yet another marriage blow up lies close to the surface.

Some of the reasons why unhappily married couples don’t break up for sometimes the longest of times is the insecurity of  doing something big.

Most couples don’t want to rock the marriage if it is already wobbly.

They seek to patch things up, only to later rip off the bandages and fight it all out again.  Little fixes to solve big problems get your nowhere.

Sometimes it is the idea of being alone that is more frightening to some.  So they hold back on doing what part of their mind says they need to do.

Financial reasons also contributea to why men and women stay in loveless and sexless marriages.

By the way, how do you define a sexless marriage?

Is it one in which neither the husband or wife are making love with each other?

Is it the kind of relationship in which the very thought of having sex is completely ruled out because each party hates the other and have their own rooms?

Well, if that is what you are thinking, I think we largely agree.  But I also see a sexless marriage as one in which sex may happen on occasion, but it is rare and is followed immediately by regret.

Just the inertia of being married and being somewhat of a slave to your routines,  can cause couples to keep repeating the same mistakes, hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.

I know it sounds self-destructive that unhappy couples can so easily get locked into negative and hostile patterns.  It is as if they can’t bring themselves to end things, even when one or both feel there is little hope and the love between the pair has all but vanished. But this sort of thing happens every day.

Another somewhat irrational fear that keeps the madness of a troubled marriage moving forward is the couple may be afraid of what others might think of them.

“What will my parents think if I was to divorce him? 

“How will it look to my friends that we have been lying to them all these years about the real truth of our marriage?”

So how do you survive a loveless, sexless marriage?

When you know you are both unhappily married, what can you do to bring your misery to a close.

Should you rush out to the nearest bookstore and bury yourself into a bunch of loveless marriage quotes with the hope it will lift you up and move you to do something big?

I don’t think that is going to get you very close to the happiness you seek.

The way I see it, there are three tracks you can take.

3 Paths You Can Take To Break Out of  Your Damaging Relationship Cycle

3 ways out of relationship

1. You can say enough is enough and insist that something substantial occur which will  bring about meaningful change, such that you both can actively work on your marriage.  Taking a last stand not just for yourself, but for the very survival of the marriage is a worth endeavor.  In effect, with this approach you are drawing a line in the sand, saying if we can’t make  this work in x amount of time, then let’s agree we are only further damaging ourselves. And if that is the case, why wouldn’t you go your separate ways?  It is a touch question and an important one.  When do you finally call it quits?

2. Another relationship track you can take is to accept that you have done all the things you should have done to make it work.  And if that is true and yet the two of you are still carrying on as two loveless souls living together in the same house, then you should just face the music and accept the marriage is pointless.

3. A third path is to do little to nothing about your situation and remain in a pointless and loveless marriage, marking the days as they go by.  As I mentioned before, such an approach to a “screwed up marriage” is a sad and disturbing pattern taken by far too many women and men.  Obviously, I don’t want you taking this approach as it only leads to ruin.  But it is an easy “out” and I see couples go in this direction every day.

The 5 Signs That You Are Trapped in a Miserable and Loveless Marriage

trapped in marriage chaos

  1. Your husband (or wife) screams at you far too frequently and doesn’t seem to care how it affects you.  He resorts to such bullying tactics over and over again.
  2. You get up one day and realize years have gone by and your husband (or wife) has never told you he loves you and really meant it.  It is like you are brother and sister living together.  Connected by a bond, but love has long since disappeared from you lives.
  3. Your husband (or wife) constantly picks on you and tells you that you have no backbone and should leave the marriage.  He is practically encouraging you to end the relationship.  Why?  Because he is probably to cowardly to deal with the problems head on and wants to get out or keep the status quo.  Or maybe he is angry and wants to hurt you.  Unfortunately, some men take a perverse joy out of making their wife squirm.  Either way, such actions point to a highly dysfunctional relationship.
  4. Both of you are having affairs.  Your husband may flaunt his in the open as a way to hurt you as retribution for you own the affair (or likewise).   Cheating happens more often in marriages than you probably realize.  When both the husband and wife are involved in love affairs, it spells much more than big trouble for your marriage.  It suggests the very foundation of the relationship is broken.
  5. You both recognize that the marriage is bad for each of you and both of you talk frequently about it openly.  There is an admission that the passion is gone and so too is the love. While misery may not color each of your days, when a couple can honestly tell each other they just don’t feel the same way toward each other and conflict and unhappiness follows each of you around, it may be time to go down a different path.

5 Things You Can Do To Escape an Unhappy Relationship

moving away from broken vows

  1.  Once it is clear that your marriage is failing miserably, then it’s time to meet with your husband or wife and put all your cards on the table and come up with a separation plan.  Now the trick is knowing when it’s time, right?  You sure don’t want to quit the marriage just because you both feel trapped. There may be personal problems or illness or other issues that are contributing to your misery scale.  So make sure the two of you have made good faith efforts to resolve your problems before pulling the cord.
  2.  If the environment is hostile and toxic, just leave.  If there is physical violence of any kind, then leave.  If for example, your husband is abusing you verbally, telling you how worthless you are then walk.  If the marriage is in shambles from so many unresolved fights, then walk out and leave.  There is always an opportunity to later reconcile if that turns out to be something you want.  But there come a point in every marriage where enough is enough.  If your relationship is broken in half because of a hostile husband (or wife) then don’t stay.  Develop and execute your exit plan.
  3.  Sign up for marriage counseling with a plan and scheduled date to end the relationship if meaningful progress is not made.  Sometimes it is easy for you or your partner to agree to “work on things”.  Perhaps you are both committed to seeing a marital therapist. Maybe each of you agreed to a formal list of improvement actions.  And while both of you may be well-intentioned, the gravity and weight of past routines and patterns can cause you both to resume your old, unhealthy marriage behaviors. The way to break through this troubling pattern is by agreeing on a date in which you both have to concur with whether the marriage is back on a better track.  If not, then the action should be to separate.  This approach makes what the two of you are trying to achieve very real and you are more likely to hold yourselves and each other accountable for making progress.
  4. Tell your spouse that you are miserable and unhappy because the marriage is failing.  Explain you are not quite ready to give up, but you are on the edge and for your own sanity and whatever future the marriage has, you are going to take a long break.   Arrange with your best friend to go on a long, extended vacation.  Maybe you take a 10 day river boat cruise in Europe. Or you can go rent a cabin in Yellowstone and draw closer to nature and the beautiful wide open spaces.  Whatever it is, this is YOUR time to heal and get away from the misery that defines your marriage.  At the same time, your husband (or wife) will now have an opportunity to think about how important the marriage is to them as well. They may not like what you are doing, but will likely soon realize you are very serious and this decision of yours represents an important crossroads. They too can experience some healing.
  5. Don’t get into one in the first place.  I know, that sounds a bit arrogant.  But here is my point.  If your loveless marriage is falling all to pieces and misery follows you around, then chances are good that the relationship will end.  But now you will be on a new path.  And on this new path, you will have an opportunity to meet a new man or woman who can satisfy your needs – a partner that you are more compatible with on many levels.  So take your experience and make sure this time you choose better.  And you can do this because you will have gained so much wisdom from your prior experiences.  You will know your own needs better and the chances of having a very satisfying relationship with a special person best suited for you becomes real and achievable.


What Is Wrong With Our Marriage – Trouble In the Bedroom

Do you ever find yourself looking at your relationship and asking, “why am I not happily married?”

Is your sex life deteriorating?

Do you ever stare at yourself in the mirror each morning and wonder “where did it go wrong?”

where did it all go wrong with him

Do you find yourself asking, “why is my husband so clueless. He acts like he doesn’t even notice that our marriage isn’t working.

Is it worth hanging on?  What should I do?” you might ask yourself.

When you look around do you see signs of an empty, perhaps even a sexless marriage in which neither of you are doing enough to solve the problems.

Is the relationship between you and your husband (or wife) becoming more strained?

growing apart from him

That’s a lot to chew on isn’t it?

So let’s go back to the part about troubles in the bedroom because it is there where we will learn about a bigger truth.

Do you and your husband have issues around sex?

Do you feel somewhat pressured to go along with having sex, just to get it over with?

Does he complain about not being satisfied?

Are You Stuck in a Loveless Marriage?

Or are their other types of sexual compatibility troubles?

There is not always agreement on the cause of sexual or intimacy issues in a marriage.  Sometimes, there are two different viewpoints that are advanced and it often breaks down according to gender.

Is the problem in the bedroom due to you not getting enough sex (one guy’s perspective) or is it because you are not receiving sufficient emotional support and tenderness in the marriage thereby causing lovemaking to become mechanical and uninspiring (one woman’s perspective)?

Without a doubt, this is not an easy topic to navigate because there are a lot of variables at play and we are dealing with such an intimate and vulnerable act.

But we are going to forge ahead and you will learn that the secret of great love making is about something very fundamental.

We Are Having Bedroom Issues In Our Marriage –  I Don’t Know What To Do

he doesn't desire me

There are plenty of marriages out there that are falling way short of realizing a deep and complete sexual bond.

And just about every one of them can make improvements.

If you are dealing with a sexual issue of some kind, then the first thing you should realize is that the quality of your sexual bond with your spouse (i.e. your willingness to  frequently participate and enjoy sex with your partner) in many ways is connected to how you and your partner engage with each other in other parts of the marriage.

Talking, touching, showing tenderness, listening, expressing understanding, offering empathy and exhibiting kindness….these are all things that connect us and facilitate wonderful sexual experiences.

The trick is that these things need to happen with consistency before the sex act.

OK,  so it’s not really a trick.

That is a bad choice of words!

Doing those things I described above are foundational.  Without them, you and your lover will be missing out on a lot of good sex.

Intimacy Troubles In The Bedroom

A woman came to me the other day and told me she and her husband were having problems in bed.

My approach was not to ask first about their sex life.   Delving into matters of how they optimized arousal and attraction is seldom a good place to start.

I have written a book about boosting arousal so I could talk all day about that topic.  But that is not really where you want to begin when seeking to understand what might be the crux of their intimacy issues.

How To Turn On Your Lover

I prefer to take a more holistic view of things around sexuality and arousal.

You almost always have to peel back some of the layers of the marriage to see what is really going on.

Most often, the central issue resides not between the sheets, but rather it is what is happening during the course of the day when husband and wife are interacting.

Let’s me give you an example.

Let’s say you come to me and tell me there is something wrong with your marriage.  You explain that things between you and your husband have been bad for awhile. You say leaving this bad marriage is not an option.

You want to make it better.  You want everything to be better because you love your husband and you want him to be happy, but you also hunger for fulfillment.

Not just sexual fulfillment, but you want to be happily married in all respects.

You cry and wonder out loud, “why do good marriages suddenly go bad?”  You plead for clarity to focus on those things to make it better. “What am I doing wrong in my relationship“, you ask out loud?

Is my husband dissatisfied with me and our sex lifeHe won’t say? All I know is I feel him slipping away, becoming disinterested in me.  He seems angry and turned off.  Have I rejected him to often?  We are not always on the same page when it comes to our sex life.  I want him back, but I want him to change too because he isn’t always there for me.

Is the sexual connection between these two the problem?

Should we strip bare what these two are doing in the night, analyzing each step and stage of their lovemaking process?

Or is there something else that is creating this dysfunction?

Where The Marriage Took the Wrong Turn

marriage gone awry

So let’s continue this story.

You have already put a lot of yourself into the marriage, seeking to make it the best it can be.  You know it’s imperfect.

You are not a quitter and just because something is off with your marriage, doesn’t mean you are going to throw it into the dumper and start again.

Sore spots in a marriage can arise easily.

Issues around sexual chemistry and agreement on frequency are matters that almost all couples face.

Connecting With Your Spouse

We just don’t throw in the towel and start looking for someone else.

But it is not always about the mechanics of the sexual act.  And chemistry between two lovers is born from things that happen way before they climb into bed with each other.

Relationships are not inherently easy.  We have to work at them.  We have to find the right match in order to optimize success.

Two people who come into each other’s lives and commit to joining together emotionally and physically….hey that is always easy to pull off and make work for the long haul.

Eventually, the couple will go through rough patches and some bad relationship routines will begin to form.

But I am getting a little ahead of myself because to fully appreciate how you and your husband came to be where you are in the relationship, we need to turn the clock dial back again and get a sense of how things came to be.

How It All Started

our fairy tale beginning

Let’s assume you are a woman reading this.

Let’s say you meet a man and you fall deeply in love.  Both of you adore the other. You do all the things lovers do. Sex is great. Happiness and glory is spilling out of you both.  You see nothing but a great future.

This would be the beginning of the bond in which the two of you seek to become one.

Once you have invested a part of your soul into your mate, not to mention your dreams and aspirations, a bond is formed.

Hopefully you chose wisely, because like it or not, this is where you planted your flag and we all know that going back and retracing your steps to start over again is no picnic.

But in almost all marriages, these early happy days will be later followed by the days of becoming the married drones.


What was that?

Married drones?

What is that, you might ask.

Let me make it clear.  I am not a pessimist.

But in my experience, almost every couple goes through various marital stages,  with the drone period of marriage being the most common.

The best way I can demonstrate this is taking you through an imaginary stream of consciousness.

So imagine that the excitement of the married life you first entered into, sort of peels away and gives in to the steady, drone like beat of:

wake up, it’s another day, let’s get on with our morning chores.  Let’s get dressed and go to work.  Who is dropping off the kids.  Why do I always feel rushed for time?  I still don’t feel good about what he said last night.  I am pushing that out of my mind right now. Goodness, it’s already time to go.  Let me quickly grab a hug and kiss.  Off we are to the races.”  

Finally you get home and hope that you are not too tired or stressed to enjoy your evening.  Then something bad happens and you say to yourself:

“Ouch, we had a bit of fight tonight.  I wish things were better. He never listens and seems distant.  I don’t want to talk to him anymore about this.  It’s always ends up the same.  I think I am getting a little angry here. Oh well, I will deal with it later. OK, let’s make some food.  Gee, we are not talking much.  I am feeling a little sad. He wears me out.  Let’s turn in for the night.  It would be nice to have some makeup sex, but I really don’t want to.  I know he wants sex, but I am not feeling it.  I forgot something.   I am going to have to get up early to do it.  Oh, look how late it is. I hope I can sleep.  I wonder what he is thinking.  My goodness, it’s morning already.”

So like drones or some scene in the movie Groundhog Day, we just keep reliving a lot of the same things.

Doing the same things.

Making the same little mistakes of not resolving little hurts or spending quality time with our partner and working through little resentments.

The negative entropy acting on the marriage can slowly takes its toll.  Meanwhile, we just keep falling back into our regular, clockwork like routines.

As another day has dawned, we wake up to face yet another series of routines and off we go into our own little worlds only later to be joined together again, perhaps eager to see each other or possibly fearful of having to deal with an uncooperative, non-supportive spouse.

It really depends on where you are in the marriage.  You could be in the happy and growing stage, the drone stage, the rebuilding stage, or god forbid, the tear it down stage.

Just know that even the best of marriages are vulnerable to each of these stages.

Because that is what we do.  We are creatures of habit.  That can be good or bad, depending on the act or behavior and whether the routines are healthy.

We all try to make things better, but the complexity of our lives and the sometimes fragile nature of our emotions and circumstances can take a toll on the finer workings of our marriage.

And on and on we go.

Do it often enough, without breaking the negative patterns that can too easily form, you too can become a victim of the marriage drone syndrome!

Why Do Couples Lose Intimacy – Has Sex Become a Marriage Chore?

not pleasing him in bed

The trajectory of your married lives can take on predictable patterns.  If you keep a journal or diary, you can actually capture it.  It might read, “yet another day”.

And as I explained earlier, these patterns almost always lead to a period in which your behavior within the marriage can become almost drone like.

You find yourself doing and repeating, in workman like fashion, the same kind of things.

There can be a comfort to this pattern.  Your routines can bring about some efficiency.  They can make you feel safe.

But they can also lead to monotony and a lack of spark in the marriage.  A certain drudgery can take over and define your marriage.

The relationship can become boring.  Listless.  Your marriage can lack spontaneity.  The things you do together can become stale, leading to a decline in the amount of time you spend together because we naturally gravitate to things that we get joy from.

So where do marriages go bad?

Well, there are lots of twists and turns that can lead to trouble.

Let’s talk about the level of sexual intimacy that should exist in a marriage

How are things in the bedroom?

How is your sex life?

Are you satisfied.

Is he touching you and pleasing you in the way you really want him to?

Do you often turn your husband away for reasons that are far too complicated  to tackle here?

Does he seem to lack interest and seldom initiates?

Does he know how to turn you on, often?

Is your husband excited to be with you and do you look forward to every lovemaking opportunity?

Or do you look for ways to escape his clutches?

If there is one telltale sign of a failing marriage, it is usually when you have trouble in the bedroom.

Having really good sex with your husband or wife is usually a reflection of the quality of your marriage.

Not always, but it is a leading indicator.

If you were to take one of those many bad marriage tests or compatibility surveys you can find all over the internet, invariably one of the questions asked is how is he in bed.

OK,  I admit my choice of words might be a bit indelicate.  Usually a marriage assessment or your therapist will ask if you and your husband (or wife) have a satisfying sex life.

If one wishes to get really personal, questions will be asked about how often the two of you engage in sex, who initiates it, what positions you employ, and how fulfilling you find the sex act.

But if your marriage therapist is really smart, they will try to learn about what is going on with the rest of your marriage.

You see what often happens is that a couple can go along for a long time doing all those things that married couples do.  Things like carving out a life for themselves, having children, pursuing individual careers, and chasing after happiness and fulfillment.

After all, that’s what we all live for when you think about it.  As individuals, we seek that which can make us fulfilled and content.  We pull people into our orbit that we enjoy being with.

Which of course leads us to this whole marriage thing, right!

But along the way, the relationship can get off track.  Troubles emerge.

How do you patch it back together?

Where Sex Really Begins

sex really starts with showing love

Let’s say you are a lovely woman, filled with aspirations and anticipation of living the fullest and happiest life you can experience.

Along the way, in this journey you are taking, you meet what you think is a wonderful man.  You get married and you and your husband now join together to tackle this thing we call “life”.

Now since we are all sensual creatures, we enjoy touching and being touched, both physically and emotionally.    So when there are problems in the bedroom it is natural to look at things like technique and style.

I mean, yes, it’s about those things.

To get turned on and excited, there has to be a hunger and a desire and you and your husband (or wife) both need for those sexual hormones to be flowing.  That certainly enhances the experience.  What you do and how you do it makes a difference.

But there is something else that is even more important that has to be in place.

The trigger for great sex usually starts much earlier.

Sexual desire is only optimized if the two of you are doing the other things that makes a couple close.

What I am talking about is the importance of optimizing the emotional connection.  That is what real intimacy is all about.

I am talking about practicing quality communications, offering kindness,  and showing tenderness.  Doing these things consistently throughout the day, each and every day, builds a foundation in which your sexuality can more easily spring forth.

One of my clients, Alice, reached out and asked, “how do I know if I’m in the right or wrong relationship if bedroom issues continue to plague us?  What am I doing wrong between the sheets because I am just not into it with him.  Part of me wants to, but another part just wants to get it over with.  I can sense it and he can sense it and it just makes the whole thing uncomfortable.  I didn’t have this problem with my other sexual partners.  Why are we not clicking?

Essentially she is looking for a way to fix intimacy issues in her marriage.

My point to her was that intimacy starts long before the couples get into bed.  I asked her if she and her husband were having other issues.  We discussed some of  the common marriage problems that can lead to a loss of trust and an erosion in intimacy.

She told me right off what was going on.  She said the whole sex act with him felt mechanical because it was.

The honeymoon phase was long over and the marriage had been rocking along for awhile now.  Sex had turned into something she perceived was more of a duty and part of that was because her husband was not that interested in pleasing her physically or emotionally.

He wasn’t that much into connecting with her on a deep emotional level.  When she would try to talk or even whisper to him before, during or after making love, he would hush her up and just go about his business.

Unfortunately, the intimacy issues were not just isolated to the bedroom.

They had long settled into routines in which it was just accepted that he was not going to be there for her emotionally.  So it was no surprise this problem would follow them into the bedroom.

She explained that he was not a touchy or feely kind of guy.  He took her for granted, seldom making her feel safe or supported when anxious times arrived.

Their life had become compartmentalized.  He did his thing and she quietly suffered the pain of not having a more complete marriage.

So if you are looking for real solutions for why the two of your are not clicking in bed, you won’t necessarily find the answers in sex books.

Where do problems in the bedroom emerge?

It often starts with looking at how the couple connects in other parts of the relationship (e.g. talking, listening, supporting, empathizing, expressions of love and kindness, etc).

If these things are not in play, it can depress one’s sexual appetite.  This is largely what was going on with Alice.

It isn’t strictly about satisfying your man or woman in bed.  That is usually not the origins of sexual intimacy issues.

No matter how much skill you have between the sheets, if your wife (or husband) does not feel a deep underlying connection on many levels, then neither of you will come close to realizing your sexual potential as a couple.

Making Love Throughout The Day

showing the lover every day

Given the header above, you are probably thinking that I am advocating that the solution to problems in the bedroom is that you and your husband should just make love throughout the day, right?

Just get it on all the time, every day, everywhere, right?

Do it on the dinner table.  Make wild, raw, crazy love on the carpet in the middle of the floor.  Do it on the living room couch.

Why not just take your husband and lead him into every room in the house and just do it in every possible way you can think of.

Certainly a rapturous day of lovemaking in every way and every place is going to solve all of your intimacy issues, right?

You will feel the power of each other’s sex drive and magically everything will fall in place, don’t you think?

Well, it all sounds pretty exciting, but I kinda doubt it’s going to be the cure all.

Making love can mean a lot of things.

But it does not necessarily mean that things are going well in the relationship.

There may be be times where the two of you can turn you minds off to the  relationship problems that persist and just get it on.

That is not necessarily a bad thing.

Sometimes, despite the problems that might exist elsewhere in your marriage, these kinds of sexual experiences with your husband or wife can feel really good.

I am not advocating for this kind of sexual expression.

But we should be reminded that when this happens it is our deep sexual needs and hormones that are doing most of the talking.

The more pressing reality is it doesn’t take much to depress the release of such hormones if what is going on between the two of you is not “real”.

If you and your lover are experiencing some unresolved problems in your marriage, then just know that that your sexual experience will fall short of its potential.

We all have the capability within us to consistently have a very satisfying sexual relationship with our spouse

You can get the most out of those hormones if the marriage is solid and the  feelings of intimacy passing between the two of you is natural and heartfelt.

And again, when I speak of intimacy in this respect, I am not referring to sexual intimacy and arousal.  But rather the little and big things you do to make the marriage work on a daily basis.

Things like avoiding conflict, helping and supporting each other, practicing random acts of kindness, showing consideration, touching and embracing each other throughout the day.

So while solving troubles in the bedroom can get complicated depending on the root cause (e.g. sexual dysfunction, erosion of trust due to an affair, lack of experience, etc), more often than not the issue arises from something very basic and critical.

Specifically, it is the ongoing repetition of simple and loving gestures exchanged between husband and wife that leads to satisfaction in the bedroom.

Everything I Do Annoys and Irritates My Husband – Why Is He Moody All The Time

Do you ever feel that you are constantly on edge because your husband often complains that he is annoyed?

Does your ex or husband get angry with you all the time over the smallest things?

Do you feel like anything you say or do will only serve to irritate your husband?

Are you married to a stinker of a husband who can only find fault with all that you do?

Sometimes a relationship will enter into a period in which, despite your best intentions and efforts, your husband will turn moody and fussy.

It is when he turns his fussiness upon you that things can start going south.

There is usually a good reason for why this is happening and it is not always something you are doing or saying, despite what he might say.  Remember, when people are annoyed or irritated, what they say is not always what they really feel.

angry annoyed husband

Sometimes your husband is lashing out, just to rid himself of mounting tension or stress.  That does not make it right.  And often times, such behavior is selfish and thoughtless.  But we all are imperfect and life can throw at us all kinds of little troubles.

Why Can’t I Seem To Please Him?

So that you know, just because your husband acts like he is annoyed by you all of the time and you find yourself walking on egg shells,  it does not necessarily mean you are the one at fault.  Often you are not.  It is he that is misbehaving.

It may be your husband has blown a gasket and is leaking all kinds of pent-up emotions.

Maybe he is just being a real ass.

If you are in such a predicament in which you feel helpless as to what to do, just remember that your are not the only one out there dealing with these kinds of primal emotions that can bubble up from your guy.

Why Does My Husband Act Like a Spoiled Punk?

stuck with a skunk of a guy

So what causes him to treat you this way?

Why can’t he get his crap together?

Why does he continue to behave like he is put out and that you are the center of all his problems?

It is a tough road to travel when you are living with a mean husband who just finds fault with the least little things you might do.

And while I know all of this can make you feel helpless, it is important you look beyond the surface reactions from your husband.  What is best for you is to eventually get to the underlying reasons that is influencing your husband and making his emotional wounds fester.

Chances are he is not really all that upset or annoyed with you in particular, but something else is going on that is influencing his mood, making he come off as a grumpy, stick in the mud.

Some men are grumpy when they are tired.  Some dudes are fussy when they are hungry.   I guess you would call that “grungy”.

Some men whine and moan and fuss at you about all kinds of stupid things only to re-calibrate minutes later.

To often, women will take their husband’s words of complaint dead serious and seek to act on whatever he says.

But have you ever considered the possibility that what your husband is saying  is probably reflecting a greater truth?

Sure, your husband is moody and is voicing critical things about you.  But as I alluded to above, there is often a deeper reason for what is going on.  Sometimes it’s simply a minor matter.  Something that he feels or thinks, but is passing by.

Eventually, whatever is spurring your husband to be irritable needs to surface and be dealt with, otherwise it will fester.

So it is very important to establish if whether your husband has been moody and distant lately because of an ache here or worry there; or if this has been an ongoing pattern of behavior and you are becoming his favorite target.

Depending on where he falls, the way you will want to address this matter will vary.

My Husband Easily Gets Irritated With Me

my man is so annoyed with me

Take for example those women who are married to a guy who has only recently unraveled?  What might you do to preserve the peace without tipping  the marriage over into the danger, conflict zone?

If your husband has a hair-trigger temperament, you probably have learned to tread lightly.  There is not a good outcome if the marriage atmosphere turns into a battlefield.  But in the long run, this is no way to live.

Are We On The Right Path?

Do you ever feel that despite what you  do or say, things were destined to go haywire with him?

Do you ever feel your husband is lying in wait as he readies himself to pounce on you with his latest criticism?

Let’s hear from a few of our clients:

I really am stuck with a grumpy husband.  He is always quoting bible and verse like he is some kind of special person.  Frankly, I don’t need him preaching and telling me what to do all the time.  What I need is my husband to put away his victim blaming.  In his eyes, everybody is out to gem him.  I know it sounds stupid because that is exactly what it is.  When I don’t play along with his grand conspiracies and wild notions, he gets mad at me – Allison S.

My husband has been moody since we got back from vacation. He picks on things I say and do. It’s like nothing is good enough and I just can’t bring myself to do anything for him because he will complain or easily get annoyed with any ideas I offer up which conflict with his own.  I didn’t sign up to live with an eternally crabby husband –  Bertha G.

My husband is incredibly negative all the time.  It takes very little to irritate him and when I try to pick up his mood by acting cheerful, he get’s upset like my attitude is some kind of affront to him.  It’s like he wants to suffer.  I really don’t get it.  He seems to relish in wallowing in his self-pity and wants to be prickly with me and when he does, I get exasperated because it seems so unfair.  Then he gets more irked with my reaction and it all just spins out of control – Vivian K.

So what is really going on with your man?

What has gotten under his skin? Why does he insist that you are at fault for this or that, when you know deep down you are not the cause of his repeated attacks.

After awhile, the whole thing can turn into a real cluster frack.

He behaves like he is annoyed and grumpy and takes it out on you.  And you in turn get bent out of shape for being falsely accused or made to be his emotional punching bag.

This is when things can take a turn for the worst.

Subject to escalating negativity and tired of their husband’s critical comments, many women will decide to up the ante and lay into their husband, calling him out for his own annoying and pitiful complaints.

Throw it all together and spin and shake it around, you have the makings of a miserable time.

5 Reasons Why Your Husband Is Annoyed With You

5 reasons he is pissed with me

1. He is Really Not Upset With You – Sometimes a guy will just start acting out because some outside force is upsetting or stressing him out. Whatever it is that is on his mind, it will usually come pouring out in your presence because after all, the way he is looking at things, you are there and your mere presence reminds him that he alone is suffering.  So he drags you into his miserable state.

It is sort of guy thing. At least I have seen it more with men than women.  I call it “strike and lash out syndrome”

His reaction to you when he is around you can get rather complicated.  When you think about it rationally, it would seem that he would look to you, his wife, for comfort and support.

But he may not be comfortable with that.

His ego may prevent him to reach out to you in that way.  Or maybe he is still in the midst of trying to process his feelings about whatever is on his mind and you just happen to be in his way.

If this is the situation you are dealing with, then be patient and don’t snap back at him or react adversely to his negative temperament.  In time, he will likely be able to diffuse his own upset feelings.  Just give him a little room or wide berth if it calls for that.  He will likely notice it and later circle back to express his misgivings for acting badly around you.

Now just because he acts a little snotty around you doesn’t mean he should get a full free pass on his misbehavior.  So if an apology is not forthcoming, then ask for one.  Otherwise, he might think that it is perfectly fine for him to behave this way the next time.

2. Your Husband Gets Annoyed Easily – Some guys are perfectionists.  They can be very anal about things.  And if they are trying to figure out something and can’t quite get it figured out, the least little distraction can set him off.

Let’s say you are sitting there enjoying a quiet evening and something happens and he goes into his funk.  Perhaps your husband acts somewhat distant and a little disturbed.  Maybe you pick up flashes of annoyance in his tone or his movements.  He starts shifting around in his chair.  Or your husband starts walking  around with a tad too much aggression.  Something is percolating within him and it’s like he might explode.

Then before you even realize what is happening, something occurs that serves as a flash point causing your husband to become ultra sensitive as annoyance turns to cutting remarks or worse.

Such is the evolution of our emotions as they can quickly take a firm grip on our demeanor.

3. Your Husband Has A Hangup –  Perhaps your husband has always been quick to a be annoyed, blaming you and others for his problems or misfortune.

Men with anger or self-image issues are particularly vulnerable often allowing themselves to be easily swept away by their irritable or argumentative mood.

Maybe your marriage has been one in which you have for a long period of time tried your best to hold things together. But managing both your own emotional anxieties, never mind your husband’s, is a tall order.  It’s sad, but true, that some husbands are the “glass is half empty” type with little good to say to their wife.

4. A Pre-existing Issue is Still On His Mind –  Your husband may be stricken by a matter that is causing him great internal stress.  Perhaps it is a work matter.   As they say, we should not bring our work home with us. But what if your husband is sort of workaholic and he is up against a deadline?  Well, I think you know the answer.

When stress and deadlines start bumping up against each other, we often end up with negative encounters such as mood spikes or a tense home environment.  If your husband is already dealing with personal or workplace pressures, he is a prime candidate for misbehaving.

Hence, this is where you might start experiencing a rise of incidents in which your husband becomes testy and critical about things around him, including you.

5. Your Husband May Find Certain Things You Do or Say Annoying – When I tell this to some people, they often get a little upset with me, even testy.  But  when I coach someone who is reporting to me that her husband complains that he finds her annoying…. to do her justice, I have to work through the possibilities.

And one possibility is that the wife could be doing something that the husband can get annoyed with easily.  Sometimes it’s just little things. Sometimes it is something that has been going on for a while.

Some husbands are conditioned not to mention that which they find annoying about their wife.  It’s just good manners.  We hope, whatever it is they are doing, stops on its own accord.  Or we choose to ignore it, until we can’t any more.  That is when things can bubble over.

We are all annoying to varying degrees, right?   So why not acknowledge it to each other?

If we are in an honest relationship, it usually best to communicate when something bothers you, unless it is some petty thing.   Of course, if one makes a big deal about it and the feedback you give to your spouse is received as a crude complaint, then obviously you won’t be advancing the marriage.

But I do believe if a relationship is going to grow, both spouses need to find a common ground to convey things to each other, to help each other.

Now, if your husband is constantly berating you for doing this wrong or that wrong and complaining about you in all sorts of ways; this is not the stuff from which healthy communications emerge.

If you are facing such a hostile and negative home environment, where it seems nothing you do or say pleases your husband, then another course of action is necessary.

When Should I Get Worried About My Husband Acting Moody?

why is he so angry with me

The quick and easy answer is usually not until you are seeing an established trend, coupled with bouts of abusive outbursts.

In most cases, when men and women have their moments and occasions of moodiness and irritability, they come and go without inflaming things to a point of chaos.

Now, if your husband’s upset feelings have been going on for a good spell, then obviously that is not conducive to a happy marriage.  If this is happening with regularity, then you want to take time to specifically talk to your husband about what you are seeing from your end of the relationship.

It is possible, he is knee-deep into some matter that has him all twisted up and has lost perspective as to how he is being perceived.   It is best to work toward discussing his behavior without placing blame.   Ask him what you can do to help him with whatever he is going through.  Show him understanding.  Let kindness rule.

Of course, I am assuming that the problem that is driving his annoyance and reactionary behavior is external to the relationship.  If that is the case, the two of you should be able to work through this bad patch.   Help him see how he is being perceived and direct him to better confront his own emotions.

Is Your Husband Reluctant To Talk About Why He Is On Edge?

has my husband given up on me

Some guys will struggle with talking about what is bending them out of shape.  They just don’t want to open up and sometimes will just hole up.  Usually, you won’t have a lot of success with these types by trying to pry out of them what is going on in their head.

You are better off encouraging  your man to do something physical which often can help him displace his testy emotions. Once he get it out, things can sometimes improve fairly rapidly.

Some men will go into a denial phase, expressing that they have no idea what you are talking about. “I have not been snapping at you“, he might say in a defensive tone.  “You are just imagining this.”

If you husband takes this approach, don’t pay heed to his denials.  Don’t fall into that game of arguing with him about it.  The truth is your comments about how he is coming off probably hit home and he will re-calibrate his behavior accordingly.

It does pay to remind yourself that even if your husband suffers an extended bout of  moodiness, it does not necessarily portend something terrible is going to happen.  Most often, nothing bad comes of it.

If his behavior does not improve, as mentioned earlier, offer some matter of the fact feedback,  maybe even laced with some humor, without any ratcheting the tension.

“Sweetheart, you realize you are pretty edgy these days, to the point where I feel like you are going to snap my head off.”

Whatever his outbursts or negative acts might be, don’t assume  he doesn’t love you.  Often, it is his way of expelling the tension he holds within.

Unfortunately, some men are not good at drawing the line and act irresponsibly by saying mean or ugly things to their wives which they come to later regret.

This happens to us all.  Nevertheless it hurts if you are on the receiving end.

But when it occurs with frequency, such as your husband either takes relish saying or doing abusive things  or just habitually surrenders to his worst instincts and behavior, this is where dysfunction start taking hold of the marriage.

This is where you draw the line.

Advise your husband you have no tolerance for such times when his mood swings turn into abuse and engulf you.   Get up and go somewhere.   Make it real for him by expressing you don’t wish to be around him when he acts this way.

It is up to your husband now to behave like an adult and show you the respect you deserve.  Don’t enable him by remaining in an environment in which he has poisoned.  It is not healthy for you to stay there, so don’t.

For those of you who are married to men who can’t seem to manage the inner demons and choose to double up on their verbal abuse, I encourage to read some of the other relevant articles on this topic which you can find throughout my website.


I Am Tired and Sick of My Lousy Husband: Stuck in a Toxic Marriage

Do you ever feel this way?  That you are tired of your marriage, fighting for it to work, but it doesn’t improve no matter how much of your heart and soul you throw into it.

Do you feel you are stuck in a toxic marriage, ready to just give it up?

Does it seem like you are trapped in a horrible marriage and can’t get out of it?

Are their times in which don’t want to be bothered by anyone and are sick of thinking about the problems you and your husband keep experiencing?

Are you with a guy who is clueless and you see no end to your misery?

Do you wake up every morning wondering why your are so fatigued and feeling tired of being part of an empty marriage?

No doubt, if you feel any of these things, the sheer emotional load can take its toll.

Sometimes you will get overwhelmed with a sense of simply escaping it all, just so that you won’t have to deal with any of it.

If it could just all go away and if your husband would just leave you be it would be better, you reason.   Often, the predominant thought bouncing around is you want him to simply leave you alone because you can’t stand his presence any more.

That would be almost a godsend, wouldn’t it?

I just want to get away from him

But it wouldn’t solve the core issues of the problem, would it?

No doubt you feel this way at times if you are sick and tired of being married.

Indeed, it is a sad experience when the world wind romance you once had with him years ago, completely fades away.

You still have your memories of the past, which is what can make this whole drama so difficult.

He may have really made you happy for some time.

But you are in the here now.

What is he like now and can he change, this is what you have to deal with.  Has he shown any effort to meet you half way?  These are the things you probably find yourself dwelling on.

If you feel exhausted living with this man, tired of every marriage situation you have to confront, it can indeed cause you to slip into a depressed state.

Is There Another Path For Me?

The drudgery of getting up everyday and having to face another moment with your lousy husband, can cause you to grow to hate him and the environment you suffer in?

Let there be no doubt, if you are experiencing any of these feelings and are truly getting tired of new dramas coming at you fast and furious, then the signs of a bad marriage are likely written all over your relationship.

Getting Away From a Toxic Marriage

striking out on your on

So we are going to examine what you might want to do.

We will talk about how to leave a toxic marriage.  We will discuss how you may have fallen into a giant rut, both of you, and what you might due to change the scenery.

We will also explore whether a toxic marriage can be saved or if it’s worth saving.

That is a tough one, isn’t it?

Should you try to save your marriage if  you are seriously questioning your love for this man?

Of course, it is never that easy, right?  I mean, what is love and when is it gone or so scarred that you and your husband reach the point of no return.

This discussion of dealing with a crumbling marriage is serious stuff.  There is even a term for those who find themselves in the midst of marital chaos, particularly if one of the partners is the instigator of all the upheaval.

Its called toxic spouse syndrome.

I know you if you arrived at this post, there is really a good chance you are far from simply being “tired of my husband attitude”,  but have reached something close to a crisis state.

This is what I often hear from my clients.  They get to a point in their marriage in which they are way too tired of trying to make the relationship work for themselves and for the kids (if any are involved).

Usually by the time a wife is thinking about the marriage being spoiled and poison to the touch, she has largely given up on any hopes of resuscitating the relationship.

If you are looking to take a toxic marriage quiz, then hopefully you took the time to complete mine as it is designed to point out the miserable marriage signs that trouble many a relationship.

But it doesn’t really give you all the answers, does it?   For that, you need to dig deeper and seek to understand the big picture.

Is there a way to turn it all around?

Is it worth it to you?

Are you under pressure to continue to try to make the failing marriage work?

Chances are, you are still struggling with answering these questions for yourself.

If the man who you wedded is truly a crappy husband, then there probably have been a lot of ugly situations….a lot of troubled times.  When you reach this stage of your marriage, it is no longer practical to think in terms of letting bygones be bygones or , “that is just water under the bridge”

To the contrary, when a marriage collapses and the wife is telling me about abuse and marital fatigue and depressing episodes that seem to happen with regularity; the discussion should be less about the past and more focused on the next  pragmatic steps.

Does Your Pathetic Husband Need a Wake Up Call?

bad and fussy husband

First of all, does he deserve a wake up call?

How many times have you been down the same road with your man?  Is the guy you married as useless and hopeless as you think?

He just might be.

I know it is hard when a woman is dealing with almost unspeakable relationship events.

I once had a client who kept telling me that she had a second rate marriage and that it was not a question of being married to a rotten guy, but the reality was her husband would say appalling things to her, tearing her down.

She felt desperate to get out, but he had her convinced that she was an inferior and useless wife and would never survive the world without him.  He insisted  on controlling and telling her what to do.

Why Do I Put Up With His Abuse?

Such was the brainwashing effect he had on his wife until it call tumbling down.  It’s like the scene from the Wizard of the Oz in which the Great Wizard was proclaiming his greatness and infallibility, only to be later revealed as a mere mortal.  Even foolish to some extent.

While it took many months for her to see that her husband was cruel and was really the idiot, there was great suffering along the way.

Does Your Husband Treat You Like You Are a Loser?

does he put you down

Why can’t he show that he cares and try to at least make an effort“, you might wonder ?

To often, men who are insecure will take it out on their wife, pushing them down, making them out to be a loser; when in reality, it’s the husband that is the cowardly one.

I can see a future with him if he will just show me he wants this to work”, you might think.  If he would just show me he wants us to be a happy couple,” you may plead to yourself.

It can seem like a losing battle sometimes.   I hear it every day from women struggling in their marriage.

I feel so unfulfilled and just don’t know where to turn.  My marriage is to a guy who is overbearing and hostile.  My husband has no respect for me or my feelings and I just want to crawl up into a ball and hide away – Kay G.

What to do if your husband doesn’t respect you anymore.  I can’t bring myself to think about what I am going to do without him.  But any future with him seems doomed. I am overcome with fatigue and my blood pressure is spiking.  He is an awful husband and not that good of father.  I want all this to go away and am overcome with a desire to just disappear.  Can you help me – Sally R.

Look, I don’t know how to deal with my disrespectful husband.  He lacks respect for me, the marriage, the kids, my parents, just about anything I say or do.  My husband doesn’t respect my feelings, nor does he appreciate everything I do for him.  He one of those guys who must always get the last word in and there is no fighting fair in his mind.  He has to win every little argument and is quick to belittle me.  Not sure if I can live this way much longer – Bessie M.

Sometimes things in a relationship can become so difficult to tolerate, with anger rising up all to often, that husband and wife are constantly at each other throats.

This kind of development, which unfortunately defines too many marriages, can grow to become a very troubling pattern if the couple doesn’t take action to break out of the routine.

You see, that is what often happens with some husbands (wives too).  They get caught up in the winner and loser side of each argument, resorting to bullying or intimidation tactics to get their way.  While all the while, the marriage suffers and you the wife, become disillusioned, feeling hopeless with nowhere to turn but inward.

This is why so many women can become overwhelmed with the desire to escape.  From their perspective, they are trapped in a loveless marriage, with an over domineering husband who likes to throw his weight around, drawing down on your own confidence and self-respect.

Is Your Husband Full of Crap?  Does He Treats You Like Crap?

married to a man without class

Some guys can be cruel .  Are you married to a man who treats you like dirt?

Has your marriage dissolved to the point where you see your husband as a guy who is full of it and just about everything he says and does makes you sick to the core?

Some husbands are bad people.

They are not nice.

They act not out of care, but out of malice.  They focus on their own needs, not your personal needs and aspirations.

Some men make really lousy husbands.

Mind you, I am not saying your husband is this way.  He may act this way and misbehave badly at times, but be careful not to rush to judgement about his overall character if something bad just recently happened.

Given the passions that can easily erupt in a marriage, emotions can take us for a ride, blinding us temporarily.

But there are some bad men out there.

For some twisted husbands, it is part of their core being to frequently mistreat or malign the character of their wife.

Even when they are frequently called out on their awful behavior, they do it any way, again and again.   Some married men are seduced by almost a pathological desire to dish out emotional abuse.  These men need help.  Whether you want to keep sticking around and try to help them is another question.

More often than not, these are not the kind of men you want to stay married to.

Life is just way to freaking short!

When you are unhappily married and everything you know, see, and feel is telling you this man you are wedded to is a really bad egg, then you have to ask yourself why are you enabling him to treat you this way by staying married to him.

When you are having so many lousy and painful experiences with your husband, despite your many efforts to make the marriage better, there is a point you will reach where it become a futile exercise to remain a couple.

That is what separation is about, in part. It’s to get away from that which is injuring you emotionally.

So when I start hearing women tell me over and over again they are sick of being married to a lousy guy and only want to be alone, it usually indicates that we could be at the beginning of the end of a relationship.

Not every man is suited to be a good husband for you.  How we connect with people varies depending on a lots of things.  Nor is every woman who is married  going to be a really good match for their spouse.

Compatibility is not a science.  There is no sure fire survey or test you can take that says, “yes, this man will be wonderful for you“.   Life experiences are usually our best way of evaluating how best we match up with a relationship partner.

Sometimes in marriage, there is a point of no return.  If you keep at it, you only deepen your misery.

Why Is My Husband Such a Bad Egg?

living with a really bad guy

Sometimes a husband’s bad, undesirable marriage behavior are triggered by deep psychological wounds….feelings of inferiority or a lack of empathetic understanding of how their words and actions can  emotionally injure their wife.

I call these guys the bad boys of marriage.

Either they have not learned about the importance of  how to operate within a marriage with kindness.  Or they just simply don’t care and are unwilling to change.

More often than not, such men are not husband material and are not going to be good for most women.

But most husbands have the potential to do better.  To do you better.

They may just need a wake up call.

Something that shakes them up and strikes at their core paradigm.  They may need to be shaken  in order to see there are serious ramifications for mistreating their wife and not working to become better husbands.

Its’ Important That The Wife Finds Her Alone Time

getting out and away from him

What I am about to tell you may sound odd.

If you are involved with a man who doesn’t pay attention to you – if you are already feeling isolated in the marriage to the extent that you feel like you are the only one really trying, sometimes what is best is to go seek out some quality time just for yourself.

Marriage is about  being with someone who makes you feel safe and content. It is about being with someone who unconditionally accepts you and love you and make you happy.

Yet if you wake up everyday feeling unfulfilled and all alone, something is really wrong.

Ironically, feeling trapped in a marriage can be a lonely experience.  You feel alone because most everyone you know don’t really understand what you are going through.

A part of you wants your husband to hold you up, to hold you close, and to love you with a ferocity.  You hunger for love, but it not being offered up to you.

So if you don’t have that in your married life you feel sad and alone.  “I am so depressed and lonely in my marriage,” one of my clients was telling me the other day.  She wanted to know how to overcome loneliness in her marriage.

After all, we know that loneliness in marriage can create new problems, leading a greater sense of despair and depression, over use of alcohol, drug use, even affairs.

All of these things can compound what is already a dysfunctional marriage.

Why Do I Feel So Lonely In My Relationship and What Can I Do About It?

going it alone for awhile

This is the central question some wives have.

On one hand, they are unhappy with their marriage and often can only fantasize about ways of escaping the dread of spending another day with their husband.

Dread and loneliness travel together.  One feeling makes you want to avoid your husband.  You can imagine how you will survive another encounter.  The other emotion makes you feel trapped, almost desperate for somebody to understand your lonely plight.

It is a solitary experience when you are married to a rotten husband and feel stuck.  As days go by and you see no progress, a sense of futility can just overcome you.

But what you are feeling is not so much loneliness of not being with people in general.  That is not really what you are missing.

What you are truly lonely about is not having love in your life.  That is the thing that is most important.   If you and your husband are like two people living together, but really living apart from each other, love is diminished.

Being married to someone who you are not sure you love is one of the saddest and loneliest experiences of them all.   We all need to give and receive love to thrive.

Just some quick advice on this point.  Whatever your situation, do not give up on those dreams of being married to a wonderful man.  Perhaps it may not be your husband of now, but the future is full of possibilities.

You may hunger for a return to those times in which the minutes of the day were filled with joy, not with sadness.

I sometimes look at things in a marriage differently than a lot of the conventional relationship experts.

So if you are in this state in which you feel sad and trapped in a toxic relationship, then it is time for you to get away.

I am not saying you should drop the marriage right then, right there.

Perhaps there is a way to save it.

But before you can contribute to saving your own marriage, you need to save yourself.

You need to get out.  You need to get away from this husband who constantly makes you feel inferior and unfulfilled.

If you feel your marriage is lost and you can’t imagine how you and your husband will ever be able to assemble all the broken pieces and recover, then my advice is to temporarily extract yourself from the situation.

It is time to pull the cord.

Think of it as taking a plunge.

A marriage parachute can save your marriage and your sense of well-being.

The need to recharge your battery, while it should be obvious, can be completely overshadowed by your need to survive and get through the next day.

But you see what is happening, right?

If you are stuck into the drudgery of marital routines that leave you wholly dissatisfied, something big has to happen to upset this balance.

Sometimes it is best to seek out some high quality time alone in order to gain some internal peace.  It also allows you to come up with a plan of action because now you can breathe and get away from the fear that he instills in you.

So if you are asking yourself why do I feel so lonely in my relationship and how will I ever survive?

Then you should answer your own query with….”I am lonely in part because I need time to find myself again.  I have accepted for too long a life and a marriage that is far from what I need and deserve.  But to see me way through this or clear of this, I need to first save myself.”

So take that time.

Tell this lousy husband of yours that you are very unhappy with the course of your marriage and your life and will be taking the next two weeks (or however long) to save yourself and that you will have more to discuss with him in the future.

Then go away and do just that.

Love yourself.

Best your own best friend.

Get centered again.

Go on a cruise if you wish. Go stay with friends.  Take long walks and reflect on what you might want to do in the future since you are at this relationship crossroads.

How it all shakes out for you will depend on lots of things.  But you won’t be in a good place to make a good decision, unless you can find peace in yourself.

I Want Out of My Bad Marriage But Am Scared and Have No Money

Today we are going to hear from Mary who feels like she is stuck in an unhappy marriage.

By her account it has been like forever since she has not felt any kind of love connection with her husband for a very long time.

But before we get to her story, I have a few opening thoughts on this topic of how to get out of an unhappy or bad marriage.

So what are you to do if you feel trapped in a marriage?

Are there surefire miserable marriage signs that you can look to that will give you assurances that the time has finally come to pull out of your unhappy union?

For those who have not faced a similar situation, it might be confusing why some women find it so difficult not to recognize when it becomes necessary to pull the plug on their marriage.

Sometimes we can miss what appears to be obvious unhappy marriage signs.  The reason being, we are too close to the storm.

One might think after hearing a woman’s sorrowful account of her pain and suffering that it should be easy walk away.

surviving a crappy marriage

But for any of you who have a taste of what it is like to feel trapped, it is evident that simply walking out and away from a relationship is seldom an easy decision.

It can be like you have two minds.  One might be saying, get out…get out.  The other is saying…maybe I should give it another try.

After all, how does one leave a marriage after 5, 10, 15+ years or  however long the couple has been together?

Time has a way of fusing us together, even if we are not right for each other.

What if there are kids involved?  How do you get out of a bad marriage when children are in the middle of the mess.  Just this component can be disabling, causing one to invest more and more of their time in a poor marriage.

What if abuse is in the picture?  But what if the type of abuse levied against you made you feel insecure, less confident and afraid?

What are you to do if you feel scared, even fearful about the whole prospect of ending an abusive marriage?

Stepping Away From My Fear of Him

What if you husband controls all the purse strings and all financial decisions go through him?

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard a wife tell me, “I want to leave, but I have no money and I just don’t know how I will survive.”

Then there are women who really feel so trapped they cannot bring themselves to head for the marriage exit door.

It is as if fear has gripped them so hard they cannot compel themselves to do the very thing they know is right.

Perhaps their husband is so controlling and domineering, their very sense of who they are and whether they have the capability of walking away becomes warped.

In other words, some wives can become so twisted with anxiety and indecision, mixed in with sadness and disappointment, they get stuck and waffle back and forth.

And how do you get out of an unhappy marriage if you don’t think you can afford it?

It’s not like money is falling from the sky.

And how do you escape your controlling husband if you feel frozen in fear or you are  psychologically stuck convinced you are to blame for everything?

The real bad husbands will do that to you.  They will beat you down to the point where you are second guessing everything, stripping away your dignity and self respect.

What are you to do if you feel like you are a prisoner to both your circumstance and the man you neither like or love seems to have this invisible hand of control on your choices?

Why Do You Feel Confused or Petrified To Leave Your Marriage?

should I get out of this mess of a marriage

Obviously, there are practical considerations one has to take into account. The business of calling an end to things is a serious undertaking.

It is hard to convince yourself to end the marriage when it wasn’t that long ago the two of your were close.   You did once love this man.  And it’s not like there has been a parade of bad marriage signs raining down on you for the entirety of the relationship.

It seldom works that way.  Marriages are fluid and are formed and shaped over time.

The feelings you had in the beginning of your relationship with your husband never entirely goes away.   And in a lot these cases, the husband is not always a rotten guy or the marriage didn’t start crumbling on day 22.

No, this is not the way a marriage unfolds in real life.  There are usually a lot of ups in the beginning.  Then some ups and downs.

And if you are in one of those marriages that is torn open, the down moments will come in waves, creating chaos.

And when chaos visits a marriage, it is really hard to get a grip on anything, never mind think straight.

So I understand the confusion that can grip you.

And I know that living and operating within a dysfunctional marriage is one of the hardest things for any woman (or man) to cope with.

I know that at one point during the marriage, you probably felt invested and wanted the relationship to work.

But when it began failing, as I alluded to earlier, the connection between husband and wife doesn’t usually fall apart instantly.

It’s not like the marriage fell off a cliff and suddenly you are just gripping to the edge of sanity.

Typically marriages that unravel do so over time.

I Am Tired of Being Afraid in My Marriage

When it comes apart at the seams, it is usually slowly.

You may not want to think about what may seem more obvious to outsiders.  Whether it is your sense of “hanging in there” or “working at it” that keeps you plugging along, just know that marriages rarely just end unless there is a lot of pain and heart ache.

In most cases, husband and wife will try to work things out.  After all, they have a lot invested in each other.

But sometimes they can’t work it out.

Perhaps that is not all bad.

Not all us are going to find the right partner the first time around.

If the couple has a chance of picking up the pieces and making the relationship work, then most certainly they need to do that and make every effort to make the marriage work.

But sometimes the routines of a bad marriage and staying the course creates this inertia that prevents you from seeing the bigger picture.

For some married individuals, getting off the marriage train wreck becomes less of a potentiality and more of something you just push out of your mind.

Some day“, you might say to yourself, “I am going to leave him“.  But the next day comes and you are back to being busy with life.

What Stops You From Breaking Away From Him?

time to get rid of my man

There can be legitimate and rational reasons that cause you to hesitant to leave.

There can also be psychological barriers that makes it more challenging to step away.

There can also be some highly personal reasons that contributes to a woman’s (or man’s) resistance to call it quits.

You might fear those whispers from others insinuating you failed at your marriage.

There might be concerns over the embarrassment it might cause you in your social circles.

You might be struggling with disappoint in yourself.  You likely had high expectations for yourself and wanted badly for the marriage to work.  If it is not working, even if you feel largely blameless, the thought that the marriage is doomed is a big emotional load to carry around.

Getting Out From Under Your Indecision to Leave Him

So what you need is a game plan on how to process it all and what actionable steps you can take to move forward to a better place.

What you need sometimes is to learn how to turn those cries of, “I can’t leave him” or “I don’t won’t a divorce, but I really do” into a calm and calculated approach to how you want to map out your life going forward.

Today we are going to hear from Mary.  We will learn about her story.  Then I will walk you through the  4 critical steps you need to take to successfully extract yourself from a horrible circumstance.

Notice I didn’t say retreat.

If things in your relationship are horrible and you are being mistreated, there is no shame in getting out.

And if fear and money are your biggest concerns, just know that there are ALWAYS multiple escape routes from a screwed up marriage (as Mary puts it).

Here is Mary….

Chris asked me to talk to you ladies. Being that there is no such thing as a bad marriage test, I had to learn the hard way that my husband was a scoundrel.  I know that now. 

I use to be weak and fearful that something awful would happen to me and my life if I rocked the boat.  Mind you, the man I was married to was a monster. It’s a really screwed up marriage. 

I use to hate him, but I now know that is all wasted energy. Looking back, I hardly even recognize who I was back then, putting up with all his crap.  He made me afraid on purpose to control me. My husband belittled me.  He got his kicks out of making me squirm and seeing that I was uncomfortable.  He demanded sex when seldom I had interest.  Zero interest in the last few months we were together which is what brought things to a head because we stopped sleeping together. 

If you are asking how did I know that I should leave my husband, then the answer is I never knew for sure I should or would until the very end.  And that is the thing I regret the most.  We have a four-year old and it is a blessing I have her in my life.  Maybe taking to Chris got me over the finish line.  But when you see everyday that you are bring up a little girl in such a toxic marriage, it makes the decision easier.  It took me a while to see that, but when Chris asked me what impact the marriage was having on my child, I couldn’t even talk.  Then it all snapped into place.

Were their unhappy marriage signs that I could point to that said, “Yep, we are finished”?

I guess not anything really big.  It was like once we got married he just started to think he could get his way all the time and he would pitch a fit when things didn’t turn out right.

I would be the one he blamed for whatever bad was going on in his life.  So, yes, there was a long time of negative problems just piling up on each other. 

Sometimes I felt trapped in my unhappy marriage, but couldn’t leave for a million stupid excuses I kept putting out there.

My family and my friends kept saying, Why?   Why are you still with him?  Why not just call it quits, you have tried, but he is not trying on his end and it’s be too long.  You both chipping away at making it worse.  

I took this survey Chris came up with.  I forget what he calls it but it was one of those figure out if you are unhappy marriage quiz.  I kinda knew what would be the outcome because every question was leading me to remember some horrible or hateful thing he said or did and those memories would be in my mind as I filled it out.

I think that was another turning point for me.  Everywhere I turned, I was getting feedback that, “No you are not trapped.  You don’t have to put up with his verbal crap or stay with a man you don’t love”

So, yep, looking back now, I see that I had all the unhappy marriage signs that point to you’ll get divorced soon if something dramatic doesn’t happen.

Foolishly, I kept waiting, hoping that my husband would change, become that dream guy I had hoped he would be.

It was never in the cards.  I see that now.

But I made the jump.  I guess it was more of a bolt.  Chris told me I needed an exit plan and I should have most everything lined up.  A place to say.  Some money stashed away.  A support system.  I had my sister and my parents and my friends to help me.  I am working, so while it’s not easy, it is so AMAZING to have a life with just me and my little girl.

I never realized how much strain I was under and how foolish I was for staying so long. 

Some people ask me if I felt guilty or if I struggled with the breakup of my marriage (note: we are not divorced yet, but I am working on that).  Once I decided, stopped thinking about it. I never felt bad. It’s like I didn’t look back and question whether I was doing the right thing by leaving him. 

Actually, I got really mad at myself for a few days when I realized how much I was missing out on by not leaving sooner. 

Things are different now. Hugely different. My mood is better. I feel free and I see through all his lies now.  My confidence is returning and I feel happy about coming home to my little place.

So yes, ladies.  You can escape a miserable life with your husband if you want to.  Wash away those fears and don’t let your husband intimidate you or put doubts in your mind.  Ignore him when he says you will be a lamb for slaughter.  Your guy will probably say a lot of cruel things.  Just shush it out.

I am getting by just fine.  Actually no.  I am doing fantastic.

4 Steps To Keep in Mind When Walking Away From Your Marriage

4 ways to get away from him

1. Take a Look at the Picture of Your Marriage

Often when you are in the midst of a troubled marriage, you can’t see just how bad it is.  You can get accustomed to certain behaviors that are highly inappropriate and while you can actually break free of the currents that steer the marriage, fatigue and uncertainty often take over preventing you from getting a real accounting of what has been unfolding in your married life.

To break out of this mold you need to talk to someone you trust that can give you an honest accounting of what they think about your chances if you stay.  Friends and family can sometimes help you with this.  But your best tool might just be what I call a Plus/Delta.

This is how it works.  List out all the positive things that your husband offers to you and your life.  Then list out all the negative problems that stem from being married to him.

Honestly evaluate whether the two of you have made sufficient efforts to work on the martial difficulties.  Ask yourself, what kind of self-help resources have you tapped into?

Have you pursued any martial counseling?

How long have the two of you struggled in your marriage?

These are the things you need answers on.  Now take all this into account and objectively ask yourself….will your husband continue to be part of the problem or does he have the potential to be part of the solution?

Answer that question, then you may be ready for Step 2.

2. You Need an Exit Plan

Getting all worked up and leaving in a huff and puff is hardly a solution.  More often than not, giving in to anger or turning the whole “I am leaving this marriage” into a drama is not the direction you want to go.

Your best results will come from planning and calculating what it is you need to get on without him in your life.  Maybe you are not 100% certain that you want to divorce him, but you can’t imagine spending any more time in that same house with this man because the marriage has completely unraveled.

Whatever the case, before you choose to leave, be sure to have a complete action plan.   When its time to get out….then by all means get out.

If later things change significantly such that you choose to revisit returning, that is always your prerogative.

Know where you are going to stay.  If you think your husband might get physical or violent, keep a close friend or even the police in the loop (e.g. restraining order).

You can arrange for a friend to be with you if that makes you feel safe.  You also need to plan for the practical things you will need such as your personal clothes and important documents.  Don’t worry about taking it all.  More than likely, you will have an opportunity to get the rest of the lesser important stuff or arrange for someone to pick it up for you.

Have an emergency backpack with essential items available to you if you need to expedite your departure.  You will also need to look at your finances.  Do you need time to save more money?  Do you need to move money around?  Will you need to borrow money?

Think through all these things and plan accordingly. Remember, your need to leave your husband could come faster than you think, so don’t put off having your exit plan in place.

3. Communications With Your Husband

What you say (if anything) to your husband and how you say it depends on your individual situation.  Ideally you will want to explain to your husband in person what you are doing and why.

But in some cases the husband might be a real jerk and could potentially turn the whole exit episode into a bitter fight, creating even more turmoil and bad feelings.

If you feel there is a reasonable potential for that to happen, then it may very well be in the best interests of everybody for you to first leave quietly, then communicate about your reasons later.

If your husband is shocked about your need to get away from him, then that says something about him right there.  If he is completely clueless and flabbergasted, then obviously he has been deluding himself.

If your husband frequently mistreats you and shows himself as a vile or vindictive person, you owe him no courtesy of explanation until you are ready and it should be on your own terms.

And whether that be a in personal meeting or correspondence or phone call or having a friend step into to deliver the news, that is always up to you.  Each of these approaches have advantages and disadvantages depending on your unique situation.

4. Once You And Your Husband Have Parted – It’s Time To Start Healing

Now you are out and away from the unhappiness that has plagued your life.  Don’t you think it’s time for some healing to start!

You have probably been through hell.  So be good to yourself and start in on a variety to things you can do to become the best version of YOU.

It’s not going to be an easy ride.  Despite all his faults, you have become accustomed to certain routines and habits.  Good routines can make us feel safe and tap down anxieties.

So some of the comfortable routines may be missing now.  But that’s OK.  Remind yourself that you can start new routines.  Remind yourself of the bad habits you slipped into or the uncomfortable routines you had to repeat in the other environment you were in.  Now those are no more.  Your tomorrows can be a whole lot better.

The past is behind you.  While it may still linger in your thoughts, it is the future you need to focus on.

Getting emotionally and physically healthy is important.  Getting engaged in new activities that you find fulfilling is critical.  I have written about this extensively that on this website, so feel free to explore.

Why Does My Husband Act Like He Doesn’t Love or Care About Me

Today we are going to hear from Kathy whose husband can’t seem to bring him self to find a kind word for her.  When things go south in their marriage, he resorts to name calling and assertions that he doesn’t love her and she doesn’t deserve him.

Do ever find yourself in a situation in which your husband acts in a certain way to make your feel unloved?

Does he act in a way that make you feel he doesn’t care to please you?

Is he ever so brazen or vindictive to tell you he doesn’t want you or feel for you in the same way?

sad times in marriage

A bit later in this article I am going to list out the 10 signs or things your husband might do or say that point to the possibility that his love for you is eroding, maybe even disappearing.

Sometimes these signs of dying love come in the form of constant put downs and cheap shots and other behavior that makes you feel he has nothing but disdain for you.

In some of the worse cases I have seen, it can be like he holds contempt for you and can barely stand  being around you.

Or he may accuse you of holding him back from doing and experiencing other things.  Taken all together, it can feel like he wants to wipe clean away all of the good times the two of you use to enjoy together.

I hear that a lot from some clients about husbands that cut them down in ways to make them feel like the marriage is headed for a wreck.

Sometimes the behavior from the husband is more subtle, but nevertheless piercing in the pain it can cause. For example,  “My husband just told me that his feelings for me have changed and he does care about me like he use to?

Or, “Chris, you won’t believe what husband said about me.  He thinks our love has grown old and it’s harder for him to care about me as he should.  I think it is big cop-out and something else is going on

Are you in a marriage where you husband can’t bring himself to simply tell you he loves you or worse, tells you the opposite….in other words he says he never loved you or has stopped loving you?

Perhaps the signs of his love simply just vanishing over time are to be believed.  What people say and do sometimes are backed by real feeling.

What If He Really Hates Me?

Just maybe your husband’s heart is not in the marriage because he has his heart somewhere else.

But let’s not move too fast.

I have seen plenty of cases where men try to convince themselves and their wife as well, that they don’t love them anymore.  A man can bend himself into an emotional pretzel trying to talk himself out of love.

I see this often when a guy is having an affair and is trying to justify his actions or feelings, not understanding either very well.  I have seen lot of cases of a husband getting caught up in an emotional and physical love affair with another woman and at the same time trying to convince himself that he must not be in love with his wife anymore.

But as it turns out, love is not really as fickle as some people try to make it.  People don’t just fall in and out of love lickety-split.

That sure doesn’t stop a husband from pulling away from his wife.  He can do it in all sorts of ways.

And it need not be an affair that causes your husband to act this way.  A man can withdraw his love or act like he doesn’t care for lots of different reasons.

Are You Married To a Cruel Husband Who Always Puts You Second

can your man get passed your past

Honey, I just don’t want you anymore. I am not the same person.  We have grown apart.  I need to do the things I want to do and you get in my way.  The love between us is just not the same.  You are like a sister to me”, her husband exclaimed.

That sounds cruel doesn’t it?  It sound like a cruel thing for a husband to say because it is.  A husband and wife should never talk that way to each other.

The whole notion that your husband is some kind of new person or has changed in some kind of meaningful way therefore you are not worthy of him is often a crock of bull.

Men or women who talk that way are most often just putting themselves first and putting their spouse second.

Talking this way to your spouse is not simply a bad thing to do because it is poor manners (which it is), but because it is cruel and destructive to the relationship.

When men often put themselves ahead of their wives’ needs or choose to constantly criticize their wife, they are not only showing a warped sense of love, but are likely exhibiting  anarchistic tendencies.

It seems some men can’t throttle back their anger or resentment and choose to reach deep into their bag of ugly wife tricks to try to emotionally injure their spouse.  It may not happen to some of you out there.  But I hear it a lot.

But do you know what I also hear happens a lot?

These same guys who are cutting their wife down in one moment, will try to quickly make up if they think it suits them.  Hence you get the old “back and forth” kind of husband who has a loose relationship with love.

I Can’t Stand This Any More

Now let’s get something straight here right off the bat!  I am not talking about the majority of husbands out there.

Most men understand the importance of expressing love to their wives and not withholding expressions of affection.  They are not mean or vindictive.

some guys are good

This article is aimed at those wives who suffer the pain of wondering if they will ever be loved in the way they deserve.  It is for those who are involved with a man who can’t fight fair and chooses to shoot low.  It is for those ladies who feel unloved, under appreciated, and unsupported.

It is for those women whose husbands some act in such a horrible, hateful way, they are left with the gloomy question of whether it’s still worth trying any more.

So let’s hear and learn from Kathy.  Here is her story and what she chose to do when her husband starting withdrawing from her, withholding intimacy, and failing work on the marriage.

What is wrong with my husband?  He gets mad at me and to hurt me he deliberately withholds his affection.  I see it in his eyes and the way he avoids me.  It is like no fight can be so small that he won’t try to get even with me.

Sometimes I think the truth is my husband has never been in love with me like I thought.  I am not even sure if I want to be married to him.  Honestly, the marriage is a mess.  Like Chris says, we make withdrawals from our trust in each other all the time.  And he is not depositing anything good into our marriage bank.

I use to think that if my husband didn’t care for me anymore, what would I do.  I would have these panic thoughts.  The fear of my husband not loving me or him deciding that I was not enough would royally screw me up.  It would utterly just disable me for days. 

Now I think differently about these things. I realized that he was never going to get to that place where I needed him to be.  I realized my husband was not going to be the loving and caring kind of guy I dreamed he might be or that I could turn him into.  So, yes, I deluded myself for a long time.  6 years to be exact. 

My husband and I went through all those stupid phases.  Once I was the love of his life.  He couldn’t have enough of me.  Everything he did was passionate and romantic, even over the top.  Of course, I soaked it all up thinking that everything he said was 100% true.

It was like crazy good.  Sex was hot and he just couldn’t stop telling me how beautiful I was.  While even those early good days had some nasty bad patches, we got through them fast and my husband would make it up and do something wild and exciting for me.

Part of me knew I was living on the edge of  his unbridled passion.  He was just that way and I went with it.  I always figured that our marriage would flatten out and we would have to work on things.  But I didn’t see this coming. I didn’t expect my husband would turn away from in all the important ways.

The Turning Point For Our Love

when things changed in our life

I mean we had problems. 

A couple of years ago, I had an affair and he found out about later.  It was stupid decision by me.  I happened after we had a particularly big blowup.  I stormed out of the relationship for a few days and slept with an ex.  But it was really short-term and I knew immediately it was wrong and I was jeopardizing my marriage.  It took him a few months to find out, but that is another story.

Maybe that is what the trigger that go us to where we are now.  I don’t know for sure.  He had a revenge affair on me when he found out about mine. Admittedly, I didn’t handle that well.  He was wrong, just as I had make a bad mistake.  But I had never been cheated on before and we almost lost the marriage a few years back because of this incident.

Perhaps neither of us really forgave the other.  With had some sexual problems during that time as well.  He had some difficult with following through on sex with me.  It would upset him and he would then blame me and then new fights would emerge, followed by us both dredging up the past.

So our relationship has been rocking along like this for a while.

But just about one year ago, his enthusiasm for me started to really flatten out.  There were some issues with work and our marriage was going through these ups and downs and he was getting medicated for mild depression.  Then out of the blue he started telling me that we don’t work as a couple anymore.  I pressed him for whether he was cheating on me again.  He denied and if he is, he’s covering his tracks pretty good.

Part of what he was saying was true and I knew we both did things that negatively contributed  to trust and intimacy issues, but I would get upset with him because he just seemed to not want to try.  It was like he was looking for ways to bail out of our marriage and I wasn’t ready for that.

My husband would say stuff like he loves me, but he is not in love with me.  I mean really, what the crap does that mean?  How can he be so sure that he is no longer in love with me.   I would tell him he was being over dramatic and that he is letting his passions run amok.  I would tell him that he was trying to project on to our marriage like we were in some kind of movie where the lovers were doomed.

We would argue, then he would say stuff like he knows all the signs of when a husband truly regrets having married his wife and that he fits them to a tee.

So many stupid things  come from his mouth.  He reads everything and falls for stuff I think. 

We Damaged Our Relationship When We Forgot to Care For Each Other

forgetting to care for each other

Then we would take turns blaming each other. It was like neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage.  My husband would blame me for ruining his life.  I would blame him for screwing up mine.  And we would just keep saying hurtful things to each other.

I mean this didn’t happen everyday.  But I would not be exaggerating much when I tell you that I am at my wit’s end.  I am not sure if I can tolerate any more hurtful words from him.

It’s like he wants our marriage to fail and doesn’t want to work at making it better.  Almost like a marriage death wish.

I even told him that.  I said, ‘you are trying to screw us’ aren’t you?  

Now my husband  says stuff like let’s just put the marriage out of the misery.  I know what he is doing.  He wants to break up.  And I know what I am doing.  I want to prevent the split up.  I am not ready to let it go.  Obviously he is which make me more suspicious that he has someone waiting for him on the other side of separation and divorce.

You see, I don’t believe he knows what he wants.  He keeps telling me he doesn’t love or care for me like he should.  Hearing that hurts, even though I don’t totally believe him. 

Part of me has lost respect for him.  He can also stoop way too low sometimes  Just recently, my husband told me he can’t stand to be around me and that sex with me reminds him of the affair I had.

Now I know that has been a problem for him.  I cheated and I was wrong.  But it happened years ago.  I asked him for forgiveness a long time ago and at that time, after a long while, he finally said I was forgiven.  He even wrote down in a poem and we got along for a spell after that.

But often my husband  just can’t let things go.  So what do you do when your husband of several years tells you that sometimes he can’t stand you for the things you have done and he isn’t sure if he still loves you?

It makes me sick that he turns everything into such a drama.  Just let go of it, I tell him.  He agrees, then he falls right back into his victim world.  Honestly, I think he needs therapy because some of his obsessive hangups are poisoning our marriage.

So after talking with Chris I agreed something meaningful needed to happen to completely change the direction our marriage had taken.  I chose to follow through on the very thing my husband wanted. 

He kept saying we are not working as a couple and that he doesn’t know if we will ever work as  couple again.  So I decide to give him what he wanted.  A way out.

I told him that neither of us were happy and that our marriage was a mess due to a lot of reasons.  I told him there was a cancer growing on our marriage and that was having a horrible and devastating effect.  I suggested we take a 30 day break away from each other so we can both begin the processing of healing.  

Some of the words I used in my discussion with my husband, Chris gave me, but most of what I told him came from my heart.  I was wounded.  My husband was in pain too. 

We both agreed to try talk about our relationship again in the future but not before he moved out temporarily and we both committed on improving ourselves.  Then we would meet to explore whether our marriage and all the good times we have had together was worth trying to get back.

Right now I am in the healing stage.  I am trying some new things out and while I miss the good parts of my husband, I am relieved that I am no longer in an environment where I feel bad about myself and am always feeling like I have to snap back to protect myself. – Kathy K.

 10 Signs That Your Husband May No Longer Love or Care For You in the Same Way

we are lovers no more

As you can see, Kathy is on both a personal and relationship journey.  She still has some work to do.  Both of them do.  Their marriage is very complicated and there are a number of issues they still need to work through.  So let’s wish her well and I will keep tabs on her.

Meanwhile, if you find yourself wondering if the same or similar kind of thing could be happening in your marriage with your husband, let me at least offer you the benefit of what you might want to look for that can clue you in on whether your husband is truly falling out of love with you.

Honestly, there is no perfect list of Signs that can reliably prove that your husband cares less for you and your marriage is headed for a wreck. There is no “my husband is tired of me quiz” that has 100% success rate.  Every relationship will go through some bad times.

Just because the two of you are fighting and ugly words fly back and forth doesn’t mean that it’s time to learn to say goodbye to each other.  The marriage is not necessarily all over just because you think he has stopped loving you.

Far from it.

What you think he feels and what your husband actually feels around the question of love, are not always in agreement.

Your husband may openly question his love for you, yet not even realize the depth in which his life and love is interwoven with your own.

But if you are trying to put together clues that your husband’s heart is no longer in the marriage, consider these behaviors.  If your man is behaving in many of the ways described below, then you may very well have some serious work ahead of you.

Remember, any one of these events, if taken singularly, does not point to the demise of your marriage.    Even if 3 or 4 of these kind of things are happening to you, it doesn’t predict the two of you are on your last legs.

It may simply point to areas of the relationship you both need to shore up.   Don’t forget, a marriage, particularly those that have been around for years, have a lot of built-in traction and staying power.

So let’s get on with.  What are the 10 Signs that indicate your husband thinks of your differently  –  that he doesn’t love you anymore – or that his love for you is changing, drying up.

  1. Your husband has had multiple affairs or continues to cheat on you and he knows that you know about his indiscretions but doesn’t respect you enough to stop.
  2. The man your married is now telling you that he has fallen in love with another woman and that he no longer feels the same way about your marriage.  Just like that he wipes away with that one utterance all your faith and trust.  While you still find your husband’s words unbelievable, he leaves you reeling with this revelation and makes no effort to soften the blow.
  3. Your guy seldom wants to  work on the relationship.  He seems to have little invested interest to make things better and blames you for everything that is wrong with the marriage, with little regard for his own poor behavior.
  4. You and your husband in the past use to talk about everything but for some time now, he seldom wants to talk to you or listen to you.  It is like he is somewhere else and when you complain about it, he does little to change his behavior or gets upset that you keep bringing it up.  It is as if someone has turned your husband’s passion meter completely off and there is nothing left over for you.
  5. He treats you in an abusive and cruel way, using both verbal abuse when provoked and emotional detachment when he wishes to punish you.
  6. Your husband’s emotions are all over the place.  One day he loves you and says lots of sweet and wonderful things; then the next day he can’t stand you and behaves badly and tells you he is not attracted to you.
  7. He keeps telling you that he doesn’t like you or have fun being around.  He seldom remembers important days like your anniversary or to give you a card or gift on your birthday.  Your husband avoids doing things with you and always seems to have an excuse for what he can’t be with you.
  8. He doesn’t want to kiss you or hold you and seldom does he initiate sex.  When the sex is over, he can’t get away from you soon enough.  There little in the way of cuddling or talking and sharing.  The act of sex is mechanical and over with without you being fulfilled.
  9. Your husband acts like you are not even there.  You have become the invisible woman and if he is not outright trying to avoid being around you, he hardly notices you when you are right there
  10. He doesn’t want to sleep with you.  He would rather be alone by himself than be with you in bed. He insists he can’t sleep with you for any number of reasons.  Maybe he complains about snoring or gritting of teeth or that you twist and turn too much.  Or maybe he insists that its him that is bothering you, so he is going to do you a big favor and let you have the bed all to yourself.

In our next article, I am going to talk about how you should go about making sense of these dying love signs and if indeed you should take them seriously.

In other words, is your husband going through a phase?

Is all his talk and actions a big smoke screen because he is hiding some ugly truth?

Could he have actually fallen in love with another woman?   How do you go about weighing the importance of each of these signs or hints that your husband’s love for you could be drying up?

Tune in for my next few articles on this topic to learn more about the sometimes confusing world of love and marriage and please go down to the comments an ask any questions you have or if you have a story you wish to share, I would like to hear it!

My Wife Keeps Threatening To Leave and Divorce Me

Relationships have a way of running in directions that you never expect.

Today we are going to hear from a guy named Clint, whose wife is threatening to leave him due to his anger problems and maybe even divorce him.

We will hear out his story and then explore some of the typical things you should consider doing when the wife is making threats of leaving you.  I am not talking about casual threats, but really intense threats that have the appearance of possibly coming true.

she sick of me and walking out

So I hand you off to Cliff to get a piece of his story….

Hey there, I am Cliff and Chris asked me to write some lines.

My wife has never threatened divorce before.  I know she is mad at me and she has good reason.  I am not the perfect husband, though I have never threatened to divorce her when I get upset or grow bitter.

I guess I suck at the marriage game.  I move through life pretty quick and am really independent, so I know I step on her toes sometimes.

We have known each other for six years and married for two years.  I can kinda go crazy when I don’t get my way.  The other day I just started yelling at her and I guess that was the final straw, once again.

That’ our other problem.  She keeps blowing up at me.  Almost weekly now.

She is telling me that she should get a lawyer and is threatening to sue me for emotional abuse.  I don’t think you can do that unless you are parting ways.

I sure am not ready for that to happen and I know she still loves me.  But she is pissed at me and I know that because she is pulling out all the stoppers.

What exactly is she saying you ask? Let me give you a rundown.

First my wife threatens to leave with our child.  I know she doesn’t mean it, but the sound of her voice tells me she is serious and I need to get my act together.

Then my wife threatens to cheat on me.  Now that is just her trying to get me upset.  My wife is a looker and she could have anyone she wanted.  But that is not the kind of woman she is. 

What To Do If You Suspect Your Wife Of Cheating

But look, I know our marriage is a bit messed up, but it works.  Neither of us have cheated on the other.  Our sex is great and I am not going to lose her.  But she is starting to scare me with her talk.

Now my wife is threatening to call the cops and make me leave.

I am kinda getting tired of this.  Now that I think about it, my wife likes to throw this stuff in my face.  She freaks me out with these baseless threats in the moment, but then later I realize she is not going  ever follow through.  But I never really know if this time it’s going to be a different outcome

I mean she gets so upset, all red in the face and it sounds pretty real to me at the time.  It’s like we are on some endless merry go round.  When we argue about whatever, she throws divorce in my face.  I am seriously getting sick of it.  It’s like she uses me as her relief valve.   I do little something wrong and if she is stressed she take it all out on me dredging up every single thing I may have done wrong in the past.  There is no fair fighting in this house.  

I am not such a bad husband but if you listen to my wife, she will have you convinced I am some kind of bully.  But look man, she is winning most of these battles.  Huffs and puffs, lets me have it, then leaves for most of the day making me wonder if she will come back.

Yep, that’s what’s going down here.

So what I am looking for is some advice or some steps on how to make sure my wife does truly leave or divorce me.  Better yet, if there is some way to just get her to stop making these threats.

Look, I am not a menacing or frightening husband.  I don’t beat my wife.  If anybody is hostile, it’s my wife.

So shoot me whatever good advice you got.

5 Things You Need To Do To Ensure Your Wife Won’t Be Leaving You

get in touch with the present moment

As you can imagine, I had a good amount of advice for this individual.  Part of challenge was helping him get more in touch with the moment from her perspective.  I will explain what I mean by this later.

As you can see from his description, he is far from the perfect husband and I when I got into the down and dirty of all their problems, I told him he needed to clean up his act.

I didn’t tell him that to side with his wife because there are some issues there.  But mainly I wanted to give him a wake up call that somebody needs to lead the way.  And right now, both spouses were acting like victims.

When You Feel It All Collapsing

After I cut through a lot of his crap, it turned out most of the threats from his wife were levied more from a defensive posture.  Sometimes it is helpful to be frank with certain guys who struggle with understanding how their treatment of their wife could be the origin of their troubles.

This particular individual seemed to think it was OK to keep doing things in his normal fashion.  But good marriages don’t work that way.  There should be give and take and growth.  But if one makes no effort to solve the underlying problems….and both of them had faults….then little progress will be made.

You see, marriage improvement does not stem from practicing the same behaviors because not all behaviors are healthy.  If you act like a bully and think you can get away with it without consequences, then you can expect that your wife is going to strike back.

So I started talking to him from a 3rd person perspective.

If you find yourself wondering why she is so hostile towards you, ask yourself if it is possible the entire problem does not necessarily stem from your wife freaking out, I told him.

Just maybe, the husband bears some of the responsibility of the deteriorating marriage.  This was the challenge I had when I was coaching this gentleman.  He had little motivation to accept that he was part of the problem and could be part of the solution.

When all that exist is mainly finger pointing, with each spouse blaming the other; then the couple are both playing a zero sum game.

So I told him, “you are a wonderful and faultless husband and it is beyond me why you married such a witch“.

Of course I was being sarcastic to try to get him to see that there was little to gain in playing victim.   He didn’t want to hear that but sometimes it takes a neutral party to show someone how they are being perceived.

I told him the husband bears some responsibility when the wife is having a meltdown.  It is never as simple as the wife is all wrong and the poor husband is the victim.

And vice versa.

There are plenty of women who want to blame their husband for all that is wrong with the marriage, but are reluctant to take a look at their own behavior and how it contributes to marriage unrest.

So let’s say you are in a situation that is rather hostile.  Let’s say your wife is becoming unglued or often directs her rage at you and you are worried sick that she is going to do something rash. Like leave you forever.

Here are 5 things you should try doing to regain control of the environment if you find yourself in the midst of a marriage meltdown.

1. Try Telling Your Wife Calmly That You Love Her Completely and Don’t Want Her to Leave – Then Shut Up

loving your wife

Sometimes all your wife needs to hear is some nice, soothing and loving words.  And you better say it with measured, deadpan honesty or she will see right through it.

Sure, if she is really upset with you and making threats of walking out, you probably won’t see her calm down immediately.  Particularly if you have taken a defensive verbal posture.

But trust me.  Those words of yours will make a mark.  It will make an impression on her in that very moment, but you won’t see it.  She will hold it in.

It will also make an impress in her subconscious.  There can be a million things that can arouse her anger.  Some of us can be really moody.  Some of the issues a couple  may have with each other could even be petty.  And some of these angry thoughts your wife is having could be very much justified.

Working through all that is for the immediate future.  But right now, you and and your wife are in the here now.  You are in the present moment and are facing a very angry wife, right?

So what I am saying is if she hears with her own ears you telling her in person, to her face, that you love her dearly and want her to stay, it will register.

But it is critical you stop talking after you say this.   Any more words from you will waste the moment.  Let her unwind.  Give her a chance to have her say and listen to every word she utters.  Empathize.

Show positive body language demonstrating with earnest that you care about every utterance of your wife and every syllable she is speaking.

This approach to communication may not solve everything in that moment, but it will give you and your wife a platform to launch an effort to try to work things out.

Don’t forget, in the here now, you are trying to put the flame out.

Remember, your goal is not to cure the marriage right there, right then.  You are trying to talk your wife off the ledge and get her to come back down to earth and open up so she can see you listening about her concerns.

2.  Calmly Tell Your Wife You Understand Her Plight and You Will Be Willing To Leave For a Spell

give her some room

Again, use a calm voice when you talk to your wife about whatever is going on.  If you mirror her anger or frustration or rage, you both are going to meltdown and all you end up doing is hastening her desire to leave you….to walk out.

If things have gotten so bad that the talk in your house has spilled over into, “Honey, I am leaving you.  I am sick of you.  I can’t stand to see your face again”, The sooner I leave the faster I can divorce you.”

If your communications have descended to that level of discourse and you feel your wife has declared war and wants you out of her life come hell or high water; then you best oblige.  But only for the short-term.

We Are At War With Each Other

Think of it as a reprieve. You are leaving but by her staying in the house, you still have some control of  eventually getting the marriage back in some type of working order in the future.

That is a lot harder to do if she has rushed out of the house, muttering obscenities and talking about lawyers, separation, and divorce.

3. Set Aside Your Pride and Tell Your Wife Bluntly That the Marriage is in Intensive Care and Ask for a Reprieve

trouble in paradise

Sometimes a husband’s biggest vice in working through problems with their wife and marriage is their pride.

Sometimes it can be hard for any of us to accept their is trouble in paradise.

Living inside your pride can cause you to ignore the problems that are all too obvious to your wife.  It can also blind you to the real problems with the marriage.

So if the meltdown of your marriage is occurring right in front of you, don’t waste another moment.  Acknowledge out loud, without blame in the tone of your voice, that the Marriage is in big bad trouble.  It’s like you are speaking in 3rd person.

Tell her in the most calm and supportive voice you can muster that the marriage is beyond sick and is serious need of emergency help.

Tell her you think outside help is needed because neither you or her are able to render a cure or solution to the marriage yourselves.  For whatever reason, you have both lost your way.  Tell her you want to find a Marriage Counselor you both can visit and start a process of ending this nightmare.

Your wife needs to see you “get it” and that you understand the problems between the two of you have risen to a point where you are afraid you both are going to lose each other and that there could be a lot of collateral damage.

Only then will you be able to shock her out of the notion of throwing in the towel and leaving you.  Acknowledge to your wife that all of her threats of wanting to leave were warning signs and now you see you waited too long to take them seriously.

4.   Try to End The Chaos of the Moment By Slowing Everything Down

slow it all down

So what the heck does all that mean, you might be wondering?

It’s simple and pretty deep and works at a psychological level.  If your wife is irate and is threatening to end the marriage and you are fearful that she might actually go through with it, then you need to act, but do so in a certain unusual and interesting way.

How do you expect you will normally act?

Well, most husbands freak out when they are in such a situation.  Most people do.  Typically a guy will start getting excited and then frantically try to talk their wives out of leaving them.  Bear in mind, in many cases, it takes a lot to drive a woman to a point of making threats.  So we are already on some shaky and troublesome ground. The angrier the wife gets and the more accusations that get slung at you, the more defensive you will likely be.

And when your wife’s anger meets your defensiveness, guess what happens?

Nothing good, right!

The entire environment becomes combustible and the two of you stand a really good chance at blowing apart the marriage in that moment.

So you need to act against your nature.

You need to use the technique of mirroring.  If you talk slow and walk slow and choose your words carefully, speaking quietly and in measured ways; then your wife will subconsciously start to slowly, over time mirror your behavior and demeanor.

Your goal is to bring the level of intensity down a few notches.  Little is solved in moments of great passion.  But a lot can be ruined in such an environment.

Nothing good will come of the two of you allowing things  to become all twisted up.  So take the lead and slow things down.  If your wife insists that she wants to leave, then you need to call upon the inner yoga that is inside you and bring calm back into your world and hers.

5. Buy Some Time – You Can Make Progress If you Encourage Your Wife To Simply Wait.

waiting for calm

Sometimes things are moving so fast than it is a blur.  You have got to slow things down.

Start off first with using a little reverse psychology by agreeing with everything she is saying.  I know it sounds crazy and may go against the current of truth.  But your most immediate goal is to find a way to reach into the rationale side of her mind.

Most likely, if she is throwing threats at you, she is living in right side of her brain…the emotional side.

Now I know some of what she is saying could be hogwash and simply not true or at best misleading.  But remember, you just need to try to buy time for the best interests of the marriage.

Then tell your wife that You have it coming.

Maybe you do.

Maybe you don’t.

But say it anyway. Take the sword.  You are a tough guy.   And once again, I warn you, if you are going to eat your words and take the sword, it better pass her truth detector.

Tell her you are not going to fight her on what she wants.  Don’t try to talk her into staying.  So now you are taking her side.

You understand the angle here, right?

So then simply tell her that she should wait until tomorrow before she packs and leaves or wants you to pack and leave.

Explain to her you understand she is physically and emotionally exhausted, just like yourself.  So let tomorrow be the dreaded day when their marriage officially ends.  Put it that way, using words like that.

This may have the effect of actually causing your wife to (1) become less angry and intent on leaving you that very moment and (2) start to doubt if separating or divorcing you is really the best thing to do.

Is My Marriage Hopeless or Worth Saving

Today we are going to hear from Sally who has been feeling rather hopeless these days.  She has been married for eleven years and is now seriously questioning whether her marriage is worth saving.

Being involved in a long term marriage and feeling hopeless and questioning whether your relationship is worth saving can be emotionally debilitating.

You spend many years cultivating what you think is going to be a lifelong commitment to a man you fell in love with.  But as the years go by, instead of the love between the two of you growing and blossoming, what if you find your marriage filled with a continuous series of heartaches and disappointments?

Does this kind of life sound familiar to you?

Can Your Hopeless Marriage Be Saved?

looking for help with her man

Is there some way you and your husband can put things back together?

At the time of this writing you may feel desperately at loss as to what else you can do.  You may have tried everything to turn the relationship around.  You may have sought out counseling in the spirit of getting your hopeless marriage restored.  Perhaps you and your husband have had hundreds of heart to hearts over the years.

So what are you to do if you have invested your heart and soul to make your marriage work, yet you look over the years and realize the two of you have essentially gotten nowhere?

Troubled Times With Hubby

And now you have reach a point after years of trying to making the marriage salvageable that you are ready to throw in the towel.  You might even wake up almost every morning wondering when is a marriage really over and whether you should continue to invest in this man who you once found irresistable.

You might even turn to the Lord to help you through these troubled times in the form of a restoring marriage prayer, but to no avail.

You may have even tried meditation as you sought relief and even turned to fasting for marriage reconciliation (note:  Honestly, I am not quite sure how that works, but it has to do with you both committing to and experiencing something difficult to inspire you to join closer together)

But despite all your best efforts, it just seems impossible for the marriage to be restored to those earlier years when things were almost always more light-hearted and conversation was easy and free-flowing.

As you think about the many years you and your husband have been joined together, you can’t help but hold on to a thread of hope that there must be some way to solve the puzzle of how to restore your marriage and fall in love again.

You may have even heard of testimonies from people who have restored their marriages after adultery and that has given you hope.

The Story of One Women’s Marital Woes

feeling trapped with her guy

You see, that is what happened to Sally.

She has been having a rough time of it.

For years, her marriage has deteriorated for all the common reasons like lack of communications, increased conflict, and a poor sexual connection.

Sally was also disturbed by her husband’s unwillingness to make her feel loved, valued and important.  There was little time spent together or talking about shared values and interests.

What Happened To Our Connection?

The years seemed to have just ticked on by and he acted like he had either tired of her or just did not want to invest any of his time with her.

He had gotten all wrapped up into his work and his other commitments and now it seemed like she was living with a ghost of the man she once met.

Are You Married To A Man Who Treats You As the Forgotten Wife?

the lost wife

Sally’s man wasn’t all bad. There were redeeming values. He was a good provider and great father.  In the past, he would occasionally make efforts to listen to her complaints.  He would promise her he too wanted things to get better between them.   But she said it was all a pipe dream.  She complained he was all talk and just said that to put her off.

She admitted that sometimes, the connection between the two of them would actually improve for a few weeks.  He would demonstrate he cared about doing little things she appreciated.  But eventually, his regular routines would resume and she would yet again become the forgotten wife.

When Sally first told me that  “my husband is giving up on our marriage” I could see she was not ready for it to end.  But she was intensely frustrated.  She said he no longer was even trying to go through the motions.  He was not even trying to meet her halfway on working out their problems.

So for many months she has been plagued with the question of how to know when it would be time to leave their marriage.  She certainly wasn’t feeling the love.

She sensed she was just clinging to the habit of being married to a man who no longer loved her.

A New Lover Enters the Picture

a new man in her life

She had met Bill, her new lover, by happenstance at a party she had attended at work.  He too was married and was going through a really rough patch.  He had confided in her that “my wife is giving up on our marriage and I really don’t know what I want to do”.  She immediately felt connected with Bill.  His predicament mirrored her own awful marriage situation.

Being with Bill was like being in love again, she said.  He was good to her and she felt fulfillment.  But she was confused because she still loved her husband.

So with my help, Sally came up with a plan because she was determined to make on last ditched effort to save her marriage.  She still loved her husband and feared that she was losing him.  As we worked through her true feelings she acknowledged that all this talk of her marriage being hopeless and not worth saving or fighting for stemmed from her sense of futility.

She knew she was acting out partly because she was angry and sad and disappointed with her circumstance.  Not to mention that being in love with two men was confusing.  But she also came to understand that nothing good would come from living in a world trapped between two men.

For something to change, action must precipitate it.  So together we came up with an action plan that she could turn to help her navigate what to do next.

If your situation is anything like Sally’s, then this plan will likely hold some merit for you as well. Give it some consideration.

The 5 Steps To Saving Your Hopeless Marriage

turning it all around

1.  Clean Up Your Attitude: How can you be sure your marriage is over?  You can’t be.  So the first step is to clean up your attitude.  Now I realize that you are probably going through some really tough times and I am sure it is taking a toll on you in all sorts of ways.  That certainly could explain a depressed emotional demeanor.  But one central element in overcoming any negativity that may surround you is to remind yourself of all the positive things you have going for you.  Leading with a positive attitude is key to the next steps you should consider taking.

2. Consider a Relationship Wake Up Call:  If you feel  “my husband has checked out of our marriage” and is just not taking any of your concerns seriously, then you should consider a wake up call.  Now what do I mean by that exactly?  Well, it depends.  Let’s say you suspect your man is cheating on you.  Is there a time when you should give up on a marriage after infidelity?   If the affair is still active and he has yet to own up to it, then perhaps it is time for an intervention.  What do I mean by that?  Sometimes to bring things to a head, you need to employ some creative ways to save your marriage.  Or maybe it’s not an affair that is triggering your despair. Maybe the two of you are prisoners of a broken marriage filled with negative habits and routines.  If that is the case, then consider breaking the rotten marriage mold.

Consider telling your husband that you are taking a mini vacation for a few days.  Pack your stuff and get out and away from what you think are his lies or his lack of commitment to work on the marital problems.  Tell him you are seriously questioning the viability of your marriage and need “alone time” to process how you feel about things and what might be next.  Leave it vague.  Let him chew on it. What you are also doing though is taking some time for you self to heal and to think.  Chances are that he may soon start talking and taking your concerns a lot more serious.

3. You Need To Get Centered: How can you know when your marriage is really over?  Are there signs your marriage cannot be saved?  Is the uncertainty of what you should do driving you crazy?  Are you paralyzed with indecision as to when to throw in the towel on a broken marriage?

If you are thinking all these things and more, then it is time to get an accounting of where things stand.  Chances are your view of the whole marriage situation is clouded.  You have heard of the saying, “you cannot see the forest for the trees“, right?  Well, you need some alone time to air out your thoughts.

Go some place that allows you a real opportunity to be introspective about what has been transpiring for all this time.  Is it really as bad as you think?  Is your feelings of hopelessness, triggered by depression or an unrealistic expectation for how your husband should be acting?  The short answer is your husband is probably a far cry from what you need to complete you.  But right now, you are likely trapped in a web of emotions.  So get away.  Go somewhere that allows you to find yourself again.  Think of it as a retreat for yourself.  But you are not retreating or quitting your marriage.  What you want to do is get away from all the chaos so you can objectively think about the strengths and weaknesses your husband brings to this marriage equation.

4. Weigh Your Husband’s Strengths and Weaknesses:  So while you are on your personal retreat and getting your emotions centered again, take advantage of this period where you are seeking some emotional balance.

It’s time to take a hard look at the course of action you wish to take.  But you can’t do that unless you know if your husband is going to be an ongoing catalyst of your marital woes or if he has the capacity to bring about change and work with you to discuss and solve the problems.

So what you are going to do is a Spousal Plus/Delta.  While this exercise may sound fancy, it is actually a common sense way of figuring out what you really want and if your current marriage partner can help you get there.

I don’t mean for this to sound so clinical.  Obviously we are talking about your life and your future. But if you are confused about whether your marriage is worth saving, then you need a process to help you see the bigger picture.

Write down on a sheet of paper or flip chart what it is you want from your marriage.  Think of what you  want your marriage to look like in the future. Imagine an ideal future state of what you marriage would look and feel like if all the right pieces came together.   Then ask yourself honestly what strengths, skills, and competencies your husband offers that can help you arrive at that future state.  On one side of the chart list out all of the Positives.  On the other side of the chart list out the Negatives.

5. Act With Conviction:  Now that you have gotten away and found a little internal peace, you should have arrived at some conclusions as to whether you want to stay on the marriage track you find yourself on.

At this stage, you will have thought through carefully what has transpired between you and your man in the past.  You will have taken the opportunity to assess realistically if your husband’s weaknesses outweigh his good points.  You will have evaluated objectively what you believe to be your husband’s capacity to change based on past events and his expressed level of desire to acknowledge the problems and work with you.  Taking all this into consideration, it is time for you to make a decision about your future.

Summing It All Up

putting it together

Let’s clarify one thing to make sure we are on the same page.

At this juncture of your marriage where things seem hopeless and you are seriously questioning if you want to invest any more time in the relationship, you should have already exhausted efforts to get marriage counseling.

Hopefully your husband agreed to work with you and a Marriage Coach to try to right the ship.  If he chose not to, then obviously that was probably one of the items you listed on your Plus/Delta chart.

Let’s assume he was not open to counseling.  Not all guys are open to this sort of thing.

Then hopefully your husband was open to sitting down with you in the past to work with you on improving the marriage, whatever the problems.  That would have been a “Plus” on your chart.

My point is that don’t take the drastic step of separating or divorcing unless the two of you have made multiple good faith efforts to find a remedy to your marriage problems.

But don’t be afraid to pursue separation if the differences between the two of you have gone unresolved for a long period of time.  Separation, while sometimes emotionally painful, can be part of the solution.

So if your marriage life feels utterly hopeless, then recognize that is a sign for you to begin a process such as I described above.  Then act on your own findings and the best advice you can obtain from trusted friends and relationship authorities.